Uncultured: The War of the Wardrobes

("Too Liggett To Quit," via a reader.)

Firstly, it is recumbent incumbent upon me to inform you that on Saturday, May 1st, from 2pm to 4pm, I will be at The Powerhouse Arena in Brooklyn, where I will hold myself up to public ridicule and entreat you to read my book, which "descends" soon. If you're wondering what will actually "go down" at this appearance, I'm still working on that, but right now I'm thinking we can all watch "National Lampoon's European Vacation" (running time 95 minutes) after which there will be a 25-minute "Q&A" period about the film. So, if anyone has a VHS player they can bring please email me. Also, BYOC (or "Bring Your Own Cheetos"). I hope you'll join me, but if you can't there will be other "National Lampoon's European Vacation" viewing parties in New York and elsewhere, and I'll keep you posted on the details over the next few days.

Speaking of events (or "meh-vents"), one other event in which I apparently agreed to participate is a "Bike Culture Summit" on May 6th. To be completely honest, I'm not sure why we need a "Bike Culture Summit" (I think this person actually sums it up perfectly) especially since I don't really believe in the idea of "bike culture," but I figure I'll show up anyway and maybe the other guy on the panel can explain it to me. Either that, or I won't even go, and I'll just send my "Bloviator® 2000 Pretens-O-Bot" in my stead. (He already goes on all those "tweed rides" for me.) Or, I guess I could study these "18 Ways To Know That You Have Bicycle Culture," which "PhilboydStunge" was kind enough to post in yesterday's comments:

Among the list of symptoms are:

7. When your bike breaks down and is in for repairs you take your other bike, or you take the train or bus. Even though your car is parked out front.

14. You use your time waiting at a red light in bicycle rush hour with over 100 other cyclists to check out new fashions. ”Wonder where she got those shoes? Cool sunglasses on that guy... must be Prada.”

15. Your entire wardrobe can be classified as ”cycle wear”. Espeically those stilettos from Christian Louboutin or your new double-breasted trenchcoast from Tiger of Sweden.

Really, this is "bicycle culture?" Why are the "18 Ways To Know That You Have Bicycle Culture" almost the same as the "18 Ways To Know That You're an Insufferable Rich Urbanite"? If "bike culture" involves being unable to repair your own bicycle and ogling designer clothing then I pray to the sweet, buttery Lobster on high that we do not get it. I mean, we already have symptoms of a "bike culture" infestation here in New York, but before we turn into an entire metropolis full of fops and dandies I think we should consider undergoing a vigorous de-lousing.

Obviously, the above "18 Ways" are (as the introduction points out) "tongue-in-cheek," but it still speaks to the fundamental problem of the whole "bike culture" idea, which is that as soon as someone tries to define it there will be someone else who doesn't feel like he or she belongs. What about the rest of us who are not rich and incapable, and who don't ride around on Dutch bikes while wearing "Prada" or "Christian Louboutin," and for whom the world of $650 heels is the stuff of some menopausal "Sex and the City" night-terror? Well, I suppose we're left with the more "American" notion of "bicycle culture," as put forth by publications like "Urban Velo:"

Whereas the Copenhagen "bicycle culture" is all about being aloof and existing in a state of cycling denial wherein you make absolutely no wardrobe concessions to your bicycle, American "bicycle culture" is about looking like a giant bike dork all the time to the point that you actually wear bicycle parts:

Yes, I realize this is an Italian company, but only a resident of Williamsburg or Portland could possibly want to wear something like this. First, the US dollar became worthless, and now Europeans are sending us their worn bicycle parts to wear--which is understandable, seeing as how we're suffering from the aftershocks of that horrific natural disaster known as "hipsterism." Unfortunately, though, they're not donating this stuff to us like they should; instead, they're actually charging us. And they're able to do it, too, since members of the American "bicycle culture" live in constant fear that, should they somehow find themselves momentarily separated from their bikes, someone might look at them and not immediately know that they ride. This is why they wear bicycle-themed tattoos, chain bracelets, boutique cycling caps, gigantic messenger bags, "shants," and tire belts that cost more than their actual tires at all times.

