Friday, April 8, 2011

BSNYC Friday Ant Farm!

Further to yesterday's post, as the "droppage" date for the Travel Channel series "Triple Rush" draws ever closer, I am experiencing increasing levels of anxiety and apprehension. Sure, it may be just another in the endless procession of cable TV shows about cake-bakers and dog-whisperers and spoiled housewives and washed-up rock stars and snarky gourmands and bounty hunters and prisoners and people who hunt for ghosts, but the truth is I don't have a vested interest in any of these subjects (though arguably I am something of a spoiled housewife, and I am haunted by the ghost of Larry King, even though he's still alive). Cycling, on the other hand, is a subject that is important to me, so I can't help feeling a lot like Thornton Wilder probably would have if he was about to watch an all-monkey production of "Our Town."

Somehow, the simple act of riding a bicycle for transportation has become one of the most politically charged acts in the United States, right up there with Qur'an burning and making g-strings out of the American flag. It is my most fervent wish that this were not the case, since the last thing I feel like doing when I hop aboard my Big Dummy is making some sort of statement. (I feel like my Stars and Stripes g-string and handlebar-mounted Qur'an-fueled hibachi are more than enough in that regard.) Unfortunately though, I know there are people in New York City who hate me just because I'm riding a bike, and I don't really see this sort of thing helping:

Triple Rush - Extended Trailer from Triple Rush on Vimeo.

Then again, maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe the cast of "Triple Rush" will become the most beloved characters in America, and after bearing witness to their tribulations non-cyclists will come to empathize with not only them but with anybody who chooses to travel by bicycle. Instead of reviling me or treating me with indifference, perhaps they will cheer me. "Make way for the cyclist!," they will cry. "He may be in the midst of a 'triple rush!' We must help him achieve his goal! For if he does, he will earn an additional ten dollars, and he will ultimately return that money unto the community!"

Either that, or it will just serve to validate their feelings that anybody on a bike is a reckless idiot.


If you'd like to read the story in her own words, you may do so here, and following is an excerpt:

He skidded his car perpendicular to traffic, blocking my path. Ok, now I'm REALLY scared. I got off my bike and started to walk it up to the side walk between the parked cars. That's when he got out of the vehicle and grabbed me from behind.

Such, I suppose, is the irony of cycling in New York City today. Those who court danger theatrically wind up on reality shows, and those who simply go about their business in an unassuming fashion wind up in handcuffs.

So what are we to do? Well, I know what I'm doing: Nothing. This is because I know that celebrity bicycle super-advocate David Byrne is going to arrive at any moment and save the day:

"I don't own a car!," he will exclaim as the NYPD's bullets bounce off of his plaid leisure wear and he hurls pie plates at his attackers with smugly non-lethal accuracy.

As for the rest of you who have less faith than I do, you can join this smug photo-op in defense of the controversial Prospect Park West bike lane, which has become the Gaza Strip of Street Furniture:

As a user of the bike lane I'd be there myself, if only I weren't so heavily favored to win this weekend's Paris-Roubaix.

Nevertheless, as dire as things may seem, we can at least console ourselves in the knowledge that we are living in something of a golden age for car-themed "collabo" bikes. Not only can you purchase a Renovo rolling cutting board with an Audi logo on it:

But you can also buy a limited edition Maserati track bike:

At €3,600 (which is incalculable in American "money"), at first glance this may seem overpriced, but consider the following:

--It has "particular curvatures on the saddle tube and on the rear vertical covers to exalt comfort and the reactivity to the use;"

--It has a "special steel fork with straight and asymmetric covers to balance torsions generated by the disk break;"

--It has a "gasket in forged aluminium at fixed connection, rear hub with an integrated pinion and a free wheel selector of functioning."

This last feature is especially attractive, because while bicycles with "fixed connections" may be extremely popular right now it's always nice to have the option to use "a free wheel selector of functioning" as well.

Also, the frames are "made-to-measure to fit the rider perfectly," though they only come in "three different kind of frame: S-M-L." Because nobody approximates a frame like the Italians.

Personally, when it comes to cycling exotica, I prefer to find mine on Craigslist, and a reader informs me that someone is selling a sweet "wife oil" with front and rear Spingergys:


TREK Y CARBON FIBER TYOCLV 22 FULL SUSPENSION WITH SPINERGY WHEELS - $700 (GENEVA, IL)
Date: 2011-04-07, 1:36AM CDT
Reply to: [deleted]

UP FOR SALE IS A ONE OF A KIND TREK Y TYOCLV 22 FULL SUSPENSION CARBON FIBER BIKE WITH TONS OF AFTER MARKET CUSTOM PARTS..

