Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Help Me Help You: All You Haters Pull My Bootstraps


Hi! Welcome to my Kickstarter page. I am a sardonic cycling enthusiast and aspiring blogger who spends the bulk of the day in my underpants surrounded by soggy half-eaten bowls of heavily-sweetened breakfast cereal.

Also, I have a cat:

(The cat that I have.)

I am planning to create an Internet blog post about bikes. This blog post will have words, and pictures, and possibly video, and will feature state-of-the-art 1990s-era blogging features such as "hyperlinks." It will also allow readers to leave "comments" such as "LOL," "Cats rule!," and "You suck!" Just imagine not only being able to read about bikes on your web-enabled device, but also being able to tell the person who wrote what you're reading that he sucks. Holy shit, right?

This is where YOU come in. I estimate that it will take me anywhere from one-half to one hour to complete this project, as well as a budget of around $5 (I'm out of Froot Loops), and I'm simply not prepared to launch a project of this scope purely on speculation. After all, this is America (the crappy prize hidden inside your box of Canada Flakes), and Americans shouldn't have to make any sort of effort unless our success is assured beforehand.

So I'm going to need 50 grand.

Also, I lied about the cat. I actually don't have a cat, but I thought if I said I had one you'd like me more.

(I don't really have this cat.)

I'm sort of starting to like the idea of having a cat though, so after I get this blog post off the ground I'm going to launch a new Kickstarter page to help me get one. Your life would obviously be greatly improved by my having a domesticated feline, and I figure I can get a comprehensive cat ownership plan up and running for not more than 75 grand.

Thanks for your support,


--Wildcat Rock Machine

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why, the nerve of this guy!" Trust me, I can relate. I mean, why would you give some guy $50,000 to create a blog post when you could give some other guy $50,000 to make a glove that flashes turn signals?

He may not have a cat, but he does have the technological know-how to transform your wildest turn-signaling dreams into reality:


He can also control your thoughts, and once we've all been duped into wearing his insidious device he will use it to turn humankind into an army of drones and order us to lay waste to the Earth:


If you don't believe me, watch the video again. At exactly 1:51, the following subliminal image appears:

Thus satisfying my personal criteria for supervillainy:

By the way, Gerard Vroomen of Cervelo also scores two out of three:

The second I see a lizard pop up in a Cervelo commercial I'm summoning his arch-nemesis, the Clean Bottle doofus, who will imprison Vroomen in his redundantly-capped Bidon of Justice:

(Jens Voigt realizing he actually has the second-worst job in cycling.)

I wonder if the Clean Bottle will also get his own Tour blog on Bicycling.com next year.

Speaking of heroes and villains, one of America's biggest bike dork heroes is Congressman Earl Blumenauer--who, a number of readers inform me, made quite a stir in the UK when he wore a bike pin on the BBC:

When asked about it, Blumenauer declared himself "aggressively 'bike partisan:'"

Even Jeremy Paxman couldn't resist, ending the interview with the query: "Can I just ask you, Mr Blumenauer, what is that extraordinary green bicycle on your lapel?"

"Well, I am aggressively 'bike partisan'," replied Blumenauer, "and this is the congressional bike caucus membership pin."

Sadly, this admission will probably spell the end of his political career in the United States, where the average person thinks a "bike partisan" is someone who's romantically attracted to both males and females.

Of course, when it comes to romance, there's no better way to woo your partner than with a bottle of wine you've "portaged" by means of a leather holder mounted on your top tube. I've briefly mentioned this product before, but I had not seen the promotional video, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Besides the fact that he could have just saved himself a bunch of time by throwing the bottle into his bag, I also noticed the gratuitous insertion of this leather popular smart phone holder:

Clearly when it comes to superfluous leather this guy is nothing less than a genius, and I wonder what it must be like to be unable to look at anything without envisioning a leather holder for it. Is it a blessing or a curse? He's like the John Nash of tchotchkes.

But while humankind has been making stuff out of leather for millennia, it's only recently that we've unleashed the seemingly limitless potential of carbon--or, if you prefer, "crabon." Already though a new miracle material is on the horizon, and it is called "cabon:"

(Via Chris from Electra Bikes)

Presumably, engineers at 3T have figured out how to remove the "r" from carbon/crabon for weight savings while retaining the material's lateral stiffness, vertical compliance, and superior wallet-emptying capability.

