Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Vulcan's Forgery: Pros and Con Men

Yesterday I mentioned that I was planning to escape from New York due to the draconian anti-bike regime that seems to have taken hold recently. To that end, I received many helpful suggestions from readers, ranging from (to paraphrase) "Just stay where you are and quit whining" to "Go wherever you want, just stay the hell away from my town." Also, one or two people suggested Portland.

Now, I should clarify and point out that at this moment I have no concrete plans for escaping the New York area. Rather, it just seems like it would be nice, and so I've placed it on my list of things I hope will simply fall into my lap one day with little to no effort on my part, along with having my own helicopter and winning Gent-Wevelgem. (I mean, really, if George Hincapie can do it then anybody can.) Still, what cyclist has not contemplated the notion of moving to Portland at one time or another? I know I have. I've even made a comprehensive list of pros and cons:

Pros:

It's very bicycle friendly, there's indoor plumbing, and the people there seem helpful, trusting, and easily duped.

Cons:

If you're going to move across an entire continent, it seems like you should at least land somewhere that has awesome weather.

Until recently, another argument against Portland might have been that it's something of a cultural backwater. (Not that I would make that argument--I live in one of the intellectual capitals of the world and the only culture I partake in is my cable TV package.) Sure, there are plenty of artisans who work in the media of metal tubing, beer, and leather, but besides Powell's bookstore and Gus Van Sant, you could probably fit the entire intellectual community of Portland into Chuck Palahniuk's right sideburn.

However, all of this has changed now that Portland has landed on the cultural map with its very own "Seinfeld" in the form of the show "Portlandia." I mean, people used to scoff at Milwaukee too, but then they got "Laverne & Shirley" and ever since then it's been known as the Paris of Lake Michigan. In fact, "Portlandia" has already had such a profound impact on Portland that you can now pay to take a (what else?) "Portlandia" theme ride:

It's like Kramer's Reality Tour, only with bikes.

Anyway, I can dream of moving to Portland, or the Land of the Epic Burrito, or...well that's it really, frankly the rest of the country seems totally unlivable, but the sad truth is that I'll probably die here in New York City or its suburbs--and that's because odds are I'll get run down by a drunken teenager driving a stolen car with no license who will get off scot-free, the police will pin a $275 ticket for failing to make a proper hand signal to my corpse, and 14 Streetsblog commenters will argue about whether or not I was wearing a helmet.

Speaking of not being able to catch a break, not only do I live in New York, but I'm also a cycling fan, and this has been very possibly the lamest "off season" in professional cycling history. Right now we should be relishing in early season Alberto Contador "fingerbanging" photos as he prepares to defend his Tour de France title, but instead it looks like he'll probably lose that title and get suspended:

Meanwhile, the most smug cycling team the sport has ever seen (at least since Linda McCartny's all-vegetarian squad), Garmin Slipstream Transitions FeltVelo or whatever they are, are embroiled in a whole tedious doping doctor blackmail controversy that has Jonathan Vaughters's sideburns all ruffled:

And let's not forget the whole Lance Armstrong thing, which is like "General Hospital" in that it's been going on forever and they keep writing in new characters:



As far as I'm concerned Contador stole that Tour win fair and square, Slipstream should be as free to market the illusion of their cleanliness as any other cycling team, and if Jeff Novitzky is obsessed with tired relics from the 1990s he should just save the taxpayers a bunch of money and listen to Pearl Jam like everybody else. This is sports, for Lob's sake. Why don't I get to just shut off my brain and watch overpaid freaks like football fans do? Why does following cycling have to be as tedious and stressful as dealing with your health insurance? Maybe it's because road cycling is apparently the sport with the "smuggest" participans, according to a recent poll that was forwarded to me by a reader:

Indeed road cycling is dominating, with the non-cycling sport of triathlon a distant second:

Now, I have no trouble believing that road cycling is the most anal retentive sport, but I don't think it's particularly "smug," and I certainly can't believe it's more smug than some of the other "sports" they've got listed here. Take "standup paddling" for instance. I had to look that one up, and as it turns out it's actually not when you tell jokes while rowing a canoe. There is no way a sport as nichey as standup paddling is less smug than road cycling, and I'm sure its devotees congratulate themselves for even knowing about it and then get all self-righteous about the sport's native Hawaiian heritage. "Yeah, we row boats, but we stand up while doing it"--it's to boating what recumbent riding is to cycling. In fact, standup paddlers even have their own version of the helmet debate, only it centers on life jackets:

As of October 3, 2008, the US Coast Guard now classifies SUPs as vessels and as a result SUP riders are obliged to wear a personal flotation device when paddling in certain areas.[3] Whether this will affect the continued take up of stand up paddling in the USA remains to be seen. The Canadian Coast Guard has implemented similar rules, however SUPer's are only required to have a PFD with them, they don't have to wear them.

