Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Uncultured: The War of the Wardrobes

("Too Liggett To Quit," via a reader.)

Firstly, it is recumbent incumbent upon me to inform you that on Saturday, May 1st, from 2pm to 4pm, I will be at The Powerhouse Arena in Brooklyn, where I will hold myself up to public ridicule and entreat you to read my book, which "descends" soon. If you're wondering what will actually "go down" at this appearance, I'm still working on that, but right now I'm thinking we can all watch "National Lampoon's European Vacation" (running time 95 minutes) after which there will be a 25-minute "Q&A" period about the film. So, if anyone has a VHS player they can bring please email me. Also, BYOC (or "Bring Your Own Cheetos"). I hope you'll join me, but if you can't there will be other "National Lampoon's European Vacation" viewing parties in New York and elsewhere, and I'll keep you posted on the details over the next few days.

Speaking of events (or "meh-vents"), one other event in which I apparently agreed to participate is a "Bike Culture Summit" on May 6th. To be completely honest, I'm not sure why we need a "Bike Culture Summit" (I think this person actually sums it up perfectly) especially since I don't really believe in the idea of "bike culture," but I figure I'll show up anyway and maybe the other guy on the panel can explain it to me. Either that, or I won't even go, and I'll just send my "Bloviator® 2000 Pretens-O-Bot" in my stead. (He already goes on all those "tweed rides" for me.) Or, I guess I could study these "18 Ways To Know That You Have Bicycle Culture," which "PhilboydStunge" was kind enough to post in yesterday's comments:

Among the list of symptoms are:

7. When your bike breaks down and is in for repairs you take your other bike, or you take the train or bus. Even though your car is parked out front.

14. You use your time waiting at a red light in bicycle rush hour with over 100 other cyclists to check out new fashions. ”Wonder where she got those shoes? Cool sunglasses on that guy... must be Prada.”

15. Your entire wardrobe can be classified as ”cycle wear”. Espeically those stilettos from Christian Louboutin or your new double-breasted trenchcoast from Tiger of Sweden.

Really, this is "bicycle culture?" Why are the "18 Ways To Know That You Have Bicycle Culture" almost the same as the "18 Ways To Know That You're an Insufferable Rich Urbanite"? If "bike culture" involves being unable to repair your own bicycle and ogling designer clothing then I pray to the sweet, buttery Lobster on high that we do not get it. I mean, we already have symptoms of a "bike culture" infestation here in New York, but before we turn into an entire metropolis full of fops and dandies I think we should consider undergoing a vigorous de-lousing.

Obviously, the above "18 Ways" are (as the introduction points out) "tongue-in-cheek," but it still speaks to the fundamental problem of the whole "bike culture" idea, which is that as soon as someone tries to define it there will be someone else who doesn't feel like he or she belongs. What about the rest of us who are not rich and incapable, and who don't ride around on Dutch bikes while wearing "Prada" or "Christian Louboutin," and for whom the world of $650 heels is the stuff of some menopausal "Sex and the City" night-terror? Well, I suppose we're left with the more "American" notion of "bicycle culture," as put forth by publications like "Urban Velo:"

Whereas the Copenhagen "bicycle culture" is all about being aloof and existing in a state of cycling denial wherein you make absolutely no wardrobe concessions to your bicycle, American "bicycle culture" is about looking like a giant bike dork all the time to the point that you actually wear bicycle parts:

Yes, I realize this is an Italian company, but only a resident of Williamsburg or Portland could possibly want to wear something like this. First, the US dollar became worthless, and now Europeans are sending us their worn bicycle parts to wear--which is understandable, seeing as how we're suffering from the aftershocks of that horrific natural disaster known as "hipsterism." Unfortunately, though, they're not donating this stuff to us like they should; instead, they're actually charging us. And they're able to do it, too, since members of the American "bicycle culture" live in constant fear that, should they somehow find themselves momentarily separated from their bikes, someone might look at them and not immediately know that they ride. This is why they wear bicycle-themed tattoos, chain bracelets, boutique cycling caps, gigantic messenger bags, "shants," and tire belts that cost more than their actual tires at all times.

None of this is to say that there's anything wrong with riding around the city on a comfortable bike while wearing "elegant" clothes, or with being so enthusiastic about cycling that you're willing to pay $30 for a "Dumpster Diver" t-shirt. Well, actually, I think any starving homeless person or actual natural disaster victim will tell you that there is something seriously wrong with that second one:

("Why are those poor dudes so bummed? Living off trash is awesome.")

