Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Mallrats: Where Trends Go To Die


(Unity, by Erik K)

As much as I long for a world in which cyclists and religious people can share the city's roads, even I must admit we have a long way to go. After all, the differences between us run deep--all the way down to the dermis layer of the skin. As we've seen time and time again, tattoos and cycling are inextricably (and indelibly) intertwined. Add to that the compulsion to display that skin without any clothes on it and you're sure to offend the devout:


A reader recently sent me the above image, which would most certainly enrage (and possibly arouse) any orthodox Jew worth his payis. As per my standard practice, I've applied both clothing and a sepia tone for art's sake, though you're perfectly welcome to view the non-sepia and unsafe-for-work version here. In case you can't make out the lettering on the tattoo, it says, "Every car a murder, every bike a love affair," making it perhaps one of the most politically-charged tramp stamps I've ever seen. I'm not sure why she's kneeling at the credenza, but it may have something to do with the dual cassette deck, and I've got a feeling she may be about to engage in a naked and sweaty tape-dubbing session.

Speaking of tattoos and positions, I think it's worth noting that one tattoo operation is currently positioning itself as the Supercuts of tattoo studios. According to the Wall Street Journal (which is shifting to trend reporting since there's no Wall Street anymore) Tattoo Nation in New Jersey is planning to become the first mall-based tattoo chain in the United States (and presumably the world):


The unintentionally sexual implications of a tramp stamp that says "Resilience" notwithstanding, the presence of tattoo studios in America's malls means that the tattoo has now officially become an impulse purchase, and that you'll soon be able to get a knuckle tattoo and a personalized hammock plaque under the same roof. I must admit that, as popular as tattoos have become, I did not see this coming. Of all the reasons I imagined people would become embarrassed about their tattoos, I never imagined one of them would be that other people might think they got it at the mall.

Then again, trends don't end with a bang--they end with a whimper. And the whimpering is the sound they make when they're neutered, packaged, and made readily available for mainstream consumption. Certainly the fate of the tattoo hints at the fate of the fixed-gear, and irreverent bikes like this (spotted by a reader in San Diego) will one day become extinct:


Personally, I feel that a wheel-borne message should be succinct, and so I found this one somewhat vexing. First of all, I'm not sure what "Fuck Nut Huggers" means. Is the rider simply averse to tight pants, or is "Fuck Nut Huggers" a band, like the Squirrel Nut Zippers? I'm also confused by the phrase "Fagget Ass Hipsters." At first I thought maybe it was a misspelling of the pejorative "faggot," but I ruled this out for two reasons: 1) everything else is spelled correctly; and 2) the rider is obviously a hipster himself, as evidenced by the hipster cyst on his headtube (and pretty much everything else about the bike too), so I doubt he'd insult them. And even if he is in fact a gay hipster who is trying to de-fang the slur by owning it, he would have spelled the word correctly. No, it's quite clear to me that he's trying to phonetically convey a "Sopranos"-type accent, and what he's imploring his fellow hipsters to do is to "Forget ass, hipsters." In other words, don't be distracted by tramp stamp-having, tape-dubbing, bare-bottomed sepia models like the one above--just ride your bike instead. (Preferably while listening to the Fuck Nut Huggers.)

I'd also imagine the fixed-gear trend whimpered audibly when this issue of the British Men's Health (forwarded to me by a reader) hit the stands:



In it, they travel to New York City to meet and photograph real, live cyclists like this one:


"I'm all about shirts and jeans. Jeans in the city are key because you're always squeezing through traffic and scraping your legs. I often wear a bandana over my nose and mouth so I don't breathe in all those nasty car fumes. The best advice I can give is to keep your bike clean. No bells, no racks, no breaks [sic], no gadgets."

