Thursday, October 13, 2011

Branded: It's a Car...It's a Bike...It's...Superfluous!

We've had a lot of laughs here over the years. However, in my unrelenting quest for humor I'm afraid I may have finally gone too far. Further to yesterday's post, a commenter informs me that I may have hurt Gwyneth Paltrow's feelings:

Bike Snob STL said...

Really snob? Its easy enough to find real bike dorks to make fun of, but not having cleats on your shoes while on a movie set? Some wardrobe person gave them to you and said to put them on. I thought you were cynical, now I realize you just like to be an asshole. You're petty - a lot like the people you like to condem.

October 13, 2011 10:02 AM

First of all, it's not "condem," it's "condom." Second of all, yes, you're right, it was awful of me to post a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow in cleatless bike shoes that already appeared in a major publication and then not say anything particularly mean about her. Furthermore, Gwyneth Paltrow is a wildly successful person coveted around the world for her talent and beauty, so I'm sure my failing to either actively insult her or else draw an ejaculating penis on her face like Perez Hilton would have hurt her deeply. Given all this, I regret deeply having tried to "condom" her--an activity reserved exclusively for that guy from that band Clodplay.

Nevertheless, I do reserve the right to make fun of that Serotta with the aero bars:

While all the other bystanders were ogling Ms. Paltrow, three or four dentists were drooling so heavily over the Serotta that they had to break out one of those saliva vacuums.

Speaking of Serotta, the name may have cachet, but it's nothing compared to the prestige of owning a bicycle branded by car company:

Yes, according to the article, car-branded bicycles make "solid sense:"

From a marketing standpoint, a car company selling a branded bicycle makes solid sense. If you’re into four-wheeled fun, there’s a good chance two wheels also light your fire. And for anyone aspiring to own a Mercedes-Benz or other exotic car, a bike’s a nice way to get a Three-Pointed Star or Land Rover in the garage at a fraction of the cost.

But don’t dismiss all auto-bikes as mere sales tools. These days, companies as different as Ford and Ferrari are selling bicycles that offer consumers cutting edge products that won’t embarrass you at the next latte-fueled gathering of road warriors.


Amazingly, there is almost nothing in the above two paragraphs that is even remotely true. I can imagine someone who longs to own a Land Rover but can't afford one might eventually wind up with a cheaper SUV. I cannot imagine this same person saying, "You know what? I'll just go for one of these instead:"

Big luxury truck, crabon road bike...same difference, right?

And as for the part about these bikes being "cutting edge products that won’t embarrass you at the next latte-fueled gathering of road warriors," I doubt even the Fredliest of Freds would be impressed by this:

Colnago has been hawking Ferrari "collabos" for ages, and as the Colnago marque becomes increasingly irrelevant (most hardcore roadies prefer Polnagos now) it would appear that they've finally decided to give up altogether and embrace the growing expensive-road-bike-with-flat-bars trend.

But not all car company bikes are meant to evoke speed and sweatpants. Some, like Ford's rolling clothes hanger, are all about marrying cutting-edge technology to almost total uselessness:

This is because, like most American auto companies, their entire understanding of cycling consists of watching the occasional Walmart mountain bike roll by on the sidewalk. "Let's make one of those, only really expensive," you can practically hear the designer saying to the intern who actually came up with this.

Of course, some of these carbikes do have legitimate racing pedigrees, such as the Specialized S-Wanks McLaren Venge Schmenge:

If you're a cycling fan, you may remember this as the bicycle aboard which Matthew Goss won this year's Milan-San Remo. Or, if you're more of a tech geek, you probably recall it's the bike that made the guy from Bike Hugger so excited that he left a substantial "deposit" in his bib shorts.

However, there were some glaring omissions from this story, chief among them being that Parlee Prius "collabo" bike you shift with your mind:

The entire project played itself out on Prolly's Purple Bikey Blog in "Crying Game" fashion, only the "big reveal" was brain shifting instead of a penis. The bike is certainly minimalist. The rider, however, is not, since he has to wear sensors on his head and some kind of wiring harness thingy on his back:

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain--or, in this case, the hump on the rider's back.

This, of course, opened the door for other shift-by-thought designs, such as a bicycle that shifted by means of sexual arousal. The prototype was a simple three-speed design, and the shifting was actuated by sensors that monitored the girth of the rider's erection. Here was the "granny:"

Here was the "middle ring:"


And here was the "big ring:"


All you did was think about one of these images in order to determine your gearing, and a boldly futuristic handlebar display then confirmed your choice:

On the plus side, the system had the potential to transform ride reports forever, and would doubtless have led to thousands of people boasting about how they cleaned that super-technical climb while remaining in their "recumbabe." However, there were also a number of shortcomings (so to speak). Firstly, the system was male-only. Secondly, the arousal scale needed to be painstakingly calibrated for each individual rider, taking into account not only the size of the endowment but also what the rider found arousing. For example, certain riders found the "granny" image more arousing than the "big ring" one, which had the unforeseen effect of transforming the system from "high normal" to "rapid rise."

