Thursday, December 8, 2011

Decorative Balls: All You Haters Stuff My Stocking


Further to yesterday's post, the controversy now known as Liège-Bastogne-Liège-Gate-Bastogne-Gate continues to make headlines in the cycling media. Indeed, this is just the sort off-season news bike racing websites need so they have stuff to print in between breathless speculation about which manufacturer is going to "drop" a component group with yet another superfluous cog. Now, the emails between Alexander Vinokourov and Alexandr Kolobnev have been published, and they contain all sorts of salacious details, including frank discussions about human castration:


Vinokourov reassured the Russian that “You have done everything properly, do not worry”, after Kolobnev expressed concerns that "my balls may be cut off" if it came out that he was receiving payment.

That may sound like a figure of speech, but in Russia it's actually common practice to castrate athletes. (Also, in Russia, car drive you.) This is why he's actually protecting his "Kolobnevs" in his team photo:

(Does this look like a man who knows he's about to have his "pants yabbies" cut off or what?)

Besides his pre-emasculation grimace, I was also intrigued by Kolobnev's rider profile:

Characteristics

Date of Birth: 04/05/1981
Born in: Vyksa (Russia)
Professional since: 2002
Height: 174 cm
Weight: 64 Kg

Nickname:
Last Season Team: Katusha
Rider Type: classics specialist
Civil Status: married
Hobbies: interior designing, playing electric guitar
Car Brand: Infinity
Favorite Actress: none
Favorite Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication”
The Cycling Champion You Supported in your Childhood: Yuri Barinov
The Best Race Ever: 3rd stage “Paris – Nice” 2007
Contemporary Sport Idol: none
Favorite Soccer Team: none
Cycling Secret Wish: none
Superstitions: not talking about that

Notice that Kolobnev left the "nickname" portion of his rider questionnaire blank, as though he knew it would soon become "Ken Doll" or "The Gelding." Also, note his response to the "superstitions" section. Like any superstitious person, he knows that talking about something can make it happen--which is why after emailing Vino about getting castrated he's now actually about to get castrated. Given that, it's too bad he put "none" for his "Cycling Secret Wish," and I bet he really wishes he put "Not to have my balls cut off" instead.

Anyway, while the decreased testosterone production could spell the end of Kolobnev's on-the-bike career, the silver lining in this scrotum of misfortune is that Kolobnev will have plenty of time to focus on his two favorite hobbies: interior design, and playing guitar. In fact, as an androgynous guitar hero with a flair for interior design he's got all the makings of a modern-day Russian David Bowie. Or, if that doesn't work out, he could always start a high-end cycling clothing company called Castrati:

(Castrati: Performance roadwear for men with Ken doll genitals.)

So comfortable it's like wearing nothing at all.

Speaking of emasculation, a reader informs me that bag maker Timbuk2 is now offering a messenger-style diaper bag called the "Stork Messenger" for the rapidly aging "urban cyclist" demographic:



While publicly I laugh at this while my "bike culture" friends and I compare our knuckle tattoos and drink cheap canned beer in the local fake dive bar, as the father of 17 children I also secretly covet those "Velcro silencers" and the integrated changing pad:

Scoff if you will, but the simple fact is that aging is inevitable, and every Nü-Fred eventually becomes an Öld-Fred. Therefore, it's only a matter of time before all these bag makers start competing for the Öld-Fred dollar. Then, they'll start sponsoring aging "hipster" alleycats with diaper-changing stations instead of checkpoints, and someone will start a Single Speed Child-Portaging World Championship, and finally it will all "jump the shark" when some pro cyclist wins it but refuses to surrender his baby for the mandatory tattooing:

("My daddy won the SSBPWC and all I got was this stupid tattoo.")

As for me, I'm holding out for a hand-fabricated artisanal changing table that's compatible with the snapdeck on my Big Dummy, though I'm guessing someone in Portland is already at work on something like that.

But while the "Stork Messenger" may be the ideal holiday gift for the person in your life who is unwilling to come to terms with his changing lifestyle and clings tenaciously to the illusion that he's "hip," what do you get for that special douchey someone who's part of the "Eeew, babies, gross!" demographic? Well, you could always get them a $68 bottle of maple syrup from the douchewallas at Best Made Company:

First came the $300 bedazzled axes, and then the $38 short and crappy extension cords, but with the $68 bottle of maple syrup the Best Made Company have truly out-douched themselves. Really, to find a more offensive maple syrup you have to go all the way back to the peak racist years of "vintage" Aunt Jemima. And if you're wondering who actually buys this stuff, here's your answer:

Who is the Best Made customer?

