Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Up in the Air: The Dangers of Cycling

If you're still following the Tour de France (yes, amazingly, the race is not over yet) you may be aware that today is a "novelty" stage and the organizers are forcing the riders to race without radios. This means that the team directors will be free to enjoy the wonders of terrestrial French radio (all accordion, all the time) in their cars while the riders are forced to think for themselves. But while some directors and riders oppose the ban for safety reasons, I feel the real problem is that the more financially well-off teams can easily find work-arounds. For example, rumor has it that Lance Armstrong has hired a skywriter plane at his own expense. This means that Johan Bruyneel, who is still plugged into the organization's race radio channel, can simply contact the pilot, who will in turn broadcast Bruyneel's message writ large across the sky for the team to see:

While theoretically these messages will be just as visible to the rest of the peloton as they are to Astana, the fact is that it will simply not occur to any of the other riders to look up unless their own directors tell them to do so. And on the off-chance that a rider actually does turn his head skyward (such as after a crash while lying face up in the middle of the road) Bruyneel is cannily mixing nonsensical decoy phrases in with his instructions:

Nothing worse than adding insult (and testilingus) to injury.

Speaking of which, Portland continues to mercilessly build upon its status as the metaphorical billowy "All You Haters Suck My Balls" cloud message taunting the rest of the nation's cyclists. I recently received a press release from the Oregon Manifest informing me of a contest to design "the ultimate modern transportation bike:"

This bicycle should be "flexible, durable, able to portage reasonable loads with ease, and ready to accommodate the many small and large challenges of everyday riding:"

Incidentally, if you're confused by the word "portage," it's bike-pretentious for "carry," much like "colorway" is design-pretentious for "color" or "testilingus" is crotch-pretentious for "All You Haters Suck My Balls." Also, whenever Rapha's involved, you can bet your silk cravat that things are going to get "epic." ("Epic" is cycling-pretentious for "long and tedious.") Not only are the "Gilded R" putting on one of their trademark artfully-filmed rides, but they're also giving the winner a "fully bespoke suit:"

I actually thought a bespoke suit was a suit made out of spokes, which isn't nearly as bad as it sounds--I have a chicken wire cocktail dress and it's simply fabulous. However, it turns out that "bespoke" is actually pretentious clothes-speak for "custom made," which means that the suit Rapha is giving away must be pretty much the same one depicted in that Times article from awhile back:


Hopefully it also comes with a complete set of chimney cleaning tools for the Dickensian street urchin lifestyle enthusiast--either that, or else a deerstalker hat, pipe, and magnifying glass so that the wearer can dress up as Sherlock Holmes and conduct a protracted investigation for his own dignity.

And speaking of the Victorian era, it's both remarkable and depressing how far we cyclists have failed to come since those days. A reader recently forwarded me this 1896 article on "The Dangers of Cycling" from "The Lancet," and save for the old-timey hyphen placement it could easily have been written today:


In particular, the reader pointed out this passage, which proves that the guy hunched over his aerobars on the recreational path , the person who races you on your commute, and the charity ride racer all share a common ancestor called the "scorcher:"

Another frequent cause of accident is the practice of " scorching." For the benefit of the uninitiated we may define the term as an impulse over-ruling the cyclist’s reason compelling him to overtake any and every moving object which may be in front of him. It is somewhat analogous to the schoolboy’s love of overtaking those walking before him, and it shows similar lack of mental control. Oblivious of everything but the one object of overtaking that which is immediately in front of him, he rushes madly on and, if fortunate enough to escape injury to himself, is only too likely to cause serious harm, if not death, to the pedestrian who may be unfortunate enough to be in his way. The ambition for record breaking and the desire for making a " century run "-i.e., the covering of a hundred miles in one day are greatly responsible for the practice of scorching" and they should be strongly denounced by any medical man who has an opportunity of advising in the matter. These two causes of accident, which we are sorry to say cannot be attributed to the male sex alone, occur for the most part outside large towns, where reckless riding can be indulged in with some amount of impunity as far as the law is concerned.

Furthermore, then as now, taxi drivers hated us:

Cabmen, too, often delight in causing as much inconvenience and annoyance to cyclists as they possibly can do, and we have been witness of a cabman deliberately crossing to the wrong side of the road in front of a cyclist for no other purpose than the wanton one of causing the latter to dismount.

