Hi! Welcome to my Kickstarter page. I am a sardonic cycling enthusiast and aspiring blogger who spends the bulk of the day in my underpants surrounded by soggy half-eaten bowls of heavily-sweetened breakfast cereal.
Also, I have a cat:
He may not have a cat, but he does have the technological know-how to transform your wildest turn-signaling dreams into reality:
He can also control your thoughts, and once we've all been duped into wearing his insidious device he will use it to turn humankind into an army of drones and order us to lay waste to the Earth:
By the way, Gerard Vroomen of Cervelo also scores two out of three:
The second I see a lizard pop up in a Cervelo commercial I'm summoning his arch-nemesis, the Clean Bottle doofus, who will imprison Vroomen in his redundantly-capped Bidon of Justice:
I wonder if the Clean Bottle will also get his own Tour blog on Bicycling.com next year.
When asked about it, Blumenauer declared himself "aggressively 'bike partisan:'"
Even Jeremy Paxman couldn't resist, ending the interview with the query: "Can I just ask you, Mr Blumenauer, what is that extraordinary green bicycle on your lapel?"
"Well, I am aggressively 'bike partisan'," replied Blumenauer, "and this is the congressional bike caucus membership pin."
Presumably, engineers at 3T have figured out how to remove the "r" from carbon/crabon for weight savings while retaining the material's lateral stiffness, vertical compliance, and superior wallet-emptying capability.
Of course, even the finest cabon steed is useless if you don't have a flashy wardrobe to match, and what better way to garner covetous looks from your fellow Freds than with a genuine disembodied hand jersey?
I am planning to create an Internet blog post about bikes. This blog post will have words, and pictures, and possibly video, and will feature state-of-the-art 1990s-era blogging features such as "hyperlinks." It will also allow readers to leave "comments" such as "LOL," "Cats rule!," and "You suck!" Just imagine not only being able to read about bikes on your web-enabled device, but also being able to tell the person who wrote what you're reading that he sucks. Holy shit, right?
This is where YOU come in. I estimate that it will take me anywhere from one-half to one hour to complete this project, as well as a budget of around $5 (I'm out of Froot Loops), and I'm simply not prepared to launch a project of this scope purely on speculation. After all, this is America (the crappy prize hidden inside your box of Canada Flakes), and Americans shouldn't have to make any sort of effort unless our success is assured beforehand.
So I'm going to need 50 grand.
Also, I lied about the cat. I actually don't have a cat, but I thought if I said I had one you'd like me more.
(I don't really have this cat.)
I'm sort of starting to like the idea of having a cat though, so after I get this blog post off the ground I'm going to launch a new Kickstarter page to help me get one. Your life would obviously be greatly improved by my having a domesticated feline, and I figure I can get a comprehensive cat ownership plan up and running for not more than 75 grand.
Thanks for your support,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why, the nerve of this guy!" Trust me, I can relate. I mean, why would you give some guy $50,000 to create a blog post when you could give some other guy $50,000 to make a glove that flashes turn signals?
He may not have a cat, but he does have the technological know-how to transform your wildest turn-signaling dreams into reality:
He can also control your thoughts, and once we've all been duped into wearing his insidious device he will use it to turn humankind into an army of drones and order us to lay waste to the Earth:
If you don't believe me, watch the video again. At exactly 1:51, the following subliminal image appears:
By the way, Gerard Vroomen of Cervelo also scores two out of three:
The second I see a lizard pop up in a Cervelo commercial I'm summoning his arch-nemesis, the Clean Bottle doofus, who will imprison Vroomen in his redundantly-capped Bidon of Justice:
(Jens Voigt realizing he actually has the second-worst job in cycling.)
I wonder if the Clean Bottle will also get his own Tour blog on Bicycling.com next year.
Speaking of heroes and villains, one of America's biggest bike dork heroes is Congressman Earl Blumenauer--who, a number of readers inform me, made quite a stir in the UK when he wore a bike pin on the BBC:
When asked about it, Blumenauer declared himself "aggressively 'bike partisan:'"
Even Jeremy Paxman couldn't resist, ending the interview with the query: "Can I just ask you, Mr Blumenauer, what is that extraordinary green bicycle on your lapel?"