Oh yeah, that's all great advice. I've been riding in New York City for a long time, but I've never had a problem with scraping my legs in traffic. I suppose this is either because I don't ride hard enough, or because I actually have some degree of spatial intelligence which, combined with handlebars that are actually wider than the distance between my nipples, helps me to determine where I can fit and where I can't. His point is well-taken, though, and I'm sure if I do find myself scraping my legs on cars I'll run right out and buy a pair of Paul Smith jeans. I also agree that you should avoid things like racks and brakes. These things are terrible for cycling in New York City, since they'll conspire to make your bike useful and will detract from the overall non-functionality of your bike. Certainly when you're riding in Paul Smith jeans you wouldn't want something like a fender on your bike. That might help keep them clean. No, you're much better off giving them that distressed look by rubbing them against cars.

But of course as the article below points out, "riding fixed isn't for the faint-hearted." And apparently riding with brakes and a rack is faint-hearted, but riding with a hanky on your face like an Upper East Side dowager walking her poodle so you don't have to experience any nasty smells is not.

In any case, it's good to see more people are using my template.



Yes, you should always be sure to ride with friends. There's nothing lamer than engaging in trendy behavior by yourself. And even more important, make sure you're also wearing $900 in clothing.*

*(Remember that tattoo price should not be included when determining overall outfit cost.)

115 comments:

Greg said...

FIRST!

krazygl00 said...

FTW!

Anonymous said...

bull

Andrew said...

Oh top ten?! That's a first!

Anonymous said...

"personalized hammock plaque" sounds so dirty.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I saw a Miyata Titanium with Spinergy Rev-X wheels. The rear had a black plastic pie-plate that was twice the diameter of the largest cog. It was locked up outside the Ballard (Seattle) Goodwill.

db said...

Yeah, a Men's Health article definitely signals the beginning of the end. Especially when they use "breaks" for "brakes".

Jelliot said...

Esta Bien!

Anonymous said...

Pod to tha TEN? ....IUM?

Anonymous said...

Tenium.

Joe Sixpack's Old Lady said...

Gawd, think of the tattoos ya could git with $150,000!

Anonymous said...

the tattoos would have to be later donated to charity, of course

Jonnie D said...

I disagree, I feel more at one with the bike when I interact with it, changing gears, using brakes, generally feeling it being useful beneath me.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

anon1st!

JPB said...

I have been waiting for my next tattoo appointment since last December. With only three weeks to go, I find out I could just walk into the mall and pick a design off a chart on the wall!?!? Why didn't anybody tell me?!

Not sure why I bothered with a year long waiting list, cuz "a tattooist is a tattooist"

Mark said...

Squirrel Nut Zippers... wow, just wow.

frilly said...

Oh, snob, three posts in a row with that MH cover. Wow.

If this keeps up, I'm gonna be blind by Thursday.

mr.complaint said...

your'e?

(Its/It's) not my turn to take out the trash.
(Your/you're) jeans really needs to be washed.
(Its/It's) not nice to depend on (your/you're) mom to do it for you.
Are you really going to offer (your/you're) sister (your/you're) bicycle?
(Its/It's) a nice gesture, but (your/you're) going to regret it!
(There/Their/They're) aren't very many people who wear mohawks anymore.
I wonder if (its/it's) because (there/their/they're) heads were cold.
He's not too excited to take his little sister to see the new Disney cartoon, even though (there/their/they're) might be free popcorn.

Critical Ass said...

This chess match has gotta happen...it could be online, perhaps.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Critical Ass,

I don't know how to play chess, or golf for that matter. (He challenged me to a golf game in a different video. I was wondering why he kept mentioning sandwiches, but it turns out he was saying "sand wedge.")

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

scrapes and jeans makes sense. Also shaved legs, save for the hairkini the ladies can't get enough of.

bloodline said...

new moon = time to shave my legs

Spokes... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Slappy said...

"dowager"

What's that?

Daddo said...

hipsters: "at one with bike, at one with bike, at one with bike"
roadie girlfriend who borrows fixed gear bike: "just keep pedaling, just keep pedaling, just keep pedaling"

tattoos were already getting very mall like, but this truly drops them into the trashbin. I think we ought to add spotting a fixed gear at Spencer's gifts to the list of apocalypse signs

Spokes... said...

Speaking of riding with friends…anyone know the status of the NYPD cop that tackled the critical mass rider a few weeks back?

