Thursday, November 17, 2011

Survey Says: Bad Things Come in Threes

Internet surveys: for me, they've always been something to ignore, like gender-specific restroom signs, random tooth pain, and homeless people. Recently though I was forced to pay attention to one. This is because I'm currently a choice in a "Bicycling" magazine "Readers' Choice" survey:



Hilariously, "Bicycling" seem to think that both Frankie Andreu and I are "personalities," though at least Andreu actually knows how to ride a bike:
As Fat Cyclist rightly points out, if you're going to ride with any of these people you should probably ride with him. In fact, I'm probably the second-lamest choice on that menu after TdF devil Didi Senft, who is clearly a bona-fide lunatic and, by all accounts, smells. I wouldn't even want to ride with me, and in fact I often show up late for solo rides in order to avoid myself. Really, the only reason I could possibly imagine anybody would want to ride with me is that they might get to see me slip and fall into my own pee, which I do more often than I'd care to admit.

Anyway, I wouldn't even have bothered you about this survey at all. However, I'm an intrinsically negative person, and it suddenly occurred to me that "Bicycling" must be this close [indicates tiny distance with fingers] to getting rid of me so they probably need some hard numbers so they can say, "See? People really freaking hate you, go take that crap to 'VeloSnooze.'" I mean, what other reason could there be? If they liked me and wanted to keep me they'd instead have included a question like this:
(If you want to know which I'd like, it's a toss-up between the Rollerblades and the Uberhood.)

As it is, all I'll probably get for Chrismas from them is a card that says, "You suck. Love, 'Bicycling'," and then one of those subscription reply cards will fall out of it. This hardly seems fair, since last year I bought each and every person at the magazine a Polaris personal watercraft.

So now you see just how stressful a virtually stress-free life as a semi-professional bike blogger can be. Not only that, but I was unable to take the survey myself because my answer to every single question was "Mario Cipollini" yet amazingly he was never offered as a choice. (By the way, if you ride on Mario Cipollini's wheel you should always use fenders or else you'll get a really oily skunk stripe up your back.)

Moving on to far more pressing matters, someone in Brooklyn is missing a cat:

Do I like cats? Sure I do. Do I feel bad for someone who loses theirs? Absolutely. Why is this news, even for "The Brooklyn Paper?" I have no idea--especially since the cat was a stray to begin with:

BeeBop, a feisty feral tom who loves bacon, went missing on June 28 after a mover left the door open. A few days later, he was found at the Heights Players community theater on Willow Place. A member of the troupe kept the cat there for several days, but before Sheehan could retrieve her beloved, someone else freed the cat so that he wouldn’t urinate on the costumes.

As you probably know, some time ago I changed my name to Wildcat Rock Machine, and thanks to this article I am now extending it to "Wildcat Rock Machine, A Feisty Feral Tom Who Loves Bacon." However, you can keep calling me Wildcat Rock Machine for short. (Or, if that's still too long, just call me "Douchebucket.") Anyway, it seems to me that a feral tom who loves bacon is not a pet but a prisoner, and that as soon as the mover opened that door he simply returned to the life he knew and loved. As for the guy from the community theater, he was just doing the cat a favor by releasing him again. Sure, you can vilify the actor if you wish, but the fact is that the feline was urinating on the costumes and you can't have Willy Loman's suit or Joseph's amazing technicolor dreamcoat reeking of cat pee.

More to the point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with a bike blog, and to that I say:


and

2) As a blogger I am also a student of "comment science," and I was amazed it took a full nine comments before a reader of "The Brooklyn Paper" came in with a bad Chinese take-out joke:

Sun Yet Sen from Red Hook says:

BeBop with noodles 4.95

Bebob with white rice 4.95

Bebop with vegatables 4.50

Bebop with brown rice 6.00

Bebop Fried rice 4.95

Nov. 15, 7:45 pm

That any cat-themed story will eventually evoke a bad Chinese take-out joke is of course a corollary to Godwin's law. In any case, I'm sure that BeeBop is just fine and is out there with a little kitty bindle and a banjo. He's probably on a freight train right now, traveling the country in search of bacon, adventure, and no-strings cat sex.

