Naturally, I realize the appropriate reaction to such an announcement is a resounding "meh" since I'm about as interesting as an expired Performance discount code, and I figured I'd better provide some additional incentive beyond just the opportunity to insult me in person. So I reached out to some of the finest cycling-related companies in the world and asked if they'd be willing to provide me with prizes to give away at the talk.
They told me to go fuck myself.
Realizing I'd better lower my sights a bit, I then went to some companies sufficiently lacking in dignity that they're not embarrassed to be associated with me, and they agreed. I'd hate to spoil the surprise, but let's just say if you choose to come to my little presentation thingy you could walk away with fabulous prizes such as:
--Top-notch blinky lights!
--Designer unguents from the company that owns the copyright on the word "epic!"
--Beans from which hot caffeinated beverages can be made!
All in all, I'd say it beats taking a "hot karl" to the face.
Speaking of "hot karls," recently I received the following disturbing email from a reader:
Subject: Hot Karl procedural question
To: bikesnobnyc@yahootheworldscrappiestemailcompany.com
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2011, 12:50 PM
Dear Mr. Snob,
I believe I have just witnessed a "Hot Karl", but there were some discrepancies between the definition of a "Hot Karl" and what transpired.
The scene:
I'm riding my bike to work the morning of October 13th 2011. A lady is walking her dog along the same street that I am riding. The dog is barking and the lady is trying to get the dog to be quiet.
Repeated attempts of verbal demands ("Quit-it!", "Shut up!", etc.) go un-noticed by the dog.
Clearly fed up with her pet's lack of obedience, she takes the baggie of her pet's poop she's carrying and smacks the dog square in the face with it.
I am wondering if this constitutes a Hot Karl since the poop was in a baggie and not a sock.
Please help me solve this mystery.
muchas gracias,
Adam
I'm not sure if there's a "hot karling" equivalent of the UCI that requires a "hot karl" to be administered in an actual sock, but either way this woman's behavior is contemptible, and at the very least she should be the recipient of the rare and disgusting "free karl," which is of course the administration of feces directly to the face without the aid of a sock or similar sanitary delivery vessel. Perhaps Adam can liaise with his local PETA chapter to help make this scenario a reality.
Speaking of contemptible, on Wednesday I mentioned that whole GM "bikes are for losers" mishigas, and as you've probably heard, not only have they pulled the advertisement, but giant bicycle manufacturer Giant countered with an ad of their own:
Very clever. Still, I don't like where this is going, because inevitably this is just going to lead to a great big public my-vehicle-is-better-than-your-vehicle advertising slapfight, and that's a fight nobody wins. In fact, other modes of transport are already weighing in:
It's only a matter of time before we start hearing from the Rollerbladers, and I only hope it all ends before the Segway people start getting in on the act.
Lastly, on a more positive note, as of today the guy who wants to move to Portland and got mad at me when I mentioned his Kickstarter now has a total four (4) backers:
That's four (4) more than he had before I mentioned it. I don't mean to be smug or anything, but if he's going to move to Portand he'd better get used to the smugness. I hear they even brew it into the Stumptown there.
Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll jump around joyously, and if you're wrong you'll
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your lateral stiffness be on par with your vertical compliance.
--Wildcat Schmuck Machine
1) "Fred-vision" glasses were born when the inventor:
--Tripped because he was staring at his Garmin while running
--Watched the "Fuck you, asshole" scene from the first "Terminator" movie
--Stumbled upon a moldy Petri dish as an apple fell onto his head
--Had a dream in which thousands of cyclists on crabon bikes were riding with their heads up their asses and farting money
2) This is a:
--"Recumbent"
--"Recumbant"
--"Recumbunt"
3) NPR has actually conducted a lengthy and revealing interview withthe time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret, also known as "The Face of Cycling:"
--True
--False
4) Experts attribute the recent rise in auto sales in part to the popularity of car-branded bicycles:
--True
--False
5) Which is not a line from the above new "fixie"-themed video?
--"It's a real connection between you and the bike?"
