Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Squirrely You Jest: Blight-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed

(Fall is a nice time for to riding the bikes.)

As the changing leaves and the commercials for huge retail sales have no doubt reminded you, the holidays are approaching. So, in the spirit of the season, I have a heartwarming and delightful story to tell you. In fact, if you're a parent or educator, you should gather the children and read this out loud to them. Here we go!


Once a time upon, there was a squirrel named Perry. Perry the squirrel lived in the forest in a hollow tree. His was a happy life, and he enjoyed doing all the things happy squirrels do: climbing tall trees, frolicking in the tall grass, and foraging for larvae and maggots. When Perry went about his happy life he always whistled a happy tune--except when his mouth was full of maggots. It's very difficult to whistle with a mouth full of maggots.

Anyway, one day Perry decided to visit his friend, Sally. Sally would sometimes let Perry visit her in her hollow tree for some frolicking, and she had a refreshing way of not placing too many demands on Perry or insisting that he spend the night. So Perry loaded his little squirrel bindle up with nuts, berries, and maggots and set out for Sally's place.

As Perry scurried over to Sally's for some tail (click here for NSFW squirrel tail action) he listened to the birds chirping and the brook babbling and he whistled a happy tune. Soon though he came to the treacherous part of the journey, which involved crossing the big open place where the noisy metal machines went. Perry hated crossing the big open place, but he loved Sally's fluffy tail, and sometimes the prospect of getting some tail can make a squirrel do things he wouldn't ordinarily do. So he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and ran across the big open place.

Perry had made it across the big open place many times before. But not this time. This time, he managed to avoid the noisy metal machines, but just before he made it to the other side he got caught in the fork crown of a Fred's Orbea and died:

The end.

The image above (the squirrel, not the smiley face) comes courtesy of Esteemed Commenter Daddo One, so if you're offended you can blame him--or, you can blame Jens Voigt, who brags on Twitter about saving mice but in this case was nowhere to be found. What's the matter, Voigt? Mice are worth your attention but squirrels aren't? This rodentism will not stand! Most of all though, you can blame the rider, for had he been riding a bicycle with adequate squirrel clearance this might never have happened:

Yes, if you're riding a bike with short reach brakes it means you hate nature and you might as well go get yourself a Hummer.

In any case, while not all of us are squirrel friendly, if you're reading this blog you're probably bike friendly, and as it happens I recently received the following email:

At Lindsey Wilson College in Columbia, KY the cycling coach of the well awarded team has come up with a symbol to promote awareness to bicycle friendly place. Coach Grigsby has created a symbol that universally would tell cyclists they can come there if they need water, have an emergency, use the phone etc. It's simple and helps the cycling team. Can I send u one to help us get this universally recognized symbol out of Columbia, KY and into the world?

Evidently if you're "bike friendly" you're supposed to place this sticker on your home, which makes it sort of the cycling equivalent of a Mezuzah. However, unlike a Mezuzah, this particular talisman is less about protecting the home than it is about telling wayward cyclists that they may seek succor in your abode. (And when I say "seek succor" I mean that in the innocent way and not in the way Perry the squirrel was seeking it--though "gimme some succor" is a charming pick-up line.) Most of all, though, it means that cyclists are allowed to totally foul your bathroom.

I only wish they'd contacted me when they were still in the design phase, because you may recall that some time ago we already decided upon an international cycling symbol:


This symbol is both bold and versatile, and while the "bike friendly" part is implied it can be easily modified in order to convey a more specific message:

Of course, it hardly warrants mentioning that the international cycling symbol is based on the ubiquitous time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret:

Wait, sorry, wrong image:

And you'll no doubt be pleased to know that time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret sightings continue apace--including this one, sent to me by a reader, in which the image of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret is writ large on the side of a van:

You'll note that the've changed his t-shirt from yellow to red, but that's our Bret. As for the van itself, I'm not sure of it's purpose, though I'm assuming you're allowed to "make" in there.

