Monday, June 21, 2010

BSNYC Road Dairy: Belated Birthdays and Happy Returns

(The road takes its toll, by Erik K)

Sunday, June 13th, marked the third birthday of this blog, one it shares with the artist Christo, the Brazilian statesman José Bonifácio de Andrade e Silva, and both Olsen twins. While I tend to ignore my own personal birthday since I had very little to do with my own conception, I do like to celebrate my blogular birthday since not only was I involved in its conception but I did it all by myself. In that sense, this blog is really the result of too much mental "foffing off" on the part of its "curator," but nevertheless I am very proud of it.

This year, though, I actually forgot my own blogular birthday, so preoccupied was I with (among other things) preparing for my BRA tour, which reached its conclusion in Portland, Oregon yesterday evening. Even so, the warm reception I have received from readers in the cities I have visited has been the greatest present for which a blog could ask (apart from pictures of fluffy animals with funny captions on them or photos of mishaps accompanied by the word "FAIL," of course, which blogs like most of all). It was something I never would have imagined three years ago, and something I can scarcely believe even now. So voluminous is the clump of my gratitude that I can scarcely express it, and as I type this it feels as though it is stuck between my heart and my fingers like a hairball in a freerider's CamelBak tube. (Hydration tip: don't let your cat sleep in your CamelBak.)

However, as much as I have enjoyed my tour, I am also looking forward to arriving home this evening and to eventually returning this blog to a state of normalcy in which it does not need to compete with BRAs for attention. Meanwhile, though, until such time as I repatriate and once again take up residence back on my side of the Big Skanky, I still inhabit the BRAniverse, and the past few days have been stuffed with BRAs like the "intimates" section at JCPenney. For example, the morning after Thursday's San Francisco BRA, I traveled south in order to visit the "plex" of a company famous for its popular search engine.

I expect this visit to be uploaded to the company's popular video sharing website soon, but in the meantime I will say that not only do they have a beach volleyball court:


But they also have restrooms stocked with more feminine hygiene products than your local Rite Aid:

Also, nobody does any discernible work at this "plex," and after my BRA they simply wandered around in the sunshine enjoying their abundant corporate amenities and congratulating one another on being the future.

Later that day, it was on to an intimate gathering at the Barnes & Noble in San Jose:

Cunningly, Barnes & Noble held the event right next to the children's section, which made me a bit self-conscious inasmuch as my slideshow contained at least two photos of a semi-nude woman as well as use of the word "motherfucker." I was also repeatedly interrupted by periodic in-store announcements summoning various employees to the register.

Following the Barnes & Noble appearance I joined the San Jose Bike Party at the request of my handler:

There were all types of bicycles and riders, including an abundance--indeed, a surfeit--of "fixies," as well as more flat-brim fitted caps than I've ever seen assembled in one place:


Furthermore, some if not all of these "fixies" arrived in the back seats of convertibles:


"One Less Car"--as soon as this guy finds a parking space.

I felt very uncomfortable at the San Jose Bike Party, chiefly because my bike's colorway did not match my hairway:


Also, many of the participants rode bicycles that featured the worst elements of customized motor vehicles (such as the ability to blast really bad music) while omitting some of the better ones (such the ability of the vehicle to drive quickly out of earshot):

Other participants were simply happy to get into their aerobars and make repeated attempts at the land speed record for child "portaging:"


While some people were simply content to "party" on foot:

("Screw the bikes, we're walking.")

As night fell, some of the "fixie" riders started getting way too proud of their road rash:

Being proud of crashing in any ride (much less one that moves at 4mph and is led by a guy on a recumbent with a Lite-Brite mohawk) is sort of like showing off injuries you sustained while trying to use a public restroom.

I did get to see the "Bukkake or Die" bike though:

I know what "bukkake" means, and I know what "die" means, but I'm not sure how they go together, nor do I understand how the rider keeps finding himself in situations in which he must choose between the two.