ALL SHIMANO SHIFTERS AND BRAKES... SPINERGY WHEELS, PROFILE HANDLEBARS, ROCK SHOCK FRONT AND REAR SHOCKS ETC..

A TRUE ONE OF A KIND BEAUTI.. I JUST DON'T USE IT ANY MORE.. CALL TO PICK UP 630-640-[deleted]



I can't imagine a finer bike to ride to the Prospect Park West bike lane smug-in.

Lastly, while I've resolved many times to no longer mention the exploits of hated minimalist, Ev "57 Things Guy" Bogue, I think I'd be remiss in not sharing his most recent blog post, in which he reveals his obsession with actor James Franco:

Apparently, if you want to be as successful as Ev Bogue and James Franco, the key is to "act gayer than you are:"

We’d all do well to walk the gender line a little closer than we do. Do you feel gayer than you are? Well, act that way. It’ll make you more successful like James Franco. Just don’t ever answer the question if you’re asked flat out whether you make out with girls or boys. Are you pansexual or polyamorous? Still no answer. Let everyone talk about it at the dining room table, it’ll generate hype for your immersive career.

Great advice. Think about it: Nelson Mandela never answered the question of whether or not he makes out with girls or boys either. Anyway, Bogue then asks the repulsive question that was on absolutely nobody's mind:

Would I have a threesome with James and a steaming hot not-to-be-named here beautiful woman? I can’t answer that.


Sadly, I feel that with this post Bogue may have exhausted the last of his publicity-seeking gambits--not with a bang, but with a contrived and sexually ambiguous whimper. In a way, I kind of wish it hadn't ended like this. He was fascinatingly infuriating for awhile, and he had a good run with the Apple products and the purple tank tops and the counting of all the stuff in his apartment, but now he's been forced to resort to trying to make people care whether or not he's gay. It's sort of the minimalist version of making Internet videos about how you're "winning."

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a short quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're right, and if you're wrong you'll see fashion advice.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride fashionably.


--BSNYC/RTMS


2) Frank Schleck recently came under UCI scrutiny for:





3) In New York City, a Big Wheel is faster than a bus.





4) What is celebrity hillbomber Emi Brown's advice to "superduperfilthyassnastyassnate"?

--Ingest glycomaize, glucosamine and fish oil






5) If actor Tracy Morgan was not in show business, he would be a bicycle messenger.






("There's something I don't own. Can you guess what?")

6) David Byrne does not own a:

--Car
--Car
--Car
--Car


105 comments:

ant1 said...

antfarmst!

mikeweb said...

Oscar!

ant1 said...

sweet

Padded Leggings said...

Spartacus

Anonymous said...

Ladies!!!!

Twistyface said...

Ha!

ant1 said...

my internet had gone out. it came back at just the right time. i'd like to thank my IT staff for putting me in the perfect position to win the podium sprint.

I am david byrne's engine said...

dude, I like david byrne, car or no car.

ringcycles said...

the ants go marching 2 by 2....

samh said...

Have I mentioned David Byre doesn't own a car lately?

Kenny Banya said...

STOK FOTO

Kenny Banya said...

Ant1! GC Contender! GOLD!

mikeweb said...

Such, I suppose, is the irony of cycling in New York City today. Those who court danger theatrically wind up on reality shows, and those who simply go about their business in an unassuming fashion wind up in handcuffs.

Very well said, Snob.

Ain't life a kick in the pants yabbies?

mikeweb said...

Say what you will about that PPW bike ride, but there's going to be free hot dogs and cupcakes at the finish line -er, I mean, end of the ride.

Anonymous said...

I used to have that exact Trek OCLV in Barney purple. Don't hate!

::Breakdances::

ringcycles said...

I may be no Ant1 or samh, but I can still ace a quiz!

Its a shame Ev Bogue has discovered the secret of Ryan Seacrest's success. Nothing can hold Mr Bogus back now!

Stupid Name said...

"Also, the frames are "made-to-measure to fit the rider perfectly," though they only come in "three different kind of frame: S-M-L." Because nobody approximates a frame like the Italians."

Problem is it is made in China.

Xtra small, very small, and really small.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090905135318AAQa3ze

Apparently the real italian ones from long ago are only worth 600.00

They depreciate like the cars they make.

Anonymous said...

I am ashamed that I know more about Ev Bogue than I do Mr. Franco. What has Mr F done? Was Franco-American Spaghetti-Os his idea?

crosspalms said...