But it's not even the sickening lack of perspective that's the problem; it's that as soon as you call either one of these things "bicycle culture" you alienate everybody else who's perfectly fine with wearing cycling clothing while riding and who's also perfectly fine with completely forgetting about their bicycles when they're not actually on them, and who doesn't want to play at being rich or play at being poor.

Still, the truth is that many of us aren't able to completely forget about our bicycles; we like to ride, and so anything involving bicycles is likely to get our attention. That's why people use phrases like "bicycle culture" to promote their agenda or product. It's also why they create strange dwellings up in the sky for us, like this "bike lover's hotel concept" which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Apparently, designers are growing bored with hubless bikes and vulvular bike racks that will never exist and have now moved on to designing make-believe hotels for us to stay in when we take pretend vacations from our futuristic lives. Says the website, "After a long day of riding around the Italian countryside nothing would be nicer than riding your bike directly to your bed." I strongly disagree. Many of us in crowded cities like New York are forced to ride our bikes pretty much directly to bed as it is because we have nowhere else to put them. If I'm on a luxury vacation in a confusing triangular clump hanging off the side of a mountain, I don't want anything near my bed except for a television, a bathroom, and maybe some mild intoxicants. Do skiers want to ski into their rooms? If you were designing your dream home, would you want to pull your car into your garage, open the door, and flop right into your waterbed? (All "dream homes" have waterbeds.) Sleeping with your favorite stuff is for toddlers; once you get older it's nice to have a bit of a buffer zone.

But while I don't want "bicycle culture," that doesn't mean that I don't want respect when I'm on my bicycle. Indeed, when a motorist blithely disregards you and puts your life in danger, it's enough to send you into a rage:

I'm sure many of us can relate to this impulse and have often imagined doing the same thing. However, it's vital to exercise restraint, lest you wind up in restraints:

"This will cost me about a thousand [dollars]," Mohammed said. "I'm just glad to be alive."

I'm sure the car service driver is glad to be alive. In fact, I'm also pretty sure that's the point Perzeus Forte was trying to make. At least he succeeded in that respect.

But while violence isn't the best way to ensure your safety, I'm not sure having your bike blessed will help much either. This past Saturday was the "12th Annual Blessing of the Bikes" at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine, and a reader has forwarded me these photos of the occasion:

If you enjoy seeing "traditional Fred bike-portaging" as much as I do, this photo essay should hold you over until those first "C" cyclocross races this fall. However, if you prefer Seat Post-Mounted Brake Levers (SPMBLs) and massive gears, you're be better off over at the Fixedgeargallery, where a number of readers spotted this:

Or, if you'd like to own a similar bicycle without the SPMBL but advertised by a model in her underwear, you should visit Craigslist (via yet another reader):

Cervelo Olympic Track Bike *Rare - $2000 (Gardena)
Date: 2010-04-09, 11:51AM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2004 Olympic Track Bike 1 out of 40 MADE (NEVER MASS PRODUCED FOR THE PUBLIC -(You will never see this bike again EVER)
The Wheel set are new Phil's laced to silver velocitys babied all the time. with White Victoria Randonneur's
The Drivetrain are Omnium's 165 silver with the one piece bottom bracket in great condition
The Pedals are gold with all city cages with Orgin 8 straps all in good condition
The Headset is a black King 1' Threadless with a carbon steertube
The Fork is Cervelo which is carbon
The Seatpost is Carbon which is made just for the frame
The Seat is a Selle Italia SLR XP black the exclusive one
The Stem is a 100cm Thompson
The Handle Bars are Nitto Pursuits RB 021black with white tape




However, even though it's rare, I can't guarantee that it will gain you entrée to the rarefied world of the "bicycle culture." At the very least, you may also need to grow a suitably voluminous coiffure:

As for whether he rides, I couldn't say for sure without also seeing his belt.

96 comments:

Astroluc said...

first?

Astroluc said...

I'd like to thank me for wearing no pants...

Adam said...

yo!

mikeweb said...

Bob Ross's ghost?

Daddo said...

nice ones!

Rantwick said...

hey, whadda ya know? top ten?

Poolside said...

also, top

Anonymous said...

well

Anonymous said...

hi

Ronsonic said...

"newly reveled identity"

Suzee said...

Q?

Goose said...

Top ten! More pics of sweeties and biekes please!

hillbilly said...

greetings

Anonymous said...

I, for one, welcome Moon Unit's boobs on a semi-frequent viewing basis.

Quite tasteful, sir!

