Monday, June 8, 2009

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: "The Belle of the Ball Bearings" (A Musical)

As theater fans are well aware, yesterday was the [insert number here]th Annual Tony Awards. And as most cycling fans now know, the surprise winner for best play was five-time Tour de France winner Bernard "The Badger" Hinault's one man show, "Au Contraire," in which he rails against a world gone fou. Highlights from Hinault's performance include:

On whether the Tour is too hard: “The Tour is not too hard. It is necessary to stop complaining. Cycling is a hard profession, but it’s better than going to the factory. A racer who wins is never paid too much. If you really want to win, you fight until your last breath.”

On Armstrong’s comeback: “I hope he will not be there. Is he afraid of France? Nobody forced him to come, he only has to stay home! He cannot win the Tour. I hope that Contador gives him a beating.”


On doping: “The French have taken as much as the others. What is not normal is that they are not treated in the same manner as other sportsmen.”


On earpieces: “I am against them. It is just a ‘Game Boy’ that has a gigolo attached at the end telling the racer when to take a piss. With Guimard, we studied the map and the wind the morning before the stage.”


On Greg LeMond: “He was a good racer, but not an attacker. He was unable to make tactics by himself. In 1986, I kept my promise to help him win the Tour. Me? I just wanted to have fun!”


But Hinault also takes on more than just cycling in his curmudgeonly tour de force. Here are a few less-publicized quotes:

On North Korea: "I don't understand why everyone's giving them such a hard time. This world could use a little less freedom and a little more oppression. Kim Jong-il rules like I used to race: relentlessly, and with a slight pompadour."


On GM's bankruptcy: "What a bunch of sissies. They were on the right track with the Hummer. The public are sheep. If they're not buying your cars, make them buy your cars. As for the unions, it is necessary for them to stop complaining. Building SUVs is a hard profession, but it's better than going to the factory."

On Mickey Rourke's performance in "The Wrestler": "I don't see what all the fuss was about. That performance was lukewarm at best. Darren Aronofsky actually wanted me for the role but I turned him down because I didn't like the ending. I don't want to ruin it, but the wrestler dies. What a total loser."

On Dunkin' Donuts's new Waffle Breakfast Sandwich: "Surprisingly tasty."

However, while Hinault's show may be the toast of Broadway (I'm sure he's browbeating a waiter at Sardi's as I type this), there's another bicycle-themed production that was tragically overlooked. In fact, I didn't even know it existed until late last week. I am of course referring to Elizabeth Battersby's one-woman musical, "The Belle of the Ball Bearings," which is currently playing at The Theater for the New City at 155 1st Avenue in Manhattan. Here is the description:

In BELLE OF THE BALL BEARINGS you can ride your bike to the theater and not worry about locking it outside. In fact, you can keep your eye on it during the show; it'll be parked onstage and made part of the set. The show is inspired by Ms. Battersby's life experience as a bike racer, bike shop owner, bike messenger, and soul mate to everyone who lives life on two wheels.

Elizabeth Battersby sets her musical in 1995, "When computers were just coming in and New York City was a little more interesting." She portrays unique and memorable personalities that include Bike Mechanics, Bicycle messengers, an Irish Grandmother, a Mom, a Rabbi, and a Veteran. The show combines a rock band with added percussion, including the bicycle tools.


"Each brake pad, each sprocket - has it's own story!"



While any sensible person would read this and resolve to stay as far away from the theater as possible, as someone who has made it his life's work to probe the unseemliest recesses of cycling "culture" I knew right away that I had to see this production. This was extremely unfortunate for the person who alerted me to the show, as she had expected me to laugh it off but was instead forced to accompany me. And so it was that within hours of learning of the existence of a bicycle-themed musical we were on our way to the Theater for the New City to see it:



When it comes to art, I endeavor to approach any new work with an open mind. However, I must confess that as we approached the theater I felt very much like I was entering a burning building from which everybody else was fleeing. This sensation only grew stronger as I studied the poster:

Few words are more horrifying when used together than "Bike Shop Musical." It's a phrase almost as off-putting as "Do Not Enter," "Danger of Death," or "Sun Dried Tomatoes." I knew I would need to fortify myself, but we only had a few minutes until the show began, and there was only one bar close enough to the theater affording us ample time to bolster our resolve:


Yes, that is indeed the Coyote Ugly saloon, basis of the 2000 feature film of the same name. Now, I'd never been to the Coyote Ugly, nor had I seen the film, so I figured that if the place had been the basis of an actual movie it couldn't be all that bad. Naturally, I was mistaken:

If anything, you should probably avoid visiting places that have been the basis for an eponymous feature film. The Titanic is a good example of this. You should also expect to spend way too much money. Despite the fact that it was still happy hour along most of the Eastern seaboard, a brace of name-brand whiskeys at Coyote Ugly relieved me of a brace of sawbucks:

Now, I should point out that I don't count pennies when I'm entertaining, and I'm fully appreciative of the fact that one should expect to spend a bit extra when going to the theater. Also, in some establishments you're not paying for the drink; rather, you're paying for the surroundings. However, it's hard not to feel slightly indignant when those surroundings consist mostly of a curtain of dirty bras:

By the way, there are signs in Coyote Ugly which forbid photography on penalty of a fine. As such, I took these photos surreptitiously, though at the same time I felt entitled to snap a few pictures since I had essentially already paid a hefty fine at the bar. Also, it's a good thing I was wearing my Vittorias, since their proven bathroom traction allowed me to remain sure-footed when I visited the urinal:


After we finished our drinks and I did a little jig on the bar in a wet t-shirt, we headed over to the theater, which contained an anteroom being employed as a large art gallery. At this point, I felt like I was in a dentist's waiting room, since I had a bad feeling I was not only about to endure an hour of pain, but was also paying for the privilege:


Once through the gallery, a Fuji poster alerted us to the location of the theater itself:


And here's the set, which as you can see is in fact a reasonable facsimile of a bike shop:


As we waited for the show to begin, we studied the program and contemplated the list of songs we were about to endure:



We also read about the show's writer and star:



Sufficiently assured of Ms. Battersby's "street cred," I took a closer look at the set. Props included not only a fixed-gear bicycle:


But also a p-far:


The playwright Anton Chekhov (or was it Dmitri Fofonov?) famously said, ""If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." I assumed Ms. Battersby was familiar with this quote, so I wondered how these particular items would be employed, and what sort of grisly tragedy they might portend.

Speaking of portentous, here's the band, whose keyboardist backed Ms. Battersby on vocals and sounded almost exactly like Mr. G from "Summer Heights High:"



After we were briefed on the location of the fire exits (I had to restrain my reluctant accomplice for making off towards the nearest one at this point) and instructed not to take photos without the permission of the producers (an instruction I chose to disregard) the play began. Some patter ambiguously conveyed that Ms. Battersby's primary character, Bobby, was some kind of third-generation family bike shop owner and spinster, after which she launched into "I Fix Things," an ebullient number about how she fixes things. As she sang, she also pretended to, well, fix things. It was at this point that Ms. Battersby's earnestness coupled with the absurdity inherent in the idea of a bike shop musical caused me to shift awkwardly in my seat and to avert my gaze, since even though I was all the way in the back of the theater I was still pretty close to Ms. Battersby and I was afraid that if I met her eye I might start laughing. This would have been a terrible thing, as I had no intention whatsoever of embarrassing Ms. Battersby. Moreover, she seemed more than capable of embarrassing herself.

Fortunately, my facial muscles relaxed and I eventually settled in. For the third number, Ms. Battersby took the metaphorical Chekhovian rifle off the wall by grabbing the fixed-gear and singing "Streetwise:"


Streetwise was a song about Bobby's messenger days, and Ms. Battersby straddled the fixed-gear bicycle and mimed riding through traffic by rocking it back and forth as she sang:

By now I was beginning to find Ms. Battersby's unfettered enthusiasm endearing, though at the same time the fact is that watching bike messengering rendered in musical form is exactly what you'd think it would be: cringe-inducing. "Quicksilver" seems like a documentary in comparison.