All the while, people were screaming "Bike Party!," and it reaffirmed for me the first rule of group rides, which is: "Avoid rides on which participants call out the name of the ride during the ride." This is the equivalent of shouting out "Grocery shopping!" while you're "hitting up" the Safeway. Notice professional cyclists don't shout "Paris-Roubaix!" while they power over the cobbles--though I would like to see the people from Rapha yelling "Epic ride!" as they crest another picturesque summit.

Shortly after this, three people to whom I will forever remain extremely grateful spirited me away, and early the next morning it was onto Seattle, where I stared down the semi-plussed expressions of a sizeable crowd:


After the slideshow, Bike Works gave away some prizes, and I took my revenge on Seattle by vandalizing their books with a Sharpie:


I also met a woman who allowed me to take a photo of her tattoo, which I once posted on this blog:


Then, some of Seattle's smuggest, clad in their best wool knickers, took me to get a burrito:


But not before spiriting me away into the forest:

Smug Pacific Northwesterners love to spirit people away into the forest, though I can't say I mind since I appreciate lush flora and in particular I greatly enjoy looking at "fern porn:"

It's like a pteridophyte bukkake film.

Incidentally, speaking of cresting summits (I was a bit earlier), I've noticed that, on non-competitive rides containing mixed types of bicycles, you can always expect the track bike rider to try to be first over the climb:

I suspect they're a bit defensive and are trying to prove a point.

Here are the burrito wranglers, whose company I greatly enjoyed, in the act of savoring their burritos and barely tolerating my company:

Then, on the way back to my quarters, I managed to fall off my bicycle while attempting the simple act of taking a photograph.

The next day it was on to Portland, which shall be the subject of a future post. In the meantime, I thank you once again for attending (assuming you did), and I look forward to my return trip.

--BSNYC/RTMS

92 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

bam

Anonymous said...

bam

Anonymous said...

ba bam

Jefe said...

The Sun also rises. Top 5.

Anonymous said...

Poulidor!

Up all night, time for bed.

ronnie raygun said...

My EPO wore off!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

mikeweb said...

Hey, in the bookstore crowd shot, isn't that woman on the right the Mom from "Six Feet Under"?

Kim Jong-illin' said...

I'm for the PRK.

Granola Joe said...

That girl with the bicycle tattoo has either henna'd her fingers or put her thumb where...

oh well, never mind.

Bad Lawyer said...

Good Morning, Snob, must be the travel, your posting scheme has been way-off. In any event I had wonderful ride yesterday with a native-NYC-er and we talked about BikeSnob the book and many other things germane to cyber-cycling. Stay cool.

Astroluc said...

home on the range...

Nogocyclist said...

?

Anonymous said...

I'm digging the chick with the pink hair and the pink wheels.Where can i get something like that?The bike not the girl.

Marc said...

Well, Happy Birthday to the blog. I'm very thankful for the daily entertainment.

Anonymous said...

First time at the Bike Party, very scary. Rirst place I have seen Hipster ink and Prison ink freely intermingling. What was that funny smell?

Elliot said...

Enjoyed the Seattle BRA! And thanks for the fabulous prizeways, I needed a new helmet.

MUCH RAIN

Anonymous said...

peehole

-april said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
-april said...

I know "Bike Party" isn't your thing, but thanks for tolerating it for a while. Your presentations were hilarious & perfect for the audience. Great to finally meet you!

Bad Lawyer said...

I always find the pictures of your tour-events hilarious, nothing liike seeing a bunch of people sitting around at a bicycling-event.

Anonymous said...

You are beginning to look a bit like Rip Torn, aren't you?

Jen said...

Speaking of Rip Torn, there's only one degree of separation between him that cinematic classic, "Breaking Away." What is it?

TREE HUGS
SOLS TICE

eric aldinger said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eric aldinger said...

