Friday, July 29, 2011

BSNYC Friday Naked Drumming Circle!

As you may know, the speed at which a Fred goes "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" is 46mph:


Well, I've just learned from a reader that one Fred recently experienced "woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-us interruptus" when he was stopped by Seattle police for going 42mph, a mere 4mph shy of terminal Fredly velocity:


Nevertheless, the cyclist was still rather pleased with himself:

As the cyclist involved… I figure I should give my 2 cents.
.
I was fine with being pulled over. I could have gotten a ticket and would have been OK with it; however, the SUV gaining on me from behind should have also been given a ticket. Going 42 (and by the way… why does everyone assume I was going downhill) on Admiral just keeps you with the flow of traffic. This morning, I was going about 30 mph and had a car zoom past on the right hand side and cut over right in front of me just before the merge to Spokane. Like it or not, it’s safer for a bike to break the speed limit and keep up with traffic (if possible) than to try to obey the law.
.
The officer was nice about the whole situation (and seemed to get a kick out of pulling over a bike). He said he had been looking for a bike to pull over for a while (apparently, I was the first going fast enough). He told me he was careful to write a neat contact report so that I could frame it. If only I had known I was going to be clocked…


And then went on to boast that he had even exceeded woo-hoo-hoo-hoo speed (or WHHHS-1) this one time at band camp:

The fastest I’ve ever gone on a bike? 58mph down a 25% grade in England, on a mountain bike and towing a fully-loaded trailer.

That's nothing. I once hit 76mph on my Big Dummy while descending a vertical rock face in Canada and "portaging" 130 kilos of expired "back bacon." If you don't believe me just ask my girlfriend at the time, Angelina Jolie. Also, I was wearing bib shorts over my t-shirt and had a parrot on my shoulder, just like this guy:

Though that goes without saying.

Something else that goes without saying is that the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret is the very embodiment of cycling, and a reader in Australia informs me that not only did he and his countrymen get to thrill to a Cadel Evans Tour de France win, but they also got to enjoy Bret's be-soul-patched visage as they did so:

They say that, if you listened carefully, you could hear Evans's "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoos!" as he hit WHHHS-1 on the penultimate stage.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll go "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!," and if you're wrong you'll see a recumbent wedding.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and--if at all possible--ride with a parrot.


--Wildcat Rock Machine




1) Why is this rider smirking?





2) Why is this rider irritated?





(Humble inventor, or hyper-intelligent space lizard?)

3) What is this man demonstrating?





4) Gerard Vroomen of Cervelo is a hyper-intelligent space lizard.





(Humble congressman, or hyper-intelligent space lizard?)

5) Congressman Earl Blumenauer says he is:





6) Always wear a helment when you're:






(Minimalist lizard)


7) The latest minimalist trend is:




***Special Frame Material Smugness-Themed Bonus Question***


(My imaginary cat, Señor Nonsequitorres.)


Fill in the blank: Steel is _________ than bamboo.


108 comments:

tgs said...

Similarity of the arcades to the indoor arenas in which one learned to ride a bicycle. In these halls the figure of the woman assumed its most seductive aspect: as cyclist. That is how she appears on contemporary posters. Cheret the painter of this feminine pulchritude. The costume of the cyclist, as an early and unconscious prefiguration of sportswear, corresponds to the dream prototypes that a little before or a little later, are at work in the factory or the automobile. Just as the first factory buildings cling to the traditional form of the residential dwelling, and just as the first automobile chassis imitate carriages, so in the clothing of the cyclist the sporting expression still wrestles with the inherited pattern of elegance, and the fruit of this struggle is the grim sadistic touch which made this ideal image of elegance so incomparably provocative to the male world in those days.

Who still knows, nowadays, where it was that in the last decade of the previous century women would offer to men their most seductive aspect, the most intimate promise of their figure? In the asphalted indoor arenas where people learned to ride bicycles. The woman as cyclist competes with the cabaret singer for the place of honor on posters, and gives to fashion its most daring line.

-Walter Benjamin, The Arcades Project

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment

Anonymous said...

fast typing- gold!

Reggie said...

top something or other

Nogocyclist said...

Ok, I'm here.

Benny Kanya (aka J Scott.) said...

ant3rd

SingleSpeedMark said...

Space lizard

SingleSpeedMark said...

Also, what's with the nonny mouse?

Anonymous said...

Ladies!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!?!

Anonymous said...

Not so great on the quiz but still top ten?

grog said...

epic snob

Anonymous said...

Getting close!

GhostOfTyrone said...

Violently Bisexual Space Lizard 2012.

