Tuesday, October 6, 2009

In the Fold: Small Bikes and Fancy Pants

If you recall, last week I mentioned that closet triathlete David Duchovny flicked a cigarette in a cycling Peter Gallagher's face, causing him to fly eyebrows first right into a flower box. Well, it seems this isn't the first time Duchovny has wronged a cyclist. In fact, a reader recently unearthed evidence that Duchovny may have a shady past as a Sacramento bike thief:

Interestingly, this incident took place in 2002, just as the "X-Files" TV series was winding down. Clearly, Duchovny, fearing for his livelihood, had taken to stealing bikes out of desperation. Of course, his starring role in "Californication" has now rendered bike thievery both risky and unnecessary. However, this does not mean he hasn't acquired a taste for it, and while he may no longer get his own hands dirty (at least not by stealing bikes) he could very well still be orchestrating bike thefts in Sacramento from behind the scenes. This certainly casts a new light on the theft of Lance Armstrong's time trial bike at the Tour of California earlier this year, which was supposedly committed by this guy, Lee Monroe Crider:

Given Duchovny's shady past and triathletic tendencies, it's entirely possible that Crider was acting under Duchovny's orders, and that Duchovny coveted the state-of-the-art bicycle for his own twisted swimming, biking, and running purposes.

Incidentally, according to the Sacramento Bee article, the police were able to nab Crider in part due to his inappropriate mountain bike "curation:"

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm impressed that the Sacramento police know enough about bicycles to tell road components from mountain components, or indeed to tell a road bike from a mountain bike. On the other hand, it is every cyclists' inalienable ("inalienable" is legal-pretentious for "bulletproof") right to curate his or her bike in any manner he or she chooses, and simply putting road components on a mountain bike should not automatically mark someone as a criminal. Frankly, I don't want to live in a world where someone like this cannot roam the boardwalk unmolested (even if the only real road components are the decals):

(via Kale)

Speaking of molestation, fixed-gear bicycles that have not been victims of molestation are now selling at a premium on Craigslist:

It's obviously very important to the seller that the bike retains its value even after he parts with it, which is why he will not accept any "low balls." Once a rider's testicles graze the top tube the bicycle is no longer unmolested, and the price drops quicker than David Duchovny drops his pants in the transition area.

Also, speaking of putting inappropriate components on mountain bikes, fewer components are less appropriate than a motor:

Apparently, Optibike designer Jim Turner is betting that beefy bottom brackets are already passé and that Motorized Bottom Brackets are the wave of the future:

The battery only gets between 50 minutes and 2.25 hours on a charge, and the bicycle weighs almost 60 pounds, which means that it should be quite pleasurable to ride or push when the battery dies 15 miles from the trailhead. However, the reviewer is still impressed, and also thinks that this bicycle might be a suitable substitute for a car:

Yes, by 2011 I'm sure millions of people will have switched from automobiles to electric mountain bikes. Still, he makes a good point: Bikes can indeed go places cars can't. One of these places is trees. A reader has forwarded me the following photo from the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, which indicates that the "Hipster High-Lock" may now be going rustic (or at least urban quasi-rustic):


And here's another shot via another reader which proves that's not an isolated example:

But when it comes to bikes that can go places other things can't, few do so better than Brompton folding bikes--at least if you fold them up and carry them. Sadly, the same is not true for professional cyclists who get in trouble for cheating, since they generally only go to one place, which is the Land of Obscurity. Such was the case for three-time Vuelta a España winner Roberto Heras, though fortunately for him there was a Brompton waiting for him when he got there, and a number of readers have informed me that he is now the Brompton World Champion:

With this victory, Heras has officially crossed the line that separates sandbagging from self-degradation, and I could not help feeling sorry for runner-up Michael Hutchinson, who felt "gutted:"

However, such is the harsh reality of novelty racing, and as a world-class Brompton racer Hutchinson should know very well the consequences of folding.