Now that I can place a face to the blog, I find it hard to take your writing quite so seriously. Mind you I thought you looked more like this

http://www.youbundle.com/uploads/images/bundles/9f2fbeddc12c98bc9e6bb62bf325b807.jpg

Anyway it was nice to see you and your comment about how the and why the blog displaced your publishing job was menaingful. Thanks.

hillbilly said...

happy birthday, all you haters read my blogular item

i like seattle, but that crowd shot looks a bit creepy

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you will indulge me, I would like to fast-forward 20 years. The post will look something like this:

Today is the 23rd anniversary of this blog. Thank you to all my loyal readers over the years.

In bike news, the Trek PR people announced today that, bowing to popular demand, they will begin offering their line of hoverbikes in a single-speed configuration.

Wish luck to Canadian Prime Minister and longtime reader CommieCanuck in his Niagra Falls summit later today with US President Miley Ray Cyrus.

On a more personal note, a shout-out to Eben, Jr., who last week graduated from Yeshiva High School here in Brooklyn.

My prostate continues to torture me on a daily basis. Turns out those recumbent riders had it right all along. Who knew?

Finally, best wishes to Bikesgonewild on today, his 100th birthday.

Name said...

Erik K,

That picture is awesome. Cheers!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

wiwm - Wow! what do you got a crystal ball?

Congrats Mr. Snob on a fine bra tour!

Jaye said...

Happy birthday BikeSnob!
& LOL@BMWw/fixie.

Yokota Fritz said...

BIKE PARTY!

Today is BGW's birthday?

CommieCanuck said...

I like these, "Snob Across America" posts, however, there are definitely some plussed and non-plussed faces in the B&N crowd. Maybe they remember the days when it was possible to buy a book from someone other than misters Barnes or Noble, or maybe they are confused as to what a "book" is, as it's kinda like an iPad that you can take to the toilet.

Thanks WWM for the soothsaying about the Canadian political future. The campaign that won it all was, "Cut taxes, spend more, and invade some bullshit country we hang around for 11 years while your kids get picked off one by one".

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

FERN
PORN

Jefe said...

Ah yes, 2030, it seems just like yesterday. For my 71st birthday, I got a new Pinarello Berlusconi, a 2-pound bike made from a silk-resin compound. It has a solar battery for shifting and can be converted to wind power on HC climbs. Congrats to Lance on his 21st TDF win.

wishiwasmerckx said...

More from 2030:

Eben, Jr.'s senior thesis, "Parallels between the Fixed Gear Apocalypse and the Holocaust" was reprinted in the Sunday NY Times.

Anonymous said...

Happy father's day snob daddy.

g said...

The Hokey Pokey was what it was all about. Who woulda guessed?

I am the engine said...

After seeing your travel-log pictures, I wish I lived in San-Jose. How do I get a private book signing talk, like google? I take my IPAD to the toilet, is that wrong?

Fred said...

Totally meant to go on the Portland ride, but I had an unfortunate incident involving my beard, a poorly fastened SPD sandal, an opossum carcass, an unexpected pot-hole full of industrial effluent, a well-sealed package of mustard, an overly dry sandwich, the twitchy handling of my race recumbent, and a heated conversation about which Farrah Fawcett poster was the best one (it's the one with the nipple). Also, it was raining.

Thanks for coming to our town, Snob!

biorider said...

Great snobtacular slideshow in SJ.

The touring bike apocalypse is upon us. Today I saw a near-hipster riding his late-model Novara Randonee, sporting wheelbrows but carrying a near-empty Timbuktu messenger bag.

We’ll need a Randodex shortly. Looks like REI discontinued the Randonee.

biorider said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

"I take my IPAD to the toilet, is that wrong?"

I'm sorry sir, you iPad has been flagged by using its internal GPS sensor to locate it within a toilet stall. It was Steve Jobs who said, "no one shits any more".

CommieCanuck said...

"...and a heated conversation about which Farrah Fawcett poster was the best one (it's the one with the nipple)."