Our products are used by men and women who hail from all corners of the globe: the US, Canada, Australia, the UK, France, Germany, Sweden, Korea, Japan, Flin Flon Manitoba and beyond; they live in remote areas and densely populated cities; they are woodsmen and art collectors, lawyers and doctors, designers and craftsmen, leaders of large corporations and owners of small workshops; our customers depend on Best Made as a trusted source of equipment and advice, as many have been coming back to us throughout the years. Read customer profiles.

In other words, they're "asshole survivalists." Here's how Wikipedia defines traditional "survivalism:"

Survivalism is a movement of individuals or groups (called survivalists or sometimes preppers) who are actively preparing for future possible disruptions in local, regional, national, or international social or political order. Survivalists often prepare for this anticipated disruption by having emergency medical training, stockpiling food and water, preparing for self-defense and self-sufficiency, and/or building structures that will help them survive or "disappear" (e.g., a survival retreat or underground shelter).

And here's how I define "asshole survivalism:"

Asshole survivalism is a movement of like-minded people (called asshole survivalists or sometimes just assholes) who like to appear rugged and woodsy but are in fact uniquely unprepared for any kind of emergency situation whatsoever. Survivalists often fail to prepare themselves for real life by having extensive filmmaking training, stockpiling vintage razors and old paper maps of places that no longer exist, having fellow assholes over for bourbon tastings and lavish barbecues, and/or living in structures that will help them appear unique or "different" (e.g., a tiny house or a $1.5m loft).

If you're wondering why your neighborhood no longer has a corner grocery but has four coffee houses and an artisanal condiment shop, it's not because it's been gentrified; rather, it's because it's become an "asshole survivalist enclave"--the modern-day equivalent of a medieval walled city, built to protect the inhabitants from the forces of reality.

In any case, if you're dreaming of a douche Christmas, you're no doubt hanging your douchebags by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Douchiness soon will be there. And if you're looking for some delightful little douchebag stuffers, why not visit Partners & Spade, which I just learned about on the Best Made site. Here, you can purchase things like $450 boxes full of random crap:


$175 photographs of guns:


Or just a $125 jar of household trash:

All of which makes that $6,500 Gucci Pista look like a bargain:



Just be sure to accessorize appropriately:



Nice healment.

115 comments:

Anonymous said...

First!

Anonymous said...

Waiting so looooooong

Anonymous said...

first

cycle

Anonymous said...

ouch

cycle

will take podium any time

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment

Kill Whitey Portland said...

I was boxed in!

Unknown said...

Stoop waffles

Anonymous said...

Damnit snob.

Anonymous said...

hey snobby - I see there is a job listed in my profession in Portland. Should i forsake the mean streets of PA for cycling nirvana or will I lose my edge (never had a edge to begin with).

cycle

Bike Culture Killed My Dog said...

I'd post more often and poetically but I'm busy packing up-- leaving Brooklyn for "Portland" and it's wise, witty artisanal brand of "Bike Culture"!

Anonymous said...

Scranus for the top ten?


nope.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Spade in Partners & Spade is actor David Spade's
brother.

dannyray said...

survivor

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

leroy said...

Heel fellow, well meant.

(Ran that by my dog. He didn't laugh either.)

Anonymous said...

RNDM BOXX
BRED CLPS
DUMB PUZL

theEel said...

effin weed.

hot_carlito said...

sweet, sweet finish in the first group.

cyclotourist said...

GOOG LEIT

dcdouglas said...

I noted that one of the photos associated with the Stork Messenger bag on the Timbuk 2 website includes a parent-child combination and their Big Dummy. Face it, you ARE the demographic.

Kenny Banya said...

"going to "drop" a component group with yet another superfluous cog. "

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

leroy said...

Mr. Kolobnev was right to be concerned.

In former Soviet Russia, fixed gear means you.

(My dog didn't think that was funny either. But that's a sore subject for him.)

BBQ Pope said...

I will not be surprised if that "minimalist" guy has something to do w/the $125 glass jar of plastic bag clips. Either that or it HAS to be a "practical joke", right?

petrus said...

Sorry, I was on lockdown at the computer due to a shooting at VT. It was within 1100 miles and I had to read about it before finishing the stage.

Thoughts and prayers for the deceased. Respect and honor.

Bees.

crosspalms said...

Order the maple syrup now and you'll get this $15 box of pancake batter and this $30 wooden spoon to stir it with for only $45 extra!

Neil said...

Is that organic maple syrup USDA certified? If so, it's a better deal than Maple Syrup World.

crosspalms said...

leroy,
Did you mean wheel fellow, helment?

