Monday, April 20, 2009

Courting Danger: The Contrivance of Safety

In the comments to last Friday's post, I was admonished by a commenter for my use of "off color" references and "bathroom humor," though he was kind enough to say that I was "witty." He felt the "off color" references interfered with the blog, but I personally feel "highbrow" and "lowbrow" go nicely together. This is why I read The New Yorker, but only in the lavatory. As it happens, I recently found myself doing just that when I came across an article about Alain Robert:


If you don't know who Alain Robert is, he's that guy who climbs skyscrapers without using safety equipment, and he's known as "The French Spider-Man." Please note that he should not be confused with Gilberto Simoni, who was "The Italian Spider-Man:"



Or with Dr. Milton R. Spiderman, DDS, who's simply a dentist, and whose daughter just had her Bat Mitzvah:


(Spider-Man slings webs, Dr. Spiderman slings floss.)

I haven't finished the article yet (though I'm sure I will since I don't think it will be the last time I visit the bathroom) but I've already learned that the type of climbing Robert does is called "free-soloing:"

"Free-soloing" is the mountaineer's term for climbing alone, without implements or ropes, and Robert is one of perhaps a few dozen dedicated practitioners in the world. "Free-soloing is a very elite, esoteric subdivision for obvious reasons--you fall, you die," Matt Samet, the editor of Climbing, said. It is an aesthetic pursuit, with a moral basis: dying, full-heartedly, is better than a half-assed life. To Robert, safety contrivances are a form of bondage, and the prerogative of self-reliance distinguishes man from marionettes. "I am not a circus animal, not a puppet, but a rock climber who has consciously chosen freedom!"

I would have leaped to my feet in amazement upon reading this passage, but, well, I was in the bathroom. However, I still felt the moment needed to be punctuated somehow, so I simply flushed the toilet as sort of an exclamation point. The reason for my amazement was that the explanation for "free-soloing" is very much like the explanation people give for fixed-gear cycling. After all, riding a fixed-gear is "a Zen thing." Take this "classic" article from way back in 2000. Here are some quotes:

The "track bike" or "fixed-gear bike" is famous among bicycle aficionados for giving its rider a serene, concentrated feeling of unbroken connectedness with everything.

I was intrigued by the reviewer's cautious tones, warning that "suicidal New York bike messengers" like to ride these bikes with no brakes in the street. I was hooked!

I remember how I came to take the front caliper brake off after a year of practice. It was almost a mystical experience...one day I had a deep insight, an out-of-body experience like a flowering realization -- I was watching myself riding and feeling how it was to negotiate on the bike without the brake. It culminated in a very natural and positive feeling of, "I can do this!"

And that was written by a Ph.D., so you know it's true. If you're still not convinced, he even includes testimonials from other riders, like this one:

Riding a track bike is a totally Zen-like experience. You are in total contact with the bike, the road, and everything around you. A track bike is cycling stripped down to its barest essentials.

--Brian Dorfmann, Programmer at a large Manhattan law firm

As tempted as I am to discount Mr. Dormann's testimonials by saying that when you spend your days as a programmer at a large Manhattan law firm even mundane things like making a sandwich or purchasing coffee filters probably seem exhilarating and consciousness-raising in comparison, but the fact is that people from all walks of life continue to cite the very same thing to this day. Moreover, just like "safety contrivances are a form of bondage" in free-soloing, so are they in fixed-gear riding:



So "free-soloing" is basically the brakeless fixed-gear cycling of climbing. And now that brakeless fixed-gear cycling finally has its own anthem (by a band that just happens to have "Spider" in the name), it has officially been elevated to a rolling metaphor and a political statement. Does this mean that people like Brian Dorfmann will now have the courage to cast off their corporate shackles, heave their computers through the windows of their skyscraper prisons (hopefully without inadvertently causing any French climbers who may be clinging to the building to go plummeting to their deaths), and take to the streets in order to make the world a better place? The answer is almost assuredly "No." People have been riding brakeless for a long time now--even longer than they've been recording derivative "punk" songs--and if anything people have only grown more desperate to conform. However, I certainly wouldn't underestimate this song's power to make someone like Brian Dorfmann write a sternly-worded vacation request to his supervisor.

