Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The New Spin: From Fixed to Broken

If you're a "serious" cyclist (meaning you don't enjoy it), you are aware that we are currently in a period called the "off season." This is a crucial time in which industrious cycling squirrels collect their nuts of fitness and technique, which they then crack open in May and use to not beat their competitors. It's also a time to ride a bicycle that they enjoy even less than the one they ride during the regular season. Cyclists are eternally searching for the bike equivalent of those Reebok ass-toning sneakers. Like a delusional religious sect, they believe that somewhere there is a magical bike, and that simply touching it is the equivalent of riding a thousand miles on a thousand Colnagos while "palping" an EPO suppository.

Until recently, that magical bike used to be the fixed-gear bicycle. For years, the "serious" cyclist would spend the winter "training" on a converted road bike, thus reaping the improved spin, fluid pedal stroke, increased stamina, restored virility, male pattern baldness reversal, and assorted other benefits that supposedly came with it. But then, the fixed-gear fad happened. Suddenly, "serious" cyclists could no longer reason that they were partaking of some secret training knowledge that had been handed down from pro to pro for generations; nor could they reconcile the fact that all these new fixed-gear cyclists weren't somehow becoming superhuman cyclists even after prolonged contact with the fixed-gear drivetrain. Thus, they abandoned this practice and left it to the plebes, but not before totally laying waste to its credibility like a thatched hut in a Vietnam Zippo raid:

This is truly a shocking reversal. Once an essential training tool, the fixed-gear bicycle now has "no place in a serious road cyclist's training routine," and it's been relegated to the scrap heap along with toe clips, downtube shifters, and smiling. Not only is the fixed-gear bicycle no longer helpful in building fitness, but it's actually the very antithesis of riding a bicycle, since "Your muscles aren't required to act." This might come as news to you if you've ever pedaled one up a hill or even along a flat surface, but then you're probably not a "serious" cyclist. What the "hipsters" are mistaking for "Zen" is in fact sloppy inefficiency. "You can keep your little toys," says the roadie. "We're moving on."

So what is the new fixed-gear (or ass-toning sneaker) in the roadie cosmology? No, it's not the single speed mountain bike. Chris Carmichael tried pushing that one a few years ago, but it never caught on with the roadies. (Rumor has it that a few tried it, but they either had fun or died, and in either case they were never heard from again.) The new roadie secret training weapon is the totally fun-proof PowerCrank:


If you're unfamiliar with PowerCranks, they're basically regular cranks that are broken, and for the small price of your cycling enjoyment (and $900) they may give you a slight advantage over your Cat 4 adversaries if you use them correctly. They will also teach "your muscles to fire in absolute perfection and coordination," which is a sensation of orgasmic bliss that makes that whole fixed-gear zen thing feel like a middle school dry-hump in corduroys.

PowerCranks have been around for a long time, but now that there's an actual roadie edict to abandon fixed-gears and take up PowerCranks the results will surely be profound. Of course, when I say "results" I don't mean race results--nobody will notice a bunch of club racers placing in the high-50s instead of the mid-50s. No, the real effects will be felt in the world of "urban" cycling. Until now, the fixed-gear rider could enjoy that naughty feeling that he or she had stolen something from the roadies and was "pissing them off." Now, though, it's as though the sibling has said, "I don't want this toy anymore, take it," or the parent has said, "Wanna smoke? Here's a carton, and don't leave the closet until you've finished it." In either case, the fixed-gear is bound to lose what little mystique it still has--until they themselves move on to PowerCranks, PowerCranks become the new fixed-gear, people wax philosophical about how their "muscles fire in absolute perfection and coordination" when they ride their PowerCrank bike to the bar, and the cycle begins anew. (At that point, roadies will take up the dandy horse.)

But as roadies chase the dragon of fitness, and urban cyclists chase the dragon of cool, and PowerCranks become "Fixed-Gear 2.0," it's important to remember the real victims--the fixed-gear bicycles themselves. Who will ride them? (Well, apart from track racers, but not only are they small in number, but they're also just weird--like triathlete weird.) Unfortunately, the answer to that question may be "nobody." Even now it appears that people are getting off fixed-gears faster than a helmet thread gets off-topic. A reader even informs me that some fixed-gear owners are now preserving their bikes and trying to rent them as props:


BIANCHI Pista Concept Available for Photoshoots, Movies etc... (Beverly Hills)
Date: 2009-12-19, 8:28PM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

I am offering my newly built 2008 model Bianchi Pista Concept for rent. This is the most desireable Fixed Gear bike out there! Everything on the bike was custom built. It is in immaculate condition. After i completed building the bike i decided id rather not ride it but display it as a piece of art. This bike gets looks and compliments wherever it goes. I am offering the bike for Photoshoots, Movies, Commercials etc... The bike is in working and rideable condition. Please only email me if you would like to further discuss rental opportunitys, I am not interested in selling the bike! ALSO Cinelli Vigorelli available, inquire.