Marcel Da Chump said...

"looking at my Gucci, it's about that time"...

and looking at that Gucci bike, I see a Cinelli titanium stem.

mikeweb said...

That Partners in Spooge website has a special section of Miranda July themed products.

Nuff said.
.

CommieCanuck said...

Maple syrup?, you mean that secret homogenate of moose urine and beaver feces we sell to tourists and tell them it comes from trees?

68 bucks is about right, we have a problem with Beaver constipation this fall.

BEVR XLAX

le Correcteur said...

The asshole survivalist entry was great! Now I know why I can't go to the corner and just buy a soda.

OBA said...

Douchewalla FTW!

leroy said...

BBQ Pope--

It must be a joke.

I'm sure I saw that jar of plastic bag clips for only $75 at The Brooklyn Flea.

CommieCanuck said...

KOLO BNEV

Troy Allen Coleman said...

Concerning your commentary on the Stork Messenger Bag: Why must I, "…come to terms with my changing lifestyle…" and stop riding a bike? Just curious. Because I still ride my bike a lot, and I look forward to introducing my 1 y.o. son to his first bike this christmas so we can start riding together, which will undoubtedly come with the need to change a diaper or two.As far as diaper bags go, there has not yet been a proper diaper bag manufactured in all the history of designing and manufacturing diaper bags - not one. the Stork bag is as close as I've seen, yet it's still fundamentally flawed, because it's a messenger bag, not a diaper bag. Anyway, I'm just wondering why dads are supposed to stop riding bikes.

Stupid Name said...

MMMM.

Shiny expensive shit with the GUCCI name, they should sell like hot cakes (and maple syrup), to the douches that don't ride, and have no need for a helment. Brain damage would not be noticeable in their lives.

CommieCanuck said...

Vino should watch what we writes, the UCI is sharpening their artisinal axes as we speak.

On the other hand, Kazakhstan could have their first woman's UCI World Champion in 2012.

PSOP TRNY

Anonymous said...

Vino is just getting better w/ age.
Doping so he can win, then [after the "oops" time out]
now buying his way to the top of the podium. I hope he
used vintage French Francs like all our oude skool heros. Great post, oh Snob of Lob from NYC.

CommieCanuck said...

Because I still ride my bike a lot, and I look forward to introducing my 1 y.o. son to his first bike this christmas so we can start riding together.

Young Dads are so delusional. It took me three years to get L'il Alberto on his bike. He still contends it's for girls.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Troy Allen Coleman,

As someone who now does most of his riding while portaging both a child and a diaper bag that looks embarrassingly like a messenger bag, and who watches what little "hipness" he may once have had slip away by the day, I can assure you that's not what I meant.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CommieCanuck said...

I recommend Castrati bibs. They fit a little tight in the crotch, however.

Anonymous said...

More nipple-scranus or Imma fuckin kill you!

CommieCanuck said...

Actually, there are times in my daily commute with some drivers I wished I had a diaper full of diarrhea handy.

Anonymous said...

$68 for a jug of syrup seems like a steal in comparison to a $450 box of crap.

Anonymous said...

sitting silently in the pack
tardy not absent



mr.pissta

Glyph said...

Panties!

leroy said...

Crosspalms --

No wonder he looked at me funny.

I'll have to try "Hell fellow, healmint."

(Og-day Reath-bay -- he doesn't like me to mention it.)

Chron's and Colitis Society of Canada said...

CommieCanuck, you only have to ask, my friend.

dcee604 said...

douchebags!

Anonymous said...

those bread bag clips in a jar is the ultimate gift for your atkins diet douche art collector

Anally Challenged said...

Dear Snob,
As a survivalist, I have to ask what you know about my asshole, when you knew it, and, most importantly, how you knew it?
Also, let me recommend maple syrup as a way to spike the alcohol content of homebrew. That's the artisanal drink of choice for us survivalists, both the asshole and non-asshole (we prefer the term anally challenged, thanks very much) varieties.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's a lot of F**KYOUism for a 3 series BMW.

screaming skull said...

bread bag clips in a jar!

and the empty bread bags

are, how much?!

Griddle said...

$6500 for a rebranded Pista is idiotic! I could get two $2500 unbranded All Cities* from Needsupply.com and still have mad scratch left over for jars of crap, overpriced axes, pistol porn, and peacoats.

I do want that helmet though.

*http://needsupply.com/mens/nsc-x-cbc-city-bike.html

just some guy said...

If you follow the link to the $40 extension cords they are currently out of stock. So assuming they made more than five, there's a bunch of people out there more than willing to buy it up...