Still, we all want that liberating feeling of danger, and some people get it from climbing buildings without using safety equipment. However, not only is that tremendously difficult, but it's dangerous. Really dangerous. Like "certain death if you mess up" dangerous. On the other hand, riding a brakeless track bike is a little more dangerous than riding a regular bike with brakes, which is to say, in the grand scheme of dangerous things, it's only slightly dangerous. And that's why everyone wants to do it now. Basically, riding a brakeless fixed-gear is only a little more dangerous than walking around with your shoes untied, though it's a little less dangerous than riding a Vespa. So as long as there are people like The French Spider-Man out there you might as well just drop the pretense and put a brake on, since your bike will work a lot better and you're not really fooling anybody anyway.

But not everybody is trying to reject "safety contrivances" in the name of true freedom. This photo, forwarded by a reader, shows that some people have decidedly more prosaic motivations. Not only that, but they also announce them plainly on their front wheels:

("I only do it for the hipster pussy")

Hey, whatever works for you.

So in a complicated world where rebellion is conformity, irony is sincerity, and omitting "safety contrivances" on your bicycle in order to rebel is in itself a contrived act, out-and-out marketing is almost a relief. That's why once I was finished in the bathroom I went online and checked out the Sea Otter product coverage, where I was excited to see this:



Rumors have long been circulating that the SRAM Corporation was going to try to enter the fiercely competitive sandwich-making market, but this is the first time we've seen actual proof that a SRAM deli slicer is about to "drop." Clearly, they're not just sticking a toe in the sandwich water either. Instead, they're going in with both barrels blazing, and it looks like they're going to mix things up as aggressively as I just mixed metaphors. The new SRAM deli slicer incorporates a hydraulic lever which modulates the speed of the blade as well as a quick release for easy lunchtime rush blade changes, and it is compatible with meats, cheeses, and even vegetables and bread. It remains to be seen if SRAM will be able to compete with industry giant Hobart--especially at this price point--but if they're successful we're almost certain to see a more affordable Rival version later in the season.

Meanwhile, speaking of competition and sandwich meats, a scandal erupted during the final stage of the Presidential Tour of Turkey when track sensation Theo Bos appeared to grab the yellow jersey of Daryl Impey and throw him into the barriers like a hurried deli worker throws a new Boar's Head ham into a Hobart deli slicer. You can see the shocking video here:



Naturally, each rider claims the other is at fault, but even if Bos did do it intentionally I would not expect him to be sanctioned by the UCI in any way since while flinging someone into the barriers may be cheating, it isn't drug-related cheating.

And closer to home, the "hipsters" of Williamsburg seem to be emulating their track idols by taking each-other down as well:



BIKE ACCIDENT NEAR MCCARREN PARK (THURS.) - 37 (WILLIAMSBURG)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-19, 9:47AM EDT

I'M LOOKING FOR THE GENTLEMAN WHO CRASHED INTO MY BIKE WITH HIS BIKE AND DESTROYED MY FRONT RIM IN THE EARLY AFTERNOON ON 4/16 AT BERRY AND N.14TH.

NO HARD FEELINGS. WE BOTH AGREE, HOWEVER,THAT YOU WERE AT FAULT.

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD CONTACT ME AND PAY FOR THE DAMAGES. MY NEW RIM COST $65. DO THE RIGHT THING. IT WAS A MISTAKE FOR US NOT TO ADDRESS THE IDEA THAT YOU SHOULD PAY FOR DAMAGES.

THANKS.

MY NAME IS LUCAS AND I LIVE IN WILLIAMSBURG.

Sadly, it does not appear that restitution will be forthcoming:




Bike Accident (The Park)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-04-19, 10:08AM EDT


Hey Lucas,


Hope all is going well, however I've changed my mind.

