BSNYC Friday Big-Budget Action Thriller With Explosions Starring Mario Cipollini!

Are you special? Of course you're not--none of us are. The truth is, we're all just microbes on this big blue gumball called the planet Earth, and the sooner we recognize our mutual insignificance, the sooner we can set aside our differences and enjoy our short time here together before the Almighty Lobster sanitizes us all with his Action Wipe of Justice.

Actually, this isn't entirely true--some people really are special, like this person, who is way, way better than you can ever hope to be:

Why is she special? Well, because, as a reader informs me, she and her husband have less stuff than you do:

Yep, she's a minimalist:

To challenge herself, she has stripped her life down to 100 possessions, including books and shoes. She put the TV in the closet to see whether she'd miss it, then got rid of it altogether.

She doesn't own a car and, with her husband, Logan, lives in a 400-square-foot apartment next to an Urban Outfitters store.

At this point, you may be asking yourself the same thing I was, which is this: "If she's such a downsizer, then why the hell does she need two cats?" Well, the article doesn't say, but in fairness to her I suppose it's possible she started out with like 17 cats and then winnowed them down to two. Still, I think two cats is a lot for a minimalist, and I bet in the minimalist scene she's considered a "crazy cat lady."

Also, it's worth noting that the article never actually uses the word "minimalist," though it's obvious that she is one since she has a minimalist's love of Apple products:

By the way, if she's so serious about getting rid of stuff then why not ditch the ergonomic laptop stand and just use a book? I wonder if she counts it as a separate thing or if she just bundles it with the computer.

But of course the most important part of being a minimalist is being baffled by the foolish behavior of non-minimalists:

When she visits friends in big houses, she notices how many rooms are vacant while people gather naturally in one room

Really, rooms are empty when people leave them? What a genius! What's so wrong with having multiple rooms anyway? Rooms aren't subway seats--just because you leave one that doesn't mean you should have to forfeit it. I mean, I'm not in the bathroom right now (okay, I am in the bathroom , but just pretend I'm not for the sake of argument) but that doesn't mean I don't need the freaking thing. I guess we should all live in igloos or yurts and sit on the toilet as we entertain our minimalist friends. Otherwise, I guess if we're to justify our wasteful multiple-room domiciles we need to make sure every room is occupied at all times and communicate with other members of the household via minimalist-approved iPhones.

Oh, and of course it always helps to scrounge off a non-minimalist:

The simple life isn't for everyone, she agrees. People with kids ask her: How is it possible? Even her simple-living husband now has more than 100 things after trying the strict limit for a while.

Ah, the non-minimalist spouse, that's the minimalist loophole. It's like those people who say they quit smoking because they stopped buying cigarettes and instead just bum 20 a day off of their friends.

I wonder if she's a devotee of professional minimalist "57 Things" guy, whose book is getting rave reviews from customers on Amazon:

I just paid $17 for a 72 page book???
I love his concept and courage, however Bogue is sooo against consumerism but charges $17 for a 72 page book??!!
And to say this is a 72 page book is a stretch. Quite a few pages are only a few sentences.
I feel like a sucker.

Amazing--the book is so minimalist even the pages are blank. It's like that "Seinfeld" where Kramer sells his life story to J. Peterman and just gives him lists of things in his apartment--except Bogue doesn't even have anything in his apartment to list, hence empty book

Speaking of smugness, as I've said before my favorite Internet forum is without a doubt the comments section of BikePortland. This is because there are few things more entertaining than liberal guilt, and a reader recently alerted me to a comment on the following post about cars parking in bike lanes:

Said one commenter:

"...a family at some low income housing on Williams had parked in the bike lane and they were hanging out on their stoop. I politely let them know they were illegally parked and that it was quite dangerous. They brushed me off. I took out my phone to call a friend who I was supposed to meet, and they jumped up shouting not to call the police and went to move their car. I felt bad to make them think I was going to call Parking enforcement (given there were underlying gentrification etc. subtexts), but it worked."

At this point I'm not sure I could ever move to Portland, if only because, while bicycle commuting is easier there from a purely physical standpoint, intellectually it's more challenging than getting a degree in "womyn's studies" from a liberal arts college. Between all the "underlying gentrification subtexts" and the riders with seminal works of Native American fiction stuffed down their pants I'm way too lowbrow for life out there and am probably better off staying in New York where I'm alternately stopped by police and harassed by clowns.

Speaking of "womyn's studies," I'm pleased to announce that Bard, Sarah Lawrence, and Wesleyan will all accept a passing grade on the following quiz as credit towards any degree that they offer. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then celebrate in a manner that does not offend anyone due to underlying gentrification subtexts, and if you're wrong then watch p-far "hillbombing."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and, most importantly, ride postmodern.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) The administration of Lees McRae College says their "Bicycling Studies" minor is a natural addition to their curriculum due to their already strong pharmacology and hematology programs.

--True
--False

(There's a paperback in my pants and everyone's invited.)

2) What book is this rider "portaging" in her pants?

--"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy
--"Ceremony" by Leslie Marmon Silko
--"The Art of Minimalist Business" by Everett Bogue

--"Filling Those Jeans: The Natural Butt Enhancement Guide" by Josie Hays

3) This component is called:

--A "Threadinator"
--A "Quillinator"

--A "Kludginator"

--An "Anachronismizer"

(Urban dandycross is the new fixed-gear freestyle)

4) Which of the following is not a definition of an "Urban Traveler" according to Nonetheless clothing?

--"The Urban Traveler is an invite-only microenvironment that brings together our friends and family of like mind."

--"It's a collaborative that breathes authentic life utilizing word, picture, sound, film, and innovation."

--"The Urban Traveler shares experiences of substance, creativity, enlightenment, knowledge, approach, passion, context, vision, and discovery."

--"It's somebody who goes from one part of a city to another part of a city while wearing expensive pants."

5) Which is the cyclist and which is the motoring journalist?

--The man is the motoring journalist, the woman is the cyclist

--The woman is the motoring journalist, the man is the cyclist

--The man is the woman, the woman is the man

--The man ate Cleveland and the woman is next

(Shane Embury actually cleans up pretty good!)

6) Motoring journalist Adam Rayner moonlights as the bass player for pioneering grindcore band Napalm Death.

--True
--False

(Schmuck on wheels)

7) Why is Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz riding a tricycle?

--He's protesting the Prospect Park West bike lane

--At 66 years old he has the fitness and agility of a man twice his age

--He may not be able to handle a bike, but he sure can hondle for some cheesecake

--All of the above

***Special Nerdy Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

What does this equation represent?

--The power required to push a bike/rider through the air and to overcome the friction of the drive train
--The Fredthagorean theorum

--Einstein's theory of Fredlativity

--A common pennyfarthing tire size