Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Future is Meh, the Apocalypse is Nigh: Tempting Fate

We are living in trying times. The economic crisis is forcing people to part with their Cervelos; our athletic heroes are letting us down; and, perhaps worst of all, cats are eating processed cheese slices. Really, it's enough to make you feel crappy and distressed. And fortunately, thanks to the dual miracles of Craigslist and the can-do entrepreneurial spirit that made America great (and then ran it into the ground), you can now get a crappy and distressed saddle to match your wilting spirit:






SADDLE (crappy & distressed) FREE installation - $9 (West Village)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-02-02, 11:25AM EST

If you've had an expensive $ 30, $ 40, $ 50 +++ saddle pilfered
and need a cheap & not so alluring replacement, I have a couple
of crappy saddles salvaged from old wrecks.

An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all --- or keep
it as a back-up --- hey ya never know !!!

For those too traumatized about their bad experience or paranoid
about losing another one, I'll take the trouble to chain it to the
frame --- for an extra $ 5. But the basic installation is FREE.
Most bike shops can chain it down for you --- usually the same
charge, 5 bucks.

BASIC SADDLE PRICE: $ 9 FIRM with free install

West Village location
Call JOE (212) 242-[deleted] 10 AM -- midnite
Kindly leave message if not home. Thanks.


"An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all." While there may be some riders with strange proclivities who feel otherwise, I think most of us will agree that truer words were never spoken. Consequently, it's comforting to know there's an individual who will not only soothe those "traumatized about their bad experience" (and really, what's more traumatizing than riding without a saddle?), but who is also available from 10:00am to midnight (!) to help ease your pain. In a time of great uncertainty, we can at least rest assured that there's a man named Joe in the West Village who is sitting by his phone every single day for fourteen hours straight just waiting for a call from some hapless saddle theft victim (or seatpost penetration victim).

Still, times are so bad that some people are seeking to soothe the pain of today with the balm of nostalgia. This cyclist, for example, is finding inspiration in the optimism of yesteryear:



"This is my first fixed gear bike, custom built by Vanguard Designs here in town. I told them I wanted a bike that was futuristic, but as if someone had designed it in 1983 thinking about the future."

Yes, while some people have more pedestrian requirements when they're purchasing a bicycle, such as "I need something I can ride to school," or, "I like red," this person's first priority was that his bicycle be ironically retro-futurist. Unfortunately for him, Vanguard Designs failed to pull it off. Rarely has a bicycle missed its mark as spectacularly as this.

First of all, nobody in 1983 could have imagined that the people of the future would ride bicycle saddles with taintal cutouts. Second of all, in order to think like a person would have in 1983, we have to understand 1983. This was a much simpler time, when many of the modern conveniences we take for granted today didn't even exist. The internet, grunge, synthetic underwear, hydrofoils, monotheism--none of these had been invented by 1983. And if you're wondering what cycling looked like in 1983, it looked like this:



I found this photograph using a popular search engine (the search engine was invented in 1992, shortly after the internal combustion engine), and as you can see it's actually sepia-toned, since color photography didn't exist yet either and people had to sepia-tone things to amuse themselves. However, Tony Randall did exist, and I'm reasonably certain that he's the person in the photo just ahead of Sideshow Bob:

But while 1983 was a prosaic, bland, sepia-toned time, the people of 1983 did have very vivid imaginations. As such, it's highly unlikely that someone in 1983 dreaming of a bike of the future would come up with something as dull as the Fixedgeargallery bike. I mean, moustache bars and time trial brake levers? They would have done much better than that. The movie "ET" had just been released the year before (Tony Randall's "Odd Couple" co-star Jack Klugman played the role of the alien to critical acclaim), and by 1983 it was widely considered a given that aliens would be living among us in the near future. So naturally, any future bike designed in 1983 would have included an alien basket:



Didn't Vanguard Designs do any research? Even Sideshow Bob's bike has an alien basket!

