Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Vibing Hard: Keeping it Positive

Hey guys! So stoked to be here, and super stoked on bikes and riding bikes and all the great people and stuff it involves. That's because biking (pronounced "bi-keeen") is awesome. Some things do bum me out though, like when I check my Twitter feed for more positive vibes and then see a negative "Tweet" like this:

So, like, I'm a positive person? The kind of person who phrases statements as questions? And who calls cycling "bi-keen?" So maybe that's why I don't understand how a video could make you hate bicycles? Especially when the video is totally positive and awesome, because I totally watched it and it totally made me even more stoked on bi-keen than I already am:



From the opening line, I knew I'd love this video:

"San Francisco loves biking."

Wait, you guys love biking? So do I! And when I say I love it, I mean I really love it. I also love awesome "B-roll," like rent-a-bike tourists throwing "doucheclamation points:"

We've all heard the saying, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." It's falsely attributed to Mark Twain, but it was actually a bon mot uttered by insane Ugandan president Idi Amin during one of his lavish cannibalistic banquets. And when Idi Amin quipped, you laughed. And when he claimed he was Mark Twain, you agreed with him. Or else.

Well, the longest ride I ever took was a trip across the Golden Gate Bridge, when I had to trudge my way through wave after wave of rental bike tourist, like some character in an absurd action movie who must single-handedly fight off an entire attacking army. This bridge is, of course, famous for its suicides, and during my fool's errand I came to understand why, for I very nearly gave up all hope and took the plunge into the icy waters below. In fact, one of the rental bike tourists actually stopped to take my picture as I sobbed, since spotting a jumper on the Golden Gate Bridge is like seeing the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace, or witnessing a good old-fashioned dirty raincoat masturbator on the New York City subway.

But I pulled myself together, and steeled my nerve, and girded my loins (good thing I had that dirty raincoat with me), and eventually made it across. I'm sure if you'd spotted me I would have looked like this woman, also a "B-roll" extra in the above video, who appears to be fighting a gale force wind:

Oddly though nobody else seems to be affected. Perhaps she's the victim of a curse which causes her to be buffeted by wind at all times, no matter where she is. You can't help feeling bad for her when you see her fighting her way out of one of those fancy coffee houses on Valencia in her slicker, like she's Mark Wahlberg in "The Perfect Storm," and she spills her latte all over herself like she does each and every morning. The whole thing's just so tragically Sisyphean.

Of everyone in this video though I related the most to the Duder with a Fam:

(Duder with a Fam makes a "duderclamation point.")

Duder with a Fam is just a duder with a fam, and he open-hand-points towards a glorious and duderly future.

By the way, "duder" is just the word "dude" with a douchefier suffix, but if you look it up in the Urban Dictionary, you'll see that this is also one of the definitions:

I can emphatically state that, in using the word "duder," I in no way meant to evoke anything even remotely like the above. Where does a duder even come up with something like that, anyway?

Anyway, being a positive person who's stoked on bi-keeen and all, I also like to support grass-roots efforts to create cycling-related projects that are charming but also, by and large, useless--provided, of course, that they're positive ("positive" oftentimes being something of a euphemism for "useless"). And what could be more positive than a shirt thanking drivers for not hitting you?



Actually, it's super positive:

Thank You for Seeing Me is a message for all of us who share the road. Through a positive exchange of gratitude our goal is simple. TYFSM acknowledges you with a kind reward…a “Thank You” has the potential to go a lot further than a criticism or demand to be seen.

I do sincerely believe that all commuters--cyclists, drivers, ElliptiGOers--should strive to raise their consciousnesses and learn to coexist peacefully and harmoniously. However, I personally draw the line at thanking complete strangers for doing something that is a fundamental human requirement, which is to watch where the fuck they're going. Thanking people is a social gratuity, so by thanking them for seeing us we're effectively implying that they've done something extra-special. This in turn lowers our social standards as to what is indeed fundamental and basic behavior. It's like tipping them for poor service. If we start thanking people for seeing us, what's next? "Thank you for not shooting me?" "Thank you for not spitting on me?" "Thank you for not cooking and eating me, Mr. Amin?" If a driver pulls up next to me at a light and offers me a Snapple, maybe I'll thank him. But I'll thank him for seeing me just as soon as he thanks me for not urinating in his gas tank.