Meanwhile, disgraced former pro Roberto Heras may be winning novelty races, but revered current pro Jens Voigt is losing them. I was visiting the exclamation point-laden Trackosaurusrex blog recently where I found this video of Voigt losing a race to a guy on what appears to be an old Swiss military bike:



Here is Voigt before the race talking to the host, who's dressed like some sort of disco steamboat captain:


And here he is getting nipped on the line:


I'm not sure how Voigt managed to lose this race, though it's always possible he made a poor wheel choice. Perhaps he should have visited Bonktown, where a reader recently spotted these crabon track "spinners" for sale at a substantial discount:

"Drop a Reynolds bomb on the street or at the 'drome," suggests the copy, which indicates these wheels follow the current exploding wheel trend. Not only that, but they are "Perfect for that sick Schwinn Varsity conversion." Excited, I proceeded to Bonktown in order to purchase a pair for my Scattante, but sadly the offer had expired and they were now selling a wheel bag instead:

Having missed out on the wheels, I had no use for a wheel bag, but I still enjoyed the copy tremendously:

"You roll up to the track and the crowd hushes over your ride's massive plague-like sickness," it explained. "Then you bust out your Cutter Velodrome Wheel Bag..." Now that's how you write marketing copy. After all, what rider hasn't fantasized about arriving at the velodrome and busting out his bag? Furthermore, like any good bag, this one "holds both your high-end wheels in a loving, padded embrace, separating them from each other..." This is truly scrotal, and Rapha should have used similar language for its $210 trousers. Instead, the description is fairly pedestrian:

If anything, Rapha should have explained that these pants hold your male componentry "in a loving, padded embrace" and that, unlike the seller of the unmolested bike, they will comfortably accommodate "low balls." Also, it says the pants are for the "urban rider," but the model is clearly crouching in the countryside above a pile of rocks:

This is less evocative of a crotchal caress than it is of the painful passing of petrified droppings:

I think it's safe to say most riders prefer a "loving, padded embrace" to a cold visit to Dunghenge.

However, if you're still considering purchasing a $210 pair of pants, keep in mind that you may not be making a very good investment. Then again, according to this article which was forwarded to me by a reader, a bicycle may not be a very good investment either:

I guess this is supposed to mean that your $250 bicycle will somehow wind up costing you $632,408 in 40 years, though I'm not sure comparing a bicycle to a lavish dinner makes much sense. You can always resell a bicycle, though the market for regurgitated or excreted dinners is very small (despite the Rapha pants model's apparent interest). Just make sure your bicycle doesn't get molested, and you should make out just fine.

95 comments:

BadBeard said...

BADB EARD

1st!

BadBeard said...

Yeah!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

boulder rules

Anonymous said...

Almost first

Sam said...

podiastic!!

Thad S. said...

6th!

Anonymous said...

Geyad dayum, not even close to first

BadBeard said...

Must be the (dik)tats!

Asterisk said...

top 10?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Yall some "Quick-Draw McGraw" ass mother-fuckers up in this biatch.

Pontius Pilate said...

By the gods of Rome, it feels good to be back on the podium.

Shameful bronze, I shall wear thee with less shame than is customary.

-P.P.

mikeweb said...

Dang!

Go BadBeard!

Reed Enwright said...

BALL BAGZ

rightsaid kev said...

I think someone dropped a reynolds bomb on the street this morning. Maybe it was falafel?

sufferist said...

OK, #1.)the high-locked bikes in the tree reminds me of that one scene in Braveheart where little Billy Wallace makes up his mind to get his killin' on.

#2.) If you lose that Brompton thing do you have to stand around in your underwear? Or are those the winners? Still curious about the photo.

Disco Steamboat Captain said...

Fuck you for making fun of me.

Anonymous said...

Petrified Dung Heap rules

Strayhorn said...

Uh, an investment vehicle with an annual yield of 10%? In this economy? Looks like Ponzi has another one cooked up.

On the other hand, I kinda liked the Campy wheels on the cruiser. If that guy would spring for a pair of Rapha trousers, he'd be date bait.

Anonymous said...

on the Brompton WC, it was Hutchinson who was 'gutted'

the same Hutchinson who has a multiple UK time trial titles, and once tried to beat Chris Boardman's hour record

i think he's gone pretty close to 18minutes for a 10mile TT in the UK

Turd Patrol said...

Copralites rule!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:29pm,

Oops--thanks for the correction.

--BSNYC

Lance's Saucier said...

Gutted.

Filleted.

Sauteed.

Time for lunch!

rezado said...

Pre-stoned!

Oh, wait it is only tuesday.

CommieCanuck said...

That pic proves that the only thing worse than a Canadian, is a Canadian Trek owner.

bikesgonewild said...

...roberto heras reminds us that yes, while "how the mighty have fallen" carries great truth, they can look damn good while they plummet into novelty...

..."i'd like to meet his tailor" - werewolves of london...

hillbilly said...

way to be badbeard! sorry, ant1, but was quite a run.

my PSA - if you aren't bikesnob, ie, smart, funny, and improving my quality of life, please dont stop, squat, and shoot (pictures that is) in the middle of a bike lane. or for short, "don't stop, squat, and shoot, bro."

ant1 said...

