Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Contre-La-Mantra: Streamlining Your Sales Pitch

The bicycle is a simple machine, and the significance of incremental improvements that are made to them every year is both debatable and relative. Sure, infinitesimal improvements in aerodynamics may, in theory, gain one seconds or fractions of seconds in competitive events, but in the end what matters is how much this supposed gain is worth to you. If you're a professional athlete this gain might be worth millions; if you're everybody else, it's probably worth nothing.

However, some people are willing to pay for the perception that their bike is the best, and since they can't actually prove this is true themselves because they're not capable of riding fast enough to make those incremental improvements count, they instead rely on the bike's manufacturer to create marketing campaigns that prove it for them. As such, these marketing campaigns must be effective and reliable; really, they've got to be even more effective and reliable than the bicycles themselves. In practice, it's far more important to create a "bulletproof" marketing campaign than it is to create a bulletproof bike.

Recently, a reader forwarded me a pair of new videos from the Canadian bicycle company Guru. Every so often, you see a genuine advancement in bicycle technology, such as clipless pedals, integrated shifting, and, in the world of offroad riding, the "gravity bong." Well, I'm not sure Guru have advanced bicycle technology any further, though these videos show they've certainly taken bicycle marketing in a bold and revolutionary new direction. This one is for the Crono 2.0 tri bike:



While clipless pedals changed cycling in many ways, the mechanics behind them were not new, since they'd already been employed for quite some time in the form of ski bindings. The big leap was applying them to bicycle pedals. Similarly, the "self-congratulatory windbags sitting around a dinner table" format is nothing new either, since Jon Favreau has employed it for years with the TV show "Dinner For Five:"

What Guru have managed to accomplish though is: 1) adapt the format to bicycle marketing; and 2) completely strip it of interesting people and entertaining conversations. This is quite daring. A talk show set in a restaurant makes sense, since entertainers often work in such environments and share ideas over food and drink. Therefore, watching them interact in such a setting feels natural and informal. However, when Guru depicts their principals at a dinner table drinking wine and talking about how wonderful they are, it gives the impression that: 1) the act of bicycle design is less like engineering and more like wedding planning; and 2) that when you buy a Guru, you're not jut paying for top-notch technology and materials. You're also paying for lavish meals and the filming of those lavish meals.

Don't get me wrong--when it came to filming the meal Guru held nothing back, and I'm convinced that this meal and the conversation that took place during it were both state-of-the-art. Here's one incredible moment where the filmmakers actually illustrate the aerodynamic properties of the BS emanating from the designer's mouth:

Note how streamlined it is, and how it passes to the listener virtually unimpeded.

I also learned something, which is that the "character" of a bicycle is apparently in the headtube. This surprised me, since I had previously thought a bicycle was defined by the "beefiness" of its bottom bracket. I suppose ideally you want both of those things, and that the perfect bicycle has both a beefy bottom bracket and a charismatic headtube. Also, at four minutes and 29 seconds one of the owners utters the phrase, "The pregnant word would be 'symbiosis:'"


As somebody who enjoys the written word (as opposed to the puffed word, which I'm not all that crazy about), I've come across a few wonderfully mellifluous phrases over the years. Just a few of these include: "All You Haters Suck My Balls;" "Don't Put Anything In My Flower Box;" and of course my all-time favorite, "Your money's no good here at Chili's--that second order of fajitas is on the house." So I like to think I know a catchy phrase when I hear one, and to me "The pregnant word would be 'symbiosis'" is as delightful as any ever penned by Shakespeare or stuck to a deep section rim with adhesive vinyl letters. Surely, it's as succulent as any dish that was served to them at that restaurant--which, if you're unfamiliar with Canadian cuisine, is the world's fanciest Tim Hortons. Speaking of class, nothing says "class" like a thumb ring, as you can see from this still in which the wearer mimes the act of helping a pregnant symbiosis deliver a healthy Guru:

I have a recurring nightmare in which I'm fixing a flat on a cold and rainy night and an Acura TSX comes to a stop beside me. As I turn to it a tinted window rolls down and the sound of techno music grows louder. I can't see the driver, but a hand with a thumb ring extends from the blackness and beckons me. Then, a Canadian accent says, "Why don't you come in here where it's warm, eh?" I awake in terror. I don't know what it means, but I'm pretty sure this guy is the figure from my dreams.