Marginally more practical is this handmade (or duder-made) decorative bike-hanging box:


Though I'm not sure I really needed to know any of this:

Also, I moved in with the girlfriend a few months ago and lost my wood shop. So, I have been working in the second bedroom next to the kitchen. I think it is pretty convenient being close to the kitchen, but she does not see it that way, so I was thinking of renting a garage spot. Plus, my time is very limited in there if the neighbors are home, due to noise.

Just say you need to rent a new workspace, the rest is what they call "TMI."

Speaking of TMI, there's also a similar condition known as "TMD," or "Too Many Drawings," which is what will inevitably come out of this project:


Basically, the artist is going to spend a year riding across the country and making drawings of the trip. Sounds like fun, but why should you support him? Because it's actually a poignant commentary about the fallacy of the "American Dream:"

The conventional ‘American Dream’ isn’t working right now. Hard work alone doesn’t guarantee prosperity with the current unemployment rates. I’ve been barely scraping by since I graduated with my MFA.

What kind of sick, topsy-turvy times are these when you can't automatically strike it rich with an MFA? Surely the American Dream is dead. I 'member back in the days when a feller [old-timey variant of "duder"] could leave school with an MFA and get hisself a job just about anywheres. All's a man needed in them days was a strong back, some fire in his belly, and a demonstrable proficiency in an artistic medium such as painting, drawing, photography or sculpture. Hell, when I left the navy I brung my portfolio straight to the nearest iron works. Foreman said he hadn't seen anything so moving since the German expressionists, and I was pulling in a six-figure salary within a fortnight. I guess them days is gone, this Obammer feller's gonna be the ruination of America, mark my words.

Yes, the times they are a-changing. In fact, they're a-changing so fast that a reader informs me tiny houses are already "out," and narrow houses are now "in:"

He's definitely going to need one of those bike-hanging boxes.

119 comments:

Amy said...

First, again?

Ross said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dcdouglas said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

winner

Amy said...

I'm definitely pro-vibing.

Anonymous said...

I win! Anonymously!

Anonymous said...

In fact...I lose! Anonymously. Mavis Beacon here I come.

Anonymous said...

Seventh!!!!!!!!!!

cycle

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

nice work Amy

Anonymous said...

Top 11!

ant1 said...

speaking of b roll (not to be confused with bob roll)

Neil said...

The dude abides.

A Dude said...

An expression of gratitude and thanks goes further than demands to to be seen? Please tell lesbians this.

crosspalms said...

I'll never look at pancakes the same way again.

ant1 said...

snobby - "What kind of sick times when you can't automatically strike it rich with an MFA?"

Anonymous said...

What about narrow tiny houses? You could put tiny wheels on it and tow it around like a caravan; after all, you only have ten (or however many it was) things in it.

hey nonny mouse

mikeweb said...

I think the t-shirt lady hit the Wednesday weed while the video within the video was playing.

Amy officially and securely in the maillot meh right now!

Anonymous said...

hé hé hé

crosspalms said...

@ant1

+1 on the b roll

ant1 said...

and speaking of "meh", i saw its best use ever today at the podium cafe: "meh-rde"

Anonymous said...

I take it that when you were slaying the GGB you were a tourist on a loaner bike as opposed to a tourist on a rental. burn.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My wife and I been married for nearly twenty years.

She still makes me pancakes.

I'm a lucky feller.

ken e. said...

"positivity is positive"

The Dude said...

Man, Maude made me pancakes like three times last night.

Oh, and I still hate the fucking Eagles!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:23pm,

I was a tourist on my own bike, and in my defense despite being a tourist at no point did I almost crash into anybody while attempting to take a photograph like all my rental bike counterparts were doing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

"What kind of sick, topsy-turvy times are these when you can't automatically strike it rich with an MFA?"

Snob is on fire as of late.

xyxax said...

I like that the duder spawn (the brooder?) are in down coats on a nice sunny day.


@ant1

Thank you for seeing "meh".
Your t-shirt is in the mail.

GhostOfTyrone said...

I'm thinking the Urban Dictionary folks are confusing the "Duder" with the "Badger" from The Big LeMondski.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Duder like a lady.