Danimal said...

anon 1:02 I seriously can't stop laughing. Oh Jesus.

Camp Cupboard said...

Why is homie on the Swobo making fun of riding cheap bikes?

Anonymous said...

Slappy, Google is your friend. Sheesh!

red neckerson said...

when i was at the country music hall of fame i went to the bathroom and saw some numnut standing there with his dong in his hands and i ast 'yor peein'?' and he said no he was canadian so i beat the shit out of him

Critical Ass said...

Okay, how about a checkers match instead...or maybe a closed-course crit in downtown Spartanburg on matching gas-pipe Huffies? Now I would pay to watch that.

Anonymous said...

RTMS,

screw chess. race him.

Joe the Half Ass Plumber said...

Damn it, Red, get back to work!

Critical Ass said...

Now that I've perused the Gay Men's health article (not that there's anything wrong with that), I noticed the quote "the purity of riding without cogs and a rear derailleur creates a smoother ride" on the same page as the picture of the clown on the Swobo. Are they now taking the cog off too and just tensioning the shit out of the chain, letting it ride on the threads of the Phil hub? Less noise perhaps?

Commiecanuk said...

oh yes, fuck nut huggers, that would make a great tattoo.

Men's Health is written by the same people who write "Peepel" and "Bisighcling" magazines.

101 reasons why a big mac is ok:

#93 - you're just going to barf it up anyway, it's disgusting.

#94 - if you're reading this magazine, you've got bigger issues with latent homosexuality than diet, so go ahead and eat that crap.

Triple your sex appeal...unfortunately, three times zero is still...

Rock hard abs, we all need rock hard abs, my current anti-lock breaking system is far too soft.

How to get this body: hang out at the Piccadilly McDonald's bathroom and tap three times on the stall door and ask for, "the full Larry Craig".

36 Superfoods for men

#12 -the hot Italian sausage
#13 -the Hasselhoff bratwurst
...#36 -the long tubular innuendo

Commiecanuk said...

so redneck.. let me get this straight (no pun), you went into a public bathroom, stared at a man's penis, you then did something to him that involves him losing feces.

Sounds like a fan letter to Men's Health.

Martin Van Nostrand said...

oh commie...burn

Gnarles Darwin said...

The "Fuck Nut Huggers" bike isn't even locked up. If this was just spotted by a reader then I would have to guess that the front wheel text is a sort of hipster version of the "No Trespassing" sign or the "Keep Honking I'm Reloading" or "Beware of Guard Dog" signs you find on our more rural minded brethren property. It serves as a scare tactic to ward of any would be hipster bike thief who otherwise wouldn't hesitate to hop on ride like the fugitive bike salmon he/she is.

Maybe

Tex said...

Hmm. That front wheel is nicely posed, too, with the semi-literate slur at the top. Nice touch.

Commiecanuk said...

gnarles,

Stats show that most bike thieves are, in fact, nut huggers.

Mark said...

Happy Diwali!

I'm too sexy for the Podium today!

Need to take the knuckle tats a step further and have butt cheek tats where the middle "O" is dependent upon whether you spread them enough. Extra credit for YoYos and Packages in the pictures!

streepo said...

Maybe missing punctuation?

Fuck, nut huggers!!
Fuck nut, huggers!
Fuck nut huggers?
Fuck, nut huggers?

libertyonbikes! said...

so close! going from the first photo, i thought it'ld be fixed gears in the mall (vs. TO the mall)
i'm sure hot topic will work in some cardboard cutout of a track bike, just like pacsun does surfboards. tattoos? didn't they go out in the late 90's? it'll die a second(3rd, or 4th) death, probably taking the same train as the fixed gear & being HIP, 'cause after 30 you can't be hip, so what becomes of them?

Anonymous said...

No nut huggers? But I loves me a nice horizontal top tube, with about 4" of seatpost showing, max.

Gnarles Darwin said...

And if those "Nut Huggers" jump on that bike, they're gonna be Fucked!

AskReamer said...

