Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Enhanced Performance: Oiling the Squeaky Wheel

Firstly, regarding The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!, I'm pleased to announce that my "curatorial" responsibilities are officially over, for I have now chosen a winner, and communicated with that winner, and communicated with Performance, and given Performance the winner's email address, which means that they can now communicate with each other and I don't have be bothered by either of them ever again. Indeed, choosing the winner was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I've competed in the Singlespeed World Championships and been to Banff, Canada, so that's saying a lot. Generally, though, submissions fell into one of four categories:

Abject Misfortune

These were the stories that were so horrible I found myself frozen with indecision. While I had intended to give the bicycle to a theft victim, these tales also usually included elements such as serious accidents and even kangaroo attacks. I was afraid to choose from among these stories since, if any of them were false, I might deprive someone truly in need. Plus, even if they were all true, it seemed arbitrary to compensate one victim while alienating another, and I also doubted that something as minor as a free Scattante would make the slightest difference in their lives. So ultimately, I elected to disappoint them all.

Obvious Bike Junkies

Just like a real junkie always needs one more hit, a bike junkie always needs one more bicycle, and in either case anybody who's been in "the game" long enough can spot one several kilometers away. The typical bike junkie submission ran along these pathetic lines: "I live in Portland, Oregon. I currently have 7.5 bikes. (Still waiting on an eBay auction to end so I can finish my monstercross build.) Two weeks ago when leaving for work I noticed the tire on my winter commuter was flat. Running late, I borrowed my wife's cyclocross pit bike instead, which was subsequently stolen. I then gave my wife my winter commuter to replace it, so I now need a new one so I'm not forced to use my summer commuter instead. (It's an early 90s Richard Sachs road frame I relegated to commuting duty when I noticed slight wheel rub marks inside the chainstay.)" I excluded these immediately.

People Who Almost Nailed It But Then Inadvertently Insulted Me Somehow

Generally these people probably deserved a free Scattante but then they admitted that they didn't really care for my blog, or else revealed they would use the bicycle in an irresponsible manner of which they mistakenly thought I would approve. In the words of a famous television character, "No soup for you!"

People With Straightforward Stories Who I Liked And Who Really Deserved It

Having extirpated the above submissions, I was left with a relatively manageable number of people who could honestly use this bike, and whose bikes had been stolen despite their having taken every precaution against it. Of these, one tale particular appealed to me for its humor, simplicity, and apparent honesty. It came from a high school senior in Santa Fe, NM named Sergio Gonzales. Sergio has no car, and he had been getting around town on an old road bicycle he built up himself. He used his bicycle for errands, commuting, and recreation--until it was was stolen when a thief cut through the bike rack at school. I suspected I had found my Steven Koren, and so after much soul searching (by "soul searching" I mean watching TV) I decided to award him the bike.

Subsequently, I've gotten to know more about Sergio, and it turns out he wants to be a doctor. "Ultimately," he says, "I want work in rural areas, possibly on reservations or underdeveloped countries, as a family practitioner." This strikes me as an admirable goal, and I only hope this Scattante serves him well as a metaphorical gap bike as he goes on to attain the metaphorical Serotta of his dreams. Of course, it is possible that Sergio is actually a 39-year old bike junkie, and he's just tricked me out of a free bike, but at this point that's Performance's problem. I prefer to think that Sergio Gonzales will win a Nobel Prize one day, and when he delivers his acceptance speech he will dedicate it to me. Giving is the greatest gift of all--as long as you get something back.

In all sincerity, thanks very much to everybody who submitted, and I only wish I had more bikes to give. Unfortunately though, I don't, and you can and should blame Performance for that. Anyway, in the world of cycling there's always a contest going on somewhere, and instead of giving up hope you should just brush yourself off and enter another one. For example, I noticed recently on Twitter that Bicycling magazine is giving away a trip to Italy to participate in the Eddy Merckx Granfondo (a granfondo is like a regular fondo, only grander):


If you're serious about winning you shouldn't wait to enter, because I hear they've already received some compelling submissions. Here's one in pictogram form from someone who only identified himself as "MC:"

1)



2)

3)




4)



5)



6)



7)



If I'm reading that correctly, it means that someone who may or may not be Mario Cipollini uses olive oil to style his hair with a knife-shaped comb, wrestles scantily-clad ladies in it, and pours it all over his pasta, but does not use it for "male enhancement." It hardly bears repeating, but nobody knows oil like Cipo.