You wouldn't think Guru could possibly produce a second video to rival this one, but amazingly they do. Moreover, it's even more brazen, and they start off by explaining that light frames are just marketing tools--so, naturally, they've just made the world's lightest frame:



Then, the guy in the blazer exuberantly describes how they can talk to the people who made the bike, as though Guru somehow invented the idea of a company actually making what it sells:

In fairness to Guru, though, a bike company that actually manufactures what it designs is increasingly rare. In fact, it's so rare that companies like Guru can now use it as a selling point, just like riding a track bike on an actual track is so rare that velodrome races must now be specified as "fixed only." Certainly, though, Guru are justified in touting their process since doing things in-house probably does afford them a lot more control, whereas sending designs off to some factory requires trusting matters to a bunch of disembodied hands. Speaking of disembodied hands and aerodynamic bicycles, I love a good disembodied hand (and I'm not talking about "stranger" administration), so I was pleased when a reader sent me this eBay listing:


The best disembodied hands are the ones that come from on high, because they suggest divine intervention:

But as much as I delight in eBay listings and makeshift bike support techniques, it's not always enough to cleanse my palate after both a literal and figurative meal of road and tri bike marketing as seen in the Guru videos. After sitting around a table for a long time sipping wine, picking at tiny servings of expensive food, and listening to people hold forth and sermonize, sometimes all you want to do is sit on the couch with a pizza and a beer and watch reruns of "Three's Company." Here's the marketing equivalent of that dining scenario (which I saw on Busted Carbon, which is sort of the bike porn equivalent of S&M), and while I'm not sure how scientific it is, it's certainly lacking in pretense:



While Guru clearly put a great deal of thought into their staged dinner conversation, the people at Niner obviously made a spur-of-the-moment decision one Wednesday afternoon to grab a camera and pound the crap out of a fork with a hammer. I'm disappointed that after pounding it he didn't also demonstrate how to use the fork as a bong, though chances are that's what they were doing when they conceptualized the video. Incidentally, while he says he's going to "clear up a few myths about carbon fiber," by my count he only cleared up two: that you can't hit it with a hammer, and that you can't use it to get stoned.

145 comments:

Anonymous said...

first?

Anonymous said...

2nd?

Anonymous said...

3rd?

Anonymous said...

3rd

Anonymous said...

and now I'll go read

Anonymous said...

whaddya know?

hillbilly said...

Nice job curating the words today

hillbilly said...

guru should consider birth control

abelgus said...

Top ten I hope

hillbilly said...

where the hell is everyone? still thinking about frilly's "girls"?

Anonymous said...

Well, off to have a three-way with smarm, eh?

RB1 said...

the disembodied hand is also disarmed. sorry.

Brian said...

the fork maintains its integrity

Anonymous said...

Chad, Missed it yesterday No Podium

flynn said...

the result of the hammer test was surprising though, no?

mander said...

Pack fill!

Strayhorn said...

Is that a worsted wool blazer over a cotton T-shirt? Gah. First of all, Miami Vice went off the air decades ago. Second, even a redneck like me knows you only wear linen, silk or cotton jackets over a T-shirt. How much you wanna bet he has on jeans and white socks?

Meanwhile, the idea of a carbon bong has merit. I wonder who we could approach to make them? How about the newly-unemployed Cannondale framemakers? Or the guys at Parlee - then you could charge 4X its actual worth.

Astroluc said...

so late.. so so late... but I was late because today I was forced to take my local mass-transit -- disabled trains and signal problems = a commute that took 45min. longer to get to the blog than if I were to have just drafted behind Anon12:27

At least it serves to remind me why I, and incentivize me to, ride my bike.

Klaus Mohn said...

MARK ETNG

bk jimmy said...

So that one Guru guy only speaks French, and the others only speak English, yet they hold a conversation seamlessly. It's just like Star Wars!

Which reminds me--the engineer with the heavy accent--I recognize that voice!

-dean said...

I wonder when the last time Blazer-wearer was on a bike.

Watching that video and realizing that so much of the bicycle industry is talk like that - I got sick a little.

Bad Lawyer said...

I wear a ring on my middle finger because--after cycling all summer, the ring falls off my ring finger and my well-tailored clothes fall off my formerly fat ass. And I did this riding a 12 year old steel bike at an avg speed of not much more than %# !/@ mph. And the best part, it was fun.

Anonymous said...

Bikes, just as PCs, have a performance that is far superior than the needs, hability or capacity of their users (in competitive cycling it´s necessary to define minimum wheight on bikes). So all it´s left is marketing. And every five years or so a notable improvement will come about.