Of course, if you're too lazy to shift you might just want to consider leaving the riding to someone else. For example, a reader recently forwarded me the following "Groupon" offer, in which you can have someone schlep you around Portland in a pedicab while you get wine-drunk:

Now you can be smug and pretentious.

122 comments:

GhostOfTyrone said...

Podium?

Blog Drafter said...

1st!

Anonymous said...

whoopee deeee

Anonymous said...

sohooo 3rd

Blog Drafter said...

or 2nd!

Gweneth said...

Where's Mark?

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Blog drafter said...

Wow, quick dudes in here.

Anonymous said...

woah

No Purpose said...

1800 Comments?

And recumbabe is back!

Spokey said...

FINALLY!

Anonymous said...

Cain

Anonymous said...

High Normal!!!!!! Rapid Rise!!!!!!!
HA
HA
HA

GhostOfTyrone said...

Perhaps Bike Snob STL meant to call you "pretty"...

TheTye said...

0CBN WINE

hillbilly said...

dont you mean "3 out of 4" dentists? hahahahah

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty; and I read it!

Perrico Delgado said...

That's pretty cool and cool.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Clodplay?...you're so mean!

crosspalms said...

You know, I used to think you were funny until you wrote "Clodplay," and then I realized you're just---

OUCH! Brain accidentally shifted into some humorless commenter. I'd better take some aspirin. And rewire the lump on my back.

Casual Squirrel said...

Casual Squirrels says:

Damn, what I would do to be that saddle. In other news, the saddle seems a bit low (again, not a problem for me if I get to do saddle duty). The aeros are SO CRUCIAL BRO. The way you know that they belong is by judging the lady's firm grasp of the brake levers...

Anonymous said...

Rode a Land Rover bike once, cheap and heavy. Overpriced, probably.

hey nonny mouse

(it's older than a Kingswood)

Perrico Delgado said...

I'm sure it's the same everywhere but around here, GMC Denalibikes are as common as people on the dole

Paul Bowen said...

If anyone's "aspiring to own a Mercedes-Benz", a "nice way to get a Three-Pointed Star in the garage at a fraction of the cost" is to buy at the bottom of the depreciation curve. Our 20-year-old 300TE cost us £1k and it's a fabulous car still. I think you'd be looking at her for a while before you thought the word "exotic" though, bless her.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Too bad the DeLorean Motor Company was so shortlived. Sigh, Oh what could have been.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

...Deeplocal teamed up with Saatchi & Saatchi, Parlee Cycles, and Toyota...

Christ, Saatchi & Saatchi is an ADVERTISING Agency.

Sheesh.

Mason said...

If actors can spend a year learning the rudiments of karate or boxing or guitar for a role, I'm pretty certain they could spend twenty minutes learning how to use a pair of cleats.

Anonymous Coward said...

Forget this Land Rover bike business. Maserati is the way to go. Both vintage and exotic.

Paul Bowen said...

That handlebar display punched me right in the laugh box, excellent.

Anonymous said...

Gwenny, recumbabe and now big ring blond all in just two posts. Snobby! I just left a "deposit" on my keyboard. How do I 'splain this to IT?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Mason,
the problem is that they ask for the same year whether it is learning to play chopsticks, put a baseball mitt on their hands, stand next to a surf board or walk around in shoes with cleats on them.

Anonymous said...

More gwyneth paltrow or ima gonna kill you

Anonymous said...

Snob, stop hurting people's -and corporation's, inanimate objects'- feelings, or ima not gonna read your snobbery anymore.

Anonymous said...

Crabon-less post today!

Anonymous said...

Snob is one fire! One of his funnier post as of late...

BRB FTW!

Larry King said...

Wildcat Rock Machine, you are such a mean bastard! You keep hurting my feelings for the sake of a few laughs. If I still had a TV show, I'd trick you into appearing so I could do to you what I did to Jermaine Jackson. Let you see up close and personal how a real mean old bastard does it. Poser.

crosspalms said...

There's a natural marketing opportunity for a Mercedes-Bent.

Smugly pretentious or pretentiously smug said...

First of all, it's not "condom," it's "condone."

Anonymous said...

..."featherweight 5.5-lb frame"

hmmnn, how much milk is that?

CRAP BIKE

Anonymous said...

@Snuggly

Ya think?

Anonymous said...

I Clicked, I read, I snickered.

Thanks for that. Snub.

Anonymous said...

You can find the antelope taking out the mtn biker on weather.com. The antelope definitely had bad intentions.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

I had me one of those gaspipe Maseratis. It was laterally cheap and vertically heavy.

g said...