Also, speaking of stolen bikes, a reader recently alerted me to the fact that a "brakeless bike bandit" has stolen a famous fixed-gear in Seattle:


Brakeless Bike Bandit: A San Diego man vacationing in Seattle reported his bike was stolen at Harvard Av E E Roy S on January 23rd. This, of course, was no ordinary bike. The man's bike, according to the police report, was apromotional bike used in the filming of "Death Pedal," a movie about fixies. The police report says the bike is purple with the words Death Pedal written in yellow along the side of the frame. The report does not indicate whether the stolen bike had brakes.

This is a huge blow to the world of fixed-gear freestyling, and I'm sure the police are working around the clock to restore the "Death Pedal" bike to its owner, regardless of overtime costs. After all, it is absolutely essential to the "sport" (I love it when they call fixed-gear freestyle a sport--it's like when Urban Outfitters calls a Republic a bike) that the constant stream of fixed-gear videos continues uninterrupted, for if it stops even momentarily attention will wander elsewhere, never to return. Sure, the designer flannel set is still poring over videos of "Midwest Mayhem" like it's the Zapruder film, but eventually even they will start to notice how unimpressive it is, and all it takes is one BMX video to make them all defect. For this reason, the architects of the scene continue to labor increasingly over new videos, and as you may have seen on sites such as streetwear enthusiast and fixed-gear impresario Prolly's blog the long-awaited New York City contribution to the canon, "Empire," is supposedly about to "drop." Here's the latest trailer:



Even "aggressive" cycling in the city is really just, well, cycling in the city, and to me it's about as thrilling as watching somebody "aggressively" clean up a beverage spill with a roll of paper towels. As usual, the attitude of the film comes almost entirely from the soundtrack, and in this case it's the Cro-Mags, a band chosen to evoke the gritty New York of the 1980s. To me, though, the inclusion of the Cro-Mags only goes to underscore how non-gritty this whole business of riding around in the latest fashions is ("Look! He's not using a bike lane even though an ample one has been provided by the city! That's crazy!"), and I really think they should have gone with more appropriate music. More fitting soundtracks include:




To me, all of these scores worked much better than the Cro-Mags, but they still weren't perfect. Finally, though, I found a score that was. It has everything: a fast tempo that matches the high cadence fixie-spinning; a nod to "alternative" popular culture; and, most importantly, wacky sound-effects that coax out the latent comedy inherent in the film.


Now that's more enhancing than an olive oil injection. The video may require a shot of music, but the song stands quite erect by itself.

124 comments:

g said...

first!

g said...

I am a golden god!

Anonymous said...

Second!

poole said...

top 10 yahoooooooo

Salty Seattle said...

YES!

Salty Seattle said...

YES!

Ronsonic said...

Top Ten!!!!11

Salty Seattle said...

OH GOD, THANK YOU EVERYONE!

poole said...

or third, since one guy has two spots on the podium...

Paul said...

I have been out-sprinted - again.

thegock said...

so close

Paul said...

I have been out-sprinted - again.

streepo said...

I wish I could hit Norman Mailer in the head with a hammer

Anonymous said...

I want to have Mark Cavendish child.

mikeweb said...

G as in 'Go'

poole said...

Re "Empire: The Redub"

Never have I enjoyed a freestyle video so much, in fact at all, until this...

bravo- a new career in film music direction awaits you.

g said...

Mikeweb,
it's pronounced "g", but thanks

g

Disgruntl Ed. said...

emal?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

I don't have be bothered by emal, but these things be bother me.

Adam said...

I spotted a fender on a fixie in Empire -- thought those were verboten.

leroy said...

You know, calling the contest submissions "emal" makes a lot of sense.

mander said...

The Buckley x Chomsky collabo dub made for strangely compelling viewing.

Ronsonic said...

Snob, you found the perfect musical collabo for Empire.

Just love how that video begins by giving a foretaste of the excitement to come. Nothing is more evocative of the risk-taking adventuresome life of the urban fixster like riding along in the blind spot of a nun-wagon; Perfectly boring but with the possibility of sudden death. Yeah, that's for me.

Congrats on finding a new home for your scat. One that welcomes it, even.

grog said...

You didn't arrange to put your signature on the Scat?
Nonfondo.

Blaiser said...

I snossed, I lost...

mikeweb said...