--Had a dream in which thousands of cyclists on crabon bikes were riding with their heads up their asses and farting money
2) This is a:
--"Recumbent"
--"Recumbant"
--"Recumbunt"
3) NPR has actually conducted a lengthy and revealing interview with
--True
--False
4) Experts attribute the recent rise in auto sales in part to the popularity of car-branded bicycles:
--True
--False
5) Which is not a line from the above new "fixie"-themed video?
--"It's a real connection between you and the bike?"
--Perfect his disconcerting stare
--Ride a fixed-gear bicycle from one end of Long Island to the other
--Ride a fixed-gear bicycle from one end of Long Island to the other
***Special Gratuitous Cuteness-Themed Bonus Question***
Omigod, like, how cute?!?
--So cute!
--Totally cute!
--Not cute at all if the monkey is actually trying to strangle the puppy
--All of the above
122 comments:
podium?
Early doors
money bronze!
AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!
Hang gliding - not so good at actually getting you from A to B.
No comment.
Huh?
I wonder if Bret thinks of that legendary photo shoot as his most memorable ride. It's certainly his most memorialized.
I'll admit it...these quizzes is too hard!
Top Ten!
top ten . . . finally
Quack
Early today after the two late posting this week.
rhodium
14th
cycle
I like turtles....
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
I broke my wookie.
It tastes like burning.
@jasper Hangliding is great at getting from A to B. It is just the getting from B back to A that is a bitch.
Top Twenty whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!
The wrong answer video shows the next step in woosie philosophy.
Now its evolved from, if it rains take the bus, to if it rains utilize that expensive recording software you bought when your band was about to get big, but never got around to writing songs or practicing.
Monkey Death Grip!
sweet monkey love
I get how he made a bunch of sort-of musical sounding tones with his bike, but how does the piano figure in to it?
Piano solo in that Sounds Of Bicycle video had better have been played on a Crabon Baby Grand or gtfo
You know, if dogs and monkeys can get along, maybe there's hope for me and cycle chic after all.
Unless that is one of those "chic monkeys" who really is strangling the symbolic "tasteless oaf dog".
Hard to say.
I did not notice that the kick starter bike repair man is wearing sandals of some sort while riding. He is ready for Portland.
Who was that masked Speare Bearer?
Making the universal sign for "lozenge"
har har har, thnx Snob
Vito has a puppy now? That's cute!
Hey Wildcat! Stomaching the hefty subscription price of your blog on my meager kickstarter earnings would be much easier if you scored an interview with, the one and only, time travelling T-shirt wearing retro fred from the planet tri-dork. Pretty please.
oh! also you should use kickstarter to fund a documentary of the search for the TTTSWRFFTPTD. It will be "the search for Animal Chin" of a new generation. what could possibly be more epic?
What was the reason to go to Philadelphia again?
Did you know David Byrne can play a building, was that him playing his Trek?
Who exactly is the Recumbabe?
From whence does she ride?
Is anyone trying to get the facts?
If she's real, I think we need to know what makes her tick.
I hope I'm not alone here.
I'm doing the full Rocky IV montage workout in preparation for this year's Philly appearance - going all out to win another bag of "epic" unguents!
A hot Karl is taking a dump on someone's chest. Not pooping in a sock and smacking 'em wid it.
Philly has some of the least beautiful residents of any major city I have visited. Everyone is at least 50 lbs overweight and wears sweatpants. WTF.
Tough quiz this week.
Handmade in Toronto. Y.
Only 6/8 on this quiz. Great job on the self-indulgent Kickstarter ideas; I couldn't tell the fake ones from the real ones. I guess folks on Kickstarter make it easy for you though.
Also there are just way too many ways to misspell "recumbent."
Anway, thanks for the laughs!
Thanks Anon 1:09! After reading this blog I thought I had been doing it wrong all these years.
Wildcat Rock Machine,
Here's my question of the day:
There is quite a lot of pro cyclists wearing one or multiple earrings in one or both ears.
What do you think of this trend ?
As an added bonus:
Frank Zappa on that You Tube page
also playing a bicycle
at age 22
on the Steve Allen Show.
Zipcar trying to get in on the act...
Not as meanspirited though
Anon @ 1:09: That's a Cleveland Steamer. At least that's what I learned in school.
Did that "ford" bike yesterday really brag about "a featherweight 5.5-lb frame" ???
Is that like a featherweight F-150 Supercab 4x4?
