Monday, August 11, 2008

Worst of Craigslist: Delicious, Savory Bike Love

It would appear that the New York Times article I posted about on Saturday (yes, Saturday--I got out of bed and everything) has once again raised the eternal driver vs. cyclist debate. Personally, I find debates tiresome, and when I sense them coming on I feel that same sense of dread I get when a recumbent rider's dayglo orange flag appears on the horizon, because in both cases I know something dorky and unwieldy is about to follow. What's especially frustrating is that most eternal debates are actually quite easy to settle. Nonetheless, we continue to return to them, like the dog returneth unto his vomit, or like Cadel Evans returneth unto the Tour de France. It's the Sisyphian futility of life.

Of course, part of the problem is that many of us identify too strongly with our vehicles, and we all feel as though everybody else should like them as much as we do, no matter whether that vehicle is a car, or a truck, or a bicycle, or some sort of bathyscape. Consequently, we're often enraged when we don't get that approval--even when our vehicle is kind of goofy. For example, it would appear that last Thursday's post has enraged a group of Mini owners. I have to admit that I didn't see this coming, much like I didn't see the tree that toppled me from my mountain bike some time ago. But I also have to admit that I was pretty stupid not to have expected it--just like I was pretty stupid not to have expected the tree, especially since it has probably been standing in the exact same spot since back when Minis were Austins. Because when Mini drivers order up their rally-inspired sticker kits and strap themselves into their little fun boxes, they feel good about themselves, and they think the rest of the world should feel good about them too.

But that's not how it works. You should respect everything, but you don't have to like anything. When someone sees me out there in my moisture-wicking chicken suit pedaling the ironic Orange Julius bike down to the Jamba Juice store in order to throw rocks through the front window, they don't have to like me, they just have to respect me as a road user. (And trust me, nothing commands respect like a chicken suit.) Nobody's as cool as they think they are, and no matter what, you look ridiculous to somebody.

So the point is: a) don't expect everybody to like your mode of transport, no matter how many wheels it has; and b) if you see someone in a chicken suit surrounded by a bunch of irate Mini drivers, like a scene out of "Maximum Overdrive" by way of Pixar, please stop and say hello. And please also feel free to save me.

That said, I'd like to explore what happens when people use their two-wheeled vehicles as a pretense for social interaction by checking in on the Craigslist Missed Connections:


you were riding your bike with no hands while eating a bagel - w4m - 24 (greenpoint)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-08-08, 8:57PM EDT

i saw you on my way to work this morning riding down manhattan ave towards williamsburg on your bike. i think you were riding a fixed and had dark hair with plugs in your ears? anyways, i was getting on my bike by peter pan bakery when you came barreling down the street right passed me. i was sooo in awe by the sight of it all, i just really want to meet you. it takes skills to ride with no hands and eat a bagel at the same time! i want to learn some tricks too!

Speaking of the driver vs. cyclist debate, this should dispel anybody's misconceptions that cyclists are behaving at all irresponsibly. I like to imagine that the rider was eating an everything bagel with cream cheese and lox, and that as he passed he took a bite of the bagel and a piece of cream cheese-covered lox slipped out of the sandwich and hung there flopping against his chin in the wind. I also like to think that the plugs in his ears were not headphones or jewelry, but were in fact rubber stoppers which he was keeping handy in order to seal his bottle of Cel-Rey. Like the poster, I too want to learn fixed-gear noshing tricks like this. However, I have sense enough to start small, so I've been practicing with bialys.




Obsessed with tacos, coffee; greenish eyes. - w4m - 27 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-08-09, 12:59AM EDT

I see you in Williamsburg a lot, eating tacos on the street. Sometimes drinking coffee, maybe it's tea, I don't know. You 're skinny-ish, have longish brownish hair and greeny-blue-y eyes. Once I heard you talking to your friends about Entourage. You have a bike, I think, and I saw you reading Nabakov once, too. I think. Not that I noticed, or anything.

Anyway, you're completely my type.

You looked at me once in a way that made me think, maybe I was your type too.


Obviously, eating ethnic foods is the new bar-spinning, because it's certainly getting the attention of the ladies. Of course, the real question is whether he can consume that taco while riding a fixed-gear, preferably with a couple of corks in his ear for his Jarritos.




Date: 2008-08-09, 1:51PM EDT

Me: in white shirt, black shorts, sun glasses riding a red Trek mountain bike listening to IPod. You: tall, handsome, with a great smile. I was having such a great workout in the lovely weather today (Saturday, August 9th), I passed up the chance to actually say hello, versus just smile hello. Hope I get a second chance....


