Friday, January 7, 2011

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Last Wednes Day, the day named in honor of St. Wednes, the patron saint of whatever and stuff, I mentioned that I think more bike company websites should tell you exactly how to use each one of their bike models. But then I realized something: bicycle companies don't really need to do this, because that's what the bicycle media is for. Consider Bicycling magazine, to which I contribute a column. Nobody can distill a bicycle to its essence like the editors of Bicycling. Consider, for example, their summary of the Electra Ticino 1. Wondering what this bike is for? Well, here's your answer:


WHO IT'S BEST FOR: People who get on their bikes to pick up a loaf of sourdough and wander home two hours later

So there you go. If you regularly get a hanking for sourdough bread, set out to buy some, and then suddenly black out and lose hours of time before eventually wandering home confused and disheveled with bits of hay in your hair, the Electra Ticino 1 is the bike for you. Of course, a leading cause of this sort of time loss is alien abduction, so if you pick up a Ticino the first thing you should do is upgrade the saddle to something more comfortable, since the stock one may be a bit too firm for your sensitive, freshly-probed posterior. Or, even better, ignore that inexplicable sourdough craving in the first place, because everybody knows that's how the aliens lure you.

Granted, not everybody who loses chunks of time is an alien abductee--some of them just have metal plates in their heads that don't play well with their household appliances:



Expect Electra to unveil a limited edition Ticino in a special "Cousin Eddie" colorway at this year's Interbike.

Speaking of unveiling, yesterday was the Team Leopard-Trek presentation, and the cycling world got its first look at what was without question the greatest assembly of "Euro hair" that modern civilization has ever seen:

(The scarves are so their hair gel doesn't drip down their shirts and into their underpants.)

At first when I heard all the hubbub about the Leopard presentation I thought Apple was just launching a new operating system, and so I ignored it. But then I realized that this was the new Andy and Frank Schleck team everybody has been talking about. Apparently, Andy Schleck himself came up with the name, though it was subsequently shortened from his very cumbersome "Leopard Attacking a Crocodile Because That Would Be Awesome:"

It would indeed, but there was no way it was going to fit on the tiny jerseys that will cover their spindly, emaciated pro cyclist bodies.

Sadly, I wasn't at the presentation because my invitation dissolved due to exposure to haircare products before it even left Luxembourg, but it does look like it was very exciting. For example, here's an unctuous Fabian Cancellara looking like one of the kids on "You Can't Do That On Television" after they've been "slimed:"

After being dogged by rumors, Cancellara finally admitted to using a Gruber Assist, though it turns out "Gruber" isn't an auxiliary bicycle motor at all but actually the name of his stylist:

(Euro-Hair Curatorial Artisan and Wardrobe Consultant Hans "Magic Hands" Gruber)

Nice assist, Gruber. Your client looks like he's been doing stunt double work for Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters."

Also, Leopard-Trek will, as you might have guessed, ride sweet Treks:

The Di2 electronic shifters will be retrofitted with special "Excuse-O-Matic" technology in the form of a button that will instantly throw the chain should Andy Schleck be unable to answer an attack.

However, Leopard-Trek have already received much criticism for their team kit, which is, admittedly, horrible:

It makes even Mario Cipollini's most flambullient skinsuit seem tasteful.

With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. Here are your instructions:

1) Consume the energy drink or brain tonic of your choice;
2) Study the item;
3) Consider the choices;
4) Click on the one you think is right;
5) Duck.

If it is actually right, leopards will roar and candycorns will rain from the sky. If it's wrong, you'll see this aqua-tandem hydrofoil freakout that was forwarded to me by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and for the love of Lob avoid sourdough!

--BSNYC/RTMS





2) Fill in the blank: Triathlete bike mounting porn is out; _____________________ is in.






3) This advertisement appeared in the year:






4) “I am looking now for a bike that has a hybrid engine,” said Fabian Cancellara. “It’s better for the environment, because a battery is not good.”

