Friday, October 14, 2011

BSNYC Friday Bicycle Licensing Exam!

Last whenever it was, I mentioned I'd be appearing at the Philly Bike Expo, which takes place on October 29th and 30th in (appropriately enough) Philadelphia:


Naturally, I realize the appropriate reaction to such an announcement is a resounding "meh" since I'm about as interesting as an expired Performance discount code, and I figured I'd better provide some additional incentive beyond just the opportunity to insult me in person. So I reached out to some of the finest cycling-related companies in the world and asked if they'd be willing to provide me with prizes to give away at the talk.

They told me to go fuck myself.

Realizing I'd better lower my sights a bit, I then went to some companies sufficiently lacking in dignity that they're not embarrassed to be associated with me, and they agreed. I'd hate to spoil the surprise, but let's just say if you choose to come to my little presentation thingy you could walk away with fabulous prizes such as:

--Top-notch blinky lights!

--Designer unguents from the company that owns the copyright on the word "epic!"

--Beans from which hot caffeinated beverages can be made!

All in all, I'd say it beats taking a "hot karl" to the face.

Speaking of "hot karls," recently I received the following disturbing email from a reader:

Subject: Hot Karl procedural question
To: bikesnobnyc@yahootheworldscrappiestemailcompany.com
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2011, 12:50 PM

Dear Mr. Snob,
I believe I have just witnessed a "Hot Karl", but there were some discrepancies between the definition of a "Hot Karl" and what transpired.

The scene:
I'm riding my bike to work the morning of October 13th 2011. A lady is walking her dog along the same street that I am riding. The dog is barking and the lady is trying to get the dog to be quiet.
Repeated attempts of verbal demands ("Quit-it!", "Shut up!", etc.) go un-noticed by the dog.
Clearly fed up with her pet's lack of obedience, she takes the baggie of her pet's poop she's carrying and smacks the dog square in the face with it.

I am wondering if this constitutes a Hot Karl since the poop was in a baggie and not a sock.

Please help me solve this mystery.

muchas gracias,
Adam


I'm not sure if there's a "hot karling" equivalent of the UCI that requires a "hot karl" to be administered in an actual sock, but either way this woman's behavior is contemptible, and at the very least she should be the recipient of the rare and disgusting "free karl," which is of course the administration of feces directly to the face without the aid of a sock or similar sanitary delivery vessel. Perhaps Adam can liaise with his local PETA chapter to help make this scenario a reality.

Speaking of contemptible, on Wednesday I mentioned that whole GM "bikes are for losers" mishigas, and as you've probably heard, not only have they pulled the advertisement, but giant bicycle manufacturer Giant countered with an ad of their own:

Very clever. Still, I don't like where this is going, because inevitably this is just going to lead to a great big public my-vehicle-is-better-than-your-vehicle advertising slapfight, and that's a fight nobody wins. In fact, other modes of transport are already weighing in:

It's only a matter of time before we start hearing from the Rollerbladers, and I only hope it all ends before the Segway people start getting in on the act.

Lastly, on a more positive note, as of today the guy who wants to move to Portland and got mad at me when I mentioned his Kickstarter now has a total four (4) backers:

That's four (4) more than he had before I mentioned it. I don't mean to be smug or anything, but if he's going to move to Portand he'd better get used to the smugness. I hear they even brew it into the Stumptown there.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll jump around joyously, and if you're wrong you'll receive a "hot karl" hear the sound of Fredness.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your lateral stiffness be on par with your vertical compliance.


--Wildcat Schmuck Machine






1) "Fred-vision" glasses were born when the inventor:

--Tripped because he was staring at his Garmin while running
--Watched the "Fuck you, asshole" scene from the first "Terminator" movie
--Stumbled upon a moldy Petri dish as an apple fell onto his head
--Had a dream in which thousands of cyclists on crabon bikes were riding with their heads up their asses and farting money






2) This is a:

--"Recumbent"
--"Recumbant"
--"Recumbunt"





3) NPR has actually conducted a lengthy and revealing interview with the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret, also known as "The Face of Cycling:"

--True
--False






4) Experts attribute the recent rise in auto sales in part to the popularity of car-branded bicycles:

--True
--False






5) Which is not a line from the above new "fixie"-themed video?

--"It's a real connection between you and the bike?"






6) This man needs $5,000 in order to:








7) This woman is:

--Contemplating a used Trek



***Special Gratuitous Cuteness-Themed Bonus Question***



Omigod, like, how cute?!?

--So cute!
--Totally cute!
--Not cute at all if the monkey is actually trying to strangle the puppy
--All of the above

122 comments:

dcdouglas said...

podium?

Jasper said...

Early doors

Rob said...

money bronze!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!

Jasper said...

