Friday, July 8, 2011

BSNYC Friday Grammer Rodeo and Spealing Bee!

Yesterday, I mentioned an article in the current issue of the The New Yorker. The article was called "Climbers," and it concerned cycling in Rwanda. Here's a link to the summary, and here's a picture of the picture from it once again:



At the time I first mentioned it I hadn't finished it, but I have since found sufficient bathroom time to do so, and not to be a noodge or anything but I'd just like to reiterate that the article is well worth reading. It was a genuine pleasure to read bike racing-themed prose that didn't consist of doping-related moralizing, or effusive product reviews, or people with $2,000 wheels and electronic shifting complaining that their Cat 4 race results weren't posted online quickly enough. (Hint: if you don't know where you placed, you lost, and I say this as someone who has a perfect record of losing.)

I should also point out that I don't exclude my own prose from the Canon of Inanity, and in fact yesterday I was taken to task by a reader for using the "h" word. (If you don't know what the "h" word is, click here.) Now, he had some legitimate concerns, but the problem remains: what am I supposed to call someone riding a $3,000 track bike, sporting $5,000 in tattoo ink, and wearing a shirt like this when it's 60 degrees?

(The rapper Meh-minem prepares to rob a fixie boutique.)

When you see a fellow in a Primal jersey riding a top-of-the-line Madone with roughly 19 feet of headset spacers and an adjustable stem, you call him a "Fred." When you see a person riding a time trial bike in a tank top and hot pants, you call him a "tri geek." When you see a rider in a Saxo Bank jersey on the side of the road throwing his bike into a ditch in frustration, you call him "Alberto Contador." When you see someone on a recumbent with a beard of fire and a homemade machine gun turret mounted to his cockpit, you don't call him anything. Instead, you run, run, run!

So why don't we get to call the guy in the fixed-gear turtleneck anything? He's not dangerous, even though he tries to look it. What makes him so special that he doesn't get a goofy name like the rest of us do? Plus, more importantly, if we don't call him anything it means that wearing a $120 shirt on your face in mild weather is normal, which it most decidedly isn't, no matter how "fast" you are.

And trust me, I'm under no illusions that I don't look ridiculous myself. I went in for a haircut yesterday and the barber took one look at me and said, "You must be a writer." In terms of personal grooming habits, this is a moment of clarity akin to waking up after a bender with no pants on and your head in a public toilet. It's when you realize something's got to change.

Still, maybe we need to diffuse the "h" word in the way we defused that other "h" word by saying "helment" instead. Maybe the "h" word will go down a bit easier if we call shirt-on-face guy and his ilk "hilpsters." Sure, it's a little extra typing, but I'm fine with it if you are. The last thing I want to do is hurt anybody's feelings.

Lastly, it's interesting (at least to me as an amateur pop culture linguist) to note that, like the "h" word, the word "fixie" was also once in common parlance but is now considered off-limits. This is because it has been rejected by the sorts of people who discovered the bikes just a few years ago. (That is to say, "hilpsters.") Oddly, this only makes the word "fixie" more fun to say, and I now find myself going out of the way to use it. From this I draw two conclusions: 1) People don't like when you remind them that there's an old name for what they're doing because it makes them feel less original, and 2) I am kind of a dick.

And lastly lastly, don't confuse the word "parlance" with the word "palance."

Finally, post-penultimately, I'll remind you to please note that my Bicycling.com Tour de France-themed postings continue (though not necessarily on a daily basis) and if you care to know when they're published simply check my Tweeter.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a short quiz after a short week. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then palance, and if you're wrong you'll see crazy hilpsters.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you get chilly you can always save $120 and pull your shirt over your face.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





(20th century vocabulary, 21st century open-mindedness--just don't get him started on the Jews.)

1) Which culturally insensitive term did Phil Liggett use while commentating on this year's Tour de France?





(Topless trackstands are timeless.)