Happy belated b-day to hillbilly.

a lot of Cipollini references lately... I guess that material almost writes itself.

Brian said...

That Empire trailer was about as interesting as watching a video of a group coffee ride.

Also, how can they seriously use a Cro Mags song for that when John Joseph is in total nu fred mode, training for a triathlon in full Saxo Bank kit?

youaretheengine said...

More Weird Al. Fewer wheelies.

ringcycles said...

Thai olive oil injected misshaped member!?!. I think I broke a rib on that tidbit.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

3. brush yourself off an enter another one.

Yay Sergio.

Anonymous said...

Re: Yesterday's Joe Satriani links. About twenty years ago I lived in the same San Francisco neighborhood as "Satch." Back then the scuttlebutt was that he was stealing riffs that his students had come up with.
I think the total lack of soul or emotional impact in his music is probably an accurate reflection of his inner life.

Anonymous said...

TOP 40!

john said...

I been to NYc a couple of times.How comes no one ever films/rides going round the round-about up near central park?better than straight lines me thinks...

Prolly said...

Too fucking good man. The Japanese also inject Saline into their faces and private parts.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Lha5ZA1hS0A/Svhvh9KA9sI/AAAAAAAAAZg/zYr5KxxFDs8/s400/Weird_Body_Modification_In_Japan__1.jpg

hillbilly said...

Nailed In ?

hillbilly said...

thanks mikeweb!!!

xyxax said...

snowbrow!

Anonymous said...

i like this music best...
http://bennyhillifier.com/?id=PIYCcKc_BDk

Anonymous said...

epic post. Would have been good to see the fixster who ran the red light get plowed by a bus. that would "fix" him.

PhilboydStunge said...

Orale Sergio! Let's hear it for the City Different!

Fierce Panties said...

Congrats on the win Sergio!

Astroluc said...

Weird Al's "Alternative Polka" has never been done more justice than it was here, this day... not even in Transformers the Movie (Animated; 1986 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092106/ ) when "Dare To Be Stupid" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABGOXvERUiA was used can come close to this sublime perfection.

mikeweb said...

I like the idea of the Scat going to Sante Fe.

I visited there about 11 years ago and enjoyed it. We camped at about 10K feet up in the Sangre de Cristos, then after getting sick of the daily rain storms up there, de-camped for Bandelier and kept our eyes peeled for rattle snakes.

Billy Reid said...

midwest mayhem was OFF THE HOOK. Those playas know how to throw down some cruising around a skatepark. I've seen more impressive tricks on a Razer scooter.

db said...

I cannot get the "retro" approach to load, but I sure hope like hell that it's this one.

The sequel will have a P-far, no?

Fierce Panties said...

Hey hipster, get your own culture. Everyday that these candy colored clowns borrow from the 80's is another day lost that could be used to create something new.

Not-Probably must know that the fixed gear riders of the Cro-Mag period were not the same species of douche bags found on the streets today.

These neo-posers are living in the past, a borrowed past. Their hey-day in now and this is their sad loser culture.

db said...

Apologies to anon 1:39, I missed that before making my post.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Polka medleys are the soundtrack of my life!!!!

ervgopwr said...

I read for the written with, can't get enough of the Cipo humor, and stay for the dubs.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, I thought the death pedal trailer was entertaining.

CommieCanuck said...

"MC" is awesome, I choose option #4, because that has to be better than licking cipo's hair.

Anonymous said...

Santa Fe, alright.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
all chromed

Sarcastic Nephew said...

While medicine is a fine career choice Sergio, you should also give serious thought to becoming an architect...

Test Tickle said...

the idiot at :53 in the original video really needs to get hit by an auto. no wonder so many motorists hate cyclists. what a...

FUCK FACE

thanks for making it more unsafe for the rest of us...

DICK HEAD

balls.

Test Tickle said...

oh, and thanks for using the Cro-Mags for your Pepsi-ized fixie commercial...

SELL OUTS

NYCHC (using one hand and all 5 digits, mind you)

balls.

Coastiedouche said...

How dare these poseurs use the Cro Mags to add street cred to their pathetic trend. Cro Mags are the epitome of legit street cred.Every one knows they're the real deal while fixie poseurs are the two wheeled equivalent of Sum 41 or Good Charlotte.You wanna see why motorists hate cyclists?watch a fixie and their total disregard for anything other than themselves.This trend cant die fast enough.

luciferyellow said...

