Thursday, June 17, 2010

BSNYC Road Dairy: Westward Meh



(Non-diary creamer: for those allergic to ongoing records of someone's thoughts and experiences.)

As I continue westward on my BRA tour in an ongoing quest for literary do-meh-nation and the fulfillment of my Meh-nifest Destiny, I prepare to depart Austin this morning and head to San Francisco, hence another early and hastily-"curated" post. In San Francisco, it will be my pleasure to appear at the Sports Basement (my second-favorite retail basement after the "Cheese Basement") at 6:30pm this evening. Prior to this, you can also meet me at Ritual Roasters on Valencia at 4:00pm for a ride from there to the BRA. I very much hope to see you there later today.

In the meantime, while I look forward to arriving in the Land of the Epic Burrito, I will also leave Austin with a heavy heart. My heart is laden not with cheese from the many enchiladas I've eaten during my short stay here ("Heroic Enchiladas" are "Epic Burritos 2.0"); rather, it is heavy with grief, for I very much enjoyed the company of the people I've met as well as my time here. First, there was the very hot (at least to me) "urban ride," during which I perspired profusely:

(Nice shorts, doofus.)

In fact, I was sweating so heroically that my fellow riders needed to employ fenders:


Fashioned from a pair of knobby 29er tires, this is perhaps the most ingenious set of "wheelbrows" I have ever seen, and the only pair capable of withstanding my caustic perspiration:


There was also a Surly Big Dummy, which meant the ride just barely met its smugness quota:


As well as some gratuitous shirtlessness, which meant the ride just barely met its exposed torso quota:


Later, I had the pleasure of seeing my book's coverway displayed prominently in Mellow Johnny's bicycular shoppe:

Though not as prominently as the visage of the shop's owner, which hangs everywhere ominously and haunts patrons at every turn. It even stares menacingly at you when you use the bathroom:

It's enough to induce urinary "stage fright." (They say this picture has holes for eyes, and sometimes he watches you.)

While I waited for people to arrive, I rummaged around in the basement, where the mechanics were fitting Team RadioShack Trek Madones with Gruber Assists. I also spotted the aging shop owner's old Eddy Merckx time trial bike, which he last raced back in 1968:

Perhaps they were readying it for a run at this year's Tour de France.

Also in the basement was this eerily luminescent shrine to the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company:

It sounds like this, and as I stood before it I soon found myself bleeding inexplicably from the nose and ears.

But old TT bikes and Madone-oliths aren't the only things they keep in the basement at Mellow Johnny's. It turns out they keep retired professional rider Kevin Livingston down there too:

Don't let the phallic name and the "training center" ruse fool you--this is a prison. I thought it was especially cruel that the Mellow Johnny's staff wouldn't let me feed Kevin Livingston, because it was obvious from the way he was eyeing my "heroic enchilada" and salivating that he was hungry. At one point, one of the staff almost let me in, but then the eyes in one of the Lance Armstrong posters shifted slightly and I was quickly ushered from the room. I'm pretty sure the sounds I heard as I left were his screams.

Once topside, I emerged to find a crowd of beaming Austinites assembled to see my PowerPoint presentation:

Here's the view from the back, where I also waited for the PowerPoint presentation until I realized that it was I who was presenting it:


By the way, I do think I'm warranted in calling this assembly a "crowd," as opposed to, say, a "small gathering" or a "klatch." To me, a "crowd" is any group of people large enough to trample you in the event of an emergency, such as a fire or the escape of Kevin Livingston. I'm sure that if, during my PowerPoint presentation, someone had screamed, "He's loose!," I would be typing this with shoe prints on my forehead. So I'm calling this a "crowd" and I'm sticking with it.

After the PowerPoint presentation I ruined some books by scribbling in them, and then we held a "costume pageant." Here's a photo an attendee was kind enough to "Tweet" of me judging the winner:

I suspect he did not actually have to dress up and instead simply came as he was, but I awarded him first prize nevertheless.