Apparently celebrities are also getting into standup paddling, and when it comes to sports that are easy to do while stoned there's one celebrity you're sure to find:

No PFD for the McConaughey--unless you count his partner, that is.

But when it comes to smugness, nothing rivals minimalism, and "57 Things" guy has recently shared some stunning revelations. First of all, even though he despises consumerism, he wears $200 jeans:

However, he's such an ascetic that he doesn't fit in them anymore:

When I got into Boulder, CO (story for another day!) a few days ago, I realized that my 29″ pants were falling off again. I’d lost weight running around New York, or my pants had stretched a bit.

My bright turquoise American Apparel boxer briefs were showing from almost all directions.

I'm pretty sure Gandhi had the exact same problem.

Not only that, but he's also totally over minimalism now:

Yes, he's learned all he can from that path, so now he's choosing another:

I don't consider myself a minimalist anymore, because being a minimalist isn't a thing to be anymore -- it's an idea that came and passed. Minimalism was cool for awhile. Now, it's simply the echo of a revolution that once was.

Just call him "Idiothartha." My best guess is that this is a contrived "Malcolm X splitting from the Nation of Islam" thing designed to generate controversy and increase book sales, but it's also possible that he's about to introduce his own denim line and he realizes that the whole minimalism schtick will be very bad for business.

In any case, when 57 Things jeans do "drop," be sure to wear them while sitting next to your artisanal fire pit:


It's available from Best Made Co. spin-off Base Camp X, who also sell designer axes, and it's a bargain at only $1,300:


The Vulcan fire pit is perfect if you want your loft party to have that gritty hobo vibe, but you're put off by the lack of cachet that comes with a repurposed steel drum:

Nothing tastes better than dog food roasted over a Vulcan fire pit on the balcony of a million-dollar Williamsburg condo.

Just be sure you have appropriately rustic cycling apparel to match, as forwarded by a reader:

Also, be sure your bike has a name, such as Elvis McLightingbolt, as forwarded by another reader:


56 cm track / fixed-gear bicycle (SHINY, HIP) - $400 (tallahassee)
Date: 2011-01-25, 5:53PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Sup y'all.

Got a sweet fixee for sale here. It's hella hip and fast as heck. I bought this guy a few years back when I got to school and got a lot of use out of it, but now I'm old (but not really) and out of shape (really), so I downgraded back to a road bike and now I'm selling it. Makes me sad but I need the money and having two bikes is pretty unnecessary.

Here are the spex yo:

Name: Elvis McLightningbolt (you can change the name but I can't guarantee he'll respond to anything else, so consider yourself warned.)

Frame: unlabeled motobecane jury track frame. Same geometry as the steamroller. It's a 54-56 cm frame (not entirely sure) (I'm 5'11 and got long long legs and it's the perfect size for me. so tall people only.) Plus- this thing is frikin chrome y'all, and everyone knows chrome bikes are the fastest bikes.

Wheel Set: white Vuelta Track Pro Deep V's (these things are tough as all get-out and look pretty rad with the black spokes.)

Tyres: continental cyclocross (fat and grippy, take em on the trails!)

Stem: Thomson Elite X4 mountain

Headset: Cane Creek S-8

Saddle: Sella Italia flight titanium

Crankset: Miche Advanced

Brakes: Cane Creek

Handlebars: some no-name brand bullhorns but they're pretty comfortable in any position.

PEDALS NOT INCLUDED (though I can throw in a set of titanium egg beaters for 50 bucks if you want to be really HxC)

I bought the bike with all these components and it's served me really well over the years. The gear ratio is pretty high but it's got a great top cruising speed. I know whoever buys Elvis here is gonna have just as much fun tearing up the streets of tally. You could even start a bike gang, because this bike looks like a leader.

If you're interested in taking a look or a test-ride, shoot me an email and we'll set something up. Thanks!

PICTURES BELOW! (not actual size. super-hip model/roommate not included (though we might be able to work something out ($$$))



That kind of salesmanship definitely warrants a disembodied thumbs up.