Jens Voign?
people have gotten killed for less then that.

CommieCanuck said...

TREK DORK

Anonymous said...

I once put a twisted lowrider fork and some skyway tuff 2's on a softride. Now that I'm a registered bike molester I can't do things like that anymore. Thanks to the internet and sites like pedalmafia I can act out my desires online and not damage any actual bicycles in the process. Some of you may know my work I had the 84 Hutch with a banana seat and drop bars.

CommieCanuck said...

Meh, so Jens loses one...he's still the most potent cyclist alive.

Brian said...

If Alastair Kay only had the mandatory facial hair I would bet he owns at least one recumbent.

BIKE TREE

grog said...

Dunghenge!:-)
Grog is agog.

bikesgonewild said...

...re:-"from the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, which indicates that the "Hipster High-Lock" may now be going rustic (or at least urban quasi-rustic):"...

...why, how lovely...an 'enchanted forest' of bicycles...it's what i always dreamed of as a child...

...& double re:- yesterday & today's "cycling canadians in america"...

...bgw = VANG UARD...

LowBalls said...

This unchecked aggression will not stand

Test Tickle said...

Come on BS, these are the jeans everyone should be "rubbin'" ... er, so to speak.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/421126/new_balls_out_jeans/

balls.

Test Tickle said...

... in case that didn't work:

www.break.com/index/balls_out_jeans.html

balls.

and i mean balls.

Anonymous said...

Will someone please explain what is happening in that video? They all appear to be speaking some crazy moon language.

Brian said...

BSNYC,

Your $250.00 bike will actually cost you $1,581,019.00 over 40 years. I've cross-referenced the current Pistadex but still cannot figure out if this is a good investment or not.

Anonymous said...

Haras looks like the lead singer of Cheap Trick.

Anonymous said...

Or was that Angus Young with AC DC?

CommieCanuck said...

Your $250.00 bike will actually cost you $1,581,019.00 over 40 years.

If governments keep spending debt money like the last two years, it will cost $1.2M to wipe your ass in 40 years.

g said...

doesn't that math thingy require a monthly payment of 250? Where the hell am I supposed to put 480 bikes when I'm 80?

Matt said...

Yep, you could save that money, dutifully putting it in your 401(k) every two weeks, all the while hoping that the stock market get back to where it was ten years ago. Or maybe in a money market yielding 0.01%. When you get to be 70 and have $1,012,356.80, you can get a custom Vanilla three-speed tricycle to ride around the retirement community except the waiting list will be eleven years and by then you're gonna need a wheelchair with Phil hubs. Screw that shit. Buy a nice bike.

d. fofonov said...

Reality for people not fortified sufficiently for performance enhancing and should be perfectly legal naturally occuring substances.

AYHSMPEASBPLNOS.

Anonymous said...

RUCK SACK
BLUE GRAS
PIPE WEED
EPIC BRTO

Bad Lawyer said...

BSNYC--

I don't know what my bizarro-self (Good Lawyer) will say but: "inalienable" is legal-pretentious for "bulletproof" is pretty solid Black's Law Dictionary-defining.

As Roberto Heras says, Test Positive, Bebe`

Isolation Helmet said...

I wish I still had my Schwinn Varsity which I purchased in 1977 for $139. It would look so sweet if I curated it with those Reynolds exploding wheels.

Asterisk said...

18.24 seconds for 200m on that army bike? That's 39kph or 25mph.

Where was the finger bang at the finish line? The Manx Missile better watch out.

Jens' face looked pretty good after French kissing the asphalt in July.

*

Fritz said...

The Disco SC should Unpimp the Optibike

Anonymous said...

Fellow readers,

Keep refreshing your browser until you get the sidebar ad with a cameo from Lance Armstrong.

(Another funny from the people in Redmond...but this time, on purpose!)

Anonymous said...

10% return for 40 years? Geez, the last person who did that was Bernie Madoff.

Red Road Bike said...

Snobby - Wouldn't want to compromise your view of the Sacramento Police Department and its assimilation of bike related evidence, but $7000 is one hell of a curation attempt for a genuine MTB frameway. Sram Red - 8 piece gruppo is (well) under $2000 and the brakes included would be MTB incompatible. Beefy bottom bracket, headset and seatpost - all custom...cockpit, well Crider's maybe a top wrench but 7 big ones?
Hey, maybe the SPD got it wrong - or is that against inalienable rights?

Wes said...

Re Now that's how you write marketing copy. Someone give this guy a book deal. If I wasn't working away (workway) I would also be able to expel lunchal fluids nasally on a daily basis.

curmudgeon said...

anon 4:30....no

Just Wondering said...

