The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Crappy Weather

Inhabitants of the snowbelt may scoff, but here in the New York City metropolitan area we're experiencing what we amateur meteorologists call "crappy weather." The scientific explanation for this is that a front of crap is moving through our region, carrying with it such crappy things as snow and coldness. Temperatures are below 20 degrees Fahrenheit, which is about [mumblemumblemumble] degrees Celsius. Of course, as anybody who watches the weather knows, we no longer go by Fahrenheit or Celsius. We go by "feels like." According to Weather.com it "feels like" 4 degrees Fahrenheit right now. (Weather.com arrives at this figure by forcing three naked people to stand outside for five minutes and then guess how cold it is. They then take an average of the responses.) According to me, it "feels like" my nose hairs are freezing.

My biggest regret this morning (besides not having just stayed in bed, where the "feels like" was "womb-ish") was using a bicycle equipped with brakes and fenders. (If you're reading this in England, "fenders" are the same as "mudguards." And if you're reading this in Australia, "fenders" are "wheel wallabys.") Sure, I was able to both stop and maintain a high degree of dryness, but I totally ruined my bike's "clean lines" and subtracted fistfuls of points from my already minimal "street cred":



However, I consoled myself with the knowledge that pad-to-rim braking is vastly better than tire-to-pavement braking when the street looks like this:




By the way, if you're wondering about conditions on the bridges, as of this morning the Manhattan Bridge was perfectly passable. In fact, it was salty and crunchy, like a great big fried chicken leg:




Visibility, on the other hand, was extremely poor. So, after a morning spent deliberating between the bike and the helicopter, I was pleased to discover I had made the right choice:



Despite the conditions, those with considerably more "street-cred" than I have still ran/rocked fenderless and brakeless bikes:



They were, however, running/rocking them very slowly. They weren't so much "slaying" as they were tapping lightly, like you might tap at a hard-boiled egg with a spoon. I don't know exactly how fast this rider was going, but the "feels like" was about 6 mph, or [mumblemumblemumble] kph.

But as nonplussed as I am by brakeless riding, there are times when it can be impressive. I recently received an email from Knog. At first, I was afraid to read it because I figured they were just asking for their lights back (I've been using them as nightlights so I can find my way to the bathroom), but it actually turned out to be a link to a highly impressive BMX trick called a "flair to footjam." I'd have thought a "flair to footjam" would simply involve mincing around in a dress for awhile and then stubbing your toe, but it actually involves going upside down:

And then stopping yourself with your foot:

Now that is hard.

Fresh off of this video, I decided to see what those other brakeless riders--the fixed-gear freestylers--have been doing lately. Are they finally giving the BMXers a brakeless run for their money? I did a quick footjam with my brakeless mouse and headed over to trackosaurusrex to check in on the latest videos. I found this. Basically, the rider wanders around slowly like a character in an 80s video game looking for bonus points. Here he rides up something and then kisses a railing with his front wheel:



Here he rides on a surface almost as banked as the tracks his bike was actually meant for:



Here he goes up in the air a tiny bit:




Well, he did plenty of stuff I probably couldn't do on a track bike, but nothing came close to the flair to footjam. Feeling let down, I continued searching for an impressive video. Finally, I found one: Fixed Gear Chicago. This may be my favorite fixed-gear video to date. This isn't because it features impressive tricks--it doesn't. No, I love this video because it's got character. First, it opens with one of the riders putting on his sneakers in his loft apartment:



Then, he enters his apartment building's vast bike room by means of a magnetic card key in his wallet. (I'd have expected a wallet chain, but I guess it would have to be inconveniently long.):



Once inside, he makes a beeline for his Bianchi San Jose with flat pedals and no foot retention...:



...or handlebar drops:



Then, his buddy "slays" some trackstands in front of some people on the sidewalk in a fancy-looking neighborhood. (In your face, yuppies!):


Then they take it to the streets:



I'm not sure if this video is sincere or a parody, but either way I greatly enjoyed it since it's in the true fixed-gear spirit: all flair, no footjams.