By the way, while you may not want to actually read my book, I would point out that it does make for ideal pretentious front rack "portaging" material:


Anyway, during the festivities, some rapscallions took the opportunity to sticker my bicycle, both here:

And here:

Fortunately, the rest of my person remained unbranded.

Thank you very much to everybody who came, and to Mellow Johnny's for being great hosts. Hope to see you in San Francisco later today.

--BSNYC/RTMS



104 comments:

Tiny said...

First?

Anonymous said...

Yes!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Astroluc said...

~yawn~

It's too early...

ronnie raygun said...

Meh!

singlespeedspinning said...

oh yeah

mikeweb said...

Peddle hard, Snob. Peddle hard.

Anonymous said...

bam

Jefe said...

Easy Top 10. Did some refried beans keep you up all night?

ronnie raygun said...

Bikesnob. I am only going to say this once, and I've never been more serious. When you get to Portland, for your epic burrito experience, La Bonita on Alberta st. Plus it's the area where the fixies swarm and migrate.

Anonymous said...

Damn it!

Anonymous said...

bonjour!

I am the engine.... said...

woo woo

I am the engine said...

woo wooo

jrishel said...

what, no chicken suit and ironic orange julius bike?

Rt. Hon. Mr. Fink said...

Hi Mom!!

PawnShop said...

Bikes. Bras. Burritos.
The blogular trifecta.
AYHPMK (...Palp My Klatsch)

Marc said...

Top 10!

great time last night at the Austin BRA.

I am the engine said...

Those 29 er tires look brand new. So instead of buying 29.00 fenders, he has used a razor knife on 140.00 tires to make a meaningful design statement. Texans are even more wasteful than I could have thought.

I love the holy shrine to Trek in the basement, what a great way to sell bikes.

Anonymous said...

top 10?

I got the book yesterday. Fine work, excellent curaton.

Anonymous said...

early baby

mikeweb said...

engine:

I was thinking the same thing. I hope at least he only carved up one perfectly fine tire to create both 'halves' of the fenders.

Using 2 tires would just be too much conspicuous consumption. Like driving your Escalade 2 blocks from your house to pick up a Happy Meal at the McD's drive through, idling while you wait for the food, with the AC full blast and all the windows wide open. Plus it would be pretty stupid.

Anonymous said...

that was a fantastic post!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

You are not so wormy and scrawny in person.

Maureen said...

I braved only the main floor of Mellow Johnny's for the BRA, which is good because mere photos of the basement made me break out in hives of hate. HATE MELLOW JOHNNY'S; GAH. The Snob was great, though!

Anonymous said...

God damn do you people even read the post before commenting?

Anonymous said...

is the cute little barista chick still there? I miss her.

thegock said...

PANT ANI!

Anonymous said...

Re: urinary stage fright.
Akin to "stadium dick" - when you are
surrounded at the latrine, you really
NEED to go, but the pump won't prime.
frightening indeed. nice early post.

Tara said...

I want an autographed copy, but you aren't coming to a city near me...suggestions?

R.R. said...

hey bsnyc,

i thought you'd want to know that the ny daily news has your book listed as one of 50 recommended items to purchase for dads on father's day. now that's big time!:)

-RR

g said...

After defecting to Telekom, Kevin should be happy to be alive. Look at what happened to MP after the "no gifts" fiasco. I hear that Jan almost got kicked out of the tour for not peeing in a cup after that stage in 2001. Then the officials reviewed the tape, saw the look and let a whimpering, drooling Ullrich slink back to his bus where he cried himself to sleep.
Ask Floyd if you should test those eyes. He's waiting to die.

hillbilly said...

strangely dan brown-esque

chan said...

Did you choose to keep #1 bike-city Minneapolis off your BRA tour due to our lack of epic/heroic tex-mex foodstuffs?