I don't agree. I NEVER did!

I now believe YOU are responsible for that accident!

You want to squeeze me for $65??

You'll have better success squeezing blood from a stone!

The "mistake" was ever getting mixed up with you in the first place!

BUZZ OFF!


P.S. - No hard feelings.


I'm sure someone will recommend that the victim take the opportunity to upgrade to the new Velocity Chukker.

But it's not all acrimony out there. There's also some lust:




girl on bike crossing bridge - m4w - 25
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-04-17, 1:43AM EDT


to the girl on the fixed gear bike riding confidently across the bridge.

i did not mean to come wizzing by like some pretentious punk, but it was just that i was to close to you because i was starring at you every so shapely ass with the lovely thong not covering your creamy white buttocks. so you see when you slowed down with all right to be doing so, i had to pass you. bummer for me, great for you.


cuz really who wants a dirty boy to admire there lovely ass


While poor Lucas seems to have encountered Theo Bos, it seems that this poor woman may have been a victim of the dreaded "Milf Hunter:"


I'm not sure why this woman was cycling across the bridge in a thong, since they're certainly far from ideal cycling apparel. (Though maybe you'd be comfortable in a thong on a Dutch city bike, since according to their proponents it's apparently impossible to be uncomfortable on a Dutch city bike.) However, there is precedence for the thong as cycling apparel:

Please note that I've duly Larry Kingified and sepia-toned this image in deference to Friday's commenter, though you can also see the unadulterated version here. Personally, though, I think this one's far more offensive. And while they both make you want to go to the bathroom, it's for totally different reasons.

100 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

mikeweb said...

Yabbo!

Ronsonic said...

You're late

WheelDancer said...

Woot

Anquetil's Mother said...

Podium!

JDogg said...

Top 5?

Anquetil's Mother said...

Damn kids.

Luck E. Seven said...

High on danger...


A

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

haussler

Slappy said...

ahh almost top ten

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Lantern Rouge said...

Holy smokes. Everybody just waiting for this or what?

mikeweb said...

Snobbie,

like yourself, I also read the New Yorker in my aprtment's "Library". As long as it doesn't replace the TP therein, all is fine.

I skipped that building climber article in favor of the Florida/Burmese python article. It made me even happier that I don't live there.

Anonymous said...

Same time as lead group?

tom said...

Pack filler

mikeweb said...

Wow that punk-lite song really sucks hard.

Had to say it - sorry for the PG-13 rating.

Anquetil's Mother said...

Good thing that SRAM deli slicer doesn't have a chain.

Mongo Pusher said...

Kreuziger!

Wrench Monkey said...

IODI FTHP

Anonymous said...

April 20, 2009 2:12 PM
Blogger mikeweb said...

I skipped that building climber article in favor of the Florida/Burmese python article. It made me even happier that I don't live there.
Amen. Burmese pythons are just reason #1,004,309 why Florida should just be sawed off at the state border, forcibly ejected from the Union, and left to drift off into the Atlantic.

Anonymous said...

yeah but its confusing because it also says "fuck your bike" on that rim. So hipster pussy = their bikes?

Astroluc said...

top 30! (hey, I gotta look on the bright-side of things ;)

Paul Bowen said...

The hell is that deli slicer thing anyway?

ringcycles said...

MILF's on road bikes? Is this Giant-Specialz-Trekn'Dales new marketing ploy to middle aged, middle income, too much across the middle men? Get a Madone and you'll be sexy for the yummy mummies?

Anonymous said...

It's like one of those tiny display tents they use at stores to sell full sized camping supplies.

red neckerson said...

they tolt me if i messed with them hippie chicks fixie babes id have to go to the pubic hellth department at hazard and gets me some bicyclovir

Anonymous said...

It is unfortunate to see the previously excellent squat punk band Team Spider jump on such an awful trend. Previous incarnations of the Crack Rocksteady 7 have been excellent (Choking Victim, Leftover Crack, etc). What a bad day in CRS7 history.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

was that the Bouncing Souls?