Anonymous said...

I'm saving all my fun tickets for the Rapha Ultimate Travel Bundle
http://www.rapha.cc/ultimate-travel-bundle/?locale=US

Troy Allen Coleman said...

Dear CommieCanuck: Thank you for calling me young. I'm actually a grizzled ancient of 40 and oh far from young and delusional. Old and delusional however is a different story. Also thank you for pointing out that I should never try to get my son on a bike. I will defy you however as first steps are the perfect time to start a child on a balance bike. I figure if he can run around on crappy plastic toy cars, he can run around on a bike.

Thank you BikeSnobNYC for sharing my distain for crappy diaper bags.

Anonymous said...

I think I saw a Rapha merino wool diaper in the Ultimate Travel Bundle!

Tom Brady said...

I'll stick with the Ultimate Travel Bundchen, thanks.

Schlocked & Dismayed said...

Those Peter Nancypants Boxes at Partners & Spade........ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!?

Jumping Scranus' Batman!

Buy-cycle said...

Top 60? Velcro silencers? What a rip off. Hehahaw

g-roc said...

Given that, it's too bad he put "none" for his "Cycling Secret Wish," and I bet he really wishes he put "Not to have my balls cut off" instead.

Gold, snobby, gold.

Having said that, I found the number of umlauts today to be excessive and gratuitous. In the future, please limit your umlauts to no more than two per post for the benefit of those of us who are deeply offended when occularizing the unholy bastardization of a perfecly natural grapheme.

Balls

mikeweb said...

68 dollars U.S. for a half gallon of actual Maple syrup is actually a pretty good deal, beaver feces, or no beaver feces.

68 dollars U.S. for a half gallon of Mrs. Butterworth's, now that would be more like Best Made's usual price point.

JB said...

All you haters, suck both of my umlauts.

mikeweb said...

However, why anyone would need a half gallon of Maple syrup that didn't involve some kind of sexual fetish is beyond me.

Schlocked & Dismayed said...

I don't know where the, "amp;" came from, but it really should read, "Schlocked & Dismayed." Sorry if any readers are now schlocked and/or dismayed. Oh well, NIPPLES!

JB said...

64 oz. of pure maple sirup: $32
1 gal. is $55.

skink said...

JB,
for a second I thought it said,
"Funks Groove".

mikeweb said...

Thanks JB! My yabbies - er, I mean, my pancakes thanks you.

The fact that they spell it 'sirup' makes me a bit nervous though..

"Sir?"

"Up!"

Anonymous said...

Partner and Spade is actually the opposite the any such artisinal or locavore type outfit. It's actually headlined by a big corporate marketing guy, who may have been hip back in the Mad Men era, but now is just another over-taned geezer -think Oglivy&Mather and BBDO. Anyways, it like a kind of lab for testing out new marketing ideas on Nolita aristocrats (read: THE target market), kind of like Nikelab for sneaker heads, or Gore rain-room for outdoorsy types.

8===D ~ ~ ~ said...

nekid girls and bikes:
http://vimeo.com/33186972

shmaltz herring said...

My how we decline in stature with each succeeding generation! Compare the asshole survivalist with Dog Paw, a true urban survivalist of the previous generation.

crosspalms said...

Does trying to get home in one piece make me a survivalist?

db said...

Best Made does have its customers. Lob knows why, though...

bikesgonewild said...

...both 'best made' in the usa & 'rapha' in jolly olde... are in litigation over the phrase "pretentious as fuck"...

...they both wanna use it as a company logo & both lay claim that their products ultimately best represent the slogan but i guess it now goes to the courts...

UrbanRidingTips said...

I think I could be the Walmart of $125 jars of bread bag clips and put the artisanal supplier out of busines by selling them at $99.
DOn't like it? That's capitalism folks.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Doucheness abounds!

Maverick said...

TALK TO ME GOOSE!!! TALK TO ME!!!! Love the Top Gun lid.

Etherhuffer said...

@Mikeweb: You must be thinking of the maple syrup sex act, the "Sticky Carl."

Now, as for that cool silver helgeminth, where do I get one. I can blast Hawkwind's "Silver Machine" while riding with it.

bikesgonewild said...

...ether you have lemmy kilmeister on your subconscious whilst gazing at that chrome bucket or else you want want a motorhead

Etherhuffer said...

Lemmy tell ya man, time to hit the Thursday magic mushrooms. That visor keeps the cosmic rays at bay...

ant1 said...

ant1st!

bikesgonewild said...

...+...

Harold said...