Philly has some of the least beautiful residents of any major city I have visited. Everyone is at least 50 lbs overweight and wears sweatpants. WTF.
Try Chicago. They eat lasagna with their hands, call it, "Deep dish pizza".
Cleveland Steamer? Up here, we call it the Montreal Dumpsicle.
Does TTTSWRFFTPTD realize he's more famous that Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis put together?
Anonymous 1:11pm,
Philly is a "major city"...?
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Here's my question of the day:
There is quite a lot of pro cyclists wearing one or multiple earrings in one or both ears.
What do you think of this trend ?
I'll field this one: earrings, multiple or single, are a sign of one's individuality, like tattoos. Very few people have tattoos and a skull with some flaming shit-thing is really art. Really.
Philly is a "major city"...?
Talk to people in Lancaster.
umm Snobby, there is a mistake on today's quiz: I'm fairly certain that the correct answer to question #1 is d) "Had a dream in which..."
Oh, you smug New Yorkers.... Philly is the 5th biggest city in the US. Bigger than Boston, D.C., any other large city on the east coast beside the one so nice they named it twice.
Sorry JB, but a Cleveland Steam cleaner is when you clean off the previously described by pissing on it.
Anonymous 2:21pm,
Boston's that quaint little college town in New England, right?
--Wildcat Rock Machine
So how do I tune my spokes all Chinesey like?
@Paul Bowen
Buy a Trek
Dude I did bad on the quiz but the cute question at the end makes it all better! Question: Can a person (or dog) be "Hot Karl'ed" with a sock full of pot?
Should not thee monkee be choking yon chicken?
fap fap fap fap fap ... etc., etc.
Jason, I dunno but there is a good joke about some Labrador in there for someone less lazy than me.
Q: What do you call a Seattlite reeking of a canine hot carl?
A: Portland Cyclist
I could really really go for a Philly Jizz-Steak sammich.
TV news lady;
"Rocky. Do other fighters pound raw meat?"
Rocky:
Nah! I think I invented it.
4fuxake 2:17, Yeah, I thought the same thing. First answer to Q1 might be the official line, but the last one is the right answer.
If you use nylons instead of a sock, is it a hot Karla?
Further to the Car/Bike antagonism, Chrysler decides to pepper their new ad with shots of cyclists: The Roadie, the Kid on the BMX bike, The utility cyclist (or at least a utility bicycle).
If you use nylons instead of a sock, is it a hot Karla?
Actually, that's a hot Edgar Hoover.
better than the "Hot Karl" is the "Hot Carlos". its when, inspired by feelings of love, you poop on your lover's top lip and then shape it with your fingers into a mexican mustache like pancho villa.
69! Ohhh yeah. Me likey bouncy.
balls.
Haff you theen my batheball? And what about my helmeth?
I just hate theeth thshoes, I really prefer thandals!
I pledged twenty-five bucks to the rolling disco. Come on, the guys trying to get out of Boston, for chrissakes. He deserves a benefit concert starring U2 and the rotting corpses of Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, and Tyler Perry.
Just fyi... this week, Tilford had a rather serious and deep discussion on the nature of life, death and the universe.
Meanwhile, BSNYC makes poop jokes.
So much for the myth of NY sophisticates and flyover state yokels.
The nature of life, death and the universe
is what I'm all about.
My most memorable ride was...
Well, I was so drunk I don't actually remember most of it.
...right on, skink...a young suit wearing frank zappa back in the '60's...
..definitely better than the posted vid...
@CommieCanuck 1:57,
Yeah, we do, but we learned it from Wisconsinites. Large people in sweatpants in their state bird.
We may have to talk to you downtown Mr. Commie Canuck. Just the facts please
Leave him alone Bill, he's obviously been Hot Karled.
Oh merde, a hole in my nylons again. What will Roy Cohn think of me?
Jesus, mom would liked a Hot Karl better with her nylons intend.
Fuck your mom Ellroy.
...officers webb, officer friday, we need your help, please...
...that monkey is named 'vito' & it looked like he was just giving the cute little puppy dog a hug but omg, now he's choking & fucking him at the same time !!!...
...& vito's owner is just riding around in circles on his bike & laughing...
I'm up for Hot Karl!
Monkeies? Dogs? Sure, why not?