In other news, last week I mentioned Campagnolo's new electronic component group, which is now at the heart of a journalistic controversy. As far as I understand it, what happened was that Cyclingnews and BikeRadar technical editor James Huang wrote an article about the group, after which Bike Rumor basically plagiarized it and then offered an awkward apology:

Tyler (Editor) - 11/10/11 - 4:49pm
Dear readers,
If you’re reading this for a second time, you’ll notice that it’s been completely rewritten. There are some additional features like individual component weights, battery specs, etc. It’s a much better, more comprehensive article.
Our first iteration inappropriately used information from a competitor’s article. We were not invited to the official launch in Italy and in our excitement to get the news out used poor judgement in how we went about it. For this we are very sorry.
It is not, nor has it ever been, our intention to build this site on the backs of other peoples’ efforts. We take this matter very seriously and have made changes to our own internal policies. We look forward to continuing to provide great original content and, when appropriate linking to others in the appropriate manner and giving credit where credit is due. BikeRadar, Bicycling, Road.cc and Road Bike Action, among others, all have excellent first hand coverage that adds to this story and we encourage you to check it out.
Sincerely,
Tyler Benedict, Editor/Founder

Oopsie. Amusingly though it would appear that Bike Rumor has since come to terms with the fact that they can't compete journalistically with the tech geek "big boys." Instead, they're embracing extreme retrougrouchery by plundering museums instead of rival publications:

Bike Rumor should be safe here, since any articles written about this baby are long in the public domain. I'm looking forward to their next piece, which will be a similarly detailed look at this new "quick release skewer" technology all the velocipedists are buzzing about.

Meanwhile, speaking of theft, a deranged Australian is on the loose in New York and is stealing bicycles:

Sure, some might argue that the phrase "deranged Australian" is redundant, but either way the brigand pictured above has hornswaggled a well-meaning Yonkersian out of his bicycle:

BIKE THIEF, PLEASE BE AWARE (YONKERS, NY)
Date: 2011-11-15, 4:59AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

The man you see below agreed to RENT MY BIKE FOR one day (Last Saturday, 10/22) and agreed to return that same night

He never called or emailed me and and the bike has not been returned. I called him and left him a bunch of voicemails, texts, and emails.

All i took was his expired Australian Ids and NO cash deposit. The NYC address he gave me is not even a real location.

BEWARE OF THIS MAN! He is a thief that still has my Fuji mountain bike, Schwinn helmet, and bell u lock.

His name is Thomas Anthony Ward

He is about 6'1 tall


I'm actually reasonably sure I've seen the thief before, though back then he was calling himself "Russell Crowe:"

What's more, Mr. Crowe does have a known affinity for urban mountain biking:

Presently, he's my number one suspect.

Speaking of mountain bikes, the bar end is the DNA of the home-"curated" cockpit, and here is an elegantly minimalist example forwarded by a reader:

Complete with top tube pad, multiple reflectors, and singlespeed pie plate, it looks fast just standing still:

If Bret had a "beater bike," this would be it.

103 comments:

Anonymous said...

winner

ken e. said...

squirrel!

Kenny Banya said...

I'll take it

Kenny Banya said...

...third that is.

Anonymous said...

Yay! Happy birthday to me!!!

Spokey said...

six? top ten?

Kenny said...

AND THE BILL, SUDDENLY IT HAS BECOME.... A LAW!!

Kenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rob said...

top 10?

PatrickBateman said...

SQUIRRELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

wwib said...

Snob,

How'd it go on Satan Island?

OBA said...

"We seek succor.."

http://youtu.be/OnrwiddiL9s

mikeweb said...

A Kenny-heavy top ten today...

Jasper said...

You have to ask, how would Jens Voigt have handled the squirrel situation?

Anonymous said...

boris says: moose and squirrel

Anonymous said...

Toppish Twentieth, methinkz

Buffalo Bill said...

It looks like Bret flushed the aero bars. Is he still a tri-dork?

Terre Haute Karl said...

Bret has got himself one sweet ride there!

Mcfly said...

top twenty

disgruntl Ed. said...

At this time of year the squirrels are nicely fattened up for the coming winter. Even your large clearance example would not be enough for most of the specimens I see.

Joy of Cooking has recipes for everything.

Otherwise, you definitely need one of those cowcatchers at this time of year.

g said...

Snob,
Is that the singlespeedpieplate that you have always been looking for, or was that sighted before. I suspect I must spend some quality time in the archives.

Unknown said...

Whatever.

Name said...

The post was much later than the others have been for a while.

I thought you had been arrested @Occupy...

Good to see you are well. Although my heart goes out for those unlucky smelly bastards.

Buy-cycle said...