Speaking of adventure-seekers, can you believe people still make fixed-gear videos? Well, they do, though increasingly you have to go beyond the United States to find them. Here's one that was forwarded to me by a reader in Olso, Norway:

Grind Pt.1 from Andreas Kleiberg on Vimeo.

Amazingly, this is merely Part I of a four-video series, and it sets up a number of compelling questions that will presumably be answered in final installment, including:

--Will they keep skidding for no reason?
--Will the guy in the flannel get a cool new hat?
--Will they figure out that this whole Mash-a-frama fad is so dorky it makes this guy on roller-skis look edgy by comparison?

By the way, I watched the whole video, and from an athletic perspective roller-ski guy was by far the most impressive thing about it. That's not to say I doubt these riders' "street cred," since it must be difficult to ride in an urban environment in which luxury taxi cabs follow you at a safe distance:

Remember the scene in "12 Monkeys" where Child Bruce Willis watches Adult Bruce Willis get gunned down in the airport, and the guy with the virus escapes, and you know the world is doomed and that the cycle will repeat itself infinitely and Bruce Willis's curse is that he must watch it happen again and again and again? That's what it now feels like watching fixed-gear videos as the trend replicates itself over and over and over in cities all over the world. I've already seen their future, and I weep for them--soon they'll be onto "vintage" road bikes, then they'll start flirting with Lycra, and before you know it they'll be ordering custom cyclocross bikes from the framebuilder du jour and not racing them. Maybe one day Terry Gilliam will make the ultimate fixed-gear video and we can finally at least get artistic closure and move on.

Of course, by perpetuating an attitude of "been there done that" curmudgeonliness I'm doing pretty much the same thing, but frankly I'm old enough to remember when all this stuff actually meant something. For example, I remember when if you wanted to find "hipsters" you had to go to a funky part of town not too far from an expensive art school and visit a faux dive bar--and even then they wouldn't come home with you unless you plied them with drugs and conversation about Miranda July. Now, though, a reader tells me that you can buy them ready-made in three-packs at Marks & Spencer in the UK for only £17:

At £5.66 per hipster I'd argue they're still overpriced, but I suppose it's easier than making your own.

116 comments:

Jasper said...

Early doors

Kenny said...

It's true! It's not magic! That's all it takes for a bill to become a law!

mikeweb said...

Frankie. Definitely Frankie.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Rob said...

Top 10, damn, missed the podium. Off to recharge the batteries on my Campy single speed CX bike...

c double said...

top ten finally!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

Anonymous said...

Pack filler again?

Detroit Mac

Buy-cycle said...

Pizza! Top 10?

SingleSpeedMark said...

What the?
Where is everybody?
Riding?
I took the bus. 

Vegas said...

Reading is for woosies!

ken e. said...

lucky number !?!

That's MISTER Douchebucket to you! said...

I like boxer briefs more than hipsters. More room to breathe, but not so much that things get all out of place, if you know what I mean...

George Thoroughgood said...

When I drink alone, I like to be by myself.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty twice: two times in a row! And read too!

Anonymous said...

I'd choose Bike Snob's helper monkey as my ride with choice. Where's Gwenyth Paltrow on the list?

Anonymous said...

Top twenty, nice!

and all the people said "a-meh!"

mikeweb said...

Actually, I'd rather go on a ride with Miranda July.

dcee604 said...

early enough?

Anonymous said...

Cheap hipsters, made in China, I'll bet!

Anonymous said...

Dear Douchebucket (pronouned LAY-o-pard-Trek) How can you not mention the awesome display of CAT 6 racing @ 1:57 of the Grind Pt1 video...apparently it is an international sensation

Billy said...

21 comments before it even hits my RSS reader. Bummer.

Marcel Da Chump said...

You're Mr. Personality?

shu-sin said...

ahm, stop mistreating hipsters, you wild cat nazi machine!

McFly said...