Anonymous said...

"leave free or fucking diiiiiiiie-hiiiii. I saw it once, on a liiiii-cense plate"

Anonymous said...

q - whats the difference between hitting hipster pussy and a hitting a breakless track bike?

a - the rash from the bike will go away eventually.

Anonymous said...

KARA GOUCHER IS HOT!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

a: the bike is sober?

a: the bike doesn't have a useless art degree?

a: the bike would feel shame about its appearance if it could?

TheTye said...

The first couple of lines from this video really reminds me of the first 20 or so comments on here every day:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

TheTye said...

Also, I really like the ROFL-copter part. It made me really happy

gay israel said...

As a deli employee and cyclist I am quite "stoaked" to "rock" the new SRAM slicer all over some coned beef.

Anonymous said...

coned beef? is that from smug cows?

RB1 said...

Coffee filters ? Yucky.

grog said...

You're not truly low-brow unless you have training wheels on your toilet. What you slinging there son?

ant1 said...

I wish girls where I live rode in thongs. I had to look at a bike shorts covered ass on my Saturday ride. Fine ass it was, by the way, if you rode a red Lemond between SM and Decatur on Saturday, thanks for the beautiful scenery!

Sorry, that turned out a little too missed connections-y. I wish more thongs were worn by girls on bikes was all I was trying to say.

streepo said...

Bos 1st!!

Rantwick said...

If the pros do it... so can I! The next time somebody slows me down I'm throwing them to the rail! Yeah! Would they have to be wearing yellow?

Rantwick said...

ant1 has the best blog EVER!

ant1 said...

Thanks Rantwick! It's nice to get a little recognition for all my hard work.

frilly said...

Antoine, there's a reason why girls on bikes don't wear thongs.

Anonymous said...

Does 'eh ever get updated ???

ant1 said...

Frilly - I'm sure there is, but a boy can dream.

TheTye said...

I was at the Sea Otter this weekend and there were hundreds of booths pitching subtle variations on all the same junk.
Saw a very funny booth for a "Rebellious" tough guy product line that had giant Pabst posters up but were giving out samples of sport drink instead.
Also, I was horrified(but not surprised)to see the countless Gigantic shiny trucks that people have to tote their bikes to a biking event

jolene said...

i ware no draws when i ride and i get no more tension then if i do ware a thong but on spring brake i shore did get some tension with my thong song dance

Ronsonic said...

That Theo Bos thing !?!?!?! WTF, Over?

The pull down move was definitely a sacrifice play if intended. Which sorta makes me think it wasn't intended. Taking one for the team only goes so far. But then he's a track guy and they're generally batshit.

OTOH, who the hell reaches out and grabs another rider when he's going down. Hanging onto another rider and his attached bike while falling has never been known to improve the situation. You will still crash just in a bigger and more injurious tangle.

It isn't like a track sprinter doesn't have experience in bad situations either. They crash plenty.

This is just weird and stupid.

Seanywonton said...

I agree with climbing editor Matt Samett.

As a former climber, I can vouch that climbing gear does work great for bondage too. No other industry produces an ass-less harness that is rated to such a high tensile strength!

ice cube said...

If Florida drifted off into the great blue they would become stronger than we ever imagined! Imagine the Island of Dr.Moreau!!!

Cone of beef said...

beef cone
http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/06/17/shawarma.jpg
hipster beef cone
http://austinist.com/2009/03/31/foodoir_photography_mighty_cone_bee.php

EazyE said...

Here is the true Italian Spiderman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNLlwkwP64

Eat your heart out Simoni.

Anonymous said...

Is that Ivan Basso with the eyepatch and the gun? I was wondering what he did during his suspension.

ice cube said...

"I.D.I.F.T.H.P."

Nothin says HOT like female DUCK-BUTTER!!! MMMM MMMM GOOOD!!

mikeweb said...