Hang gliding - not so good at actually getting you from A to B.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

JB said...

Huh?

nes said...

I wonder if Bret thinks of that legendary photo shoot as his most memorable ride. It's certainly his most memorialized.

Blog Drafter said...

I'll admit it...these quizzes is too hard!

Top Ten!

atxcyclist said...

top ten . . . finally

GhostOfTyrone said...

Quack

Nogocyclist said...

Early today after the two late posting this week.

Anonymous said...

rhodium

Anonymous said...

14th

cycle

Anonymous said...

I like turtles....

JB said...

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

JB said...

I broke my wookie.

JB said...

It tastes like burning.

Anonymous said...

@jasper Hangliding is great at getting from A to B. It is just the getting from B back to A that is a bitch.

West Van Forest Hump said...

Top Twenty whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!

BMODe said...

The wrong answer video shows the next step in woosie philosophy.

Now its evolved from, if it rains take the bus, to if it rains utilize that expensive recording software you bought when your band was about to get big, but never got around to writing songs or practicing.

Dan said...

Monkey Death Grip!

Marcel Da Chump said...

sweet monkey love

Buffalo Bill said...

I get how he made a bunch of sort-of musical sounding tones with his bike, but how does the piano figure in to it?

Ryan Kennedy said...

Piano solo in that Sounds Of Bicycle video had better have been played on a Crabon Baby Grand or gtfo

RANTWICK said...

You know, if dogs and monkeys can get along, maybe there's hope for me and cycle chic after all.

Unless that is one of those "chic monkeys" who really is strangling the symbolic "tasteless oaf dog".

Hard to say.

Anonymous said...

I did not notice that the kick starter bike repair man is wearing sandals of some sort while riding. He is ready for Portland.

Local people of the area said...

Who was that masked Speare Bearer?

Anonymous said...

Making the universal sign for "lozenge"

har har har, thnx Snob

Jolene said...

Vito has a puppy now? That's cute!

Pebes said...

Hey Wildcat! Stomaching the hefty subscription price of your blog on my meager kickstarter earnings would be much easier if you scored an interview with, the one and only, time travelling T-shirt wearing retro fred from the planet tri-dork. Pretty please.

Pebes said...

oh! also you should use kickstarter to fund a documentary of the search for the TTTSWRFFTPTD. It will be "the search for Animal Chin" of a new generation. what could possibly be more epic?

Anonymous said...

What was the reason to go to Philadelphia again?

Anonymous said...

Did you know David Byrne can play a building, was that him playing his Trek?

Anonymous said...

Who exactly is the Recumbabe?

From whence does she ride?

Is anyone trying to get the facts?

If she's real, I think we need to know what makes her tick.

I hope I'm not alone here.

OBA said...

I'm doing the full Rocky IV montage workout in preparation for this year's Philly appearance - going all out to win another bag of "epic" unguents!

Anonymous said...

A hot Karl is taking a dump on someone's chest. Not pooping in a sock and smacking 'em wid it.

Anonymous said...

Philly has some of the least beautiful residents of any major city I have visited. Everyone is at least 50 lbs overweight and wears sweatpants. WTF.

mikeweb said...

Tough quiz this week.

Handmade in Toronto. Y.

Billy said...

Only 6/8 on this quiz. Great job on the self-indulgent Kickstarter ideas; I couldn't tell the fake ones from the real ones. I guess folks on Kickstarter make it easy for you though.

Also there are just way too many ways to misspell "recumbent."

Anway, thanks for the laughs!

streepo said...

Thanks Anon 1:09! After reading this blog I thought I had been doing it wrong all these years.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat Rock Machine,

Here's my question of the day:

There is quite a lot of pro cyclists wearing one or multiple earrings in one or both ears.

What do you think of this trend ?

skink said...

As an added bonus:
Frank Zappa on that You Tube page
also playing a bicycle
at age 22
on the Steve Allen Show.

Eric Lowe said...

Zipcar trying to get in on the act...

Not as meanspirited though

JB said...

Anon @ 1:09: That's a Cleveland Steamer. At least that's what I learned in school.

Anonymous said...

Did that "ford" bike yesterday really brag about "a featherweight 5.5-lb frame" ???

Is that like a featherweight F-150 Supercab 4x4?

CommieCanuck said...

Philly has some of the least beautiful residents of any major city I have visited. Everyone is at least 50 lbs overweight and wears sweatpants. WTF.

Try Chicago. They eat lasagna with their hands, call it, "Deep dish pizza".

CommieCanuck said...

Cleveland Steamer? Up here, we call it the Montreal Dumpsicle.

Anonymous said...

Does TTTSWRFFTPTD realize he's more famous that Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis put together?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:11pm,

Philly is a "major city"...?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CommieCanuck said...

