Monday, June 14, 2010

Hairy Situations: Embracing Patterns

This past weekend afforded me little opportunity for relaxation, in that I had to prepare for my upcoming BRA tour. In particular, I had to ready my bicycle for my travels. This is harder than it sounds, for I will be visiting cities with wildly disparate climates and terrain which will almost certainly necessitate different cockpit set-ups. Fortunately, I have ready access to bar ends:

Bar ends are the bicycle equivalent of duct tape in that they can be used to facilitate all types of kludges, workarounds, and jury-riggings. Why spend time and resources changing bars and stems, replacing cables, or unfurling and re-wrapping bar tape when with judicious application of bar ends your hands can find purchase wherever they may land? I expect that by the time I am finished my bicycle cockpit will look like a geodesic dome, and it will evoke the infinitely replicating and expanding patterns depicted by fractals:

Best of all, my thousands of bar ends will also serve as sort of a roll cage in the event of a collision or fall.

Meanwhile, the world of professional cycling is still reeling from an unexpected confession. Many riders and fans have laughed off the notion that Fabian Cancellara used a hidden motor to win both the Tour of Flanders and Paris Roubaix. However, following his Tour de Suisse time trial win Cancellara has now decided to come clean, though in an unexpected twist it turns out the motor is actually hidden in his body and not in the bicycle:

"I have an engine, but it's in my body," Cancellara stated unambiguously. "This is the strongest one you can imagine." We can safely assume that Cancellara means this literally, since he is Swiss and thus incapable of irony. Incidentally, while bionic doping is a new development in the world of cycling, the practice has long been in place in the field of aeronautics, and I'm very much looking forward to the episode in which Cancellara finally takes on Sasquatch:



It may look campy now, but in the 1970s people regarded this as an exquisitely-wrought metaphor for the energy crisis and the decline of the hippie movement.

Of course, as the saying goes, "The more things change, the more they stay the same"--which is something you realize is completely untrue the very first time you attempt to peel and eat a four week-old banana. It is, however, at least somewhat true of energy crises and hippies, for then as now the two seem to go together like oil and hair. Consider the World Naked Bike Ride, which took place in New York City this past Saturday. In honor of the fact that it has successfully stopped the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, I've prepared a (mercifully brief) World Naked Bike Ride Crotchal Scramble. All you have to do is match the right crotch to the face. If you're right, you'll see them both together, and if you're wrong you'll see Mario Cipollini, the patron saint of naked cyclists.

World Naked Bike Ride Crotchal Scramble!*
*(WNBR photos by Jim Kiernan)


1) Which crotch is mine?
















2) Which crotch is mine?














3) Which crotch is mine?













By the way, I was impressed to see that no less a personage than screen legend Robert De Niro stopped by in order to have his nipple professionaly painted:
Also, at least some of the participants sported formidable sideburns:

Though in lieu of the traditional placement on the side of the face, they instead wore them on their inner thighs:


I'm glad to see that, despite the wholesale absence of chamoises, the participants did indeed take the issue of crotchal chafing seriously by using the natural protective qualities of pubic hair. (It's nature's "shammy.")

If nothing else, the World Naked Bike Ride serves to underscore the overly complicated relationship many Americans have with clothing, especially when it comes to cycling. For example, the existence of Lycra cycling clothing continues to vex and confuse both cyclists and non-cyclists alike, and people seem unable to grasp the concept that some rides call for Lycra and some do not. Instead, they divide all of cycledom into Lycra wearers and non-Lycra wearers , and even not wearing Lycra has to have a special name, which is "cycle chic." Moreover, it's apparently even newsworthy, as one reader informs me:

I may be naive, but I continue to believe that one day humanity will reach a point at which we will no longer need to feel special while we do something normal. Putting on pants will cease to be the subject of a feature article. The notion of a "bike culture" will dissolve like body paint in the rain. Riding a bicycle in street clothes will no longer be "cycle chic." Best of all, we will no longer need to be cultural aspirants or fashion models to ride to the store, and the simple act of buying something at that store will not need to be a statement about "sustainability." Instead, we will be regular schlubs doing regular crap, and we will be confident enough to do so without naming it and without baring our inner thigh sideburns in the process.