I second the complement on the ant1 blog! It doesn't confuse me with a bunch of excess "content" like BSNYC does.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of dentists, the world's greatest madone has serious competition at sea otter. It has a belt drive, flat bars, and the brake levers are made from crank bros joplin seatpost remotes. Look upon my works ye mighty, and despair. I'd paste the link but its a pain in my crappy phone browser. Velonews, sea otter tech part 3.

Luck E. Seven said...

Oh yeah, it's time...

I knew there was a reason for the 9-way tie for first today. Everyone's totally on edge waiting for this moment, the finest of the year.

MARK? Engage!


A

ant1 said...

Snobby - I just had a thought (rare occurence over here): could the lateness of today's post have anything to do with the Wednesdayness of today's date?

jflo said...

Oh no, I bike with brakes and climb with a rope. Who am I kidding? I have never felt so unfree . . .

ant1 said...

Shit, didn't even mean to post that comment at that perticular time either.

ant1 said...

Sorry JAAJ, I meant: Turd, didn't even mean...

Maxwell Perkins said...

Your potty mouth prose will get you nowhere bike snob

Anonymous said...

When climbers climb rope-free, they endanger themselves. That's freedom. Stupid, maybe, but its their life and their choice.

When hipster fixters ride brake-free, they endanger other people. That's hipster freedom: behaving with total disregard for other people and forcing everyone else to suffer the consequences of their lamebrained narcissism.

Anonymous said...

That "fuck brakes" song has everything. And by everything I mean its really really bad.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anonymous 6:09, you have obviously not had the unfortunate experience of walking down a New York City street and having a rope-free climber land on top of you -- such a typical occurrence that it doesn't even make the newspaper any more.

Anonymous said...

how about that song sucks

Johnny Sprocket said...

Anon at 6.09.. they do. And when some idiot lycra/carbon roadie rides like an asshole, running lights, dodging peds etc (like I see as well) he does the same thing.

Perry Hatfield said...

Jeez, Snobbie, you'd show more class reading something like "Rock and Dirt" or "Thoroughbred Times" instead of that uber-yuppie "New Yorker". Just imagining who the ads are directed at makes you realize why Communists still roam the earth.

Anonymous said...

DIRE TUNE

Anonymous said...

Alain Robert GETS HIGH, but not by smoking those drugs - that shit is dangerous, man. Adrenaline, bro, that's all you need... one... hundred... percent... na-choo-raal, baby!

Lucy said...

I bike in thongs every day, sucker.

Anonymous said...

I'll be importing a line of lycra/spandex man-thongs from Holland this summer.

To know what true freedumb is you must buy them.

Available at all Dick's Sporting Good outlets as well as Bass Pro Shop!

Anonymous said...

OOPS! My bad . . .

I just checked out the tags on the man thongs from Holland. It seems that they are actually pleather lined with a combination of jackalope/weasel fur.

Anonymous said...

Also, 2/3 of riders who use a thong as cycling apparel, use left side drive bikes, and brake calipers that pull on the opposite side to usual.

MJ Klein said...

what's with the American mysticism for the word "zen?" it simply means "truth" in Chinese and it's a very common everyday word in conversation. "Zen da ma?" = "Really?"

in Taiwan only poor people with shitty bikes don't have brakes.

ant1 said...

Lucy - can we see a pic?

Jim said...

I used to think I achieved a zen state riding my fixie but then I realized it was just hypoxia from having to do all-out efforts to get up hills without blowing a knee tendon.

I'm pretty much in favor of anybody doing anything they want, with no restrictions, providing they are willing to bear the cost of their escapades. That's where most people's big yearnings for liberty tend to break down a bit. "You mean, I gotta *pay* for this? WTF?" Most people are happy playing individual freedom, so long as somebody else is willing to pick up the tab.

Amsterdamize said...

"(Though maybe you'd be comfortable in a thong on a Dutch city bike, since according to their proponents it's apparently impossible to be uncomfortable on a Dutch city bike.)"

Well, actually...

I promise, will send you a pic this summer, the least I can do.

ant1 said...