Life presents second chances so seldom that I figured I'd help by re-posting this here. Also, I wanted to keep going with the food theme, since we've already seen the whimsical consumption of bagels and tacos, and this person's photos include one of her eating a piece of pizza in a charmingly irreverent fashion. It's a photo that says, "If I can have this much fun just eating pizza, imagine what a blast I am while doing other stuff! Brushing the cat, microwaving popcorn, and purchasing toilet paper are just a few more things I do with wide-eyed abandon and uninhibited joie de vivre." It also complements the other photos, one of which says, "I had a boyfriend until recently," and another of which says, "I have blonde friends for your friends too." But most importantly, I posted this for Amir, since this may very well have been the woman he's been pining for.






Riding My Bike, You Offered Me a BJ - m4w - 26 (Nolita / Bowery)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-08-10, 1:27AM EDT

You: curly haired, tall standing on Chrystie St. trying to hail a cab with your friend.

Me: dark haired, light blue football jersey, riding a bike

You asked me if I wanted to give you a ride, then said you'd blow me.

Email me

Like I said, life seldom offers you second chances, especially when it comes to random sex acts from strangers. An offer like this is not the sort of thing you mull over for awhile, decide a few hours later you want to act on, and then reply via Craigslist. Not only is the spontaneity gone, but so are whatever intoxicants that were compelling her to make the offer in the first place. In short, you missed your chance. But don't worry, you're probably better off. Life can be Sisyphian enough without also being syphilitic.

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

is back

Anonymous said...

wow

Anonymous said...

yeha

Anonymous said...

Ten ten damn

faw uck

Anonymous said...

Top 10.

genersal lsmenedd said...

polo bike

Anonymous said...

Could of finished on the podium, but I was listening to the podcast instead. Thanks a lot, Annazed.

Anonymous said...

Seventh ! I'd like to thank Entennmann's Training systems and Dunkin Donuts for energy drinks, the Int'l Brotherhood of PiePlate manufacturers for providing security and the recovery vehicle.

Anonymous said...

Wow what a great post...

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I was really eighth I spologize to seventh ... i was so excited i got carried away in my thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

Mazal tov!

Jeff said...

1. Who's narcissistic enough to think somebody might be looking for them in "missed connections"?

2. What ever happened to just talking to people?

3. I believe you meant "bite of the bagel" not "bike of the bagel."

Anonymous said...

Anyone else see Amir's swarthy mug in the NYIT ad in the Sunday NYT magazine? Can I get Amiracle?

Strayhorn said...

After having spent the weekend in the DuPont Circle area of DC, I now have a new appreciation of hipsters and the bikes they ride (or attempt to ride).

This has had two effects on me: I get a glimmer of what RTMS is really talking about, and I have a profound respect that he hasn't (yet) bought a handgun to deal with them.

tuppercole said...

Strayorn,
Wasn't it fabulous?!?!

Norman said...

Those mini drivers (ugh, no) sound like a rouudy bunch, what with their haircuts and nice shoes. I would not them withfuccen!

Anonymous said...

Now that we have established that RTMS is a conservative Jew, which narrows it down to only a handful of people in Brooklyn, we are given another valuable clue to his identity. Since Jewish folks love bagels, I think it's safe to say the no-handed rider by Peter Pan Bakery must be RTMS. I would assume he has some bike handling skills, but I wonder if he could handle a cell phone in one hand and a bagel in the other. Keep on the lookout...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of "missed connections" sort-of, Frilly, your post yesterday put me over the top. It's been building for some time now, and, despite your burgeoning relationship with Bikesgonewild, I simply have to tell you. I think I love you. Ahh, the idea of a cyclist woman who still likes to be pretty, and who talks of stuff like kitten heels at the same time as bicycle stuff, oh, a man can only dream...

Anonymous said...

1) Hooray for Cel-ray. Do you know how hard it is to find out west?
2) Is Chrystie Street anywhere near the Williamsburg Bridge - in case he wanted to take her up on the offer of some sweet dumpster sex?

Anonymous said...

I was eating baklava on my unicycle when a transvestite offered me a hand job...

Anonymous said...

"those who feel that you should never buy new clothes (go to the 'thrift shop')."

Oh my god, these people don't even consume... they probably don't even have a Master Card (SlaveMaster)! God, the horror of not feeling you must make yourself feel good by a little "retail therapy."