Here's my question of the day:
There is quite a lot of pro cyclists wearing one or multiple earrings in one or both ears.
What do you think of this trend ?


I'll field this one: earrings, multiple or single, are a sign of one's individuality, like tattoos. Very few people have tattoos and a skull with some flaming shit-thing is really art. Really.

CommieCanuck said...


Philly is a "major city"...?


Talk to people in Lancaster.

4fuxake said...

umm Snobby, there is a mistake on today's quiz: I'm fairly certain that the correct answer to question #1 is d) "Had a dream in which..."

Anonymous said...

Oh, you smug New Yorkers.... Philly is the 5th biggest city in the US. Bigger than Boston, D.C., any other large city on the east coast beside the one so nice they named it twice.

streepo said...

Sorry JB, but a Cleveland Steam cleaner is when you clean off the previously described by pissing on it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:21pm,

Boston's that quaint little college town in New England, right?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Paul Bowen said...

So how do I tune my spokes all Chinesey like?

streepo said...

@Paul Bowen
Buy a Trek

Jason Recumbant said...

Dude I did bad on the quiz but the cute question at the end makes it all better! Question: Can a person (or dog) be "Hot Karl'ed" with a sock full of pot?

VVilliam Shakelob said...

Should not thee monkee be choking yon chicken?

fap fap fap fap fap ... etc., etc.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Jason, I dunno but there is a good joke about some Labrador in there for someone less lazy than me.

Etherhuffer said...

Q: What do you call a Seattlite reeking of a canine hot carl?

A: Portland Cyclist

Rocky Balbocumm said...

I could really really go for a Philly Jizz-Steak sammich.

TV news lady;

"Rocky. Do other fighters pound raw meat?"

Rocky:

Nah! I think I invented it.

g-roc said...

4fuxake 2:17, Yeah, I thought the same thing. First answer to Q1 might be the official line, but the last one is the right answer.

Etherhuffer said...

If you use nylons instead of a sock, is it a hot Karla?

Anonymous Coward said...

Further to the Car/Bike antagonism, Chrysler decides to pepper their new ad with shots of cyclists: The Roadie, the Kid on the BMX bike, The utility cyclist (or at least a utility bicycle).

CommieCanuck said...

If you use nylons instead of a sock, is it a hot Karla?

Actually, that's a hot Edgar Hoover.

Pebes said...

better than the "Hot Karl" is the "Hot Carlos". its when, inspired by feelings of love, you poop on your lover's top lip and then shape it with your fingers into a mexican mustache like pancho villa.

Buy-cycle said...

69! Ohhh yeah. Me likey bouncy.

Anonymous said...

balls.

Gweneth Paltrow said...

Haff you theen my batheball? And what about my helmeth?

Gweneth Paltrow on Set said...

I just hate theeth thshoes, I really prefer thandals!

Eric_WVGG said...

I pledged twenty-five bucks to the rolling disco. Come on, the guys trying to get out of Boston, for chrissakes. He deserves a benefit concert starring U2 and the rotting corpses of Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, and Tyler Perry.

Anonymous said...

Just fyi... this week, Tilford had a rather serious and deep discussion on the nature of life, death and the universe.

Meanwhile, BSNYC makes poop jokes.

So much for the myth of NY sophisticates and flyover state yokels.

shit said...

The nature of life, death and the universe
is what I'm all about.

PawnShop said...

My most memorable ride was...

Well, I was so drunk I don't actually remember most of it.

bikesgonewild said...

...right on, skink...a young suit wearing frank zappa back in the '60's...

..definitely better than the posted vid...

crosspalms said...

@CommieCanuck 1:57,
Yeah, we do, but we learned it from Wisconsinites. Large people in sweatpants in their state bird.

Jack Webb said...

We may have to talk to you downtown Mr. Commie Canuck. Just the facts please

Joe Friday said...

Leave him alone Bill, he's obviously been Hot Karled.

J Edgar Hoover said...

Oh merde, a hole in my nylons again. What will Roy Cohn think of me?

James Ellroy said...

Jesus, mom would liked a Hot Karl better with her nylons intend.

Steve Hodel said...

Fuck your mom Ellroy.

bikesgonewild said...

...officers webb, officer friday, we need your help, please...

...that monkey is named 'vito' & it looked like he was just giving the cute little puppy dog a hug but omg, now he's choking & fucking him at the same time !!!...

...& vito's owner is just riding around in circles on his bike & laughing...

Jeff Dahmer said...

I'm up for Hot Karl!

John Wayne Gacy said...

Monkeies? Dogs? Sure, why not?

Richard Speck said...

How do my nylons look?

Ed Gein said...

Hot Karl me or ima fuckin kill ya

Ex-Lax said...