It really doesn't get much more wanton than that.

And perhaps most indicative of the old adage that "The more things change, the more people continue to be idiots" is that this officially marks the 113th year that people have been telling other people to put brakes on their bikes:

Do not ride without a brake, which should be attached to the back wheel if possible.

Obviously in the intervening years we've come to the understanding that the brake is more effective on the front wheel than it is on the back one, but I'm sure this is at least in part due to the peculiarities of the braking technology that was available at the time:

...unfortunately, there is an idea that the addition of a brake adds an inconvenient weight to the machine. It is true that there is still room or improvement in the matter of brakes, but there is a pneumatic contrivance on the market which is both safe and effective, it being attached to the back wheel and being very light the excuse of inconvenient weight cannot be urged.

Donning my deerstalker hat and my bespoke chicken wire cocktail dress I was able to track down an image of this old "pneumatic contrivance," and it was indeed peculiar:

If you'd like to see the entire image, click here, but please keep in mind that it may be unsafe for work--especially if you work in the late 19th century.

Yes, the sad fact is that if cycling in 2009 is almost exactly the same as cycling used to be back in 1896, what hope is there for the future? Even worse, if one looks west to Portland one is taunted by near-daily bike shows, contests, and theme rides, and if one looks east to Germany one is taunted by discount sex for cyclists, as you can see from this article forwarded to me by another reader:

Since I was already wearing my bizarre chicken wire Sherlock Holmes outfit from the Victorian "pneumatic contrivance" search, I figured I might as well head over to the website for the "Maison d'envie" since I was dressed appropriately. First, I checked out their schedule of fees to see just how sweet a discount this was:


Personally, I think they should have offered cyclists a free "Extra" instead. Sure, €5 off a €45 session is nothing to sneeze at (especially since sneezing at things probably costs €50 extra in the "Maison d'envie"), but a free Zungenk├╝sse would still have been much easier to, well, schlucken.

Next, I checked out the video (which is unsafe for work in any century) which provided a steamy and uncensored view of what any cyclist interested in visiting the "Maison d'envie" is most eager to see--of course I'm referring to the rooms:

Classy, and just the place to unwind after a difficult commute. There's also some exquisite art to ponder while you relax:


(Fine art need not be censored.)

But by far the most attractive thing for the weary cyclist is this warm and inviting bathtub, complete with revealing glass portal:


Yes, nothing beats a post-ride "Whirlpoolangebot:"

Please note that Larry King is simply there for purposes of censorship, though if you'd like him to join you in the "Whirlpoolangebot" it will cost you €25 extra. Oh, and one other thing: "Maison d'envie" is also hiring, which ITTET is a good thing to see:



Just in case you don't read German, here's a free online translation:

Our small team seeks urgently strengthening. Just now to the vacation time, we seek urgently nice, motivated models. Gladly also by the day. You should can have a second occupation and work above all in the afternoon, let's receive you with open arms. Here almost exclusively German models work will fit, when EU citizen with good German knowledge you also perfectly into our team! Here a very comfortable, almost informal atmosphere rules and if you exercise the model activity with the necessary professionalism, will be able to earn you in the Maison d`envie good money. You find us in the Prenzlauer mountain, Danziger st. 61 in the rear house ground floor to the left. Or call under 030-417 25,920 or 01577-493 58,20 on. You require offer an own business registration/tax number around your services in our house to can.

Oh, and having your own Victorian pneumatic braking contrivance probably wouldn't hurt either.

93 comments:

Mad Jack McMad said...

Reaching into my suitcase of courage and dancing on the pedals!

Nick said...

1st

Anonymous said...

write this in the sky!

AYHSMB

Nick said...

Dang it!

But I still keep the green jersey.

Anonymous said...

10 !

Pontius Pilate said...

TOP TEN.

Hail Caesar!

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

ME!

Daddo said...

8 like lance

Rantwick said...

Danger!

Daddo said...

can i take that back now?

Rantwick said...

Yay, top 10. Now to read...

streepo said...

Twatcrust 1st

Mad Jack McMad said...

Allons enfants de la Patrie...

rezado said...

Tweeds.

hillbilly said...

a novelty state? is that like alaska or something, or do you mean stage?

hillbilly said...

brilliant as always. schmalz also had some good thoughts about radio free tour-ope.

http://nyvelocity.com/content/features/2009/tour-day-schmalz-stage-10

Anonymous said...

