Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Amazed by the Ordinary: Feats of Meh

(Good for you.)

When you're a solipsist, you never get to ask, "Who farted?"

Think about it.

These are precisely the sorts of insights one ponders while in the throes of illness as I was yesterday, and I'd like to thank you all for bearing with me during what was in all respects a truly disgusting time. However, now that I'm more better, I find myself pondering less profound matters. Instead of asking myself The Big Questions, my attention has reverted back to the prosaic, and now I find myself wondering stuff like: What is the big deal about LeBron James riding a bike to work?

This story has been all over the news, and it's a perfect example of what's wrong with America. Where else would the sports media marvel over the fact that a professional athlete in peak physical condition was able to survive a bicycle ride of just over half an hour?

The ride took 40 minutes and he safely arrived at the arena with plenty of time to spare.

I'm not sure if they're amazed he was able to do something a typical Dutch grandmother does on a daily basis, or that he didn't get run over by a car, or both, but in any case it's a sad reminder of just how developmentally challenged our relationship with cycling is here in Canada's steer head belt buckle. I'm also not sure why James opted for the "Cat 6 scuba diver" look (especially given the fact that he's in Miami, where it seems like his usual basketball uniform would have been a cooler and more comfortable choice of attire) but I'm sure he had his reasons. In any case, I certainly don't mean to criticize James himself for his mode of transport; rather, I just wish I lived in a country where this wasn't considered in any way remarkable. (I also wonder if ESPN would have found it funny if James was hit by a car and sent flying into a barbed wire fence.) Even the "smugness media" is excited about it, even though James appears to be one of those infuriatingly un-smug "vehicular cyclists" who wears a helmet and doesn't ride in tweed.

At the same time, though, I shouldn't be surprised people find this amazing, for we are a spoiled people. In Miami it's considered newsworthy when a professional athlete is able to ride a bike for 40 minutes, and in Portland, Oregano it's considered a human rights violation when someone's "Disco Trike" gets confiscated:


Here's video of the shocking incident:



And here's the description that accompanies the video:

PORTLAND, Ore. - Portland Police showed up in force to put down a peaceful protest march in solidarity with Egyptian revolutionaries on the anniversary of the Tahrir Square uprising Jan. 25. This video shows police surrounding and impounding the CrankMyChain Disco Trike, a human powered multimedia vehicle used by the PDX Bike Swarm to entertain, bolster and help pacify protesters. Owner/operator Dan Kaufman was handcuffed, cited for "unlawful operation of sound producing equipment," and released. The trike, its sound system and miscellaneous other equipment, remains in police custody until a court date of Feb. 13.

In other words, the people of Portland, oppressed by a magnificent cycling infrastructure, an openly gay mayor, and ready access to exquisite artisanal goods of all kinds, staged a protest "in solidarity with Egyptian revolutionaries on the anniversary of the Tahrir Square uprising," a people with whom they have absolutely nothing in common. Then, when the police showed up, they chanted "Get those animals off those horses," which anyplace else would guarantee you at least a spirited pepper spraying, if not an entire hoof up the derriere. This being Portland though, the police instead merely opted to take their biggest toy away, which seems about as oppressive as the time my off-brand Walkman got confiscated in high school. And of course anyone who's every been around children knows what comes next--the inevitable temper tantrum:

If the Disco Trike is not released by Friday, February 3rd, in full working condition, the PDX Bike Swarm will be forced to swarm the mayors office to ask more directly for its release. Anybody that wants to join the swarm is more than welcome, as we know the Bike Swarm are not the only ones that really appreciate the Disco Trike’s presence. Hopefully it won’t come to this, but if it does, stay tuned for details... We are giving the mayor a choice: either release the Disco Trike by Friday, or we will swarm to its defense!

So did the Disco Trike's curator get his Disco Trike back? Of course he did:

UPDATE, 1:37pm: Dan Kaufman has been notified by Mayor Adams that the trike will be released today. Stay tuned.

This is the inspiring stuff of which national holidays are made. Expect a solidarity march in Afghanistan to commemorate this great victory for human rights--in strict accordance with Islamic law of course. Perhaps they'll even trot out the beloved Three-Legged Ghazal Mule, which is the Afghani equivalent of the Disco Trike.