--True



(Always look for the Best Made "X:" Your assurance of douchery)

5) Great news for urban fops, faux woodsmen, and outdoor dandies! Bedazzled axe reseller Best Made Company now offers an $89 designer first aid kit for all the dumb hipsters who will inevitably chop off one of their own limbs.






(Fixed-gear spaceship trackstands over Williamsburg, Brooklyn in the year 2100)

6) In the future, all road bikes will have:

--GPS



***Special "Well, Somebody Had To Say It"-Themed Bonus Question***



74 comments:

Sam said...

Victory!

Anonymous said...

fail.

Anonymous said...

yowza!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Macadam!

streepo said...

Top ten again!

Guadzilla said...

Top 10

Anonymous said...

Why are the hydrofoil bike racers wearing helmets?

Eric Lowe said...

10?

mikeweb said...

10? ant1 back in form!

Anonymous said...

TOP 2011?

mike said...

fudge

Anonymous said...

hydrofail?

mikeweb said...

"hanking" = "hankering"?

I believe "hanking" is what Mrs. Azaria does once in a while.

hillbilly said...

jersey actually ain't bad, and it ain't all that pricey, relatively, although i don't know about the sun rays in the crotchal area. do like the dot matrix though

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty! Great quiz!

Anonymous said...

Top, top twenty.... (warbles Feargally..)

hey nonny mouse

crosspalms said...

Best Made gets better and better. How much do they charge for paper clips?

mikeweb said...

Oh. My. LOB! I totally need one of those cyclohydrofoils. Actually 40 of them for my army of lizard-human hybrids.

Yuppies Were Disgusting Enough! said...

Oh that's just great! It's not enough to raid your sister's closet and dress up like a dork anymore. You have to slime your hair now, too, apparently. That doofus in the Pippi Longstocking-turned-biker-slut getup had better stay in his urban niche. No tellin' what might happen to him if he showed up around here looking like that.

ken e. said...

hilarity ensued! thanks snob!

Les Bianczik said...

What bike should I ride if I prefer a marble rye and returning immediately to my home after buying it?

ringcycles said...

I figured out BestMade's business plan. Take ordinary useful items, repackage them, find the regular retail price, and move the decimal point one digit to the right for the "BestMade" price. Brilliant!

Do you think Columbia would give me an MBA for writing that up as a thesis?

SteveL said...

There is no Saint Wednes. Wednesday is named after Woden, viking god of something or other. Thursday is named after Thor, viking good of thunder and rain, hence mud, and so, by inference mountain biking.

crosspalms said...

And Friday is named after fries — French, Belgian, whatever. Mmm, fries

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Bikesnob- Great first week of the two-thousand-elevenses.

Thanks

cyclotourist said...

Team Leopard-Trek preparing for the elephant walk.

portland anonymous said...

my guess is the "leopard" idea is not supporting cipo's call for more machismo in cycling

lob help us if they have a team uniform in leopard print

(tho the leopard who nailed the croc IS a badass)

OBA said...

Fight! Fight! Can't wait to see Snobby and Prolly throw down at the flagpole at 3!

Les Bianczik said...

I found a picture of the Leopard-Trek team uniform

Marcel Da Chump said...

Leopard Trek? Lousy name. Cheetah Chrome, there..

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Prolly:
that Fucking Jersey is uh....um...unique.
Les: A Fucking Segal
Ring: You're just Fucking figuring it out NOW?
Snob: Paragraph 2 ("so there you go...") is Fucking Hilarious

big dork said...

Yeah, What the fuck are they wearing helmets for on those hydro-foil dealies? Does the very act of pedaling require one don a foam hat?

CommieCanuck said...

No, no, no the hair gel is how you properly administer CERA, and the scarf hides the blood doping needle punctures.

CommieCanuck said...

Team Leopard Winter Kit.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Prolly is going down on Snobby at 3?

Anonymous said...

the last question is a trick question, the fat guy in the clown costume didnt pass anyone on his commute

sufferist said...

Missed one. How was I supposed to know about the future cockpits? Happy Weekend to y'all.

yogisurf said...