While I feel compelled to point out that neither the mass-produced frame nor the mass-produced components on this bicycle were "custom built," I also think this is a sound business decision and that the seller should continue to build his stable. Thanks to Al Gore and this whole "green" thing there's tremendous pressure on Hollywood studios to put bikes in their movies, so there's almost certainly a big future in bicycle prop rental:

Production Coordinator: "Hi, we're filming a movie and we need a bicycle for the main character. He lives in LA, bit of a douche, breaks up with girls via Twitter, and is really into hats."

Hollywood Bike Rentals: "Say no more, I have a Cinelli Vigorelli that would be perfect."

Production Coordinator: "Great. Actually, it's a buddy comedy, and he's got two friends. One of them's sort of a pretentious fop with an extensive vinyl collection who's really into wine and cheese, and the other's a dorky Zach Galifianakis type who works in IT. He's a virgin and the movie's about his friends trying to get him laid."

Hollywood Bike Rentals: "OK, we'll I've got a Rivendell for the fop, but unfortunately the recumbent's already being used in an episode of 'The Office.' You might try Ed Begley, Jr."

Besides that, there's also the vast world of reality-based television. Another reader recently informed me of a new show (albeit Internet-based) called Pedaling. From what I can tell, it's a "collabo" among Specialized bikes, Capo Forma clothing, and Whole Foods, and it features people riding around and eating:

There's even a Zach Galifianakis type:


I guess the recumbent still wasn't available.

104 comments:

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

Way To Go, I Are Sofa King Rad

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

2?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

3!

Anonymous said...

Podium! Finally!

Anonymous said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

we be to bike blog what key be to lock

mikeweb said...

Top 10 down the chimney?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten again?

Johann S said...

Well well well!!

andy the wannabe triathlete said...

people who post to make it to top 10 are stupid! like me...

Anonymous said...

I was so podium but I was playing with my power crank.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

you can all have the broom... I'm done with it.

Snobby,

relegated to the scrap heap along with toe clips, downtube shifters, and smiling.

no truer words...

and I must not be a cyclist; I actually enjoy it!

BIEK IST!

grog said...

Broken.

Seanywonton said...

Wonton First!

Anonymous said...

I was just readding he Power Crank website, according to the Power Crank folks, this product can help you learn how to pedal in circles!Who would have thought this was possible? Desirable? Advisable?

Unknown said...

peloton dropped me

rezado said...

F S
R M
E O
S K
H E
L D
Y

grog said...

Is there something wrong with having a green thing?

Isolation Helmet said...

I'm putting power cranks on my fixed gear!

Anonymous said...

the dandy is on nice Sidis

Disgruntl Ed. said...

squirrels collects?

Now to read the third sentence.

CommieCanuck said...

It's high time we started seeing bike movies, like Hollywood has exploited the automobile.

Glen Larson Productions is working on a pilot for a new series, FIXITT, which stars a talking black fixie with a red-strobing knog light and an arrogant personality. The bike is ridden by Lewis Black as he fights crimes and bags blond chicks every week.

That guy will make a fortune renting out bikes, because the straw that breaks the camel's back in a $150M James Cameron film is buying a $500 bike.

In no time, someone will be jumping a shark on a fixie.

Since y'all anticipate my comments having links, here's a guy in a GW Bush mask and a thong handing out drinks at a 'cross race.

ervgopwr said...

Tarck bikes at the velodrome aren't weird (not in the tri sense) especially if mo-fo's like Greg Klein race 'em.

Strayhorn said...

If you palp Power Cranks with Bio-pace chainrings, will that double your wattage, or will it quadruple your output?

g said...

"Strayhorn, to answer that we go now to Bobby Julich. Bobby?"
"Uhhhh....?"
"Thanks Bobby. Back to your regularly schedule comments."

toocoolforschool said...

Its good to know that anyone who wants a new single speed just has to look 'in the woods' arround colorado springs.

Fierce Panties said...

Astroluc,
We'll need to check your chammy for EPO suppository goo.

Unknown said...

power cranks on my fixed gear?

hillbilly said...

astrofrickinluc!!

i just sit in my office chair and simulate pedal strokes, that's where it is really at. I'll show you for a few hundred bucks an hour.

ant1 said...

i'd like to see a bike thief steal a bike and attempt to ride off with it before realizing it has power cranks.

