Thursday, March 4, 2010

The More Things Change: The Indignity of Protesting by Bicycle

Further to yesterday's post concerning "ANTgate," I'm pleased to announce that everything seems to have been resolved. If anything, I like to think that this misunderstanding underscores the fact that the art of Internet discourse can be just as painstaking as frame building, and that in both cases even the smallest imperfection can cause the entire structure to fail catastrophically. Still, while I'm glad it's all over, I must admit I had expected the controversy to continue for at least a few more weeks, which is why I now regret spending the last sixteen hours creating this "ANTgate 2010" graphic:

(It's an ant and a gate. Get it?)

Oh well, who says you need to sleep every night? (Apart from most doctors, that is.) As much as I would have liked to get more use out of this stunning graphic, the most important thing is that everybody is happy again and that there are no hurt feelers. Furthermore, as an expression of my goodwill, I'm also offering an award of $250,000 (or £26.50) to anybody who can recover Mike Flanigan's stolen bike. Just click here for details.

Unfortunately, I also think this incident has underscored one of the more insidious aspects of this whole notion of a "bike culture." While two bike dorks will make every effort to clear up a misunderstanding and resolve their differences, the whole of bike dorkdom will not hesitate to pounce on an outsider. This is the danger of social groups, and such was the case yesterday when well-known famous celebrity Paris Hilton was cited for driving in a bike lane:

(Celebutard-gate)

Sure, it's tempting to point, laugh, and cheer, which is what most cyclists did. But how many of us actually took the time to consider the incident from Hilton's point of view? Just because she's been imprisoned for drunk driving in the past, has no discernible job, and spends her free time literally rolling around in cocaine with her disgusting friends does not mean that she didn't have a good reason for using the bike lane to pass some other cars. For example, she could have been rushing to get to the bank in order to wire huge chunks of her inherited fortune to help earthquake victims in Haiti and Chile. Or, she could have simply been trying to regain her coveted status as the Biggest Traffic Menace in Hollywood after Anne Hathaway's car cold-cocked that "hipster:"

It's well-known that Hollywood celebrities adhere to a points system--the trendier the victim, the more points you get. Most likely Hilton was rushing to a fixed-gear freestyle "sesh" where literally hundreds of points were on offer and she hoped to snag a few stragglers in the bike lane on the way, but sadly for her she was stopped before she could get there. She also missed a huge opportunity back in November, when she failed to drive her car through that Jared Leto video shoot:

That would have been game, set, and match.

It is heartening, though, to see Los Angeles apparently making good on its recent promise to "better protect cyclists:"

(Beck makes universal "All You Cyclists, I Will Protect Your Balls" hand gesture)

Not only did Beck call cyclists “our most vulnerable commuters” and promise “We hear you, we know we need to do a better job for you,” but he was also played to perfection by "Magnum, P.I." star Tom Selleck:

This is a real turnaround by a city that is as synonymous with cars as Portland is with cycling, or New York City is with subways, or as Portland is with smugness--and it doesn't stop there. Los Angeles also apparently has bike messengers (isn't that cute?), and they're dishing out hearty, sizzling helpings of street justice to bike thieves:

Of course, messengers in Los Angeles do this in their own unique way. While couriers elsewhere might engage the thieves in fisticuffs, "LA style" messenger justice mostly involves making them take off their clothes:
Or, to put it another way, in New York it's "Don't Steal Bikes, Bro," but in LA they don't wanna "fuck you up"--they "Wanna Sex You Up."