Fuck this, I'm going to visit a spa and get a pedicure.

"Come here poopsy, you can ride with me, in my lap, in the driver's seat while I chat it up with my future divorcee husband who will eventually find out I'm just to darn picky."

What a bitch!

Anonymous said...

First!

Strayhorn said...

sd said: Wasn't it fabulous?!?!

Curiously enough, the townhouse across the street from my daughter's place was for sale and the realtor's sign in the yard promised a "fabulous interior!"

Oh, and wearing a team jersey and PI bibs while riding a comfort bike? Not cool.

Anonymous said...

Oh BSNYC, you couldn't help bragging could you?

Your chicken suit has moisture wicking properties and a beak that opens so you can eat bialys.

Well that settles it.

I'm returning the chicken suit I got from Bike Nashbar.

So what it if it has three convenient pockets in the back. The GU Energy gels keep getting smeared on the beak.

Mark said...

Snobby, you catch that tree with Bar-ends?

Carlos from Philly said...

Not really relevant per se, but i recently philly car shared a mini this weekend.
wow.
without going into great detail re: how absolutely useless those cars are, i'll share my experience.

-The dials and gauges are an eye sore; the ammount of cheap plastic and pointless switches on the dash are certainly enough to turn a minor fender bender into a trip to an emergency room for both the driver and passengers (doctor: "i've never seen so much embedded plastic shards in my life!")
-The amount of storage in the car is akin to something you'd find in a vespa scooter. in fact, the mini reminded me much of a scooter with an umbrella, or perhaps one for fat people. I was able to carry more during recent trips on a bicycle using a backpack, and without looking like nearly as big a geek.
-They're slow and handle poorly

The mini, especially the convertible mini, is good for NO OTHER than fathers who would like to purchase cars for their daughters and want to insure against in-car conception, as there's quite simply no room in it for anything other than maybe holding hands. Used to be i saw a mini and laughed at its owner the way i'd laugh at a cyclist wearing a jersey under his bib; now i laugh the way i'd laugh at a said cyclist who also happened to run a record crankset with eggbeaters and mtb shoes, or perhaps a tt cervelo with a full camelbak.
after reading the cooper mini vs bikesnob thread, turns out i'm completely justified.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I guess, for giving us a glimpse of the mind of the Mini Cooper crowd. More anger and hate than I could have imagined from people driving dressed up go-carts. But I guess it's still all a part of the car vs. bike thing. Sounds like they're plotting a MINICRITICAL MASS to stop bike traffic.

Hmmmmm.

Funtarded indeed.

Without your constant exploration of the human experience Snobby, I would have never known it had gone this far ...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mark,

No, I pretty much rode right into it.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

Amir gets into pole position

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx --

You know, now that you mention it, Chrystie Street is only a couple of blocks from the Williamsburg Bridge.

But it's on the Manhattan side.

Anonymous said...

The mini crowd sounds like any group of people joined only by something that they "get", in this case a car. Some serious morons with the AC up looking for "targets" while texting or learning to text thier mastercard companys about the Lands End charges last month, and one or two reasonable voices pointing out how stupid the more vicious members are.

Anonymous said...

ouch! Dint know those mini owners were so sensitive. Snobby, you might want to apologize to them.

Anonymous said...

I think once you get the FGPP off your life list, you should start looking for Mini-Driving Schmoopy's "trendy new 'fixed gear' bikes with one gear, only a coaster brake"

Congratulations on pissing off a whole new group of people!

Anonymous said...

Carlos - I run eggbeaters and mtn bike shoes with my FSA K Force cranks. Works great, and it's interchangeable with my mtn setup, in case something breaks on either bike. Plus, I love looking uncool at group rides, it makes my riding seem that much better.

AH said...

I'm hoping -- HOPING -- that the first CL ad was meant to be ironic. If not, then that is some poor, sad, lonely girl.

"it takes skills to ride with no hands and eat a bagel at the same time!"

Sooo, are those the same as nunchuck skills?

Anonymous said...

"Sisyphean".

(Sorry.)

Oh, and to you other Cel-Ray enthusiasts, I've found it at Bevmo a few times.

Jim said...

BikeSnob - like the dog returns to his vomit? I'm guessing that make's you the burnt fool's bandaged finger, or perhaps one of the gods of the copybook headings.

Anonymous said...

That slice looks pretty good to me. The pizza doesnt look that bad either.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Doyle,

Thanks. You know, I double-checkd the spelling before posting yet still ended up misspelling it.

