Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pedal Stroke of Genius: Nonplussed 2.0

Sometimes, life can be complicated, and even a lifetime of reflection can be insufficient to solve some of its mysteries. Other times, it is extremely simple, and its questions can be answered quickly and in few words. In fact, some questions can be so simple that the answer is actually inherent in the question itself. Such is usually the case with the questions posed to VeloNews. Here is an example:

I find myself traveling for work and unable to bring my bike along for the trip. I am currently in the base-mile period for training, is there some other exercise that I can do in place of riding?

The answer of course is that if you're traveling for work and your work does not actually require you to bring a bike along then you are not a professional cyclist. Therefore you do not need to train at all (much less in December) and certainly not while you're working. Does the blacksmith emulate the glassblower? Does the aardvark wonder how he can be more like the honeybee? Of course not. So why then does the accountant or the designer or the corporate consultant seek to ply the trade of another whilst he plies his own?

Of course, the correct answer to the VeloNews question is: "Don't train." Unfortunately, people are often unwilling to accept simple answers because they mistakenly believe that a short answer is an easy one, and that easy things have no value. (This urge to complicate simple things and make easy things hard is why people train in the first place.) Instead, they prefer an answer that involves equipment and formulae, and they want to hear that if they expend a lot of time and effort that would be better used either working or resting from work, six months from now they will have the fitness they need in order to be competitive at the amateur level.

Certainly, we should all aspire to be healthy. After all, our bodies are temples (or, in some cases, shopping malls). However, chasing the elusive state that cyclists refer to as "fitness" is as dangerous as chasing the exudate of the poppy or the creamy filling of the Oreo. Fitness is akin to intoxication, and when you're under its influence what was arduous seems easy and what was painful seems effortless. But like intoxication, it is also fleeting, and attempts to prolong it can ruin your life. One day, you're climbing at the front of the group ride, and the next you're in an Embassy Suites in Cleveland on a business trip, running up and down the stairwell at 4:30am. Indeed, cyclists find the state of fitness so seductive that when they're not actually pursuing it they're watching videos like this:

PUSH PULL from Landis Fields on Vimeo.

I know a cycling video is going to be unusually profound when it opens with a thought-provoking quote:

Einstein said this concerning the theory of relativity, and people cite it in order to evoke the inspirational and meditative nature of cycling. I don't take it that way, though. Albert Einstein was a really smart guy--so smart that his name is both a sincere synonym for "genius" (as in "Harvard at 14? Wow, that kid's a regular Einstein!") as well as a sarcastic one (as in "How the hell did you manage to u-lock your bike to your pants, Einstein?"). So while Einstein may have thought of the theory of relativity on his bike, I'm sure he had brilliant ideas all the time, and he could just as easily have thought of it while showering, sweeping, cleaning his ears, juggling, or using a Cuisinart. Anyway, here's a picture of Einstein doing his own timid version of the Jobst Brandt lean and no doubt about to fire off yet another brilliant idea:

And here's the subject of the video, deep in thought astride his own bicycle and trying to force his helmet straps under his glasses with the sheer power of his mind:


Having summoned all of his strength, the cyclist then pounces from a footstool onto a drafting table like a housecat leaps from the floor onto the counter when he hears the can opener:

Next comes the obligatory worshipful shot of the leg muscles:


Followed by a pensive look, as though he's trying to figure out how many "S"s there are in the word "nonplussed:"

Then, even though he's already on the bike, we see him fastening his shoes:


Meanwhile, he's still trying to figure out how to spell "nonplussed," and he's thinking so hard he's actually broken a sweat:


Finally he just says "Screw it!" and begins pedaling frantically:


The tire is smoking with the friction of a man thrusting himself against the very limits of his spelling ability:


In the end, he is spent and slack-jawed from the effort, and just decides to go with "WTF?" instead:

While some art is based on the presentation, exploration, and subsequent resolution of a theme, this film depicts a gradual building of tension followed by an explosive release. This is an arc very similar to that of going to the bathroom or masturbating, and in the latter sense the film conveys the essence of amateur competitive cycling better than perhaps any other film I've ever seen. Also, the cyclist looks like Bjarne Riis:

(Riis, in the bathroom, pre-explosive release.)