In any case, Los Angeles is confusing to many people from the New York area because it basically just feels like Manhasset or White Plains except unlike Long Island or Westchester there doesn't seem to be a real city nearby so we can't figure out where we're supposed to go. San Francisco, on the other hand, is a bit easier for us to understand--it's like New York if it had been founded by hippies instead of Dutch merchants. Also, San Francisco is very "bikey." But while Los Angeles is now embracing cyclists, a reader informs me that San Francisco is starting to reject them--at least when they coagulate into the soggy breadbowl full of chowder known as "Critical Mass:"

It's great to see that the Ass-Backwards Dachshund of Social Progress continues to advance (and by "advance" I mean "retreat") and that Critical Mass is maintaining its efforts to ban the practice of group cycling. Well done--getting yourself banned from a city full of cannabis clubs that gave America both the Summer of Love and the gay rights movement can't be easy. It's like Paris Hilton not wanting to hang out with you because you're too stupid or you do too much cocaine. While ostensibly a form of social protest, Critical Mass seems to draw its influence from the more potent strains of flu in that it likes to pop up in various cities, cause a bunch of trouble, and ultimately drive people to try to stomp it out. Thanks to Critical Mass it's already illegal now to ride in groups of more than 50 here in New York--though I suppose there's a "silver lining" in that the law will make "tweed ride" organization that much more difficult:

If I might suggest a date, how about April 4th, 1898?

I'll admit though that I have a difficult time understanding bike advocacy. I thought the point of it was to make it easier for us to simply ride our bikes around normally like they do over in Copenhagen or wherever. However, if that were true, then it would seem that a good way to go about that would be for people to, well, ride around normally like they do over in Copenhagen or wherever. (Traditionally, the most successful social movements seem to essentially do the thing that they want to be able to do--think Rosa Parks.) Instead, though, bike advocacy people in America seem to be more interested in riding around in huge groups or wearing funny costumes, which I'd wager the majority of us aren't really all that interested in doing on a daily basis, and which is really just the equivalent of Rosa Parks walking around town in a clown suit. Speaking of clowns, here's another brilliant upcoming protest sure to accomplish absolutely nothing:

What bicycle commuter wouldn't want to be associated with this?

As any dramatic actor, professional person, or political candidate will undoubtedly tell you: If you want to be taken seriously, dress like a clown.

Indeed, the world of bike advocacy is bizarre, DayGlo, and often difficult to get a handle on--sort of like these handlebars, which were forwarded to me by a reader:

If they ever remake "Back to the Future" with bikes instead of cars this would be a good substitute for the DeLorean. Really "feeling" the flux capacitor handlebar setup.

85 comments:

SD friend said...

FIRST!!!!! It's the oatmeal

Anonymous Coward said...

podium!!

Nogocyclist said...

Just riding by today

g said...

Dammit! Finger-bang you ANT1!

luciferyellow said...

I am pretty proud of myself for this high finish; this blue clown bike does not ride as smoothly as I was promised when I bought it off craigslist.

Anonymous said...

They dingo stole your ANT

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

mikeweb said...

Top 10 BOOB?

ringcycles said...

Top ten with the critical mass rollout

shoegazer said...

i only said

mikeweb said...

podium for ant1!

Anonymous said...

In Paris!

I mean, in BEFORE Paris

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

top 20!

BDAY RYDE

poole said...

upper teens! woohoo!

Udder said...

Agree that goofy protests do more harm than good and lump cyclists into a fringe category.

Also, it's a good thing you can write if that "Antgate" visual took you all night.

luciferyellow said...

Does that qualify as an "invisible orange"?

Salty and Sore said...

I'm back!

What'd I miss?

Did Snobbie jump the Shark yet?

Has the Lobster God sought vengeance on the non-believers?

Is Cippo still a man-slut?

ant1 said...

snobby - "Los Angeles is a confusing"

Lawrence of the Labia said...

BIKE LANE

COKE ROLL

COLD COCK

REAL CITY

BOOB TEAM

Cyclin' Missy said...

I don't get those handlebars. How are those even used?

elkue said...

"Thanks to Critical Mass it's already illegal now to ride in groups of more than 50 here in New York--"

Should read :

"Thanks to Critical Mass it's already illegal now to ride in groups of more than 50 here in New York without a parade permit".

ringcycles said...

