Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mating Rituals: Heeding the Call

When you think of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth, do you think of this?

Or this?

Or, like most people, do you just think of this?



Well, this coming weekend, Philadelphia only means one thing: Bikes, Bikes, Bikes!!! (Okay, technically that's three things.) That's because it's time once again for the Philly Bike Expo, Philadelphia's finest bike show and cream cheese-tasting festival!

There are about a million compelling reasons to go to the Philly Bike Expo this year: because you want to see awesome bikes; because your significant other, spouse, or life partner is a huge bike dork and is making you go; because you live in Philadelphia and there's nothing else to do... But one reason that's not even remotely compelling is that I'll be giving a "seminar" at 2:00pm on Saturday:


This is why the Philly Bike Expo is changing its slogan from "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives" to "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives & A-holes:"

Of course, if you've been to one of my appearances before, you pretty much know what to expect:



However, once I'm finished I promise to wake you up so that I can give away fabulous prizes. These prizes will include:

--The contents of a box of stuff from Knog that I haven't opened yet but that makes the sound of awesome when I shake it;

--"Skincare" from Rapha;

--Coffee from the Just Coffee Cooperative, the cooperative that can beat up any coffee shop in Portland;

And

--50 custom titanium Seven bicycles The remainder of my lunch, provided I'm not able to finish it.

So please show up and get free stuff, if only so I don't have to portage schlep any of it all the way back to New York with me.

With that out of the way, you may recall that yesterday I mentioned Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish's target of choice, Peta Todd:

(Peta Todd attempting to cover her breasts with her hands and missing.)

Well, as you probably noticed, she has the same first name as a popular animal rights group, and I happened to notice in the news today that this popular animal rights group is suing SeaWorld for slavery:

The suit, which PETA says it will file Wednesday in U.S. District Court in San Diego, hinges on the fact that the 13th Amendment, while prohibiting slavery and involuntary servitude, does not specify that only humans can be victims.

While I have my own reservations about zoos and animal theme parks, I also think this lawsuit is absurd, as it's clearly meant to deflect media attention from the fact that PETA itself is being sued by the model for "Kitty Takeover: Cat Week 2011:"

Mittens claims the animal rights organization used his image without his consent and seeks damages to the tune of $8.6 million. He also claims that Peta founders Ingrid Newkirk and Alex Pacheco plied him with catnip before the shoot.

Speaking of cats, and animal rights, and famous sprinters and reproduction (as I was yesterday), in a controversial experiment this cat:


Was exposed to Mario Cipollini for five minutes:

And six hours later, this happened:

The two most shocking things about this experiment were that: 1) All Cipollini did was look at the cat; and 2) The cat is a male. Such is the reproductive power of Mario Cipollini, who is himself part cat:

(What's with the sneakers?)

And all hormones.

Also further to yesterday's post, one reader left the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Extraordinary: a kind of triathlon where ppl actually do have bike handling skills, and better, they can fix a flat !!

October 25, 2011 12:52 PM


And included a link to the following video:



Inasmuch as you're about as likely to find good bike-handling at a triathlon as you are to find pants on Mario Cipollini, I watched the video with interest. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the bike-handling skills to which the reader referred. For example, they weren't here, where someone just rides off the trail for no reason:

Nor were they here:

Or here:



Or even here, on a flattish section of trail with nobody around:

Of course, I realize that these people have just swum a whole lot, so they're already tired. I also realize I've never ridden in Hawaii, so I'm unaware of the unique challenges posed by the terrain. For example, the fallen riders may all have been the victims of invisible lizards. Still, I can't help thinking that the race contains an awful lot of walking for a non-ironic world championship:


And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:

Without substantiation, I'm just going to have to assume he's still out there.

Of course, I'm more than aware that there's no way I'd be able to complete a grueling athletic endeavor such as the XTERRA World Championships, and I also admit I walk so much while riding offroad that I should probably trade my mountain bike for one of these. Still, I also see nothing in that video to alter my suspicion that, for the vast majority of humanity, bike-handling skills dissolve in water like so much Alka-Seltzer.

And finally, thanks to Craigslist, I think I may finally have discovered the mating call of the "hipster:"

Auburn hair walking on southside of Manhattan Ave - m4w - 30 (WIlliamsburg)
Date: 2011-10-25, 2:15PM EDT
Reply to:

You we're walking on the southside of Manhattan ave behind the school at 2:45 on monday. I was riding my bike. You with your auburn hair, blue jeans and boots. Me riding by in my black hoody. I let out an "ewf". Sorry, you struck me pretty hard. That's all that would come out. Just wanted to let you know. You're a fox.