I mentioned this last week, but it seems to be more appropriate with this post - I teach 8th graders who are coming to school on fixed gears. It's a wrap, folks.

AskReamer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Fuck Nut Huggers/Fagget Hippsters: a Manichean dualism -- the stark opposition of the dark and the light -- or, perhaps more accurately, a Zen-like intermingling of yin and yang -- the perfect balance -- a balance that somehow induces a stomach evacuating vertigo.

dmitri fofonov said...

Babushka tell me that Obama is not being too tidy with your Mr. Plummer. She says not to publicly humiliate him, but to have him declared insane and commit him to psychiatric hospital where he cannot plea for himself. She says it work very well in old Soviet Union that she misses.

In person I have no interest in political issues other than concerning use of natural and safe nutritional supplements to give relief for muscle cramps.

Guiseppi del Plumeri said...

Questo prodotto contiene lattice di gomma naturale che puo causare reazioni allergiche.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, you have been on fire of late, buy I have two bones to pick with you.
First, since you have the photoshop skills to clothe and sepia-tone our model, you have the photoshop skills to remove the zits from her ass in the original photo. USE THEM.
Second, when I visited the payis link, they suggested that I would also want to buy the 14" ECONOMY beard and moustache. Those anti-semetic bastards just ASSUME that I am too cheap to buy the 14" DELUXE beard and moustache?

bikesgonewild said...

...so...red neckerson...

...i won't say ya got sonned by commiecanuk but i think he proved canadians don't go down w/out a fight...

...just sayin', eh ???...

leroy said...

Well, I for one, second that "ride with friends" sentiment.

This weekend in Prospect Park (okay this Sunday, I was too much of a wuss to brave the bad weather Saturday), I was riding behind a stranger who decided to clear his nasal passages.

A ten yard gap doesn't count as drafting, but I still got more humidity than I bargained for.

Friends don't make friends dodge snot rockets.

That wasn't nearly as edifying as my experience in Prospect Park last Spring.

I was riding behind a Jamaican with his dreadlocks flying when an Orthodox rider pulled behind me with his payis flying.

Only in New York.

British Mens Health should have been there to interview us about hair care, now that would have been journalism.

Rusty Trombone said...

BLUM PKIN

John said...

I'm dying to know what that chick with the BAKE knuckle tattoo has on her other four knuckles! SALE???

That Fagget bike is obviously using Nut Huggers to refer to the top tube ball-sackers.

And, just sayin, cuz Mr. Grammar isn't around, don't you mean "whimper"?

Anonymous said...

FUCK COGS

BikeSnobNYC said...

John,

Yes. Yes I do.

--BSNYC

BikeSnobNYC said...

MISS SPEL

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

FNH!!

red neckerson said...

all you canadians suck my balls

Anonymous said...

What's your bike gonna be for tricks n treats? Mine's gonna be wearin nut huggers.

BIKO WEEN

Anonymous said...

No one has ever yelled, "Hey Fuck Nut!" to you? This is a common occurence at construction sites across America. "Fuck Nut Huggers" are the people that still care enough for the Fuck Nut to give him/her a hug at the end of a long day.

The guy with the bike was just showing his appreciation, seeing as he is likely a Fuck Nut himself...

Brendan said...

I think the Fuck Nut Huggers used to open for the Weasel Squeezers back in the day. Or, was that the Plum Smugglers?

Uncle Ted said...

Careful, Red! You neve know which one of those guys hanging around in the rest room might be an undercover cop, or even a stray senator. You could get you self in a passel of trouble.

frilly said...

anon 3:53, so if I follow what you're saying, then wouldn't we all be fuck nuts? Unless a person were to take some kind of vow of abstinence, then that person would be just a nut.

Anonymous said...

It's safe to say, Frilly, that in someone's eyes, we are all "Fuck Nuts". No matter how you interpret those two words.

Jim said...

"dowager"

What's that?


It involves gambling away your money by betting it on derivatives comprised of fractional future values the top 30 industrial stocks listed on the New York Market, as opposed to betting on horses, or the over/under on whether we have urban riots versus an upswing in militia recruits post-election.