"Well, I am aggressively 'bike partisan'," replied Blumenauer, "and this is the congressional bike caucus membership pin."
Sadly, this admission will probably spell the end of his political career in the United States, where the average person thinks a "bike partisan" is someone who's romantically attracted to both males and females.
Of course, when it comes to romance, there's no better way to woo your partner than with a bottle of wine you've "portaged" by means of a leather holder mounted on your top tube. I've briefly mentioned this product before, but I had not seen the promotional video, which was forwarded to me by a reader:
Besides the fact that he could have just saved himself a bunch of time by throwing the bottle into his bag, I also noticed the gratuitous insertion of this leather popular smart phone holder:
Clearly when it comes to superfluous leather this guy is nothing less than a genius, and I wonder what it must be like to be unable to look at anything without envisioning a leather holder for it. Is it a blessing or a curse? He's like the John Nash of tchotchkes.
Clearly when it comes to superfluous leather this guy is nothing less than a genius, and I wonder what it must be like to be unable to look at anything without envisioning a leather holder for it. Is it a blessing or a curse? He's like the John Nash of tchotchkes.
But while humankind has been making stuff out of leather for millennia, it's only recently that we've unleashed the seemingly limitless potential of carbon--or, if you prefer, "crabon." Already though a new miracle material is on the horizon, and it is called "cabon:"
(Via Chris from Electra Bikes)
Of course, even the finest cabon steed is useless if you don't have a flashy wardrobe to match, and what better way to garner covetous looks from your fellow Freds than with a genuine disembodied hand jersey?
Complete with Renaissance-era male genitalway:
If glove indicator light guy could figure out how to incorporate a directional signal into that jersey somehow I think he'd really be onto something.
If glove indicator light guy could figure out how to incorporate a directional signal into that jersey somehow I think he'd really be onto something.
105 comments:
Woo Hoo
Bike Partisan. i see what you did there.
Frank Schleck!
Ha ha "YouTurn"...GOLD!
booja!!
ladies!
Voeckler!!
woohooo
tennish!
Man y'all are quick
Lapping up wine from a frisbee. Talk about romantic. Put that thing on the ground and let Wildcat Rock Machine's cat finish it. The cat looks thirsty.
ant3rd
GET! SOME
All you haters shave my pussy.
balls.
1) Cats rule!
2) all that smugness and they drink wine from a frisbee?
oops! sorry crosspalms! you called the frisbee first...
i never understood a cyclist's need to signal a right turn by using his/her left hand! the only reason a car driver (in canada's soggy hem) uses left hand for right signal is because s/he can't reach out of the passenger's seat. can't cyborg guy give you a pair?
Oblig. Cats Rule!
and you suck!
but what do i get for donating to your venture?
stupid effing idea backed with tons of money
I thought Partisan Cyclists were the ones who swoop down from the mountains to fight fascist cyclists.
Those gloves should come with a complimentary helment mirror and a "3 feet please" jersey.
I just spotted that leather wine-bottle holder guy has the entire series of "Popular Mechanics Do-It-Yourself yearbooks" on the shelf.
Got a set from my father-in-law, and these are from an age where building stuff from used parts was just a normal saturday morning kinda thing.
I saw complete instructions in one of the late-70's yearbooks for turning two functional bikes into one less functional tandem. Only a little welding required...
Cabon is just how they spell carbon in Boston.
Snob, if that is not in fact your cat, may I have it? It would make a delightful addition to my menagerie.
Mr. Oopsmark should make a leather wine vessel. It would draw the dark fruit and terroir flavors from that Puglian vino.
I don't know about carrying wine, but my testicles hang so low that I would appreciate the support such a device offers.
Happy Wackyweed Wednesday.
No leather wine goblets.
No babe today.
SKIN PUSS
LOL, Cats rule!, You suck!
Magnifico! bikesnob
ciao
From the Internet:
"OH
Guy on cell phone outside:
"What the f@@k? They removed lanes of traffic and put bike lanes on 10th St.* Where the f@@k do they think we are? China? People f@@king like to drive to work here."
*It was actually 11th st."
http://www.eschatonblog.com/2011/07/oh.html
Try the ASPCA.
http://bit.ly/qI7GYz
Tchotchke was Jonie's love interest on Happy Days, right?