This "green discount" also keeps the prostitutes busy with fit cyclists and not fat suburbanites. sounds like a win win to me

Sprocketboy said...

"Prenzlauer Mountain" is not HC but I'd be willing to sprint up it without a radio.

farrar said...

you pipped me

Fred said...

Crap, French pack fodder again.

mikeweb said...

Blame it on Facebook.

Astroluc said...

A Cinzetti rider threw his frame-pump into my wheel :(

barely a peloton finish

Morgan said...

From the NYT article linked in yesterday's post "But it is only in the past few years that riders, inspired mostly by skateboarding and BMX, began to push the limits of doing tricks on a fixed-gear bike."

and again, I'm obligated to link to a backwards-riding barspin from 1985

Anonymous said...

If LeTour wants to be harking back to the good old days (i.e. efforts to have a 'sans radio day')it is a slippery slope.
Ditching the advantages of crabon fibre, exploding wheels, oh wait that's called NJS...
But really, lets take it back to the good old days when riders were coked up to hell, drunk, and rode without aero helmets, no no, not the 80s, I'm talking about shedding 100 years or so, back in the day.

Doug said...

If the pump doesn't work is there a patch kit available?

Kurt Vonnegut is King said...

I've heard Mavic is offering an R-Sys despoke suit: it looks like a full body cast.

Ba-dum-bum.

mikeweb said...

"so that the wearer can dress up as Sherlock Holmes and conduct a protracted investigation for his own dignity"

What - another unsolved mystery?!

mellowvelo said...

So I guess a woman can't enter the design contest, unless they're into custom menswear...

That's bullshit. Bicycles have been around for decades. They really think that there exists no good bike to accomplish all of those tasks?

Paul Bowen said...

Now look Victorian bloke, you can say what you will about my "lack of mental control" but the fact is that this 'scorcher' and his Brompton took the Southwark Bridge KoM points from a guy on a Bianchi this morning. And no, he was neither eating nor on the phone, as one colleague and ex-friend suggested.

Latest 'Brixton Academy Guess The Band From The Crowd Game' fail:
Guessed, Hot Chip; actually, TV On The Radio. Ballpark I think - bet they got lots of fanbase overlap.

Fred Zeppelin said...

Looks like someone needs some fresh domestiques. "Urgently strengthening" indeed.

dot org

wishiwasmerckx said...

So the ultimate modern transportation bike must be "flexible?" What the hell happened to lateral stiffness? Also, there is such a thing as too much vertical compliance, you know. You can get this annoying rebound effect when your bottom bracket bottoms out.

gentille alouette said...

Je t'expliquerai portage.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little disappointed that the peel sessions don't seem to include bananas.

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you think that you are pissed off that you crashed and ruined your $215.00 Assos bib shorts, wait til you crash and ruin your $3500.00 bespoke Rapha tweed suit.

Seanywonton said...

At a discount of 5 Euros or about $7 a pop, it would only take 79.85 trips to the Maison D'envie to justify the plane ticket from NYC to Berlin, which is going for about $559 round trip. Sign me up!

Steven said...

Sonb: Hwo's teh Crhis Knig Haedset Idnex lokoing tehse dyas? sI teh rceession oevr?

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...i believe the victorian pneumatic pumps came w/ a 'bottom' bracket attachment...those germans are noted to be incredible pervs...

bk jimmy said...

I wonder if the Whirlpoolangebot and the chalkbot would be friends?

mikeweb said...

hillbilly,

Thanks for reminding me to check out Schmalz.

Me and he go way back, though I haven't seen him in years.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

A chicken suit is equally at home on the bike or at the office.

Jason said...

"protracted investigation for his own dignity." -Thank you

Strayhorn said...

"Epic" is cycling-pretentious for "long and tedious."

Glad to know that as it's more crowd-friendly than my definition: "Ass-numbing."

Anonymous said...

Those wacky Germans and their scheisse aufspielen.

Anonymous said...

Always remember: keep vest and shirt on whilst penis pumping -- it shows modesty and respect to the serious nature of the activity, and, provides light but effective protection of the thorax and abdomen in case of sudden mechanical failure. Cap and shoes also encouraged (for obvious reasons).

Udder said...