Rocky Mountain Chuck said...

First, nobody wants to listen to a Jeff Spicoli soundalike. They want the real thing.

Second, it's "Oddly though nobody else seems to be AFFECTED"

I mean, dude, WTF?

Duder said...

Mr. Snob - I will be Out of Office the next 2 days.
Will you kindly refrain from blogulating during that time, so as to not missing me reading your bloggular posting missives ?

Thanks to you in advance,
Duder

g said...

Duder? I don't even know her.

Anonymous said...

Is there a female equivalent for a "duder"?

Anonymous said...

So now Eric is realizing just how fucking USELESS his art school education really is...

Fucker can't draw!!!

Etherhuffer said...

Gale force wind or taintal chafing? Either can result in a CAT 6 grimace.

Evan Watkins said...

Narrow houses look strangely like those mythical "apartments" you were talking about the other day.

ringcycles said...

Hi-Viz yellow slicker lady is likely just a victim of a botched face lift. Sisyphean curses are only an absurd urban myth, at least that's what Al Camus told me.

Anonymous said...

Not in the running, but early enough to see the typos then see them corrected. One remains, that I saw: "And when Idi Amin, quipped, you laughed."

Idi Amin said...

Ima fuckin kill ya!

RUIN ATOR said...

"...this Obammer feller's gonna be [the?] ruination of America"

I think you need an article in there.


Keep on wildcattin', rockin','n' machinin'!

Chazu said...

Camus died in a car accident. Good thing he wasn't on a bike though, because that is really dangerous.

Anonymous said...

Kat Fowler wants cyclists to get doored. judging from the video.

Anonymous said...

I don't think that that fellow got his MFA in drawing by the looks of his. What a cheapskate too, no biking equipment or clothes? Parents must have shut the wallet on him now he needs the support of strangers.

Terre Haute Karl said...

why is the narrow house on stilts?

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, I would like to add that Amy is loser.

Teemac said...

Going down that narrowhouse ladder to take a pee in the middle of the night would totally suck.

I am an amazed engine said...

PLEDGE $100 OR MORE
I will draw your portrait (9"x12") and mail it to you

1 BACKER • Survey sent 08/26/10

Sounds like a deal, 100 bucks to get a portrait from a duder with a MFA.

Are you fucking serious, it must be his mom.

The american dream is alive, and fucking the world on Kickstarter.

crosspalms said...

So the progression is bi-curious, bi-keen, bi?

bikesgonewild said...

...drank a cup of hot chocolate before bed last night & woke up to a 'swiss movement'...

...just thought i'd share...

petrus said...

Dude.

petrus said...

51st!

petrus said...

and 53rd...

petrus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
petrus said...

This post has been added by the author.

Anonymous said...

Riding > Cycling > Biking

bikesgonewild said...

...btw, the golden gate bridge district is doing work for several more months on the western walkway, which is considered to be the bicycle lane & with everyone now channeled onto the eastern walkway, good times are guaranteed to be had by all...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 1:43,
the female equivalent for a "duder" is "the girlfriend"-- just ask that Kickstarter carpenter guy.

ervgopwr said...

The Duder(vgopwr) abides.

jno62 said...

"hat kind of sick, topsy-turvy times are these when you can't automatically strike it rich with an MFA?"

Nearly spit coke all over my computer screen.

Brilliant.

Thanks Snob.

Udder said...

Art director to props person on the San Francisco shoot: "Just grab any bike, even a racing bike, and let the black chick hold onto it for the shot. No one will know that she would never ride this, especially with a dress on."

Anonymous said...

Nothing like pancakes after a good chain cleaning,,

bikesgonewild said...

...marcel da chump...ya mean she sticks her fingers up his nostrils to guide him while he's licking her 'tender vittels ???'...

..."alright, little carpenter boy, you're getting better at that...practice, practice, practice...now go make momma some pancakes..."...

mikeweb said...

That narrow house reminds me of the shape of things to come.

Jim Miller said...

It's San Francisco...of course they would be "bi-keen" or at least "bi-curious"

G., Costanza said...

I like my pancakes during my chain cleaning. Throw in some TV too. That's what I call a trifecta!

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...nice touch, mikeweb...deft hand...the architectural & motoring equivalent of 'the wedgie'...