Of course, even the finest cabon steed is useless if you don't have a flashy wardrobe to match, and what better way to garner covetous looks from your fellow Freds than with a genuine disembodied hand jersey?

Complete with Renaissance-era male genitalway:


If glove indicator light guy could figure out how to incorporate a directional signal into that jersey somehow I think he'd really be onto something.

107 comments:

4 said...

Woo Hoo

Amy said...

Bike Partisan. i see what you did there.

Frank Schleck! said...

Frank Schleck!

Kenny Banya said...

Ha ha "YouTurn"...GOLD!

shu-sin said...

booja!!

Anonymous said...

ladies!

CYC said...

Voeckler!!

Andrew Waldman said...

woohooo

ken e. said...

tennish!

Gordon said...

Man y'all are quick

crosspalms said...

Lapping up wine from a frisbee. Talk about romantic. Put that thing on the ground and let Wildcat Rock Machine's cat finish it. The cat looks thirsty.

J Scott (eh'nonnymouse) said...

ant3rd

GET! SOME

Anonymous said...

All you haters shave my pussy.


balls.

Anonymous said...

1) Cats rule!

2) all that smugness and they drink wine from a frisbee?

Anonymous said...

oops! sorry crosspalms! you called the frisbee first...

shu-sin said...

i never understood a cyclist's need to signal a right turn by using his/her left hand! the only reason a car driver (in canada's soggy hem) uses left hand for right signal is because s/he can't reach out of the passenger's seat. can't cyborg guy give you a pair?

Gordon said...

Oblig. Cats Rule!

and you suck!

shu-sin said...

but what do i get for donating to your venture?

bottle brush said...

stupid effing idea backed with tons of money

Anonymous said...

I thought Partisan Cyclists were the ones who swoop down from the mountains to fight fascist cyclists.

Anonymous Coward said...

Those gloves should come with a complimentary helment mirror and a "3 feet please" jersey.

Gordon said...

I just spotted that leather wine-bottle holder guy has the entire series of "Popular Mechanics Do-It-Yourself yearbooks" on the shelf.

Got a set from my father-in-law, and these are from an age where building stuff from used parts was just a normal saturday morning kinda thing.

I saw complete instructions in one of the late-70's yearbooks for turning two functional bikes into one less functional tandem. Only a little welding required...

tgs said...

Cabon is just how they spell carbon in Boston.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, if that is not in fact your cat, may I have it? It would make a delightful addition to my menagerie.

LK said...

Mr. Oopsmark should make a leather wine vessel. It would draw the dark fruit and terroir flavors from that Puglian vino.

Droopy nutsack said...

I don't know about carrying wine, but my testicles hang so low that I would appreciate the support such a device offers.

grog said...

Happy Wackyweed Wednesday.
No leather wine goblets.
No babe today.

SKIN PUSS

samh said...

LOL, Cats rule!, You suck!

Parmesan cyclist said...

Magnifico! bikesnob

ciao

Mr Donkey said...

From the Internet:

"OH

Guy on cell phone outside:
"What the f@@k? They removed lanes of traffic and put bike lanes on 10th St.* Where the f@@k do they think we are? China? People f@@king like to drive to work here."

*It was actually 11th st."

http://www.eschatonblog.com/2011/07/oh.html

Cats and Kittens said...

Try the ASPCA.


http://bit.ly/qI7GYz

Chazu said...

Tchotchke was Jonie's love interest on Happy Days, right?

Harry Pomme said...

It provides a G-I=A-N-T yellow

chevron
in the direction

you want it

right
when

you need it!

Anonymous said...

"Sadly, this admission will probably spell the end of his political career in the United States, where the average person thinks a "bike partisan" is someone who's romantically attracted to both males and females."

Heeeeeeeeeeeelarious.
Heeeeerrrrrrrrrlarious.

Anonymous said...

That mog looks really grumpy. Not surprised really, someone's tried to turn it into a poodle.

hey nonny mouse

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am sorry to sound like WINESNOBNYC, but this is in fact one of the most retarded idea that I have ever seen.

First, glass breaks. Broken glass cuts. Broken glass sometimes cuts arteries. Forget the Mason jars, the wine bottles, and the glass fairings on the bike.