While I empathize, I could sure use some of yer graffiti on my copy of the book. Pretty sure we could track down some gallant hot-dish in the area.

Alan Arvesen said...

Snob - congrats on slaying it in Austin last night. I am pleased to have barely made it into the photo of the tens of people gathered there.

A broad cross section of the population assembled at Mellow Johnny's. Epic moustachers, bike messengers, fat guys like me, and the old lady who told Snob that he was just "so funny" all showed up. After careful curation, I discerned that the common attribute of Snobfans in ATX is that they are all sweaty.

Omnia malefici etc. Here's to my new knuck tats, BIEK SONB.

P.S. I was the one on the bicycle

Anonymous said...

wait, what? how am i 3 hours late and still top 20ish?

leroy said...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Can't pee in a cup
With Lance staring at you.

Actually, I thought the LAF poster in the loo was Mellow Johnny's way of reminding mechanics to wash hands before returning to work.

BSNYC -- if you're going to San Francisco, be sure to curate some flowers in your hair. (Any flowers will do as long as their names are easily rhymed.)

Daddo said...

that's not your book being ported, that is your book being used as a wheelbrow - cause, you know, its probably urine (even in Austin)

Anonymous said...

Valencia to Bryant? That sounds like a route perfectly suited for cliche and stereotype. The beauty of riding in SF is the 2000 vertical foot lunch.

I hope somebody takes you on a real ride.

PawnShop said...

On the internet, nobody knows you ride a Trek.

ANON YMTY

Shu-Sin said...

i can't seem to keep this BRA on...

David said...

Don't expose yer torso when Lance is looking!

Anonymous said...

I hope that cash register was singing. Lance needs cash fast, he has to pay off Tyler and Frankie before things go legal beagle.

Anonymous said...

WOW theres a lot of white people in Austin. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

tail said...

Lance

Johann S said...

Hi Mr. Snob.

It is hard to get a word in edgewise around here, so I hope you see this. I just wanted to tell you that I think your book is beautiful, and I enjoyed reading every page!

Salty and Sore said...

Pause in the action:

My Salty Seattle persona was abducted by aliens and was brainwashed into becoming:

Salty and Sore

My blog, and comments to various other bloggers, will, therefore, be under Salty Seattle's pseudonym, Salty and Sore, moving forward.

I apologize for vainly posting my blog here, but I wanted to clarify my rebranding efforts before proceeding.

Now to read Snobbie's post. And yesterday's, per said alien abduction.

Carry on.

Jessica, a Austin Runner AND triathlete said...

love bike taggers!!!!!!!

love-

the triathlete that didn't dress up last night

Anonymous said...

don't look now, but I think the pre-steriod Danny Bonaduce looking guy in the middle of the picture of beaming austinites was also eyeing your heroic enchilada. you have to watch them there texans. speaking of which did you share an MGD 64 with Lance while in town?

Jared said...

Thanks for the visit Snob! I made it for the book signing but had to leave before the costume contest. There were a gaggle of bike hipsters there that would have all tied for First over the guy who won. I don't think one of their Chrome bags were full.

Anonymous said...

Snob, I'm one of your biggest fans, and have already ordered and read your book. I wish you much success. I live in the Bay Area, and would TOTALLY LOVE to go see you this evening, but the one event that would keep me from doing so is also happening tonight. The Lakers-Celtics are playing game 7 tonight. GAME SEVEN. So, while I would love love love to meet you, I'll have to pass. Unless you want to blow off the event yourself and come over to my place to watch the game? GO LAKERS!

Milkbuff said...

Sleeping too late makes me miss the podium. Dawogghe!

grog said...

Epic: Madone-oliths

Your book is gold, and it makes a great Fathers Day gift. But then, so does a Madone.

Keep on riding, cowboy.

Shaun said...

"Free Kevin Livingston"

I'm going to have bumper stickers and t-shirts made-up; à la the "Free Tibet" campaign.

