Some Assembly Required: Group Rides and Product Development

Like many cycling New Yorkers, I'm still reeling over the recent decision to uphold a law requiring groups of more than 50 riders to apply for a parade permit. Sure, our area group rides all start outside the city limits, and sure, I'm not even capable of assembling 50 people for a ride since my number of friends is in the low single-digits, but it's still disconcerting to know I'm now a mere 49 wheelsuckers away from being a criminal. Plus, even though I really don't need to ride with 49 people, it was comforting to know that I could do so if I wanted. For example, I've always fantasized about producing a "Tony and Tina's Wedding"-esque musical about life in the professional peloton, but now it looks like I can air-kiss that Tony Award® goodbye.

Indeed, the more I think about this whole parade law thing the more despondent I become, and it seems as though one by one my dreams are now falling like those little rectangular things with dots on them that topple over and in turn knock down the little rectangular things standing next to them, and so on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, etc., and so forth. Besides my musical, something else we may never get to experience in New York is one of those spontaneous Lance Armstrong "Twitter rides" where he summons a bunch of "Freds" with his BlackBerry like Ace Ventura summoned his pets:

("Come to me, jungle Freds!")

Armstrong's Twitter ride in Los Angeles last September reportedly drew something like 700 riders, which is 14 times the legal limit here in New York City. This data is important, because dividing the number of riders by the number of Twitter followers (I'm estimating Armstrong probably had around two million at the time) yields .00035, or 1 (one) Fred-Summoning Unit (or FSU), which in turn allows us to determine which other professional cyclists may still be able to legally orchestrate New York City Twitter rides in Armstrong's stead. Just choose your favorite rider, multiply the number of Twitter followers by .00035 (or one FSU), and you'll know immediately how big his or her Twitter ride will be. Consider Cadel Evans for example:

26,710 followers at press time means that a Cadel Evans Twitter ride would consist of about 9.3 people, and thus be perfectly legal. Tour de France winner Alberto Contador could also theoretically visit us and administer a quick fingerbanging:

With 12,583 followers his Twitter ride would be a very manageable 4.4 riders. (I like to think I'd be that .4, since I'm slightly less than half as strong as the average "Fred.") Even retired champion and unctuous sex symbol Mario Cipollini could pay us a "booty call:"

With a scant six followers, Mario Cipollini's Twitter ride would draw only .0021 riders, which essentially means he would be by himself--and which, if you think about it, is appropriately onanistic. Interestingly, Cipollini's Twitter consists entirely of a single "Tweet" made back in October 2009 in which he announced he was "eating pussy." Having not heard from him since, we can assume that either he is still at it, or more likely that some tragedy befell him in the process. Since it's been over four months now, I think it's safe to assume the worst, and I'd like to suggest that all of cycledom join together to memorialize him. I'm envisioning something simple and elegant--perhaps a bust somewhere along the Milan-San Remo route, with a small plaque beneath it bearing the words, "Mario Cipollini: Lost at Cunnilingus."

Speaking of professional cyclists, ITTET even they are being forced to perform tasks that fall outside of their traditional job description. Consider the Cervelo TestTeam for example. As their name indicates and as this video which was forwarded to me by a reader shows, in addition to racing and training the riders are responsible for product development. I watched this video with interest, and from what I can tell it's Thor Hushovd and Carlos Sastre who are the joint foremen of this whole bike-testing operation:

Now, both Hushovd and Sastre are great riders, and I have nothing but respect for them as athletes and as people. However, after watching this video I must admit that I do have some reservations as to their qualifications in the areas of engineering and quality control. Here's Sastre staring down the seat tube as though it's a can of nuts and he's afraid one of those novelty snakes might pop out of it:


And here he is awhile later, still trying to make sense of the thing:

("If the seat goes in there then what goes in here?")

While Sastre's testing method mostly involves staring at the frame in a nonplussed fashion, Hushovd is clearly the more cerebral of the two. Here he is explaining that the frame is lighter than milk:

Again, very few people in this world know more about riding a bike than Sastre and Hushovd, but I still can't help wondering how useful some of this dairy-related feedback actually is. Then again, perhaps it's incredibly useful. When a six-foot Norseman storms into your office, grabs you by the collar of your fleece pullover and says, "The other day I bought milk and I want my bike to be lighter than that," then by golly you make a frame that's lighter than milk. Meanwhile, as Hushovd continues to reminisce about his trip to the store, Sastre has begun to sniff curiously at the chainstays:

Mercifully, the video ended before Sastre went all "2001" on what is undoubtedly a very expensive prototype, and I guess I'll just have to take Cervelo's word for it that they know what they're doing.

Opposite the Apollonian world of crabon fribé Pro Tour race bike construction is the Dionysian realm of custom steel frame building. Whereas Cervelo engineers work well into the night on such problems as: "Which weighs more, a pound of milk or a pound of crabon?," framebuilders are a whimsical breed, guided by emotion. This is evident in the little baubles they like to produce in addition to frames and which are becoming increasingly de rigeur. For example, the other day I wrote about Mike Ahrens's WiseCracker integrated headset spacer/bottle opener. Additionally, another reader informs me that Sacha White of Vanilla is now making $90 ironic brass knuckles:

So ironic are these that the proceeds are actually being donated to "organizations for non-violence:"
Unfortunately, though, we here in New York are among those who will not be able to purchase them, which means I will have to find another way of frightening off that 49th wheelsucker. Even more unfortunately, it seems that White has made a tremendous engineering mistake. Clearly, the word "Speedwagen" should be backwards so that the impression will be legible on your victim. Even Thor Hushovd wouldn't have missed that. This is exactly why you won't see mistakes like that coming out of Cervelo--if they did Gerard Vroomen would look like this:

Regardless, once trendsetting custom builders like White start doing something you can bet that the mass producers will follow. In fact, budget mail order outfit Bikesdirect is already offering its own exquisite plastic spatula:


Don't worry, 50% of all proceeds will go to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Pancakes. Even triathletes are getting in on the novelty accessory trend, as yet another reader informs me:

Catheter and waste reservoir for Triathlon Racers - $60 (FallsChurch)
Date: 2010-02-17, 5:07PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Perfect for the triathlon geek in you desperate to come out! Need to pee while riding? No problem with the secret-pee system! Discretely fits right into your Bento Box! Never stop and run off the course again while losing valuable seconds, or corrode your fancy components with free running wild-style pee drippings. Brand new, never used. Will trade for fake tattoo arm warmers or energy gel mini bottles with belt.

Like fresh urine from a mankini, the novelty accessory is hot, and it's trickling down.