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

... speaking of the oil & water mix of cyclists & pedestrians on the golden gate bridge... ...

Bowling Centre Cowboy Philosopher said...

Sometimes ya get the bar

And sometimes the bar get you

Buurrrpppp!!!!!!

pfffffsssssttttt* ... drip .... splattt

(*sasparilla induced flautulence)

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd! (

nice try 53rd petrus)

Idi Amin
pancakes
"strike it rich w mfa"

hilarious! work harder!

mikeweb said...

@bgw,

Thanks!

So if good artists create and great artists steal, what do non-Roarkian architects do?

Marcel Da Chump said...

bgw,
thanks for elaborating.
My eyes are still teary
from laughter.

leroy said...

Oh great, now my dog has been singing all afternoon:

I see you driving 'round town
You don't see my bike and I'm like,
Thank you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the gold chain on my sprocket
Wasn't enough I'm like,
Thank you!
And bless you too!
I said, if I was richer, you’d want my picture
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although you’d park on my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Thank you!
Oo, oo, ooo


I wouldn't mind it so much if he could carry a tune.

crosspalms said...

@Mikeweb
One shot in that spot makes it look like a platypus

Anonymous said...

@Terre Haute Karl. The house isn't on stilts. It's on an ironing board.

I think I know why gale force gal is struggling...one foot is in the cage, the other isn't. You'll know her by the yellow poncho and the sparks she's kicking up with each crank turn.

Self-obsessed and Sexee said...

You didn't have to door me
like you did, but you did. Yes you did.


And I spank you.

leroy said...

I want to thank you
For lettin' me
Splay myself again.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...jeez, an ayn rand/fountainhead/howard roark literary reference...

...you, sir are approaching new levels of obscure esoterica, at least here on bsnyc/rtms/wcrm & perhaps particularly more so in this day & age...

...& not that i was allowed much free reign but years ago i did architectural drafting on cad...

...previous to that i led a 'howard roarkian' lifestyle as an artist...meaning essentially that i was good but i starved...

..."good artists create, great artists steal..."...good quote...

...whew, flashes from the past...now, what was the question ???...

Anonymous said...

although the foutainhead wasn't too bad, Ayn Rand su-ucks. Her followers suck even more though. no more evidence needed than that douche ron paul named his even more douchey son after her.

John Galt said...

What about me?

Idi Amin said...

Snob- i used to think your blog was funny, but now that you are lampooning me i think you are rather mean, generally.

also, ima fucking kill you.

Skink said...

Thank you for being a fred.

crosspalms said...

I think she shortened her name from Ayn Krugerrand.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Where the fuck does the 56" flat panel go?! Architects is soo stoopid.

Anonymous said...

I respectfully disagree with the last paragraph. Houses are "out", trailers are "in".
Keep on truckin'

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

I'm "in" a trailer.

Anonymous said...

Ooooh. Hipster high road disaster. Fixie chick barreling down on the Williamsburg side, where they've been doing construction for WEEKS, hits the front brake (at least she had one....I guess) too hard. Endo time! Face plant. Sorry she got messed up, but once again: commuter racing is stupid. And having a fixie as a fashion accessory to be cool that you don't know how to control: even more stupid.

Just lame b/c now the workers are scared of out-of-control cyclists and are making everybody DISMOUNT and walk those 15' or so. Fixie douche bag fuck faces.

crosspalms said...

@Nebraska Bike Commuter,
You could put it on the floor at the base of the stairs, or you could mount it on the ceiling above the bed. It'd have to be sideways, which means either getting a crick in your neck while looking down the stairs at it, or lying across the bed with your legs up the wall. That's the position I'd choose, although it'd make eating popcorn and drinking beer a messy proposition.

Charlie Didrickson said...

Narrow House = Pool Rack on a Ironing Board.

You're on my left!

Anonymous said...

The San Francisco Bicycle Coalition (video) are a bunch of wankers. The city's planning department is quite competent, they've laid out a good, pragmatic network of bike lanes.

The Bicycle Coalition are the un-professionals. Not many of them have any real biking experience, and none what-so-ever in traffic design, but they make up for that in volume. They insist on a bunch of silly things: side-by-side bike lanes, colored lanes - essentially bollixing the process with their incessant demand of curly-cues. Also, feel good videos.