Snobbie: I'd wait until the UCI rules on that flux capacitor handlebar setup. If they decide its illegal, think of all the time you'll have wasted on your TT bike. Though, you might still be able to ride it with the Rock Racing (really, we're not dead yet) amateur outlaws.

ant1 said...

snobby - how much do you want for that ANTgate? my limo driver accidentally drove through the entrance gate of my summer estate.

grog said...

just curate your flux capacitor in your pantway. remember to grease it good.

SD friend said...

the critical mass in san diego has pretty girls on beach cruisers. how could you get mad at them?

FeedTheJoe said...

BOOB RIDE

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

they should do a critical mass or a foolish protest ride today... it IS parade day after all...

MARCH FORTH!

(had to use thumbs for that one)

Anonymous said...

I went to NYC on a vacation once and was puzzled by the number of circus/mime/clown troupes wandering the city trying to express themselves to me. are new yorker thirtysomething hipsters who just saw "man on wire" the new italians who just saw "rocky"?

p.s. when are you going to do a week of l.a. blogging like when letterman comes out here or family matters went to disneyland?

Anonymous said...

I own a set of those disgusting profile aerobars. They were my first mailorder purchase, from Nashbar, back in 94 or so. They were endorsed by Greg Lemond! I am still using the Selle Italia Flite saddle I ordered that day on my commuter.

hillbilly said...

Were any ants harmed in the taking of that picture?

YATE said...

Good to see that the twitter-fuelled inter-fight was solved meh-raculously.

mikeweb said...

@ anon 1:29,

The circus must have been in town when you were here. Or else the Republican convention. Could've been either by your description.

Nogocyclist said...

Nice to see a thought provoking post today after yesterday.
Followed your link on the LA article and it had a link to a Berlin article stating that the city outlawed fixies.

Comments were interesting. They pointed out the obvious about the article being poorly written. The article basically said fixed geared bikes were outlawed. The truth is simply that in Berlin you must have a front brake to be legal. This most interesting comment was the one where the commentator said they removed the brakes from their car and expressed the problems that caused. Interesting way to make the point that a bike is safer with brakes.

The commentator does not realize that I have experience doing this myself. As a teenager my dad asked me to move a '41 Buick from where it was parked. The easiest way to move it was to go out one drive and back up the other. When I came to the street, the brakes failed even after the pump the brakes frantically did not work. Mind you the traffic count on the street were this happened was 30 to 40 thousand cars daily, so this was a big problem. Sorry folks, no horror story, just went out into the street and back up the other drive with cars coming from both direction. Needless to say it scared the fool out of me.

My point: A car with no brakes at all in traffic is very scary. In the wrong situation a bike with inadequate brakes would also be very scary. I don't think I want to experience that on a bike either.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

sufferist said...

I was out yesterday, celebrating my the start of my 5th decade on the planet (thank you very much) and did not (i know) read the Wed. post. When I first saw it I thought that some fracas had developed with Mr. ant1. I was happy to see that it was not what I thought it was and that antgate was resolved peacefully and amicably as is customary to the bike dork way...pedal on and prosper....

TJ Eckleburg said...

No hurt feelers.

Nice.

Paul Bowen said...

Sir

Despite my clear instruction that you close my subscription, I note that you are still on my Internests.

Kindly desist forthwith or I will have no option but to instruct my solicitors Messrs Fleecem and Scarper, with whom, I am sure you are aware, it is inadvisable to fuck.

ant1 said...

this whole ant debacle hasn't been good for my internet image.

Bad Lawyer - who can i sue?

BadBeard said...

ANTGate1st!

Nogocyclist said...

Notice to Ant1st.

You are no longer top ant. Neither is Bike mike ant.

No here is the long hidden photo of Bike Snob NYC. He truly is the Top Ant.

Anonymous Coward said...

Snob, based upon the genius of it, I have to assume that a large portion of those 16 hours were spent crafting that caption.

3G said...

GIGA WATT

R Polanski said...

Barely legal.

leroy said...