That Big Wheel video is a hoot

mikeweb said...

Wow! What was up with the 90s dance music in cycling garb guy's video? That video would've been a lot better if he just stopped talking and turned around and played some Chopin on that piano behind him.

Twistyface said...

In the triple rush trailer at 1:27 - isn't that David Byrne driving the white car that nearly takes out the bike messeger?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

A very stupid Name said...

oops sorry,

Apparently it is made in Italy.

http://www.montantecicli.it/

When can I special order a big wheel with a front disk brake.

hillbilly said...

all star podium today. ant1 is ready for paris-roubaix (and just crushed perry - roubaix)

Boring Dutch Guy said...

Glucosamine gives me really bad farts. What should I do? Lower my gear maybe.

Or maybe just become a drunk cop. If you can't beat them, join them.

Dave said...

I'm on a road to nowhere without a car.

Anonymous said...

how'd i get number 6 wrong?!?

ZERO CARS

mikeweb said...

Yes, ant1 is on fire this week! Was that a Flanders-Roubaix double we just witnessed?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Maserati tarck bike only 3,600 sea monkeys.

OBA said...

RTMS EGOT

LK said...

Sigh.

Poor Thorton Wilder.

I understand completly.

But think of the ad revenue!

Anonymous said...

So EvBogus is just now figuring out he's gay? Man, is that guy clueless or what?

Rocky Mountain Chuck said...

Finally 100% on Quiz. yeah I know it was pretty easy and no themed bonus question this week, but yeah!

Body Movin', Body Movin'

Anonymous said...

I wonder how much it costs those tv producers for insurance. A wrongful death lawsuit seems inevitable.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I was disenheartened when you referred to the Trek as "wife oil," because it dredged up some unpleasant memories of a regrettable incident a while back at a tony Napa winery where I misread the sign in the lobby inviting me to take part in a "wife tasting."

Shram said...

Come to think of it, where the hell HAS David Byrne been during all this?

Anonymous said...

I did not know that Italians depreciated or that Ryan Seacrest is a success.

Anonymous said...

Shram, shhhhhhhhhhh! I don't think you want him as your spokesperson on this one...

Marcel Da Chump said...

we are the 801

Brian Eno taught David Byrne everything he knows about music, and building wheels.

Anonymous said...

NYPD Legal explains why cops busting people for riding out of bike lane to avoid their doors.

http://bit.ly/ezVuHI

ervgopwr said...

WIWM

tasting your wife's oil? does she use synthetic or natural?

EVBG SGAY

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

but the guy is still hella annoying and ruining my good name.

Terre Haute Karl said...

From the Travel Channel-Triple Rush website: This is not a dangerous job unless you are a foolish person and if you are a foolish person then getting up in the morning is fraught with dangerous implications. Almost anyone can ride a bike safely in NYC if you take sensible precautions which are easily identified and can be learned. We teach couriers to be safe. If this is conveyed on this program then it will be a good thing.

I guess whoever is writing on the website needs to talk to the guy making the trailers for the show.

David Burn said...

Yes! I "aced" the quiz (even the last one about that white haired guy)

Anonymous said...

...so I can't help feeling a lot like Thornton Wilder probably would have if he was about to watch an all-monkey production of "Our Town."

I am green-lighting this mother-f*cker right now. Is James Franco available?

Fucking Republican said...

Let's see now:

-parked my fleet of SUV's on the bike lanes- check.

-worked on anti-union activity in order to destroy the fabric of working class America- check.

-unplugged gramma- check. Should have done it last year and gotten a bigger tax break, though.

-starve babies- check, I guess. That what they told me on CNN at any rate.

-getting ready to arrest the membership of the local bike club and throw their collective asses in the slammer for behaving too European- check.

Joachim said...

all you hipsters triple my rush!

grog said...

TOPF IFTY
wtg ant1
AUNT FARM

bikesgonewild said...

...'ev-bo' sux a dik & justifies it...

..."well, girlz are nice to look at but being a guy, i know where all the parts are on guyz & how they work"...

...as we suspected all along, ev...you secret is safe with us...

Joachim said...

and all you hillbombers apply occam's razor

disc_brake_dopes said...

No one at Maserati knows what happens to a wheel mounted in a traditional fork with a rear-mounted disc brake?

The launching of said rider when wheel comes out of dropouts at the worst possible time... That's what.

Who is first? C'mon it doesn't hurt too much.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1 & mikeweb big wheel it to the finish for a star studded podio-do...