MJK - so, could one say steel is zen?

Anonymous said...

The "certain death if you mess up" comment is a bit off the mark, as there's a wide range of recoverable "messing up" before you pop off, and architectural climbing (at least on many buildings) is technically quite easy though sometimes grueling, maybe the equivalent of "can you ride a bunch of laps on the track without falling over". Yes, falling over still means death, as do so many other things.

The movie about Philippe Petit ("1974 WTC towers wire-walker guy") is pretty good for communicating the inanely inspired but methodical and far-from-suicidal mentality involved in this sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

...Like climbing up a ladder without a rope?

mikeweb said...

I watched "Man on Wire" and Phillipe Petit prepared and planned for that feat literally for years. Additionally, he spent 45 minutes about 1,200' up with no net by himself.

Fixie riders (I prefer to call them 'trackie' riders, since that's where their bikes were actually designed to be ridden) bomb around the city along with us who are riding bikes designed for road use, pedestrians and 10 ton+ buses and trucks.

Example: One warmish evening last December, I was riding behind a 'trackie' on Jay St. in Brooklyn on my way home from work. In low light conditions, he was wearing dark clothing, no reflectors and no safety lights. And, of course, no helmet. A pedestrian stepped into the bike path to check the traffic to prepare to cross and the 'trackie' hit him at about 15-20 MPH. Luckily neither were hurt. Of course the 'trackie' jumped up and started yelling at the walker, but who was really at fault? In my estimation, this was a case of an idiot running into another idiot. How was the walker even supposed to see this rider wearing dark clothes with no reflectors or lights in the first place?! I also know that despite what he was wearing, if 'trackie' guy was riding a bike with brakes that the collision would've had less impact or none at all.

"Safety" is a relative term with no absolutes. By some measures, Phillipe Petit was acting safer than this 'trackie' rider simply because he had already prepared and reduced his level of danger to the minimum humanly possible for that activity. Whereas the 'trackie' rider could've worn a reflective vest, dropped $10 on some LED lights or any combination thereof, but chose not to.

That said, overall 'trackies' rank pretty low on the list of dangers of riding in city for other riders. Also, if I rode one, I wouldn't worry about not being able to make it UP the 'hills' of the city, I just think it's a pain in the ass for going DOWN hills. Who wants to have to pedal like you're in the last half lap of a match sprint just to be able to get close to 30MPH down a decline? Benefitting from a tailwind? Forget it. Drop down a gear when going straight into a stiff headwind? Ditto. New NYC subway cars actually use an energy return braking system - seems like riding a track bike is the exact opposte of that.

Oh wait, I forgot about the "Zen simplicity" thing. My bad. I guess when (if?) I get my next car I'll skip getting a Tiptronic transmission and go with the really old kind that requires double clutching. A starter? Nah, I'll use the crank on the front. My theory why there's so many track bikes for sale on Craigslist? The owner finally got over the 'lifestyle' aspect of it and realized he/she actually needs something practical. They also probably decided they didn't want to die younger than 40.

Anonymous said...

Right, now back to the inane comments.

Hoogidy boogidy!!

wool chamois said...

FWIW (not much), Imerio Massignan was the "Spider of the Dolomites" in the early 1960's, twice winning the mountains prize in the Tour. So Simoni was late to the party, despite his apparent expanding of the title. And just as Simoni has his non-cycling climbing equivalent, spider-wise, Massignan was preceded by Cesare Maestri, a mountain climber known for free and solo ascents and also dubbed "Spider of the Dolomites." Charly Gaul was of course better than all of them, but apparently reminded no one of an arachnid. What goes around ...

mikeweb said...

Sorry, had to get all serious there for a bit...

But - Podium! for longest non-political rant!

Udder said...

If that little Frenchie Alain Robert wants to take real risks, he'd ride a Gitane with Mafac brakes and Simplex derailleurs.

Anonymous said...

Maflac.

MAFLAC!

BackseatHummer said...

MILF Hunter looks like Floyd Landis.

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