Stop wasting your votes on candidates who are all cool with the extraheterestrials on other worlds. Mannish up, America!

PawnShop said...

New prescription

Benny Kanya. said...

Spit my food out at "Violently Bisexual"

Anonymous said...

top 20 Gamester! -sir huggington

I am a fast engine said...

whoo whoo, I got a ticket, cops suck.

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kenny Banya said...

Friday!

FUNK WHIZ

Amy said...

I wonder what would happen if you put an iBike Dash on the Le Tour de France Indoor Cycling Bike?

Anonymous said...

Hills, lakes, mountains, scenery and you're riding a fucking stationary bike?

The helment's the least of my worries...

Anonymous said...

Unless of course the scenery is supposed to be metaphorical or something - that the tiny 6" display on the bars magically transports you to a virtual reality TdF stage where you can live out all your Fred fantasies.

If so I apologise for my presumptuousness...

Neil said...

off to shave my cat....

Anonymous said...

You're not using the word "hipster" enough lately. I personally would like to see more angry hipsters going on in circles about how much that word sucks.

Etherhuffer said...

@Neil: Beats shaving pussy

Marcel Da Chump said...

Reading tgs' epic podium comment, I was thinking: Joyce, but Benjamin didn't surprise me.


Wildcat Rock Machine,
This week's NewYork Observer has an article entitled BROOKLANDIA.

Anonymous said...

Is that what it's called these days?

Charlie Didrickson said...

cotton bibshirt is the new woolhat

crosspalms said...

How many gigawatts do I need to hit WHHHHS-1? And does that iBike Dash thing measure gigawatts? And what's the aerodynamic drag of a cockpit that has a light, a bell, a mirror, an iBike Dash and a dead squirrel?

Chazu said...

96+ degrees yesterday (not to mention the humidity), and there was a hipster next to me at a red light. He was wearing a wool cap.

He was cooler than me, but I was cooler than him.

Bret said...

I am pleased to report my first perfect quiz score since I started reading your blog way back in 2016.

rth said...

Did you know?: Companies are now placing the Time-Traveling Flavor-Saver Guy in their ads on purpose because it leads to broader exposure of their product through your blog.

ken e. said...

way down in the standings, and working on a friday, ughh! have a safe weekend all!

SNDG RDN
QUOT SA
MEAT PPTS

Anonymous said...

Regaurding the Special Frame Material Smugness-Themed Bonus Question is Steel more smug than Bamboo - the answer to that question is based on smugness data from yesterday. Have you checked the NYSE (New York Smugness Exchange) to see where it is valued today?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ken e. said...

whoops, queens of the stone age does not have a "U"

mikeweb said...

This week's quiz should've had a warning to don sunglasses before scrolling down.

My eyes!!

Salty and Sore said...

..(and by the way… why does everyone assume I was going downhill)

You're right. At that speed, we could equally assume that you're desperately escaping
West Seattle.

Udder said...

I think the guy that got caught speeding and bragged about how fast he rides has his bike computer incorrectly calibrated to 12" rims...

Anonymous Coward said...

Thanks to the lead out train I have reached termFredal velocity woohooo! Oh and perfect score.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm gonna buy one a' those 'pro-form tour de france bike trainers' & i'm gonna put a motor on it & mount it on wheels...

...then i'm gonna drive it over those inputted tour stages' whilst i ride those same stages at the same time on the trainer...

...ya follow me here ???...

...i'll call it a 'redundacycle'...

Anonymous said...

Knocked off my bike in to a taxi by a girl on a BMX in a London Critical Mass ride, just trying to ride home. They all started on the poor driver while I got up. With friends like these who needs enemies, c*$%s the lot of them.

Anonymous said...

You haven't mentioned the Pistadex in a while, but you should know that it is "strong" in Denver: $750 - http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/2447467751.html and $1300 - http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/2484839309.html

yogisurf said...

Laughing like a kookie FRED who won the sprint. These killed me:
--He's successfully written his name with his own urine

--Some Fred in a blue jersey just peed all over his bike

--The Wank-O-Tron 3000 self-pleasuring device

To quote Benny Kanyan, THAT'S GOLD, SNOBBY, GOLD!!!

yogisurf said...

OH, and I only missed one on the quiz, Damn Voormen Q.

yogisurf said...

Wow, I just read tgs' post...Don't let him borrow the Wank-O-Tron 3000 self-pleasuring device

City Walk said...

quiz sucked this week

Anonymous said...

No - YOU sucked this week.

ringcycles said...

Wildcat Rock Machine: You might want to lock your bedroom door. Señor Nonsequitorres looks more than non-plussed about his do, and Lob knows what a pissed off kitty can do to you in the middle of the night.