So if you're ever walking in a trendy neighborhood such as Williamsburg and hear a lilting, "Ewf, ewf, ewf...," just know that you're being courted. It may also be accompanied by some lizard-like head bobbing. Unless it's Mario Cipollini, in which case you'll hear nothing at all until the babies come.

95 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ding Ding!

frenchie said...

See you at ze tour de cheese

I am a fast engine said...

woo woo

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!!

I am a fast reader engine said...

no more naked pictures of cycling racers, and more accidents or Imagonnafuckinkillyou

g said...

ROAD TRIP

Nogocyclist said...

Nursing Cats?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Rocky
Cheese steak
Pussies
Boobies
Cipo

mikeweb said...

Top 10-ish. Meow.

g said...

CRKT CHRP
CHEZ STEK
CIPO CATZ
FREE KNOG
MATE CALL

Meowbey said...

Andre The Giant Has A Pussy

Buffalo Bill said...

Still with the babies. You just keep on stirring that pot Mr. Rock Machine.

Ronde Champ Jr said...

DRIVING Brooklyn to Philly with bike in back of hatchback with fold-down seats...

fuck whining streetsblog nerds and fuck New Jersey pump jockeys too, tho' gas prices are better there.

Philly cheese got next!

Jasper said...

At least he's not making the babies wear helments

Fistful of Coppi said...

go xterrathletes!

that said, i've seen a fair # of roadies go into the dirt, ditches, woods both while descending AND climbing-- the latter of which i wouldn't have thought possible but reach for your waterbottle in the gutter wrong and...

Anonymous said...

OMG there's a golfball-sized rock! Might as well lay the bike down awkwardly to avoid it!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

There's Brett crossing the line @10:15 on the tri-vid. He's got a different kit on though.

Anonymous said...

So, I am still very excited by the whole Peta pregnant boobs thing, and it got me thinking about other cyclist's trophy girls. Lance had the Olsen twin and Matthew McCougnehey. I want to see nekid pics of some of Cippolini's ladies!

crosspalms said...

Good to know it's Cat Week. Will you be Housecat Rock Machine to mark the occasion?

ChumpsElysses said...

top 20

Mcfly said...

Do we have to read the Blog BEFORE we do the bike(key)throw?

Anonymous said...

"good for city communication" come in philadelphia, are you receiving me?
http://newhaven.craigslist.org/bik/2653340948.html

Hungry Panda said...

EWF?

"Lance had the Olsen twin and Matthew McCougnehey."

Is this true, I didn't know Lance drives on that side of the single-track.

More bamboo jokes.

Paul Bowen said...

Can't laugh at those exterra guys as yesterday I came off on the road. And not just on the road, on a smooth dry surface, not racing, with no one around and both hands on the bar. Front puncture that I didn't notice until I tried to lean sharp into a hairpin turn and the front end went wibbleflip and me and the bike slid to ground. So embarrassing.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Filthydelphia is the perfect place for a bicycling cycling expo. While you're there make sure you head up to Street Road and have some water ice. They don't call it the City of Redundancy City for nothing, ya know.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

In a later comment, I pointed out that the real difference was that these guys actually did seem like having fun doing that competition.

Anonymous Xterra video provider

ps: He who is without mtb crash among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at them

sufferist said...

MR. WRM: Good to know that you are getting out and about in these troubled times. Hope all is going well in the babyway for you.

Much love,

-Sufferist

Anonymous said...

No seminar/insemination jokes!? Meh, I guess that would be a little too creepy.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Grump said...

Snob, I find that the quality of rider's bike handling skills, in a group is inversely proportional to the quantity of sleeveless jerseys in that group.

Anonymous said...

"So, I am still very excited by the whole Peta pregnant boobs thing, and it got me thinking about other cyclist's trophy girls. Lance had the Olsen twin and Matthew McCougnehey. I want to see nekid pics of some of Cippolini's ladies!"

dude, we don't want to open that box, cuz all our moms would be in it.

CIPO LOVE

db said...

You watch. Mittens will be in "Playboy" within the next 4 years. Just like that Lohan skank.

crosspalms said...

So is ewf the opposite of meh?

JB said...

An "ewf" is a rare invisible lizard. Letting one out is very irresponsible.

self-obsessed and sexee said...

Again!
I see that Peta pic
and say, "oh, lord!"
Bodaciuos tatas reflex?
Maybe I wasn't a teat suckling bambino.