'All i took was his expired Australian Ids and NO cash deposit'. You sir, are an idiot. tope therty i tinks...derp

grog said...

Squirrels on the road must die.
We let them live in the woods.

NICE BABE
CROW BIKE
BRET DORK

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

www.squirrel-merkins.com

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Lazy symbol-making for "bike friendly"; it takes more than just spelling out your message to equal a symbol.

Paul Bowen said...

KY is short for Kentucky I'm guessing? Is that where the popular genital lubricant gets its name from? Bourbon, sex goo - Kentucky brings the party.

Anonymous said...

MIDpack again,,,..
I witnessed a squireel go in a moving front wheel take a turn thru the fork and go out the other side..and that was when I was straight edge and MTBs had wide fork CROWNS..

mr.pissta of to floff( heaven forbid i sit on this pristine white seat)off down the road

Etherhuffer said...

Hell, we are so cool and smug in Seattle that we can get raccoons through our clearance. Grant Peterson made special 'coon forks for the whole city. Only charged us 2000 bucks per fork and through in the paint color of choice! What a guy!

Next up: Coyote clearance forks with a special 'ejecter unit' that spits em out uninjured. PETA approved.

Anonymous said...

"squirrel, squirrel where did you go?"
"I went to helsinki to take in a show"
"squirrel squirrel what did you see?"
"i saw a young lady do things with her V"
"squirrel squirrel what did she do?"
"she shot purple ping-pong balls from her vagoo"

Anonymous said...

May i present the bicycle of the future (not squirrel compatible) (also not work compatible)

http://snail.meilk.com/mfetish/src/1276795970718.jpg

crosspalms said...

anon 1:24
bike wheel smiley face.
done

crosspalms said...

anon 1:59
Thanks for that. I think the sight is slowly returning to my right eye.

Anonymous said...

have you fluffed a squirrel tail today?

leroy said...

Oh dear. I think I owe my dog an apology.

When I passed him on a hill this weekend, he tossed a squirrel carcass at me.

After reading today's post, he explained that he had shouted "I'm gonna git you succor."

And of course, his relatives in Kentucky eat squirrel.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Watch out for Bullwinkle.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure I have seen some rodents involved in some of the posts over at http://www.bustedcarbon.com/

streepo said...

Why do squirrels carry their nuts in their mouth?

Anonymous said...

i count 16 reflectors and lights and that sweet fixie, i bet you can see it from space at night.

CommieCanuck said...

If you're going to plagiarize someone, why the hell would it be James "The Wang" Huang? Mister 4.5/5 stars doesn't understand US advertising laws, that state you need to disclose that you received a product in exchange for a promotional "review". He's been busted several times metaphorically splooging on about a bike, only to reveal the customized name on the top tube.

Besides, all bike reviews are the same typing macros stringed together:

F3: beefy
F5: spin up easily
F7: optimized in the windtunnel
F8: developed at the Paris-Roubaix
F9: "affordable"

Anonymous said...

A squirrel once fell out of a tree and landed on the windscreen of my car as I was driving along. I stopped to let it off, but the car's single large windscreen wiper was very tempting.....

(That's "windshield" for youse ower there)

I saw an advert on the side of a bus for a film that's just out called "Immortals". I also noticed that it's in "Epic 3D". How does that differ from normal 3D?

hey nonny mouse

leroy said...

On this morning's commute, there were cops watching traffic on both sides of the Brooklyn Bridge, near City Hall, around Foley Square and even along Chambers Street and Broadway.

Golly, all that attention just to make sure pedestrians and cyclists can get around lower Manhattan.

I'd thank the Mayor and the Police Commissioner, but I heard they were occupied or something.

Anonymous said...

what did the squirrel say when it was run over and killed by a bike while crossing the road?

Nuts! BANG!

Peter from PETA said...

All you squirrel killers are going down. We're going to mandate galvanized steel wheel covers on all bikes to protect our furry friends. You can still run over snakes, they're icky.

4fuxake said...

streepo 2:14 :

Duh.
Because they can.

CommieCanuck said...

I also noticed that it's in "Epic 3D". How does that differ from normal 3D?

Any 3D image of Mickey Rourke's face is epic.
I prefer my 3D old school Canadian, as it was meant to be. No one did it better than Woody Tobias Jr.

RANTWICK said...