Hey Portland and Rapha- the bike you are conducting your "Constructor's Design Challenge" to find already exists. It's called a commuter bike.

Maybe I should paint my 6 year old Specialized Sirrus hybrid with drop road bars, 30 mm tires, rack and fenders camo or black and call it a "Mistral" or "Brugges."

Anonymous said...

BSNYC is this one going to get you evicted from Bicycling? Where did I leave my pnuematic pump anyway?

Fred said...

Pneumatic pumps are for Freds. Any triathlete can tell you CO2 is the way to go.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1...if you're in my area today, you'll recognize me out on the roads...

...in celebration of 'bastille day', i'll be the one riding & wearing a beret, a horizontally striped sailors maillot a la francais, a neckerchief & carrying a crusty bagette...

...in case that's not bespoke enough, in a french manner, i'll paint on a sleazy thin little moustache & be singing "la marseillaise"...

..."Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arriv├ę !!!"
...

Duck22 said...

Sorry, not technical enough to be challenging.

Anonymous said...

Dear Rapha,

You owe the Wizard of Nottingham a suit. Now go rub/pump in traffic.

CommieCanuck said...

Bully! post today, Mr.Snob, simply bully! That Lancet article failed to warn against women cycling and the problem of excessive sexual stimulation during vigorous riding.

"Taking cold is to be guarded against, and is a likely result, unless an entire suit of wool is worn when riding, Winter and Summer."

The Ladies' Standard Magazine, April 1894.

But, I'm sure the real question on every one's minds is: does the penis pump come in a C02 cartridge version? I'll ask Lenny...

CommieCanuck said...

That would explain this, carved into a wooden rim on a penny farthing in a local museum:

"All you scorchers can imbibe my genitalia".

bikesgonewild said...

...i guess 'francais' MUST be the language of love if a german whorehouse, excuse me, brothel is named "maison d'envie"...

...& in defense of taxi drivers, i know cabbies in las vegas can make good money from the "working girls" by delivering customers to them...
...perhaps that "close call" we've all had on our bikes w/ a taxi is just the cabbie feeling his livelihood being threatened when he sees you pedaling towards your 5 euro discount at the local "maison d'envie"...

...just sayin'...

CommieCanuck said...

BGW..I too am celebrating Bastille Day. I plan to pick up a stick of butter and make love to a woman all day, we shall then enjoy a nice meal, several cigarettes, and a fine bottle of Bordeaux before we commit suicide.

Anonymous said...

bespoke:custom::colour:color

CommieCanuck said...

Damn..it's hard life in Berlin, 10 euros for a tongue kiss, but only 35 euros for taking the dirt road?

Why is there no time slot below 15 minutes? What ever happened to Teutonic efficiency?

bikesgonewild said...

...commiecanuk...don't be cheap & use a 'spread', now...the last thing you wanna hear before you die in an impassioned embrace is "i can't believe it's not butter !!!"...

CommieCanuck said...

dude..been there, done that, used Imperial Margarine once and that crown appeared out of nowhere. Very uncomfortable.

Anonymous said...

seen this...

http://66.196.80.202/babelfish/translate_url_content?.intl=fr&lp=fr_en&trurl=http%3a%2f%2fwww.fubiz.net%2f2009%2f07%2f02%2fbottle-clip%2f#more-34996

Luck E. Seven said...

Comment scorching, not quite the same as flaming.

So the winner of the OMDCCR gets a bespoke suit, which may be priced at $3500, but is actually only worth about $25, bespoking included.

BULL SHIT
SUIT FUCK

CASH ONLY
BUYS MINE

RIPN OFFA
LTTL GUY!



A

Las Vegas Cabbie said...

BGW, we try to take them to Catholic Mass or to the meeting of the local Mensa chapter, but somehow, they always want to go see the "working girls."

bikesgonewild said...

...las vegas cabbie...somehow, i can personally understand that reasoning...

kale said...

*Golf clap

red neckerson said...

mosta the time you fellers are funny

not today

must be all the dam french music they is playing on the radio except in viper all we gets is mexican radio dontcha know

sprider said...

Hey, chimney cleaners all look like Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins".
Feed the birds, two-pence, two-pence, I say, and a good day to dance on a rooftop! And they rode bicycles in the movie.

Anonymous said...

RTMS?

Jock Stirrup said...

