The Secret to Success: Crawling Before You Can Walk

For centuries, humans not unduly influenced by religious dogma have enjoyed the socially sanctioned state of inebriation that comes from drinking alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, though, humans also tend to combine this state of inebriation with other endeavors that do not lend themselves well to being performed while intoxicated. Among these endeavors are: driving cars; flying planes; making investment decisions; mating; and of course robbing banks.

The reason for this, of course, is that alcohol both increases one's sense of self-confidence and impairs one's judgement. This is a potent mix, and while it might lubricate a party and get it spinning like a freshly-overhauled hub, it's generally disastrous as soon as one actually leaves a party. Things that happen to drunk people after they leave parties include: crashing into trees; getting into fights with strangers; getting into fights with spouses; going home with carriers of "social diseases;" and wetting themselves on the bus. In short, there is no more potent over-the-counter chemical in existence when it comes to getting people into trouble.

This is not to say I'm a teetotaler; far from it. I like nothing more than enjoying a half-gallon of chilled Selvagem on my veranda in the evening. (Well, technically I don't have a veranda, so I break into my neighbor's sukkah instead.) However, I also think it's generally best to refrain from consuming sizable quantities of alcohol when riding your bicycle on busy city streets. This is why I probably would not endorse some sort of "bicycle pub crawl," though that does not appear to have dissuaded the organizers of this particular "pub crawl" from adapting my blog's logo for their promotional purposes (to which I was originally alerted by "g"):

Again, I am not a teetotaler, nor do I think that enjoying a beer or two over a leisurely span of time and then riding a bicycle is particularly reckless. Also, a "bicycle pub crawl" is certainly a better idea than an "automotive pub crawl," and I like to think that the organizers will go about their itinerary in a responsible fashion. (I realize that Harley Davidson riders also do "pub crawls," but inasmuch as the typical Harley rider is well over 100lbs overweight it's very difficult for them to reach a level of intoxication that would actually impair their riding.)

However, I'd also like to think that the organizers would, at some point in the administrative process, send me an email and ask whether I mind their using a variation of my logo--to say nothing of actually asking me if I'd like to join, since I do find myself in Miami from time to time, and as I said above I do enjoy my Selvagem. Alas, neither of these things happened.

Admittedly, the most likely reason neither of these things happened is that the organizers are familiar with the old saw, "Don't ask if you won't like the answer," and my answer to both questions almost certainly would have been, "Nah, sounds dorky." Plus, if anything, the use of the logo is an homage, and I should be honored and not irritated. I mean, it's not like they're putting it on a t-shirt and selling it for money or anything.

Except they are:

To echo the words of many a Miami grandmother, "What, you don't call, you don't write?" At the very least, if they're going to adapt my logo and sell it for themselves they could have offered to buy the designer of the logo (an affable and talented fellow known by the sobriquet "Dirty Greasy Country Jimmy") a beer.

Oh well, so much for the "bike culture."

In any case, I nevertheless wish the "Miami Bike Scene" success with their pub crawl and with their merchandising efforts, though I will reiterate that their logo should in no way imply my approval or endorsement--because if I were to "curate" and endorse a party, you can be sure that it would feature Uncle Magic, the Hip Hop Magician:



Uncle Magic and Shakim the Clown: accept no substitutes.

Of course, I realize that halfheartedly complaining about some harmless fun-seekers referencing my logo in their revelry sounds dangerously close to whining, and that if anything I should be thanking them. It is, after all, an indication that this blog has achieved some measure of "success," and if they can benefit from that success while at the same time enhancing this blog's success then everyone can be happy and drunk and successful. Wars will end, people of different religions will engage in celebratory mutual ambi-sexual dry-humping, and the world will become a real-life John Lennon song complete with unruly pubic bushes. Conversely, it's people being covetous and selfish with regard to their success that causes evil things like wars, and reluctance to dry-hump, and excessive pubic bush preening. Furthermore, complaining about success rivals even the most offensive "hate speech" in its toxicity--and nobody complains about success like a minimalist. Consider that "I only have 57 things" guy, who is now being forced to confront the fact that he may make over $100,000 this year:

Oh no! Confounded wealth! However will he manage to refrain from buying that 58th thing!?! And not only does he have the sickening audacity to complain that his business may make $100,000, but he's also using it as an opportunity to "challenge" everybody else, like some robber baron in a top hat throwing a roll of cash at a bum and daring him to make something of his life.