Poor squirrel. I have had a cycling / squirrel relationship lixation for some time as eveidnced here and <a href="http://rantwick.blogspot.com/2010/10/encounters-with-rantwick-episode.html>here</a>... never thought that would or could really happen though, they're so quick.

If you have wheel brows, they might also serve as squirrel guards...

Big Charlie said...

Can someone explain to me the need for a top tube pad? I mean, a boob tube I get, but not that.

Also, the "cyclist friendly" thing just makes these people look like jerks. What the hell is wrong with just being friendly? Oh that's right, you would miss an opportunity to be a showoffy tool.

RANTWICK said...

typo above. While I do have a fixation, I do NOT have a squirrel relationship "lixation", I SWEAR to LOB!

RANTWICK said...

Also that second messed up link is actually here. Ugh. I'll go screw up my work now instead.

Woody Allen said...

Squirrels are just rats with good public relations.

CommieCanuck said...

Does the Squirrel pic have audio?

"Allan! Allan! Al! Al!..gurk!"

Lou the Jew said...

"An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe (blessing) over a lobster (non-kosher food, normally not eaten by religious Jews).
The Orthodox rabbi asks, "What is this...'lobster'...thing?" The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say, muttering about responsa. The Reform rabbi says, "What's a brokhe?"

and...

Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said, "We simply called an exterminator and we never saw the squirrels again." The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and we never saw the squirrels again."

FEH.

samiam said...

i like I said before Blogger sent me off on some wild goose ride :

I've been toi Lindsey Wilson college, it's beautiful. The Cycling coach is a great guy. The cafeteria and the brunch they provide the GABRAKY riders is awesome. Speaking of Kentucky, GO WILDCATS!. ya know they're playing in the Garden tonight. Snobby you oughta check it out. I would if I were a big time bike blogger. and if my name was Wildcat Rock Machine, I definitely would.

Anonymous said...

Sup Sqrl ? ? ?

Anonymous said...

My ex had an allergy to KY jelly, and was a school teacher, so was petrified that some parent or teacher would see her, so refused to enter any sex shops in town. Also, she was creeped out by the pervy old homos that hang out lookeing to hook up.

Anywho, we went to Womyn's Ware in Vancouver, B.C. to find some specialty lube. I was the ONLY guy in there, and was getting vibed so hard by all the bull dykes. They had a pretty wild dildo collection there. A kept smacking around this 18" tall latex statue of the virgin mary to try and diffuse the situation.

Anonymous said...

Most ran over a groundhog last month. Ya dart out at the wrong time, you're road kill plain and simple.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Almost ran over a groundhog last month. Ya dart out at the wrong time, you're road kill, plain and simple.

cycle

Max said...

Anonymous 1:50:

How odd to encounter a fellow Regretsy reader here. I guess that site's like EtsySnobLA though, and funny as a shithouse weasel to boot.

Anonymous said...

@1:59

Rossin has many posters. I suggest you link a new one everyday. You would be king.

Anonymous said...

Lew @ 2:50:

"Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic."

Why would they discuss their problems with squirrels, when they could discuss them with each other? And why not hold the discussion in a more comfortable place than the attic?

I kid, I kid.

TKanz said...

Last week I didn't even have a motto.....This week, I've got this one:
Yes, if you're riding a bike with short reach brakes it means you hate nature and you might as well go get yourself a Hummer.

Matt said...

My sister lives in Kentucky. Her hometown paper is called the News Express. For a while, the website for it was www.newsexpressky.com but it got blocked by filters at the local schools because it had 'sex' in the middle, as in new sex press KY. Guess the kids might take it as a suggestion between bouts of stealing Oxycontin from their grandparents.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"It is not, nor has it ever been, our intention to build this site on the backs of other peoples’ efforts."


Wildcat, on the other hand....

CommieCanuck said...

All I want to know is... how did they get the yarmulkes to stay on the squirrels heads?

There's a flaw in the story.I think it's made up.

CommieCanuck said...

Matt, the Canadian history magazine, The Beaver was over 90 years old, and they have to change their name because no school kid can access their website through internet blocking software.

I look forward to the first issue of "Vaginada" in my mailbox next month.

CommieCanuck said...

Wait, people in Kentucky have sex?

crosspalms said...

@CC
With Epic 3D you get a free burrito.

Fred said...