It provides a G-I=A-N-T yellow
chevron
in the direction
you want it
right
when
you need it!
"Sadly, this admission will probably spell the end of his political career in the United States, where the average person thinks a "bike partisan" is someone who's romantically attracted to both males and females."
Heeeeeeeeeeeelarious.
Heeeeerrrrrrrrrlarious.
That mog looks really grumpy. Not surprised really, someone's tried to turn it into a poodle.
hey nonny mouse
I am sorry to sound like WINESNOBNYC, but this is in fact one of the most retarded idea that I have ever seen.
First, glass breaks. Broken glass cuts. Broken glass sometimes cuts arteries. Forget the Mason jars, the wine bottles, and the glass fairings on the bike.
Second, wine bruises. Don't believe me? Look it up. Wine was not meant to be vigorously shaken because it bruises. and because the sediment that settles into and around the punt (the WINESNOBNYC term for the dent in the bottom of the bottle)is not meant to dislodge and be re-mixed into the wine. That kind of handling ruins a fine wine.
Finally, do not even get me started on the use of appropriate stemware. Let's just say that not even a VERY weary Portuguese would drink wine from a frisbee that was last in the slobbery mouth of a yellow lab...
ooh, don't get me started on Kickstarter....
Good Garshk put some PANTS ON THAT CAT!
i've seen entirely enough partially-shaven pussies today.
KICK STRT
One time in my "bike messenger daze" when riding home, I looked up at my 6th floor window and there was one of my two cats. I waved at him and he jumped off the window pane, back into the room to wait for me by the door.
Those cats were great companions after a miserable weather day. I'll always miss them...Zoë and Mondue.
On the other hand, if you carefully decant your Boone's Farm (never bruises -- never!) into your water bottles, you remove the glass problem, you save on dopey leather thing and you have your vino. Everybody's a winner!
i think the cyborg glove is pretty cool, but DIYers do stuff like that for practically nothing...which i guess is your point about 'mericans wanting the loot up front...
I actually own that green bicycle pin. I got it in a bike shop at the foot of M street in DC, just down the road from Georgetown University.
It is attached to one of the straps of my Chrome messenger bag.
I'm starting a fundraising website called Kickstopper. Help me stomp out bad ideas a dollar at a time. Or $5. Or $10. The amount I need to raise is probably infinite.
Snob, please show some restraint w/ the subliminally-placed checklist for supervillany, will ya? There are children present.
Marcel, I am sorry for your loss. The Chinese restaurant down the street got ahold of them?
Separated at birth: "The cat I don't have" and Cadel "Cuddles" Evans. (Meow.)
Just back from the Cat 6 Tour de Parc Centrale today at lunchtime. I have to say it: I don't know who the DS is of Team Bike and Roll, but they have a bunch of slow improperly dressed chumps riding for them.
Amy has to be at the top of the commenting GC right now, with Kenny B. a close second.
Interesting news on the french website Velochrono.fr
Google translation French to English
(I have no time (read too lazy) to translate it properly):
"Iglinskiy: Cocaine, alcohol and speeding
According to RTL, the rider of the Astana team Valentin Iglinskiy, brother Maxim, was arrested by the gendarmerie on the A8 highway while traveling at 203 km / h. If it were only that ... The Kazakh had 0.64 grams of alcohol per liter of air, which is higher than the standard authority. And to boot, the sprinter showed 1.9 grams of cocaine. Consequently, a positive control that will likely give birth to a disciplinary procedure against him. What is even more annoying is that Valentin Iglinskiy, explained drunk with public forces, told he had just left the home of Alexandre Vinokourov.
By Alexandre Philippon - Wednesday, July 27, 2011 - 19:26
Read more on Velochrono.fr - http://www.velochrono.fr/actu/2011/iglinskiy-cocaine-alcool-et-exces-de-vitesse/ # ixzz1TKVQHMMS "
Reminds me of a different kickstarter somebody bugged me about in email. They dig "sexy bikes". I wrote a not nearly as funny as you post about it here.
How do you like me now?
I am Tour De France winner. My website is now yellow. And your's is not.
You are all scum beneath my tiny, fat-toed, hairy, wide feet.