JB said...

While there's nothing wrong with making fun, if you never crash while mountain biking, you're not really pushing your limits.

Wifebeater said...

Where can I order a sleeveless jersey? A new one, a sleeveless new jersey.

Anonymous said...

@JB-
exactly. so when you endo on a smooth dirt road you may be pushing your limits.

WiTri said...

Yipes! Invisible Lizards! Yet another reason not to do a triathlon (like we needed another one).

Etherhuffer said...

Virility and fecundity. Ewf...

Buy-cycle said...

40? Mario Cipollini could impregnate
that cat from across the room.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob, please be a little more careful with the "Super Mario pictures." Few pictures like that would be greatly appreciated. After that last one I started feeling a little "knocked up" just from looking at it, and I do not want to have to explain the sudden appearance of an infant. Besides, around here every time someone has a virgin birth someone wants to start a new religion to celebrate it, and it did not work out so well for the last mother who had to deal with this issue.

crosspalms said...

But if the ewf's invisible, how did that hipster see it and why did he think it was a fox with auburn hair? Is it possible Peta's an ewf and reveals herself only to lure us to our doom? This could be serious.

g said...

anon 140, don't worry, they're kittens. Everyone likes kittens.

Anonymous said...

after about 15 minutes of the "crickets chirping" video i realized it was only crickets chirping. Uncool snob, uncool.

Anonymous said...

http://www.grist.org/biking/2011-10-26-david-byrne-janette-sadik-khan-new-yorkers-fight-over-bike-lanes

David Byrne does not have a car?

Anonymous said...

So, after extensive Dogpile and AskJeeve's interwebs sleuthing, I found nekid pics of the showgirl Super Mario ditched his wife for.

Magda Gomes

Anonymous said...

snob don't knock philly, it's sort of like brooklyn without having the luck of being connected to manhattan, only with better sports teams and cheesesteaks, and without all of the annoying hiptsters and dainty parkslopians.

mikeweb said...

If Philly is anything close to the portrayal in 'it's always Sunny in Philadelphia', it can't be too bad.

Philly Blunt said...

Hold on a minute there, buddy boy.
That's not a Philly Cheese Steak.
It's not slathered in grease.

Anonymous said...

"..and it did not work out so well for the last mother who had to deal with this issue."

Says you.

No more Mario! I can't handle the awesomeness!

Anonymous said...

http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.tumblr.com/post/11687357877/ugh-morning-commutes-amirite

CommieCanuck said...

When I think of Philly, I think of this.

Anonymous said...

Wow, full suspension on a fire road and the still can't keep the rubber side down.

Nor take advantage of the various gearing possibilities to make it up a short pitch.

Still, a full suspension rig is another thing to buy and show off at the resort.

CommieCanuck said...

after about 15 minutes of the "crickets chirping" video i realized it was only crickets chirping. Uncool snob, uncool.

But if you slow it down, it sounds like 150 minutes of whales fucking. Nature is impressive.

CommieCanuck said...

40? Mario Cipollini could impregnate
that cat from across the room.


Don't be so sure, cipollini is eye-talian for "tiny onions". Just sayin'.

Etherhuffer said...

So, do those tiny onions bring a tear to your eye from across the room? Or is that a pearl necklace?

Anonymous said...

I'd rather recommend the walk-behind quad

http://lambkin.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/rollator4.jpg

Anonymous said...

mmm....

embearded Cipo....

But shoes?

Aren't socks bad enough?

Anonymous said...

Sorry Snob. Even your appearance and the chance at a free titanium bike could not get me to Philadelphia. Worse yet, one needs to cross Nj to get there...good luck with that,

ervgopwr said...

@Anon 2:06

MILLE GRAZI!

David Byrne's Car said...

thinks those terra people need to lay off the brakes

bikesgonewild said...

...william claude dukenfield (w.c. fields) once said "all things considered, i'd rather be in philadelphia..."...

...maybe he n' snob know something we don't...

Comment deleted said...

bgw - yeah, but that was on his tombstone.

db said...

@comment deleted: Urban legend

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Hasn't anyone else here visited Maui? I have, and even spent a fair amount of time knocking around that particular part of the island. I'm not going to say that those riders have handling skills that are better than average. I will say that those shots that look fairly flat are actually quite steep. That's just how things look when you aim a camera up a mountain, and most of the dirt roads around there stay pretty close to the fall line, somewhere around 15-20% grade. Many of the rocks are loose fist-size pieces of pumice that can roll readily, which can cause handling problems for anyone. Not necessarily bail-worthy handling problems, but for those who don't ride it a lot...
Lastly, the exposed bedrock around there is also pumice, so the consequences of going down can be pretty nasty. By all means have your fun, but maybe have a little respect as well.