A neologism of (Dow Jones Industrials Average) + (Wager).

Heckler said...

Piccadilly McDonald's, HA! What great memories, where everything out of the Fry-o-Lator tasted like fish. And not in a good, healthy, Omega-3 way...

Anonymous said...

MALL RAT!

brews said...

Damn, the Snob offered a closed course crit in Sparkle City. That would be a sight

opinionated cyclist said...

Baahksnawb Neew Yourk Cittay, I challenge yeew, Bikesnob, tew ay Bihg Mawk Eetin' cawntest! Bawhksnaw, yew hawv naw ideeah haw maney Beiag Mawks, Biahksnawb, I weel eats befaw ya. Bahksnawb, ah will git suhm Rawk Hawrd Abdom-eenals, Baksnab, befaw ya. Ah may hukup mah, Bahaksnawb ah say, mah a rotatolating reeseshun-proof, Bikesnawb, diet musheen and win!

Anonymous said...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/896786983.html

Pioneering hand positions.

red neckerson said...

opinionated cyclist your a fucking idiot

just sayin

Anonymous said...

for the record:
the homophobic front wheel belongs to a person who is in the process of making a feature about fixed gear trick-bike riding... what a way to garner support.

so, not only is he guilty of being a complete idiot but also guilty of being a leech!

CJ Eder said...

Haven't you noticed, trends don't die anymore, they just get downward recycled into generic graphic tees at wal-mart.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

A chess match with Opinionated Cyclist?

Now what apocalyptic scene does that remind me of?

Oh yes, now I remember.

Here it is.

http://tinyurl.com/6lf5ex

Golly that Opinionated Cyclist is a wily one. Best be careful BSNYC.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:53, all that Pista needs is some bar ends. Then it would truly be awesome.

Anonymous said...

red neckerson:

It's *THE* Opinionated Cyclist.
That was an imposter.
There was no link to a website selling nutitional supplements or dog guards in the post.

And furthermore, even after the targeted spelling quiz kindly provided in the comments, you still mispelt "you're" and that baffles me.

You must've been quite upset.

Unless it was an ironic mispelling.
That's fine by me.

But please carry on... I fully support your attacks on Canadians.

Get back in there, go for the left side. The left is always weak.

Anonymous said...

wow,,you are really snobby...
Mens Health UK...
way better than TMZ,, or Fox news,,or even the Voice..
But i do think that people should listen to your educated comments and advice,,,,and throw away their fixed gears,,,your right,,,its lame now that everyone harps about it (you)...
you should prolly throw your bike in the trash too..
you might want to keep all your flashers and reflectors..you could still use them for speed walking.........PS,,,,dont let me catch you on the bridge,,,,automatic pump in the spoke,,,,,,,,

Health Nut Hugger said...

The Armani bag featured in Men's Health is the most health-promoting bag I own.

But I tried that belt once, and the belt actually made me sick. I'm not alone with that experience.

I'm surprised Men's Health would promote products that don't improve health or health awareness for men.

"I always keep a U-lock in my back pocket to stop thieves in the gritty NYC streets, too."

Well, it ain't stopping thieves sitting in that back pocket.
Or is it preventing U-lock thieves?

BSNYC (and other NYC denizens), are the NYC streets especially gritty?
Do you commonly refer to their grittiness when interviewed?

manicallday said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I bet the Men's Health editors thought "no breaks" meant "not stopping to catch your breath"....lol.

Anonymous said...

FNUT HGRS

Critical Ass said...

I thought a Fuck Nut was some type of chain tensioner made by Surly.

Or maybe a device used to attach optional accessories to a Fuck Stick.

Andy Pandy said...

The payis is a little yesterday, a little too much cabin fever infested lumberjack , I want the furry donut hat and long white walk soxs and matching knee length shorts.
Bandanas are only good for particulate based pollutions as most car exhausts are gas phase and will pass through said material device with the ease of a rat up a drain pipe or a prom queen on roofies or something

Red, me thinks you are givin a little too much away of your TRUE identity….. ….

kale said...

