Earth to Bikes: "Save Me!"

As the nature-themed spot illustration on the home page of a popular search engine no doubt reminded you, today is Earth Day. 40 years old today, Earth Day exists to "inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth's environment," and its creation relegated the "OG" nature lover's holiday, Arbor Day, to relative obscurity. Also, like all holidays, this one too is about binging. On Thanksgiving we stuff ourselves with food; on Christmas we revel in an orgy of gifts; on 4/20 we consume "Wednesday weed" to the point that pizza with chocolate chips tastes good and "jam bands" sound interesting; and on Earth Day we take "action" by purchasing products purported to be "green" and generally wallowing in our own smugness.

This is not to imply that I do not appreciate the spirit of Earth Day; indeed, I love the Earth and all its plants and creatures. I love the platypus and the lynx; the ocelot and the baboon; the three-toed sloth and even the blood-sucking leech. (You know, the one from the Times.) My eyes often well with tears when beholding nature and its beauty (though this is as much due to pollen allergies as it is to emotion), and I have been known to spontaneously drop what I am doing, bury my hands wrist-deep in the soil, cast my eyes heavenward, and sing joyously from the Pete Seeger songbook.

But as much as I revel in the beauty of life on this planet, and as much as I love to feel the soil on my face and the sunshine on my feet, I am disinclined to participate in the sorts of celebrations and demonstrations that tend to characterize Earth Day. For example, it's extremely unlikely you'll ever see me climbing a flagpole and hanging a sign like Tim Doody:

It's quite characteristic of Doody to appear in unexpected places. In fact, you may remember him from this very blog, when in 2008 an angry (some might even say steaming) Doody turned up in the bike lane:

Anyway, with regard to the question on Doody's banner, I'm going to go out on a limb (yes, a tree limb) and say that the reason New York City uses the most rainforest wood in America is that New York is City is the largest city in America by a margin of like four million people. On top of that, New York is also the sixth most populous metropolitan area in the entire world. This is not to say that we shouldn't be finding alternatives to rainforest wood, or that the manner in which the city purchases materials doesn't involve lots of sordid mutual masturbation, but I also think it's pretty likely we use a whole bunch of stuff way more than the rest of the country does for the simple reason that there are so many of us. (The fact that so many of us live in close proximity to one another is also a reason some people say we're inherently "greener" than the rest of the country, but that's another subject.)

By the way, according to a 2008 article, this marks the 12th year Doody has been hanging (or attempting to hang) banners:

Doody came to New York 10 years ago with two changes of clothes, $300 and a guitar. He made the trip to rappel off a Midtown building with a 30-foot-by-60-foot banner reading, “NYC – Don’t Destroy Rainforests for Benches, Boardwalks and Subway Ties,” for the group Rainforest Relief.

Again, I'd like to see the rainforests saved and to sit on benches with a clear conscience as much as anybody, but it seems to me that if you think some entity is doing something the wrong way and you know how to do it the right way then maybe you should try to go and work for that entity. Perhaps if Doody had gone to work for the city 12 years ago instead of trying to "rappel off a Midtown building" in order to hang a banner then by now he might be in a position where he could actually make a difference. Instead, he's still trying to hang the same banner--albeit with slightly modified "rhetorical question" wording. At a certain point, hanging a banner is really just hanging a banner, and it doesn't really matter what the question is:

Although I suppose certain questions might make you stop and think:

Speaking of Zen, it and "green-ness" are probably the two qualities most frequently attributed to the fixed-gear bicycle. Like many cyclists, I too believe that riding a bicycle (whether fixed or free) can help promote a state of physical and mental well-being, and I also believe that it can even help make the world a better place for the simple reason that people who are physically and mentally well make much more pleasant neighbors. In turn, pleasant neighbors make pleasant neighborhoods, pleasant neighborhoods make pleasant cities, pleasant cities make pleasant countries, and pretty soon we're all rolling around delightedly in flower patches and living in one gigantic barf-inducing Portland. However, it's also hard not to suspect that, at least for some people, things like Zen and the environment are mostly just purchasing themes. (There's nothing Zen about "upgrading," and there's nothing environmentally sound about the UPS truck delivering more eBayed vintage Campy to your house every week.) Furthermore, even though the fixed-gear scene officially closed in 2009 and subsequently "Apocalated" with that Walmart bike, companies continue to offer more and more accessories for these supposedly simple machines. Here's one example which was forwarded to me by an esteemed reader:

Fixed Gear Clothing - $49 (CT, NYC)

Date: 2010-04-22, 12:32AM EDT

Reply to: [deleted]

Our roots run deep in the cycling tradition.

Our new hip bag, available in 4 colorways. $49

Mr. Wheelmen Tee, is a soft 30 single ring spun, 100% Cotton T-shirt. $24

Charles T-Shirt. This is the great Grandfather of the owner of Wheelmen & Co. $24

Mr. Wheelmen die-cut vinyl stickers. $1

All Made here in the USA!

I wasn't sure what makes a bag or a t-shirt "fixed" (unless the seller means they've all been mended) so I visited the company's website, where I learned the "hip bag" is still very much in vogue among the "fixerati:"

More importantly, though, I also stumbled upon what may be the most audacious "street cred" claim in all of fixed-geardom:

Concurrently in time, Bradford’s Great Grandfather, Thomas Kelly, was establishing himself as one of the first bicycle repairmen in Ireland and one of the first to own the now known as Penny-Farthing bicycle.

Yes, that's right--this guys great grandfather was one of the first people in the entire world to own a p-far. This, insofar as fixed-gear marketing goes, is huge. While some participants in the fixed-gear lifestyle invoke "Zen," and others invoke the "environment," what nearly every one of them craves most is "authenticity." This is what compels consumers to painstakingly assemble NJS bicycles, or to spend ludicrous amounts of money on rare hubs, or to acquire full sleeve tattoos in a single sitting. It's why people give their money to certain companies or brands over others, since buying into a company's perceived "authenticity" is supposed to impart some of that "authenticity" on you. (Think those overpriced MASH Cinellis.) So, what could possibly be more authentic than buying a fanny pack from the first person ever to rock a p-far? The only way you could possibly outdo that is to prove that your great great grandfather owned the first-ever dandy horse and that he totally "schooled" that Irish p-far guy one time on the way to the blacksmith.

Another thing I noticed was a link to the "I Love My Bike" book project, which I'd also seen on various other blogs such as fixed-gear freestyle impresario and streetwear enthusiast Prolly's:

Essentially, this involved traveling all over the country and photographing people with their bikes:

Now, this seems like a lovely project, and I suppose the "bike culture" needs a yearbook like any other clique, but I simply cannot relate to the "I Love My Bike" concept. Certainly cycling is one of my very favorite things to do, but the bike itself is probably the least interesting thing about the whole endeavor. Furthermore, I think it's very dangerous to love things that cannot give you an orgasm. (And if your bike is giving you an orgasm you might want to rethink your saddle choice.) Then again, as another reader informs me, some bicycles do have "tits:"


!*!*!*!*!*!*!.....CANNONDALE ROAD BIKE .....!*!*!*!*!*!*! (ROCKY MOUNT)
Date: 2010-04-21, 2:58PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Cannondale road bike.....I bought it way-back-when ????? I think I paid around $1100 for the bike and a couple of hundred for all the accessories, I have the Cannonale computer, the under the seat Cannondale storage tool pouch, water bottle, and even an on board air pump,.... I honestly rode it about 5 times.....it still has the little tits on the tires......the rest of the time it has hung from the wall in my storage building.....this bike is very light weight, it weighs about 3.5 to 4 lbs.....asking $375 or best offer

I guess titted tires are better than tired tits.