Anonymous said...

those pics of the babe gave me an ironic woodie since I don't like fixies. Does that make me a bad person?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Rantwick said...

Ah Snob, well done. Too bad for me that as funny as you are, I'm in a crusty mood and find it all kind of depressing today.

shoegazer said...

glider

Rex said...

A one foot (1') headset and a one meter (100cm) stem? Apparently the underwear model is AKA "Ginormica".

dignan said...

Top enade

Jefe said...

The Cervelo model is hot, even if she is made of carbon.

Bad Lawyer said...

I like Hincapie's kit from yesterday.

OBA said...

When is the molesting of the bikes scheduled?

Surly Pete said...

that is one sexy nigger bitch. I would love to have her wrap her think negro lips around my cock.

Daddo said...

"...alienate everybody else who's perfectly fine with wearing cycling clothing while riding and who's also perfectly fine with completely forgetting about their bicycles when they're not actually on them, and who doesn't want to play at being rich or play at being poor."

so that's what? four, maybe five people?

ken e. said...

was this post about the seventies?

dignan said...

Surly Pete-

Take that garbage elsewhere. There's plenty of room in the great big internet for everybody, including racist assholes. Try to see if Glenn Beck has a blog- you might find some kindred spirits in the comments section over there.

Dave said...

Thanks Snobbie, the best part about today's post is that I don't have to spend $15 on a ticket to the Bike Culture Summit to listen to you. In just a few short paragraphs, you have provided a nice summary of your views and saved me time and money.

Anonymous said...

Most of the rest of the country already thinks you're a metropolis filled with fops and dandies.

honkybucket said...

OBA,

Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see the reverend was able to pull himself off the little boys long enough to bless the bikes

zeus almighty said...

I'm glad young perseus decided to 'unleash the kraken' on that dumbass limo driver.

NatiKid said...

yes, skiers do want to ski into their rooms.
doesnt make it right tho.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the saddle smells good.

Mon Goose said...

Call me a fakenblogger however it could be a slipperyslope from world class BSNYC to "I can haz bike".

Excellent post!

Goose said...

Surley Pete you totally suck. What an uncouth ass, be ashamed.

portland anonymous said...

BSNYC, do you wet yourself a little every time you write "Portland?"

Fingerbang Assistant said...

portaland anon:
I crap myself everytime I read what Sonb writes about Portland.

kale said...

'like'

Suzee said...

Despite my love for the CL slingbacks I've had to return them as the honeycombed construction of the midsole prevented a satisfactory SPD conversion.

Also, I'm now sceptical that the 'God Culture' has its finger on the pulse when the advertised 'blessing' of bicycles includes scooters and skates


HOLY SHIT

George Not Hincapie said...

Don't even worry about it, surly pete. You'll never see it coming, but you'll know why it came.

ervgopwr said...

bicycle culture is getting moldy, everyone do your thing enjoy the ride.

MLDY CLTR

NJOY RIDE

Anonymous said...

You are blind, deny the sun and light, whose are the objections, from where come the doubts?
Molestation of the wicked
Evidence of infinity, procreation of the wicked, twist of the known.
Serenades of opposition, absurdity, human fate and hope.

g said...

I think that method of bike advertising is less than effective. I, for one, have no idea, or concern what brand of bike was being sold. I will go check the ad again and again, though.

CommieCanuck said...

After that Cervelo ad, I'll never lick another top tube again.

Ignatius J. Reilly said...

Wait a minute....36 is middle-aged? FML.

Michael E said...

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/02/click-here-to-find-out-more-ferrari-owners-dream-garage-grinds-neighbors-gears.html

some folks do like to drive their car directly into their house

yogisurf said...

Snobby, I just pre-ordered your book since it looks like it’s about to ‘drop’. I enjoyed the quotes on Chronicle’s site….Lance braggin’ again how you ate his dust. I keep buying t-shirts with bike commuter themes….Dork!!...participating in ‘bike culture’.

David Koresh said...

You know, "Bike Culture" is only three little letters away from "Bike Cult".

Don't say I didn't warn you.

mikeweb said...

I never did understand the whole STMRFB concept. Seems kind of misplaced and redundant.

Ooops! I'm not complaining, just not understanding...

Concerned 2.0 said...

Snob,

Your link to the bike hotel doesn’t work! It sends me straight to the dumpster diver dude. I want to book my vacation today! You missed the point that for some of us bike culture has become so much a part of our lives that the bike is now serving as our "companion" and replacing the traditional relationship of two people of flesh. Get that link up!!