There is a 24 hr staisfaction guaranteed no questions asked return policy on the Hipster. If they try anything with substance or attempt gainful employment you can take them back, but you get to keep the fixie.

Anonymous said...

BOOOOOOOOORRRING.

Make fun of people's goofy bike set ups, already.

Kludgie was the BSNYC high water mark.

Anonymous said...

Marks & Spencer - if hell was beige, that's what it would look like.

hey nonny mouse

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:22pm,

You must be a "noob," this site was already over way before the Kludgie.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

"I wouldn't even want to ride with me, and in fact I often show up late for solo rides in order to avoid myself."

Brilliant, Snobby! If only you could harness that awesome power for good instead of evil.

cycle

Anonymous said...

those fixed gear bike thingies look pretty cool, do you know where i can get one?

Anonymous said...

Q: why is there a singlespeed cat of cyclocross?

A: dunno

Anonymous said...

Why isn't the naked recumbent babe a ride choice?

Blog Drafter said...

Anybody catch Homer Simpson's hipster joke last Sunday:

"It takes a lot of courage to all wear the same hat."

I've already voted for you a dozen times, Snob, and will carry on doing so. FC is creepy.

erik k said...

BOOOOORRINNNG???

I found todays post especially hilarious.


"I wouldn't even want to ride with me, and in fact I often show up late for solo rides in order to avoid myself."
-genius!

two votes for Douchebucket!

Kim Jong ill said...

mmmm, Bi Bim Beebop.

Kim J. Jr. said...

hey, does this taste bacon-y to you?

aprillikesbikes said...

As any woman could probably tell you, "hipster" has been the name of a style of women's underwear for decades. The waistband is at hip-level. Hence the name.

mikeweb said...

Wait, on second thought, I'd rather go for a ride with BeeBop. Well maybe BeeBop could ride in the front basket of Miranda's vintage (crappy) 3-speed(?)

crosspalms said...

Do the people looking for Beebop know about this singlespeed cat?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Aprillikesbikes,

I knew that because that's what I wear under bib shorts.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend calls them "comfies"

crosspalms said...

Shouldn't a waistband at hip-level be called a hip-band? And if it's a hip band, shouldn't there be a video or something?

Anonymous said...

BeBop Fried Rice!!!HAHAHAHA!!!
Raughing my ass off!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Who do you think you are, Wildcat?

HITLER?!!!!

livingjetlag said...

Is BeBop going to document his epic cat journeys on video? I'm looking forward to the kitty porn.

Anonymous said...

Hipster panties and bra-sets are still favorable with Floyd Landis's sisters, everyone in Utah and 1970's Christmas catalogs.

Anonymous said...

BeBop got caught in my fork crown.

P. Bateman said...

i really like the hot chick in the ads for one gear clothing. she really looks lovely. good work douchebucket.

CommieCanuck said...

I fear the worst for BeBop, likely wandered into the Occupy Wall Street protest and is getting his little head cracked by a tiny baton as we speak.

Either that, or he's covered in General Tsao sauce by now.

P. Bateman said...

by the way, some of the ideas expressed in today's post, and that lurid video, actually are very similar to Nazi propaganda books and film.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, SLAM.. they put Phil Ligget on the list, ...but not Paul Sherwin? What's Ying without Yang (with a side-oder of BeBop) Does the ride with Phil include a suitcase of courage? I heard the Snob ride includes a Duffle bag of malaise.

mikeweb said...

Then again, maybe I should go on a ride with Phill. He's the only one I'd be able to drop on the climbs.I think.

If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? said...

Don't be such a Hipster Hitler!

Fred said...

I wondered what that tuxedo cat was doing in my beard with all those tiny condoms. Now I know.

I'm loathe to return him, we kind of hit it off. Still, if he pisses in my Sportif touring shorts key pocket one more time, I'm going to huck him at the next investment banker I see.

BeeBop said...

Everything's cool. Just couldn't take snooty Brooklyn Heights anymore.
I'm back in the hood with my feral hoochies.

Anonymous said...

first!

abelgus said...

Snobby, I lied. I haven't read your book, but as an everyday reader I just had to show support.

