Thursday, April 22, 2010

Earth to Bikes: "Save Me!"

As the nature-themed spot illustration on the home page of a popular search engine no doubt reminded you, today is Earth Day. 40 years old today, Earth Day exists to "inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth's environment," and its creation relegated the "OG" nature lover's holiday, Arbor Day, to relative obscurity. Also, like all holidays, this one too is about binging. On Thanksgiving we stuff ourselves with food; on Christmas we revel in an orgy of gifts; on 4/20 we consume "Wednesday weed" to the point that pizza with chocolate chips tastes good and "jam bands" sound interesting; and on Earth Day we take "action" by purchasing products purported to be "green" and generally wallowing in our own smugness.

This is not to imply that I do not appreciate the spirit of Earth Day; indeed, I love the Earth and all its plants and creatures. I love the platypus and the lynx; the ocelot and the baboon; the three-toed sloth and even the blood-sucking leech. (You know, the one from the Times.) My eyes often well with tears when beholding nature and its beauty (though this is as much due to pollen allergies as it is to emotion), and I have been known to spontaneously drop what I am doing, bury my hands wrist-deep in the soil, cast my eyes heavenward, and sing joyously from the Pete Seeger songbook.

But as much as I revel in the beauty of life on this planet, and as much as I love to feel the soil on my face and the sunshine on my feet, I am disinclined to participate in the sorts of celebrations and demonstrations that tend to characterize Earth Day. For example, it's extremely unlikely you'll ever see me climbing a flagpole and hanging a sign like Tim Doody:

It's quite characteristic of Doody to appear in unexpected places. In fact, you may remember him from this very blog, when in 2008 an angry (some might even say steaming) Doody turned up in the bike lane:

Anyway, with regard to the question on Doody's banner, I'm going to go out on a limb (yes, a tree limb) and say that the reason New York City uses the most rainforest wood in America is that New York is City is the largest city in America by a margin of like four million people. On top of that, New York is also the sixth most populous metropolitan area in the entire world. This is not to say that we shouldn't be finding alternatives to rainforest wood, or that the manner in which the city purchases materials doesn't involve lots of sordid mutual masturbation, but I also think it's pretty likely we use a whole bunch of stuff way more than the rest of the country does for the simple reason that there are so many of us. (The fact that so many of us live in close proximity to one another is also a reason some people say we're inherently "greener" than the rest of the country, but that's another subject.)

By the way, according to a 2008 article, this marks the 12th year Doody has been hanging (or attempting to hang) banners:

Doody came to New York 10 years ago with two changes of clothes, $300 and a guitar. He made the trip to rappel off a Midtown building with a 30-foot-by-60-foot banner reading, “NYC – Don’t Destroy Rainforests for Benches, Boardwalks and Subway Ties,” for the group Rainforest Relief.

Again, I'd like to see the rainforests saved and to sit on benches with a clear conscience as much as anybody, but it seems to me that if you think some entity is doing something the wrong way and you know how to do it the right way then maybe you should try to go and work for that entity. Perhaps if Doody had gone to work for the city 12 years ago instead of trying to "rappel off a Midtown building" in order to hang a banner then by now he might be in a position where he could actually make a difference. Instead, he's still trying to hang the same banner--albeit with slightly modified "rhetorical question" wording. At a certain point, hanging a banner is really just hanging a banner, and it doesn't really matter what the question is:

Although I suppose certain questions might make you stop and think:

Speaking of Zen, it and "green-ness" are probably the two qualities most frequently attributed to the fixed-gear bicycle. Like many cyclists, I too believe that riding a bicycle (whether fixed or free) can help promote a state of physical and mental well-being, and I also believe that it can even help make the world a better place for the simple reason that people who are physically and mentally well make much more pleasant neighbors. In turn, pleasant neighbors make pleasant neighborhoods, pleasant neighborhoods make pleasant cities, pleasant cities make pleasant countries, and pretty soon we're all rolling around delightedly in flower patches and living in one gigantic barf-inducing Portland. However, it's also hard not to suspect that, at least for some people, things like Zen and the environment are mostly just purchasing themes. (There's nothing Zen about "upgrading," and there's nothing environmentally sound about the UPS truck delivering more eBayed vintage Campy to your house every week.) Furthermore, even though the fixed-gear scene officially closed in 2009 and subsequently "Apocalated" with that Walmart bike, companies continue to offer more and more accessories for these supposedly simple machines. Here's one example which was forwarded to me by an esteemed reader:


Date: 2010-04-22, 12:32AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Our roots run deep in the cycling tradition.

Our new hip bag, available in 4 colorways. $49

Mr. Wheelmen Tee, is a soft 30 single ring spun, 100% Cotton T-shirt. $24

Charles T-Shirt. This is the great Grandfather of the owner of Wheelmen & Co. $24

Mr. Wheelmen die-cut vinyl stickers. $1

All Made here in the USA!

I wasn't sure what makes a bag or a t-shirt "fixed" (unless the seller means they've all been mended) so I visited the company's website, where I learned the "hip bag" is still very much in vogue among the "fixerati:"

More importantly, though, I also stumbled upon what may be the most audacious "street cred" claim in all of fixed-geardom:

Concurrently in time, Bradford’s Great Grandfather, Thomas Kelly, was establishing himself as one of the first bicycle repairmen in Ireland and one of the first to own the now known as Penny-Farthing bicycle.

Yes, that's right--this guys great grandfather was one of the first people in the entire world to own a p-far. This, insofar as fixed-gear marketing goes, is huge. While some participants in the fixed-gear lifestyle invoke "Zen," and others invoke the "environment," what nearly every one of them craves most is "authenticity." This is what compels consumers to painstakingly assemble NJS bicycles, or to spend ludicrous amounts of money on rare hubs, or to acquire full sleeve tattoos in a single sitting. It's why people give their money to certain companies or brands over others, since buying into a company's perceived "authenticity" is supposed to impart some of that "authenticity" on you. (Think those overpriced MASH Cinellis.) So, what could possibly be more authentic than buying a fanny pack from the first person ever to rock a p-far? The only way you could possibly outdo that is to prove that your great great grandfather owned the first-ever dandy horse and that he totally "schooled" that Irish p-far guy one time on the way to the blacksmith.

Another thing I noticed was a link to the "I Love My Bike" book project, which I'd also seen on various other blogs such as fixed-gear freestyle impresario and streetwear enthusiast Prolly's:


Essentially, this involved traveling all over the country and photographing people with their bikes:

Now, this seems like a lovely project, and I suppose the "bike culture" needs a yearbook like any other clique, but I simply cannot relate to the "I Love My Bike" concept. Certainly cycling is one of my very favorite things to do, but the bike itself is probably the least interesting thing about the whole endeavor. Furthermore, I think it's very dangerous to love things that cannot give you an orgasm. (And if your bike is giving you an orgasm you might want to rethink your saddle choice.) Then again, as another reader informs me, some bicycles do have "tits:"


!*!*!*!*!*!*!.....CANNONDALE ROAD BIKE .....!*!*!*!*!*!*! (ROCKY MOUNT)
Date: 2010-04-21, 2:58PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Cannondale road bike.....I bought it way-back-when ????? I think I paid around $1100 for the bike and a couple of hundred for all the accessories, I have the Cannonale computer, the under the seat Cannondale storage tool pouch, water bottle, and even an on board air pump,.... I honestly rode it about 5 times.....it still has the little tits on the tires......the rest of the time it has hung from the wall in my storage building.....this bike is very light weight, it weighs about 3.5 to 4 lbs.....asking $375 or best offer


I guess titted tires are better than tired tits.

120 comments:

Anonymous said...

bbang

shoegazer said...

yaaa - hoooo!!!

paul said...

Atl Earf

shoegazer said...

coasting in

Anonymous said...

still anonymous

Suzee said...