Astroluc said...

Lawyer:

Fun? FUN?? I thought cycling was serious business

I kid, we have fun... now what was my wattage!?

KRBN FIBR

landis in 06 said...

damn peddle issues

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Bad Lawyer said...

Flow fields: "the flow stays together all the way back."

Anonymous said...

"self-congratulatory windbags sitting around a dinner table"
format includes omage to "my dinner with andre" gesticulation

Bad Lawyer said...

...and, Bobby Pizzazz, co-founder and smirky dude.

Fierce Panties said...

FNGR BANG

rezado said...

It's about me.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Two poeple already beat me to the "blazer over t-shirt" comment. I guess that particular vein of ore has already been pretty much mined out before I even opened my browser.
Oh, well.

Anonymous said...

On my commute in this morning, I thought I saw the Snob wakeboarding on the Big Skanky. Anybody else see that?

Billy Reid said...

Ha, more like wedding planning!

Classic

Anonymous said...

Frenchman at the table and he still mispronounced "homage."

And as far as carbon forks go, I'd be more impressed if the fork was mounted and it was taking hits that would stress the fork/steerer tube juncture.

Anonymous said...

Posting "first" could be the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

bk jimmy said...

Anybody else find it suspiciously familiar, the way Snobby has been talking about magic mushrooms growing on cow dung, and experiencing blissful oneness with nature? Could it be Bill Hicks faked his own death and has been peacefully riding bikes for the last 15 years? At least, until moving to New York a few years ago brought back the old vitriol, necessitating a creative, but anonymous, outlet?

I'm going to go load Snob's NPR interview into ProTools and play it backwards to see if I can find any clues.

sspeier said...

bike snob is NOT bill hicks
trust me
i know bill hicks AND bike snob
they are both cool d00ds

Anonymous said...

Ever notice how you just never see BikesnobNYC and Bill Hicks in the same photo? Makes you think, huh?

Kevin Watson said...

Number one rule of bike marketing? Make the name of the bike legible!
What the hell kind of frame does Cadel Evans ride anyway?

http://www.cyclingnews.com/races/76th-uci-road-world-championships-cm/stages/stage-6/photos/89495

Anonymous said...

Between these bozos and Cervelo, I wish Canadian cycling was still CCM and Supercycle, with a side of Velosport and Sekine. Me, I totally, completely ignore any innovation. I don't have a prominent, stove-pipe-sized headtube, and my bottom bracket would have been perfectly at home on a 1960's road bike.

Keith Niesenbaum, VMD said...

I ride a Guru tri bike. OK not the sexy chrono but a run of the mill carbonio tri. I am old, I am slow and I know that while I can't change the first, getting faster will entail training harder, not a faster bike. The dudes said it themselves, the biggest source of drag is the rider. The second biggest drag is pretentious bike companies.

Billy Reid said...

The Niner keeps its integrity

Thumb-ring-banger assistant said...

Couldn't possibly be thumb and pinky-fingerbang jewelry. WTF Canadians, your fashion is perpetually 5 years behind the US (which is 5 years behind Europe.)

Udder said...

Best line in the Guru video- (remember, they're talking about a time trial bike) "This bike is for athletes."

Fierce Panties said...

1st anon 1:42 response:

There are stupider things. Just go for a bike ride and you will see many of them.

Anonymous said...

As for the cuisine -- Anglophone Canadian may be Tim Horton's, but the French cuisine in Montreal is way, way better.

I also have a Guru, by the way -- it's very nice, and it was actually made on this continent!

Fierce Panties said...

Anon 1:48

Tell me more about Sekine. Mine has a rhinestone studded headtube badge that smells like Canadian cheese.

Forkbang Assistant said...

niner hammer-guy rulz

youaretheengine said...

Don't forget Sportek bicycles. Mine even says "made in Canada" on it. I found it in the garbage.

CANA DIAN

Anonymous said...

Videos: they are even funnier if you watch them without sound b/c all it is is a bunch of guys nodding in agreement with each other.

jolene said...

boy howdy is that what you city folk look like without your tinned winders

rolf laukant said...

I believe you really meant to say.
"you should not hit it with a hammer, and you could use it to get stoned, if properly modified and beefy enough."

Anonymous said...

I own a TSX...Im very offended.

Matt said...