2) Solo trackstands are out; two-man trackstands are in.





3) The latest in organic bicycle frame building material is:




("This ain't no hilpster shilt.")

4) The "h" word may very well be the most loaded word of 2011.






("Sign my manifest, baby.")

5) "Alleycats" are outlaw bicycle races meant to replicate the workday of an urban messenger--assuming that messenger works in:



136 comments:

RANTWICK said...

here!

3G said...

Diggity

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

Pody?

wp said...

top ten yo

Kenny Banya said...

GC Contender

Anonymous said...

Bromptoneer!

RANTWICK said...

WOOOOO HOOOO (that felt, like, 46MPH!)

theEel said...

topteneel!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment

Kenny said...

Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round!

Anonymous said...

Clenbuterbrod!!!

Anonymous said...

huggy 12th?

crosspalms said...

"no pants on and your head in a pubic toilet"

ant1 said...

ant1st!

yogisurf said...

Bike throwing Finger Banger.

hillbilly said...

foxy ladies!

Eric Lowe said...

A pubic toilet, is an ironic toilet.

Anonymous said...

Hipster, hipster, HIPSTER!

H-I-P-S-T-E-R!!!

Get over it, or get some jeans that fit.



Balls.

Anonymous said...

Defuse, not diffuse, I think. And the aforementioned pubic. Remember the rule: Public with an L, like hilpster.

Bike Tolssing Fanger Binger said...

Filxies are folr allleyclats.

SWorks frisbee: Le Tour Edition.

rcyran said...

Diffuse if the answer to hipster pollution is dilution.

Defuse if the hipster's just waiting to explode.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Oops! Thanks for the corrections.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

I am a pacifist engine said...

recumbants with machine guns are always a bad thing.

An armed population is a polite population.

I now have solved the women not biking problem, arm all of them women, and I cant see any possible problems.

Meh

Anonymous said...

Snob, you are a funny guy.

Like baiting hipsters with "fixie", at the seattle book signing last year, you said Ore-a-gone, instead of Org-in like they say here, and then you paused for the snickering. Classic PNW smug-baiting. That was funny, and a great show.

--Anonymous

Randoboy said...

Diagon Alley Cat. For The Hipster Who Shall Not Be Named.

crosspalms said...

I watched that whole video and didn't see Jack Palance once. Unless he was the blue guy. Or one of the gorillas. Maybe I'll watch it again. And again...

American Bamboo Society said...

The vertical compliance of bone is well documented as adequate for use in bicycling, but it's lateral stiffness makes it an unacceptable material for use in more rugged bicycling applications like racing and recumbents.

Craig Calfee, world famous bamboo-ologist, spent the late 1970's reseaching and testing bone for industrial design applications. But eventually found it lacking.

The material he moved on to?

BAMBOO!

For a history of bamboo bicycles and their use in the bicycling industry, visit the Calfee Design site at

http://www.calfeedesign.com/products/bamboo/

and be sure to click on the Bamboo Bicycle Timeline. Riveting is use of bamboo bicycles in World War I.

Don't miss the smoked and heat treated bamboo tubing sustainably farmed from Sri Lanka on the exquisite "Bamboo - Mountain Complete,", MSRP $5,852.

Order now, supplies are limited.

Bamboo. It's what people who really love the earth bicycle on (TM).

crosspalms said...

I think I hear the ghost of Jimi singing "Fixie Lady"

Terre Haute Karl said...

I want to be different, like everybody else I want to be like. I want to be just like all the different people, I have no further interest in being the same,
because I have seen difference all around,
and now I know that that's what I want
I don't want to blend in and be indistinguishable,
I want to be a part of the different crowd,
and assert my individuality along with the others
who are different like me

Clinton Bixby said...

So how is the colored boy doing in the standings, and did Phil ever apologize for using such a racially-charged word?

Has Phil told us how many Dagos, Polacks and Newfies are ahead of the colored boy in GC?