On the other hand, "Spinning Rabbi," which Ms. Battersby sings in the "Uncle Rabbi" character (complete with Yiddish accent), was supposed to be funny, and to my profound relief it actually was:


Less humorous was "How Do You Explain," a heavy-handed number in which Grandma Penny Farthing (note the shawl) sings of the empowerment women gained from bicycling at the turn of the 20th century. Yes, "The Bell of the Ball Bearings" is that ambitious. Needless to say, the second Chekhovian rifle was fired here:

By the time the Bobby character implies she may have killed a teenage girl visiting from the midwest while out on a messenger run in the song "14th Street Union Square," I was positively reeling, since it was now clear Ms. Battersby was going to leave no melodramatic stone unturned. I assume "The Belle of the Ball Bearings" is a work of fiction, but if it is indeed based on fact then this revelation certainly adds a whole new dimension to the play. Either way, though, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching someone trying to work their way through some emotional issues. Then again, I get that feeling from pretty much any musical, so most likely the problem lies with me.

In any case, I sincerely applaud Elizabeth Battersby for having the courage to mount such an ambitious and uninhibited performance. I also applaud her creativity and admire her obvious commitment to providing entertainment. Sure, it turned out in the end that a bike shop musical is exactly as absurd as you'd think it would be, but that's certainly not for Ms. Battersby's lack of trying. Of course, one could argue that it's because of Ms. Battersby's efforts that the play is absurd, but I disagree. When it comes to bike shop musicals, I would argue that absurdity is the only possible outcome.


94 comments:

Anonymous said...

donkey

Matthew Baldwin said...

Podium

Never Knows Best said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

podium!

Mr Donkey said...

The Donkey is back!!

thealphastate said...

podium?

Never Knows Best said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ringcycles said...

Hammond 2 days in a row! Pseudo-epic.

Seanywonton said...

David Byrne tonight!

ken e. said...

that pesky donkey!

mikepoole said...

top 10?

mikepoole said...

arrgh!

rezado said...

leisurely pace

s. youknowwho said...

If you white men want some rich cultural heritage you can kiss my fine brown ass.

Anonymous said...

BOO-YA!

hillbilly said...

as one who is about to be in a waiting room for a root canal, i thank you, all of a sudden that sounds pleasant when compared to your evening.

Mr Donkey said...

Here is a picture of me training this past weekend. Training pays off. Thanks Bike Training Bible (1st Donkey Edition).

ant1 said...

What an ass!

ant1 said...

I saw the greatest colorway ever this weekend. Frame was camo, deep vs and grips were safety orange. The world's first hipster/redneck collabo. Only in Georgia.

Other Side of the GW said...

Sounds like a painful evening was had by all. Yucko on the Vittorias at the Coyote Ugly urinal. I don't think I'd ever touch them again after that. Maybe you can donate them to the Ball Bearing Belle Bonanza way, way, way, way off Broadway.

grog said...

Absurdity is the only possible outcome.

Anonymous said...

I've been to NYC only once, for a stag party weekend. Sadly I was "dragged"* to the Coyote Ugly TWICE in 48 hours. I can't believe that you failed to mention the horrible stench present in the bar.

It is incidentally the only time I've ever drank PBR, as it was on special (buck a can, I recall).

I'd say I will never go back there, but I also said that the first time.

*Note regarding use of the word "dragged". I was not actually dragged there, but I found it impossible to defeat the social gravity associated with the momentum of a dozen other grown men, flown in from various international locations for the occasion.

A. said...

why was Poison at the Tony awards?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dA-AL90_RE

g said...

wow. just wow.

kz said...

snob --

It's about time to short the PistaDex...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/08/nyregion/08trustafarians.html

Even Raddich said...

to "A".

i believe the tony's were a complicated plot against bret michael's life. sadly they failed to guess the exact tensile strength of his protective straw hat. he survived the attempt.

speed

Luck E. Seven said...

Sounds like a new personal best for Beth Battersby.


A

Mr. G said...

Slap the butcher!

Anonymous said...

any bar, even the coyote, should be loved and utilized before a musical, and before entering a mall. there were plenty of times I would have loved to have even the coyote. I say this never having been inside. was the show a 'tour de force'?

Paul Bowen said...

If I was in NY I would definitely go to this show!

