Severing Attachments: Easy Come, Easy Go

(Nonplussed investors react to the plummeting value of their PistaDex futures.)

In today's fast-paced world of flying cars, lunar colonies, and entire meals in pill form, things have a much shorter shelf life than they used to "back in the day." (Actually, we don't even have shelves anymore thanks to that new "hovercabinet" technology.) Consequently, while it used to take at least decades to grow nostalgic about something, the entire emergence/disappearance/nostalgia cycle now only takes a few years. Consider the Bianchi Pista, which until recently was a byword for fashionable urban cycling but is now merely a reminder of days gone by. A reader has forwarded me this Craigslist posting, which neatly sums it all up:

Bianchi Pista Track Bike Fixed Gear - $400 (Chapel Hill)
Date: 2010-03-21, 10:31PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

This is the best bike that I have ever owned. I love this bike. We've had some great times together. When we (the bike and I) ran over that cute roller blader on the west side highway near battery park and had to tow her to her apartment because her leg wouldn't work. How about the many scotch inflicted drunken bike rides back to brooklyn after playing hoops and going out uptown with my bros. Pulling a Fred Flintstone when our chain would come off on the backside of the manhattan bridge. From all the scratches from the kryptonite chains to all the near fatal encounters when running the red lights this bike is a part of me. If I had the cash I would bury it next to me when I die. But, I don't and that's why it has to go. It's a circa 2000 model. All Black. Chrome Moly Forks. No brakes. There are holes for brakes if you want to add them but DON'T YOU DARE. I Guess it's got a flip flop hub. I've never flipped it. Or flopped it for that matter. Ohhh somebody shoot me now. Lots of battle scars on the frame. Thanks for looking.

Note that the seller's tales take place in New York but he is located in Chapel Hill, NC. Clearly what's happening now is that the "fixters" of yesteryear (or at least yestermonth) are retiring down south, where they reminisce fondly about their fixed-gear exploits over early bird specials. These early retirements will be even easier going forward, thanks to the "hipster" component of the new health care bill. Not only can Americans remain on their parents' health insurance plans until they're 26 now, but they're also eligible for Medicaid at 30, which leaves only four years without a safety net. So, assuming you manage to survive your brakeless and chainless Manhattan Bridge descents for a few years, then you, Nobr Akes, and the rest of your crew can while away your remaining years playing ironic shuffleboard--provided of course you can sell your "whip" to fund your lifestyle change.

Of course, early "hipster" retirement isn't the only reason to sell your Pista; sometimes your wife puts her "foot down:"

bianchi pista - $650 (soundview)
Date: 2010-03-20, 10:36AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2006 pista chromo lite - mint all new components (sram crank, sugino chainring 48t, velocity celeste wheelset, ultegra front brake, origin8 stashbar, profile design stem, 16t cog and 16t freewheel gear, specialized bg jett 130 seat, mks chrome chain). wife put her foot down, trimming the herd. 917 439 [deleted].

I'm guessing what probably happened is that this couple were discussing their finances. Like many people, they had invested heavily in Pistas during the mid-Aughts bubble. However, as we all know, the fixed-gear freestyle sport fad coupled with the flooding of the entry-level fixie market caused the Pista to decrease in value. Consequently, when the couple went to check their on their portfolio, they were rather nonplussed:

"I'm very concerned about this."

"We're so fucked."

Clearly it was time to "thin the herd," but how to decide which bicycle to sell? Well, why not a game of "footdown?" So, they started trackstanding right there in the living room, and after three days the wife finally put her foot down first, meaning he got to keep the one with the Aerospokes but he'd sell the one with the "celeste" rims.

But even if you're glad to see that the Pista's heyday is finally over, who among us does not have at least a few fond feelings for his humble bicycle? In a sense, this was the bike that brought urban cycling into the Internet age--the first bike to be discovered (Youtube, Fixedgeargallery), bought, sold, and traded (Craigslist) by aspiring cyclists entirely online. Speaking of the Internet, another reader sent me an article from the New York Times. Basically, it's a roundup of books about how digital media is harming our intellectual culture (which is kind of like saying the advent of derailleur gears harmed cycling or the invention of the refrigerator harmed our ability to store food), but the astute reader who forwarded it to me noticed an interesting phrase:

Digital insiders like Mr. Lanier and Paulina Borsook, the author of the book “Cyberselfish,” have noted the easily distracted, adolescent quality of much of cyberculture. Ms. Borsook describes tech-heads as having “an angry adolescent view of all authority as the Pig Parent,” writing that even older digerati want to think of themselves as “having an Inner Bike Messenger.”