Paul Bowen said...

Perzeus Forte, we salute you. He's easily pretty enough to be poster boy for righteous bike rage - a position I'm eager to see filled after being clipped this pm by some cock on a motor"bike" who obviously thinks that sounding his horn repeatedly gives him absolute freedom of movement. I hate those fat arsed pig motor"cyclist"s - buy proper bikes you lazy retards, and if you can't be arsed to pedal get on the bus with the other lardy chav scum.

sentral dogma said...

You are showing some good form, Snobacus. Bookies have you favored to win the National Lampoon's European Vacation meh-ing party by a long shot. Also, more luscious women on top tubes please.

Anonymous said...

I especially like Brooklyn Bike saying "reveled identity." In fact Eben is his revealed identity and RTMS, as we know, is the "reveled" identity.

grog said...

The lobster never wets its pants.

Please send my book now.

mikeweb said...

I noticed the chalked up critical ass promotional scrawlings at the Bklyn. end of the Manhattan br. seem to be getting more flambullient as time goes on.

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

did phil liggett steal the Antbike or just buy it off Craigslist.

cloveras said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cloveras said...

"Bike lover's hotel concept" looks like a dumpster. I would never stay there.

Anonymous said...

was at my bike shop the other day when a hipster was cancelling his order for a front brake. seems he didn't want scuff up his pretty deep v's and ugly up his sweet italian made bike with an ugly brake lever. it's ok though, he said he only uses it to commute to and from work and that he would just ride slower. guess i didn't get that message that i needed a handmade italian fixed gear bike with no brakes to go to work. douchebag hipster!

swtchbckr said...

Since when is 36 considered 'middle aged'!??!

IBS said...

HAHA

Anonymous said...

ouch. Biker killed by National Guard truck.

red neckerson said...

snob is on fire today

fire i tell you

more fire than rikim with a box of wooden matches after a bean burrito

rikim wants to know who has more pc credit in new yawk an illegal alien like the guy who was wupping up on the windshield or the mooslim

both are kinder protected species

rikim was rooting for the mooslim but i likes the illegals myself

i think the illegals was the ones who drove the mormans from mexico

rezado said...

I re-use all of the old stuff off of my bike. 80% of my shoes have brake and shifter cables for laces.

Salty Seattle said...

Hiring an intern to attend event at Powerhouse May 1.

Cost: $0

Educating them on how to show up as a member of 'Bike Culture': 'spensive.

Maybe I'll just send somebody cute.

leroy said...

The Powerhouse Arena in DUMBO?

That's a bit of a dicey neighborhood.

Trust me, you do not want to mess with a gang of toddlers hopped up on Jacques Torres chocolate.

I just hope there will be valet bike parking.

I am the engine said...

"Fops and dandies" only middle aged people talk that way.

If you were a Young Eagle Republican, you could join only if you were less than 40. Therefore, you are young in a republican fundraisers eyes, and you could be invited to a female bondage club, if they still existed.

Snob the book is not even out, you were just outed, and you are already irrelevent to "bike culture".

Bummer.

I bet the critic does not get to have a column in a bike magazine.

The same magazine that put Portland at number 2, second bummer for the day. I guess "bike culture is foffing off".

Wired almost seemed vindictive in their reporting.

http://www.wired.com/autopia/2010/04/bicycling-magazine-50-bike-friendliest-cities/

Thank heaven tomorrow is Wednesday weed day.

J-bird said...

Anybody got a belt? My pants are around my ankles.

Anonymous said...

hey snob,

May be just me but I feel that your writing today is a little different.

ken e. said...

i don't get the weird psychic phone line deal, but i just got a new belt!
it says "meh" and a bunch of alpha-numeric stuff!

Anonymous said...

Fa Fa fooey!

Anonymous said...

Blarg? Fist!

cyclotourist said...

Hanging out with a bunch of middle-aged white guys talking about bikes sounds like a perfectly good time. I should be so lucky.

TODD LERS

Anonymous said...

so, is your book containing totally new stuff or is it compilation of your blog posts?

wishiwasmerckx said...

The book does not contain any blog posts. It is all new material. There are pictures that made the cut, such as the Lone Wolf and the World's Greatest Madone.

Mike said...

I hope your book tour takes you through Boulder. Would love to ride with you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a roadie with a fair bit of money and sunglasses that match my kit that match my frame. Can I not be in the bike culture too?

Alicia said...

Bike culture! He he. Riding a bike is like walking in the Netherlands.

Good luck with your talk!

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