Moreover, while the people of 1983 didn't have grunge, or monotheism, or neckties, or hot and cold running water, or long division, they did have crabon fiber. After all, crabon fiber is a naturally-occuring substance, and by the 80s people were pulling tons of the stuff from the great crabon fiber mines of Dover, New Hampshire. Granted, it wasn't used widely like it is today, as you can see from this Race Face crabon fiber crank:



But certainly any futuristic space-aged concept bicycle would have somehow incorporated it. Forget lugged steel--a 1983 future bike would probably have looked more like this:



Furthermore, in 1983 the upright bicycle was widely regarded as being on the verge of obsolescence. Experts in the industry even went so far as to compare them to p-fars. Also, the barbers who diagnosed medical problems and performed bloodlettings believed that upright bicycles caused dropsy. So back then, the so-called "smart money" was on the recumbent, and if Vanguard Designs had really done their homework the Fixedgeargallery poster would be riding this:



Now that's a hell of a lot more ironically retro-futurist than a pair of blue hubs.

But there's one thing the simple folk of 1983 would never have imagined, and that is that one day derailleurs would fall out of favor and fixed-gears and singlespeeds would rule the Earth. Nonetheless, this has come to pass, and we now find ourselves trackstanding on the brink of the Fixed Gear Apocalypse. And horribly, a reader has informed me that in Swindon, England, there dwells a "Singlespeed Antichrist":


The foolhardiness with which this Alex Morton taunts the Alpaca is deplorable, and he's clearly cruising for a smiting. 96 speeds is four times as infuriating as a triple crank with an 8-speed cassette, and 4.363636363636363 times as infuriating as a double crank paired with a Campagnolo 11-speed cassette. (Even if he can rub the coveted 11-58 straight block.) Sure, he may be able to ride at speeds in excess of 53 miles per hour (though I'm guessing those are English miles per hour, which means he's only going like 20 American miles per hour), but it's still inexcusable. Even more horrifying, he doesn't even hold the gear record:



Immediately after reading about this, I realized I had to research Swindon, since it is evidently going to be the scene of the Fixed-Gear Armageddon. So I shut down my computer, headed to the library, went straight to a computer, and visited Wikipedia. There I learned that not only does "Swindon" mean "Pig Hill," but also that it is famous for its roundabouts and is also the home of the New Wave band XTC.

That last fact shook me to my core, for a closer inspection revealed that Alex Morton's 96-speed mostrosity is actually a Giant XTC:


And, as any astute theologian knows, arguably XTC's most popular song was the agnostic anthem "Dear God":



Clearly, evil forces are at work in Swindon, and it would seem that they have been working to cause anger on high and speed the End of Days since at least 1986.

I only hope someone--or some thing--can save us.


150 comments:

Johno said...

victory!

Anonymous said...

first?

Daddo said...

ta-da!

Anonymous said...

I am the CHEESE... faster and fiercer!

Tom said...

1!

Dr. Science said...

I overslept.

kale said...

There's a picture of a seat!

1st real comment!

Anonymous said...

top tensies

Anonymous said...

FIST!

innerlighter said...

booyah

kale said...

sooth?

Typo1st!

innerlighter said...

oh, and...

meh

ryan said...

top 15, missed the 10. but still, top 20 every day of the week and that without hitting refresh every 2 minutes, just out of luck! boyahhh

Anonymous said...

Losers.

Top 15! Woot!

Daddo said...

two words:
taintal cutouts!

Johnny Sprocket said...

Damn... couldn't catch the breakaway !

Bill said...

damn kale,nicely done. i was trying to think of a real comment, and "there's a picture of a seat" is brilliant! dammit, i'm not worthy

T. McKay Battles said...

this post was absolutely absurd. i love it.

johno - check yesterday's comments. sorry, but i was one step ahead of you.

kale - damn you. i wanted typo1st! on that one, but congratulations.

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

where am I?

CommieCanuck said...

Since I was alive in 1983, I can tell you firsthand of many accurate predictions from that era:

1. GRID is a gay-only disease of little consequence, no need to fund research.
2. In the future, all clothing will likely be acid-washed, as this look is cool.
3. Lycra jerseys will have shoulder pad inserts, and riding with sleeves pushed up to the elbows will rock.
4. Oil will get cheaper, but cars will average 50-60mpg by 1989.
5. Canada's "Men without Hats" will be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame, right after Gino Vanelli.

Han Solo's grandpa said...

A bike designed to look like it was designed in 1983 to be futuristic? That's what I'm listening for in music. Instead of a radio station that plays "golden oldies" or "classic rock", I keep hunting around for one that plays the music of the future. No luck yet, though and I don't know if I'm getting any closer.

innerlighter said...

"it allows your rear wheel to draft the frame for an aerodynamic advantage"

I wouldn't buy anything that drafts off me without coming around to take a pull every once and a while.

CommieCanuck said...

inner..that's what she said.

Jonnie D said...

I'm taking my cue from David Brent and not trusting anything out of Swindon.

Anonymous said...

"So I shut down to my computer"

delete to

yours

kale said...

Bill, T.-

I got rid of the seal drag on my mouse roller by putting in loose bearings. As they say on The List: "It's goes real fast!"

Anonymous said...

Any bike from 1983 that is supposed to look like it's from the future is going to have all its components anodized in red, gold and blue, and sport a Haro number plate. That bike has none of those things.

Some random guy

Bill said...

apparently one of the guys from the moody blues is also from swindon, so....

Anonymous said...

-don't forget the spatter paint.

Bill said...

i KNEW i shouldn't have added seal drag

Bear Shirt said...

Further proof that the common belief in 1983 was that aliens would be living among us: the television series V. Although it premiered in 1984, it was undoubtedly filmed in, and possibly prior to, 1983.

That show was creepy, especially the part about aliens getting wasted on sour milk.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

the future in 83 included the concept of lightening the bike through the placement of the pedal onto the shoe (click), leaving only slim lightweight spindles on the bike

themanwiththegoldenkickstand said...

There was a simpler time.

A time when Quincy was a God.

Bear Shirt said...

1983 Bike of the future

The future is finally here.

Anonymous said...

I graduated High School in 1983 and while education and marijuana (marihuana) had just been invented two years prior, I still could have come up with something more inventive than that Singapore Sling of a fixtie in question...

Nick said...

The future bike of 1983 is a supended mountain bike. DUH!

ant1 said...

Do those row bikes come with coxswains?

Anonymous said...

ant1 said cox!

Bill said...

al gore invented mary jane way before 1981

Johnny Sprocket said...

Bear Shirt... aliens are living among us. Didn't you ever see that 80's classic, series...ALF.

Anonymous said...

It was the time when Brussels could sing;
It was the time of the silent movies.
It was the time when Brussels was king;
It was the time when Brussels brustled.

Pick out a hat so dashing and gay;
Go take a walk, it's a beautiful day.
Put on your spats and your high-buttoned shoes.
Get on the tram, get the gossip and news.

Not ... a time for crying.
How ... the heart was flying.
There was my grandfa-ather
There was my grandmo-other
He, was a young soldier
And she, was so much bolder
He had no brains; neither did she
How bright could I turn out to be?
Oh!

shmaltz herring said...

Andy Partridge always scared me. He is the anti-Jack Klugman for sure!

RM said...

I like the rowing bike, where can I get one?

Do they have to be home made? In that case I might as throw myself off a bridge now.

And I agree taintal slots? Brooks has one now too. They look like they're made for the crotchal dumpling chick from fyxomatosis parady contest.

Good one today. That XTC part was creepy. The things you can learn at the library.

RM

red neckerson said...

hey snob dont forget to look at the kids books next time you go to the pubic libary cause me and ricky are getting ready to go big time and put out a bunch of pomes about a spider who goes on welfare and gets a baby mama to lay a bunch of eggs its going to be called charlottes hood

nice thing about viper is that nothing changed since like 1978 everbody wears wife beeters and jeans even in the winter

and no one gots no shoes if yor tuff when you ride a bike you gets spd cleets tattood to yor feet im telling you that hurt almost as much as getting a new saddle nailed to my telscoping seatpost if you get where im going with it

Anonymous said...

It was the time when Brussels could sing;
It was the time of the silent movies.
It was the time when Brussels was king;
It was the time when Brussels brustled.

Pick out a dress so dashing and gay;
Go take a walk, it's a beau-ti-ful day.
Put on your spats and your high-buttoned shoes.
Get on the tram, get the gossip and news.

Not ... a time for crying
How ... the heart was flying
There was my grandfa-ather
There was my grandmo-other
He, knew how to do it
And she, she let him do it
They lived in sin - deliciously.
Now they pray for my vir-gin-i-ty
Oh!

Bear Shirt said...

Johnny Sprocket,

I did see Alf, and it appears that the aliens among us finally caught up to Max Wright

ricky said...

reds full of crap i saw him looking at this on craiglist
http://louisville.craigslist.org/bik/1018722349.html
because he herd that fixie riders get all the babes

and i wrote most of the opmes while red was flirting with them high school girls coming to the libary to gets things checked out

Lucky said...

So, if I hear you right. Time is not linear, but constant... and so there is no future... and thereby no past.

I may have misunderstood, but that would make every moment a manifestation of the present... and so, that "NOW" is the Apocalypse.

Lord help us one and all!

The end is HERE!

Nicole said...

That XTC bike should be named Why Bother.

Climbin'J said...

That's the Freewheelin' Sideshow Bob Dylan behind Tony Randall. Great ET Oscar!

brettok said...

Geez, I've created a monster with this 1st comment thing!
And I don't think "there's a picture of a seat" really cuts it Kale... read the post first!
I'd give it to Daddo for "taintal cutouts".
5 bucks to lock a seat to a bike? I'm gonna try that at work today; "there's your saddle, and would you like me to lock it to your bike for you?"

Anonymous said...

"After building his 90-gear bike Alex said he clocked up to 53.9mph while riding down the A419 and said he often was forced to overtake mopeds."

i really like the implication that more gears = faster. guy's a genius. wtf is all that training about, then.

kale said...

Brettok-

Who's the rules and regulations body of this thing? But, I'll admit - I have been doping.

I'll just say that there shouldn't be any cutting and pasting for comments. That would be grounds for disqualification...

tw said...

the future is now!
in march 1983 us patent#4376394 was issued to one Fernand S. Lapeyre of New Orleans La. for the manually operable multi-speed bicycle transmission employing three gears in the rear hub making the 96 speed bicycle the future bike circa 1983

Russ said...

How exactly do you build a bike with 1,000 gears?

Anonymous said...

1000 gears? That's the record? Couldn't you argue that continuous transmissions for bikes offer a number of "gears" approaching infinity, and therefore trump these bikes with an absurd number of discrete gears?

I'd like to see BSNYC lodge a formal complaint with the Guiness Book of World Records.

Alternately, someone could tell Tony Ellsworth that he has a claim on the record with his Nuvinci continuous transmission. The lawyers will be on it in no time.

I have to admit it would be awesome to see a bike with an 11-speed cassette mounted to a Rohloff hub, and a 4-ring crank and front derailleur with a planetary gear in the crank as well. By my count that would be 1232 gears... a world record setter!

Bill said...

I'll just say that there shouldn't be any cutting and pasting for comments. That would be grounds for disqualification...

dammit! i suck at this game!

Bear Shirt said...

Hate to break it to you, but the Nuvinci is not truly an infinitely geared transmission. Those oversize roller bearings that they employ as their "gears" inevitably have an upper, discrete, limit to their roundness. If you break it down to the atomic, or even subatomic level, there has to be quantization of a gear ratio in there (not to mention the fact that one is controlling it with a mechanical lever and cable, which has its own limits).

It's still probably much greater than 1000 gears, but certainly not infinite.

db said...

Wow, the XTC/Dear God link is a spiral of mystery:

"Did you make mankind after we made you?"

Aaaand back to the future...

kale said...

Is there a Guinness Record for the highest number of headset spacers on a Seven?

...eh?

Anonymous said...

meh is future

Anonymous said...

Hence my "approaching infinite" qualification. If Tony Ellsworth can convince the patent office that his "ICT" suspension is different from Specialized's "FSR," then *ANYTHING* is possible.

Another brainstorm has yielded an even larger number of gears- 11 speed cassette on a Rohloff mated to a DH-style 8-speed internal gearbox up front with a regular 3 ring crank and front derailleur. 3696 gears!

Anonymous said...

FIRST!!! YES!!! oops.

Anonymous said...

Tony Randall never was alive, really. He just existed.

Ronsonic said...

Let's see, take a Rohloff, attach 8 cogs and there's 112 right there. Use a triple and you're up to 336. Then get one of those bottom bracket three speed thingies and you've got it made.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

OK smarty pants. What ratios are we talking about on each component to ensure no gear duplication?

Get back to me.

ant1 said...

If gears are for queers, that 96 speed bike must be clay aiken's.

Polygraf said...

Damn classic post,def top ten .

83 was also the year of "Manimal" which was then cancelled and replaced by "The Master". hmm

libertyonbikes! said...

I think only one kid had a MTB in
'82 - which really was a beach cruiser with a derailuer. All the others were SE & GT bmx, maybe a couple Haro Freestylers - and then the older guys aspiring to make the 7-11 team, fueled by watching Breaking Away. It took Kevin Bacon a couple more years to make everyone want to become messengers-
wait, that never happened.........
Maybe it was Puck from the first Real World........ nope.

Maybe my shop can make a bike that stirs the historic leap Fonzie made with the testosterone ladden Cippo (80's era) with a bit of what
it takes to be hip in 2010
(2009 will be refered to as a transitional year for hipsters and fixed gears).

Anonymous said...

Q: Snob, is it true that you are actually Jewish?"

A: "Jewish? I invented monothiesm in 1983."

leroy said...

First, I am heartened that Joe is hawking distressed saddles at $9 Firm. An unfirm saddle just leads to chaffing.

Second, thinking about the future in the early '80s, too often led to adorable tweens crooning "Tomorrow" from the smash Broadway hit "Annie." Do we really need the bicycling equivalent? Haven't we suffered enough?

Third, I don't remember what was third. I got distracted. Awww look, a kitty eating cheese....

RB1 said...

OK smarty pants. What ratios are we talking about on each component to ensure no gear duplication?

Get back to me.


Hmm. Perhaps irrational gear ratios would work. Or maybe prime numbers. Even if you couldn't ride it, maybe you could use it for encryption.

Bill said...

DAG RODE

Bill said...

DO GEARD

Bear Shirt said...

"I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or changeling, like that guy--You ever see that TV show Manimal?"

Cal Naughton, Jr. (looking to the past to see the future)

Bill said...

DAD GORE

ok, i'm done, sorry

Traff said...

What's going on in Swindon these days?? This is the second Swindon/bike story I've seen this week. The first, of course, being Robbie Williams checking out a Bianchi at Red Planet Bikes (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1131544/No-isnt-stick-Im-Robbie-Williams-I-want-buy-bicycle-.html). There's an interesting picture of the bike Robbie was looking at. Despite coming from Red Planet, there's no provision for the transportation of martians, but the guy holding the bike looks like he has a bit of an alien haircut. Personally I'd rather have the t-shirt, since Orange t-shirts are as rare as very rare things over there in NYC and mine are just about falling apart.

leroy said...

Bear Shirt --

"He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman like you imagined when you were young.”

-- The Killers, "When You Were Young"

Tell that to Cal Naughton, Jr.

Traff said...

over "here", not over "there"...

Jim said...

Man, how I remember those days - putting leeches on saddlesores to bring the swelling down, and suffering with terrible marthambles from the pickle juice in my bidon. Ahhh, for my good old sepia tone safety bi-cycle.

Anonymous said...

If you put a Rohloff 10 speed in place of the bottom bracket, and one as the rear hub, will you rip a hole in the space time continum?

CommieCanuck said...

1000 gears means three things: a really, really big chain, a lot of chain lube, and a big pie plate.

...and boom goes the dynamite.

Cool The Kid said...

Color photography was indeed available in the 80s; the 80s themselves were sepia toned. You can see the backlash that came with the implementation of color in the psychological thriller musical "Purple Rain"

smartypants said...

Disgruntl Ed 1:58:

Thou shalt not take my name in vain.

Jason Pearlman said...

Whew, glad I read your posting today. I was gonna build a retro 1994 fixie, but now realized how much I would've messed it up considering how messed up I was in 1994. Oh well....

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Pipe down smartypants. I was addressing smarty pants.

el presidente bicisport said...

I thought we were supposed to have hover bikes by now.

I was wearing my sunglasses at night back in 1983.

http://www.coreyhart.com/

The taintal cutout in the Brooks Saddle is disturbingly phallic.

Anonymous said...

Alls I want to know is where I can get a White Heat!!!

http://www.lucasklauss.com/2008/07/huffy-white-heat.html

That was the futurebike of my generation.

ant1 said...

the yellow pie plate on that huffy is pretty sweet. unfortunately, geese can spot it from 10,000ft.

Ev said...

oh my god this post is so good it's like the abbey road of BSNYC ... so free and interconnected. i'm floored ... here comes the sun-ringle chris king ...

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

My sweet Next Power X

Hey bros,

sweet forum! I was checking out the Race Face Next cranks! Fuckin' bad to the balls! Does anyone know if they will mate up to my Next Power X??!! I included a photo if that helps.

And hey...cut a brother some slack and no hatin' on my rig!
Rock on Sam Walton!

bikesgonewild said...

...ehhh (that's old school for "meh"), today i'm tired...i got nothin'...

...still recovering from the big celebratory party at urchins last night...quaffin' brews w/ ant1, leroy, kale, cognorant, red n' ricky (stop bickering over 'who wrote what', guys, sheesh), jim n' bob (i can never remember which is which), daddo & innerlighter...

...bluenoser & commiecanuck came down from canukistan...blue w/ the 'boston whaler' decal & commie had what i thought was a homeless guy in tow (damn...who knew gino vanelli's career hit the skids that bad ???)...

...bsnyc was there (& he doesn't look a thing like that 'rtms approve' poster, for those of you suffering from a "what's he look like" identity crisis) conspiring in a corner w/ erik k...another artistic collabo, perchance ???...

...i think that was frilly waiting outside on the stoop for andy pandy but he was early or late depending on yer perspective of the international date line///time space continuum thingy...

...it was a nice touch that 'the urch' (we were calling him that 'cuz of his new found fame) didn't invite even one "anon", be they am or pm, to the party...& prolly made cool name tags for us all...

...while it was great to meet micheal phelps (jeezus, he can suck down a lotta bong smoke w/ those big swimmers lungs !!!) i feel a little bad 'cuz he got so hammered i ended up in the spare bedroom (where everybody's jackets were piled up) "gettin' crown" from his girlfriend (thank you, baby, call me...867-5309)...

...anyway...it was a fun little get together & i'm sorry if ya missed it...

libertyonbikes! said...

BGW (jenny)

I called your number,
but it's up for sale.
what's up with that?

Just couldn't give me the Dominos
number?

Anonymous said...

that's not Tony Randall. It's clearly Robert Vaughn from the Man from Uncle. http://www.robertvaughn.com/

CC

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...oh, sorry...power of persuasion...

...i heard the tommy tutone (tommy dial-tone ???) song this morning & it automatically came to mind...

...mine's actually listed at (415)-555-1212...

Anonymous said...

asdf

Bluenoser said...

Crap I'm hung over bikes.

-B

Bluenoser said...

-100

-B

Wes said...

Ant1 concept - 100th and 101st? Am I in?

kale said...

BGW -

Call on me some time when yer done with that Joaquin Miller fella, big boy!

(510) 444-6955

Thanks for getting that godforsaken stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

My turn-
Mother...tell yer children not to walk my way...

bikesgonewild said...

...damn, blue...

...& i thought the concept of being so drunk that one would be "swingin' from the chandelier" was only a figure of speech...but it can be quite literal, obviously & you proved that...

ant1 said...

Kale - I actually heard that song on the radio the other day. I'd forgotten how awesome it was.

Wes - Not quite sure what you mean. Not that there's anyting wrong with that.

bikesgonewild said...

...i believe it was 'quin miller, the "byron of the rockies" who first wrote "wake me up before you go-go" shortly before he penned "songs of the sierras"...

...quin-tessential stuff, that...& "songs of the sierras" wasn't bad either...

Anonymous said...

Now that is a brilliantly amusing post ... much like the old snobbie from pre-shark jumping days.

Cheers !

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild-

I was there too! So were a couple of the other anons. We were the ones in the black hoodies and sunglasses standing off to the sides of the room - until Phelps showed up with Mr. Roor, that is...

frilly said...

While it is true that I adore Andy Pandy, he does keep me waiting for hours.

Oh, and, btw, AP, I'm not pulling out of anything. I got my times today and not too bad for a first effort. Although in true tri-geek form, my biggest snafu was in transition one. Do you know how hard it is to put on a bra when you're wet?!?

That wasn't in my training schedule.

Anonymous said...

BGW, thanks a lot. Just like high school all over again. I NEVER get invited to the parties with all the cool kids.

Anonymous said...

Anon 6:23, there is a name for your pain. It is called "Social Darwinism."

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 6:12pm...

...black hoodies & shades ???...dude, we all thought that look was a nice touch "for the guys servin' drinks & carryin' the food !!!"...

...& while i'm no triathlete & i certainly wouldn't propose to speak for andy pandy, i do know how "easy" it is to get a bra 'off' a woman when she's wet...didn't need much training to learn that maneuver...instinct, really...

...anon 6:23pm...we tried to send out invitations but w/ so many of you, well...

jimmythefly said...

Gentlemen, the only rational way forward is a Trek R200 with a 2-speed bottom bracket and a dual-drive hub/10-s cassette combo. 300 ratios at your fingertips!

treefox said...

The Swindon Magic Roundabout
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_Roundabout_(Swindon)

urchin said...

y'know, I'm still finding anons clinging to the outside of the house like mynocks. Chewin' on the power cables.

There's a reason y'all weren't invited. Mostly because you all show up too early yelling xxx1st!

innerlighter said...

I think I read that article about the future bike. Little known fact: in a sidebar it explained how you had to be a member of The Plasmatics to ride one.


Which explains a lot about recumbent riders these days.



great googly moogly.

Lucky 7 said...

Missed the fuckin Urch party. Congrats on the win. That shit was dead sexy. BGW, I've seldom read such fine smut. You had me at "bolt hole".

Took time off in a disaster area. Sent a few smoke signals to Red and Ricky, but never heard back. Sounds like a blast. Did ya catmando Urch after he passed out?

Can't believe Frilly went all tri, but nice work girl! Did Juli run with u? Way to not poop yourself, really.

Also:

don't declare yourself The CHEESE as it must be bestowed;
Kale's a genius;
proper use of a semicolon by Cool the Kid 3:01,
and finally,
what shape is the ideal taint cutout?

Phallic or vagnic?

Should the cutout be round so you can pucker your browneye thru it? Talk about 'roid rage...


A

Johnny Sprocket said...

Upon further reflection... that sepia, Tony Randall doppleganger appears to be 'rockin' a cross tyre, skinny leg jeans and what looks like some expensive Rapha gear. That's got to be a set up shot, no way that's 1983.

innerlighter said...

Ah, this post has me all verklempt.
Talk amongst yourselves...

I'll give you a topic...

Bent is a common euphamism for a recumbent bicycle.

Bent is also a euphamism for gay...

discuss...




meh, deys just farblondzhet, right?

Andy Pandy said...

Joe = Financially challenged call centre jock who works Night Shift and has no life.

I thought that the crabon fibre mines had been closed some years on due to mesothemia , via union OHS based action, until the invention of cheap third world labour markets made crabon a reality again for the cash flushed masses of non caring cyclists.

You would think in any futuristic design that the chain line length might not replicate Interstate One. Think of the evil crosses that you could set up, and double up as a chain saw that you could contract cut wood whilst on a ride. Nice to see that they Cycling magazine is examining all the hot issues…. Pregnancy and Riding

Driven by cosmic symmetry would not the perfect number of spacers on a Seven would be seven. That would make all those dinner party dandies swoon when talking about their latest acquisition

Frills….. if you have any further difficulties in transition putting on the brassiere then I can postulate that A/. several of our friends here will assist you or

B/. Let simple harmonic motion and wet tee shirts do their stuff.

frilly said...

AP--

A/. There might be one or two that would get the green light.

B/. Wrong contest!

brettok said...

I can't believe I'm getting into this, being a podium hater and all, but the 1st real comment thing shall be called the 1st PRC (Post-Related Comment). The comment shall be made only after reding the entire post, and then you can make a comment. Not just something like "wow, that bike has an infinite amount of gears", but something poignant or at least attempting to embellish the Snob's post. There, looks like we got us some rules! Oh fuck, somebody kill me, I obviously have no life...

Anonymous said...

it's called paleo-future

Andy Pandy said...

Your right Frills , that was at the all night celebrations and the jelly wrestling competition where Red chucked in a gator with the gals to make things a bit more frisky....
PS Well done anyway

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!
took a day off...

T. McKay Battles said...

Lucky7,

i like your style. total comment board breakdown, so thorough as to even commend cool's semicolon usage. well done.

Embers said...

this reminds me of a running curiosity/prediction we have been having of when in the coming days/years will will the purist multi-speed riders rise up against the overwhelming abundance of electric shifting bikes?? 5 years? 10, 20??? how long will it take to trickle down to the entry level? 10 years ago 9 speed was fresh and new, and most suspension forks had tubes of rubber inside of them, now we have 11 speeds and the brain shock. its only a matter of time... cable shifting is so 90's

Anonymous said...

if i were phelps i would have simply denied it was me in the photo! there is nothing distinguishing about the photo, it could be any fucking dumb jock...

bikesgonewild said...

...ya, the party was aces, lucky 7...

...i simply view my literary proclivity as a gift from a higher power (how high ???...that is obviously disputable) but truly the inspiration was from urchin award winning foto...

...i heard the urch had a late night case of somnambulant peregrinations & the report is, yes, there was a cat on his head...

...personally, i was busy singing the praises of the 'uni-crown'...at least i think she said her name was uni or maybe yuni...either way, european chick w/ an accent...nice...

bikesgonewild said...

...re:- "taintal cutouts"...

...personal bike fittings...custom made framesets...custom made riding shoes...why not custom cut-out saddles ???...

..."taint misbehavin' ???"...come in & have one of our technicians custom cut-out a saddle to fit you & your taint...

...while our competitors still use plaster casts for measurement, we've upgraded to a new ultra-laser system which will measure you in 64 different directions...innies, outties, smooth, lumpy, phallic or vaginac...
...we're here to address both your private(s) & personal needs
...

...disclaimer::: any & all rumors of nasty taintal laser burns were perpetrated by jealous competitors...one exception does not a pattern make & the doctor emphasis's that the patient has a 63% chance of riding at least a recumbent within a few more years...

7sp said...

BGW 3:14

Throw in a happy ending and I'm ponying up!






...Saddle.

bikesgonewild said...

...hell, 7sd...

...bring in some investment capital & we can partner a new business venture...

...just sayin'...

the urban cowboy said...

have you seen this?
http://www.babelgum.com/html/clip.php?clipId=117754&utm_campaign=cat_nature&utm_medium=cpc_socialmedia&utm_source=facebook&utm_content=nakedbikeride&utm_term=


?

shmaltz herring said...

The only moustache bars in 1983 belonged to hall-of-famer Rollie Fingers. Although he took the 1983 season off because of an arm injury, he apparently appeared on Family Feud that year, where host Richard Dawson led the crowd in a chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." So, yeah, I can see why someone would want to acknowledge that special moment with his choice in handlebars. I guess Snob didn't pick up on that pretty obvious reference.

Anonymous said...

Them isn't moustache bars though.

Flipped north roads/albatrossesess.

shmaltz herring said...

Even if they are albatross bars, I think the cultural reference is still totally obvious. Monthy Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl came out in 1982. Everyone remembers that albatross vendor skit:

Albatross Woman: I don't have any ice creams, I've just got this albatross. ALBATROSS.
Wife: What flavour is it?
Albatross Woman: ...Well it's an albatross. Isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS.
Wife: It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour.
Albatross Woman: All right. All right. It's bloody... albatross flavour... Bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour. ALBATROSS.

Although the movie came out in 1982, I'm sure plenty of people watched it in 1983. So there.

Anonymous said...

Anon February 4, 2009 2:01 AM-

Why fess up that it was mary jane in the bowl? Could have been taken at a hookah bar - apple tobacco anyone? Phelps needs a good attorney and needs to stfu!

Anonymous said...

Now the rest of the world thinks all American athletes are underachieving potheads...

Now we know wy he ate all that food.

Anonymous said...

http://www.fitness-singles.com/register-land.asp?fit=Cycling&i=1

CommieCanuck said...

Taintal love,
taintal love,

touch me baby taintal love,
touch me baby taintal love,

leroy said...

Anon 11:13 AM --

Even if you never, ever remember anything else from the internet, if you remember the following, your time will have been well spent:

A screw up is forgivable; a cover up is not.

Lucky 7 said...

It's a saint-shaped taint.

Catmando= writing on a passed out person's face with sharpie. Sounds like Urch just got a cat to the head instead.

Thanks TMKB and BGW. ACRO POST

Tainted love...


A

kale said...

If Boonen can get away with a little coke use, then I sure hope that Phelps gets through the bong incident.

Anonymous said...

"...A screw up is forgivable; a cover up is not."

In the court of public opinion, that is true. In the court of a South Carolina redneck county, you are better off covering up...

hillier99 said...

Lantern Rouge

Wim Vansevenant said...

hillier99-

Ah, no. I don't think so.

Anonymous said...

1000 Gears? If there's no "one chain" requirement, that's pretty lame. I can design that 5hit in my head right now. 3 rings up front, 3 10-speed cassettes connected tandem style w/deraillers = 3000 gears. What kind of a weak record is that? Boston tall-bike dudes: get on this immediately.

Anonymous said...

80's cool from DC craigslist: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/bik/1021107286.html

96 gears on my bike said...

well people the bike now has 120 gears and i`m planning more. i also have i single speed aswell.

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