--BSNYC

AH said...

RTMS--
Thank you for linking the Mini forum. I'm going to have so much fun trolling that bunch of tossers.

Let the fun begin...

Anonymous said...

**trendy new 'fixed gear' bikes with one gear, only a coaster brake**

I wondered what they did with all of the Little 500 bikes after the race is over at Indiana U.

tuppercole said...

HOLY CRAP!!! Doyle is a spelling nerd. Who knew?

Anonymous said...

"You want to tell me who did it?

"It was dark... All I can tell your for sure is that they all wore Brut after-shave and reeked of Lavoris..." and drove a MINI!!!

Anonymous said...

SD,

You are surprised that Doyle is a spelling nerd but not that he posts on a bike forum?!

JPB

:) said...

BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA....

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

You might need to watch your back from now on. How embarrassing would it be to be run down by a Mini! Kinda like being mauled by a puppy.

JPB

Anonymous said...

Calling MINIs "rolling graduation presents" was generous, as nothing says high-school dropout as much as the sort of macho-posturing exhibited by those emoticon-loving MINI fanboys!

Anonymous said...

Stuggy-that's so sweet.

Doesn't have to be a missed connection, don'tcha know?

Anonymous said...

Thank you RTMS, I laughed my ass off for the first time in a while. Great post.

Anonymous said...

i looked at the mini cooper site and i gotta say them people are a bucnh of girlie men and lesbos. i don't really think chalize teron drove one of those cars because shes too cool to drive some dumbass car. that's what i think anyway.

Anonymous said...

The Mini forum shows that there're just as many assholes driving small cars as there are driving giant pickups and SUVs.

Their way to deal with those who don't like them? Joke about running them down with their cars, naturally.

That's fucked up.

Anonymous said...

To all MINI persons making threatening comments and generally labeling all cyclists as "hipsters" and making the 6'4 Marine reference:

I am an ex-Marine (actually once a marine, always a marine) and I am not a physically big man. And I ride a bike, almost exclusively. SO ... don't go categorizing folks ... and think twice about blindly getting into an altercation with anyone, driver or cyclist. The end results could be very bad. Very bad. Not talking shit, just stating the facts.

Never Judge A Book By It's Cover.

Semper Fi to all the Leathernecks, Devil Dogs and Teufel Hunden's everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Sure the track/fixed gear thing has jumped the shark.

But cyclocross is poised to be the next hipster thing!

People are already reformatting their 'track' blogs to 'CX' ones!

Suckers!!

veloben said...

Those Mini overs would probably be happier if they had bought a Fit.

AnnaZed said...

My boyfriend has brothers who are twins Between them they clock in at around 600 pounds (they are HUGE). Brother 2 just had his car impounded (driving without a license ~ Lord knows how that happened to him at 35 years of age). So, now brother 1 must ferry him to and from work on California highways in a Mini Cooper. It is both a tragic and very funny sight.

Anonymous said...

Having been pondering the hatred that is the Mini owner forum poster, I went back and re-read Thursday's blog to see what, if anything, might have sparked such ire. I can imagine that they are defined by what they have and not what they do (each poster lists the 'extras' they have on their cars, some of which are, I swear, "auto dim mirror, armrest, garage door opener") and therefore take any attack on the make and model of vehicle they own very personally. So personally, in fact, they wish all cyclists in general and Snob, in particular, to be run over for sport and/or contract testicular cancer.
One thing I noticed in all the anger:
None of them denied having "experimented with homosexuality at their liberal arts college--they enjoy flirting with a lifestyle they don't understand in an environment where it's looked upon favorably, but as soon as it becomes difficult, unsafe or embarrassing they conveniently abandon it".

So, I can only imagine that they are just mad to have been "outed".
just sayin'
ironic that the mini slogan is "happy motoring"

Anonymous said...

Oooh, you offended me because of my silly little car, now I'm going to bitch about it on a forum and talk about running cyclists down.

Idiots.

Anonymous said...

Actually if you read the mini comments through all three pages it appears that they have come to realize that they have just fallen right into rtms's satirical trap. In their defense, the cars are genuine race cars, in the autocross community they are widely considered one of the fastest production cars you can buy. Although BS's carefully worded comment that they are "racy for people who will never race" is still very true for most mini owners, and the rest of his comments obvioulsy sruck a nerve a in way that only the truth can.

Bluenoser said...

Snob,

It gives an all new meaning to mini tools.

-B

Anonymous said...

Mini drivers have a complex because they always get their asses smoked by GTIs

veloben said...

