Vulcan's Forgery: Pros and Con Men

Yesterday I mentioned that I was planning to escape from New York due to the draconian anti-bike regime that seems to have taken hold recently. To that end, I received many helpful suggestions from readers, ranging from (to paraphrase) "Just stay where you are and quit whining" to "Go wherever you want, just stay the hell away from my town." Also, one or two people suggested Portland.

Now, I should clarify and point out that at this moment I have no concrete plans for escaping the New York area. Rather, it just seems like it would be nice, and so I've placed it on my list of things I hope will simply fall into my lap one day with little to no effort on my part, along with having my own helicopter and winning Gent-Wevelgem. (I mean, really, if George Hincapie can do it then anybody can.) Still, what cyclist has not contemplated the notion of moving to Portland at one time or another? I know I have. I've even made a comprehensive list of pros and cons:

Pros:

It's very bicycle friendly, there's indoor plumbing, and the people there seem helpful, trusting, and easily duped.

Cons:

If you're going to move across an entire continent, it seems like you should at least land somewhere that has awesome weather.

Until recently, another argument against Portland might have been that it's something of a cultural backwater. (Not that I would make that argument--I live in one of the intellectual capitals of the world and the only culture I partake in is my cable TV package.) Sure, there are plenty of artisans who work in the media of metal tubing, beer, and leather, but besides Powell's bookstore and Gus Van Sant, you could probably fit the entire intellectual community of Portland into Chuck Palahniuk's right sideburn.

However, all of this has changed now that Portland has landed on the cultural map with its very own "Seinfeld" in the form of the show "Portlandia." I mean, people used to scoff at Milwaukee too, but then they got "Laverne & Shirley" and ever since then it's been known as the Paris of Lake Michigan. In fact, "Portlandia" has already had such a profound impact on Portland that you can now pay to take a (what else?) "Portlandia" theme ride:

It's like Kramer's Reality Tour, only with bikes.

Anyway, I can dream of moving to Portland, or the Land of the Epic Burrito, or...well that's it really, frankly the rest of the country seems totally unlivable, but the sad truth is that I'll probably die here in New York City or its suburbs--and that's because odds are I'll get run down by a drunken teenager driving a stolen car with no license who will get off scot-free, the police will pin a $275 ticket for failing to make a proper hand signal to my corpse, and 14 Streetsblog commenters will argue about whether or not I was wearing a helmet.

Speaking of not being able to catch a break, not only do I live in New York, but I'm also a cycling fan, and this has been very possibly the lamest "off season" in professional cycling history. Right now we should be relishing in early season Alberto Contador "fingerbanging" photos as he prepares to defend his Tour de France title, but instead it looks like he'll probably lose that title and get suspended:

Meanwhile, the most smug cycling team the sport has ever seen (at least since Linda McCartny's all-vegetarian squad), Garmin Slipstream Transitions FeltVelo or whatever they are, are embroiled in a whole tedious doping doctor blackmail controversy that has Jonathan Vaughters's sideburns all ruffled:

And let's not forget the whole Lance Armstrong thing, which is like "General Hospital" in that it's been going on forever and they keep writing in new characters:



As far as I'm concerned Contador stole that Tour win fair and square, Slipstream should be as free to market the illusion of their cleanliness as any other cycling team, and if Jeff Novitzky is obsessed with tired relics from the 1990s he should just save the taxpayers a bunch of money and listen to Pearl Jam like everybody else. This is sports, for Lob's sake. Why don't I get to just shut off my brain and watch overpaid freaks like football fans do? Why does following cycling have to be as tedious and stressful as dealing with your health insurance? Maybe it's because road cycling is apparently the sport with the "smuggest" participans, according to a recent poll that was forwarded to me by a reader:

Indeed road cycling is dominating, with the non-cycling sport of triathlon a distant second:

Now, I have no trouble believing that road cycling is the most anal retentive sport, but I don't think it's particularly "smug," and I certainly can't believe it's more smug than some of the other "sports" they've got listed here. Take "standup paddling" for instance. I had to look that one up, and as it turns out it's actually not when you tell jokes while rowing a canoe. There is no way a sport as nichey as standup paddling is less smug than road cycling, and I'm sure its devotees congratulate themselves for even knowing about it and then get all self-righteous about the sport's native Hawaiian heritage. "Yeah, we row boats, but we stand up while doing it"--it's to boating what recumbent riding is to cycling. In fact, standup paddlers even have their own version of the helmet debate, only it centers on life jackets:

As of October 3, 2008, the US Coast Guard now classifies SUPs as vessels and as a result SUP riders are obliged to wear a personal flotation device when paddling in certain areas.[3] Whether this will affect the continued take up of stand up paddling in the USA remains to be seen. The Canadian Coast Guard has implemented similar rules, however SUPer's are only required to have a PFD with them, they don't have to wear them.