None of this is to say that there's anything wrong with riding around the city on a comfortable bike while wearing "elegant" clothes, or with being so enthusiastic about cycling that you're willing to pay $30 for a "Dumpster Diver" t-shirt. Well, actually, I think any starving homeless person or actual natural disaster victim will tell you that there is something seriously wrong with that second one:

("Why are those poor dudes so bummed? Living off trash is awesome.")

But it's not even the sickening lack of perspective that's the problem; it's that as soon as you call either one of these things "bicycle culture" you alienate everybody else who's perfectly fine with wearing cycling clothing while riding and who's also perfectly fine with completely forgetting about their bicycles when they're not actually on them, and who doesn't want to play at being rich or play at being poor.

Still, the truth is that many of us aren't able to completely forget about our bicycles; we like to ride, and so anything involving bicycles is likely to get our attention. That's why people use phrases like "bicycle culture" to promote their agenda or product. It's also why they create strange dwellings up in the sky for us, like this "bike lover's hotel concept" which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Apparently, designers are growing bored with hubless bikes and vulvular bike racks that will never exist and have now moved on to designing make-believe hotels for us to stay in when we take pretend vacations from our futuristic lives. Says the website, "After a long day of riding around the Italian countryside nothing would be nicer than riding your bike directly to your bed." I strongly disagree. Many of us in crowded cities like New York are forced to ride our bikes pretty much directly to bed as it is because we have nowhere else to put them. If I'm on a luxury vacation in a confusing triangular clump hanging off the side of a mountain, I don't want anything near my bed except for a television, a bathroom, and maybe some mild intoxicants. Do skiers want to ski into their rooms? If you were designing your dream home, would you want to pull your car into your garage, open the door, and flop right into your waterbed? (All "dream homes" have waterbeds.) Sleeping with your favorite stuff is for toddlers; once you get older it's nice to have a bit of a buffer zone.

But while I don't want "bicycle culture," that doesn't mean that I don't want respect when I'm on my bicycle. Indeed, when a motorist blithely disregards you and puts your life in danger, it's enough to send you into a rage:

I'm sure many of us can relate to this impulse and have often imagined doing the same thing. However, it's vital to exercise restraint, lest you wind up in restraints:

"This will cost me about a thousand [dollars]," Mohammed said. "I'm just glad to be alive."

I'm sure the car service driver is glad to be alive. In fact, I'm also pretty sure that's the point Perzeus Forte was trying to make. At least he succeeded in that respect.

But while violence isn't the best way to ensure your safety, I'm not sure having your bike blessed will help much either. This past Saturday was the "12th Annual Blessing of the Bikes" at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine, and a reader has forwarded me these photos of the occasion:

If you enjoy seeing "traditional Fred bike-portaging" as much as I do, this photo essay should hold you over until those first "C" cyclocross races this fall. However, if you prefer Seat Post-Mounted Brake Levers (SPMBLs) and massive gears, you're be better off over at the Fixedgeargallery, where a number of readers spotted this:

Or, if you'd like to own a similar bicycle without the SPMBL but advertised by a model in her underwear, you should visit Craigslist (via yet another reader):

Cervelo Olympic Track Bike *Rare - $2000 (Gardena)
Date: 2010-04-09, 11:51AM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2004 Olympic Track Bike 1 out of 40 MADE (NEVER MASS PRODUCED FOR THE PUBLIC -(You will never see this bike again EVER)
The Wheel set are new Phil's laced to silver velocitys babied all the time. with White Victoria Randonneur's
The Drivetrain are Omnium's 165 silver with the one piece bottom bracket in great condition
The Pedals are gold with all city cages with Orgin 8 straps all in good condition
The Headset is a black King 1' Threadless with a carbon steertube
The Fork is Cervelo which is carbon
The Seatpost is Carbon which is made just for the frame
The Seat is a Selle Italia SLR XP black the exclusive one
The Stem is a 100cm Thompson
The Handle Bars are Nitto Pursuits RB 021black with white tape

However, even though it's rare, I can't guarantee that it will gain you entrée to the rarefied world of the "bicycle culture." At the very least, you may also need to grow a suitably voluminous coiffure:

As for whether he rides, I couldn't say for sure without also seeing his belt.