...props, amigos...bikesgonewild, thorton wilder & all the wild things are proud of yous...

ant1 said...

thanks bgw. the competition was tough, but race being named after me, i knew i had to give it all today.

ricky said...

goin squirel huntin this week gonna use my bow

dont need to waste broadhead on squirels if you hits them with it there aint gonna be nothin left

target practice arrows kills em good

dam i wish red was out of jail

something about him buyin all the allergy medicin in three counties

dum ass

Anonymous said...

Smugfest or slugfest? Seems like the organizers of the Prospect Park solidarity event are trying to ensure mayhem and conflict by promising that "...we'll be riding (and walking) the entire length of the bike path... ." Could be worth attending, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Try this with your deep vee tarack bike pussies.


http://aol.it/dGsdSR

bikesgonewild said...

...named in honor of your palatial estate, ya ???...

le Correcteur said...

wishiwasmerckx at 2:34

Very funny. Your wife? Or was the word "swapping" also misread in that Napa winery too? Note passive voice!

Republocrat said...

Republican at 3:21

You don't arrest cyclists for being european you ninny!

Cyclists get arrested for being socialists, being openly gay (you Republocrats have a monopoly on the closet version), failing the Red State Standardized Christianity test, passing the Muslim test, copyright violations, patent violations, acknowledging the poor, acknowledging mental illness, insufficient debt, insufficient investment banking, illegal sex acts.

bikesgonewild said...

...republocrat @ 4:46pm...

...hey, would you drop that please !!!...

...i didn't know that particular sex act was illegal, okay ???...

...live & learn, sheesh...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wait a minute.
There are illegal sex acts?

James Franco said...

Eww.

Chazu said...

Careful, ant1. You don't want to draw Jeff Novitzky's attention.

Nogocyclist said...

Humm, something is wrong! I aced the exam today and the one last week, and did not even study.

Usually when I take the exam and have not seen the video for the wrong answer, I pick one of the "wrong" answers for the last question. Here is the problem, the link for the wrong answers on the last question were all the same as the link for the right answer. What is the significance of such?

I picked another question and purposefully selected the wrong answer. Video was great! Really entertaining. Ok, I am being so ironic a magnet would stick to my head, but I do feel the need to comment on one thing about the video. When they switched to the women's apparel host, who would have expected them to switch to another guy?

Kind of was expecting them to switch over an attractive voluptuous woman. Would have made that video so much better.

Anonymous said...

Heeey David Byrne's got Scottish ancestry.
Just because he likes to wear plaid pajamas in the daytime, in public, doesn't automatically make him a buffoon.
Have some respect fer a man's culture, for Lob's sake.

leroy said...

Only recently have I realized that Bob Dylan was singing about cycling and the NYPD:

"I'm on the pavement thinking about the government."

Ride safe all!

(Free hot dogs for riding the PPW bike lane warms my cynical heart.)

Fucking Republican said...

@Republocrat:

You sound French to me.

Anonymous said...

That Maserati bike's a load of shite (to use a local expression*); not enough rear-end crankiness to approximate the good looks of a Hetchins, and a front end designed (designed!) to incorporate a "disk break". For an Italian company to misspell so badly on both counts, well....

My track bike's much better looking.

hey nonny mouse

* Go 40 miles west, and "pure mingin', so it is" comes into play.

Sentimental 7-ELEVEN Fan said...

Nice to see Iron Ron Kiefel in that Fredliest of Fred videos&shirt. Never been so well rewarded for wrong ansers(&4 watching the entirety of the tedious videos you find!) Triple Bypass jersey showcase trumps Triple Rush byfar byp-favre!

Salty and Sore said...

Correct answer for number 4:

"Dude! Then, come already!"

ken e. said...

"i can't even remember, like, outside the club..."

will someone please photoshop david a half-decent bike?

Anonymous said...

Roadie Wussies (men that used to try on your moms panties) and commuters (still insipid) need to learn how to walk with fire.

-angry dragon

Vinny from Windsor T said...

Yo I came to ya blog cause you
Mentioned the park. I live in the terrace yo. That maseratti bike is tight, must b fast

Anonymous said...

My grandfather used to ride his bike all around Coney Island. It isn't like that anymore. They used to sleep on the beach. Things have changed.

Anonymous said...

....Damn
I love sitting in the bushes in Central Park with my slingshot.

So fun to make people pick up the pace.

JDH said...

Aced the QUIZ! Alas, I will be stripped of my A+ since I admit to doping. The substance being "17 year old daughter who says-just mouse over the links to see which one is different!" The little shit.
Almost forgot,75th!