Well duh, everyone knows that.

Anonymous said...

those seatle freaks in the last picture look eerily tranquil and happy. Last time I saw that look was in an old picture from the Koolaid line at Jonestown. I hope you made it out of there okay.

djR said...

I live near San Jose but was in Texas for work. I did manage to drive down from Dallas to Austin to catch your BRA, which I am really glad that I was able to attend. However I had a feeling you were going to join the Bike Party being as that your BRA coincided with the monthly event. Sad that I was not going to be able to Bike Party with you, I purchased two copies of your book and will (in your honor) use the cover of one as a spoke card at the next Bike Party.

Cheers,

Salty and Sore said...

Yes.

The secret's out. Seattle is eerily creepy, yet serene. Little known fact: true Seattle-ites are a tribal subset of North America, originally mothered by Morticia Adams.

And Yes, I'm in Snob's crowd shot! I'm behind the guy in the maroon.

Oh wait. Nah, you can't actually see me. Phew!

Oh well.

AYHSMF
(All you haters, suck my fern.)

grog said...

Happy Blogday, Summer Solstice, Bike Party
Come home

Shaun said...

I finally made it to a local purveyor of fine literature. It turned out that they had Snob's book too. So I picked-up a copy.

Jimmy Zamora said...

We were glad to spirit you away! None of us were actual bike partiers and you looked pretty miserable but we were happy to be riding with you. Take care and happy Fathers Day.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...i'll never make it to a 100 at this rate...i was enjoying your projected extrapolation & as i got to the end, i started laughing so hard i think i spit up a lung...nice !!!...

...fritz...nope...beginning of may...he was "just sayin'"...

...& eric k...hate to say it but even by san francisco, bsnyc/rtms was startin' to get "that look"...such prescience on your part...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...happy belated blirthday...hmmm, blogthday ???...sheesh, i don't know but, well, you get the picture, bsnyc/rtms...

..i for one am happy you 'got the picture' three years ago & came up w/ what is a unique presentation of one man's thoughts on cycling...

...& the book is an excellent counter-point to the site because despite the 'bikesnob style' it's extremely inclusive...

...case in point...the blog undoubtedly draws lots of "fuck that bikesnob guy" from newbies who looked in after hearing about it...

...the book is more "hey, this is pretty fucking cool, i like this guy's perspective" kinda thing...

...just sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of 'plussed & 'nonplussed' faces at the sj b&n, that 'smiling visage' (goofy grin ???) front & (left of) center is none other than the esteemed 'yokota fritz', he of the excellently rated cyclelicio.us blogsite...

...ed grimley called, fritz...he wants his hair back...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/1802209278.html


If anyone is interested, I found this fixed wheel bike for sale on the Seattle cragslist...

red neckerson said...

commie

it might be some bullshit country but now its our bullshit country

fuck you

something like that

bikesgonewild said...

...salty & sore...

...did you get the 'mission burrito' (w/ extra california sunshine salsa) i sent you ???...

...hopefully it didn't go to the "other" salty seattle...

Yokota Fritz said...

@bgw -- I slicked my hair up special just for BSNYC!

Salty and Sore said...

wiwm-

Are you sure it's going to take an extra five years for little Snobbiekins to get all gradiated? Or will a High School diploma of the future include today's additional four (or five) year degree?

(Side note: I'm unfamiliar with Yeshiva's current programs.)

Salty and Sore said...

bgw-

That's it! I must've missed it.

But now, I understand why everything out of my mouth today sounds like someone pissed in my Cheerios.

(though, my Cheerios did taste funny this morning, now that I'm thinking about it...)

Ryan said...

I'm dissapointed on your write-up of San Jose Bike Party. I don't care whether or not you like our group. In fact, I enjoy your humor and was hoping for a nice roast of our group. However, all you did was pick on a few fixie riders and completely ignored the other 3,000 of us. Being one of the largest mass ride in the U.S., I expected more.