Of course, there is the danger that we may sweat in the process, but the article did have this bit of helpful advice:
The same advice is quite handy when it comes to pants (thanks to the magical fluid-concealing properties of patterns, Mr. Furley could pretty much do anything in his trousers without anybody being the wiser), though the danger with "embracing prints" is that you could end up wearing something like this:
Perhaps no cyclist is as distressingly attired as the "freerider," whose wardrobe manages to simultaneously evoke video gaming, mixed martial arts, and paintball. People in jerseys like these can often be seen assembled at trailheads not riding long-travel bikes, or else riding them for very short distances and shouting things like "Woo-hoo!" the first time they encounter something big enough to compress their suspension. This jersey also manages to combine two of the most dubious design elements in cycling fashion--these being the faux "six-pack" and the tribal tattoo. Surely the designers at Primal are scrambling to outdo them by incorporating both of these as well as some "Terminator"-style circuitry-under-flesh imagery into a delightfully cheesy ménage à fromage.

Ultimately, though, it is not for us to judge whether someone's choice of bicycle or attire is "right" or "wrong." Really, all that matters is that it works for them. Still, fit can be important, and this video spotted by a reader at "Zlogblog" (which is relatively unsafe for work) shows one technique for determining proper standover height:



While wearing a leotard, simply straddle the top tube and move the bicycle backwards and forwards:

If you experience inner-thigh chafing, then you need a smaller frame--or at least a thicker pair of "sideburns."

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

boosh!

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!

Nogocyclist said...

First on a Custom designed Treadmill Bike

Milkbuff said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

Got to get a life...

Milkbuff said...

top 10?

Milkbuff said...

top 10?

Milkbuff said...

Woops, didn't mean to post that a zillion times. Perhaps that's I being trigger happy. First time in top 10!

ken e. said...

the distance between this post and the spikes in my eyes is not very far!

Jefe said...

Top 20

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Velouria said...

Of all the things I've ever said, apparently it's comments about sweat stains that have the most appeal!

singlespeedspinning said...

oh yeah

Buffalo Bill said...

I just thank lobster that those crotch models weren't, you know, actually naked.

mander said...

"Perhaps no cyclist is as distressingly attired as the "freerider," whose wardrobe manages to simultaneously evoke video gaming, mixed martial arts, and paintball. "

Gold!

PawnShop said...

Hopefully we can get back to maligning Landis, now that Cancellara has confessed to the use of a biological V-Twin.

Apparently, shaving is murder - last time I saw that much thigh hair, kd lang was on stage.
THGH CHMS

Daddo said...

I swear I always thought it was Hurley!!

cyclotourist said...

SIDE BURN

Green leotard said...

Hey, pervo, stop sniffing my top tube!

Anonymous said...

is that what hipsters find attractive? a chick in a "bathing suit" that an 80 year old would wear? all she was missing was the white rubber shower cap.

Anonymous said...

Thats Nicolas Sarkozy, not DeNiro.

Also, this is the worst post to eat your lunch to in the entire BikeSnob compendium.

Anonymous said...

I think she is in desperate need of a top tube pad.

grog said...

Thank lobster for Larry King.

Nogocyclist said...

All I can say is I am glad that Naked Bike Ride is up there and not down here.

Anonymous said...

Thide Burns?

-KP

Anonymous said...

CAMELTOE

streepo said...

I'm pretty sure that the top tube was vertically stiff.

Pimp Daddy said...

EDGY GEAR

g said...

Damn. Completely forgot to ride my bike naked this weekend. Apparently, much like most of the folks in NYC as well.

Anonymous said...

Relaxation and preparation? A likely alibi. How long, Mr Snob, does crotchal chafing take to heal when the area has also been sunburnt?

There's no point denying it, we all know what you were really doing last Saturday! The only question is... did you feel the need to take the Big Dummy along to compensate?

Look I'm sorry, that's not nice. Thanks for typing another funny post... standing up. Now that's commitment.

pedro barboney said...

Miss Lynn leotard = "Sack of Russets"

hoot79er said...

When I die I want to be reincarnated as her top tube.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

"Mercifully brief" = nice one Snobby!

me said...

You've crashed Lynn Pops site. I need more of her lessons.
btw Thanks for not showing us your sideburns today.

JTK said...

BSNYC, redefining cockpit since 2010...

Jefe said...

It just goes to show how little $6million was worth even back during "stagflation." Lee Majors always slowed down and made those springy musical noises whenever his "bionics" clicked on. Cancellera actually speeds up when powering his internal motor. However, the only current equivalent of Sasquash is Floyd Landis - a mythical beast that is now difficult to find.

Anonymous said...

TATR SACK

debichan1a said...

i feel bad for that top tube. it will never be the same again.

sully said...