The "hugger" bike is kinda fishy.

A- Not locked to bikerack 3 feet away?(SD is still thief-friendly)

B- Two sizes of vinyl lettering?

Has BKJimmyLAB taken a look at this? I tried to zoom in but it's really pixelated. It still looks like the CK in FUCK NUT is touching the bead. I'd hate to have someone try to pass off a fugazi and tarnish the AYHSMB legend.

Also... are there enough hipsters in Socal to generate this much animosity?

PS Bikesnob, you probably should follow up on that chess match. Where I come from, a man who turns down a chess match can ne'er hold his head high. Maybe a game of ExciteBike would be more fitting (and gritty).

Mark said...

Frilly,
I dunno...is "fuck nut" gender specific? Would you be a "Fuck Lips"?

Anal Squirrel said...

NUTT FUCK

Andy Pandy said...

Watching the ol' OP I got a chill and/ or a flash back. He looks similar , sounds and phrases the same and rants like Bob Dylan which could explain alot about his mental state and attachment issues

frilly said...

Mark, perhaps I misunderstood that anon. I thought he was speaking of nut as in deranged mental state, i.e. the OC. Speaking of the OC, I accidentally stumbled on his whazzup brit video & dare I say, he had a few moments, when he was talking about brit & her boyfriend, where he was sort of funny & kinda sweet. I couldn't get through the whole video so maybe I only saw the part before he went off his rocker.
And, I don't even wanna think about what this says about my mental state. Sheesh.

bikesgonewild said...

...bob dylan = creative genius...

...opinionated cyclist = not so much...

Africancellmates said...

Hahahaha I know the guy with the "fuck nut huggers" bike. His name is Chris. But everybody calls him Big Black Chris. He probably took the picture himself and posted it somewhere online. Which would explain why it isn't locked up.

Anonymous said...

Damn... I started riding in 1969 and got my first tattoo in 1985.

Fucking hipsters came along and ruined everything..!

Andy Pandy said...

True genius is difficult to understand and a little freaky... look at Steven Hawkins for an example - part dalek part visionary... destroy destroy. The Ol Op Cyc boy is a genius in his own porrige foggy world.Perhaps chinese checkers would be a little less staining on his mental demands.

frilly said...

AP, agreed. When he showed those couple moments of lucidity, he was actually spot on. Frightening.
Interesting post earlier about particulates & phases, methinks you are giving away a bit about your true identity.

Andy Pandy said...

I can actually sit through his vidz now, which is starting to scare me. I would say however that the fresh air he is getting (cos he chewed his way through his lead) and exercise via his golf practice, is doing him the world of good as he looks as if he is puting on some weight and geting some colour ( other than face paint green) and the time inside is now behind him, I hope.

Full time rocket scientist as prior confessed to

frilly said...

'cos he chewed his way through his lead'

*chortle*

Full-time rocket scientist? Good on ya. I barely got through astronomy lab unscathed-calculating orbits & distances between stars was a real ass kicker.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: opinionated cyclist's supposed lucidity...

...even a broken clock is right twice a day...

...tick, tock...just sayin'...

bronxbound said...

People often wonder why I yell at myself "i hate GOD or I hate this Fucking Planet"! Well if you don't know now you know you know Notorious BIG.

Anonymous said...

MENZ HLTH

two_wheels_good said...

From the Men's Health article:
"There's not much point in spending thousands of pounds on a super-light carbon nanotube frame, if you're then going to load it down with multiple gears."

I find I only agree with the first half of that statement.

Dane said...

you made that very enjoyable.


life sucks

David Byrne said...

"Every Car a Murder, Every Bike a Love Affair" sounds like a Morrissey B-side.

Anonymous said...

FGG Spawned a Monster

Anonymous said...

NOBR AINS

b. said...

love that shit. that would explain the explosion in cool people on bikes in london.

as an amendment - there is a mall chain tattoo parlour in South Africa called Tattoo Style. I got one there when i was cool, which was many years ago.

bogey4 said...

why are his hands so close together on the bars? its just silly and he has less control. Eff this.

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