Q?

Anonymous said...

Happy earth day earthlings!!!!

Concerned 2.0 said...

Good morning! I can start my day now on the west coast without procrastinating.

Ron said...

Get the poison out!

Jefe said...

Top something.

Anonymous said...

I was in the Valencia street St.Pauls thrift shop (in S.F.) and saw a whole rack of Rebel8 jackets. They looked really cheap, but were priced at like $14, which is a lot of cash for a thrift store.

Is the book tour going to avoid S.F. for fear of confronting that guy?

Anonymous said...

TIRE TITS

CDEL BANG

KRTE HANZ

Jefe said...

"Furthermore, I think it's very dangerous to love things that cannot give you an orgasm."

I fear for your children. One way or the other.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jefe,

Eew! I guess I should have qualified that.

--BSNYC

Cav Not said...

No win, but at least I'm not a whiner.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

elusive friggin top ten

Matt said...

Man, that Cannondale weighs 3.5 to 4 pounds with the tits!? Cut those things off and it'll be really lightweight!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

If that guy's great grandfather owned one of the first p-fars, either p-fars came to Ireland pretty late, or the men in his family have kids pretty late in life.

ant1 said...

a 4 pound titted bike? i want one.

hillbilly said...

zinger of a last line! i've noticed that your initial paragraphs often have a buttload of quotes. I have no point, just commenting. Lovely work as always, good Times dig.

Anonymous said...

And herein lies the essence of Bikesnob:

Now, this seems like a lovely project, and I suppose the "bike culture" needs a yearbook like any other clique, but I simply cannot relate to the "I Love My Bike" concept. Certainly cycling is one of my very favorite things to do, but the bike itself is probably the least interesting thing about the whole endeavor. Furthermore, I think it's very dangerous to love things that cannot give you an orgasm. (And if your bike is giving you an orgasm you might want to rethink your saddle choice.)

He is more Zen than he gives himself credit.

hillbilly said...

Jefe wins comment of the day, doesn't matter what happens from here on out.

boys on the hoods said...

Snob, in keeping with your orgasm themeway....

Is rainforest "wood" like morning "wood" but in a tent beside the Amazon ?? If it's in NYC does the apartment need to be all steamed up ??

mikeweb said...

Just returned from my lunchtime ride in CP. Didn't see any Earth Day banners. Didn't see any Grant's tomb banners either.

CommieCanuck said...

New York is also the sixth most populous metropolitan area in the entire world. This is not to say that we shouldn't be finding alternatives to rainforest wood, or that the manner in which the city purchases materials doesn't involve lots of sordid mutual masturbation, but I also think it's pretty likely we use a whole bunch of stuff way more than the rest of the country does for the simple reason that there are so many of us.

Thus, started the "Exterminate New Yorkers" movement.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Wow! That Cannondale is only like $100 a pound.

gregoryyy said...

Tits..P-Fars..Loving my bike!!.All this talk is making want to have a smoke ( maybe a cup of Foldgers).This blog is gettin me randy.And I'm celibate.

CommieCanuck said...

Get some Canadians to go to NYC and start beating people to death with clubs. We're good at that. Especially those furry little ones with the big eyes that hang around Saks on 5th.

leroy said...

Well shucks, until today's post, I didn't realize that "Howdy Doody" was a traditional Earth Day shout out.

Honestly, the stuff I learn here ....

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Yup, game over. Jefe blew us all away.

George Not Hincapie said...

Jefe- come on back out and take a bow, baby.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

shoegazer said...

golf claps for Jefe!

Chris said...

3 to 4lb that's like 3 milks or what, half a baby? Somebody buy that bike, and know him down on price because it's below the UCI weight limit. Actually I think we could start referring to bike weight in epic burritos. The Crackandfail would probably be 1 on the CEB (California Epic Burrito) scale.

Jefe said...