The Abrahammer said...

Shouldn't they be giving away a merlin at the diagon alleycat?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

did he say "colored" or "coloured"?

J. Scott. SBC Engine. said...

Hey Bamboo Society. Why don't you make like a tree and leaf. Scram. Beat it. Get gone.

Respectfully yours,

Anon 1:37's love slave.

Marcel Da Chump said...

I can still hear Phil Liggett screaming: Dmajoldine Andujaparov!

Rabbi Makim Ben Dover said...

Haircut? Do tell. I was under the impression that BSNYC was a Nazirite.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazirite

At least I hope he did not cut off his Payot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Payot

sherpa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Etherhuffer said...

Would would supplies be limited on bamboo bikes? Half of Asia is covered in this stuff! Maybe its really rare bamboo.

Anonymous said...

But what do you call a female Fred? It's bad enough I'm a dork, do I have to have a masculine name too?

Anonymous said...

haha, just read the idiot MASH defender from yesterday.

"anyone how has any interests perceived as esoteric.This includes going to museums, seeing living music or reading a book."

Well, as was pointed out, I guess your lack of self-awareness won't quickly be corrected, since self-criticism is kept at bay. I suppose your parents always said you were good and special, so you can't believe that by following the paint-by-numbers hipster blueprint, you are somehow completely oblivious to your own consumer narrative.

That's the stupidity of aimless, narcissistic, hipster culture. Everyone is an artist, and must record their every move so they can be lauded and appraised like children.

Kickstarter is the hipster bastion of people trying to weasel money for their stupid parties and uncreative "artistic" ventures.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/759959175/new-orleans-mardi-gras-unicorn-ride-through-nyc

I think funding of actual art is important, and this was cute to see, but $4000 is a lot of money that could have gone to a much better cause. I saw this contraption in person the other day and thought, "that's fun. I like it."

I can't believe people actually gave her over 4 grand to do this. Were no other charities accepting money at that time?

Heck, I can't believe she would have the gall to *ask* for people to give her money for this.

Uber Fred said...

Anon 2:17- fecking spot on!

Tattoo artist to hipster: "What do you want?"
Hipster: "Full sleeves."
Tattoo guy- "What designs you want?"
Hipster- "I don't care just give me full sleeves, NOW?"

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, so if I want to avoid offending the hilpsters, what do I call their bikes if not "fixies"?

lolwut said...

from my understanding, ligget lives in s. africa where "coloured" is a commonly used term. it doesn't mean black though.

PhilboydStunge said...

Anon 2:15,
How about Ginger, is that too dated? Elaine could work but I actually like her. Snobby says an extra 'L' makes it, how about Fled?

PhilboydStunge said...

Anon 2:15,
I got it! Wilma.

Stupid Name said...

I thought we covered this before.

Female freds are wilma's,
Betty's only if no visible tatoo's, and less than 100 pounds.

Sexist enough for you?

Chazu said...

Homeless? Or Hipster?

Anonymous Cloward said...

"and 2) I am kind of a dick"
Ha ha aha hahahaha ahahha ha - now that is funny.

Indy Falconheads said...

We are all "dicks" snobby.

You just have the balls to admit it.

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

< Diagon Alley Cat >

The bishop won it.

hey nonny mouse

Its dangerous business walking... said...

worlds smallest velodrome.............. in Iowa of all places. http://www.kcci.com/video/28479683/detail.html

All kinds of bikes showed up for you to pick on... from fixies, to bmx, a couple mt bikes and even a tandem.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10100214639382920&set=a.10100104169560330.2524998.16900197&type=1&theater

g-roc said...

Mmm, entrails. So glad I read this on my lunch break. You brought be back with the recumbent rider of the apocalypse. Gold Snobby, GOLD!

-zen coasting

g-roc said...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne - I believe his NBC/VS contract required him to Americanize it just like everything else he's forced to talk about, so colored.