Seth Rogen type pothead buddy said...

Oh my God! I saw that article just this morning and I wondered what Snobbie would think about it! I wonder if I was reading it THE SAME TIME that the elusive Snob was!?!?! Dare I dream?...

Test Tickle said...

"We have another word now for LSD or Long Slow Distance. It’s called JM: Junk Miles."

another word for LSD besides fun, fun, fun (and possibly mutated sperm)? i shutter at the thought. why do roadies ruin everything?

"opportunitys" abound.

balls.

Wrench Monkey said...

Were the Power Crank article and today's post a collabo between you and Josh Horowitz? Are you the same person? It all makes so much sense.

bikesgonewild said...

...please !!!...
...i'm trying to get ready for a ride...stop making me smile, dammit...

hillbilly said...

I wanted to go find stuff on Power Cranks website to make fun of, but their website keeps freezing my computer. Dammit, that's not fun!

Anonymous said...

i do think lazer turtles should be thrown in the mix

flynn said...

can someone please explain in 30 words or less what a power crank is? I really don't have the patience to read through that website.

hillbilly said...

flynn - cranks act independently of one another

Jefe said...

Albany, NY is now the stunt double for NYC in Hollywood action movies. Our downtown was tied up this Fall with look-a-likes of The Rock, Samuel Jackson, Will Ferrell, and Matt Damon, crashing cars through buses and landing helicopters. There was a brief scene where a woman drops her bike to avoid a speeding vehicle. I'm sorry to say it was not a fixie and she was wearing something resembling a track suit. So much for movie "hipsterism."

Anonymous said...

So the opening shot of the "Pedaling" video is the exact location where I was mugged at knife point in the middle of a Sunday afternoon in 1989.

Thank God it is now safe enough for a tourist with baby to stand blocking the bike lane in both directions...

bk jimmy said...

"If you plan on racing on a fixed gear then it makes sense to train on one. If you plan on racing on the road, train on your road bike or, even better, do your winter base on PowerCranks."

I love arbitrary logic. Let's switch it around:

If you plan on racing on PowerCranks then it makes sense to train on them. If you plan on racing on the road, train on your road bike or, even better, do your winter base on a fixed gear.

CommieCanuck said...

can someone please explain in 30 words or less what a power crank is?

"If you're unfamiliar with PowerCranks, they're basically regular cranks that are broken"

that's twelve.

Then repeat "bullshit" 18 times.

Nishant said...

do think lazer turtles should be thrown in the mix

Work from home India

ant1 said...

do i have this straight? the problem with regular cranks, whether or not they are attached to a fixed hub, is that they force your feet to move in a perfect circle. power cranks, on the other hand, force your muscle to learn this motion. isn't that like training on a stick shift to get better at racing automatic cars?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Ant1,

It's like hitting yourself because it feels good when you stop.

--RTMS

hillbilly said...

Very well put BK Jimmy. Could also replace "power cranks" with pretty much anything, like, say, bacon.

ant1 said...

snobby - speaking of stopping, what's your posting schedule going to be like ITHST (in these holiday season times)? I'm trying to plan some bike trips but would rather not miss any podium races (a comments racer has no off season).

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hillbilly, I had a crankset made entirely out of bacon. Regrettably, it proved to be neither vertically stiff nor laterally compliant, but fat chicks followed me wherever I rode. In fact, as a result of this episode, some still call me "the other white meat."

CommieCanuck said...

WIWM...You should have used apple smoked bacon, it's much stiffer.

Just avoid the ground-up pig lips and assholes left out in the sun for three days that we sell to tourists as "Canadian" bacon.

hillbilly said...

aaahh, YOU'RE the other white meat......

looks like a black and white cookie:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=180445880735&Category=159089&_trkparms=algo%3DLVI%26its%3DI%26otn%3D2#ht_500wt_1066

Wayne said...

I can't believe no one has pointed this out, but the power cranks website asks, and I quote,

"Don't believe there as good as we say? Here are some actual user stories."

In the sidebar on the right. There, their and they're is pretty tricky, I must say.

Wayne said...

Also, they claim:

"Users have reported to us that they have seen improvement in problems associated with erectile dysfunction. Don't laugh, there really is a theoretical explanation."

So this is the cycling equivalent of penis pill spam. Sign me up!

Shram said...

so what you're saying Snob, is that the fixed gear apocalypse is upon us? Seems that way. Darn, I should have sold my p.o.s. schwinn conversion for $300 back when I had the chance.

The question is, has the Snob set himself up well enough to avoid jumping the shark along with the FG trend? Time will tell.

mikeweb said...