PS

My fixed gear was in a perfume ad that went national in 1993 (don't know why or how, just loaned the bike to a film friend who was producing the ad - the crew came in a big truck and wrapped it in a ton of blankets, like it was a Pollock or a Picasso). Could this be the earliest shark jump, tho unintentional?

Anonymous said...

Bebop sounds more like a Korean dish, no?

streepo said...

DAMN NAZI

Anonymous said...

Mach mit der Uberbladerhoodenroller.
Ya!

g-roc said...

How bad does Didi smell anyways? I'm just trying to gauge things, because you kinda smell like pee sometimes Snob. Ultimately, I'd pick the slowest rider so I could get upwind of him.

Not sure I like the addendum to your name. I mean, how does loving bacon differentiate you from every other feisty ferral tom? And is no strings cat sex really better than cat sex with strings?

1974 said...

Those nutty kids are in·cor·ri·gi·ble.

g-roc said...

I've ridden USB equipped bikes since 1974. Must have accessory. #WRMAFFTWLB

Merlin said...

This bike is probably too manly for WCRM

http://www.adverts.ie/bikes/manly-bike-for-sale/1070699

cyclotourist said...

WRMAFFTWLB

Buffalo Bill said...

It saddens me to think that the hipster I cultivated in my basement cost much more than £5.66.

CommieCanuck said...

G-Roc, I'll field this question...I met Didi Senft in Hamilton in 2003 for the Road World Championships.

He wears that red lycra outfit 24/7, and he smells like the ass of a dead rhino left to rot in a sewer in a bad neighborhood. That, and stale beer, which he successfully mooched more from me. Delightfully insane guy.

Jasper said...

Now I got round to reading it...
What an odiferous episode today - is there any truth to the rumour that (puts on butch voice)'Epique, brought to you by Rapha' is derived from equal parts Didi-sweat, Norwegian flannel shirt, cat urine and bacon aroma? Sounds pretty Rapha-esque to me.
The Marks and Sparks Hipster thing is all wrong though - they have them in the Man section….

Jasper said...

@CC - I met him outside Buckingham Palace at the 2007 TdF prologue. I would not disagree with you one little bit.

Anonymous said...

First, cool but sneaky product placement on the Rapha stinkwater, Snob. Second, the Wikipedia page on the Tour Devil is cool if only for the links to his (the Devil's) site. Third, whatever happened to that pic of the girl who gets off her bike to pee in spectacularly exhibitionist fashion and then, at least in my fantasies, does not slip in her own pee? Just askin'.

Anonymous said...

Last time I used a doosh i thought it was shampoo...it worked wonders.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC
You are my Christian Slater in Pump up the Volume.
Please don't get bloated and not funny.

Your fan
Pametha

Anonymous said...

BSNYC
You are my Christian Slater in Pump up the Volume.
Please don't get bloated and not funny.

Your fan
Pametha

Anonymous Coward said...

I think the one kid in the video is still new to the sport, he actually used the drops for a portion of the edit.

DOOSH BKT

Anonymous Coward said...

Hahahahahahah -- I called it a "sport" -- hahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

BROOMWAGON??

there is life besides the tour de snob... but the tout de snob does make life BETTER? thanx WCRM


mr. pisssta

Anonymous said...

doesn't seem as bad as some of the bike snob/bike haters in chicago

http://www.constructionlitmag.com/blog/wagons-and-wheelmen

Anonymous said...

@Merlin -thank you

Anonymous said...

Douchebucket,

you forgot the obligatory "run-a-red-light" shot...

leroy said...

My dog scoffed at the line about no strings cat sex.

He says cats love string.

He may have a point.

One of these days, we should have a BSNYC commenters ride.

Just not tonight. Everyone seems so occupied at the moment.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

On jury duty; can't talk.

Anonymous said...

Great way to end the week! I'm sitting at the airport trying to contain my laughter as the TSA eyes me suspiciously. At least I think it's an airport. I hear a lot of cities being called out , but I never knew that the TSA changed their uniforms to a pale geen color. And just where the hell are their badges anyway? You say it's Thursday? Jesus, Mary and Joseph. How did I get here? This not my beautiful house, this is not my beauti

Anonymous said...

