The Indignity of Winter: Sights Repulsive and Glorious

One of the most rewarding aspects of maintaining a humorous (or ostensibly humorous) cycling blog is that even people who know me in "real life" think of me when they see disgusting bicycle-related things. Not only that, but they also take the time to photograph those things for me. So you can imagine how much pleasure I felt when one of the first items I saw upon checking my email this morning was this saddle, which is covered in what appears to be tuna:

("Bella Gella?" Or "Bella Tuna?")

As rewarding as it is to know that you're the first thing someone thinks of when they see a bike seat covered with masticated tuna, this was very nearly enough to cause me to relapse into the illness with which I began the week. Speaking of that illness, I am feeling much better now, but please don't tell that to the people who continue to send me inspirational "get well" cards. In addition to Erik K's heartfelt sentiment, I've now received this one from the proprietor of the "Old Ten Speed Gallery:"
As you can see, I have rendered the image "safe or work" via the addition of a pair of giant cockles. If you would like to see the original either because you don't work, or you work at home, or your workplace is amenable to the perusal of images of naked people testing the structural integrity of their bike racks, it is here. (Just kidding. Actually, it's here.) By the way, if you're expecting any lewd puns about cockles, or clams, or even tuna on saddles, I'm sorry to tell you you're reading the wrong blog and you're simply not going to find them here. (You will, however, be able to find them on my new website, "wethothilariousbikesexpuns.org," just as soon as that $1.6 million in venture capital comes through.)

In any case, having recovered to the point where traveling by bicycle is now possible again, I was "palping" my Scattante (that is not a pun) to the WHHBSP loft space this morning to see how our new office space is coming along when I found myself longing for warm breezes--as are many other cyclists, according to this post on the New York Times "Spokes" blog, which also mentioned road salt:

In any discussion of cycling in winter, it is inevitable that the subject of "component-eating road salt" will come up. Yes, winter and road salt go together like cockles and clams, or like saddles and tuna, and whether the publication is the New York Times, or Bicycling, or VeloNews, you will eventually find some mention of how it is essential to clean your bike constantly during the winter lest road salt dissolve it like a glass of tap water dissolves a tablet of Alka-Seltzer, or like the Tour de France dissolves Cadel Evans's resolve.

Frankly, I think this fear of road salt is excessive--especially when it comes to commuter bikes. Sure, you might want to protect your dentist bike from the worst conditions, but if you're worried about road salt damage to your commuter bike then your commuter bike isn't crappy enough. Also, perhaps we use some kind of "woosie" road salt here in New York City, but I consider cleaning my commuter bike during the winter a craven act of capitulation, and when I finally do give it its annual rinse sometime in the spring the bike is still there and it looks pretty much the way it did the last time I saw it back in late November--which is admittedly crappy, but really no crappier for having been packed in salt like a baccalau. I mean, I know the stuff is bad, but I don't think it's as dangerous as they say--especially if you have bike that is strong like Russian bear:


Still, it would be nice not to have to think about cold or road salt at all, and the post went on to recommend a trip to Morocco:

To me, "the rub" with regard to a trip to Morocco is not so much the $300 it could cost to fly with my bike as it is the cost of the entire rest of the trip. If you really want to go to Morocco and the only thing stopping you is the $300 bike fee then just leave the bike at home and figure something out when you get there. Then again, I just checked the Morocco Craigslist, and unfortunately there are no bicycles for sale there at the moment.

Before reading this post I had absolutely no intention of visiting Morocco, but by now I was irritated that I couldn't go, and thanks to the Times my trip home from the WHHBSP will only feel that much colder. Not only that, but as if to rub salt in my components, the post also offered a sorry "plan B," which was to head to the "Hipster vs. Hasidim" bike lane debate in Williamsburg on January 25th:

I'm glad to see that things have moved past threats of naked bike rides and into the realm of discourse, though Pete's Candy Store is a "hipster" stronghold and not exactly neutral territory. It's sort of like the Olympic water polo team challenging the "Milwaukee 11" to a match in a swimming pool. Still, I suppose it's a good sign, though I will be nowhere near it, for fear that David Byrne or some other member of the "cultural elite" might drop in and use the controversy as an opportunity to expound on all that is wrong with the world. Anyway, it's quite a choice the Times is presenting: Go to Morocco, or stay here and argue with the Jews.

In any case, while I may seem cavalier about road salt damage and the state of our bike lanes, that doesn't mean I'm not making provisions--at least for the former. In the unlikely event that my bicycle does fall apart I have already picked out a possible replacement in the form of this "Cicco" (which I assume is pronounced "Chico"):




New Cicco 54 cm frame fork and Ultegra grouppo (Battery Park)
Date: 2010-01-13, 7:13PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Brand new Never used or build up 2002 Cicco Allumino fame and fork with an Shimano Ultegra 9 speed grouppo full set

Frame is Aluminum with carbon set stay and fork 54 cm
Cicco Challenger Allumino

Crank Set 39-53 (172.5 mm)
9 speed chain
Cassette (12-23)
Brake Shifters (STI)
Break Calipers
Front Derailleur
Rear Derailleur
Head Set
Bottom Bracket (Italian Threaded)
Front hub and Read (36 holes)
All new in box

I'm in lower Manhattan
Dont make me put this on eBay

Make your best offer

As much as I've always longed to own a genuine Chico, I suspect flim-flammery as the bicycle pictured is clearly a Ciöcc--which looks like it should be pronounced "Crotch" but which the cycling cognoscenti know is actually pronounced "Cockle." Falling victim to such a scam would be almost as regrettable as the theft of a Softride:

black SOFTRIDE bike stolen (East Village)
Date: 2010-01-13, 8:56PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

my beloved black Softride tri-bike was stolen from my building's basement on 1/12/10.(yes it was locked)
It has Mavic 650c wheels, aero-bars on bullhorn, Planet Bike computer, black cranks, black pedals (toe cages), a single FSA chainring, dura-ace rear derailleur, Selle saddle, Fizik bag, etc., etc.

Look for the Pinhead locks on the hubs and the fact that in order to remove it the thief (s) would have had to snip some front spokes, but they won't have the key to remove the wheel. It also has an attachment on the rear wheel where I clipped my dog's wagon to it to ride with her over the W'burg bridge to work.

Now we're sunk!

PLEASE help me recover this adored bicycle. Any info, any questions, please let me know!

Most regrettable of all, though, is that the theft of this bicycle means I may never get to see somebody using a Softride to tow a dog in a wagon across the Williamsburg Bridge. I implore you if you know anything at all to help reunite this person with his bicycle so that he may tow again. A more glorious sight I cannot imagine.