Meanwhile, in product-related news, a reader informs me that the inventors of the helment-hat will now sell you a pendulous under-the-saddle testicle:

Apparently you affix your helment-hat to this testicle and then engulf it in the weatherproof scrotal sack that is conveniently contained in said testicle:

Truly, the best designs are inspired by nature.

Lastly, Esteemed Commenter Daddo-One tells me that "Wired" have published an article about Ritte, which contains information on how to pronounce "Ritte," among other factoids:

As it happens, riding my own Ritte was the last thing I did as a healthy person this past Sunday before falling victim to the stomach flu shortly thereafter, and I kept to flat and windy terrain in order to honor the bicycle's faux Belgian heritage. Then, I stopped on the boardwalk, where I leaned the bike on a railing instead of on an indigent person and in so doing may have voided my warranty:

I remain extremely fond of this bicycle, though now that I think about it, an under-the-saddle testicle would really complement that long stem.

166 comments:

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

RB1 said...

zoom !

Anonymous said...

i like fucking!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

Anonymous said...

so close! back to retching (and reading...)

grog said...

feeling better
top ten

Cortelyou Anquetil said...

Upgrade points!

FUCK PORTLAND WHITEY

Buffalo Bill said...

That is a very nice bicycle cycle you have there Mr. Rockmachine. I am jealous.

Glad to read you are feeling better.

wwib said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Huzzah... scrotal sacks for all!

Anonymous said...

blah.

mikeweb said...

These aren't the droids you're looking for.

crosspalms said...

swarm

le Correcteur said...

top twenty; read; welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Top twenty!

Anonymous said...

yer Ritte isn't as cool looking as the Bums Ritte

mikeweb said...

My bike's warm.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Um, Lebron is totally shoving the nose of his saddle into his ass-cheek.

One Who Knows said...

How about a full douche aftermarket latex cover for the YAKKAY scrot-sack, complete with tractor tread texture and veination?

Anonymous said...

Circle jerk.

hillbilly said...

Glad you're back in the land of the living. I am also the father of a young one. Is it a bad idea to allow them to shove their slobbery hands into my mouth?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe they don't sell the Yakka sacks in pairs, afterall: I got two heads

Hhhhhmmmm said...

Wow 22 at 1:00.
Readership where art thou?

Pooping from yesterdays post of contagin.

Anonymous said...

I have been "Hood Winking" (skirt biking with no underwear) in Portland for several years.
Maybe you should come for a ride?
You wouldn't believe the people that you meet when you are hood winking down the street.

McFly said...

I just keep my healment on when I walk in places, it automatically ensures that I remain faithful to my wife.

crosspalms said...

To save some money, I tried attaching my helment to my own scrotal sack, but it turned out to be very hard to walk that way. So I'm going back to putting it on my head. Will fashion never smile on me?

Anonymous said...

Hood Winking sounds great!
I don't get the same response with the people that you meet when you beat your meat in the street.

@BGW knows what I am talking about.

Anonymous said...

McFly, "I just keep my healment on when I walk in places, it automatically ensures that I remain faithful to my wife."

Agreed; and it's my healment mirror that makes me DEAD SEXY in it.

Anonymous said...

Check out Frosters anonymous. People doing silly shit in the snow.

Anonymous said...

glad you're feeling better, WRM.

balls®

Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that most accidents happen in the home. So, I wear my helment inside. Sure, it's harder to wash my hair, but I wouldn't want to risk removing it in the shower.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Came home early 'cause I'm feeling a bit queezy m'self. Still couldn't crack the top 20.

crosspalms said...

HOOD WINK
EYES CREW

The things I learn here

Anonymous said...

I hear that "Portland Oregeno" is good stuff.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Or the top 30 even.

Anonymous said...

Ahh... nothing like pacifying protestors!

Swza said...

Nothing wrong about solidarity with Tahrir Square protesters regardless of where you live.

Martin Erzinger said...

I'd hit it

Anonymous said...

Hey Hoodwink I live in Stumptown.
I also own a utilikilt.
Maybe we can get together as Hoodwink and Willywink?

Catcha @ phil-a@yahoo.com

thad said...

BSNYC,

While I think your SS is goofy, I quite like your road bike: no compromise, without being over the top.

HOWEVER! You need to find a wheel builder that knows what they are doing. Spokes are crossing the valve stem.

Anonymous said...

Why are there fish scales in my lipstick?

television_writer said...

Hey, look at that Ritte is another sticker company.