Well, I've already taken him up on his challenge, and I don't need to sleep on it either. My movement is called "maximalism," and it is a leaderless army of the millions of people who work for somebody else. (Because we all work for somebody else, even if we're self-employed.) This army will use everything at its disposal to bring the forces of minimalism to its knees. (Or, more accurately, knee--real minimalists only have one.) We will take our meager wages, squander them on overpriced Starbucks beverages, and pour them onto the MacBooks and iPads and iPhones of the minimalists, crippling their ability to communicate and to broadcast their twisted philosophy to the world. We will storm the gentrified neighborhoods of America's cities, hurling Frappuccino Molotovs into the open cockpits of convertible Mini Coopers and Volkswagen Beetles, where they will explode in sickly-sweet frothiness. We will return the world to its rightful balance of the "haves" and the "have-nots," and we will eliminate that hated minimalist construct of the "haves-who-have-not," for they are an abomination. Then, we will issue a counter-challenge to "57 things" guy: to take that $100,000 from your business and simply give it away in the name of true minimalism--or, failing that, to insert it tidily up your ass.

Also, we'll sell t-shirts:

Limited edition soy latte-stained "colorway" available soon.

But while I can't stand it when people whine about success, I enjoy few things more than some good old-fashioned bragging, and one person who has proved himself endearingly adept in this area is professional cyclist Alexandre Vinokourov, shown here in his now-famous "maillot myself:"

When this image first surfaced I relished Vino's unabashed celebration of self. Still, something about it bothered me, though I couldn't figure out what it was--until I happened to be watching one of those stupid VH1 shows where a bunch of comedians you've never heard of and Scott Ian from Anthrax (who they evidently keep locked in a closet in the studio) comment on bands and music videos. At one point, they showed a clip from Van Halen's "Panama" video, and it suddenly hit me: during the "We're running a little bit hot tonight" part, right after the scarf dancing sequence, David Lee Roth tumbles over bassist Michael Anthony and reveals that he is wearing a t-shirt bearing his own airbrushed likeness:

So I guess what had been bothering me was that Vino essentially stole his idea from David Lee Roth--though the V-brake-noodle-and-boot bracelet is entirely his own:

Still, this revelation has not diminished my appreciation for Vino's jersey, though I'm not sure how I feel about his forcing his kids to wear it (as forwarded by a reader):

Clearly though, wearing a Vino jersey will get you some ass.

Speaking of success, if you're insecure about your own you might want to consider purchasing a 24-carat gold Brompton, as forwarded to me by a number of readers:

Like all highly exclusive items, it's available on eBay:

It also boasts an impressive list of features, including red "stop cock handles:"

Here we have the ultimate Brompton on offer. 24 carot gold plated as new 2009 model SL2. It has only been cycled around bike shows where it has been on display, total mileage/meterage is 250 meters. The bike was customised as part of a competition for an insurance company http://www.eta.co.uk/2009/09/04/24ct-gold-brompton-ultimate-folder (and I bought the bike of the winner of the raffle. He collected the bike in January 2010). It was heavily customized but I felt it was too 'Blingy' and I have tried to sympathically modify it further but still maintain its uniqueness but make it a proper rideable brompton bike. So out went the white plastic bar grips and white specialised saddle, etc. Warlands of Oxford expertly improved upon the gear shifter which had the habit of changing gear on its own accord when you braked or accelerated too hard. I have added the Brooks classic tan saddle and put on another Gold finger brake lever as well as other bits and bobs.

Overall modifiactions include

24 carot gold plated frame,with copper 'undercoat' (worth £500+)

Two Goldfinger brake levers

Jagwire gold braid brake cables.

Poolball gear lever mechanism

Gold capped spokes

8 ball style Inner tube caps

Red stop cock handles on frame and front stem bolts.

Gold coloured/leather bar grips

Brooks tan B17 saddle

Skate board roller wheels

Normal 2009 model extras including, frame clip, pentaclip, alloy pedals, etc.

I have entered the 2010 Brompton World Championships at Bleinham Palace beginning of October, where I will cruise round the 13 km course on it's final swansong. May see you there. Please don't crash into me!

I am selling it because I need the cash for my baby boy and the time for me to mess around with bromptons is nearing an end (see my other listing for a brompton frame up for auction). Please feel free to ask questions and inspect before bidding. Happy to ship abroad, please enquire with me regarding shipping rates, I've put down a nominal cost of £30. Please note insurance costs will be extra. Prompt and professionally delivery promised, would however prefer collection and cash. Paypal is fine but please note I will need to add 2.5% to cover costs. (I am not a big fan of paypal, they have a license to print money!)

Thanks for looking, and happy safe cycling.

If you like those stop cocks, be sure to cock-block your fellow bidders by using the "Buy It Now" option.