Anonymous said...

The wrong answer video is excruciatingly long and dull (at least by Youtube standards); I watched the whole thing and now feel appropriately shamed for not having studied hard enough.

Also, bone bike is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Oh, go ahead and use hipster. They don't like to hear the truth!

*Hipster friend of mine recently visited NY and wanted to be sure I knew that he made "good use" of the many bike lanes in NYC--on a bicycle--on this visit. I was unimpressed because I knew that, in true hipster style, he was only doing it because now it's "cool."

Anonymous said...

65º and sunny yesterday, and I saw a guy riding down N. Lights Blvd in jeans, a down jacket, backpack, and what I believe was a ski helment. Just looking at the guy made me sweat.

The hilpster look has been trickling into Anchorage over the last few years, mostly in the form of ex-Portlandeers, although it me a while to notice since beards and flannel have been a staple of Alaskan fashion for as long as I've been alive. Luckily I can still count the number of fixies that I've seen up here on one hand.

Anonymous said...

consumerists?

Anonymous said...

Wow, topical:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/cwnevius/detail?entry_id=92751

Anonymous said...

Poseurs?

Jasper said...

Well, CWNevius is an old crank, though at least he is man enough to admit it, and doesn't always care for bicycles. It's a shame we couldn't keep all the hipsters herded down in the Mission, they had to go and colonise another 'edgy' part of town...
I like the joke in the comments, for those who can't be arsed to look at either the article or the comments:

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

Anonymous said...

Uber Fred,

Exactly. I have my parents money to throw away and I'm just going to go into a tattoo parlor and point at something, nomatter what, and say COOL. They dont have to mean anything, just as long as I don't look suburban anymore. I'm vaguely aware of "authenticity", enough to know I don't have it. I'm also a big pussy that has no meaning, so I'm going to just buy something that can replace actual experiences. Those would take time and/or creativity.

No, I'm not a sailor, I just bought all these trendy tats bc I live in a land of make believe. Again, I like tattoos and bikes, etc, but I dont think they lend me any "cred". I admit they just appeal to my own tastes. Nothing else.

Marcel Da Chump said...

It'll just take a great song with 'hipster' in it for those cats to accept themselves. Like this one:


I belong to the blank generation and
I can take it or leave it each time
I belong to the_____generation, but
I can take it or leave it each time

BLANK GENERATION
(excerpt from Richard Hell & the Voidoids)

Anonymous said...

To keep your writing fresh, avoid these tired words and phrases:

Trope
Meme
Douchebag (Douche is still ok)
Hipster
All about
Outside the box
That guy
Jumping the shark

Anonymous said...

Perhaps he meant "coloured." The term is neither culturally insensitive nor derogatory in South Africa (where Liggett resides part-time), but refers to people of mixed race. Cf. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coloured

Anonymous said...

That's retarded. Not expecting Snob to bag on hipsters is like going to a Richard Pryor gig and being offended when he uses the N word.

You know what he's about, this blog has been here for years. If you don't like it because you just don't enjoy the humor or some of it hits too close to home for you to take, I don't understand why you read it and complain.

I mean, I don't watch Fox news. I know I'm going to get ideologically slanted interpretation. Why would I then state the obvious when it doesn't do what I like?

Thanks for the tip said...

Others to avoid:
to keep your writing fresh
tired words and phrases

Anonymous said...

This ain't no hipster shit

Anonymous said...

You know what's funny? Eben himself said that Anon1:37's criticisms were fair. You guys however, are getting all in a pinch about it. Maybe you should think a little more and rant a little less.
From now on I'll no longer be calling myself
Anon 1:37

Anonymous said...

Anon non-1:37,

Of course you have a right to criticize. Just like we do (in rant form or otherwise) over your sophomoric diatribes. It's all gravy, baby. You're just silly and not very thought-out in your complaints. There are plenty of ways to criticize snob or any other commenter, just do it....well...better and more insightfully/intelligently.

g-roc said...