Seanywonton said...

Hey Ant, did that bike have a gun rack on the back? If not, it was just for a "posi" redneck.

Dave said...

When I visit my daughter later this year, I may have to rethink my desire to have her secure tickets to the Colbert Report - tour de force before tour de farce.

Mr. G said...

Check out the stem on this fine Roadmaster. He wants to trade it for a "Jap" bike.

http://greensboro.craigslist.org/bik/1210832691.html

Anonymous said...

As a bike messenger I shall attend the legitamite theatrical show you have so kindly reviewed. I shall go brakeless.

ant1 said...

Seany - I did not see a gun rack, nor where there any trucksticles hanging below the seat. I'm not quite ready to accept your "posi" claim, however. If only there were someone with expertise in all things redneck around here to help settle the question...

Ryan said...

I'm naming my band "Chekov's Rifle."

southpole said...

if we're unlucky, there may be a "Coyote Ugly II" bar, soon:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/vindictive_movie_studio_threatens

(actually, there are already more of those than you can shake an empty PBR can at in every small town around the world. not sure what one is doing in NYC)

Banger said...

"My guess is that powdered glass in not a good lubricant."
-B.L.

bk jimmy said...

Going by the olde-timey-ness of the program, shouldn't it be "Balle Bearings"?

Bahh, I just can't keep up with these steampunk kids, and their brass lamps, and their disaffected Canadian music.

Critical Ass said...

I'll give you $5 for the water bottle

g said...

For the record, Mr. G is not my father. And, I have had the distinct pleasure of going to a bar in Chelsea (I think) called Hogs and Heffers where they not only hang bras from the ceiling, insult you, over charge you and never clean the bathrooms, but they also periodically set the bar top on fire and jump around like idiots. To top it all off, we managed to get there during fleet week.
[shudder]

Anonymous said...

sounds like bikesnob is competent when it comes to dealing with the "Something different" experience even though "Something different" becomes "Twilight Zone". I hear Williams-burg is starting to realize it was experiencing its own "Twilight Zone" and actual reality is going to illuminate with harsh light

red neckerson said...

ill get on it but im researching at the pubic libary right this minite

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Just reading the bio brought a tear to my eye and some semi-digested lunch to the back of my throat.

"The two most important people in her life are, her ever so talented coach and beautiful husband, Charles."

I would amend it to "The two most important people in her life are her ever so talented coach and her beautiful husband, Charles."

Are you addressing me? My name is not Charles.

Seanywonton said...

As I was typing "Posi" I realized how much more it sounds like something you have than something you are...ugh.

kale said...

All I want to say is this - thank god there's no Bicycle Theater Festival.

Mr Donkey said...

"Actual reality is going to illuminate with harsh light" because the trustafarians are loosing their main source of income; their parents. I wonder what impact this will have on the PistaDex or the number of fake messengers.

"For 18 months after graduating from Colby College, Jack Drury, 24, lived the way many Williamsburg residents do: He followed his passions, working in satellite radio and playing guitar. He earned money as a bicycle messenger and, on occasion, turned to his parents for money.

But as the recession deepened last fall, his parents had to cut the staff at their event planning company to 30 workers from 50. Asked for his help, Mr. Drury cast aside his other pursuits and started work as a project manager for his parents. But he still plays the guitar in two bands, Haunted Castle and Rats in the Walls. “My future is in the family business,” he said. “Music is just for fun.”"

The sound of weeping can be heard along the great hipster silk route or, perhaps, the great hipster trail of tears.

Surly Bastard said...

I think you may have unintentionally spawned (palped?) a new theatrical genre with your review Snob. My guess we'll soon (rubbing?) more reviews on production such as:

"Fixster on Roof" starring Letleviride as Tevye with a special appearance of Ms. Battersby as Yente.