"So he did what all entrepreneurs do when they need help with manufacturing. He looked to China. "
Nice to see Wired rewarding A-meh-rica's CAD approval/Illustrator prowess.

How about just buying direct?
http://www.russdennybicycles.com
http://zenbicyclefabrication.com/

I predict warranty issues blowing Ritte's business to bits. See BMC's demise.

Kyle said...

dear wildcat- are the wheels on your ritte winter bangers? where are those ceramic bearings, bro? They roll SO much faster

Anonymous said...

Dear Thad

Kriss Kross 'l make you wanna jump!

Anonymous said...

How delightfully irreverent of Ritte to use a homeless (seemingly) guy to prop up their $5000 bike. why not one of the child laborers in the taiwanese factories where they outsource their carbon frames? that would be totally ironic!

Anonymous said...

glad to see you changed out the blue bar tape wild cat, although the bike looks kind of boring with black. i would have gone with yellow to give it a little punch of color.

Anonymous said...

I was in 6th grade when that song was popular. This fat, ginger kid, Anthony, who tried to get people to call him MCA, wore his pants backward to school one day. "check me out, yO!" Everyone made fun of him, so he tried to play it off that he didn't notice he put his pants on backwards.

Anonymous said...

Ritte is solid gold!
Check out their site.
Fresh perspective and nice rides.

Fast T

Anonymous said...

Those Ritte bikes are banned by the UCI.
Aesthetic doping advantage.

Makes people feel like they have small wieners when the jump on their red number 5 cancer.

samh said...

Scranus.

misster-PISSTA said...

left coast off the back.. first flat of the year of the dragon... good thing my wheels were laced right I woulda had a hell getting zephel-valve interfacing if I didnt have that extra room. I had to stop mid repair to roll a ciggarette becuase the mosquitos were so thick and cancer has to be a better way to go than west nile....

Anonymous said...

I felt bad about my worn out Sidi's until I met a bum with no pedals

Blog Drafter said...

Solus
ipse.
A-meh,
eh.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:48

Pantone 115 is in direct conflict with the Rule #8.
He is also walking the line with a domino saddle.

Anonymous said...

Ri-TTAY is for the ultimate Fred. Sweet welds, bro.

Dr. Feelgood said...

Snobby,
Talk about solidarity...I wonder how Portland will react.
http://latitude.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/31/critical-mass-in-caracas/?src=recg

Marcel Da Chump said...

Phil Jackson cycled to Knick games.

Anonymous said...

OMG Portland Hoodwinker!!

I have also been doing this as a side project.
It started by mistake (no clean panties) and I was at a light.
One of the guys across the street waiting to walk passes, smiles at me and said "nice cooter".

Since then it has been a game.
Nothing I do everyday.

But it is wild to stare someone down at an intersection and ride past them and see the look on their face when they realize they just got "hoodwinked".

Take care fellow hoodwinker!

Anonymous said...

Take a picture with our Chinese product homeless dude! Classy, right?

Everyone north of Wilshire in Santa Monica knows it's the homeless dude's fault he's in that situation.... Just don't hang out North of Wilshire/East of Ocean and the SMPD don't bother the homeless.

Anonymous said...

Now I want Oprah to talk about Hoodwinking.
Keep talking ladies.

Anonymous said...

Ritte is the Anti-Fred!

g-roc said...

Yah, those wheels suck, Snob. I know you already explained that you put some crappy old wheels on your Ritte frame, like back in the day, but if we keep ridiculing them, Ritte will have to send you some new ones to maximize the marketing opportunity. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Believe me, I have been there when my ass just felt like a whipping post.
Thank the Lord that I have a recumbent bike and can enjoy the world as our fathers meant it to be.

I am glad you made the choice to get a custom recumbent and join the brothers of men.

Are you going fully titanium?

Buy-cycle said...

Man uses bike to commute to work, doesn't die? Journalism at it's finest. I like your Ritte Mr Scranus.

Anonymous said...

Ladies please...it would be a pleasure to get hoodwinked...your town...your neighborhood?
Details.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else thinking of "Trucknutz" when they see that helmeant lock?

http://yournutz.com/
http://trucknutz.com/

I see great potential for investing.

Anonymous said...

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250985816422

Anonymous said...

I didnt know that Hoodwinking was a real verb.
I had a similar experience but I never wear underwear.
I was kind of shocked that a suite gave me the nod and the smile. It took a while to realize he was looking at my crotch.