132 comments:

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

first?

Anonymous said...

servus alder !

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Yes! Fingerguns!! Bang! Bang Bang !!!

Anonymous said...

Podium? That was a non minimal post on minimalism, snobby.

Anonymous said...

fifth! truth

Anonymous said...

yeah top 5

ant1 said...

ant1st!

broomie said...

I crashed in the bunch

Anonymous said...

recumbent podium

xyxax said...

Today’s commuting red-light special: helmet cakes.

Yum!

Top said...

stov top!

-top

Hot Karl's Jr said...

Top several

Anonymous said...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Doug said...

Well, they stole the podium from me fair and square.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

"Just call him "Idiothartha."

That's a keeper

VITO 4EVR

broomie said...

Is there a roadcycling, wood chopping, rifle shooting sport I am unaware of?

Anonymous said...

moin moin

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm guessing that that disembodied thumb does not belong to Eben Jr., the hottest thing to hit the hand-model circuit in quite some time...

crosspalms said...

The two guys in the rustic cycling apparel are participating in the Minimalist Dorkathlon. First the one guy shoots 57 things, then the other guy runs into the woods to chop them up. Then they ride home on their fast chrome bikes.

Anonymous said...

So your fate you deem will happen someday sounds eerily like this: http://articles.lancasteronline.com/local/4/342935

Simon said...

Man, I don't know how you can stomach reading that minimalist guy. I seriously get ill after the first sentence or two. I wonder if he's that obnoxious in person. Too bad you can't leave comments on his blog.

Anonymous said...

I never previously realized it was possibly to look so much like a pair of twits while holding an axe and shooting a pump action shotgun.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Stand up paddling...that's some funny stuff right there. This past summer I was out in the Shark River fishing and some guy comes floating by standing up. My first thought was that I had fallen overboard and died and it was Jesus coming to take me home.

Definitely more smug "sport" than cycling.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that minimalist guy drives me nuts as well. I'm not much of a fighter, but if I met him in person I'd have to try to kick his post-minimal ass.

Anonymous said...

stand up paddling - the segway of the sea

grog said...

Surf's up.

Michael Pereckas said...

Last time I was in my local chain book seller I noticed not one but *three* magazines devoted to Stand Up Paddling. I realized something: Sea Kayaker has photos of people in drysuits and PFDs and head protection and hand protection with lots of other gear. It's like gear porn. The stand up paddler magazines had photos of very athletic people wearing bathing suits standing up in plain view on their boards. It's closer to the other kind of porn.

Hairy-legged roadie said...

"Why does following cycling have to be as tedious and stressful as dealing with your health insurance?"

"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

"So stop doing that."

Following cycling is only stressful if you think there are clean riders at the top, a belief that requires stupendous amounts of wishful thinking.

mikeweb said...

Holy hairy Muttonchops!

Nice job CCC!

Anonymous said...

I challenge ElvisMcLightningbolt to a commuter race with my mt. bike turned commuter "Oldsmobike."

Smugalupagus said...

To those above: you cheated.
To those behind: you suck.

SMUG NESS

Anonymous said...

It must've hurt not to make fun of this line from Former 57: "This action started a revolution, the momentum of which for the last year has rocked the space/time continuum."

g said...

Snob,
I think you should talk to this guy if you want to make a move. I hear he's got a plan.
I love the off-season whine session released by Andy that he was "gutted mentally, exhausted and very disappointed" that he didn't win the Tour. Cyclists may not be the most smug, but we are a bunch of fucking babies when it comes to losing a race.

Lee said...

You could move to Madison, Wis. and hang out with those ladies who did that "I'm a bikesnob" video and deliver by bicycle the coffee named after you.

Anonymous said...

CROM FAST

whoisthatnan?whocares- said...

Weird, that SUP does not look like McConaughey...is it just another picture of a man without a shirt?

John said...

All you guys taking shots at stand-up paddling just prove the survey's point. Road cycling is full of smug assholes who look down their noses at both newbies and other sports.

CoatieCale said...

"As of October 3, 2008, the US Coast Guard now classifies SUPs as vessels and as a result SUP riders are obliged to wear a personal flotation device when paddling in certain areas."