I didnt realize George W was so badass.He almost beat bigfoot with his own bloody stump.Nice pond jump that didnt quite make it.Very much like the mood of the country at that time.Evil Knievels failure at snake river canyon. jimmy Caerters presidency.I dont have any thing bad to say about fixies today.

Dave said...

Thighbrows!

Anonymous said...

I hope that "which crotch is mine" becomes a regular quiz here.

bikesgonewild said...

...props to lynnpops...

...after the horrorshow of the "naked bike ride" thingy, miz pops toptube polishing was refreshingly delightful...

...pedro 'baloney' barboney...' sack of russets'...ya, right...you wish you were getting better...

hillbilly said...

i think i misunderstood what they meant by "ride fixed". oops.

Anonymous said...

Ok Bike Snob - you SERIOUSLY just made fun of a woman for having pubic hair and not shaving it? Seriously? I'm all about equal opportunity making fun of people and you have made fun of men's body hair plenty of times, but this is going way too far. Why don't you go make fun of your wife's pubic area, and see how she feels about it.

PawnShop said...

Dave @2:25
"Thighbrows"

Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner!

WRD4 THDY

Jefe said...

Anonymous 2:36:

I do not think BSNYC was implying that the woman needed a bikini wax, only that a dainty pruning was appropriate.

CommieCanuck said...

"Ok Bike Snob - you SERIOUSLY just made fun of a woman...bla bla "

He seriously made fun of a woman with pubic creepage, as he has men with back hair who insist on wearing sleeveless shirts. The fact that ridiculing men is ok in your books, but not women is..gasp..sexist.

Personally, either way is fine by me, as I tend not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

ant1 said...

anon 2:36, don't worry. vito and james are putting the final touches on BABYSNOBNYC's birth video. the commentary is pretty scathing.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:36pm,

I just find pubic hair funny regardless of gender, it's really nothing more complicated than that..

--BSNYC

Crotch Al said...

Crap. I aced the crotch quiz.

I must be studying all the time without realizing it.

Nogocyclist said...

Ant1
I was once asked to be the guy holding the camera for a birth video. I was OK until they pulled out the needle to do the spinal block.

I have given myself shots and needles don't generally bother me, but one that looks like it could be a foot long was just too much. Written commentary would be fine, but please no video (at least none of a spinal block.)

Sounds too much like Snob having trouble with Paparazzi anyway..... I would not want to wish that on anyone.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

CommieCanuck said...

"I do not think BSNYC was implying that the woman needed a bikini wax, only that a dainty pruning was appropriate."

They don't need either, but then don't walk around in a bikini. Wear does it end? Colostomy bags?
Eu.

From the looks of it, she made need a Weed Whacker.

Skancellara said...

!!! Breaking news!!!
New Cancellara troubling evidence!!
(warning: in french)

http://www.eurosport.fr/les-commentateurs-velo-eurosport_blog10/cancellara-n%27a-pas-tout-dit_post101262/blogpostfull.shtml

video only:
http://www.wat.tv/video/cancellara-a-pas-tout-dit-2v7qj_2eyx7_.html

ant1 said...

that's not new evidence, it's just more interpretation of the same things we all saw during the race. basically, they noticed the mechanic wasn't in the car between bike changes 1 and 2. we knew that when we saw matti breschel's flat. they're saying the bike changes were premeditated.

Ice Cube said...

HAIL FREEZER

I.C.

Salty Seattle said...

I'm glad this came up, as it allows me to talk about a non-profit organization I'm founding to call attention to an important issue in our time:

WFSMB

Yes.

That's right.

Women For Shaving Male Bush

There's been much discussion around the concept of ball-sucking in this forum, but not a lot of attention to the actual completion of this task. I've been researching this topic [ahem!]...scuse me for that... and I've learned that male porn stars are, these days, shaving as much off in the downtown area, as their female counterparts. If this, revered, segment of our society has found a way to build a bridge to gender equality, than we can too.

Men, I encourage you. If you would like to increase your opportunities for scrotallatio, won't you take the time to... take it off, take it all off?

Salty Seattle said...

As always..

Thank you, Snobbie!

What She Said said...

AYHSMB = All You Haters Should Manscape Better

ant1 said...

salty - are you offering your services?

g said...

I believe the male waxing procedure to which SS is referring is know as an "Ass, Sack and Crack". Ask for it by name so there are no mistakes.

ant1 said...

g - ah, the eternal waxing vs. shaving discussion. i see you and salty are on different sides on this one.

CommieCanuck said...