Second, wine bruises. Don't believe me? Look it up. Wine was not meant to be vigorously shaken because it bruises. and because the sediment that settles into and around the punt (the WINESNOBNYC term for the dent in the bottom of the bottle)is not meant to dislodge and be re-mixed into the wine. That kind of handling ruins a fine wine.

Finally, do not even get me started on the use of appropriate stemware. Let's just say that not even a VERY weary Portuguese would drink wine from a frisbee that was last in the slobbery mouth of a yellow lab...

hillbilly said...

ooh, don't get me started on Kickstarter....

Twatter said...

Good Garshk put some PANTS ON THAT CAT!


i've seen entirely enough partially-shaven pussies today.

Anonymous said...

KICK STRT

Marcel Da Chump said...

One time in my "bike messenger daze" when riding home, I looked up at my 6th floor window and there was one of my two cats. I waved at him and he jumped off the window pane, back into the room to wait for me by the door.
Those cats were great companions after a miserable weather day. I'll always miss them...Zoƫ and Mondue.

crosspalms said...

On the other hand, if you carefully decant your Boone's Farm (never bruises -- never!) into your water bottles, you remove the glass problem, you save on dopey leather thing and you have your vino. Everybody's a winner!

Anonymous said...

i think the cyborg glove is pretty cool, but DIYers do stuff like that for practically nothing...which i guess is your point about 'mericans wanting the loot up front...

wishiwasmerckx said...

I actually own that green bicycle pin. I got it in a bike shop at the foot of M street in DC, just down the road from Georgetown University.

It is attached to one of the straps of my Chrome messenger bag.

crosspalms said...

I'm starting a fundraising website called Kickstopper. Help me stomp out bad ideas a dollar at a time. Or $5. Or $10. The amount I need to raise is probably infinite.

Anonymous said...

Snob, please show some restraint w/ the subliminally-placed checklist for supervillany, will ya? There are children present.

Anonymous said...

Marcel, I am sorry for your loss. The Chinese restaurant down the street got ahold of them?

gene99 said...

Separated at birth: "The cat I don't have" and Cadel "Cuddles" Evans. (Meow.)

mikeweb said...

Just back from the Cat 6 Tour de Parc Centrale today at lunchtime. I have to say it: I don't know who the DS is of Team Bike and Roll, but they have a bunch of slow improperly dressed chumps riding for them.

Amy has to be at the top of the commenting GC right now, with Kenny B. a close second.

Anonymous said...

Interesting news on the french website Velochrono.fr

Google translation French to English
(I have no time (read too lazy) to translate it properly):

"Iglinskiy: Cocaine, alcohol and speeding

According to RTL, the rider of the Astana team Valentin Iglinskiy, brother Maxim, was arrested by the gendarmerie on the A8 highway while traveling at 203 km / h. If it were only that ... The Kazakh had 0.64 grams of alcohol per liter of air, which is higher than the standard authority. And to boot, the sprinter showed 1.9 grams of cocaine. Consequently, a positive control that will likely give birth to a disciplinary procedure against him. What is even more annoying is that Valentin Iglinskiy, explained drunk with public forces, told he had just left the home of Alexandre Vinokourov.
By Alexandre Philippon - Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 19:26

Read more on Velochrono.fr - http://www.velochrono.fr/actu/2011/iglinskiy-cocaine-alcool-et-exces-de-vitesse/ # ixzz1TKVQHMMS "

RANTWICK said...

Reminds me of a different kickstarter somebody bugged me about in email. They dig "sexy bikes". I wrote a not nearly as funny as you post about it here.

Evans, Cadel said...

How do you like me now?

I am Tour De France winner. My website is now yellow. And your's is not.

You are all scum beneath my tiny, fat-toed, hairy, wide feet.

GITerDone said...

Is that turn signal guy in action in this video? Hahahaha! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-zJQzi7dMg&feature=player_embedded

Anonymous said...

The fact that - judging from the video - the wine portaging device seems to be made in Montreal where I happen to live makes it doubly embarrassing but also hardly surprising, this city has a severe hipster problem. Now if you'll excuse me I am off to a Vernissage!

it's all about pace said...

I thought it was *General* Vroomen

Fred said...