Ha! ha! You really had me going for awhile...I though the box 'o junk and the jar 'o clips were ACTUALLY for sale...

Now, that Gucci bike was OBVIOUSLY photoshopped....everyone knows that Gucci doesn't know squat about bikes.

g-roc said...

все, что вам ненавистников ампутировать мои яйца

Vegas said...

The actual sticky stuff that Douche Made rebranded:
North Family Farm_Maple

Smaller-Than-Gallon sizes available for those of us in Canada's Dirty Diaper who don't eat pancakes 3X a day.

$55 for a gallon means "ONLY" a 24% mark-up to get it in a glass jug with the Doucheclamation Point on the front.

Michael said...

I saw that helment on a woman in Paris in July and wanted it immediately. Thanks for giving me a source. Now to Kickstart to finance it.

Michael said...

I saw that helment on a woman in Paris in July and wanted it immediately. Thanks for giving me a source. Now to Kickstart to finance it.

leroy said...

Would you like to swing on a star?
Carry bag clips home in a jar?
Could you be better off than you are?
Or would you rather keep your cash?

leroy said...

You know, if you think about it, Frank Zappa's "Magdalena" could be about Best Made.

"I work so hard,
Don't you understand,
Making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea
What that can do to a man?"

Eerily prescient, eh?

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Best Meh Company really should come out with a whole range of condiments. In the post apocalypse, when the cannibalism begins, the survivors are going to want some flavour. The dandy Best Meh Company customers are of course the ones who will be eaten, but it would just be really convenient if they had some condiments with them.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Oh no!
Leroy, you just gave the Best Made Douchetocrats a golden new marketing angle:
co-optiing Zappa lyrics. And that's just for starters; eventually, they're sure to use Randy Newman, Burt Bacharach, Yip Harburg and, yes, Bob Dylan.
Who could resist over-priced maple syrup from those scribes?

leroy said...

Marcel --

Somehow, I don't think they will co-opt "Magdalena."

It's an interesting take on Canadian family values.

But CommieCanuck would be okay with it. It's about Montreal.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Leroy,
hmm, now I have to find out if the band OF MONTREAL has recorded that song. Thanks.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

ce FTW!

Best (made) comment of the day!

Anonymous said...

I saw a fine band from Montreal once covering Zappa tunes. They didn't cover "Magdalena", though. Wonder why.

Zappa's final stunt guitarist, Mike Keneally, has gone on to do some fine stuff. I plug him every chance I get because I think his relative obscurity is richly undeserved.

Timbuk2 said...

Ahhh. Nothing like a cold MGD in a sanitized sippy cup.

RedStarCycles said...

Maybe after the nut-ectomy Kolobnev will go on to win seven TdFs. No knackers did seem to slow Lance down

Anonymous said...

#100! Taint that.

Julian said...

Hell, we out here in the wet smuggy corner of the country were into child-portaging alleycats and diaper change competitions before it was cool. With video, natch:
http://totcycle.com/blog/category/fiets-of-parenthood

patrick said...

... but surely you're aware that the snapdeck on your Big Dummy already IS an artisanally crafted changing table. That's why it's all wood-grainy and stuff. Go ahead. Try it. Change a diaper on there. You'll see.

ce said...

NBC (NDWIE),
Thanks, that box full of random comment will be $450 (Australian dollars please). I know I made it sound grim, but actually I think if a bit of effort is put into the packaging and marketing you could really value add the whole post apocalypse experience.

Buck Marley said...

I tapped my trees. I collect sap for days on end. I cooked it down. Then? Busted for running a syrup lab.

Cool Carl said...

That is a sweet looking helmet. Dammit!

crosspalms said...

Vegas,
Thanks for the link. But $55 a gallon from the real people, $68 a half-gallon from BM? I call that a 147% markup. I'm surprised BM doesn't sell individual wooden matches, too, for about a buck apiece.

Anonymous said...

That Gucci Pista is nice, but you gotta SLAM THAT STEM!!

Vegas said...

Doh! crosspalms I was totally looking at the Gallon price not the 1/2 gallon! And the ONLY was meant to be sarcastic anyway, it's a(n even more) douchetastic move and I believe you're probably right with your matchstick prediction.

celex said...

Manufacturers of High Security Registration Plates.

Rudy Gonzalez said...

http://artasamurderweapon.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I am very happy to read this article..thanks for giving us this useful information. anti viral Read a useful article about tramadol tramadol

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet

Anonymous said...

I really liked your article. cardiovascular Read a useful article about tramadol tramadol

OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

Fixie Bikes said...

That's one hardcore baby.