So what about mountain bike components on road bikes? Is that why the cops keep looking at me like I've done something wrong?

shmaltz herring said...

I ran across another "unmolested" bike on eBay today:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Vintage-1982-Specialized-Stumpjumper-Mountain-Bike-XT_W0QQitemZ250508842631QQcmdZViewItemQQptZMountain_Bikes?hash=item3a537d9687&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

This is a disturbing trend.

Anonymous said...

high locking = strange fruit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs

Good Lawyer said...

The Attorney General, in his briefing before this court, has advanced an alternative theory — not raised by petitioners in their initial petitions — under which he claims that even if Proposition 8 constitutes a constitutional amendment rather than a constitutional revision, that initiative measure nonetheless should be found invalid under the California Constitution on the ground that the “inalienable rights” embodied in article I, section 1 of that Constitution are not subject to “abrogation” by constitutional amendment without a compelling state interest. The Attorney General’s contention is flawed, however, in part because, like petitioners’ claims, it rests inaccurately upon an overstatement of the effect of Proposition 8 on both the fundamental constitutional right of privacy guaranteed by article I, section 1, and on the due process and equal protection guarantees of article I, section 7. As explained below, Proposition 8 does not abrogate any of these state constitutional rights, but instead carves out a narrow exception applicable only to access to the designation of the term “marriage,” but not to any other of “the core set of basic substantive legal rights and attributes traditionally associated with marriage . . .” (Marriage Cases, supra, 43 Cal.4th at p. 781), such as the right to establish an officially recognized and protected family relationship with the person of one’s choice and to raise children within that family.

In addition, no authority supports the Attorney General’s claim that a constitutional amendment adopted through the constitutionally prescribed procedure is invalid simply because the amendment affects a prior judicial interpretation of a right that the Constitution denominates “inalienable.” The natural-law jurisprudence reflected in passages from the few early judicial opinions relied upon by the Attorney General has been discredited for many years, and, in any event, no decision suggests that when a constitution has been explicitly amended to modify a constitutional right (including a right identified in the Constitution as “inalienable”), the amendment may be found unconstitutional on the ground that it conflicts with some implicit or extraconstitutional limitation that is to be framed and enforced by the judiciary. Although the amending provisions of a constitution can expressly place some subjects or portions of the constitution off-limits to the amending process — as already noted, some state constitutions contain just such explicit limits — the California Constitution contains no such restraints. This court would radically depart from the well-established limits of the judicial function were it to engraft such a restriction onto the Constitution in the absence of an explicit constitutional provision limiting the amendment power.

Accordingly, we conclude that each of the state constitutional challenges to Proposition 8 advanced by petitioners and the Attorney General lacks merit. Having been approved by a majority of the voters at the November 4, 2008 election, the initiative measure lawfully amends the California Constitution to include the new provision as article I, section 7.5.

In a sense, petitioners’ and the Attorney General’s complaint is that it is just too easy to amend the California Constitution through the initiative process.1 But it is not a proper function of this court to curtail that process; we are constitutionally bound to uphold it. If the process for amending the Constitution is to be restricted — perhaps in the manner it was explicitly limited in an earlier version of our state Constitution (see, post, at pp. 46-55), or as limited in the present-day constitutions of some of our sister states (see, post, at pp. 105-107) — this is an effort that the people themselves may undertake through the process of amending their Constitution in order to impose further limitations upon their own power of initiative.

bikesgonewild said...

...good lawyer...learn to un-weight going over the bumps...it will be good for yer head...

...that & learn to pare it down for "we, the people"...

...just sayin' 'cuz otherwise we won't give a fuck...

Good Lawyer said...

inalienable ≠ inalienable.
we the people hold that over good / bad lawyers.

Hollywood said...

*cough*

strike that from the record.

c_c_rider said...

running (or is it rocking?) super expensive wheels on a crappy rig is the hipster/king of the dipshits way of trying to be a gangsta.

Bad Lawyer said...

Good Lawyer, you have an inalienable right to test positive!

Bad Lawyer said...

Hydration fetish (HF) sighting again today, a power walker wearing a wide military belt with multiple plastic canteens. Strange.

Bad Lawyer said...

Holee Sheeeeaaat, check it out. These are actually called Hydration Belts: http://justinerun.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/hydration_aphipod.jpg--found this by googling "hydration geeks."

red neckerson said...

them canader fellers are inalienable

Anonymous said...