Salty, this is where you simply don't understand the differences in the sexes. You don't need to convince a man to do anything to get more sex, just tell him to do it, whether it be shaving or painting it green, it will happen. ASAP.

frilly said...

Okay, so I'm seriously considering going on the StL WNBR this Saturday. Thanks Snob, as always, for the guidance on what to wear (if anything). Although I realize even considering going is enough of a faux pas.

streepo said...

CC,
I miss the halcyon days of your daily beaver showings

ant1 said...

Frilly - make sure you take pictures.

frilly said...

I suppose it would be a good opportunity to tell the other side of the story.

Fred said...

I went on a World Naked Bike Ride once, but due to my beard everyone thought I was wearing a Best Young Rider jersey with nipples painted on it.

Shu-Sin said...

did anyone see sasquash on the naked bike ride? i thought i saw him whiz by... oh, anyways... hail the ironic hipster thigh-stache!

PawnShop said...

ant1,
No, but this lass is. So's this one.

I always get mixed up between depilation & exfoliation ( something in the alliteration ). Thus I find myself from time to time at important meetings with flaky skin falling from my face, and a total lack of pantsal friction. Confused, but with a certain spring in my step.

SHVD NADS

wishiwasmerckx said...

The total US population is estimated at 310 million. Presumably, half are female, or 155 million. Out of that 155 million, a few thousand guys on this message board obsess over one.

Frilly, I suspect that about a half-dozen guys just bought plane tickets to St. Louis for this weekend.

Watch your back...and your front, too.

Anonymous said...

To the feminist...hairy girls like me don't like you. if you read the post and ignore the picture, it is pretty clear that gender inequality is really not suggested. I would make fun of anyone with thighbrows on display, regardless of what set of genetalia they are framing. You take things too seriously. Lighten up!

Luck E. Seven said...

Frilly!

I'm fine; thanks for asking. Hope you are too.

Be sure to dial in your crotchal line beard prior to this weekend's WNBR in St Lou. Nothing says "BP is OBSCENE" quite like a deftly manicured lady patch.

Gotta love Mario's Mr. Goodbody TT kit. Suck it, Primal!


A

I am the engine said...

I miss ducks. Thigh-brow are too personal and sad. I miss ducks.

darryl from downunder said...

here in austraila we call those "sideburns" the young lady was wearing "koala bears ears" (or spiders legs)

cheerio

Fabian said...

AYHGSAMCR

All You Haters Grimace Sourly At My Crochtal Region

Vegas said...

I am perplexed by the lack of nudity and bikes in the WNBR photo album.

Salty Seattle said...

Frilly-
Represent!! : )

And I will correct myself. It should have been

PFSMB

People.. Not just Women.

I apologize for being so blatantly sexist.

That said, real men and women are brave enough to shave enough.



I love you all!

theshepherdsdog said...

the song in the last video is pretty dope actually; as is the gorgeous girl

Salty Seattle said...

Oh, yeah!

And WSS--
Yes! nicely done..

ant1-
yes and yes. sorry for getting back to you so late. I was,...uh... busy.

Anonymous said...

Sorry it is not "sideburns" or THIGHBURNS. It is pacoon. look it up http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pacoon

Anonymous said...

知道他有了外遇
面對他的低聲下氣妳冷嘲熱諷、無理取鬧
妳瘋狂似的大吵大鬧
甚至到他的公司去亂、向他的親友抱怨、向鄰居們哭訴…
妳把他的外遇鬧的人盡皆知
最後,妳把他的愧疚消耗殆盡…
最後,妳把他想要回頭的念頭打消…
最後,妳自己把他推向外遇的第三者身邊…

sully said...

At first i didnt have anything bad to say about fixies but that was before I went back and saw Lady GAGA riding a fixie. Reason #674 why fixies have jumped the shark.

Anonymous said...

No matter what the reason for a nude ride might be, only two words stick in my mind like day old chewing gum on my boot: snail trails.

cyclegoddess said...

Queen of M. Oz!

cyclegoddess said...

'not even on my deathbed'!!!
( only frilly may get this one).
I like those tribal six pack jersy thingies.But I actually HAVE a 6 pack and tribal tatts under mine.Ha!

Anonymous said...

I so want to pop Lynn! What potential in those buns.

livingjetlag said...

It's nice to see the Boston Globe (a wholly owned subsidiary of The New York Times) making it into BSNYC. Maybe our dumbass Craigslist bike posts will get mentioned, too. Craigslist, it's Ebay for crazy people!

Gunnar said...

Pubic hair is sexy. Congrats to that nice girl for being natural and beautiful!

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