How do my nylons look?
Hot Karl me or ima fuckin kill ya
Hot Karl puree'
We're having a Karl-off!
Hot Karl? Does that mean it's lit when you use it?
Hot Karl? Beats the sheep.....
You want a piece of me?
brother bgw,
Steve Allen also hosted Kerouac reading from ON THE ROAD; you probably know that, but just in case.
Can we talk about bicycles again? Please?
Today I spent most of my day at work inside the bottom of a 4' wide by 30' tall smokestack trying to cut back rusty steel to a point where a patch could be welded. My hair's full of fly ash, and my skin looks a lot like those photos of old coalmine workers. My commute home was against a headwind strong enough to require me to pedal downhill! I'm feeling about as evil as a sober bike commuter in Nebraska can be and then I get to the end of BSNYC/RTMS/WRM's quiz and there's a MONKEY....
Hugging a PUPPY!
Aaaawwwwwwwwwwww....
Bike snob,
Do people still do fixed gear freestyle in NYC or did they all move to Austin?
I must admit, I was unaware of the "hot Karl". That is just gross(to me). Then, the Amish gal offered me a "rusty trombone" if I would portage her to the farm. Again, totally caught off guard. Been living in a cave, I guess.
I knew a guy who knew a guy who Hot Karled his top tube...
100 times!
where's my monkey love?
My wife's mad at me because I think you're funnier than she is.
I gave to the kickstarter because of you. I hope you continue the coverage.
Interesting that Frank Zappa uses the same pronunciation of buy-cycle as Bill Cosby. Annoying too.
Sorry I'm late. My dog enlisted my help for a research project.
My dog wishes to report that he has no opinion as to whether the woman described in Adam's missive as mistreating her canine companion had performed a true Hot Karl maneuver.
He claims that he does know that she subsequently performed a Sheboygan Shuffle -- a maneuver you don't realize you are performing until it is too late.
He didn't offer details beyond that a classic shuffle involves a doorstep, flaming paper bag, doggie dejecta and well timed doorbell ringing.
He also wishes to add that he didn't do it, no one saw him do it, they can't prove a thing.
Ride safe all (and watch your step)!
In 70's NYC before the "pooper-scooper laws",the tires on my Columbia Sturmey Archer 3 speed smelled sometimes of Hot Karl.
Leroy, you and your fucking dog.
quiz question 7:
"This plain woman is"
Choking on my massive discharge of me Super Semen*
Ghack! Ghack!
*viscous whitish secretion of the male reproductive organs, containing spermatozoa and consisting of secretions of the testes, seminal vesicles, prostate, and bulbourethral glands. Also called seminal fluid.
CE--
True story -- years ago, my dog went to a fancy party with Gwyneth Paltrow. He couldn't believe how friendly everyone was. They all called him the fucking dog even though he and Ms. Paltrow are just friends.
why certain group of cyclists install drop bars without tape, uses gloves, and ride while holding as close as possible to the stem 99.9%of the time?? why dont they use flat bars or bullhorns instead?
I have just received a U. S. patent on the term, usage, technique and intellectual rendering of 'Hot Karl'. Any further reference to or even the merest thoughts of 'Hot Karl' will be dealt with severley and post haste by my team of lawyers, attorneys, assorted hired hipster steroid abusers and compliant crank zombies.
8/8 I rule!
Oh, Snob, you so funny, man, it blow my mind. U B like the hippest hipster makin funna hipsters in the whole damn' worl!
...in my best andy rooney voice...
..."...do you ever wonder if karl malden's wife used to call him hot karl when they were having sex ???...with all this talk about 'hot karl's' these days, i certainly wonder..."...
..."...well, i'll see you next week...ohhh, wait, i guess i won't but you have a good night anyway"...
:) ...incase that wasn't obvious. But seriously, get that poor mutt a monkey.
In case
My dog has been singing "everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey" all weekend.
At least I know when he's drafting.
i dont know if you've seen it, its related to the car branded bike post
http://vimeo.com/29375973
...monkey see...
...doggie doo...
No mention of the unveiling of the Giro d'Italia 2012, the most difficult bike race in the world in the most beautiful country in the world. WTF!
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I'm sure those prizes did fine!
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