CommieCanuck said...

Those Mellow Johnny urinals would be a great source of clean pee for Lance's drug tests, if they weren't in Ostentatious.

Enough book tour! When are we going to hear about the making of "SNOB: The Movie", are Rip torn and Elija Wood available? Will we be seeing CG-rendered fixies exploding? I hear Ang Lee is free..doin' nothin'...just sayin'.

Rick Donkey said...

At first I thought those knobby fenders were crafty and clever too. I surmised the tires themselves were actually fenders, with closer scrutiny I realized they're just a fucking veneer.

LK said...

RTMS needs some sun on his legs. Whoa!

Anonymous said...

I'm a L.A. transplant new to the Bay Area unable to attend the BRA due to the Lakers game 7. Although you may be expecting an epic burrito here, my limited S.F. taqueria experience has been underwhelming. Unless you like your burritos jammed with rice and unsmushed beans, stick to the other ethnic foods. The farther south you go in Ca. the better the mexican food. You would be sure to find the burrito you seek in San Diego. But don't let that slow your roll in Frisco. I've lived in Cali my whole life and find downtown the closest thing to the east coast on the west coast. Welcome to the west coast. (Best coast)

innerlighter said...

Snobby, if I can get off my duff, and escape the gravitational pull of the smugness of my own little "Former #1 Bike City in America", then I'll see you in SF.
Meanwile, might I recommend Papalote for your burrtiocluar experienceway. Probably better than the Austintatious Mehnchiladas.

Anonymous said...

Snobby, I can't believe you're not coming to Boulder. Unlimited opportunities for ironic commentary plus the riding is great!

innerlighter said...

Further, it's pretty damn easy to get to Ritual from there. Which is good, because you shouldn't ride a bike for 30 minutes after consuming an epic burrito or you could drown.

innerlighter said...

...in smugness, of course.

Daddo said...

Go to the BRA...Celtics are going to:

BEAT LA!!

innerlighter said...

Grrrr. Shoulda checked my link. Anyway, it's a whole 3 blocks to go from pinto beans to coffee beans.

Hugh Chardon said...

No doubt about it, my enchilada is truly epic.

ant1 said...

innerlighter - bad link

innerlighter said...

Ant, ah! I got it figured out.
beans to beans route map

Marc said...

Great idea to take along a plain bike and get it stickered up at each stop.

CommieCanuck, if you think the urine is Austin is "clean", then you haven't spent much time here. Although the findings probably wouldn't point to any "performance enhancing" drugs.

ant1 said...

much better!

CommieCanuck said...

Marc,

"Those Mellow Johnny urinals would be a great source of clean pee for Lance's drug tests, if they weren't in Ostentatious.

Reading is fun.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed checking out the preview of the book on the publisher's site, including the parts chart. I wonder what is the precise difference between a "deraillieur" (front) and a "deraillieuer" (rear)?

Each appears to be different in its own way from the usual "derailleur", but who am I to judge one's special love for vowels?

CommieCanuck said...

Whoa, God is pissed

John Marr said...

Valencia Street after Mexico wins a World Cup game? Should be interesting...

ant1 said...

CC - jesus statues have always been a lightning rod for controversy.

Anonymous said...

Nothing about today being the most revered of holidays for bike geeks - Eddy Merckx's birthday?!?

You're slipping, snob.

Sigurd said...

WTF is up with a picture of Lance looking really intense, when you're trying to pee?! I'd have to flip that frame so Johnny faced the wall. And that urine-coloured sink ... ewww. I wonder what they sacrifice on the Altar of Trek? I'm thinking recumbents (aiieee!), unicycles and such.

RUBR JHNY

Anonymous said...

BSNY/RTMS: Compact crankway?

-april said...

You two SF riders who claim to be Snob fans but are skipping for a basketball game should either go to San Jose tomorrow or do what Homer does and listen to the game over your iPod while at Sports Basement.