Speaking of bicycle fetishes and Danes, Mikael Colville-Andersen of Copenhagen Cycle Chic is once again the subject of a short film, this one by Streetfilms (the DreamWorks of smugness):



The film is worth watching if only because it depicts a city so insanely bike-friendly that it makes Portland look like a monster truck rally. Here's Colville-Andersen gloating over their pink car-shaped cargo bike parking:

At one point in the video, he also calls what they're doing in Copenhagen "bicycle culture 2.0," and it's worth noting that calling things "[blank] 2.0" is calling things "the new [blank]" 2.0. (For example, white used to be the new black; it's now "black 2.0.") In addition to "bicycle culture," other things currently enjoying their 2.0 phase are of course Lance Armstrong, as well as "biking:"


However, aerodynamic expert Steve Hed--who is so aero that his dimples are teardrop-shaped and his tears have dimples--is nonplused nonpulssed like "WTF!?!"

The irony of someone who makes very expensive carbon fiber racing wheels for people concerned with things like "yaw angle" saying that "Just the basic bike is so hard to beat" aside, I certainly agree with him. In Copenhagen they make cycling easier for people through city planning, but here we prefer to make cycling easier by quite literally trying to take the effort out of cycling. However, it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that crappy streets are still crappy streets regardless of how much electrical assistance you have, and even someone who can't spell "nonplussed" surely realizes that getting hit by an SUV will suck just as badly on a 2.0 bike as it does on the current 1.0 iterations. But why address the actual problems of cycling when you can address the excuses for not cycling instead?

Speaking of which, another popular excuse for not cycling is bike theft, but one person may have that one licked and is proposing that thieves only steal "from rich people or from assholes:"



this was my bike, it was stolen (lorimer & metropolitan)
Date: 2009-12-14, 11:38PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

this was my bike.
i rode over the bridge every morning to work.
i owned it for 3 months, and paid 70$ for it.
someone stole it last week, and i can't afford a new one.
now i have to ride the subway and i don't get the exercise and fresh air i need to live.
bike thieves are scum.
bike thieves ruined my day, my week, my month.
i want my bike back.
thieves should steal from rich people or from assholes.
not poor people who need their bikes to get around.
screw you bike thieves, i hate you.
i want my bike back.
if you have a bike you don't need, email me, cos i need one.
god bless eveyone who is not a bike thief.


But what happens when the Einsteins at M.I.T. release "Asshole 2.0?"

110 comments:

Klaus Mohn said...

Frist!

Klaus Mohn said...

Sodium.

samh said...

Hmm.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

top ten!

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

second day in a row I got snookered.

Unknown said...

asshole 2.0 is right

OBA said...

Fodder

streepo said...

keee-rassh!!!

Sven da Minnesotan said...

Ja, ja, I dedicate this high finish to Al Franken.

Anonymous said...

Snob--you regularly hear from the commentariat that this or that post was wonderful when I think to myself, meh--not that you aren't frequently pitch perfect. This was one of those posts, perfect!

marypoppins said...

thanks bike snob x

leroy said...

Whew, sorry I'm late.

I heard there was an outdoor concert this weekend in Williamsburg by the Insane Clown Posse, but I couldn't find it.

Then I U-Locked my bike to my pants.

Did I miss anything?

Do we have a minyan?

Major Ben Marco said...

"Bike Snob is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."

Now, would anyone like to relax with a nice game of Solitaire?

Klaus Mohn said...

For the record, apart from having a hint of a Danish accent (which roughly translates to "speaking like Lars Ulrich", Mickael is a really nice and personable guy. Gave me some pretty good tips on CPH when I bumped into him at the bike store in Nansensgade (Baisikeli, do-gooding bike rental place, recommended).

Anonymous said...

Good one Snob, not one mention of fixed-gear hipsters anywhere!

hillbilly said...

Is there a way I can become a better admin assistant while racing?

bikesgonewild said...

...i u-locked my bicycle to my electrolux because while i'm no einstein, i did learn yesterday that they're both just tools...

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

Oh the air of pretentiousness when a weenie talks about their "training"... I love it.

It can easily be said that I "train" every morning for the "race" home.

Instead, they prefer an answer that involves equipment and formulae, and they want to hear that if they expend a lot of time and effort that would be better used either working or resting from work, six months from now they will have the fitness they need in order to be competitive at the amateur level.

gold.

AIRG RVNC

next up... feats of strength.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Really tired of seeing pics of crappy bikes in Copenhagen, I have yet to see a helmet, clipless pedals, drop bars or anything remotely suspended. This place looks like a nightmare.

gbawinabt
God bless anyone who is not a bike thief.

mikeweb said...

Dang!

I was too busy training for my job while riding my bike.

But I did come up with a great idea about a dipping sauce for my deep fried Hotpockets.

Isolation Helmet said...

Snob you forget that commuting is a training ride/race. Every commute gets broken down into its essential parts. If you see no one in front of you to pass you are on a training ride and if you see someone you need to pass it is a race.

This then makes travel an important part of training for your commute. You don't want to come home from a business trip and get passed by the guy you blew by two weeks ago.