Yeah, the glove is cool. But you could easily accomplish the same thing by simply velcroing two iphones to your shoulders and then using voice commands to have them display graphics of blinking arrows. Problem solved for a mere $800 or so.

Needless to say, two iPhones count as one thing.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

that smart phone looks hot dressed like that

bikesgonewild said...

...what ???...no fucking sad, dated 'can i haz cheezburger - lolcat' reference here ???...

...sheesh...that cat looks disgusted..."...not only do i have suffer the indignity of this fucking poodle cut against my will but now i've been subjected to the same blogsite as leroys dog...me-fucking-ow..."...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

CleanBottle...so your bottle can now leak sticky go-juice all over your frame from both ends!

SHVN PSSY

I am a confused engine said...

Snobby many thanks for alerting me to the mere presence of the congressional bike caucus. It is always good to know that something like this exists, even if most of the members are douchebags.

http://www.bikeleague.org/programs/bikeadvocacy/bike_caucus_1.pdf

http://blumenauer.house.gov/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=814&Itemid=167

always nice to see that there are low entry standards to such a thing, since my republican house representative is on record mocking bike lanes, but seems to be on this illustrious group.

What is the purpose of government?

Snarkus said...

Actually, way back when there was a Cervelo Test Team, Fizik used lizard imagery in conjunction with Mr (General?) Vroomens cyclists (alien squadron?).

Lloyd Flandis said...

Mad Dog 20/20 does not bruise. It lacerates.

Anonymous said...

Brought to you by Canada (America's wine thong)

ervgopwr said...

That jersey touched my noodley appendage.

CATS RULE

BIKE CAUC(ous)

Anonymous said...

Surely I am not the only one that noticed this cool wine bottle guy bought "Masi" wine. Nothing cooler than a little inside tip of the Campy cap.

Also thinking of how crazy this looks riding down the street, looking forward to popping the cork. Feeling inadequate, perhaps?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 1:28 the 2nd
Did you ever eat at Hong Kong Kitchen on Bleecker St.?

Dave B's Chopper Pilot said...

The Sickorski model 2011-473005 is a fully organic model constructed primarily of bamboo with free range carbon connecting members, non-toxic silcon structural accents and 3rd world fabricated ceramics. The Sickorski 2011-473005 sports a Kahfukkski Wanker Rotary engine that emits no pollutants or substances that can be considerd as 'Climate Change' unfriendly.

Etherhuffer said...

With that bottle hangin down there, I would add a couple of mozzarella balls to finish the picture. Why just have a drink when you can have a whole pudendum party?

BULL BALZ

Terre Haute Karl said...

wait, wine comes in bottles??? mine always comes in a box

Anonymous said...

LOL, they give those little green bike pins away for free in Portland at the Bike Gallery

Anonymous said...

Panties!
(Get a job, or get a cat! Cats pay less but love you more! Actually cats could give a sh*t but you'll feed them if they purr and let you pet them! Cats were hipster minimalists before fixies! Egyptians invented cats and would have invented fixies and minimalism if the aliens hadn't kidnapped them all in tiny space-faring anti-gravity houses known as minimalist UFOs!)
Panties!

Randoboy said...

Did you really have to put the checkmark for reptile next to his pants yabbies?

Stranded said...

The last thing cycling needs is government sponsorship. Even if it's only token sponsorship. What, we're like AIDS and breast cancer, pathetic victims who want sympathy wherever we may find it? Now, if the congressman's pin were pink and had thisURL:
http://hottybikes.tumblr.com/
I'd say go Congressman! but he'd have to resign next week after denying he took pictures of the tool he uses to fix his his fixie.

Paul said...

Forget the leather wine holder or the cyborg glove, what impresses me is how that rider is rocking with Tinky Winky's red purse and making it look waaayyy coooool.

Pink Floyd said...

Lucifer Sam, Siam cat
Always sitting by your side
Always by your side
That cat's something I can't explain

--Syd Barrett

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 1:28 the 2nd,
Almost forgot; thanks for the condolence.
Sounds like you're bereft of some pussy, too.

Anonymous said...

I love leather!

E said...

Snob,
Thanks for taking a lash out towards the hive of smugness and villainy that is Kickstarter.com. I'm glad to see that other people are bothered by it as much as I am.