I spent my formative years in Canada and once I'd moved to the States and was asked to name a Canadian national food all I could come up with was poached eggs on tinned spaghetti on toast. My mouth's watering just thinking of it...

leroy said...

Ordinarily, I'd think it was weird to see a guy with a hammer advising folks to inspect their equipment after self abuse.

But hey, it's Wednesday.

Anonymous said...

So if gumby sits sideways facing left he'll win ... thanks for clearing that up.

Jim said...

What's with all the hatin' on Guru?

That's just a marketing department's version of "sessioning." They will follow it up with T-Shirts, caps, and Books On Tape of the session.

All you haters can suck my Wharton MBA.

Anonymous said...

"French cuisine in Montreal"
-Kinda like saying Chinese food in China


BILL HIX!

Rantwick said...

They have wine at the fanciest Tim Horton's? WHERE IS IT? TELL ME! Is it in Vancouver, or Toronto? Please answer while I go find my thumb ring... I'm going OUT tonight, eh! Maybe I'll hook up with a Timmie's Girl and end up with a symbiotic pregancy situation!

Chris said...

It's the bicycle equivalent of Un Dîner de Cons
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119038/

Rantwick said...

Wait, I didn't watch videos, just read the commentary. MONTREAL, here I come...

Udder said...

"French cuisine in Montreal"
-Kinda like saying Chinese food in China

Not really. Most eat like lumberjacks in Montreal and Quebec.

bk jimmy said...

Even O.C. weighs in on the Guru tri bike.

Sort of. Mostly he just rocks out!!!

kale said...

The pregnant word is 'abortion'.

Anonymous said...

Quebec cooking? Poutine italienne is probably the worst thing in the world.

Anonymous said...

Udder,
what do French lumberjacks eat?
I'm sure they eat french food. What do Chinese lumberjacks eat?

bk jimmy said...

scrambled eggs and dog bacon

kale said...

Molson Ice and Ketchup Lays

Anonymous said...

So was the Niner video trying to dispell a belief about carbon not being able to survive impacts or re-enforce that metal shows damage more readily while carbon... Uhh gives you the chance to sell before hidden structural fails like an mavic R-sys.

Anonymous said...

I have no knuck tats for Cannuck Stranger. Help.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Perhaps you meant to say the following:

Bicycles are simple machines, and the significance of incremental improvements that are made to them every year is both debatable and relative.

Mad Jack McMad said...

I think the Niner fork guy may be a friend of Pontius Pilate.

"Sthamson the Sthaggisea Sthtrangler...Sthilas the Assthyrian Assthasthin...stheveral sthaditiousth sthcribes from Stheastherea..."

Where is old Pontius, by the way?

hillbilly said...

yeah, anon 2:44, i was thinking the same thing...he clearly recommends not riding either, so what the hell does it matter if one doesn't actually show damage. i bet if you kept a camera on it long enough it would find a way to snap

Udder said...

Anonymous wrote: what do French lumberjacks eat?

1) People from Quebec or Montreal are not French, they're Canadians.

2) As stated above, they eat stuff like Poutine (french fries in sweet, sickly gravy with cheese curds). Other variations include meat sauce, BBQ sauce, sausage, etc.

As for Chinese lumberjacks, I'm not sure what they eat.

bikesgonewild said...

...don't kid yerselves...

...let's not miss guru's obvious marketing brilliance just because they've it palped it in pretension...

...cervelo was originally two canuck geeks who sold their concept well enough that they're now drinking the high end cuvee'...
...swiss financing, saxo bank team, le tour...hell, life couldn't be more grand...

...guru guys said "merde', we need a strategy...we film our regular friday evening expensive dinner...(A)-we get a tax write-off...(B)- we sell the street joes on how cool (read: thoughtfully high tech) we are & (C)- we interest some high end euro finance "cycling" wannabe's, who are smitten w/ our bullmerde' in taking over the reins & who will keep us gainfully employed after the takeover"...

...that, gentlemen, truly is cycling genius...

Helen said...

Thanks for putting up my disembodied hand find....:)

yogisurf said...

I think the waiter filled the thumb ring guy's wine glass twice...since he wasn't making sense, might as well get him drunker so he can have a good time.

Headlongintomyownurine said...

Snobbie, you really do rule! If you ever do sit down to drink wine with those guys be sure to palp wheelbrows, because ... well you know why.

Anonymous said...

udder,
'1) People from Quebec or Montreal are not French, they're Canadians.'