Blaiser said...

Ryan,

Change gears, and get over yourself... it was a mention, not a write-up.

bikesgonewild said...

...actually bsnyc/rtms typed in the names of all of you 3000 sj 'bike party' revelers + added a wonderful review on his 'twitter account' thingy but if you don't have the "special edition" of twitter, ryan, you'll only see the first 140 characters of that post...

...sorry...

Anonymous said...

More importantly... There is critical mass happening in the UES. Meet at Madison and E63rd. Wear proper attire.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/21/fashion/21FASHION.html?hp

SeattleM+M said...

Smug? Well, you're not talking about me. I recycle, commute to work, and eat all organic. And, with the assistance of my yoga teacher/therapist/accupuncturist, I've successfully removed all traces of defect from my character, and no longer know the meaning of the word smug. What were we talking about?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Did anyone else notice that Ms. sternum-tatoo got the other half of her bars taped?

SeattleM+M said...

Blew that joke: should be 'bike commute'. I feel very unsatisfied with myself.

Fred said...

"... you can always expect the track bike rider to try to be first over the climb"

I wasn't there, but I'll posit an excuse.

They climb well with that pedal coming around for you, you need to "attack" hills to maintain a decent cadence for as much of the hill as you are able, and they are relatively light bikes.

I have a fixed gear bike (not a tarck biek) and have noticed that I tend to pass people uphill whom I generally hadn't before when on freewheeling bikes.
It's really just trying to get over the hill without stalling.
And having a higher gear than most people climbing and spinning can help if you have decent legs.

Now descending is the hard part.

Anonymous said...

Dear Fred,

Really?

I am the engine. said...

This really made me crack up.

http://gawker.com/5563224/why-do-naked-people-always-want-to-be-on-bicycles

I think I must use my Ipad in public restrooms all over new york

http://www.nyrestroom.com/

I wonder how many have wi-fi.

Anonymous said...

Fred is right. You got to keep your cadence up, even though it is killig you. You can't sit and spin.

Anonymous said...

If you ask cult studs isn't life curated?

tail said...

Snob

one thing you failed to mention while noting the girl/person/male thingy with hair/bike matching colorway was the fact that the guy in the forground or 'foreskin', I can't remember, in the blue shirt, had a mullet which probably made you more uncomfortable than you realized.

leroy said...

Happy Birthday BSNYC blog!

BSNYC -- you're missing the good weather.

Unfortunately, River Road was closed this AM for pesticide spraying. That's what the sign said and I saw the truck.

Seattle could learn a thing or two from the folkways of the North Jersey Shore where the ferns sport signs advising "Sanitized For Your Protection."

Salty and Sore said...

leroy-

They do?

We're just now starting to catch up to the Jersey fashionways. Give us some time; we'll catch up.

Anonymous said...

I was in Seattle while you were in San Francisco, and in San Francisco while you were in Seattle.

Darn...

David said...

I was in Central Park today and saw a weird bike come scooter. IT had a word similar to gyro at the back. Basically you did a rotation pedal action on two pedal boards while standing on a scooter like machine. It was really good. I cant remember if there were two wheels at the back or only one. But the idea is it's a scooter, you stand up as there is no seat and the stepping/cycling action on the boards moves you fwd. Any idea what it is? i'm hoping with your vast knowledge you may be able to help, Thanks in advance.

cyclotourist said...

So they let non-white people come to the San Jose BRA. It appears that's the first and last time they let that happen. That plus beach volleyball at work. The wonders will never cease.

Anonymous said...

知道他有了外遇
面對他的低聲下氣妳冷嘲熱諷、無理取鬧
妳瘋狂似的大吵大鬧
甚至到他的公司去亂、向他的親友抱怨、向鄰居們哭訴…
妳把他的外遇鬧的人盡皆知
最後,妳把他的愧疚消耗殆盡…
最後,妳把他想要回頭的念頭打消…
最後,妳自己把他推向外遇的第三者身邊…

superfred said...