Arm Neilstrong said...

I was the first moon on the man man.

Panties! said...

Just hit 44.2 mph downhill on my bamboo-hoo-hoo fixie. Damn' planet is now bound to live for f'ing ever!

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

A friend of a friend asked me to ask you if you are "Just Kidding" about the Wank-a-Tron 3000 and if not how much would one cost?

Also what does the 3000 mean?

Bamboo Cycles said...

The Bamboocycle UH-02 is an urban cycle created with a sustainable and responsible design vision. UH-02 is simple, light (8.8kg) and stylish. It is designed for your daily commute to work, an adventure through the city or leisure riding on the weekends. It is designed to look and feel fresh in the urban visual culture and it comes in many different colors and styles to match your personality.

And it's not made by a company that has been reported to pollute the planet with poison like Calfee!

Craig Calfee makes bikes out of poison people. POISON!

Crabon fibre is killing the planet.

So he tries to cover his butt by making outrageously expensive bamboo bicycles that I hear, from reliable sources, should never touch even a drop of rain. A drop. Trust me on this.

For only $1,295, we can ship you a bike that's way better than that Calfee crap. Did I mention the rain thing?

Buy 7 of our bikes, and you'd still spend less than you'd spend for one of his personally-guilt-easing crap-cycles... which by the way I heard are made with child labor in China.

Bamboo Cycles. Don't Buy that Over-Priced Calfee Crap(TM).

Anonymous said...

42mph on a flat, without drafting? er, yeah, how about *BS* unless you're a pro.

btw, the speed limit doesn't apply to non-motorized vehicles in the United Isles of the British Kingdom. Also, if a copper ever tries to ticket you for the non-offence of speeding you can mock him openly, as he is only armed with a truncheon and sarcasm (although he may possibly have a taser...)

Anonymous said...

suspect that "speeder" doesn't realize he has his computer set to kilometres...

UrbanRidingTips said...

none out of eight on the quiz - again.

kept letting my shoulder parrot talk me out of my first instinct.

perplexed by comment number one. How did he type all that so fast?

TUCH TYPR
WOO HOO

Anonymous said...

...aye, and he might stop you for being somewhere that bikes aren't allowed to be..........although, in my defence, I was doing 38mph on a TT bike (with a tailwind) in a 40 limit.....it was good fun!

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

hey "Bamboo Cycles", your bikes have no brakes. just thought you ought to know.

Ziggg MacSmuggg said...

I have a bitch springer spaniel and she is a total vegetarian. I am the envy of my total social circle.

Unfortunately Queenie died of natural causes several months ago. So I had her stuffed and mounted by one of the best taxidermists in the lower 48.

She's still a vegitarian.

Anonymous said...

i hit whhhs-1 today descending the brooklyn side of the willie b on my fixie with no hands and eating a luna bar,,,

Centurion Pervis Prevertus said...

To whoever or whomever posted this link on Sir Snobbie's blog ...

http://hottybikes.tumblr.com/


Sir or Madam I am forever in your debt

leroy said...

My dog says it doesn't matter whether your name is written in urine.

What matters is whose doing the handwriting.

I told him if he ruins another rug, he's getting a hair cut like WRM's cat.

Ride continent all.

Alan lawson said...

Come to England, I was once pulled over at 45mph in a 30 limit, however when the officer contacted the station, he found that I could only be booked under the 1812 horse & carriage act of 'riding furiously'. Needless to say, I was let on my way. Good old quirky English laws!

bikesgonewild said...

...@bamboo cycles...

...what a bunch of self righteous cunts you are...

...just sayin'...

...sincerely, bikesgonewild...

SteveL said...

42 mph with a trailer? I've done more than that with a small child on a tagalong: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzpHQunWDQg . That's on an MTB too, not a road bike, though with semi-slick tyres on.

bikesgonewild said...

...@urban riding tips...simple...

...open bike snob nyc @ the latest post & prepare to "reload" constantly, whether it be manually or automatically...

...as you'll notice, several people will always be better at this than you...pretty much every time...

...nonetheless, open another tab, go to 'bike snob nyc' again & then down to 'post a comment'...

...import or write out whatever drivel you'd care to have associated with your name & then simply highlight it & hit 'copy' (under 'edit' in the titlebox)...

...now, with your comment ready to be 'pasted', be it original or simply copied as tgs's was, go back to your original bsnyc/wildcat rock machine column & wait anxiously, whilst constantly reloading, until the the latest column appears & then try not to blow it as you highlight the new title & immediately scroll down, once more hitting 'post a comment', clicking on the comment box & then hitting 'paste' & quickly follow it with "publish your comment"...

