Thursday, March 12, 2009

Adversity: When the Going Gets Tough, the Smart Get Naked

Although both the books I reviewed yesterday are nice to look at, I must say that both of them lack gripping narratives. Sure, looking at pictures and reading descriptions of those pictures is both fun and informative, but sometimes you need a good old-fashioned ripping yarn in which to lose yourself. I'm talking about the kind of book you pick up in the bathroom and before you know it you've missed two days of work. Well, this article, forwarded to me by a reader, could very well be the basis for just such a book (and, in turn, a blockbuster movie) if some shrewd publisher or studio is paying attention:


When I first saw the headline, I immediately thought it was Andy from Fyxomatosis, but it actually turned out to be a guy called Yair Kellner. By the way, the Brisbane Times sure has a knack for attention-grabbing headlines. No sooner did I start reading about the naked Aussie than I was almost diverted by this:



However, I had no time for equine tales of testiclular mastication, and continued reading about Mr. Kellner. It turns out he was competing in the Iditarod Trail Invitational, which is one of those ridiculous endurance races in Alaska. Kellner was riding his Pugsley or whatever other kind of hipster bike those guys use when he fell into a frigid creek. At this point, soaking wet and freezing, he got naked. By the way, a good rule of thumb as you go through life is to always get naked in the event of an emergency. I do it even if I'm not involved in the emergency myself. For example, when that plane landed in the Hudson back in January, the first thing I did was take off my pants. I'm not saying it helped, but it certainly didn't hurt, and it's a good habit to get into just in case.

Anyway, the next day he made some crampons out of his pedals and climbed a hill. I'm not sure he had to climb the hill, but when you're in a life-threatening situation it's always a good idea to undertake an unecessarily dramatic task so that it will make good reading if you survive. Also, the article doesn't specify, but I'm assuming he was still naked. Even smarter, Kellner left a trail of orange Gatorade wherever he went. This serves two important purposes: 1) it helps the rescuers find you; and 2) it provides an excellent product placement opportunity for the movie. He also rationed his cheese and energy bars (the article doesn't specify the brand of energy bar, presumably because product placement negotiations are still in progress), holed up in a cave he built out of snow (I assume he used some of his cheese for mortar), and made signals for planes out of his bike's reflectors--which just goes to show that dorkiness can in fact save your life. I'm a little unclear on the timeline, but I think the whole ordeal lasted three days. At any rate, he got rescued and he's doing just fine.

So let's recap. If you ever find yourself in a life-threatening, person-against-nature ordeal with dramatic literary and theatrical potential, do the following:

1) Get naked;
2) Undertake a task such as climbing a mountain, digging a tunnel, or descending into a live volcano;
3) Maximize branding opportunities by incorporating popular products into your struggle to survive.

This should not only get you through unscathed, but also build additional financial value into the experience.

By the way, Kellner wasn't the only person to have a tough time at the ITI. Jill Homer, author of the Up In Alaska blog, got frostbite on her toes. (Click here if you want to see frostbitten toes. Click here if you want to see puppies instead.) Now, I'd hate to make assumptions about an event in which I did not participate, but I have to say it sounds like the ITI totally and completely sucks.

I also have to say that, while I respect both Yair Kellner and Jill Homer for their extreme hardiness, I also think they're a dangerous influence. They're skewering people's perception of cold. It's bad enough you can't complain about the cold in New York without hearing from this guy in Minnesota. Now you can't complain about it because you didn't lose a toe or build a snow cave on the way into work. But that's not right. Just because someplace is colder doesn't mean it's not cold here too. Similarly, just because this thing exists doesn't mean I can't say this bike is ridiculous too. We must maintain some standard of sanity!

Speaking of both getting naked and of fixed-gears, I have to say I was puzzled by this bike:




Before it was stripped, this particular Langster had a special themed paintjob. Why then would you go out of your way to purchase a bicycle with a special themed paintjob only to strip all the paint? I suppose it's possible it was a gift. Either that, or maybe the bike heard there was a fire somewhere and so it decided to immediately shed its paint and get naked.

Fortunately though, when it comes to purchasing a colorful fixed-gear you have more choices than ever before. Some dubious outfit called Republic Bike now allows you to not only to purchase a fixed-gear bicycle online for $344, but also to pick all the revolting colors yourself. Here's the "colorway" I chose:



If you're wondering why the bike's so cheap, it's because it's, well, made out of really cheap stuff:



Hi ten? High five! And once I get my dubious copy of a real bike, I will submit it to a dubious copy of a real site--I'm of course talking about my favorite fake Fixedgeargallery site, Thefixedgeargallery:





I've mentioned Thefixedgeargallery before, but they've really stepped up their game. They even have dubious movies now! I particularly enjoyed this one, mostly because of the music:



In fact, after I finished watching it, YouTube recommended another dubious video I enjoyed even more. In a way, it was strangely reminiscent of the Yair Kellner ordeal, since it also involved a gripping narrative about a person whose ride takes an unexpected detour which involves getting naked (don't worry, the video is relatively safe for work):


Not only does the film tell a great story, but it's also informative. Mandy is rocking an unusual outfit, which she explains she custom-fabricated in order to keep cool during rides:

That's right, you're looking at the world's first pair of modular crotchless cycling shorts. Forget marketing--this is the kind of grass-roots innovation that's ultimately going to move this industry forward.

That and getting naked.

84 comments:

Anonymous said...

yeah

Luck E. 7 said...

Camel Toe!!

A

uptop said...

GET SOME!

Jay said...

top 10! my first time... I'm actually a little disappointed I thought this would be more exciting.

Mutt said...

I'm having a good week here...

top said...

top tizzie

Anonymous said...

Boy howdy

hillier99 said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

Woot Woot!

Daniel! said...

I'm changing my name to "Big Boobs Daniel."

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Jay said...

I get frostbike every winter...

kale said...

Frostbike?

I don't know what it is and I don't think I want one.

Anonymous said...

Lame Anon 12:34
Taking my Woot!


Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

Balls in the rear tire!

Lame Anon 12:46 said...

I am not Lame Anon 12:34

Pulverized Concepts said...

Not me.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure we'd find out, if we buy the clip, that modified crotchless bike shorts were first invented in Canada.

Anonymous said...

Or perhaps it is you 12:39 who has taken mine!

Jay said...

Kale: Jill Homer had frostbike up until a few minutes ago. I'm assuming the blogger monkeys changed it to "frostbite" just in time.

March 12, 2009 12:48 PM said...

March 12, 2009 12:48 PM

worm irks said...

chapeau

kale said...

"...the most exciting event in the bike industry"

You slipped on that one Snob, now the bike industry tradeshow is the new alleycat.

Anonymous said...

unnnngggghhhh

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Strayhorn said...

So, they are calling gas pipe "hi ten" these days? I suppose it would be false advertising to even call it high tensile.

Crotchless cycling shorts - I'm jealous. All YouTube ever recommends for me is B&W clips of old rock and rollers.

Mongo Pusher said...

Popovych!

RB1 said...

Why would someone name a bike 'Aristotle' ?

Now i can't get that Monty Python song out of my head.

Surly Bastard said...

A fucking classic! One of your best and funniest ever!

(You can use the above as a blurb in your upcoming product placement laden movie.)

By the way, I opted for the puppies.

wishiwasmerckx said...

With a name like Yair, the guy has to be Jewish. You seldom see that sort of outdoorsy resourcefulness from a member of our tribe. After 40 years of wandering in the wilderness, we are now basically an indoor people.

As to the Langster, at least the chain is taut, unlike its droopy cousin by the Apple Store. Something which confuses me. He had time to strip the logos and the rear brake, but somehow was too busy to strip the uber-nerdy plastic reflectors off the wheels?

Steven said...

Classic is right!

Also the horse spit the testicle out onto the pavement. What a dumb horse!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wishiwasmerckx,

The bicycle is probably Kellner-inspired. He may have kept the reflectors in case he needs to signal a rescue plane.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

Is hi-ten real, too?

libertyonbikes! said...

can it get worse?
of course it's the white college guy building a 'Rasta' fixie.
I'm gonna bet there's nothing
really "Rasta' about you.
why can't we get a brother with an
Amish themed bike.

And for $344, hell that sounds like a deal. AND i get to create
my own COLORWAY? Until I went to build my own. Thing weighs 24 lbs?
that's 4 more than my steel cross
bike with a steel fork. AND I get
derailuers with that. AND the 59cm
has a 54cm top tube? well hell, if I have to sit THAT upright, why don't you just cut off the front end to save some weight? oh, because it'ld be a unicycle.....
everyday it's just a bigger train wreck.

Anonymous said...

Sexy Girls for a Dope Free TDF

Matt Boulanger said...

Republic also likes to clamp their hi-ten frames into workstands:

http://www.republicbike.com/images/about_shop.jpg

Anonymous said...

skewering or skewing? both ways work for me.



i'm jus' sayin'

CommieCanuck said...

I'm in Manhattan next week, I need to remember this for my bar hopping: "soooo ladies, who wants to practice survival skills?"

Those crotchless shorts are just bound to eventually end up popular and then someone will post the pictures of the inevitable mountain of discarded crotches somewhere in China...you know, the ones with the dirty kid walking with that aimless look in his eyes knowing there are no crotch mountains in America.

Anonymous said...

So many things wrong with this post I can't even begin to...
Really, BS? Pimping bad uggo porn AND bad uggo bikes? Oysh, your hurting your mother now...

Anonymous said...

I am now reconsidering removal of my large and highly reflective pie-plate. It's use as a signal device could save my life someday!

Wes said...

Possibly the Aussie was on one of these - Like our other frames, the Big Dummy is built from 4130 CroMoly steel. We designed it to be torsionally rigid while offering some vertical compliance. Haven't seen that phrase in a while. And nor do I believe it.

Anonymous said...

Whoaaa. Nice Horsey. What's the Aussie equivalent for Juan Pelota?

Anonymous said...

horse=hater

bikesgonewild said...

...the sun's shinin', the birds are chirpin' n' singin' & spring is in the air !!!...

...sweet sassy molassy !!!...