I've been reading this blog pretty much daily since 2008 and I have to say, WRM is just as much an mean SOB as he has ever been. He didn't change, there's some new "kinder/gentler" commenter here. It reminds me of the guy who asked Snob not to swear because he liked to read the blog to his kids at dinner time.
Fucking cry babies.

Anonymous said...

@ g-

I know, right?!

HAWT GWEN said...

popular search engine
Larry King Helmet
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GWYN? said...

Clues are free and easily found on popular search engines, HAWT GWEN.

Tempeh said...

Product Placement

State

Matt said...

I wonder if those Land Rover bikes leak oil all over the garage floor.

Anonymous said...

Gwyneth Paltrow: no tits, no cleats

Anonymous said...

Yeah - if mediocrity is what you are striving for, those 70s Maseratis are what you want be be buying.

cycle
(repaired them in the day)

Rocky Mountain Chuck said...

I saw one of those BMW-branded bikes at the dealership. Mediocre components and uninspiring design at a highly inflated price.

Just like the cars.

Boom! Thank you folks, I'll be here all week.

Vegas said...

Well said, g.

JB said...

Hey Anon at 2:37: "big ring blond" is Gwenny. [DumDumDummmm]

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What's all this talk about a mountain bike riding antelope? I saw a bear riding a bike at a circus one time.

lob said...

AYHCSMC*


*All You Haters Can Suck My Cephalothorax

Angostura Bitters said...

I don't normally post to this blog, but when i do, it means it was really funny.

bikesgonewild said...

...google is presently being an idiot...

Bike Snob STL said...

A 200 word retort to lead off today's BSNYC post...

Now that's podium bitches!

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

For some reason, I can believe you counted the words.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how Liam Gallagher felt about Ruffalo stink fingering his wife?

ploeg said...

Yeah, but you really haven't arrived until you get yourself a John Deere bicycle.

grog said...

Gwenny lost in outer ring.
Babe the rescuesse.
In search of some larry king.
It's...Superfluous!

Anonymous said...

That Ford bicycle...... Why?????????

Bike Snob STL said...

Burt, Word has a word count function. Since you are a steel fan, you are probably use Word Perfect on your Commodore 64.

And don't bother replying to my reply of your reply. I'm a Cat 6 blog commenter and always get the last word.

JB said...

BikeSnobSTL: That wasn't so much a retort, as a skewering. Congratulations. How wonderful for you.

Dr Spooner said...

@Anonymous said..."Gwyneth Paltrow: no tits, no cleats".
Goodness, I read that as "no teats and no clits". Perish the thought.

Charlie Didrickson said...

wine-drunk

OBA said...

The only bike & car "collabo" ever worth a damn was the Moulton APB w/ a Land Rover decal on it...

http://www.moultonbuzz.com/2009/09/moulton-land-rover-apb/

Buy-cycle said...

Really snoby? Its easy enough to find real bike dorks to make fun of, but not the Serotta with the aero bars! I thought you were cylindrical, now I realize you just like to be obtuse. You're pretty - a lot like the people you like to condom.

RB1 said...

What hump ?

J Mertz said...

Gosh Snob, I did not know your name was DAILY MAIL REPORTER...now that I know this every time I see an article in that shit rag with these credits I know where to send the hate mail.

Etherhuffer said...

I had a Huffy that came with a Rambler Ambassador. They threw in a free condom with a hole in it. Not that anyone driving a Rambler would ever need a condom.

Bill Smith said...

Was that the same kind of hump George Bush had behind his back? http://www.visualfuturist.com/bushiswired/

sufferist said...

dorm cali brute maliform ad unitard.

bikesgonewild said...

...buy-cycle sez -"...now I realize you just like to be obtuse. You're pretty - a lot like the people you like to condom..."

...please, buy-cycle, keep your sexual proclivities to yourself, sir...

...this is a bicycle blog...'...not that there's anything wrong with that..."...

bikesgonewild said...

...why is google playing games with me today ???...

bikesgonewild said...

...okay, "ask & ye shall receive..."...

...we seem to have cleared the problem...

...thanx to the google-god...

Gwineth Paltrow said...

Whereth my Helmeth??? Hath anyone stheen my helmeth???

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...i've been 'smug & pretentious' for a long time...

..it had nothing to do with portland or the fact that i ride a serotta...

...& while my other bikes may add up to '...fluous...', none of them are superfluous...

...just sayin'...

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

STL:

Duh. The fact you took the trouble to use a feature of a word processor so you'd have a word count says it all.

And of course you always have the last word. Fits yer "personality" type.

I'd be riding horses if they'd let me said...

W.R.M., I am frightened by much of what I have read today. Should I throw away my bicycle?

Anonymous said...

STL = full douche.