Thanks, y'all. I really do not believe that Snob either hates, nor wants sexual congress, with his offspring. We all occasionally take that one extra leap into humor that we wish we had qualified.

3G said...

BABY RUTH

If the bike has titties, but, it's lightweight, does that mean it's an A cup?

FYI the D is the biggest

ant1 said...

bikes used to be measured in milk or babiy units. the titties really tie the units together. it might be our conversion factor.

Jefe - here's a one handed clap for you. but remember, just because they can, doesn't mean they will. unconditional love might be not getting an orgasm from something that could give you one.

Suzee said...

Thought I had a slight chance in the sprint but a 'Leech Advocacy' banner in the crowd caught my eye and I lost the wheel...


"Tough on leeches, tough on the causes of leeches..."

Anonymous said...

Best closing line ever!

-Roo NYC

hillbilly said...

thank goodness the NYPD saved Obama from the bikes on Houston today!

http://gothamist.com/2010/04/22/nypd_seen_confiscating_bikes_along.php

Nogocyclist said...

I tried to find the actual video of these tree lovers. What I found was a ton a jokes about it. This seems to be the closest to the original.

I do not know if this real or not. It is almost too ridiculous to be real, and at the same time too ridiculous to be fake.
Earth First Mourning the Death of Trees

I think this is too weird even for someone from Portland.

CommieCanuck said...

what...no one?

CommieCanuck said...

sigh, I have to do everything myself...

TIRE TITS

innerlighter said...

I'll give you $117.50 for that tired, old C-dale as long as it comes with the disembodied foot.

meh

innerlighter said...

Uh, Commie...
see Anon 12:43.
And get a stronger cup of coffee, or whatever it is you drink up there to start your day.

Probly Molson.

g said...

Jefe,
The first rule of bikesnob is no apologizes on bikesnob.
Or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Can someone explain what that thing is above the stem?

Is that some '80s style bike mirror?

frilly said...

No doubt. Snob, I love my cats but thankfully am not so orgasmically challenged.

hmmm, looks like somebody might be holding a bit of a grudge.

And mwah, mwah--kisses for Jefe, the KOC jersey winner.

hillbilly said...

CC -see anon 12:43

Anonymous said...

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Wait I know the answer to this one.
Is it erm... "fap fap fap"?

All my tires used to have tits, but strangely they seem to have migrated to my own body, David Hasselhoff-style since I turned 30. No shit.

sufferist said...

Note to the wise, Craigslist pounds are not the same as standard pounds. There is a conversion system though.

The forumla is as follows:

Given,
CraigsList Pounds = CLP
Douche's Constant = DC
Inverse CoTangent = ICT

ICT(CLP)^DC

In our case this gives you:
ICT(3.5)^14

yielding:
36.3088128

(Douche's Constant is found adding up the number of exclamation points used in the post. Please do not confuse Douche's Constant with Douche's Ratio, which is the purported purchase price divided by the asking price)

I hope this helps.....

If someone can do the conversion to DFU's by all means do so...

Udder said...

In the case of this seller, those may be little dicks on the tires, not little tits.

theshepherdsdog said...

that's a really really light bike

sufferist said...

Also, the seller might be super strong and just guesstimating the weight..

frilly said...

Maybe its aluminum (foil).

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Love my bike site has roughly 126 pics posted, approx. 12 of 126 are not fixed or singlespeeds, whats the point?

Frilly you are one of three(?) ladies who comment, please refrain from divulging stats like you are "not so orgasmically challenged" it aint right.

Nogocyclist said...

Sufferist:

It's really much simpler than that. The Craig's List seller is from GB. Unlike the rest of Great Britain, the region he is from still uses Stone Pounds for weighing bicycles. That bike is really between 49lb. and 56lb. when using pounds.

If you examine that bike closely, you will see it was in bad shape. He poured concrete in the tubes to restore it to its original lateral stiffness.

grog said...

there once was a young wench with dimples. she went out with a retch having pimples. she became mired with fits, caused by tires with tits. the wench and the retch now wrest with a wrench de la nipple.