Ant1 -- you sue the person with the money. Shucks, you don't need a fancy lawyer to tell you that.

edom bin necker said...

ayisjh

(all you infidels suck jolenes habib)

A. Franken said...

What the fuck is Palin doing on Leno's show? Doesn't she realize that no one takes an entertainer with marginal comedic skills seriously?

ant1 said...

leroy - between a small time bike builder and big time blogger, it's hard to tell who has any money.

last legal comment

Surly Bastard said...

Sorry to hear that ANTGate is over. Ah well, it sure was entertaining while it lasted. Still I'd hang on to that ANTGate graphic, it's very nice, and who knows? Dealing with OCD frame builders anything can happen.

ant1 said...

maybe i should do something stupid(er than usual) to get antgate 2.0 going.

ervgopwr said...

I saw March Fourth (the band) at our version of Tour de Fat. Good times. Silly people in costumes, but there was beer (the ultimate excuse for anything).

Born said...

This is unbelievable! How could you guys make peace just like that? I was waiting for AT LEAST some proper nerd fighting:

ant1: omg fuking blogga noob.
BSNYC: lolz u wish nub Ill pwn ur ass enyday
ant1: yeah right btch least i got a reel job.
BSNYC: too bad all you can make are clown bikes!!
ant1: whatever n00b Id fkin own u at tark stands anyday idiot u suck azz.

Instead, this was like renting a porno and it turning out to be a MASH SF video! Come on!!

Formicator said...

Ant1,

Is this your place in Philadephia?

Anonymous said...

Way to go Antoine!!! Careful, there's some guy on here who will want to spank your ass & Vito bites.

Mwah! Happy Late Birfday Sufferist!

Never legal

Rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd
now with added mistaken meaning

ant1 said...

Formicator - i tried a hostile takeover of that business a while back. i gave up once i realized what it was.

sufferist said...

Frilly: Yesterday was a nice day for me and today I get a direct communication from you. My 40s are really starting to look up (two days in as I am). Thanks....

Anonymous said...

I'm somewhat disappointed the sentence that began, "Speaking of clowns" didn't end with a re-link to the offending "clown bike for sale" Craigslist post.

Strayhorn said...

"the art of Internet discourse can be just as painstaking as frame building"

Er, does that mean you'll be moving to Taiwan soon?

Sarah P said...

@ Al Franken
wasn't I just a little funny? What me doing Tina Fey i thought was good!

Keep up the great work Snobby!

Anonymous said...

Has the Snob seen this?
http://cakeheadlovesevil.wordpress.com/2010/03/02/pete-fowlers-tweeting-bike/

PCLA said...

All You LA Haters Eat My Epic LAPD Burrito:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hollenbeck

Anonymous said...

I, for one, welcome our new ANT masters.

I am the engine said...

Ich bin kein Berliner.

Stupid Name said...

I think the story of ant-gate has been highly exagerated. Nobody broke into a office building, no cubans were involved, on president was forced to lie, no tapes were erased, no resignations were tendered, and no blow-jobs were performed.

OOPS, got my gates confused.

Midnight Mike said...

Bike Snob,
San Francisco did not give us Gay Rights---New York did! Check your history out:

http://www.answers.com/topic/gay-rights

Many date the expansion of the modern gay rights movement to the Stonewall rebellion in New York City in 1969, when a raid by police on a gay bar called the Stonewall Inn provoked a riot by bar patrons. "Stonewall" came to be commemorated annually by the observance of Gay and Lesbian Pride Week in cities around the world.

Anonymous said...

>Really "feeling" the flux capacitor handlebar setup.

did bsnyc just come out as a hipster runoff reader?

Anonymous said...

Scrodium (way down low)

Anonymous said...

It's because of all them there self-important whiny assholes that Big Bureaucracy has finally swung it's big ol' cyclopean attention towards bikes. Thank you, Critical Mass, for ruining the cyclist's fun, for getting outlawed here and there, for the 7% HST. What the fuck is next? Mandatory retroactive tax on all bikes, and mandatory licences?