Plus:

"Lil'Abner, a Southern Cycling Absurdist Musical" featuring Red Neckerson, Ricky and Jolene as your favorite Al Capp characters.

jolene said...

so i seed this squirel thother day all up in a treehole he stuck his hed out and sed to me hey jolene whare can i get me my nuts busted this shits here is hard on my tooths

well i tolt his gray ass to get back to work cus nobody nowhere helped me with my shit sept lord jesus and that guy gerald who helps me fill my tires down at the 76 and give me a lift to the walmart the time my chaine broke so thats what i think and if yous an artstist you think that lifes just gonna turn out great and you think the worlds sposed to piss brandy and puke biscuts and grayvy then you got some surprises coming to you maybe

i now this cus i went to school to and look i caint get me no cadilac or no lobster shake or whatever i jus remeber when things was differnt is all boy howdy

headlongintomyownurine said...

Man, I'm going to get some of those Vittorios. I HATE it when I lose traction in the bathroom.

ant1 said...

mmmm, biscuits and gravy.

poet who didn't know it said...

i've got a few bike musical scores i'm trying to put the finishing touches on. 'victor,vittorias' is the story of a poet and his pee stained shoes. 'flatelot' '42nd place' and 'the wiz' all choreograph my distinquished racing career. there's one starring mario cippolini,'the lion king stole my girl' and finally my tale of pain and anquish working in a european bike shop,'little shop of cotter pinned bottom bracket horrors'.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

so Snob, you convinced Seanywonton to wear a dress as your date?

Anonymous said...

One of Sheldon Brown's 1960 Schwinn Paramount fixed gears is now available on ebay.

Anonymous said...

No, no, Mr G, he "had the handlebars raised" - that there is a pro-fessional job!

ringcycles said...

Snobbie: Perhaps you can get Sir A. Lloyd Weber to do a collabo of "Rent" and his (worst work) "Starlight Express". Instead of roller skates, freestyle fixed gear riding! It would be the first hipster rock opera! I expect you to get front row seats when it opens. Personally, I'll jsut read your review from up here in the sticks. I applaud you for going to such places and "events". I would cringe to the point of kvetching were it me.

Anonymous said...

In reference to Coyote Ugly, some folks may remember the original Village Idiot used to be across the street next to Downtown Beirut...

And when was there ever a family run bike shop in Williamsburg?

Anonymous said...

Manson family run bike shops count too...

Anonymous said...

oh dammit, i couldnt find any kinda video link for him, but by far the best bicycle musical ever put on was "58 - A Comedy About Bike Messengessengering" by Tony Mendoza. (here's a link to an old myspace page for it http://www.myspace.com/messenger58 )Tony used to work as a bike messenger in Chicago, and the play is all about his time in the industry. And its fucking hilarious. His band, "lets get out of this terrible sandwich shop" helps out with some of the songs, and the highlight of the show for me was the song, "Bike Lane." I've searched the web and can't find the lyrics to it, but i'm pretty sure you could find the song on itunes. Oh it was really a hell of a show. Especially if you've ever worked as a courier in chicago.

washeduptmobilerider said...

I am also trying to live life on two wheels. ''and soul mate to everyone who lives life on two wheels''. So far dishes and laundry are the most chellenging. I will be in the NYC area next week and plain on riding the opposite way [bike salmon] in every bike lane I can find. This is clearly a desperate attempt to make it on your blog. Do they have any small children on craigs list I could strap to the handle bars.

Anonymous said...

Tyler Hamilton bashing guy sez;

Today I had my mind blown. Just before BSNYC's piece in the latest issue of Bicycling there is a piece about Tyler Hamilton. His suffering from 'depression' is promenently mentioned in the piece?

So if 'suffering from depression' excuses cheating to obtain an Olympic TT Medal and keeping that medal then it should stand to reason that Charles Manson should be excused for his crimes because he suffers from 'depression'?

David MIllar got caught doping and did his time and returned to cycling clean. What is it about we americans that makes us so high and mighty that we cannot admit guilt? Ever!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Millar

Anonymous said...

make that ' promenently'


Tyler Hamilton bashing guy.

Meg said...

I want to see it!

Luck E. Seven said...

Sounds like a new personal best for Jolene.


A

db said...

I know what Lance's Twitter reaction was to the Hinault interview ("What a wanker. Five Tour de France wins doesn't buy you any common sense.") But I'm alarmed at Dennis Hopper's Twitter silence...

Anonymous said...

But winning seven does? Speaking of wankers...

Anonymous said...