The funny thing is that when that happened I also looked for it.
Sometimes my lack of underwear reinforces the fact that I want to make someones day better.

I just think of the stories "holy crap a just saw a beautiful beaver cycling past me"

For now beautiful beaver

Anonymous said...

This Hoodwinking thing makes me laugh my ass off.

yogisurf said...

SWARM SWARM SWARM Get a JOB JOB JOB.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to inform you men, that scratch their balls, that women don't flaunt their vayjays. I ride with a skirt all the time and nobody has ever even seen the finely shaved pubic hair.
Wishful thinking for a few.

Anonymous said...

"I will have a deconstructed Caesar salad and flaunted vayjays. Yes grind some pepper. Keep going. Keep going. Oh yes this will be good!"

Dooth said...

Fabulous! You stripped the tennis racket tape off your Ritte...next up...the dorky grips on your Engin.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Thad,

The spokes are laced correctly, it's just the angle.

G-roc,

Those wheels have served me quite well for a long time in all their mismatched hub-and-rim glory, I'd take them over the latest Mavic X-plodium or similar any day.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

Next up for the Ritte is clip-on aerobars with Ergons on them.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

I read that as indignant and I thought "he actually looks pretty happy!"

Kenneth Trueman said...

TRUK NUTZ

Anonymous said...

Lebron cycled as Montanans will
The word Portland was not written

The irate Portanders feign to kill
Cuz their employed as much as kittens

To China! Says cycling market skill
In America, our hipsters smitten

'tis not enough pages to fill,
so celebrate Lebron not be flatten

Anonymous said...

i didn't realize there was such a strong hoodwinking culture in portland.

bikesgonewild said...

...maybe you're all being hoodwinked (old context) about this hoodwinking (new context) business...

...but it's certainly not objectionable if it catches on...

Billy said...

So glad you're back! I finally managed to stay out of the bathroom long enough to post a comment...

Dooth said...

Excuse me... you just gave me the runs.

Right Fred said...

HOOD WINK

Anonymous said...

i hear lebron is heading to the trailblazers and is just beefing up his bikecycling cred. your ritte is the shitte. and not in a good way.

Anonymous said...

i believe hoodwinking started in daytona beach during biker week back in the 80's. i had just gotten glasses and i couldn't believe what i had been missing.

skink said...

The best response to a hoodwink (new context, props to bgw) is a stick shift!

Anonymous said...

I reckon somewhere in the inner nets you could find Kevin bloody Wilson and his song pussy tricks. Hood winking lacks ambition by comparison

Anonymous said...

If it norovirus take the day off.

Comment deleted said...

BGW,

It's all the same anon wanker, most probably the "panties" fetishist, onanizing with his sockpuppets.

Stand down.

Doug Mayer said...

little ring/big cog collabo? must have been a steep boardwalk.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

wait, i'm confused....WHOS parks?

Anonymous said...

I dated a Japanese girl who used to hoodwink but she called it free muffin Fridays.

Anonymous said...

Bring back the BLUE BAR TAPE!

Anonymous said...

I moved to PDX last year and have been hoodwinked by at least a dozen gals. I think they get off on seeing how long a guy will take a look at their crotch. At first I was scared to look, but now I take it all in as the dare is intended.

Test Tickle said...

I actually have one of those hanging testicle sack thingies...

It's made of real turkey skin. Real creepy but the ladies seem to like it ... and lick it.... often...

balls (OG)

Charlie Didrickson said...

Snob...

I recommend 2 pair of clip on bars and a set of bar ends topped with Ergon's.

Why go at it half baked?

Anonymous said...

Hoodwinking is most prevalent in Whole Foods like store delicatessens. I have seen it random on a bike, but believe me there are several June Cleavers in the market.

Anonymous said...

Does it count if I was riding by a farm and I was hood winked by 100+ cows?

David said...

Large adjustable wrench!

Anonymous said...

Panties!
If you're a solipsist, you don't care who sees your panties.
Think about it.

Anonymous said...

Just because someone needs to say it.
Panti-less

Anonymous said...

Has masturbating lost its soul?

Anonymous said...

When I get my tax return it is see you later Spokane and welcome to the land of milk and honey and MiLFs in Portland.

Throwaway_bicycling said...

Concerning where to lean your bike: instead of leaning it against homeless people, exploited Taiwanese factory workers, or fences next to picturesque coastlines, might I suggest leaning the bike on its own kickstand? Or, would that void the warranty, too?