- E

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry about Congressman Blumenauer losing office after his pro bike remarks. Since he represents the Peoples Republic of Portland, his remarks probably assure him reelection. Besides, whats a little bike love compared to diddling the teen daughter of a contributor, ala David Wu, another Oregon Rep.?
Unless Earl calls up female staffers at 1AM, offering to rub her all over with Phil Woods green grease...

Jasper said...

Pink Floyd, are those really the lyrics? I always thought he said "Lucifer Sam, saw your cat". Not that it matters. Great song still.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Jasper,
They're Syd's Lyrics. IN FACT, Sydl's cats were named Pink and Floyd. He named them after Pink Floyd the bluesman.

petrus said...

Here I thought you were leading with your lovely 1st post from now over 1k posts ago, BSNYC FAIL.

u suck.

cats on you.

bikesgonewild said...

...yep...these guys have got it right, jasper...

...Lucifer Sam, siam cat.
Always sitting by your side
Always by your side.
That cat's something I can't explain.
Ginger, ginger, Jennifer Gentle you're a witch.
You're the left side
He's the right side.
Oh, no!
That cat's something I can't explain.
Lucifer go to sea...

...Be a hip cat, be a ship's cat.
Somewhere, anywhere.
That cat's something I can't explain.
At night prowling sifting sand.
Hiding around on the ground.
He'll be found when you're around.
That cat's something I can't explain
...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...i'm sure it all made sense to syd...

JDH said...

We no see your cat, O.K.!? You no ask again! You want egg roll? You suck!

shu-sin said...

stranded,
you broke an un-written rule, dammit!! you can't put a link to a not-safe-for-work w/o that disclaimer... i'm lucky my coworkers weren't near by.
also, are you insinuating that cancer & AIDS victims are pathetic because they receive govt sympathy? two wrong in one comment... ay yay yay yay yay

burley said...

save 50k!

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/newinventors/txt/s2245783.htm

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-Turn-Portable-Bicycle-Indicator/dp/B0015MIEX2

JDH said...

@shu-shin--Whenever I signal a right turn(because here they say,same road, same rules)the people that try to run over me wave back. They don't see ME,let alone the hand signal.

solarpos said...

My arms are so skinny I slide Clean Bottles over them and walk around like Robbie The Robot.

cyclotourist said...

CONG RESS
BIKE CAUC

With apologies to ervgopwr, you just can't use the word cauc enough in polite conversation.

ERVG OPWR

Anally Retentive Blues Fan said...

He named them after Pink Floyd the bluesman

??????

Taken from the names of two Georgia bluesmen Pink Anderson and Floyd Council

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

I was really expecting the Kickstarter fundraising goal for the SignalBang glove to be: ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Anonymous said...

I was waiting for the cornhole to come out with a 40 ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon to holster in his leather strap-on.

I am a pissed off engine said...

From Stranded,

"The last thing cycling needs is government sponsorship. Even if it's only token sponsorship. What, we're like AIDS and breast cancer, pathetic victims who want sympathy wherever we may find it?"

Stranded you are an asshole and an idiot.

I am pretty sure there are no (very few) cyclists who would not view government support, or sponsorship a good thing. Don't know too many aids or breast cancer victims as pathetic.

Wouldn't wish either one one you, but try a little compassion now and then.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anally Retentive Blues Fan,
Thanks for setting the record straight.
I was a bit unsure about that info.

*The Blues are the roots. All else are the fruits.*

Anonymous said...

lightning strike!

Anonymous said...

Isnt the "r" in carbon structural?

GhostOfTyrone said...

FRSB WINE

Jasper said...

Obviously showing my ignorance again, but wasn't Pink Floyd their favourite brand of acid at Cambridge?
More Pink Floyd in today's comments too. Bizarre.

and then some ironic hobo said...

Why not just drink straight out the bottle? That would be so effin' minimalist!

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

gas powered bikes said...

hmmm...waow!!!


gas powered bikes

Jesse Herbert said...

Good catch on the phone holder. No one but you spotted the iphone holder. I've developed the product further and posted about it. Thanks for noticing Bike Snob.

http://oopsmark.ca/the-bracelet-that-holds-my-iphone/

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Fixie Bikes said...

LOL
Cats rule!
You suck!