I still skip red and jolene but not as quickly as before. this whole 'comments' thing just spirals in on itself. ever try to splain it to anybody else?

jim t said...

I got the AC in my Porsche for $20! Top Gear!

hackneyed sojourn said...

Jolene, you're beautiful.

red neckerson said...

ill tell you what i aint never gots nothing from jolene that they couldnt treat the the pubic hellth department

her shit dont stink thats what im saying

and to the fellers that is badmouthing my comments

dont go on no canu trips becos i might make you go wheeeeeeeeeeeee

Jeff Bernard said...

I still cannot fill Hinault's shoes...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lucky there were no wet leaves in the Coyote Ugly men's room, huh?

Anonymous said...

Protip: Shimano SPD Wellies.

Anonymous said...

///this whole 'comments' thing just spirals in on itself. ever try to splain it to anybody else?///

lol... so true!

Anonymous said...

Wet dog comes to mind...

CommieCanuck said...

Ugh, that show is still likely 100X better than the typical shit on Broadway. I once had to sit through Martin Short in, "the Goodbye Girl".

I was misinformed that he was doing the whole show as Ed Grimley Jr., however, the resulting show just made me mental, I must say.

My Game Boy has this strange guy telling me when to urinate.

CommieCanuck said...

By the way, Hinault and Lemond are starring in an off-broadway production if "Les Cage aux Folles".

and by off broadway, I mean a barge on the Hudson river.

Udder said...

What's next? The Phantom of the Orbea? Annie Get Your Bike? Grease? Little Bike Shop of Horrors?

Anonymous said...

""Lil'Abner, a Southern Cycling Absurdist Musical" featuring Red Neckerson, Ricky and Jolene as your favorite Al Capp characters."

You mean as a small herd of Shmoos?

CommieCanuck said...

"SNOB: the Musical"

Featuring the triumphant return of Lemmy Kilmister to Broadway. Artfully choreographed, beautiful artistic score by Thurston Moore.

"a fixed gear Tour Day Force". --NY Times

"Arrogant cyclists have run me over with this show"--Andrea Peyser, NY Post.

"Meh." --Buycycling Magazine.

Anonymous said...

Seany,

GM made a rear differential called the "positraction." I've heard people boast "she's got a posi rear," speaking of their cars. a "posi" rear sounds like a pretty severe condition to me!

Anonymous said...

methinks "Quicksilver" might very well have been a documentary except that they forgot to mention that it was set in 2009 instead of 1986. Maybe life imitating art.

walt said...

it's weird that i knew exactly what that woman would look like before i saw her picture.

Anonymous said...

it's a shame you can't be funny without being a dick.

Anonymous said...

Ah, theater folk, you gotta love 'em...

Dick Van dyke said...

anon 12:26: dicks are funny.

Unless you're Andy Dick.

Anonymous said...

that play sounds awful. what a load of toffee rot.

CommieCanuck said...

toffee rot? can you say that on the internet?

Anonymous said...

Dick,

But you're a dick named Dick, and you're not funny. Not too convincing.

ryan said...

I very rarely laugh out loud from things I see on the computer, but I spit all over my arm/keyboard when I saw the picture right after "
Streetwise was a song about Bobby's messenger days, and Ms. Battersby straddled the fixed-gear bicycle and mimed riding through traffic by rocking it back and forth as she sang:"

Also, I never read the comments here, because there's always a hundred of them by the time I see the entry, but it turns out the people that post them are equally as lame or worse than the people you mock.

Anonymous said...

"I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching someone trying to work their way through some emotional issues."

um, isn't that what theater (or a rock show, or an opera) is supposed to be?

maybe it's done badly, but the presence of emotional issues per se doesn't seem like the problem.

Eggplant Mike said...

What I want to know is why the hell bathroom floors are always wet!? What is up with that?

http://inebriatedpiss.blogspot.com/2009/03/elbo-room-in-s.html

Anonymous said...

she came in too drunk to do the show

she was dressed in red patent leather

very 'im in a band' with knee pads

she lay down and writhed around on the ground

shouting the poetic truths of high school journal keepers

sspeier said...

Bikurious at 13
full fledged Byke at 26