Is that turn signal guy in action in this video? Hahahaha! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-zJQzi7dMg&feature=player_embedded
The fact that - judging from the video - the wine portaging device seems to be made in Montreal where I happen to live makes it doubly embarrassing but also hardly surprising, this city has a severe hipster problem. Now if you'll excuse me I am off to a Vernissage!
I thought it was *General* Vroomen
Yeah, the glove is cool. But you could easily accomplish the same thing by simply velcroing two iphones to your shoulders and then using voice commands to have them display graphics of blinking arrows. Problem solved for a mere $800 or so.
Needless to say, two iPhones count as one thing.
that smart phone looks hot dressed like that
...what ???...no fucking sad, dated 'can i haz cheezburger - lolcat' reference here ???...
...sheesh...that cat looks disgusted..."...not only do i have suffer the indignity of this fucking poodle cut against my will but now i've been subjected to the same blogsite as leroys dog...me-fucking-ow..."...
...just sayin'...
CleanBottle...so your bottle can now leak sticky go-juice all over your frame from both ends!
SHVN PSSY
Snobby many thanks for alerting me to the mere presence of the congressional bike caucus. It is always good to know that something like this exists, even if most of the members are douchebags.
http://www.bikeleague.org/programs/bikeadvocacy/bike_caucus_1.pdf
http://blumenauer.house.gov/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=814&Itemid=167
always nice to see that there are low entry standards to such a thing, since my republican house representative is on record mocking bike lanes, but seems to be on this illustrious group.
What is the purpose of government?
Actually, way back when there was a Cervelo Test Team, Fizik used lizard imagery in conjunction with Mr (General?) Vroomens cyclists (alien squadron?).
Mad Dog 20/20 does not bruise. It lacerates.
Brought to you by Canada (America's wine thong)
That jersey touched my noodley appendage.
CATS RULE
BIKE CAUC(ous)
Surely I am not the only one that noticed this cool wine bottle guy bought "Masi" wine. Nothing cooler than a little inside tip of the Campy cap.
Also thinking of how crazy this looks riding down the street, looking forward to popping the cork. Feeling inadequate, perhaps?
Anon 1:28 the 2nd
Did you ever eat at Hong Kong Kitchen on Bleecker St.?
The Sickorski model 2011-473005 is a fully organic model constructed primarily of bamboo with free range carbon connecting members, non-toxic silcon structural accents and 3rd world fabricated ceramics. The Sickorski 2011-473005 sports a Kahfukkski Wanker Rotary engine that emits no pollutants or substances that can be considerd as 'Climate Change' unfriendly.
With that bottle hangin down there, I would add a couple of mozzarella balls to finish the picture. Why just have a drink when you can have a whole pudendum party?
BULL BALZ
wait, wine comes in bottles??? mine always comes in a box
LOL, they give those little green bike pins away for free in Portland at the Bike Gallery
Panties!
(Get a job, or get a cat! Cats pay less but love you more! Actually cats could give a sh*t but you'll feed them if they purr and let you pet them! Cats were hipster minimalists before fixies! Egyptians invented cats and would have invented fixies and minimalism if the aliens hadn't kidnapped them all in tiny space-faring anti-gravity houses known as minimalist UFOs!)
Panties!
Did you really have to put the checkmark for reptile next to his pants yabbies?
The last thing cycling needs is government sponsorship. Even if it's only token sponsorship. What, we're like AIDS and breast cancer, pathetic victims who want sympathy wherever we may find it? Now, if the congressman's pin were pink and had thisURL:
http://hottybikes.tumblr.com/
I'd say go Congressman! but he'd have to resign next week after denying he took pictures of the tool he uses to fix his his fixie.
Forget the leather wine holder or the cyborg glove, what impresses me is how that rider is rocking with Tinky Winky's red purse and making it look waaayyy coooool.
Lucifer Sam, Siam cat
Always sitting by your side
Always by your side
That cat's something I can't explain
--Syd Barrett
Anon 1:28 the 2nd,
Almost forgot; thanks for the condolence.
Sounds like you're bereft of some pussy, too.
I love leather!
Snob,
Thanks for taking a lash out towards the hive of smugness and villainy that is Kickstarter.com. I'm glad to see that other people are bothered by it as much as I am.