That's why we now have tea-baggers.

extry syrup said...

there is no hole in a bowling ball for your "pointy" finger. (hence the low avg scores on the urbandictionaryite league)

whether there's one in your sex-partners face is up to her/him.

wp

Kelly said...

SF has to "repaint" the bike lanes down Market because the painted lanes are too slick in the rain. A very expensive special mix of paint has to be made. Another Kickstart campaign in the making.

Is Kickstart for Junior Achievement rejects?

Anonymous said...

duder with a fam!

Anonymous said...

I always wanted to have a pancake made by Maude.

But she said no multiple times.

Lucky you, The Dude.

Men Sniffing Cleaning Solvents said...

Livin' in a land down under, (underrrr)
Where women glow and men Cadelunder,
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? (oooo da da laa yeahhh!)
Then I run, then I take cover.

Anonymous said...

Funkadelic or Magazine, Leroy?

And Mikeweb, I'd managed to purge my memory of the bloody TR7....

hey nonny mouse

DIMcyclist said...

The narrow house... it's like a tampon for your city's ass-crack.

Or maybe another lame excuse to saw down your handlebars just a weeee bit more...

Anonymous said...

5:24

I object.

We are really, really great.

Winner's Blues said...

Men Sniffing Cleanining Solvents,

the line is actually:

WHILST WOMEN GLOW, CADEL SLUMBERS

3G said...

Thanking people is a social gratuity, so by thanking them for seeing us we're effectively implying that they've done something extra-special

spot on.

Men Huffing PAM said...

8:16PM

(oooo da da laa yeahhh!)

Narrow House said...

Hey now , HEY NOW.

Don't dream it's over.

JDH said...

Damn you Amy! I go nothin'. Again.

JDH said...

GOT

Outdoor Sports Flooring said...

I think I know why gale force gal is struggling...one foot is in the cage, the other isn't. You'll know her by the yellow poncho and the sparks she's kicking up with each crank turn.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for both not shooting me and posting this.

libertyonbikes! said...

Thank you for not peeing in my gas tank...

Perfect analogy for those drivers that think they're doing me a favor by not hitting me, today.

Thanks!

bikesgonewild said...

...dimcyclist @ 8:11pm...

...oh great...i just get a system of mirrors set up so my girlfriend & i can watch the goddam 56" flat screen (if we both lie near the end of the bed (((bed, it's a narrow little fucking pallet))) & both hold 8" round hand mirrors at just the right angle, we can both see different parts of about half of those 56 inches) & then the bitch puts the goddam end of her fixie handlebar through the screen...

...i've told her time & time again "baby, cut those fucking things down if you're gonna live with me...14 " bars are just too wide for this place" but does she listen ???...not fucking likely...she never listens...

...there better be some action around here & it better end up with me getting some fucking pancakes, or there's gonna be a few changes in this narrow little wedge...

...just sayin'...

Aunt Jemima said...

I'll bet ol Angry Dragon calls his house the International House of Pancakes

Jessup said...

ooga booga!

ce said...

yay bikes

Uncle Jethro said...

Yeah, I'm the man to whom Jemima

feeds those pancakes.

That's right...to whom.

D said...

"However, I personally draw the line at thanking complete strangers for doing something that is a fundamental human requirement..."

You wouldn't last 5 minutes in Tokyo, where people feel the must thank drivers for stopping at crosswalks and not running them down and killing them. I once thought that was strange, but after a decade of near death experiences, when I do get the courage to cross a crosswalk in front of a car, I always nod a thanks.

stupahead said...

as someone who has ridden across the GG Bridge, you may be interested to know that the local Transport authorities have seen fit to close the west side of the bridge altogether for the whole Summer smooshing pedestrians, bike-tourists wobbling on their rentals, and coffee-fueled roadies rarin' to go (or sagging and crabby after a long day) together on the same narrow path, thereby turning an experience that was merely suicide-inducing into one that is actively suicidal.

Anonymous said...

Narrow Panties!!

Anonymous said...

I wanted to point out that the author of the TYFSM campaign was obviously a psuedomym to protect her true identity: Fat Kowler

Fixie Bikes said...

That tweet made me laugh.