First of all, I disagree that people are "easily distracted" now. Rather, I maintain that thanks to the Internet we no longer have to waste time on stuff that sucks. If you were, say, into "underground" music in the pre-Internet 1980s, you might sit through an entire episode of "Headbangers Ball" on MTV just to see this one video. That's like an hour of the most inane music imaginable interspersed with the yammering of some vacuous host wearing a motorcycle jacket and a thick layer of flammable lacquer on his hair. The reason people don't do that anymore is not because they're less patient; it's because you'd be an idiot to do that when you don't have to. You find the video immediately, watch it, and then get on with your day.

More important, though, is the phrase "Inner Bike Messenger." With this, the author is actually on to something. However, you don't have to be a member of the "digerati" to have an Inner Bike Messenger (or IBS--which is not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Rather, I believe we all have one. I know I do, and I'm certainly not one of the "digerati" (though I am arguably a member of the "doucherati"). Your Inner Bike Messenger is sort of a spirit animal who shepherds you through your day, but it takes introspection and meditation to get in touch with this guide. It was only after a long period spent in seclusion that I was able to see my own, but now he is there for me whenever I call upon him:

Admittedly, I was rather taken aback at first, but now I can't imagine life without him.

I will concede, however, that digital media and the Internet has facilitated the craven act of ripping other people off. Consider this bicycle which was spotted by a reader at Taipei Cycle:

Clearly, this "epic" crabon fribé über-hybrid is a brazen--and failed--attempt to replicate the magnificence that is the World's Greatest Madone:

Speaking of Madones, Lance Armstrong and The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company recently bestowed a considerably lesser Madone upon French President Nicolas Sarkozy:

Trek clearly spared no expense on this lavish gift, for in addition to a custom Gallic "couleur manière," wheels of crabon fribé, and top-of-the-line SRAM Rouge group, it also features a main désincarnée:

We may never know for sure whose body is attached to that hand, but one thing's for certain: Sarkozy loves his new bike. Reportedly, it never leaves his side, and he even takes it en vacance:

(Open Marriage: Sarkozy, Bruni, and the bike enjoy a ménage à trois)

Meanwhile, in the Craigslist universe, yet another reader informs me that disembodied hands are now passé and that the "sellerati" have moved on to disembodied feet:

Here is the ad in which the disembodied feet were feetured:

Want to trade - front flat black aerospoke
Date: 2010-03-18, 10:13PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

i want to trade my front great condition front aerospoke painted flat black spins true as day no cracks 700c
for
-other carbon rims 700c clincher
-700c wheelset laced to phils
- aero seatpost 27.2 + 1inch wing carbon aero bars
- rear rim laced to a fixed chub hub
each of these offers are open to cash on top, depending on the item
as well as on my part if you got one of these things that you know if worth more then just an aerospoke
maybe we can work somthing out

i dont mean to sound like a jerk but
DO NOT TEXT ME IF YOU DONT HAVE SOMTHING LISTED ABOVE
IM SORRY IM JUST NOT INTERESTED

shoot me a text
let me know what you got
805 813 [delete]

IF I DON'T REPLY IM NOT INTERESTED
this post has been up for a while and im tired of hassling with with people who heckle me with stuff i dont want

His tone may seem a bit brusque, but when you've got a sweet flat back Aerospoke that spins "true as day" and you want to trade it for a newer, trendier wheel, then the "schmuckerati" tend to come out of the proverbial woodwork. As for the feet, there's no telling to whom they're attached. Some might think they're simply those of the seller, but I prefer to believe they're attached to a scantily-cad lady doing sit-ups and using a piece of wood freshly hewn by a "fakerjack" to secure her feet:

The truth is, disembodied hands and feet can teach us a valuable lesson about humanity, which is that our assumptions are often wrong and that snap judgements are dangerous. Consider this hand, which I photographed yesterday as it held an aerosol spraycan to a graffitied doorway:

One might assume that it is connected to a graffiti "artist" clad in the latest streetwear:

However, it was actually attached to this gentleman, clad in the latest schtetlwear:

Anyway, I came back a few hours later, and I'm pleased to report that his finished piece was stunning:

That's Yiddish for "All You Haters Suck My Balls."