I don't feel this way, they may even be frencher.

b) Chinese lumberjacks eat the koalas they get from fallen trees.

Udder said...

b) Chinese lumberjacks eat the koalas they get from fallen trees.

I think you mean pandas.

Anonymous said...

What was that towards the beginning of the first video where they decide to give their bike a "facelift" just for the sake of it?

Anonymous said...

udder,

no, you are mistaken. Pandas don't live up in trees.

keith said...

It's nice to hear that, while here in the PNW we have sensational stories of "car vs bike", that Guru is taking care of the "Stiffness vs Comfort" issues as alluded too in the second video. Soon a "Docudinner" also know as the "Dookidinner" will take place discussing why a stiff drink is much more comfortable than a stiff neck and how to market that.

Also, let me invite you to my Dookidinner discusson at Chuk -E- Cheese as I describe my companies, GoThru Uranus, new technological advanced concepts of making the bike lighter. We have found that by eliminating the weight and drag forces of the 3rd dimension we can help make the bike lighter and faster for the consumer. Hope to see you there.

Anonymous said...

keith
why don't you stop talking about docu-dinners and come down here and help figure out this koala/lumberjack problem

Anonymous said...

thanks for Busted Carbon. nice, but doesn't quite deliver the same pleasure as:

http://www.wreckedexotics.com/

fantz crazz said...

Canada's most popular dish is called 'poutine' sounds like 'pootin' They take a basket of french fries cover them with cheese curds and top it off with brown gravy. That shit is good. They call it 'pootin' because after you eat the cheese curds, fries, gravy, you'll be a pootin mofo.

Wednesday said...

FORK BONG

grog said...

Agree: The pregnant word would be 'symbiosis'. This dinner meeting must have taken place on a post-wacky-weed Wednesday.

BALL PEEN
FORK BONG
PNDA KOLA

belmont sledgehammer said...

Anon 1:36 beat me to first calling the dude out on his enunciating the silent "H" in homage. Sounded like he was choking up a chicken bone actually.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

1. People from Quebec are "Quebecois" or "Quebeckers". They do not like being called Canadian.

2. They still eat a long of pea soup.

The big questions? Will Guru be able to maintain its cheesey/smary image for as long as say Pinarello?

Speaking of cheese, check out the POV at :42

http://www.pinarello.com/eng/multimedia.php?video=fp3

rezado said...

I believe the correct terminology is frenchier.

Isolation Helmet said...

I was unable to make it through either of the Guru videos but the guy bashing the forks with a hammer was entertaining.

I think the steel fork would make a better bong since I believe it would be bomb proof while the crabon fiber could explode any moment.

CommieCanuck said...

No one does frame bullshit like Canadians...the higher we pile it on, the more the frames sell for.

A crabon Guru frame is $5,000.

Cervelo S3 is so aero, it may not fit some gruppos.

People from Quebec are "Quebecois" or "Quebeckers". They do not like being called Canadian.

They aren't considered Canadian either, we just call then "Les Whiners".

CommieCanuck said...

fantz crazz said...

Canada's most popular dish is called 'poutine'


I thought it was called Pamela Anderson.

Anonymous said...

That's funny, my crabon guru was about $3k. And I talked to the guy who made it!

Anonymous said...

Btw Cadel Evans this morning on Oz radio re fixies:

"I spose they minimise maintenance, but I don't see the point myself"

Anonymous said...

burn motherfucker, burn!

Anonymous said...

Rapha would server better wine.

Fierce Panties said...

100

BadBeard said...

101st!

Stupid Name said...

Guru, a Canadian bicycle manufacturer, will be launching their new sub-750g Photon at Interbike next week.

Their first production unit weighed in at 747g (54cm) and the bikes are scheduled to hit retailers in December 2009. In order to hit such a minimal weight while retaining race-worthy stiffness and efficiency, Guru stuck with circular tubes as the base platform, then modified them based on FEA (finite element analysis) to bolster the areas that see the most stress. They used “aerospace grade” HS40 carbon fiber and manufactured the bike in-house to achieve a 70/30 fiber/resin ration.

To keep the strength of the frame, Guru eliminated as many joints as possible, creating a one-piece seattube/bottom bracket shell and using compression molded carbon dropouts. To top it all off, as with any Guru, you can get it customized all the way from the geometry to the carbon layup.

Hit ‘more’ to see another photo of the frame and their totally redesigned Cronos 2.0 triathlon / time trial bicycle…

$4900. and still made in china.