Hot Karl puree'

Boris said...

We're having a Karl-off!

Monica Lewinsky said...

Hot Karl? Does that mean it's lit when you use it?

Frat Boy said...

Hot Karl? Beats the sheep.....

Karl Marx said...

You want a piece of me?

skink said...

brother bgw,
Steve Allen also hosted Kerouac reading from ON THE ROAD; you probably know that, but just in case.

Kot Harl said...

Can we talk about bicycles again? Please?

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Today I spent most of my day at work inside the bottom of a 4' wide by 30' tall smokestack trying to cut back rusty steel to a point where a patch could be welded. My hair's full of fly ash, and my skin looks a lot like those photos of old coalmine workers. My commute home was against a headwind strong enough to require me to pedal downhill! I'm feeling about as evil as a sober bike commuter in Nebraska can be and then I get to the end of BSNYC/RTMS/WRM's quiz and there's a MONKEY....

Hugging a PUPPY!


Aaaawwwwwwwwwwww....

Anonymous said...

Bike snob,
Do people still do fixed gear freestyle in NYC or did they all move to Austin?

JDH said...

I must admit, I was unaware of the "hot Karl". That is just gross(to me). Then, the Amish gal offered me a "rusty trombone" if I would portage her to the farm. Again, totally caught off guard. Been living in a cave, I guess.

Anonymous said...

I knew a guy who knew a guy who Hot Karled his top tube...

Anonymous said...

100 times!

dalmation said...

where's my monkey love?

Anonymous said...

My wife's mad at me because I think you're funnier than she is.

Mac said...

I gave to the kickstarter because of you. I hope you continue the coverage.

g-roc said...

Interesting that Frank Zappa uses the same pronunciation of buy-cycle as Bill Cosby. Annoying too.

leroy said...

Sorry I'm late. My dog enlisted my help for a research project.

My dog wishes to report that he has no opinion as to whether the woman described in Adam's missive as mistreating her canine companion had performed a true Hot Karl maneuver.

He claims that he does know that she subsequently performed a Sheboygan Shuffle -- a maneuver you don't realize you are performing until it is too late.

He didn't offer details beyond that a classic shuffle involves a doorstep, flaming paper bag, doggie dejecta and well timed doorbell ringing.

He also wishes to add that he didn't do it, no one saw him do it, they can't prove a thing.

Ride safe all (and watch your step)!

Marcel Da Chump said...

In 70's NYC before the "pooper-scooper laws",the tires on my Columbia Sturmey Archer 3 speed smelled sometimes of Hot Karl.

ce said...

Leroy, you and your fucking dog.

Johnny Waddd said...

quiz question 7:

"This plain woman is"

Choking on my massive discharge of me Super Semen*

Ghack! Ghack!

*viscous whitish secretion of the male reproductive organs, containing spermatozoa and consisting of secretions of the testes, seminal vesicles, prostate, and bulbourethral glands. Also called seminal fluid.

leroy said...

CE--

True story -- years ago, my dog went to a fancy party with Gwyneth Paltrow. He couldn't believe how friendly everyone was. They all called him the fucking dog even though he and Ms. Paltrow are just friends.

Bob said...

why certain group of cyclists install drop bars without tape, uses gloves, and ride while holding as close as possible to the stem 99.9%of the time?? why dont they use flat bars or bullhorns instead?

'Hot Karl' Jefferson XXIV said...

I have just received a U. S. patent on the term, usage, technique and intellectual rendering of 'Hot Karl'. Any further reference to or even the merest thoughts of 'Hot Karl' will be dealt with severley and post haste by my team of lawyers, attorneys, assorted hired hipster steroid abusers and compliant crank zombies.

Anonymous said...

8/8 I rule!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Snob, you so funny, man, it blow my mind. U B like the hippest hipster makin funna hipsters in the whole damn' worl!

bikesgonewild said...

...in my best andy rooney voice...

..."...do you ever wonder if karl malden's wife used to call him hot karl when they were having sex ???...with all this talk about 'hot karl's' these days, i certainly wonder..."...

..."...well, i'll see you next week...ohhh, wait, i guess i won't but you have a good night anyway"...

ce said...

:) ...incase that wasn't obvious. But seriously, get that poor mutt a monkey.

ce said...

In case

leroy said...

My dog has been singing "everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey" all weekend.

At least I know when he's drafting.

Bob said...

i dont know if you've seen it, its related to the car branded bike post

http://vimeo.com/29375973

bikesgonewild said...

...monkey see...

...doggie doo...

cooch said...

No mention of the unveiling of the Giro d'Italia 2012, the most difficult bike race in the world in the most beautiful country in the world. WTF!

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Fixie Bikes said...

I'm sure those prizes did fine!