"certain areas" in this case means "navigable water ways"; you know, where huge ships transport goods and commercial vessels perform services. Otherwise the lashing of the board to an akle would make the board you PFD. Typically, these areas and the SUP scene are mutually exclusive. There is prcedent for this policy, and its enforcement, in the rules pertaining to serfers.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:26 "Segway of the sea" - genius.

greenpinkblue said...

I can't believe that guy ever called himself a minimalist and continued to wear underwear. I would drop that item and get an ipad.

mimi said...

Excuse me? Portland Oregon weather...
They don't have near as many horribly hot humid days...

They don't have near as many snow days.

As a cyclist, it's a no brainer to pick Portland weather over your weather, most any day!

fat and jealous said...

29 inch waist.. geez

road smug

ringcycles said...

bromie: Yes, apparently Brandt-Sorenson has invented the PDX Dandy Biathlon p/b Best Made. Clearly they are making a serious run at the most smug sport award.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wow! fourth Wednesday of the month already. Where the hell did January go?

I am the Bloomberg engine said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckvDo2JHB7o

The problem as I see it, you are concerned by the draconian bike crackdown.

Embrace it in all of its stupidity, because all of it is good.

The bike lanes will be empty, and the Hassidim will be happy, the hipsters will be inside, and the delivery men will rule the streets.

Marcel Da Chump said...

With all due apologies to all the ladies, I refer to my bike as
"she".

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@Marcel

Yea me too.
and I lay down on mine.

Indy Falconheads said...

Another brilliant entry, Snobby.

CommieCanuck said...

Funny, no mention of what ever happened to the "Lance Armstrong Story", starring Mathew McManImsoGay. My guess is several days into the shooting, the director had a Coppola moment and moved the whole production into the jungles of Portland. Refusing to shirt up, the star contracted malaria.

Either that, or someone finally realized that cycling is one boring fucking sport to watch. It's asphalt curling.

Anonymous said...

what´s the difference between cyclocross and mtb XC? why race cyclocross with a "roadie" frame, and not with a mtb?
Seriously, i don´t know, couldn´t find any answer. Help, anyone?

Anonymous said...

< Is there a roadcycling, wood chopping, rifle shooting sport I am unaware of? >

An artisanal triathlon(way)?

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:24

Cyclocross involves one more stinking bike in your stable.

The geometry is sublime, the weitght is that of a baby, and the use is limited.

bikesgonewild said...

...despite the added 'macho-ness' of having both a gun & an axe in it, that is the gayest 'outdoor themed' foto ***ever*** shot...

...this is normally followed by the disclaimer - "not that there's anything wrong with that" but in this case there is 'cuz that's just disturbing...

...holy shit !!!...

Marcel Da Chump said...

@recumbent, mine's a butch and is into leather.

Mrs. Brooks Robinson said...

Is your Smugness Factor declining?

Not feeling as Douche' Bag as you once were?

Check out ... http://cgi.ebay.com/Brooks-LEroica-Embroidered-Wool-Team-Jersey-L_W0QQitemZ200562830065QQcategoryZ158991QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZe17002.m7QQ_trkparmsZalgo%3DLVI%26itu%3DUCI%26otn%3D6%26ps%3D63%26clkid%3D6646471838922760840

bikesgonewild said...

...& ya...guys don't name their bikes after guys...(obvious disclaimer)...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Minimalism, "the echo of a revolution that once was"........
AARRRGGGHH!!!! That's the sound of Donald Judd turning over in his grave.

ringcycles said...

anon 2:24; the short answer is history and race requirements.

The long answer is if you don't know, you need to race more of both.

Anonymous said...

All you haters suck my thumb?

CommieCanuck said...

what´s the difference between cyclocross and mtb XC? why race cyclocross with a "roadie" frame, and not with a mtb?

Before the 70s and the start of the MTB era, XC races were run on Roadie frames, not even cyclocross frames.Road frames had wider tires.

Why road bikes don't have cantilever brakes is another good question.

The current requirement for three different bikes increases the potential douche quotient in cycling.

Do swimmers have multiple Speedos for different race types?

Anonymous said...

If I ever run into 57 Things Guy (not that I have a clue what he looks like), I'm going to fight him. Money grubbing douche shyster.

And anyone that buys the f'n Vulcan deserves to be homeless.

ringcycles said...

BGW: those photo's did have a E.M. Forester dreams of Portland feel to them. Not that there's anything wrong w/ E.M. Forester.

Anonymous 2:24 said...