And no-one's mentioned Leni Riefenstahl yet....

Also, there's a strip cartoon "Hipster Hitler" in the Stool Pigeon magazine.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

I think Recumbabe needs an Uberhood for Xmas

Sandy Dick said...

WRM - I'd never call you a Douchebucket, you silly MenstrualCup

Anonymous said...

Is that a new Rapha continental video??

todays "news" said...

http://www.npr.org/2011/11/16/142387490/the-hipsterfication-of-america

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the link to Godwin's Law! Now THAT'S comedy!

Hitler

CommieCanuck said...

Le Roy, your dog is outdated, cats loved string, but now they prefer laser pointers.

pew. pew.

mikeweb said...

Leroy, I second the idea of a commentors ride. Primal jerseys and shants to be required attire. I hear there's already talk of it being included in the Cat 6 Winston Cup series.

BTW, the MIG (Mike's Imperial Guard) had the Manhattan bridge bike path blocked on my way home last night. I guess they were worried that Occupiers would block the bicycle traffic(?) I don't think they could as good a job blocking it than the normal walkers, joggers and amateur videographers that are there daily.

Nogocyclist said...

What's the penalty for running over a cyclist and putting her in a comma? In Mississippi it is $50

I just hope she now sues the woman in civil court. Forever complicating someone else's life forever by your carelessness should cost you more than $50.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Hear, hear on the Commenters Ride.

livingjetlag said...

Hey, Buffalo Bill, don't worry. Making your hipster in the most inefficient, inconvenient and expensive way possible just makes it an "artisanal" hipster. Market it as such, and pass the cost overruns on to the consumer.

Black Friday 2011 said...

More space to breathe, but not as things get all out of place if you know what I mean ...

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Hermosa Beach All parts and components are blacked out,giving it a very cool,toughb and mellow look.
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The Vegan Cyclist said...

Official Controversy Lifecycle.
I am in stage 1.

My are are raised and I'm shouting "How is the NYC Bike Snob not #1 on this pathetic list?!?!"

THE TOP 10 BIKING BLOGS
The best sites for expert race commentary, gear reviews, and bike porn

10. Rapha Blog
9. Bike Snob NYC (Tie)
9. Boulder Report (Tie)
8. Vital MTB
7. The Inner Ring
6. BikeHacks
5. Fat Cyclist
4. Bangable Dudes in Pro Cycling
3. Rouleur Magazine Blog
2. Adventure Journal
1. Red Kite Prayer

This is a debacle. A fraud.
I am now moving into stage 2.

http://ow.ly/7Lc0J

Thanks,
Steve Cinch
www.thevegancyclist.com

The Vegan Cyclist said...

Official Controversy Lifecycle.
I am in stage 1.

My are are raised and I'm shouting "How is the NYC Bike Snob not #1 on this pathetic list?!?!"

THE TOP 10 BIKING BLOGS
The best sites for expert race commentary, gear reviews, and bike porn

10. Rapha Blog
9. Bike Snob NYC (Tie)
9. Boulder Report (Tie)
8. Vital MTB
7. The Inner Ring
6. BikeHacks
5. Fat Cyclist
4. Bangable Dudes in Pro Cycling
3. Rouleur Magazine Blog
2. Adventure Journal
1. Red Kite Prayer

This is a debacle. A fraud.
I am now moving into stage 2.

http://ow.ly/7Lc0J

Thanks,
Steve Cinch
www.thevegancyclist.com

Clark Adams said...

I read bicycle magazines also, especially those about mountain cycling. I'm actually looking for new gloves. Mine's all worn out because of our mountain cycling trip last week. Can you recommend a good one? Yes, we started the year with intensity and passion, that's how we should all start our year!

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Would have totally gotten them that fragrance.

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Anonymous said...

Why did the hipster burn his mouth - because he ate the soup BEFORE it was cool

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