Makes truck balls seem small.

Stupid Name said...

Brown Gravy does not make french fries a gourmet food group.

All canadians should be prevented from manufacturing bikes.

Ask the investors of Specialized.

Anonymous said...

"I also learned something, which is that the "character" of a bicycle is apparently in the headtube. This surprised me, since I had previously thought a bicycle was defined by the "beefiness" of its bottom bracket."

Well it depends. Some guys are "breast men". Others are more "ass men".

bikesgonewild said...

...& here i thought "that the "character" of a bicycle" was the idiot riding it...

...just sayin'...

Marcus Siu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marcus Siu said...

I think he said, "the pragmatic word would be sybiosis"

Anonymous said...

At 4 minutes and 29 seconds??? How'd you make it that far? At 1:02 I was quivering, and 2:42 I started puking all over my desk top.
Jeez, what a bunch.

Anonymous said...

That ring shit is a Canadian thing: "The Order of the Engineer"... suppose to symbolize your pride and unite you in brotherhood with other engineers; kind of a fag thing if you ask me.

Maneki Nico said...

More disembodied hands on view at Rapha's L'Eroica Bike Auction.

L'Eroica regulations "stipulate that only road bikes comprising of technology dating before 1987 qualifies [sic] a participant." All the bikes have been built (read, curated) with vintage, factory new frames and have only been ridden at L'Eroica. Information on the hands is not available.

Anonymous said...

this post and these comments show how NYC/East Coast/American-centric bikesnob and the rest of you are...

sitting around a dinner table and talking about stuff is how folks in other parts of the world do "work." here, in america, unless you are being a serious careerist self-promoting tool by TRYING YOUR BEST TO LOOK like a serious careerist self-promoting tool, then you're not serious enough... IE, if you're sitting around a table talking about stuff, you're a windbag, because you're not out there being savvy enough to LOOK LIKE a serious careerist self-promoting tool...

if you don't get it, just wrap yourself in an american flag and a quilt made of dollar bills and stand in the mirror for a little while...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous at 9:30:

I think you completely miss the point that BS (and others too) makes about the Guru info videos.

Go back, read again, watch again, and maybe you'll get it. And maybe it will even be funny.

Anonymous said...

Stupid Name 5:58

$4900. and still made in china.

uhhh, no, it's not. They're all made in Montreal, by people who do honest work for a paycheck.

Y'know, this whole thing makes me kind of sad. I have a gorgeous new Guru, which is beautiful and rides like a dream, and since I am no longer young I will probably ride it until I'm not able to ride any more. Somehow the pretentiousness of their video, and BSNYC's reaction, just makes me ... well, just kind of sad.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

That Niner video does a really nice job of demonstrating that if one whacks an unloaded Niner fork several times with a hammer, it does not explode like, say, one of those billet forks machined from a single block of river ice, or a fork made by an artisan glass blower. The funny part is that steel fork is probably still usable, and may even have a reasonably long fatigue life. It's just ugly now.

Reed Enwright said...

Mr. Thumb ring wouldnot be listening to techno ...

leroy said...

Whoa, I had the strangest dream last night.

I dreamt I was stuck at a dinner meeting at the Wendy's outside Gstaad with Anon 9:30 and the design team from Rapha.

They were very slowly explaining in European accents their new line of two piece cycling wear featuring a jersey made from an American flag and a cape made from a quilt of dollar bills.

The design team from Primal was at the next table eavesdropping until Anon 9:30 started scolding them mercilessly.

Note to self: no more jalapeno poppers before bed time.

Anonymous said...

Given the, er, language barrier, I think the thumb ring was the result of the wearer 'earing, somewan mention 'ee deegs some chics' TONGUE RING, as "chics deeg THUMB RINGS."

Me, I'm still awestruck by Snobby's use use of, "Contra-la-Mantra," in the title.

Stupid Name said...

Anon 10:35.

I believe you are wrong, do not confuse designed, and built.

What number (quantity) would be the critical factor between "custom made" and "production"?

I do not own Guru, and I am sure it is a fine bike.

Sorry for badmouthing something I have not tried, but are they offering something that exists at a fraction of the cost, and their justification just seems pretentious.

Sorry for making you sad, I am no sad.

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:35

Just peel off the stickers or cover them with tape, then no one will know you bought a Guru.

Anonymous said...

no se apoye contre la mantra

Anonymous said...

almost forgot! YAY another excellent
Weednesday post!!