SUV Guy said...

Photo of the average bike racer from the other side of the pond.

Your Photo

Anonymous said...

One big advantage of requiring NYC cyclists to be licensed would be that they'd have some accountability for their behavior towards everybody else (including other cyclists, when they don't want to participate in the whole “bike salmon” thing, or have some quaint expectation that having the green light confers right of way over crossing traffic). Even “bikers” tend to curb their solipsism in traffic, probably for that reason.

tweed geek said...

When someone attempts to steal a bike at one of our tweed rally's we often give spirited chase and it sometimes ends in fisticuffs(queensbury rules of course).

Safety Dance said...

I still can't get the Bicycle Safety Camp videos out of my head. Sam Sprocket has some Michael Jackson moves!

Coastiedouche said...

Those Tri bars are great.I usually see them on touring/ recreation/comfort bikes loaded up with old school horn, drink holder, mace, mirrors.I think all the material in them makes up for any aero effect they might have had.They're used to rest on more than anything ,kind of like an upright aproach to a recumbant bike.

wishiwasmerckx said...

A 73 comment day follows a 188 comment day. I guess people are a little burned out after yesterday's "epic" comment sesh.

Anonymous said...

My own experiences with Mike Flanagan have left me thinking: douchebag. Takes himself way too seriously and seems to think everyone else in the world is retarded. And, his precious commuter bikes have got to be the most over-priced, pretentious, defeat-the-purpose-ish ("it's not a car, but, let's price it like one!") modes of transportation ever meticulously welded. If you want a custom-made grocery-getter there are plenty of people willing to measure your limbs and create a bespoke status symbol that will radiate your cycling lifestyle just as well as his at a fraction of the price.

I pray that Chinese electric bikes put him out of business.

And, I hope he gets his clown-bike back -- with a lump of poop on its fancy German hub. Pfft.

Anonymous said...

EPIC SESH

Mellow Yellow said...

Free chowder in a fresh bread bowl, this Friday. 7pm Union Square North.

...you know, only if riding in streets filled with bikes instead of cars is like, the thing you want to be able to do...

follow the tweets and make the streets: critmasspanic

Anonymous said...

So, about this new law, who would they ask for the permit from?
I'm under the impression that Critical Mass has no leaders and no organizers. At least that's how it's done here and some other cities. Somebody picked a date many years ago and it keeps on happening.

In any case, here in Vancouver it's pretty well done it's job. We now have many bike lanes and trails and that's great. It isn't necessary anymore to make noise to be heard.
It was fun for awhile there though. I'm glad that there were videos shot.

tushar said...

Hey thats so wried Paris Hilton does not know the rules. Its fine she is in her own world so what bike & what car lane for Paris Hilton. ABC Town Car Limo offers NYC airport limo service, NYC charters and more on stretch limousines, sedan limo and NYC Limo.

mikeweb said...

wiwm:

True. I think Snobbie needs to offend more framebuilders and other assorted "bikeratti".

His obvious attempts last year to "call out" Jobst Brandt kind of fell flat.

PCLA said...

"Los Angeles is confusing to many people from the New York area ... there doesn't seem to be a real city nearby so we can't figure out where we're supposed to go."

Ouch. Basically, you are supposed to go to El Tepayec Cafe-Manuel's Original in Boyle Heights/East LA for a Burrito of Epic Proportions:

http://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/ZefFhlg3YlP2mG0Z6WVc0A?select=LG5GtAl9U_2KTyTLe048Ug

planky said...

It's so cool that the civil rights movement started and ended with Rosa Parks. I thought you were so much smarter than that. And no one will call you out, I guess you've reached rockstar status.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jym said...

=v= You obviously haven't seen those clowns when they take off their makeup and clown outfits. Your loss, dude.

jade said...

, I must admit I had expected the controversy to continue for at least a few more weeks, which is why I now regret spending the last sixteen hours creating this "ANTgate 2010" graphic: privatecarserviceparis