Anonymous said...

@ anon 5:11

Sorry no. I've seen enough video, head cam footage and the like to get a pretty good sense of geography.
Those people have lousy skills. Further, most, if not all are on dualies.
No respect from me.

Anonymous said...

OOOps. You're from Nebraska. No wonder you're a bad judge of gradient.

Mel Brooks said...

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.

Comedy is when a tri-dork walks into an open sewer and dies.

bikesgonewild said...

...@comment deleted...

...whoops, good point !!!...but a definite "...lol..." when i read your comment...

bikesgonewild said...

...@'db'...spoilsport...

ladymtbiker said...

Hey Snobby-- you must have read my post yesterday! Or you just watched the video and thought the same thing I did.

Anon 12:44-- it's not the crashing that we are all making fun of; I, for one, endo'd in every race I did my first season (and I seem to have never tired of it). It's the complete lack of MTB handling, from the painfully rigid body stance (on full suspension) to constant braking to (and this totally defies me) NO ONE even TRYING to ride up the hill? There is nary a rider in sight. Even if it is steeper than it looks, we try to ride it anyway. That's why we brought the MTB along with us.

Anonymous said...

The Anonymous Xterra video provider is Mr Lance!

Vegas said...

Procreating is fine as long as you minimize your offspring's environmental impact by KEEPING THEM IN A WIRE DOG KENNEL:
http://news.yahoo.com/police-2-nebraska-boys-kept-wire-dog-kennel-212025610.html

Vegas said...

Haven't watched the dirt-tri vid yet, looking forward to it!

Vegas said...

Oh, and I'd like to tell the winner of today's sprint to get bent.

Throwaway_Bicycling said...

So I tried to help out and find some pictures on the 'net where Peta succeeds in covering her boobs so you wouldn't have to meta-recumbabe out her nipples. But, to a first approximation...there aren't any. Seriously, I scanned page after page after page of Google image search results in vain. And I am sure this is the kind of dedication you can expect from each and every reader of your blog. Or, at least those who read it for the articles.

Bambu said...

What's today?
Wednesday wackness?

Roll me up, or I'ma fucken kill ya!

Anonymous said...

It seems like now we just put the word "occupy" in front of whatever we're upset about. For instance in the image preceded by this comment: "And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:" This is a great example of "OccupyFlatTire". There is little evidence of a plan for "change" (though his his wheel is off), but more importantly, it doesn't look like he'll be going anywhere soon.

Anonymous said...

#occupydoobies

ringcycles said...

Well now I know why Cipollini is sponsoring a womens road team, its Paolo Bettini's plan to breed a contender for the 2036 world championship. Just by riding with the ladies he should get 7-8 bambini, practically the whole squadra.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

"dude, we don't want to open that box, cuz all our moms would be in it"

Wise words

I only visit bikesnobnyc for the thoughtfully written particles. As such I'm grateful that WRM maintains the sophisticated tone of the weblication though appropriate censorship. Layering of censored boobies to enable censorship of boobies too epic and unwieldy to censor conventionally is innovative and classy.

Regarding the Xterra race video, I found myself so mesmerised by all the slow motion bicep jiggling that I really didn't take much else in. However, I was able to confirm that the invisible reptilian creature tormenting the poor participants was in fact an Xterradorktyl. Those biceps were quivering with fear it seems. Lured in by the scent of carbohydrate gel, an attacking Xterradorktyl will not concede even a Red Hartebeest worth of advanced warning.

screaming skull said...

Occupy vaginas!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, what was up with all the slow-motion shots of giggling biceps? Was that film really some kind of arm-fetish film for people with a strange kink?

Now, if it were Peta and not her arms...

wotboy said...

This blog post would've been a lot cooler if that crickets video was a Rickroll.

Anonymous said...

That is not a Philly cheesesteak. That is a New York imitation of a Philly Cheesesteak. Note the use of bell peppers rather than hot peppers. And if one needs to put "Philly" in front of the word cheesesteak, it isn't a cheesesteak, but merely a meat sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Hipster IQ fail: Manhattan Avenue runs North and South so how can you be on the "southside"?

Ewf!

Spence said...

Most impress

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Fixie Bikes said...

Post more peta todd XD

Brian said...

So, do those tiny onions bring a tear to your eye from across the room? Or is that a pearl necklace?