GRMR CRNK

mikeweb said...

Saw this today and I must say I was Bamboozled.

Fred said...

The mother-lode would be to land the bike rental contract for the "green" re-make of Gone in 60 Seconds wherein a Lone Wolf type (played by Steven Segal) rides his sweet Pista ("Lorraine") around the lofts in a gentrified warehouse district stealing poorly locked fixies. The climax alley-cat alone would call for several hundred Schwinn Traveler conversions to crash spectacularly in a mass, symphonic elephant trunk skid.

bk jimmy said...

"Users have reported to us that they have seen improvement in problems associated with erectile dysfunction. Don't laugh, there really is a theoretical explanation."

You could replace PowerCranks with bacon in this equation, too!

Charles said...

Powercrank website......

Order online between now and Christmas and get a free pair of recovery/compression socks.

Unknown said...

For the roadie in winter - all you need is a Computrainer and Power Cranks. And Rotor Q-Rings. And that's it and those are the only things you need when it gets cold outside. And an ashtray. And a paddle game, the Computrainer, the Power Cranks, the Rotor Q-Rings, and that's all you need. And a remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, the Computrainer, the Power Cranks, the Rotor Q-Rings and the remote control, and that's all you need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball and the Computrainer, the Power Cranks, the Rotor Q-Rings. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and the Computrainer, the Power Cranks, the Rotor Q-Rings and that's all you need. You don't need one other thing, not one - but you need this chair and the matches, for sure. And that's all you need. So stop whining and WATCH OUT FOR THE BLACK ICE.

OBA said...

@ ervgopwr

Did you mean Gary Klein, pioneer of big-tubed aluminum frames? 'Cause he is weird. I think Greg Klein was my orthodontist.

bikesgonewild said...

...shram...dude !!!...

...the title at the top sez "bike snob nyc", not "fg arbitrator" or some such nonsense...

...if you've followed this site w/ any regularity, you'll know that bsnyc/rtms is fully capable of disassembling & clipping the loose threads of any & all segments of cycling's rich, broad woven tapestry...

sufferist said...

mikeweb:

I read the comments on the Bamboo site and I find the commenters who frequent this blog are far superior in depth, breadth and wit.

Thank you,

-Sufferist

Fred said...

Couldn't you just take the pins out of a set of cottered cranks to make your own Powercranks?

Where's Sheldon Brown when you need him?

Anonymous said...

After reading this from the PEDALING website, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit:

THE CONCEPT:
This Urban PEDALING series focuses on the city-centric and eco-conscious commuter, the hip fixie pedaler with his underground eateries, and the dedicated female road rider who finds secret cycling gems amidst this concrete mecca. Their adventures will bring us on backdoor visits to prominent local chefs, offer tips on easy bike-snack shopping at organic markets, and weather hours in the saddle to track down a mobile brick pizza oven deep in Brooklyn.

Shram said...

bgw,

I'm sure you've read every post of this blog, as have I, and you must admit that a large number of them have related to the rise and inevitable fall of the FG "culture", the fire-breathing llama of the FG apocalypse, etc., as well as the idea of this blog jumping the shark after the FG trend is over and there's nothing left on which to speculate. Remember, Snob himself has suggested that this will be the case.

I'm just looking back and wondering if he really will fade away, now that the end is nigh. somehow, I doubt it.

Unknown said...

i think, the newest trend during the off season is to collect junk from kid robot.

Udder said...

To get all of your other muscles to fire in "absolute perfection", loosen the bolts on your headset and seat post.

This is a training technique called "Power Spazzing" and was perfected by pioneers such as Ed Grimley.

Salty Seattle said...

I laughed so hard, I accidentally "pooped" my [unnamed performance enhancing substance that I'm not taking.] There goes another wad of cash that would've been better spent on shoes.

And I was really looking forward to a faster performing mini cooper today. Oh well.

Salty Seattle said...

Way to go, Astroluc!

ervgopwr said...

@ OBA

No, I know the difference of the two Kleins.

Greg rides at the SD velodrome with me.

The other guy made bikes? I was only familiar with his telescope work . ;)

Anonymous said...

Their adventures will bring us on backdoor visits to prominent local chefs,

Well, ah, well, um, well. Backdoor visits you say? No wonder this is an Internet series.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 3:44, "backdoor visits to prominent local chefs?" I did not realize that thing was gay porn. Personally, I'd rather not know what's behind door #2, if you know what I mean.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Damn it, anon 4:38. I have GOT to learn to type faster

CommieCanuck said...

This is a training technique called "Power Spazzing" and was perfected by pioneers such as Ed Grimley.