Suzee said...

Mingus, my dear, I, like the Frillyway, refrain from fucking cats for pleasure... The fur or meat's good tho.

frilly said...

Mingus, my dear, I did not mean to offend. I was merely pointing out that my kitties are safe. btw, my saddle is also adjusted properly.

ringcycles said...

RTMS: I foretell that Mrs Snob will soon heartily albeit wearily confirm your last item in this post. Soon you will make lactation jokes at your personal peril.

Though I agree with ant1st that you may have discovered the milk units to babies unit conversion factor. Perhaps Liz Hatch could give us the pro tech confirmation.

sufferist said...

Nogo:

I can't believe that I got the formula wrong. Here is the improved formula, utilizing the Arc Tangent and the Inverse Douche Ratio, which yields:

arctan(CLP)^DC * (1/DR) + arctan(CLP)^DC

arctan(3.5)^14 * (375/1100) + arctan(3.5)^14 = 48.6868172lbs.

Now if the seller has beefed up the frame with concrete, that is not accounted for in the formula, but could be estimated if you knew the internal volume of the frame and the specific gravity of the concrete. I'll leave that up to the rest of the commenters as an excersize.

sufferist said...

I found the specific gravity of concrete with Portland, which seemed fitting since the city frequents the Snob's missives.

Specific Gravity:
Concrete, Limestone w/Portland 2.37

Dolphinus said...

Enjoy your earth while you can.

By the way, thanks for the fish.

CommieCanuck said...

Uh, Commie...
see Anon 12:43.


12:43pm? No way, I'm hung over until at least 2pm.


DWNY JUNR

sufferist said...

Or you could fill the bike up with water, weigh the water and then multiply by 2.37.

That might be the easiest thing to do. Concrete can get kinda messy.

ant1 said...

ringcycles - +1 on the Liz Hatch thing.

Dr. Feel Good said...

Heh, heh, heh.....Snob said "Doody"!

yogisurf said...

I had the same line as Matt. Red Lanturn.

Nogocyclist said...

Sufferist:

I was going to say poured lead in tubes, but I believe it would have then weighted more than 3.5 or 4.0 stone. Also is it legal to mention something like lead on earth day?

Biggus Dickus said...

Bragging about your sexual function on a comment board is a certain mark of the Philistine.

Unless you're talking about how large your cock is.

Anonymous said...

http://www.slate.com/id/2250893/

LK said...

On that note, I'm going to have sugar in my tea today.

http://tinyurl.com/2ffywbk

CommieCanuck said...

it legal to mention something like lead on earth day?

I'd hate lead more if it wasn't so damned delicious.

CommieCanuck said...

Bragging about your sexual function on a comment board is a certain mark of the Philistine.
Unless you're talking about how large your cock is.


Check out this huge cock.

CommieCanuck said...

or this one.

Salty Seattle said...

Sorry, I'm late.

My new tires' tits were sore, and wouldn't go anywhere until they'd been on the heating pad for a while.

sufferist said...

Nogo:

Lead is elemental, it has as much right to be here as any other natural element. It is not like those uppity man-made elements. AKA, the divas of the period table.

Please be sure not to ingest the lead though...and if you must ingest, ingest responsibly....

sufferist said...

I'm looking at you CC....

frilly said...

phil·is·tine:
1. somebody indifferent to intellectual matters
2. regarded as uncultured

1. I'm here because Snob's a 'good fucking writer'. The chance to stir the pot every once in a while is just a bonus.
2. Uncultured? Hardly! Another happy participant in this big ol' party we call bike culture.

ant1 said...

CC - please stop spreading pictures of my cock around the internet.

Salty Seattle said...

frilly-

Points to you!

May this karma bring you extra, multiples in the orgasmway.

Anonymous said...

I hope I'm dead before the hipsters run the world

IRNY SHUI

FENG HPZR

DUSH WINE

KRTE HANZ

Anonymous said...

snob, I think you're gay. do you drag?