"Being proud of crashing in any ride (much less one that moves at 4mph and is led by a guy on a recumbent with a Lite-Brite mohawk) is sort of like showing off injuries you sustained while trying to use a public restroom."

When I saw the tall-bike rider's universal facial expression meaning "I'm crashing" and fixters climbing lamp-posts (also doing other non-bike "tricks" like dumpster-ollies at the Home Depot parking lot) I stuffed my feet into my Power-Grips and headed home, happy to have met you.

Thanks for all the laughs and edification.

CommieCanuck said...

red neckerson said...

commie
fuck you


See, it's just not the start of the workweek until I hear this.

Anger is my cardio.

CommieCanuck said...

you stand up as there is no seat and the stepping/cycling action on the boards moves you fwd. Any idea what it is?

Cancellara's new Specialized?

frilly said...

Happy Blogday Snobbie!

Do not underestimate the appeal of free feminine hygiene products as a company perk.

db said...

Thanks for the time and effort you put into this blog, Snob. It's a tough day at work when I cannot get here for a few moments of stress relief.

mmfleming said...

We were delighted to see the Portland Bike Shrine noted on Outside. But we were puzzled that the painting of the pedalless ghost bike that will never be ridden again and the actual ghost bike and model ghost bike donated by grieving parents of children killed in horrific traffic accidents would be evaluated on the basis of fashion. Portland is best understood as a town of utility biking. Some can name the model of their bike and one or two have leisure jerseys of identifiable colors. But most riders are using their bikes to get to work or school, to run errands or simply enjoy the great Northwest outdoors, which, yes, includes forest trails and mountains. While doing so they usually wear shorts or rolled jeans and… raingear. Their equipage is defined by backpacks, grocery bags, and toddlers in various combinations. The Bike Shrine is intended to celebrate the joy of cycling, pray for the safety of everyone on the road and remember the fallen, rather typical religious activities. And the “peace gesture” of the painting’s Christ Child? It‘s not the spread finger flash of the 60’s but the traditional close-fingered gesture of blessing, “hip” in visual art since at least the 4th Century.

Anonymous said...

Hello Bike Snob,

I recently came across an interesting conclusion regarding bicycle helmet styles and safety that I've yet to see mentioned elsewhere. It's posted on the BHSI site and the conclusion is that round, smooth helmets (vs. the aero, highly ventilated styles) are the ideal for safety. The aero race styles can have tendency to "snag" on surface thus increasing duration of impact force on neck and increasing chance of rotational injury. Second reason, is that the cutouts require harder foam which decreases impact "spread" and foams don't collapse as they're supposed to but instead the frame breaks/cracks.

Please check this out:
http://www.bhsi.org/ventsqua.htm
(longish but interesting)

Have you ever come across this in the helmet debates? The site was last updated in 2009 though the perfomance tests referenced were conducted in 1991.

Sorry for such a long post, but I bought my first helmet (been cycling helmetless for 11 years) the other day and almost immediately got buyers remorse. I bought a race, 24 vent style (because that's all I could find in my local shop) but I'm returning it and buy either a Nutcase or a Bern.

I want to know what you think. BHSI is the bicycle helmet safety institute. I haven't checked out their credibility and at this point am too tired. Maybe this is an issue worthy of a post on your site. I care much about all my aero heavily vented helmet-wearing friends.

Thank you. I'll be looking for a response.

ScottyMac said...

@David: Was it the Elliptigo? http://www.elliptigo.com/

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Eden Gold said...

Hello, Snob, has to be your journey, your posting structure has become way-off. In either case I had wonderful ride the other day which has a native-NYC-er and now we talked about BikeSnob the ebook and a lot of other things germane to cyber-cycling. Stay cool.

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fixie bikes said...

nice photoshop on the first picture.