What Brian (12:59) said...

If anything, "Malfunction" would have been the way more appropriate Cro-Mags song.
But your dub clearly beats any of those inferior choices.

On a non-music related note: I commute to work on a bike, and even though it's not through the urban jungle that NYC is, it's often dangerous enough when dealing with drivers who don't pay attention or just don't care (I mean, "why ARE bikes allowed on the street?"). Yet still, I also drive a car often enough to get enraged by salmoning lightless riders and other related idiots that only reinforce the public's bad perception of cyclists. But I guess it's OK if only you shoot a cool video of it (and add some nice music).

Ah well, preaching to the choir I guess

Anonymous said...

that fixed gear video is the straw breaking the camels back. I will now purchase a cheap road bike equipped with 36 spoke HD rims and proceed to step 2. When faggot dickhead punk ass bitch hipsters riding fixed gear without brakes trys to jump on for a draft, I will lock up the brakes so the jackass either runs of the road, runs into me, or swerves into traffic and is run over

jane's mom said...

Sergio ?

Jane says,
I'm done with Sergio

i think he's a bike pusher/junkie

jose said...

do you know canadiens pour their milk out of a bag ?

weird, milk bags.

Bad Lawyer said...

Great March, Bicycling column, Snob.

Anonymous said...

XTRP ATED

Anonymous said...

Misappropriation of Cro-Mags songs deserves to be punished, preferably by Harley Flanagan himself.

CommieCanuck said...

jose said...

do you know canadiens pour their milk out of a bag ?

weird, milk bags.


This is a third world socialist society, we can only dream of drinking milk from an opaque box. This is why we can never find our missing kids.

A few more years of Obama, and you'll all be drinking from bags. It's part of the liberal agenda.

Coastiedouche said...

Perhaps The next BSNYC contest should be about how we can discourage these Nu Fred poseurs from getting on their bikes and further ruining the fragile motorist /cyclist relationship.I commute every day in L.A and purposely try to ride with some sence of respect for the road.Oh yeah Ive also been a bike messenger and never ridden that much like an asshole.

Anonymous said...

That brought a tear to my one good eye! (The guy that got his bike stolen that wants to be a doctor, not the bad news about injecting olive oil in one's manhood. Though that did make me wince uncomfortably.)

Salty Seattle said...

..uh,...yeah.. So,.. I tripped on the podium finish. I was never good at fist-pumping on a bike.

Gonna kiss a little Snobbie and Prolly ass for a second. Thanks guys, for making my day. Oh yes, you did.

Not goin' to hate on the style points, as young dudes (or young looking dudes) are cute no matter what they're wearing. The Cro-mags just add that friendly, warm touch that makes me...uh...interested.

Salty Seattle said...

BTW-

Milk Bags?

Is that more boy-talk? Cuz that's just icky..

aprilstarchild said...

The Weird Al music was perfect. Awesome.

Dave said...

Top 85!

hardcore harry said...

i generally prefer soft rock when i'm palping my fixed gear bicycle, maybe some bread or carpenters(or if i'm feeling tough coldplay).

samh said...

Weird Al would be proud.

Anonymous said...

Last night, I slapped around my wife's milk bags, and we weren't even in Canada.

Anonymous said...

Curse you Snob, I'm at work and can't be playing alternative sound tracks through speakers or people will know I'm fucking off and not laboring diligently away. I'll have to wait until I get home. I was imagining Benny Hill, which has the effect of improving any video (works great with Saving Private Ryan!), but gather that it's polka instead.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

My 9 yo son was laughing like crazy in his room the other day. I asked him what was so funny. He was watching Weird Al videos on You Tube. Weird Al entertains all! And he makes perfect background music for dipshits rocking fixed gears.

Anonymous said...

So the bike goes to NM! Wooohoo! Hey, if you want, I can go up and check on this guy and his story. I won't do anything creepy...I'll just observe, quiet-like, you know?

Anonymous said...

huh, couldn't get the weird al version to load.
:-(

Test Tickle said...

Hi. I don't normally leave comments but wanted to say thanks for the information. I write a blog too, although I don't write as good as you ... because I write about f'ing chainsaws....

You sir, are a...