Apparently celebrities are also getting into standup paddling, and when it comes to sports that are easy to do while stoned there's one celebrity you're sure to find:

No PFD for the McConaughey--unless you count his partner, that is.

But when it comes to smugness, nothing rivals minimalism, and "57 Things" guy has recently shared some stunning revelations. First of all, even though he despises consumerism, he wears $200 jeans:

However, he's such an ascetic that he doesn't fit in them anymore:

When I got into Boulder, CO (story for another day!) a few days ago, I realized that my 29″ pants were falling off again. I’d lost weight running around New York, or my pants had stretched a bit.

My bright turquoise American Apparel boxer briefs were showing from almost all directions.

I'm pretty sure Gandhi had the exact same problem.

Not only that, but he's also totally over minimalism now:

Yes, he's learned all he can from that path, so now he's choosing another:

I don't consider myself a minimalist anymore, because being a minimalist isn't a thing to be anymore -- it's an idea that came and passed. Minimalism was cool for awhile. Now, it's simply the echo of a revolution that once was.

Just call him "Idiothartha." My best guess is that this is a contrived "Malcolm X splitting from the Nation of Islam" thing designed to generate controversy and increase book sales, but it's also possible that he's about to introduce his own denim line and he realizes that the whole minimalism schtick will be very bad for business.

In any case, when 57 Things jeans do "drop," be sure to wear them while sitting next to your artisanal fire pit:

It's available from Best Made Co. spin-off Base Camp X, who also sell designer axes, and it's a bargain at only $1,300:


The Vulcan fire pit is perfect if you want your loft party to have that gritty hobo vibe, but you're put off by the lack of cachet that comes with a repurposed steel drum:

Nothing tastes better than dog food roasted over a Vulcan fire pit on the balcony of a million-dollar Williamsburg condo.

Just be sure you have appropriately rustic cycling apparel to match, as forwarded by a reader:

Also, be sure your bike has a name, such as Elvis McLightingbolt, as forwarded by another reader:


56 cm track / fixed-gear bicycle (SHINY, HIP) - $400 (tallahassee)
Date: 2011-01-25, 5:53PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Sup y'all.

Got a sweet fixee for sale here. It's hella hip and fast as heck. I bought this guy a few years back when I got to school and got a lot of use out of it, but now I'm old (but not really) and out of shape (really), so I downgraded back to a road bike and now I'm selling it. Makes me sad but I need the money and having two bikes is pretty unnecessary.

Here are the spex yo:

Name: Elvis McLightningbolt (you can change the name but I can't guarantee he'll respond to anything else, so consider yourself warned.)

Frame: unlabeled motobecane jury track frame. Same geometry as the steamroller. It's a 54-56 cm frame (not entirely sure) (I'm 5'11 and got long long legs and it's the perfect size for me. so tall people only.) Plus- this thing is frikin chrome y'all, and everyone knows chrome bikes are the fastest bikes.

Wheel Set: white Vuelta Track Pro Deep V's (these things are tough as all get-out and look pretty rad with the black spokes.)

Tyres: continental cyclocross (fat and grippy, take em on the trails!)

Stem: Thomson Elite X4 mountain

Headset: Cane Creek S-8

Saddle: Sella Italia flight titanium

Crankset: Miche Advanced

Brakes: Cane Creek

Handlebars: some no-name brand bullhorns but they're pretty comfortable in any position.

PEDALS NOT INCLUDED (though I can throw in a set of titanium egg beaters for 50 bucks if you want to be really HxC)

I bought the bike with all these components and it's served me really well over the years. The gear ratio is pretty high but it's got a great top cruising speed. I know whoever buys Elvis here is gonna have just as much fun tearing up the streets of tally. You could even start a bike gang, because this bike looks like a leader.

If you're interested in taking a look or a test-ride, shoot me an email and we'll set something up. Thanks!

PICTURES BELOW! (not actual size. super-hip model/roommate not included (though we might be able to work something out ($$$))


That kind of salesmanship definitely warrants a disembodied thumbs up.