I am grateful that my bike has never been molested. I would hate to have to honor kill my bike.

ken e. said...

that's right red, we drink beer like nobody's business and don't get drunk!

(harsh disclaimer here)

Stan said...

Some extra info: Hera came in second in the last Brompton race! He must have really trained hard to win it this time.

Another problem with those finanical scenarios: they assume you will buy a $100 or $250 bicycle EVERY MONTH for 20 or 40 years. I've had my bicycle for ten years, so I could put a lot of money into my 401k, which then tanked 45% last year. I should have bought more bicycles instead.

Anonymous said...

is this blog still here

Anonymous said...

the photo gallery for those rapha britches dont even have an imagine of a human standing up, regular-style wearing the damn pants.

are they afraid everyone will realize they make the wearer look like a dork?

tommmy, for now. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

by imagine i mean image. oops.

c_c_rider said...

jens should feel ashamed to put on his kit again. he got owned by a guy on a 60lb bike!

bikesgonewild said...

...dunno what that other character usually rides or wears but i believe jens was wearing sneakers n' using flat pedals...

...& i'd venture to say herr voigt can basically do all day what the swiss dude did for 200 meters...

Mike said...

Jens was in the guy's wheel, and was coming up pretty damn fast at the line if you watch the replay. He went a little too late. I think he really just demonstrated what we all know already, which is that he isn't a track sprinter.

And damn, that narrow run-off section after the finish line - impressed that neither of them took a spill there.

Anonymous said...

It's a German TV show called "Wetten Das", meaning 'Bet That!'. It's a weekly show in the Fall every year that travels around every two weeks or so to new cities to broadcast. The show is about 90 minutes long and the most popular show in the German-speaking world.

In this espsode it's Jens against some Swiss guy named Daniel Markwalder on a 1910, 27-kilo military bike. Markwalder is the world champion in 1920, 27-kilo Swiss military bike racing, and bets he can beat Voigt on his 2009 Specialized.

The other guy, in the suit with the brown hair, is the German minister for Economics and technology Dr. Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, and bets that Jens will win.

The host, Thomas Gottschalk, is also the chief advertising spokesman for the german coffee brand Tschibo, which has a bunch of retail outlets across Germany that also sell trinkets for the home.

mikeweb said...

Speaking of Fancy Pants - this bicycle clothing site has some pretty interesting product descriptions...

"Yeah, I rode about three thousand miles last week, but only two thousand the week before that"

Klaus Mohn said...

building up on anon 6.30, glasses dude's full name is Karl-Theodor Maria Nikolaus Johann Jacob Philipp Franz Joseph Otto Sylvester, Freiherr von und zu Guttenberg.

Anonymous said...

snob... it looks like the Norwegians are getting into the track bike biz... this whip would be tight with a new Brooks' saddle.

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/bik/1410011045.html

bike locks said...

If we are to a moment move past the ridiculous nature of buying Rapha pants in the first place does anyone have a good reason for the sizing. 1 length measurement.

CommieCanuck said...

them canader fellers are inalienable

Hah! busted again! using words with more than two syllables.

rob said...

That $250 bike will cost you $11,314.81 in 40 years if you can invest it at 10%.

Alternatively, in 40 years time you can spend this $11,314.81 on a 5.5lb supra-futuristic bike with nanotechular ultra nut comfort and helium-filled components.

The choice is yours.

Reed Enwright said...

TREK CR8R

Craften said...

I have some strong statistics that indicate your data on a bicycle being a bad investment to be flawed. According to a graph on this bike shop homepage, health improvement shows a net return of +68% something or other over an undetermined period of time.

http://capitolhillbikes.com/
(scroll down half a page)

Debamundo said...

Not sure how serious Jens was taking it, since he wasn't even wearing cycling shoes. He was pedaling clipless pedals in trainers.

persistence said...

I dunno, I think the bikes in trees are more of an alien visitor/crop circle type phenomenon than something as prosaic urban hipsters that got disoriented and mistook the trees for parking meters. Think the next M. Knight Shalayman flick only with bikes in trees rather than people throwing themselves off buildings.

Anonymous said...

Steve Peat'd be in the do-do - SRAM Red casette on his DH bike...


http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/09/interbike-report-one-lets-take-a-look-round/ (at the bottom)

Anonymous said...

It is certainly interesting for me to read the post. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more soon.

Anonymous said...

Rather interesting blog you've got here. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything connected to this matter. BTW, why don't you change design :).

dinoibo said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

Fakharuddin40 said...

So much thanks for the nice share. I like it and keep sharing.

Motorcycle Leather Jacket

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi