BSNYC Friday Ant Farm!

Further to yesterday's post, as the "droppage" date for the Travel Channel series "Triple Rush" draws ever closer, I am experiencing increasing levels of anxiety and apprehension. Sure, it may be just another in the endless procession of cable TV shows about cake-bakers and dog-whisperers and spoiled housewives and washed-up rock stars and snarky gourmands and bounty hunters and prisoners and people who hunt for ghosts, but the truth is I don't have a vested interest in any of these subjects (though arguably I am something of a spoiled housewife, and I am haunted by the ghost of Larry King, even though he's still alive). Cycling, on the other hand, is a subject that is important to me, so I can't help feeling a lot like Thornton Wilder probably would have if he was about to watch an all-monkey production of "Our Town."

Somehow, the simple act of riding a bicycle for transportation has become one of the most politically charged acts in the United States, right up there with Qur'an burning and making g-strings out of the American flag. It is my most fervent wish that this were not the case, since the last thing I feel like doing when I hop aboard my Big Dummy is making some sort of statement. (I feel like my Stars and Stripes g-string and handlebar-mounted Qur'an-fueled hibachi are more than enough in that regard.) Unfortunately though, I know there are people in New York City who hate me just because I'm riding a bike, and I don't really see this sort of thing helping:

Triple Rush - Extended Trailer from Triple Rush on Vimeo.

Then again, maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe the cast of "Triple Rush" will become the most beloved characters in America, and after bearing witness to their tribulations non-cyclists will come to empathize with not only them but with anybody who chooses to travel by bicycle. Instead of reviling me or treating me with indifference, perhaps they will cheer me. "Make way for the cyclist!," they will cry. "He may be in the midst of a 'triple rush!' We must help him achieve his goal! For if he does, he will earn an additional ten dollars, and he will ultimately return that money unto the community!"

Either that, or it will just serve to validate their feelings that anybody on a bike is a reckless idiot.

Meanwhile, yesterday I also mentioned the woman who was almost doored by an undercover cop, who then arrested her:

If you'd like to read the story in her own words, you may do so here, and following is an excerpt:

He skidded his car perpendicular to traffic, blocking my path. Ok, now I'm REALLY scared. I got off my bike and started to walk it up to the side walk between the parked cars. That's when he got out of the vehicle and grabbed me from behind.

Such, I suppose, is the irony of cycling in New York City today. Those who court danger theatrically wind up on reality shows, and those who simply go about their business in an unassuming fashion wind up in handcuffs.

So what are we to do? Well, I know what I'm doing: Nothing. This is because I know that celebrity bicycle super-advocate David Byrne is going to arrive at any moment and save the day:

"I don't own a car!," he will exclaim as the NYPD's bullets bounce off of his plaid leisure wear and he hurls pie plates at his attackers with smugly non-lethal accuracy.

As for the rest of you who have less faith than I do, you can join this smug photo-op in defense of the controversial Prospect Park West bike lane, which has become the Gaza Strip of Street Furniture:

As a user of the bike lane I'd be there myself, if only I weren't so heavily favored to win this weekend's Paris-Roubaix.

Nevertheless, as dire as things may seem, we can at least console ourselves in the knowledge that we are living in something of a golden age for car-themed "collabo" bikes. Not only can you purchase a Renovo rolling cutting board with an Audi logo on it:

But you can also buy a limited edition Maserati track bike:

At €3,600 (which is incalculable in American "money"), at first glance this may seem overpriced, but consider the following:

--It has "particular curvatures on the saddle tube and on the rear vertical covers to exalt comfort and the reactivity to the use;"

--It has a "special steel fork with straight and asymmetric covers to balance torsions generated by the disk break;"

--It has a "gasket in forged aluminium at fixed connection, rear hub with an integrated pinion and a free wheel selector of functioning."

This last feature is especially attractive, because while bicycles with "fixed connections" may be extremely popular right now it's always nice to have the option to use "a free wheel selector of functioning" as well.

Also, the frames are "made-to-measure to fit the rider perfectly," though they only come in "three different kind of frame: S-M-L." Because nobody approximates a frame like the Italians.

Personally, when it comes to cycling exotica, I prefer to find mine on Craigslist, and a reader informs me that someone is selling a sweet "wife oil" with front and rear Spingergys:

TREK Y CARBON FIBER TYOCLV 22 FULL SUSPENSION WITH SPINERGY WHEELS - $700 (GENEVA, IL)
Date: 2011-04-07, 1:36AM CDT
Reply to: [deleted]

UP FOR SALE IS A ONE OF A KIND TREK Y TYOCLV 22 FULL SUSPENSION CARBON FIBER BIKE WITH TONS OF AFTER MARKET CUSTOM PARTS..

ALL SHIMANO SHIFTERS AND BRAKES... SPINERGY WHEELS, PROFILE HANDLEBARS, ROCK SHOCK FRONT AND REAR SHOCKS ETC..

A TRUE ONE OF A KIND BEAUTI.. I JUST DON'T USE IT ANY MORE.. CALL TO PICK UP 630-640-[deleted]


I can't imagine a finer bike to ride to the Prospect Park West bike lane smug-in.

Lastly, while I've resolved many times to no longer mention the exploits of hated minimalist, Ev "57 Things Guy" Bogue, I think I'd be remiss in not sharing his most recent blog post, in which he reveals his obsession with actor James Franco:

Apparently, if you want to be as successful as Ev Bogue and James Franco, the key is to "act gayer than you are:"

We’d all do well to walk the gender line a little closer than we do. Do you feel gayer than you are? Well, act that way. It’ll make you more successful like James Franco. Just don’t ever answer the question if you’re asked flat out whether you make out with girls or boys. Are you pansexual or polyamorous? Still no answer. Let everyone talk about it at the dining room table, it’ll generate hype for your immersive career.

Great advice. Think about it: Nelson Mandela never answered the question of whether or not he makes out with girls or boys either. Anyway, Bogue then asks the repulsive question that was on absolutely nobody's mind:

Would I have a threesome with James and a steaming hot not-to-be-named here beautiful woman? I can’t answer that.

Sadly, I feel that with this post Bogue may have exhausted the last of his publicity-seeking gambits--not with a bang, but with a contrived and sexually ambiguous whimper. In a way, I kind of wish it hadn't ended like this. He was fascinatingly infuriating for awhile, and he had a good run with the Apple products and the purple tank tops and the counting of all the stuff in his apartment, but now he's been forced to resort to trying to make people care whether or not he's gay. It's sort of the minimalist version of making Internet videos about how you're "winning."

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a short quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're right, and if you're wrong you'll see fashion advice.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride fashionably.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Which is not a piece of advice from the Travel Channel's "Bike Messenger Gear Guide?"

--"Chain locks are a necessary fashion accessory."
--"Tiny pockets come in handy for small items such as cell phones"
--"No matter how small or big, the items that each bike messenger carries are important to someone."
--"Helmets are required by law for all working cyclists in New York City and are probably a good idea if you plan on riding against traffic directly into taxi cabs to please reality show producers"

2) Frank Schleck recently came under UCI scrutiny for:

--Not reporting his whereabouts while on vacation

--Sleeping in an altitude tent

--Using a CamelBak

--Placing a Clenbuterol-tainted steak over a black eye

("And sorry dude, you are wrong about fenders. If it rains take the bus.")

3) In New York City, a Big Wheel is faster than a bus.

--True

--False

4) What is celebrity hillbomber Emi Brown's advice to "superduperfilthyassnastyassnate"?

--Use lower gearing

--Get a brake

--Get a freehub and a derailleur

--Ingest glycomaize, glucosamine and fish oil

5) If actor Tracy Morgan was not in show business, he would be a bicycle messenger.

--True

--False

("There's something I don't own. Can you guess what?")

6) David Byrne does not own a:

--Car

--Car

--Car

--Car