That's Sir Ed Grimley Jr. I hate when people get that wrong, it drives me mental, I must say.

sufferist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sufferist said...

wishiwasmerckx: How else will you know who has the hottest foie gros of the season if you are not sampling from the master chefs private alleyway? I'm sure that's how they do it in France. They will no doubt have to include the "I'm a hipster on a fixie" secret knock which makes any executive chef bolt to service this elite clientele.

CommieCanuck said...

I read the comments on the Bamboo site and I find the commenters who frequent this blog are far superior in depth, breadth and wit.

I respectfully disagree, after one hour of searching, I have not found a single decent bread recipe in the comments section.

STAL BRED

Brittney Murphy (too soon?) said...


Where's Sheldon Brown when you need him?


Still dead.

bikesgonewild said...

...shram...

...while i agree w/ your premise, human nature being what it is, i just think as long as there is a loose thread to pull w/ the chance that it may unravel the whole mess, bsnyc/rtms will wanna keep pulling...

...but hey...i find myself being wrong on a regular basis...

...just sayin'...

Fred said...

I know, Brit, I know. And I'm still really pissed about it.

Fierce Panties said...

One doesn't need to be a pretentious fop to enjoy cheese as much as I do, but it helps.

Anonymous said...

Toolbox: what great name for that piece of idiocy on Pez Cycling. Josh Horowitz is the cliche Cat 1 racer who starts a coaching business... and knows nothing about training or coaching.

flynn said...

ooh so it's a penis pump

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sufferist, you managed to insult the French, hipsters and pretentious chefs, all in three short sentences. Chapeau.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CC - oh, so it was a bread recipe. I thought he was insulting my weight. I thought it said "depth, breadth and width," of which I certainly have enough, if not too much.

Anonymous said...

I swear, BSNYC is a brilliant comic writer, but many of the regulars here can at least hold his wheel. Thanks for the entertainment -- Fritos all around!

Must be the holiday spirit(s).

Anonymous said...

i heard that vincent gallo is paying top dollar for colagnos...since he and basquiat used to ride them with andy wharhol while he would lay down serious inspiration that would get him laid in brown bunny...

Denver Steve said...

What gear is the recumbent running, I have an idea for a sitcom but I can't use a wannabe hipster..

Odile Lee said...

"If you're a "serious" cyclist (meaning you don't enjoy it)" - oh god, Im peeing myself laughing at that!
Butt building sneakers. Now Ive seen it all. But from what Ive seen at the Mall, I think maybe putting down the Macca's might help more. And those Power thingos, bike equiv of high heels( which chicks wear to simulate calves like mine). When you stop, it feels so much better.

Odile Lee said...

I mean, I thought only girls were so dumb to pay huge amounts of money, for things that ruin their feet to look good. Sadly, this is not the case...

Nishant said...

One doesn't need to be a pretentious fop to enjoy cheese as much as I do, but it helps.

Work from home India

bikesgonewild said...

...so "nishant"...are you actually stalking fierce panties or are you simply being unoriginal while using bikesnob to promote your own site...

...if so, take a hike, we're busy ridin' bikes...

msw said...

"However, on a fixie, the pedals are always spinning in perfect circles at very high speeds no matter how sloppy or inefficient your stroke is."

Unlike those stretchy cranks you get on freewheel bikes that let you pedal ellipses. I am currently pedalling in Star of David shapes to celebrate the season.

sufferist said...

CommieCanuck: Sorry for the omission. Here ya go .

wishiwasmerckx:thanks...brevity is the soul of width.

Enjoy the holidays....just don't let it show if you are riding....

San Antonio Employment Lawyers said...

Step one, grow a beard, step two get a recumbent.

easu bin necker said...

fuck

esau bin necker said...

you

Dave said...

"Until recently, that magical bike USED TO BE the fixed-gear bicycle."

Until recently, that magical bike WAS the fixed-gear bicycle.

Fixed

Steve M said...

tour de force post, "Pedaling" looks too heinous to mock

Sigurd said...

Ok, this post is old and the comments page isn't being read by the target audience anymore, but I just have to say this: I'm a physiotherapist and enjoy riding my bike(s), and so I know something of what muscles are and aren't being used when riding. If you use clipless pedals and strive to "spin to win", you get all the hamstrings and tibialis activity you could ever want. That PowerCranks sales talk is complete and utter bollocks.

bike locks said...

Just wait until people have power crank fixies and explode in sheer impracticality.

Unknown said...

TAD lolz!!!1

kanishk said...

I have an idea for a sitcom but I can't use a wannabe hipster..

kobe beef steaks

Anonymous said...


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