Anonymous said...

FORM ULAE

Anonymous said...

RACE HOME

This summer, while on a lovely ride from Montreal to Ottawa, I saw a guy in FULL Astana kit eating an ice cream cone while pushing his bike (2.0) onto a ferry to cross the Ottawa River.

At that point, any jokes I could have made would be superfluous. It made my day.

Anonymous said...

@youaretheengine:

Fat man in an aero helmet always makes mine.

Case in point: http://johncobbresearch.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/jeffereson-tri-jc-on-bike.jpg

Surly Bastard said...

"And here's the subject of the video, deep in thought astride his own bicycle and trying to force his helmet straps under his glasses with the sheer power of his mind"

Snob at his snobby best.

Rick said...

Instead of trying to deal with spelling "nonplussed", consider "subtracted" as an alternative?

bike locks said...

Well played good sir, it's too bad the bike was never just a bike and will always be getting "improved"

Anonymous said...

And the Dreamliner flies!!!

nat said...

craigslist posting that is like an Italian movie 2.0. Should be a hollywood remake.

Anonymous said...

Einstein failed Algebra in school and they all said to him,"Nice job Einstein".

Cognorant said...

Hey... I train, and I make no apologies. I don't even race, amateur or otherwise. So there.

I'm training for the aortic bypass.4 that my family history says is headed my way.

Bicycle Thief said...

Bicycle thieves are people too just trying to make a living. I was sad that I ruined anyone's month. I didn't think anyone would cry over that bike longer than the walk home. Sorry.

Stankbot said...

AYHSMB!

All you haters strap my bonts!

Surly Bastard said...

Thanks for more Copenhagen d-bag. I hate that guy. The only good thing about him is his high-heel fetish. Nice to hear he made cycling so popular in the West. I just wonder why he didn't take credit for all the bicycles in China. And how the hell is a stupid bike counting kiosk making cycling more popular? Maybe the bike is popular because it's so popular. Time to play the Red Queen Major Marco.

ringcycles said...

Pete Billington can not be a Pro racer. First of all, his shoes are not even white. A clear sign that he is a weekend hack. And moreover, he has no facial flacidness while doing his efforts. It looks more like he is about to pass a kidney stone. Pub roller derby winner maybe, but certainly not Pro.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather not have bike parking if it means our streets are to cluttered with the massive eyesore of pink-car bike parking units.

Hey, that reminds me-

Q: What would we have if everybody in America drove a pink Lexus?

A: A pink carnation.

ervgopwr said...

Surely every parking-space-taking/cargo-bike-storage would not have to be pink. They could be public art projects doned with cones of smugness and murals of self-importance.

It's still a better use of public right-of-way than private auto storage.

URBN PLNR

sufferist said...

I am working on Me2.0. It seems that Me1.0 is breaking down, decaying and losing it's ability to ride. I think that Me2.0 will be like Me1.0, but in a less bikeway. Me2.0 may be a competitive meditator or hair stylist, still deciding.....although I do really like my naval, so the meditation thing does have an edge....Stay tuned.

ant1 said...

no matter what everyone thinks of the copenhagen cycle chic dude, his site features the best bike-related eye candy around. in all fairness, i do have a penchant(1st) for both european ladies and ladies on bikes.

kale said...

I wonder if Pro cyclists think of how much more drinking, paperwork, and twittering they could be be doing if they just weren't training so much.

Anonymous said...

Mr.. Snob-

Your line "In Copenhagen they make cycling easier for people through city planning, but here we prefer to make cycling easier by quite literally trying to take the effort out of cycling," succinctly addresses the failings of bicycle traffic planning in the States. As it stands now, it appears the bicycle lane design process lacks consultation from anyone who actually rides.

I beg you to put the hipster bashing on the back burner and pursue your true higher calling. Use your gifts to get us better bike routes. It'd be less annoying than Critical Mass.

Anonymous said...

To the person who's bicycle was stolen. Do as I did, walk to week and put away the subway fair until you get to $70 or so. MAybe one month? Then it wheels again!

Velocodger said...

I've been palping eyeglasses seems like all my life, and putting helmet straps UNDER the glasses qualifies as a 'weird style diktat'. My glasses always ride proudly next to my skin. Na!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

The chariot had a flat today. Alack.

-P.P.

honkybucket said...

A nation full of pink lexuses = a pink carnation... Gold!!!

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "high balls are on me!"

sufferist said...

Pontius Pilot:

There are several places that I know of that will offer you a replacement tube in exchange for monetary compensation. Some might even do the labor of the tube replacement for more remuneration. Hit me up for details.