...i'm gettin' nekkid & goin' ridin'...it's just that kinda day...

grog said...

I survived this blog by getting naked. And puppies.

N P
A U
K P
E P
D Y

Bike Snob Austin IV said...

I live in a world where a blog written in NYC references a horse masticating a testicle in Australia that leads to a comment about a café in my hometown that I boycott because it's named after balls.

Critical Ass said...

Attendance at our Saturday group ride has jumped by 1540% since we invited Big Boobs Mandy. Even MILF Hunter showed up with his insulated bar-mounted beverage holders.

JPB said...

Too much time in those crotchless shorts and she will have to change her name to Monkey-Butt Mandy or Saddle Sore Mandy!

jolene said...

never i dun seed a horse bite no balls what they in the mouth for but i did see my little brother put penit butter on his privates for the dog to lick boy howdy that was a laugh to see that old coon dog bite his weener and he screamed like a little baby but there werent no blood cus that dog had no teeth left boy howdy it was old

i fed me a horse a carut but that dont look like no nutsack if you get my drift i used te ride it befer pappy shoter what for to feed the house when he lost his job at the welfare i seed my other cosin in alaska left his washup girlfrend wonce she got noked up hes grate at hokey if frillys inrested but hes relations so i cant have no baby with him or we gets the hairlip baby agin

Austin Bike Grub said...

I boycott because the place is filled with Yuppie pansy snooty spandex clad riders who plaster themselves with bright colors and corporate logos.

I do think it is a great service to the community that they offer free showers. I've made many lasting friendships there.

Shower Snob Austin X said...

Are the glory holes at said bike cafe British or Italian, or oversized?

CommieCanuck said...

none of the above...BB30

Critical Ass said...

This gem is equipped with stem mounted shifters...and if you click on the link to the catalog page, you will see that it has only depreciated $4.95 since it rolled off the assembly line in 1983:

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/1071887313.html

kale said...

CA-

27"ers make the best fixie conversions, apparently. At least they spelled the model correctly - as if it was pronounced by a drunk fisherman.

Anonymous said...

What's up, Monkey Butt?

ant1 said...

Just read an article on an alpalca-like animal creating quite a stir in China:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/12/world/asia/12beast.html?em
Has it begun?

Mental Yentl said...

Anon 2:15...

You stole my oysh. I guess the woot was already stolen.

Oysh.

Anonymous said...

TOP 58!!

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!!

shmaltz herring said...

I'm pretty sure that guy from Minnesota is actually the legendary (and late) actor Jack Palance. Look at that piercing squint of his eyes and tell me that I'm wrong.

Bluenoser said...

Christ,

Even Woot Woot's not safe from imitators.

But I do like that Boy Howdy stuff. She even mentioned Frilly.

-B

innerlighter said...

I haven't read the comments yet. Has anyone already made a Ghetto Wonder Woman comment about Mandy?


Oh man, that is sooooo wrong!

Bluenoser said...

That Aussie's nostrils are so big I can look right up and see what he is thinking.

Late middle aged folks shouldn't pose for pictures like that.

-B

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for the made for TV movie.

Bluenoser said...

So Snobbie,

How does one get the pedal/toeclip to be perfectly level and on the other side of the wheel on that Langster with the special paint??

-B

Anonymous said...

"Similarly, just because this thing exists doesn't mean I can't say this bike is ridiculous too. We must maintain some standard of sanity!"

that is rather strong, almost orweillian statement. would like to support anyone's freedom to torment him/her self in any imaginable way. (and maybe, just maybe to publicly brag about hew heights in self torture)

urchin said...

Drive through bike shorts.

Please pull up to the next window...

d. fofonov said...

This post is begging for Khasakh insight but after much vodka I have no sight at all for moment being.

Anonymous said...

I bet if naked Kangaroo Jack had tattoos he would have been dead, and a woosie.

Anonymous said...

The story left out the part where the ITI rider dug his ice cave using a pie plate.

frilly said...

I just knew I was a fucking genious.

Hey John!

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panino said...

you tube is a well of wisdom and forgotten beauty.

Phat Bastard said...

Boy howdy, would I love a bottle of green tea pills right now.

LukeCoop said...

Great.

John said...

what's up frillbo? don't forget to unclip before you stop...

Big Boobs Mandy said...

Chamois are for woosies!

Ronsonic said...

Ever try to not think about something, you know like "crotchless bike shorts."

Anonymous said...

Clipless is a way of the past: http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=15374044&parentid=M_SHOES_SNEAKERS&sortProperties=+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=156&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=M_SHOES_SNEAKERS&popId=MENS_SHOES&prepushId=

YK said...

Hey, this is very funny- i rate it #2 after a comment by my buddy John- had a good laugh since we all know it's a good medicine yeah.
Glad i provided you with a starting point for a great post, and thanks for the marketing tips...
Cheers
Yair Kellner-

Tyler said...

thefixedgeargallery.com is a biter site. not that I really care, just thought id let ya know.
fixedgeargallery.com is the real site
jesus was a hipster.

The Golden Shower said...

Miniskirt girl @ 0:05 is peeing!

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