...you will undoubtedly have not even make the podium but remember, you're going up against trained professionals /slash/ computer geeks who happen to ride bikes & whose bosses will allow them to get away with this stuff whilst at work...

...i myself have done it along with other regulars, thus supposedly appearing cool in the eyes of other bsnyc readers...or not...

...g'head, waste even more time on this stuff...like i said, it's simple & you too could be a winner, ya ???...

Ilja Nieuwland said...

Ah yes, I remember doing about 80 kph descending Mont Ventoux. This was followed by gradual deceleration whilst moving away airborne from my then stationary bicycle, followed by a longish spell of doing 0 kph (although some of my previously internal fluids were slightly faster) and, finally, about 50 kph en route to the hospital. I rarely progress much faster than 35 kph these days. Something with donkeys and stones.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@bgw
Nice essay. You should title: "Keys to success in the bsnyc/rtms/wrm comment peloton"

Anonymous said...

Hey bgs

Give us an upskirt, eh?

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

Bamboo Cycles said...

you internet Tough Girl you

bikesgonewild said...

...hey bamboo cycles...gimme an address & i'll gladly come over & piss on the boss's desk...

...& if your site had an obvious 'contact' spot & believe me, i looked, i would have left the same comment there...

...you remain, in my book, a bunch of self righteous cunts...

bikesgonewild said...

...@recumbent conspiracy theorist...

...i kinda feel like bernard hinault, every time a long rambling post wins top step on the podium, having 'been there, done that' long ago...

...enjoy your weekend, even if you pedal all laid back n' sitting down...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Hinault's team wore those cool-looking, Broadway Boogie Woogie jerseys.
Or was it Lemond's team?

Bamboo Cycles Hearts Old Women said...

We are in Mexico, Senora.

Come visit us in Tijuana.

An added benefit for you, our border pharmacies are filled with post-menopausal drugs you'd benefit from Senora Bikesgonewild.....

And no one wants to even think of you urinating Senora. The horror... The horror.

JDH said...

@BAMBOO CYCLES"
GODDAMITT DON'T DO THAT AGAIN OK?

Anonymous said...

i'm not bragging but if 47mph or whatever is fast i hit 60mph going down the Pali highway towards kailua if i didn;t brake i would have gone 80mph and died but the traffic is crazy here yes if you know where i'm writing about people do ride their bikes down and up the Pali highway But it is for Everyone.

Anonymous said...

wait it's NOT everyone

bikesgonewild said...

...that's it huh ???...that's your best shot ???...

...if you pathetic little scumbags had any real balls, the ones most surprised would be you...

...you can personally call me whatever comes to your sad, pathetic, tiny brains but maybe somebody should get in touch with your local 'better business bureau' & let 'em know how you belittle, denigrate & lie about a competitors company now that you've jumped on his bandwagon...

...tijuana - ya, like you'd operate where you'd have to be concerned about things like 'business ethics'...

...excuse the fuck out a' me for being so stupid......

leroy said...

Oh dear. This is embarrassing.

It's "Bamboocycles," not "Bamboosicles."

I almost ordered a dozen to store in the freezer for visiting pandas.

Thank goodness my dog borrowed my credit card this weekend.

THE TROGGGS said...

WILD THANG!

YOU MAKE EVERYTHANG GRROOOVVVVVEEEYYYYYYYY!

Jimi said...

WILD THANG
I THINK I LOVE YOU

bikesgonewild said...

..actually leroy, they'd be aptly named 'bamboozle cycles'...

...anybody who rides the coattails of someone else into an industry years afterwards & yet proceeds to denigrate that vanguard for their own self interests is trying to bamboozle the public...

...but please, discuss this with your dog...i don't wanna drag you into my fight...

Jimi at Monterey said...

BUT I WANNA KNOW FOR SURE!

BBB of Mexico said...

No need to contact us, we are looking into this matter.

We take a very, very dim view of belittling.

Reg Presley said...

COME ON
AND...HOLD ME TIGHT

Self-obsessed & Sexee said...

@THE TROGGS, JIMI, JIMI AT MONTEREY, REG PRESLEY, BGW, LEROY, AND EVERYONE ELSE--except bamboo psychos,


YOU MOOOOVVVVE ME.

Anonymous said...

last.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to report a retro-fred spotting on the homepage at http://wheelsets101.com/

Anonymous said...

LAST.

cwg said...

can't do too much self-abuse or biking? guess i was wrong.

website hosting india said...

Every sunday i enjoyed to bike riding. It's my routine habit. every day god's give some new things in our life. so live on your own way.

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Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

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Wow you've been using that woohoo speed sign forever

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