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to have some fun by taking an obtuse interpretation of your comments.

Yours in cyclehood,

Sufferist

Just The Messenger said...

I trained yesterday, I trained today. I'll train just about every day between now and the time of year I start losing amateur bike races. But I'd lose them a lot worse if I didn't train.

Anonymous said...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "give me a beer and a mop."

Anonymous said...

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "hey, why the long face?"

Anonymous said...

Why don't mexican girls like anal?


You can't get pregnant. HEEEEYOOOOH

Fierce Panties said...

God bless the bicycle thief.

murphstahoe said...

he paid $70 for a bike, but now he has to take the subway cuz he can't afford a new bike.

1) How much is a monthly subway pass?

2) If he paid $70, it was probably stolen.

Anonymous said...

"exudate of the poppy" -- yummy wordsmitheristing

Anonymous said...

A baby seal walks into a club.

Salty Seattle said...

I learn so much from you, Snobbie! You always provide some great insights..

Some days, I am the rider, on the rainy, winter day; some days, I am the bicycle.

And some days, I am the shopping-mall store window.

sufferist said...

Cervelo Brian owns a bike, you can tell from his profile image.

Salty Seattle said...

Anon 2:42-

YOU have the power! to improve cycling in your community.

Go to www.bikely.com or www.mapmyride.com. Who knows, maybe someone has already beat you to it!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

it's worth noting that calling things "[blank] 2.0" is calling things "the new [blank]" 2.0.

I am surprised to report that I have no objection to this statement.

As for those fixed gear bikes being light enough to throw over your shoulder, I have heard the same thing said of continental soldiers but I could never quite manage it.

sufferist said...

soldiers and shoulders are similar sounding words

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi said...

Transit sucks in Copenhagen which is part of the reason why cycling became so big. The last tram line shut down in 1972, the first subway opened in 2002. In between it was cars, bikes or buses. The moral then is to make the city great for bikes you need to have no transit, not just the crap we have here now.

sufferist said...

soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders
soldiers shoulders

now both words have lost all meaning...great....

Just The Messenger said...

well I have a frame...

ant1 said...

two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

Anonymous said...

Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

innerlighter said...

Maybe I'm living under a rock or something, but I seem to have completely missed "(everything) 1.1-1.9". Either that, or there's just a surplus of decimal points and zeros.

meh.

Sufferist; What is it about your naval that you like most? The old battleships? Maybe the odd aircraft carrier or two? Might think about getting a Q-tip(2.0 of course) in there once and a while.

sufferist said...

CB-I just needed something else obvious and stupid to say. That's the way I roll.

An acceptable rebuttal would have been to dismiss the association of an image on your profile with actual ownership of the pictured item. Does ant1 own that ant? That would have put me in my place.

Either way, it looks like a sweet ride.

Paul Bowen said...

The tire is smoking with the friction of a man thrusting himself against the very limits of his spelling ability

Kerwalitee!

innerlighter said...

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

ant1 said...

CB and sufferist - it's kinda sad, but in actuality that ant owns me.

sufferist said...

Ant1- Usually people work for the man. You however work for the insect. Hmmm....I am assuming that it is a master/slave kinda arrangement. Does he pay you in sugars and proteins?

Surly Bastard said...

Ant1

While the Copenhagen dude and his pretentious douche-i-ness make me gag I have never had a bad word to say about Cycling Chic. He needs to rock his shoe fetish/beautiful girls on bikes hard and forget about flying the green, sustainability beard.

ant1 said...

sufferist - it's similar to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgkL8PulPdE
but the fungus is a little different. it infects an ant, makes it go up a tree, releases the spores, infects me, but somehow my human dna messed with the way the fungus works. the effect ended up being that i am now highly sensitive to ant pheromones, allowing the ant you see in my profile to influence me with its pheromones. it's not sexual or anything. sometimes i just get the urge to go cut up some leaves and store them under my bed, which i think is phase one of the formic plan.

ant1 said...

surly - agreed. although i was completely unaware of his sustainability side. come to think of it, i'm not sure i've ever read a word on that site.

sufferist said...

Ant1-OK, thank you for the self-disclosure. Good thing that the infection was not like this poor fella: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DStwXsmZ3OE&feature=related

ant1 said...

yeah, that guy's life sucks. his morning wood lasts all day.

Anonymous said...

I agree the landis fields video is pretty similar to pooping and masturbating, I guess that's why they call it Push Pull?

Dr. "I'm not" Galea said...

Sounds like the new exercise for those who don't have time to exercise is blood spinning.

Don't leave Canada without it!

flynn said...

ha dreamworks of smugness

Hilpertongoatsandme said...