Never hit a squirrel while riding a 'bent. It can take days to get all the tail fur and chunks of partially digested maggot out of your beard. I mean, more days than usual, that is.

Smokin´ squirrel said...

I´m cool, but your NY cops are quite angry:

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/ipad/occupy-protesters-plan-to-stay-put-despite-eviction-notice/story-fn6bqpju-1226196172144

Test Tickle said...

"You'll note that the've changed his t-shirt from yellow to red, but that's our Bret. As for the van itself, I'm not sure of it's purpose, though I'm assuming you're allowed to "make" in there."

There's more typos in this one than normal. Shook up by the arrests of them pro-testers, BSNYC!? I know I am.

Ben Levy said...

I received my copy of Bike Snob from Amazon.com today. As of this time I have just read the Introduction, quick viewed the illustrations,and will affix a Bike Snob sticker to my 2009 Specialized "Roadie 2 da Max" Allez;just as soon as I wash her this Sunday. Which by the way will be the days I will take an hour of "me" time and read Bike Snob to fill the void of the weekend blog withdrawal.

Etherhuffer said...

Two Lutherans were discussing their rabbi problems in a Minnesota squirrel nest........

Dave Wyman said...

And the moral of the story is:

It's not worth the risk of losing your head over a little piece of tail!

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

SQRL DETH

ProGold said...

I'm a lube you!

http://www.progoldmfr.com/

Anonymous said...

I do believe that craptastic fixie is repping the Paola Pezzo signature selle san marco saddle, with extra absorbant vaginal juices pad.

I would sniff the shit out of Paolo's saddle.

Anonymous said...

Rantwick, funny videos!

4fuxake said...

Anon 6:47 ,
Paola (fem) or Paolo's (male) saddle ?

Umm, not that there's anything wrong with that...

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Poor old Bike Radar. They finally figured out how to publish accurate information, then immediately got in trouble for it. I feel so sorry for them.

crosspalms said...

OK, I'll say it. DON"T CALL ME SQUIRRELY!

Anonymous said...

Road kill squirrel and Kentucky in the same article and no hillbilly supper jokes?

Anonymous said...

Kind of sucks that those occupy wallstreet grilled cheese sandwich makers but wish i was a peanut butter and dumpster fuckos that wishes I was following the Dead are back to nothingness.

Sorry guys, I fucked your friends and I fucked your friends girlfriends while you were vacant.

Cheers

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

looking for a bird-eyed man.

only give true identity to the one that asks the right question in the right way.

hope to meet you starling.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Kentucky squirrel stew is called "Burgoo." You can thank me later when that turns out to be the Final Jeopardy question on the day of your taping.

As for Commie Canuck's inquiry into Kentuckian's sex lives, Christ was originally scheduled to be born in Kentucky, but they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin...

cramitsucko said...

Hey Snob, check this Kickstarter out

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/969973102/led-by-lite-turning-your-bicycle-into-a-relevant-v?ref=live

Anonymous said...

Etherhuffering said...
Hell, we are so loose and willing in Seattle that we can get raccoons in our pants. Grant Peterson made special 'coon nubs for the whole city. Only charged us a few nick-nack-patty-wacks per nub to watch him rub a nub, color of choice! What a guy!

Next up: Coyote cooter poon-tang with a special 'ejecter unit' that spits em out uninjured. PETA approved.

ReMiXed

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ce said...

Rusty wouldn't steal

ce said...

Noodge?

Anonymous said...

fuck the squirrel my dads run over obnoxious "occupying" canadian geese in colonial park in somerset nj. yeah thats SMART bitches

Recumbent bike said...

i fill sorrow for the animal which is trapped in the bicycle rod.

samh said...

Thank you, Daddo.

Anonymous said...

I had a rabbit jump through the spokes on the rear wheel of my bmx bike, locking the wheel into a skid before wriggling free.

Meghan H. said...

Imagine my surprise when I saw this post, as I am the rider of the bike with the squirrel caught in the fork!! Eight weeks later, my C5 vertebra is healing nicely, teeth are fixed, I mostly have the use of my hands again, and better than all of that, I now FINALLY understand why that crazy rodent was in such a rush to cross the path. My friends and I thought it was a sqirrelicide bomber, but apparently quite the opposite-- he was staging a "bike in" for love

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Fixie Bikes said...

Why did that roadkill make me lol?