Anonymous said...

The character on the bike is wherever I have it custom painted. Usually it's Suessian in nature and placed surreptitiously inside the custom non-curved fork for the utmost in pretentiousness.

An ultralight, aerodynamic custom crabon frame makes all the difference hauling around my beer gut. Feels like I'm just holding handlebars when out terrorizing families walking on my local rails-to-trails path. Just the sight of that custom frame lets people know who they're dealing with.

b1k3r666 said...

not the kind of bong we probably had in mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIq469VGAwo

CommieCanuck said...

$4900. and still made in china.

That's funny, his crabon guru was about $3k. And he talked to the guy who made it!

Unless Montreal has now separated to China (please), Gurus are made in Quebec.

Kevin said...

Guru frames are nothing more than a ploy to suck money from cycling wannabees who feel that they must ride a “boutique” bike in order to have an identity. When exploring new frame options in 2005 , I did attempt to contact Guru to ask specific questions regarding geometry and responsiveness. At the time there were no contact links on their webpage and even the local rep failed to return my call. Trek on the other hand, provided an almost instantaneous response to an email to be follow by a call from a knowledgeable representative who answered my questions.
Needless to say I am still on my Trek, Madonne 5.9 and a very happy camper.
Talk to a guy who has had a problem with any other bike and see what response they have received from the manufacturer.

Daniel said...

Anyone notice that in the final shot of the niner video where they compare the damage on the steel fork vs. the carbon one that they show the brake side leg of the steel fork for comparison? Yup, that is not the side that he hits in the video. No after the video cuts, he wails on the other side with more hits than shown in the film and then presents it as if it is the same damage caused while the camera was rolling. What a scam.

Anonymous said...

OMG, it's genius, and so are you Bike Snob! Thanks for a belly laugh when I thought nothing could make me laugh today.

kerry said...

Down Under, we call those Chinese snacks 'Drop Bears".

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Gabe said...

Niner video was a bit misleading.

Carbon fiber composite is usually made up of layers. Generally when you hit it, it does not dent on the outside, rather cracks form between the many layers inside.

That's the tricky part about composites. Companies spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for equipment to find cracks/defects INSIDE the composite.

Anonymous said...

I know half of the guys on that video. By the way, there is a BSNY in Montreal who claims to have invented the word salmon...

In any case, they make nice bikes. I do not own one. Some of these guys are idiots, the guru shop in montreal is true eye candy and most marketing is handled by the portugese italian lookin guy who mums 3 words. These guys are hands on, they are small and move swiftly. I agree this video s a total piece of shit, they went where they shouldn't have.

This being said, guru sales line up some great partners such as bonk and edge wheels, these are products that have similar DNA (fuck I hate that word as bad as Curated).

Another point I want to mention, these guys went to do this film in a shithole restaurant called yoyo hat has been around for 20 years, its a BYOW restaurant so they really saved there. I am sure the bike mechanic is doing the filming...

Finally, Poutine is nothing Canadian, its quebecois, it was imported in Toronto and Vancouver by the likes of Martin Picard and other great local chefs that guys like Anthony Bourdain swear by.

As you can see, the english speaking folks dress like shit and the french canadians ones are dressless or have shop clothes. Let's stop right here, I beg anyone on the eastern seaboard to tell me that Montrealers do have the hottest women-men in North America, Montreal is one of the biggest detinatination for fat amercians to go to and people watch in summer time. Sorry but true, the only place they will dare go because they can ear french words without fearing a Parisian assholes maing fun of them and still order thei mcchiken in english. Here are a few facts, most of the foie gras and raw milk cheese that you will eat in Chicago or San Francisco come from my backyard... there is no other low cost high end restarant scene like in Montreal.

Now about guru, you fucked up, fuckers. Shame.

Anonymous said...

These videos taste of MBAs obtained at McGill. This is the shit they learn, of course most them forgot the ost important thing, riding and the ridders.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure those lovely aerodynamic frames will be very useful once we all start living in wind tunnels.

On the subject of 'shoaling' - here in lovely London (UK) lots of traffic light regulated crossings have special bike only refuges. These allow cyclists to shoal the cars and gets them neatly lined up for a racing start when the lights change. However, many riders here take shoaling to its logical conclusion and entirely ignore red lights.

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Anonymous said...

re: -dean - I used to work with the middle-finger ring wearer - trust me, he's not been on a bike in a long time....wow, this is classic!!

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