Well, i don´t give a fook about history in this particular matter, i just enjoy riding my bike.
Let me put it anther way: what´s gonna happen if i show up at a cycloss race with my mtb?

BISOUBISOU said...

Goodbye Minimilist:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/26/dining/26mini.html

Anonymous said...

Your debutante knows what you need, but I know what you want.

Bob Dylan

ringcycles said...

anon 2:24, unless you are racing elite UCI cyclocross, nothing is going to happen. People race beginners category cyclocross with mtb's all the time. Once you try to race hard/fast cyclocross you may find that a heavy mtb bike w/ 2" wide tires that's also difficult to shoulder is a poor choice.

Just like racing any techical XC course on a full rigid, drop bar bike with 33mm tires is a poor choice. It can be done, and sometimes someone with a alot of talent will win that way, but it ain't easy.

Anonymous 2:24 said...

@ ringcycles

ok, thx man.

I might give a try at CX. Fairly snowy where i am, could be fun.

Anonymous said...

So,

cyclocross:mtb::cross-country running:trail running?

In other words, smoother terrain with cylclocross than mtb?

Anonymous said...

"Nothing tastes better than dog food roasted over a Vulcan fire pit.."

Dog does.

Drew said...

Artisinal hobobum fire

Superfly said...

The Tally guy is pimping his super hip room mate.

Rhetoric Al said...

Old 57 Things Guy is just trying to control his own "movements." Poor guy is terribly confused.

Jay Anderson said...

Is there a paddleboardsnoblongbeach.blogspot.com in your future?
Hey, my daughter was in a paddleboard race (it's a lifeguard thing) and I heard another participant talking about how this guy on a stand-up would pass him, then he'd fall off and he'd pass him back - multiple times. I don't think someone that falls in the water that much can be smug. However, they do strike me as the recumbent of the paddleboard world.

CommieCanuck said...

what´s gonna happen if i show up at a cycloss race with my mtb?

You will be beaten to death by <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_wb8bAl1P-N0/TUBP_Kl_-ZI/AAAAAAAASqc/fxCCWQpDMd0/s1600/Reader%2BPoll_%2BWhich%2BSport%2BHas%2Bthe%2BSmuggest%2BParticipants%253F-1.jpg>this guy</a>. Don't ask where that pipe will end up.

I am so getting some hair gel and a pipe tonight.

middle aged man said...

"Here are the spex yo"......ahhh, to be young, dumb and full of____. I miss my twenties.

CommieCanuck said...

meh

this guy

g-roc said...

My money's on Oldsmobike. Chrome's only faster downhill.

Junker said...

NOTO PCAP

69 thing guy said...

Taking 57 things guy out of the gene pool can not be considered murder. Any good lawyer would get you acquitted.

Salty and Sore said...

"odds are I'll get run down by a drunken teenager driving a stolen car with no license who will get off scott-free, the police will pin a $275 ticket for failing to make a proper hand signal to my corpse, and 14 Streetsblog commenters will argue about whether or not I was wearing a helmet."

Spot on, today, Snobbie. Good show!

Due to some unforeseen recent incidents involving the local cycling 'scene', I am refusing to refer to myself a 'cyclist' anymore. I'm going to back to being 'some girl on a bike'. Call it a 'minimalist awakening' if you will. This post just reinforced my decision.

Thank you!

g said...

Fingerbang=suspension

Anonymous said...

how about yachting, polo or squash as the most smug sports? Roadies aren't smug they're just dicks.

Anonymous said...

Distracted Pedestrians:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/26/us/26runners.html?_r=1

no shit... i "meet" dozens of ´em everyday

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of disclaimers, bsnyc/rtms's "...at this moment I have no 'concrete' plans for escaping the New York area." is an attempt to sooth his mother-in-law's concerns about the snob-fam leaving the nyc area...

..."oy vey...so you have the chutzpah to shtup my little princess, you evil bicycle riding shmendrick & now with a precious bubbala for me to adore, you're wanting to be leaving ???...such dreck you'll be dragging me through to see my grandchild...you want that i should be groped like a cheap nafka by some airport putz who only gets his kicks this way...& me, an old bubba, no less...have some rachmones, i'm begging here !!!"...

...as you can see, the great exodus may take some time yet...

Homer Simpsoy said...

Re portland culture:
Dude you forgot Matt Groening

Anonymous said...

uh- burritos in portland? I think you are mistaken with San Francisco mission district. there is an inverse relationship with burritos the farther you get from SF. portland may be better than Olympia but that isn't saying much. understand the mistake. burritos in NY best be called "wraps" which rhymes with what they taste like.

Stupid Name said...

Commie

"cycling is one boring fucking sport to watch. It's asphalt curling."

Cycling has liz hatch, what does curling have?

Anonymous said...

Portland culture:

http://velveteria.com/

meh

Anonymous said...

MINI-malist velodrome

http://www.redbull.com/cs/Satellite/en_INT/Video/red-bull-mini-drome-the-event-clip-021242952112601?refmod=ContentFeed&refmodpos=A2

bikesgonewild said...

...ringcycles...re: "not that there's anything wrong with e.m.forester"...interestingly enough, his headmaster at school used to follow that with "...that a good whipping on the buttocks won't cure"...

...& we all know how those english 'public school' lads evolved...nudge, nudge, wink, wink...

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Salty and Sore said...

@John 1:47-

...and?

ce said...

Salty and Sore, you will be glad to know that in the interests of political correctness I refuse to call anyone a "cyclist". People have disabilities, they should not be defined by them. Likewise, people have bicycles, they should not be defined by them. I prefer the term: "person with a bicycle". A person first and foremost.

Meanwhile, it is technically correct to refer to a person with a recumbent as a: "retard".

Salty and Sore said...

@ce-

Thank you for the point of order. I appreciate the correction.

Tiger Would said...

Anon 4:57,
Thanks for the warning. There's a golf course in Oregon called Bandon Dunes that I'd like to someday play and it might entail a stopover in Portland.

fngerbang said...

Curling does not really have a Liz Hatch, but still

http://theballernews.blogspot.com/2010/02/top-10-hottest-women-of-curling-in.html

Note to self: type in "hot curler" not "hot carl"

Chris said...

I'm gonna go on record as saying that the 57 Things guy is about 56 things short of a full deck. Yeah, I know what I said.

ce said...

Regarding the "rustic cycling apparel models", I'm surprised no one has recognized the shot as a scene from the movie Deliverance. You know, the scene where the two hipster dandies ambush the hapless holidaying hillbillies at gunpoint and sexually assault one of the hillbillies with a bike polo mallet.

ce said...

"Squeal like an elephant trunk skid"

Anonymous said...

"Cycling has liz hatch, what does curling have?"

Eve Muirhead, I suppose....

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Sport/Pix/pictures/2010/2/17/1266451105457/Eve-Muirhead-001.jpg

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

I think it's time we had a unit of measurement for smug. In mathematics and computing circles, ego is measured in units of 'Wolfram', named after the guy who wrote this about himself: "Stephen Wolfram [...] is widely regarded as the most important innovator in technical computing today, as well as one of the world's most original research scientists." We know that distance can be measured in units of sunglasses, weight in units of babies or milk, so what's the SI unit of smug?

cwg said...

I'm sure we've all gone through the minimalism phase; then the "fuck minimalism" phase. It's called "when you graduate from university and get your first job, going from abject poverty to reasonable middle-class comfort"...I know I did, but I passed through that with far less drama.

Biathalon with bikes! Man, i've always thought that would be a fun thing to do. I guess these dudes beat me to it. One thing though: if you can afford beautiful lycra like that, can't you buy a nicer gun? Something that at least won't blow up in your face, like some old relic dug up out of Normandy.

Minimal Maximus said...

Suffering from Irony Deficiency Anemia?

I CAN HELP!

Send for my kidskin virgin leather bound book "Why is Irony always so F*#king Ironic?"

Sold at 'better' Urban Outfitters and American Apparel emporiums nowhere.

Anonymous said...

CWG - I think the unit you are looking for is called a "bogue"

Runr53 said...

Axes, guns and cycling jerseys with dainty print. Geez. I need a beer.

Anonymous said...

Great news! I just found a new team for Contador to compete (fingerbang) for. He will join the Scraper Bike Team http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geIsWq5xOSE They seem to have all the strong support (drugs) a fine rider like Contador needs to come back better than ever next year.

Jacky Keracky said...

Re: Portlandia picture
Are those characters on bikes so high up in the air to avoid the zombies walking behind them?

Anonymous said...

Portland is for cunts! Enough said.

FixieSlayer

Anonymous said...

Don Alejo is going to draft off of you now; http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w41/don_alejo/IMG_5934.jpg

Nostradamus said...

The day the world "began to end"
is the day
Everett Bogue was born.

Anonymous said...

One of New York's most famous icons. The little ad in the New Yorker. The beret guy.
Yup, Portand!

http://www.johnhelmer.com/

my2hands said...

Be proud, be smug...but don't be a fucking dick or I will ride my Titus all over your face.

"...Be, and not seem." - R.W. Emerson

Anonymous said...

Urteter nuytre: http://rovilla.chez.com

Anonymous said...

I just happen to to own the house across the street from a certain bikeportland blogger. You'll be able to easily see what he is up to as he rarely draws the curtains. Contact me with your offer

cyclotourist said...

PEAR LJAM

BIRD ONIT

bikesgonewild said...

...'fuck minimalism'...

...wow !!!...isn't that everett bogue just one profound & edgy motherfucker with that proclamation after all that he's offered the world with his "57 things" campaign ???...

...i'm bettin' one of mr bogue's 'friends' finally said "everett you fucking douche...wake the fuck up, stop sponging off the world & what few friends you have left & take an honest look at where you're at...

..."everybody would be laughing at you if they didn't think you were sadly pathetic, dude...

..."you spent $400 bucks for 2 pair of jeans & if my wife & i didn't house & feed you twice a fucking week like others have to do, you'd be living in a fucking shelter...or be dead...

..."grow a pair, everett, just grow a fucking pair...we're all tired of this shit !!!"
...

...i'm hoping that bogue (bogus ???) secretly reads this blogsite to keep a finger on the pulse of how people respond to him...he's obviously afraid to allow comments on his own site because the +/- ratio was so way out of balance (just guess), so here ya go, you professional con man...

PawnShop said...

Sorry I'm so late posting, but I read earlier that the '57 things' guy said that minimalism is dead.

Spent the rest of the day getting rid of shit.

Anonymous said...

everett pogue needs to die

Anonymous said...

"Many of the smartest people I know are leaving Facebook as well. I predict we’ll see many people leaving over the coming months and adopting Twitter."

Wait... you mean it will just be us dummies left? We should go to Twitter to join the cool kids because Twitter is... so cutting edge?

Hrm.

mikeweb said...

If by "smart" he means as self involved and clueless as he is, then I guess he's right.

It's natural, because what do BS-ers who fancy themselves as visionaries or 'leaders' want? Followers. That's what they crave.

Twitter. Even the name says it all. Like if they renamed the Cadillac Escalade the Cadillac Smalldick.

crosspalms said...

Yeah, but his Tweets will only use 57 characters.

Anonymous said...

Hipster/mod/etc gathering in Miami, apparently....not that I'm planning going.

http://www.modmiami.com/details.html

hey nonny mouse

E. Beau -Goo said...

Brandt-Sorenson makes a lovely $200+ wind vest, it's faux tweed and quite a bargain for such style and quality.

I like how that axe has a collar for mis-strikes OR it's a training weight.

Anonymous said...

b

Stranded said...

Speaking of football, players get suspended for using banned substances all the time, but it doesn't become a media blitz because, first, the media actually understand football, at least vaguely, so they have something else to talk about regarding football other than who got suspended. Second, no team's Super Bowl victory ever got taken away because the quarterback was on drugs. Cycling is a team sport, but most non-cyclists don't understand this, so all they know is that some bigshot cyclist got suspended. Who else was on the team of the suspended former-winner.

CDB said...

Thanks for posting the pic of my brother and I holding the shotgun and axe! Great product exposure. (Check out Brandt-Sorenson clothing on Ebay to get the latest super-exclusive stuff).

Someone asked about the guard on my axe... When the pic was taken at my folks' property, the axe was still new. When you chop a lot of wood, the handle eventually gets broken. (the rare mis-strike usually includes chopped shins & toes, btw.) When one sinks an axe into a large round of wood, the handle makes contact w/ the wood, Especially when the log is 2 feet in diameter!
... (in a related subject, you become quite strong in the torso after chopping wood, which enables you to win bike races!)

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

hey said...

This is a smart blog. I mean it. You have so much knowledge about this issue, and so much passion. You also know how to make people rally behind it, obviously from the responses. Youve got a design here thats not too flashy, but makes a statement as big as what youre saying. Great job, indeed.

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Fixie Bikes said...

The hipster schtick of minimalism is indeed dead. Maybe that's what he was trying to say?

Anonymous said...


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