Marc said...

CommieCanuck,

Ah, yes. I missed your comment there. Thought you were referring to the urinals as ostentatious, which they aren't, they're just plain old urinals and covered in pee at that. Hardly ostentatious. On the other hand, when referring to Austin as being ostentatious, it is appropriate to use the correct spelling. Austintatious. It has the bonus effect of being both ostentatious and pretentious (not to mention a homophone or is that just a synonym??? Perhaps I need to read more.) Anyway, forgive me of my oversight. Time for a beer summit?

Cheers!

innerlighter said...

Commie,
Yeah, but Jesus is stoked!

Anonymous said...

snobby,
thanks for helmet, though would have liked a free book instead. first time to read your blog, hilarious shit brother. glad you enjoyed austin, no apoligies on bike tags. happy riding.
-rtl

Salty and Sore said...

@innerlighter

Sold! I'm moving.

uhm.. wait. How much was SF real estate again?

gregoryyy said...

The parking lot at a Home Depot would have been a much better venue snob. There are sheds a plenty and lots of lawn chairs and,eh,more variety.

I am scared of that bike Boutique,even with the street cred.All it needs is a Mike Giant.

Anonymous said...

I've got a compact lawn locker type shed. It's got 26 inch wide doors but I have seen those new 29er doors around and am wondering if the extra width will give me more leverage for opening and closing as they claim. If so, as my shed isn't in a particularly windy spot, would that extra leverage be overkill? I have a 31inch inner arm length, I suppose that should be taken into account when fitting a shed. By the way I gave my shed a custom paint job, I'll post some photos soon. Fuck I love sheds! If everyone had a shed we could totally solve the worlds storage problems. Thanks for the great shed blog.

ce

Anonymous said...

sorry, thought I was typing in the other tab I had open, Shed Head Blog.

ce

Anonymous said...

There were twelve at the table. Bike Snob, Floyd the Betrayer and ten Mellow Johnny's employees. They were sitting together for the post BRA supper, when the guest of honour walked in, Lance Armstrong of urinal poster fame. After greeting everyone Lance went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle. That's funny, thought Bike Snob, you shouldn't chill red wine. Pouring everyone a glass Lance pronounced "This is my blood..."

ce

Anonymous said...

oops: announced, not pronounced

cyclotourist said...

Is that a photo of shirtless Matthew McConaughey?

Anonymous said...

The bike with the knobbly tyre fenders has so many levels of wrong - I just don't know where to start.

Anonymous said...

Funny, the last time I was down in the MJ's basement, that Trek Madone shrine sounded more like a swarm of vuvuzelas, or a Chris King rear hub, rather than the monolith on the moon...

Hey, I just realized... "Mellow Johnny's" = "MJ" ... not that there's anything WRONG with that...

Judi said...

hey yo - wish you were stopping in cincinnati. shalom!

Anonymous said...

The woman in the purple top (standing to the left of the red headed pervert...who is most likely snobbies brother) looks to have a nice set of "Shirt Yabbies"

ant1 said...

"shirt yabbies," nice wordway!

Anonymous said...

nice chainline, bra

cyclegoddess said...

Queen of Mtns Oz!

cyclegoddess said...

Id like to be sacrficed on that Trek altar, by The Lance. Im not a virgin per se, but I recovered from a bad illness and havent rode my first mountain yet. ( mtn virgin)
I just hope its sex cult and not one of those satanic things...

theshepherdsdog said...

cool, looks like a great time. and i need to watch 2001 a space odyssey again, that movie is rad.

Frank Irwin said...

Ok, BSNYC, I finally put the bar tape on my Colnago today. Thanks for shaming me into it.

Anonymous said...

Gerard Vroomen won't be pleased that you forgot
Torchy Peden, or that the 1904 Olympic gold in soccer went to Canada.

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fixie bikes said...

"westward meh" made me laugh