Yeah, I'll give anon non 1:37 credit where credit's due. I'm too lazy to complain so I would have just stopped reading if I got bored of it. Still, majority rules, so no need to genuflect.

This ain't no hilpster shilt.

Etherhuffer said...

Way back, way wAy back, frat boys always wore flip flops, shorts and a ski jacket in winter at UW in seattle. In summer it was any pants sans socks. No socks was frat boy ID in the 70's. Proto hipsters?

Anonymous said...

Hipsters are like hippies, in that long after they are gone except for a few holdouts, morons who felt left out at the time will still be blaming them for everything bad that happens and screaming with rage about them.

Proto-Hipster said...

Wearing all black is cliche', but it will get ya laid. A Camaro and a leather jacket are so frat, but they will get ya laid. Beating your girlfriend to a pulp is so not cool, but if you dress in black, drive a Camaro, she will still give it up.

Anonymous said...

Under 30? Hipster!
Over 30? Aging hipster!

Facial hair, under 30? Hipster!
Facial hair, over 30? Recumbent rider!
Are female? Cycle chic fashionista who oughta get run over and learn a real lesson about riding in the big city!

Ride a bike that isn't a cheap commuter? Hipster!
Ride a road bike and not in the pro peloton? Fred!
Ride a cheap commuter or a cargo bike? Smug!
Ride a dutch bike? Fashionista cycle chic!

This shit just writes itself. Where's my magazine contract?

Anonymous said...

good lawd! what's with all you ball suckers the last couple days. if bagging on hipsters is so passe, why are you dipshits all up in arms? is it cause you wanna reclaim the moniker and make it respectable again? you just prove how appropriate it is to both use the word to describe them/you and ridicule you for your nonsense. it's like the new carly simon song: youre so hipster i bet you think i'm hating on you when i say hipster.

fucking hipsters, gotta ruin everything. now your gonna ruin the comments section of this blog with your bullshit.

ce said...

KILL BENT

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well I do have a pair of those skinny pants... nahh.

Anonymous said...

Once again, Anon 1:37, er, 6:50 completely misses the point. Not worth explaining to you further.

I don't know if the truth hurts, or if you are just so gluttonous for punishment that you keep reading if you don't like the blog. Again, skewering some aspects of it might be entertaining, but you're just whining about something you don't like. Did mommy not give you enough building blocks to do something on your own? Boo hoo hoo

Anonymous said...

Panties!
Hilpster toples trackstand panties!
Fixie panties!
Panties!

glad im not merckx said...

"Bamboo. It's what people who really love the earth bicycle on (TM)." That's whatever's beyond smug. I think the word is . . . STUPID! Just think how much CO2 the bamboo could process out of the atmosphere if it weren't slaughtered to make fixies for uber-smug hipsters. Meanwhile I ride my used steel Trek and keep its carbon (manufacturing steel requires carbon, not crabon) locked away safely in the frame. The bamboo boneheads are like the dufuses (dufii?) who run their computers non-stop to avoid ever printing an email and congratulate themselves on saving the planet, no thought given to how much electricity they're wasting. And all this time, I thought I was loving the Earth. . . . Just what is this strange planet I love, with its yellow sun and fresh breezes that blow in my freddish face as I coast down hills at 35 mph saying whoo hoo hoo if not the Earth?

Anonymous said...

Attention New Yorkers! Are you aware of the terrorist threat presented by bike lanes? ARE YOU?!?

http://gothamist.com/2011/07/08/local_tv_reporter_warns_of_bike_lan.php

I guess that sticker on my co-worker's whip is a lie: that bike IS a pipe bomb!

Anonymous said...

Oops. Try this:

http://gothamist.com/2011/07/08/
local_tv_reporter_warns_of_bike_lan.php

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

God damn it! One last time:

http://tinyurl.com/3ltdzvu

Terrorists!!

ce said...