I felt sticky just looking at the team pictures.

Anonymous said...

Okay... so where are my candycorns??

bikesgonewild said...

...as is being so defensively (by the whole team no less) yet eloquently pointed out in the above 'hair gel' foto, my assessment of feillu & gerdemann's actions was wrong yesterday...

...those were indeed their thumbs...

...my bad...

...consider this a written apology, luxo-leopards but that doesn't change the fact that your new team kit sux...badly...

3G said...

Holy shit one of the best quizzes ever!! Strong 2011 start so far snobby. Bravo

bikesgonewild said...

...maybe prolly'll loan bsnyc/rtms that "heavy metal - not that there's anything wrong with that - just sayin'..." jersey when he heads down to austin, tejas to join his 'buycycling magazine' cohorts for the 'editors choice' product testing & frivolity, coming up soon...

...does mrs snob know what goes on at these alcohol & hooker fueled, industry sponsored pagan events ???...sheesh...

..."baby...can i freshen up your drink before i try & 'coerce' you into choosing OUR product for editors choice ???"...

...i mean, gosh darn, just sayin'...

grog said...

Holy Lobsterporn Leopard Trek!
FUNK WHIZ

db said...

RE: the new kit -- No, no. David Clinger has joined Leopard-Trek.

I am an awesome engine said...

Mona Lisa Vito: That's a bullshit question....
It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.....
No, it is a trick question!....

I really was expecting a David Byrne question.

Japanese hydrofoil racers are fucking awesome.

Team Leopard is not awesome, they don't even seem meh as of now.

Damn awesome week.

Stupid Name said...

"I felt sticky just looking at the team pictures."

I unfortunately felt icky knowing that team leopard even exists.

luciferyellow said...

"Feel the wind"

We want the wind

Hank said...

Thanks for thinking of me man.

frilly said...

Team Leopard...I got nothin'.

Although I actually like those pants CC. I'd wear them.

Fearsome Crotchless Jock Strap said...

Me yabbies is swinging in the Aussie breeze.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Anonymous said...

"Me yabbies is swinging in the Aussie breeze"

Careful, you might find an over-enthusiastic Englishman swingin' at them with a plank of wood......

They're all keen at the moment.

hey nonny mouse

urchin said...

Lycra kit + life jacket = awesome

urchin said...

Lycra kit + life jacket = awesome

Erik A. Strada said...

Prolly's jersey sucks exactly a metric ton of balls.

Anonymous said...

Prolly and BSNYC love affair?

The sexual tension is so thick, you could could cut though it like a recumbent with a carbon fairing through wind

Anonymous said...

Sooooo Sweeeet

Keith said...

Leopards can't swim!

leroy said...

Whew, sorry I'm late. I got a hankering for a loaf of sour dough bread and completely lost track of the time.

On an unrelated note, what's all this talk about Prolly and New Jersey? Is Project Runway coming to 9W?

I say let he who looks dignified in lycra cast the first stone.

Look, it's a paceline! It's an insane clown posse! It's both!

(Oh okay, let he who looks dignified in lycra cast the second stone.)

Ride stylish all!

Janet Lyn said...

For posting that photo of Fabian Cancellara not just once, but twice, I say thank you and merci beaucoup, on behalf of women the world over.

stream of nothing said...

battery powered :)

adam manley said...

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/bik/2151934976.html

adam manley said...

is this an IKEA bike?

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/bik/2145317364.html

Anonymous said...

You must view all of the pics at the NO bike jousting link. I've completely forgiven the Feds for hesitating to send $ and aid after Katrina.

網頁設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

抓姦 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

偵探社 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

尋人 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

討債 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

討債 said...

Thank you, that was extremely valuable.

法律諮詢 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

Is Bigfoot Actual or faux? For over 400 a long time, there happen to be reporting’s of a man like animal that may be wholly coated in hair.
[url=http://www.is-bigfoot-real.com/]is bigfoot real[/url]

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Fixie Bikes said...

The word brompton upsets me ever so.