Anonymous said...

Sufferist:

You are sounding a little like our King Douche from Iowa State. Easy on the equations. I'm cramping up.

Long Live the King.

sufferist said...

Anon 4:45-
Math has long been the favorite tool of satirists...

g said...

CC,
I expected you to be all over this.

Nogocyclist said...

Sufferist, I disagree with math being the favorite tool of satirist. Photoshop is.
For Example

ervgopwr said...

JOLY STYL

TYRE TYTS

theshepherdsdog said...

good comments today all

Concerned v.3.0 said...

Snob, within 25 years, you will either become a liberal activist, a conservative curmudgeon, or a milquetoast moderate. Mehbe sooner.

Anonymous said...

As far as bikes and orgasms go... One of my very first wet dreams involved rubbing it on a the rear tire of my bike. Crazy but not as crazy as the one where I was rubbing it on my school locker. I really could have used a girlfriend when I was 13 or 14.

Cognorant said...

Not that it's a big deal or anythig but I'm not so sure I'm on board with the whole Jefe comment of the day thing. (sorry Jefe).

Snob has a technical out in that he did say "things" (that cannot give you an orgasm). The word thing usually refers to inanimate objects.

It's still funny, don't get me wrong, I'm just sayin...

Frank Eeckman said...

check this out, re your recent extenze post:
http://www.chicagobreakingsports.com/2010/04/merritt-reigning-olympic-400-meter-champion-faces-doping-suspension.html

Anonymous said...

In the old days we planted trees on Arbor Day. For Earth Day people listen to speeches & watch parades. That's Progress.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Sufferist:

Formally, Douche's Constant is derived using the number of extraneous exclamation points. Granted, it has a small effect on the outcome of the calculations discussed here most of the time, and I hate to be a prig on the point, but if you're gonna do math...

Sarah P said...

What! almost!

Sarah P said...

Century babies!!

ringcycles said...

anon 8:38, the progress is now we can celebrate with an epic game of hacky sac. Just becareful in the park if you play barefoot. Should Tim "the banner man"'s harness fail (Gaia forbid), you could step in a pile of steaming Doody.

Anonymous said...

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL COMMIE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND THAT HE IS NOT, IN ANY WAY, FUNNY.

AND TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF AND DIE TOO PLEASE.

MANY THANKS.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:35-

Okay. I'll take you up on that.

HEY ANON 12:35! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ARE NOT, IN ANY WAY, INTELLIGENT.

AND YOU'RE A PUSSY FOR ASKING A BUNCH OF STRANGERS TO PICK YOUR FIGHTS FOR YOU. FUCK OFF, AND CONTINUE TO LIVE SO YOU CAN LEARN TO MELLOW OUT.

MANY THANKS.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CC, is there any way you can get your ex-wife to stop posting on here?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anan 2:29, honestly, the only reason I ride is to keep my man-titties down to a B-cup.

Anonymous said...

Last?
Great post today Mr Snob.

ant1 said...

merckx - good one!

I am the engine said...

This duck walks into a bar with a nipple wrench.....

More Nipple wrench jokes, complete tie in with milk, babies, and breasts.

George Not Hincapie said...

Presta/Schrader/Titnipple

George Not Hincapie said...

New Vittoria Colostrum Pro 23C

Anonymous said...

Zen. Lol. Awesome. :)

Phil Jacobs said...

That hip bags is made by Wheelmen&Co., owned by a good friend of mine. Honored that bikesnob took the time to make fun of them. You want a free hip bag, snobby?

Anonymous said...

I think the bag actually looks pretty cool and I'm pro-moustache. This blog is aptly named but I'm in.

matthew said...

So Brittain and I are doing the book prject, and we think that it would be great to photograph you with a paper bag over your head, to keep your identity secret of course. If you want I can draw a nice smiley face on it for you. Thoughts? Thanks for the mention in good taste.

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