Anonymous said...

Who ate the cream out of my Oreo?

B. Russell said...

I went to the Solipsists Club yesterday and not a damn person bothered to show up.

McFly said...

Anon@1:18, Sometimes I take my healment mirror off and stuff it in my sweet Lake CLX170 shoe if I am chewing the fat with a notorious "Hoodwinker" at a rest stop, splendid views indeed.

Clement G said...

Ritte bikes are sweetly irreverent; matches its backstory. But the picture with that odd character looks like a Jeff Wall rip-off. And they know it...Postmodernism cycles.

Anonymous said...

Your Ritte is totally my size, I think the handlebar drop is even correct.

you better start locking it . . .



Signed,

White Middle Class

Builder said...

http://gizmodo.com/5880814/this-folding-bike-helmet-is-an-urban-cyclists-dream-come-true

This looks like it might actually be cool.

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes I am certain I was hoodwinked without getting it. I was thinking it was a bad cougar move, but the last time it happened it was a young Asian lady.
Seriously need to pay more attention and not feel embarrassed.

Cheers

Luke the Duke

Anonymous said...

Are hoodwinking and flying the red kite the same thing?
In Edmonton in the spring some of the girls fly the red kite.
It is quite a shock but pretty damn funny.

SmugCyclist said...

Snob, remember the woman who was biking to the South Pole? She made it http://www.sportrelief.com/whats-on/helens-polar-challenge?utm_source=helen_media&utm_medium=print_online_broadcast&utm_content=challenge&utm_campaign=helens_challenge

Anonymous said...

Tilford rides without a helmet. And he never gets sick. But, if he did get sick, he'd still post.

Anonymous said...

Being a tranny biker I have shocked a few people with a skirt and nuts.
Most of the people looking are gross fat men that have given up.
That is life in Florida.
I could probably not live on a place like Texas.

Shurley

Anonymous said...

The Budnitz will now drop a coital offering in the next few days as to the current theme of hoodwinking as to which he will need to gather a few sticks and stones prior to listening to R Kelly.

Anonymous said...

Arguing with a few friends over @BGW being Meatloaf or Neil Young but I suggest Captian Lou Albano.

Anonymous said...

a hearty thanks snobster, living in stumptown loving bikes but being annoyed at all of it. You rock.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:58am...

...Louis Vincent "Captain Lou" Albano[6] (July 29, 1933 – October 14, 2009) was an Italian-American professional wrestler, manager and actor...

...ummm, maybe but ahhh.........well, i'm just sayin'...

JB said...

I couldn't care less about the color of your bar tape. Let your freak flag fly!

ce said...

In the wired article Ritte are going for the Zoolander "Derelicte" look.

Spencer Canon on SS: "The ride quality is like steel, but the power transfer is like carbon" (I'm pretty sure he just said Vertically Compliant yet Laterally Stiff).

ce said...

...and on second thoughts, you should change your bar tape back to blue.

Anonymous said...

whose parks? Aardvarks! - Portlanders are notorious animals rights activists.

jmfrank said...

@BikeSnobNYC Somewhere, Sheldon Brown is jumping for joy!

Anonymous said...

Um, I'm new here but I can't believe you let the Ritte thing slide. Those guys are so clearly hipsters. They designed" a lame, faux "Euro" kit and then started a bike company with absolutely no credenitals or experience.

Now they're all "frame designers" working with their Asian (likely sweatshop) supplier to sell Chinese knockoff CF frames for several thousand dollars. Those Ritte stickers are pricy, and very artisanal.

I also like the mention of stainless steel, as though it's some exotic material that so many storied framebuilders have overlooked until the artisans at Ritte came along. What a joke. They are the Mast Bros. of cycling.

Anonymous said...

blueballs? my computator says outside article stops at 310 words. without recumbabe pic, I didn't even get a chubby.

Rex H said...

Concerning the helmet sack:
1- it's the bike version of truck nuts
2- those diagrams are horrible. The top right one looks like you're supposed to tease it with a feather

Rex H said...

Concerning the helmet sack:
1- it's the bike version of truck nuts
2- those diagrams are horrible. The top right one looks like you're supposed to tease it with a feather

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Allen Smith said...

I have seen it random on a bike, but believe me there are several June Cleavers in the market.
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Tom McCollum said...
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