Copenhagen kicks your ass :o)

Anonymous said...

'...pre-explosive release'
Now that was funny. Thanks snob

Century Bike said...

Maybe should have pink bikes too

Anonymous said...

A proton walks into a bar. He looks at the bartender and says, "I need a drink! I lost my electron!" The bartender says, "Are you sure?" .... "Positive!"

"I, for one, welcome our new ant masters ..."

Mike McK said...

Einstein may have figured out relativity on his bike, but bike enlightenment is not limited to esoteric things, even for other geniuses.

Bertrand Russell claims to have decided that he didn't love his wife anymore while biking, and that he should demand a divorce.

Never Knows Best said...

A physicist walks into a bar, goes up to the bar tender, and orders ten times the number of drinks being consumed in the room at that instant.

The bar tender rings up his order, and without missing a beat says, "Now there is an order of magnitude."

Salty Seattle said...

"sometimes i just get the urge to go cut up some leaves and store them under my bed"

That made me laugh out loud.

As the master, suddenly your Ant was less cute, but I've had to reconsider my profile pic opinions.

Nope. not putting a pic up though... not until bike shoes are cuter...high-heeled or not.

Never Knows Best said...

Heisenberg is out for a (rather brisk) bike ride (in a school zone) when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

sufferist said...

innerlight-Please excuse my negligence as I did not respond to your comments earlier. My hope is that you will read this, even though it is being posted so late.

The thing that I like best about my naval is that it is connected to the my poop deck.

Thanks.....

kfg said...

Anon 4:31

It takes balls to sing that song.

Unknown said...

Maybe you need to check out what is happening down under...?

http://www.roadgrime.com.au/home/index.php?option=com_smf&Itemid=114&?topic=5107.msg55641;topicseen#new

It's not just pista's... now we're getting off t-cubes

BISOUBISOU said...

IKEA!

innerlighter said...

Sufferist; Thank you for not mentioning anything about 10 inch guns, torpedo tubes,...etc.

Odile Lee said...

I agree on the silliness factor, Snobby but considering how many people die of degenerative disease in our Western world - diabetes, Heart disease, cardiovascular disease, , obesity etc - which are prevented partly by long term, vigorous exercise - I prefer people playing pretend Tour Champ.
And now days, no one needs to rest up from work, unless they are on their feet all day.

Odile Lee said...

But I really hate the dickheads that whiz by me on paths, and sidewalks in full team kit ,with out as much as a whistle until almost knocking frail, small me over in their need to look like the big cycling dork on the town.
They may have professional looking thighs but their attitude is amateur.

Anonymous said...

Anon 5.54.

Maybe it's called Push Pull so you know whether you're coming or going.

Anonymous said...

hi. where's bikesnob buyers guide for this season?

Klaus Mohn said...

right here. Just imagine that all those products are "upgraded" with a carbon wrap this year.

ant1 said...

ant100th!

Klaus Mohn said...

"Crabone wrap", sorry about the typo.

Anonymous said...

can't afford $70 for a bike...are you on welfare!? get off your lazy ass, do some work and buy a new bike instead of crying all day...

Anonymous said...

...or just go out and steal a new one, preferably a nicer than you had. That's what we call "upgrading".

sufferist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sufferist said...

Anon 12/16 10:15 - The course of action that you propose would degrade your soul. You would most likely end up roller-blading as a result and no one wants you to end up there. So please reconsider.

ant1 said...

how about buying a pair of rollerblades to replace the stolen bike?

Never Knows Best said...

The hardest part about roller blading is telling your parents your gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. Just a lot wrong with roller blading.

fretbuzz said...

I'm saving up for an carbon fiber skeleton. Aero, natch.

Descartes walks into a bar. A woman saunters over to him and says, "Buy me a drink, good looking?" Descartes responds, "I think not!", and suddenly ceases to exist.

sean said...

Re: "this was my bike"

When you're feeling like your bike is stuck in second gear/
When a bike thief ruined your day, your week, your month, or even your year/
I'll be there for you!

Unknown said...

Up the ante, execute the losers at bike races. No more 'pretender' road racers. Execute the losers, gladiator-style.

MSz said...

Cheap.
Missed the essence.
Try to work on your style a bit more - or is it that you are trying to "ply the trade of another whilst he plies his own". Thought so.
Next.

Unknown said...

Just a quick remark about Copenhagen and the Danes (I am danish and have been leaving in the capital for 5 years). People should know that a very important reason why we have so many bikes, it is because people can't afford a car. We aren't treehuggers or better than the rest of the world, it is simply to expensive to own a car in Danmark (180% sales tax on cars).