Or 14 yr old in daddy's office using his comprooter. In which case he's excused.

Bike Snob Punkin Center said...

If the pattern holds, we should be seeing a lot of that photo of Gwyneth "Big Ring" Paltrow in the future. Yum! Just don't skimp on the Recumbabe, though, W.R.M. You have gotten us hooked.

Cash McDouche' DDS said...

I just bought the Look bike that Greg LeMond rode when he won the 1986 Tour de France.

It was a steal at $43,999.99. And the seller, Vito, gave me a certificate of authentiticity.

Who would have thought that a chimp would own LeMond's former main ride?

Anonymous said...

Maseratis; see also Citroen SMs and their fragile sodium-filled valves.....but yes.....

However, there was a lovely scruffy Birdcage for sale at Retromobile a few years ago. I couldn't have bought a wheel, let alone the car.

Coldplay (and Clodplay) are dull and soporific.

hey nonny mouse

leroy said...

Note to self -- remake of "Leave Brittany Alone" Youtube video starring STL defending Gwyenth would be box office gold.

Gotta get kickstarter page and sign up investors.

Anonymous said...

Wildcat Rock Machine is horny!

Anonymous said...

Thumbs up Gwyneth!
No panties = no panty lines

What was that blah blah blah that Bike Gone Recumbent was saying about not screwing sexy, but wanting to lay a knot hole in a 2 x 4?

Anonymous said...

Its not "condone", it's "cornpone".

Marcel Da Chump said...

Just for the record, if you want to torture me--force me to listen to Clodplay.

Abnre said...

As a cycling Fan, it was amazing that i saw that bicycle aboard which Matthew Goss won this year's Milan-San Remo.!!!

Biking now a days is one of those things that don't contribute yo pollution so have one bike at home or if you don't, take some rental for trial and exercise! http://www.crumblrr.com/

self-obsessed and sexee said...

What the fuck is that?!
Gwyneth! I remember you in your Dalton years!
A doe-eyed, blonde beanpole of a babe.
You've filled out those thighs nicely, sugar.

A Very Minor Poet said...

It's not Condom,
nor Condone,
nor Cornpone.
It's not Clodplay.
It's "I'd lick the Corn out of her S**t any day!"

David Henderson said...

I'm shocked to not see a comment from Quick Hurt McSquirt, saying that he would hit it.

I once rode a bicycle without cleats. Shockingly, it's completely possible.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'd like to special order my boldly futuristic handle bar as is except please change out the Larry King indicator with the Portland Lei girl.

I can't believe no one has said...

It would be incredibly stupid to risk having your star fall and get a big old strawberry because a cleat didn't release or she didn't have the reflex down.

Sarah said...

"For example, certain riders found the "granny" image more arousing than the "big ring" one, which had the unforeseen effect of transforming the system from "high normal" to "rapid rise."

GOLD

perthcyclist said...

The car-bikes are usually the ugliest bikes created.

Anonymous said...

100th... this is pathetic

An Old Fogey said...

Etherhuffer @4:44

You must of had a later model of the Rambler Ambassador. The first model (1958) and it's predecessors the Nash Ambassador were all vehicles loved by the crowd that lived to go to the local drive in theater.

If you don't remember the early Ambassadors, they all had front seats that fully laid down level with the back seats. Quite simply with a pull of a level your car seats became a bed.

Nine months after a trip to the local drive in together in an Ambassador was the birth date of many a person born in the late 50's and the early 60's.

Now as for not having a chance if you ride a Huffy, ask GM about that.

JDH said...

Grant Peterson took my cleats.

Nogocyclist said...

Anonymous at 10:04

100 comments is not pathetic.

This amount of comments is pathetic!

Nogocyclist said...

Blog Drafter and somebody who kept using different names ran the comment section way up, just so there could be podiums at the page changes.

JDH said...

For Sale. One podium. Used. 555-BLOG DRFT

Anonymous said...

"Big Ring Gwyneth" is hot!!!

Anonymous said...

Buck Snob SA

LK said...

Mastercard!

Anonymous said...

I gather the same, or some other "wardrobe person" was also responsible for placing the sweat patches under Gwyneth's arms.

How does groupon work said...

It is a nice blog about marketing standpoint, a car company selling a branded bicycle makes solid sense. This blog is really workout in my How does groupon work business.

ce said...

Big Ring Blonde, I'm talking at least 61T here

ce said...

David Byrne owns a Range Rover bike.

ce said...

Sure, the girls driving past do smirk, but it has more do do with his plaid pyjamas.

JB said...

According to his credit card statement, DByrne buys a Range Rover bike on the 5th of each month. Or, at least he sends $847.23 to them each month for something.

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Fixie Bikes said...

You have some nerve messing with her, posting pictures of a celebrity? who would do such a thing?

road bikes said...

great post