The UCI needs to get real, they should either drop equipment restrictions altogether, or go all the way and restrict equipment to the point that an average Rwandan can afford to be competitive. I suspect the UCI has enough pride to never allow recumbents out of the closet, so the second option seems to be the more realistic one. An egalitarian pro peloton would roll by on early 90's department store mountain bikes, and include some cool new team names, such as: "LAY-oh-pard WILDCAT". I just makes so much sense.

ken e. said...

FUNI PEPL
HILP STER
SUNI DAYS

Anonymous said...

The Bamboo Society is kind of the Scientologist of the bicycling cycling community.

Trek Lepperd said...

@ce

That's a great idea, but it would totally wreck the fred economy, which I suspect is mostly what has kept us afloat the past couple of years. I suppose the dentists could pay absurd prices for questionable coaching or something.

Oh, wait.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Since the dawn of time, or at least Disco, philosophers have queried:

"What is hip? What is hip today?"

The only satisfactory answer:

"What is hip today, might become passe.".

Ride hip all!

Anonymous said...

Hilpster is too hard to say.

Hopster
Hepster
Hupster
Hipstar
Hepstar

All these avoid the extra typing!

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
studioe said...

LAST!

You're a bastard snobbie for not linking the rest of the topless track chick pix.

bikesgonewild said...

...scary stuff. i'm seeing spots before my eyes...

...oh, wait - it's okay, it's just htc - highroads t.j. van garderen in the polka dot jersey...

...props, kid !!!...

Jaques Strappe said...

-TdF NEWSFLASH-

THOR HUSHOVD HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR LUTEFISK TESTOSTERONE.

Fester ld Douche' said...

Is there really a law in New York City that one must be gay or bi to legally shave their legs and display the same in pubic?

Marc said...

Still trying to wrap my brain around "post-penultimate"

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else reading Liz Hatch's TdF tweets? wtf is she on???

Marcel Da Chump said...

Broom Wagon

Punchless Pilot said...

"C!"

'THE CIPO' said...

I love to go clubbing. The Ritzy Euro-Trash club scene. I sneak into the ladies room and write on the wall "THE CIPO' has 260mm+. Then when I get the ladies alone and they see that we are in reality talking 300mm+ they just go crazy!

In answer to your question ...

Yes it is great being 'THE CIPO'

... said...

hat schon einer bemerkt das der topless trackstand

1. steinalt ist
2. photoshot
3. demzuflaokge schiezdruaf

4. die frage auf grund der fragwürdigkeit des buildes hinlämgloich hinfälllig wird....a fuck I douzed off

Nogocyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nogocyclist said...

Jaques Strappe, The UCI reviewed Thor's case and decided that anyone who ate enough lutefisk to test positive was not guilty of doping. At least not a for a performance enhancing substance. The only way someone could eat enough lutefisk to gain a performance edge would require them to be placed in a coma first.

Because the effects of coming out of the coma would offset the effects of the testosterone, it has been decided that the use of lutefisk supplements are allowable, but definitely not recommended.

The UCI recommends the use of Durian Fruit instead.

P. Mooney said...

the H word? Honkeys?

I am an impressed engine said...

Anon 3:44

Liz Hatch can write, or at least tap a keyboard?

Damn that is a talented woman.

Zip said...

Hey guys, I hope you realize that the topless girl doing a track stand is a photo shop? I know, cause that girl is me, and I definitely can't do a no-handed track stand. That shop has been passed around since about 2006... no clue who did it.

Anonymous said...

Bone bikes. Great, now my bike can tear a meniscus too.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

Interesting - the wrong answer to Q1 "WASP" is the name of the bike in the youtube 1958 cycling safety video (at 3:13)

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kamagra said...

Nice one,love the pictures and your pose.

Fixie Bikes said...

Over priced but atleast it looks cool.

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