TOOL BAGG

balls.

edom bin necker said...

well fuck

for years they been saying us rednecks is ignorent so me and rikim goes up to the pubic libary most ever day to get some news off the internets when the libary lady is watching us when she aint we hits the porn like a trout hits my lure come springtime

now obammer is telling us we is bad peeple if we read the news

like i say

just fuck make up yor mind you yankee assholes

Fierce Panties said...

anon550
I wouldn't recommend driving to Santa Fe to check on any high school students. Your story is starting to smell like teen spirit.

I don't even feel comfortable with Sergio reading BSNYC. I guess I really am getting old.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

I don't think I've seen so many dorky assholes in one place since high school. That was a long time ago, too.

Great job on the soundtrack remodel, Snob.

Corey said...

Is that FIN image with the hand and the ants from Luis Buñuel's Un Chien Andalou? Certainly looks to be from a Buñuel flick. Nice.

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cyclotourist said...

Dear Sergio, please stop your new Scat-bike at all red stop lights. The people driving the two ton cars tend to hate us fellow cyclists when they see us do otherwise.
Cheers,
Cyclotourist

Jay said...

I stop at red lights, and I also wear a helmet when I ride.

leroy said...

Dear Anon 7:41 PM --

Mary Baker Eddy called.

She suggests marketing a popsicle stick and two rubber bands.

And pray that it works.

leroy said...

And congratulations Sergio!

LBCPhoto said...

I am so angry that they Soiled a Cro-Mags song to that shit.

Meh Patrol said...

Death Patrol's logo is a barely modified Dead Kennedys logo?
Sheesh.

When I was that age I didn't wanna imitate doo-wop greasers or beatniks, why are youth hanging on to 30-year-old aesthetic?

Okay, maybe beatniks.

Anonymous said...

dear Bicycle Snob New York City;

i live here in minneapolis and i ride a bicycles. this saterday i will be racing my uni-gear bicycle in the stupor bowl race number x111. i would liek to invite you to come and ride your bicycle in it because it would be fun.
i would let you stay at my house but my mom said i cant let let you because internet celebrities are sad people
.
last year it was 35 degreef farenheit and all the out of towners diddnt have the disadvantage we denizens of the quasi tundra have. it snwoed yesterday and i was upset because it was a good snow that would have been aporpiate for saturday.
also. i have to bike in the snow and then it wasnt snow last year and so it wasnt fair.

please come and race your bicycle on saturday because it will be very fun. i love you have fun!
p.s. there will be a vegan super bowl party sunday we can go to.

Anonymous said...

riding in traffic is WILD!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

what is it about these touching cars and buses when they pass them? I mean not hang on them jiust this short clap or whatever...

Is it some sort of erotical thing or a thing you have to do in this scene, like make trackstand for at leat 30sek to be allowed to buy a shirt as seen here:
http://www.cicli-berlinetta.de/

Or is it helping by givin up smoking?

Anonymous said...

MILK BAGS

Anonymous said...

I thought olive oil was popeyes girl friend.

ant1 said...

good news people, the fun does not have to stop:
linky link

ant1 said...

oh, while i'm at it:

ant100th!

Loren said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMFG. All hail RTMS. All hail Weird Al.

SD friend said...

testing

Anonymous said...

I have GREAT RESPECT for the hipster in the Empire teaser who, while pulling a multi-block wheely, at about 1:15 decided to signal he was changing lanes to the left. Good on ya! Pulling AMAZING stunts and following the rules of the road too.

I was disappointed he didn't actually change lanes though. I guess he changed his mind but I'm sure it was confusing for the motorists.

(Some might think he was just trying to balance, but - that can't be right).

Anonymous said...

about the empire vid...one word: dart

Anonymous said...

Loser baby pure gold.

Anonymous said...

any other way to see those dubs? It is loading and loading & nothin happens...cry cry cry

SD friend said...

testing

(Introverted Horror) said...

Good use of Weird Al's "Alternative Polka". Has anyone involved with making the empire video ever watched a props video (20inch bmx/freestyle)? Wow..I'm pedaling with no brakes through traffic, big deal! The last clip was someone jumping a hip jump, insane! Next time throw in a double tailwhip or something.

RK said...

what's so hard about being in Banff?

johnson said...

From a personal experience I've tried a lot of the pills that are out there for getting it hard. Most of the natural products I tried were crap but one worked for me and I've been using it ever since. It's called Virection.

Rudy said...

Finally something I don’t have to remember to take exactly 5 or 4 hours before having sex. I started taking Virection everyday with the rest of my vitamins, and now everything is ready to go all the time and anytime.

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