Prostitution is legal in Rhode Island, FYI BSNYC.

And that was a poor use of the verb portage so I'm glad you called them on it.

I've portaged while on canoe trips, but never while carrying loads on my bicycle, unless you count carrying the loaded bike over a stream or something.

Thanks for continuing to blog and bring a little laughter and snobbery and more bike-related crap to my empty life.

PANTS said...

I like the chubby blonde modelle on the website.
Don't try and tell me you all didn't take a look too?

Anonymous said...

"Why is there no time slot below 15 minutes? What ever happened to Teutonic efficiency?"

My titfer is aloft, Sir.

Anonymous said...

did you catch cavs interview w armstrong today...he commented a few times about it smelling in armstrongs room
i think hincapie was thinking the same

theCrab said...

ugh. bikes as fashion.....

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/07/12/LVVR18IQ34.DTL&type=living

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck said...

Damn..it's hard life in Berlin, 10 euros for a tongue kiss, but only 35 euros for taking the dirt road?

Why is there no time slot below 15 minutes? What ever happened to Teutonic efficiency?


That 15 minutes includes undressing, cleaning up, and re-dressing, so I'd say that's quite efficient.

Anonymous said...

I have already been to that brothel in Berlin, but now that they are catering to those who live in Portland, I am worried--I have never been into boys.

Rapha's Epic! said...

I love the image of the bespoke Rapha suit wearing model astride a trendy Dutch city bike. Yikes! Lots of trendiness in that sentence, let alone the image itself. Anywho, every time I see that image, I can't help but wonder what a video version of the image might look like. I imagine a Rapha suit wearing model astride a trendy Dutch city bike furiously pedaling an insanely small gear, crawling along at 2 miles per hour, knees flailing, furiously struggling to hold some semblance of a line, with a grimace evocative of a man endeavoring to retain a big, wet turd in his colon. Oh well. If you can't be good, you may as well look good. Remember, go epic . . . or go home.

Anonymous said...

@ Jock Stirrup

". . .unless you count carrying the loaded bike over a stream or something."

Upon reading the rules of the contest and race, it turns out that is exactly what they mean; that the bike can be easily carried over obstacles.

And for what it's worth, "load" means a dinner suit, a glass bottle six pack and a bag of chips/crisps.

Fritz said...

After a roll in the hay with those German Hookers it might be wise to
break out the Strategic Decompression Suit

Luck E. Seven said...

Rapha's Epic! @ 2:01-

That's not a trendy Dutch City Bike. These are:
http://www.workcycles.com/workbike/bicycles/dutch-city-bikes.html

What appears in the NYT article with the bespoke-suited dandy is an Independent Fabrication Super Commuter, seen here:
http://www.ifbikes.com/OurBikes/Concept/Super_Commuter/



A

Fritz said...

this suit

Shiny Flu said...

Prenzlauer Mountain- hahaha. Sorry, it's just that I live in the said Prenzlauer Berg.

I would do a review on your behalf Snob, but for some reason the girlfriend is saying 'no- not even funny'.

southpole said...

wow, danziger strasse ... what a coincidence, i stayed just across the road last weekend. and that discount explains the massive queue of fixies i saw. and i thought the new competitor for "keirin berlin" had opened there.

justin said...

Biking in a suit...wow...

Jock Stirrup said...

Anon. 5:22


• The following “trials” relating to the Design Challenge are involved:
– A market checkpoint: pick up 1 glass-bottled sixpack of beverage to portage thru the race


^ Poor usage ATMO

– Section where the rider might portage the entire bike

^ Acceptable usage ATMO

"port" is apparently only rarely used for carrying weapons (rifles).

Redcaps are porters, not "portagers".

So transport might have been a better choice. I think BSNYC was right to call attention to the term although the term did that itself just being there.

Anyway... this is all just for discussion, I still understand what the promoters are going on about so I suppose everything is just fine.

And I think it's a great idea, so I support the event, even if it looks funny. Now to convince a pal to make a bike for it!

Anonymous said...

I call bullshit on the 'Dangers of Cycling' article. Sounds more like 21st century grammar disguised as 19th century grammar. Hoax.

Discount Mike said...

I should start biking... In the UK, there are discount offers for UK customers too, for sexy discounts go to http://www.myvouchercodes.co.uk/shop/53/Over-18s

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