- E
I wouldn't worry about Congressman Blumenauer losing office after his pro bike remarks. Since he represents the Peoples Republic of Portland, his remarks probably assure him reelection. Besides, whats a little bike love compared to diddling the teen daughter of a contributor, ala David Wu, another Oregon Rep.?
Unless Earl calls up female staffers at 1AM, offering to rub her all over with Phil Woods green grease...
Pink Floyd, are those really the lyrics? I always thought he said "Lucifer Sam, saw your cat". Not that it matters. Great song still.
Jasper,
They're Syd's Lyrics. IN FACT, Sydl's cats were named Pink and Floyd. He named them after Pink Floyd the bluesman.
Here I thought you were leading with your lovely 1st post from now over 1k posts ago, BSNYC FAIL.
u suck.
cats on you.
...yep...these guys have got it right, jasper...
...Lucifer Sam, siam cat.
Always sitting by your side
Always by your side.
That cat's something I can't explain.
Ginger, ginger, Jennifer Gentle you're a witch.
You're the left side
He's the right side.
Oh, no!
That cat's something I can't explain.
Lucifer go to sea...
...Be a hip cat, be a ship's cat.
Somewhere, anywhere.
That cat's something I can't explain.
At night prowling sifting sand.
Hiding around on the ground.
He'll be found when you're around.
That cat's something I can't explain...
...btw...i'm sure it all made sense to syd...
We no see your cat, O.K.!? You no ask again! You want egg roll? You suck!
stranded,
you broke an un-written rule, dammit!! you can't put a link to a not-safe-for-work w/o that disclaimer... i'm lucky my coworkers weren't near by.
also, are you insinuating that cancer & AIDS victims are pathetic because they receive govt sympathy? two wrong in one comment... ay yay yay yay yay
save 50k!
http://www.abc.net.au/tv/newinventors/txt/s2245783.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-Turn-Portable-Bicycle-Indicator/dp/B0015MIEX2
@shu-shin--Whenever I signal a right turn(because here they say,same road, same rules)the people that try to run over me wave back. They don't see ME,let alone the hand signal.
My arms are so skinny I slide Clean Bottles over them and walk around like Robbie The Robot.
CONG RESS
BIKE CAUC
With apologies to ervgopwr, you just can't use the word cauc enough in polite conversation.
ERVG OPWR
He named them after Pink Floyd the bluesman
??????
Taken from the names of two Georgia bluesmen Pink Anderson and Floyd Council
I was really expecting the Kickstarter fundraising goal for the SignalBang glove to be: ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
I was waiting for the cornhole to come out with a 40 ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon to holster in his leather strap-on.
From Stranded,
"The last thing cycling needs is government sponsorship. Even if it's only token sponsorship. What, we're like AIDS and breast cancer, pathetic victims who want sympathy wherever we may find it?"
Stranded you are an asshole and an idiot.
I am pretty sure there are no (very few) cyclists who would not view government support, or sponsorship a good thing. Don't know too many aids or breast cancer victims as pathetic.
Wouldn't wish either one one you, but try a little compassion now and then.
Anally Retentive Blues Fan,
Thanks for setting the record straight.
I was a bit unsure about that info.
*The Blues are the roots. All else are the fruits.*
lightning strike!
Isnt the "r" in carbon structural?
FRSB WINE
Obviously showing my ignorance again, but wasn't Pink Floyd their favourite brand of acid at Cambridge?
More Pink Floyd in today's comments too. Bizarre.
Why not just drink straight out the bottle? That would be so effin' minimalist!
hmmm...waow!!!
gas powered bikes
Good catch on the phone holder. No one but you spotted the iphone holder. I've developed the product further and posted about it. Thanks for noticing Bike Snob.
http://oopsmark.ca/the-bracelet-that-holds-my-iphone/
The Sickorski style 2011-473005 may maybe be considered a completely organically grown style made largely of bamboo with cost-free broad range carbon connecting members
Does anyone about to get andBuy World Of Warcraft Gold, does anyone have some good suggestions to get the fast and safeRS Gold, please tell me and thanks a lot who can help me.
LOL
Cats rule!
You suck!
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