Anonymous said...

maserati "track" bike: disk brake is on backwards. i don't care which way Ashima put the little arrow like things on that Airotor-140. its fucking wrong.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

What the hell are you talking about? Maybe you need to go take a look at a bike with a disc brake on the front. That's a BB7 in the normal position.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Maybe you mean the rotor? Do you think it or the caliper care about it being "backwards"?

Yoda said...

David Byrne. My hero, he is.

Rupert Murdoch said...

@Republocrat-"you republocrats have a monopoly on the closet version".Fruedian slip?

Anonymous said...

Seriously dragon guy
You sound like you are dry humping a trash bag

Try living outside of the box
Take your trust fund an live on an island and leave us alone

republocrat said...

Rupert Murdoch,

In true Republocrat fashion, I deny anything ever happened! Those abominable rumors were started by my pagan opponent! Who, BTW is under investigation by Homeland Security for being a Muslim! (I suspect she even has friends who are Muslim.... You know what THAT means... Right?)

Meanwhile my beard (cough! wife) and I are seeking spiritual guidance while I work tirelessly in Congress to subsidize the Financial Industry, the military industrial complex, and Monsanto and shift the costs onto Godless heathen bike messengers and their Godless brethren bike mechanics across the nation.

Please, click on my 'linkified' name. It helps raise funds for my next election.

republocrat said...

Oh, and those explicit pictures of me 'in flagrante' were Photoshopped!

Back to the Floor for another vote to crush the middle class!

Anonymous said...

Larryfingers@gmail.com for you recums in Little Rock.
It would be fun and gang up on a sweet ride.
Maybe sunday?

Anonymous said...

There are time when people of the force need to be sneaky in order to take on the larger monster of a society gone mad.

Bikas are easy targats so watch out lawbreakers.

I would hate to have to pull the NYCPD plunger on you.

Danny B

Miss Muff said...

Making a cream pie if anyone's interested.

samiam said...

Man, why you gotta rail on David Byrne all the time? Dude promotes cycling. Isn't that a good thing?

bikesgonewild said...

...the thing is, samiam, we regulars happen to know that mr byrne wears tartan underwear to match is outer 'ensemble'...

...that alone deserves besmirched attention...

...law of the jungle (nyc)...

wishiwasmerckx said...

David Byrne may now be a flake and a gadfly, but he WAS a brilliant musician back in the day...

Brian Eno said...

I produced TALKING HEADS' FEAR OF MUSIC and REMAIN IN LIGHT. My infleunce is also evident in David's style of guitar playing on TALKING HEADS '77.
Oh, and 'WE ARE THE 801' (thnx Marcel) that's a lyric from my song THE TRUE WHEEL from my album TAKING TIGER MOUNTAIN BY STRATEGY.
Ride safely and courteously all.

Fucking Republican said...

Republocrat,

Son, come over to the Dark Side with me. I will complete your training and together we will have dominion over the entire galaxy.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Martin Erzinger said...

New York Finest using doors as weapons, that is very sad. Are they afraid to use their grill? You can pick them up and hide them when you do get one of them cyclists.

Shows a complete lack of commitment.

bikesgonewild said...

...@fucking republican & martin erzinger...

...you guys are nothing but a poop stain on david byrne's tartan underwear...

Anonymous said...

martin erzinger as skid mark. Seems just right somehow.

Anonymous said...

Still hoping for a few hard recum's to bang out some hot laps outside a Little Rock today.
I will buy the after ride nachos.
Larryfingers@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Still hoping for a few hard recum's to bang out some hot laps outside a Little Rock today.
I will buy the after ride nachos.
Larryfingers@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Cool thing about David Byrne is he still stays up past 5AM.
David Byrne and company

Anonymous said...

David Byrne stays up past 5am [detailing the alloy wheels on his van, and designing new plaid leisurewear].

Anonymous said...

Larry Fingers wants to meet in a McD's parking lot at 39th and Central after chrch.
I advise you all not to attend.
We shouldn't have to put up with perve recumbent riders!
H Smanley II

sewa mobil said...

Nice article, thanks for the information.

Twistyface said...

Cancellara would have won if he had worn plaid.

Rupert Murdoch said...

@republocrat;Nice pants!

Harrison said...

Speaking of Y-bikes, I'm planning on using them to corner the novelty guitar market. Here's the progress so far:

http://velospace.org/node/2937

http://velospace.org/node/9203

-Harrison, Columbia SC

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Fixie Bikes said...

I love that guys face, he's belitttling the shit out of that bike.