Boy, RTMS does sound like Woody Allen, circa take "The money and run." Maybe, a touch less neurotic.

Anonymous said...

Here something for those mini babies.

http://blog.wired.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2008/08/11/rickmini02.jpg

george said...

Amir rocks!

Anonymous said...

bsnyc, please revoke your previous statement and lets us pretend for a just while longer that you are orthodox jew. everything bagel with smear and lox?....give me a break

i cannot describe the extent to which it pleases me to imagine you riding around (perhaps on break from studying the torah) with fenders, a yarmulke, and stunning curly peyos blowing in the wind....

ironic gefilte fish bicycle?

take it back!

Anonymous said...

Now you are making fun of my car. What did I ever do to you? By the way, that is not the blonde I was trying to connect with, but I would appreciate it if you would forward her phone number. I think you owe me that much.

Anonymous said...

I don't know which is sadder, or more hilarious; the missed blow job or the bunch of twinkies who think Minis are race cars!

Thank you, Snob, for keeping this Monday from being too irritating!

Anonymous said...

In fairness, most of the Mini posters seem pretty likable. Unfortunately they're overshadowed by a few blowhards.

This whole thing reminds me of the "Velo Vengeance" post where Snob advocates that cyclists gang up on Smart Cars, an opportunity comparable to a Yorkshire terrier getting "the chance to hump a Chihuahua."

Anonymous said...

Speaking of fixed gears and hipsters...

I think Adbusters got it wrong.

http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html

Anonymous said...

Check out this bike/wheel: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/bik/792462986.html

Awesome. Nice twisted spoke rear wheel, poser.

Anonymous said...

DC-CL,
If you're not selling the frame, take the f-ing wheel out and just show the wheel. I think that anyone willing to drop $2000 on a front wheel knows where it goes.

Anonymous said...

"enraged a group of Mini owners"

Many of them were quite reasonable and even-tempered. I detacted an orthographical Achilles' heel though.

"He seems to be one of those cyclists that feel the roads should really be exclusively for them. They're of the same mentality as SUV driving soccer mom's but are in denial about it."

I doubt that sentiment applies to the gal who writes this blog, but I like the second part of the comment (except for the grammatical gaffe, that is.) We all know plenty of us who fit that description.

Anonymous said...

RTMS - As always, amazing stuff. I hope you actually make money on your writing somehow, because you are a brilliant prose stylist. People tend to underestimate how difficult it is to write humor -- you have an amazing ear and great talent.

That said, I'm planting the Cone of Smugness firmly on my head to point out two recent spelling errors -- bathyscape should be bathyscaphe, and back when you were talking about randonneurs, you misspelled pretension with a t in the middle instead of an s. You'll pretend not to care, but I'll bet you do, because you pointed out the idiocy of "ATM machine" and "PIN number".

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

I'm just happy to read a blog written by someone who knows of the existence of a word like "bathyscape" (did you google it?) and realizes it is available for use by anyone. We can fuss our lives away on trivia, or try to do something about the most obnoxious offenses when we get the opportunity.

Anonymous said...

Eh, don't be too hard on the Mini owners. They are constantly getting ridiculed by people who don't understand why anyone would chose to drive a tiny car. It's actually not very different from the kind of treatment cyclists get.

Anonymous said...

i miss prolly. (he never responds to my craigslist posts either)

Daniel said...

I find that my MINI and my bike are very similar. And for that matter, my motorcycle too!

Seriously, the MINI handles extremely well and makes for a very fun car to drive.

I just wanted to post a bit about the racing, as another poster mentioned the MINI is a true autocross car. I've raced mine locally for a couple years and its simply the best. On a national level it dominates several car classes. Its a decent track car, too--bur for the money there's better. The MINI has stayed true to its racing heritage.

If the two groups (MINI owners and bikers) both open their eyes we'd realize we're extremely similar. It reminds me of the grade-school kids that hate one another, because they're so similar and in the end turn out to be best friends.

The guy doin' the thing said...

Bar ends are soooo old school.

Anonymous said...

Stuggy-sorry for the vagueness yesterday, I actually had to work. wtf.

Anyhoo, much like the fireworks of 4th of July, my affair w/bgw was bright, loud, & spectacular. We had a few ooh and ahh moments, but sadly it is now just a fond memory.

Anonymous said...

Thanks. That was fun. But maybe people are starting to write weird stuff on craigslist so you will comment?

Anonymous said...

"it's a neutered version of something that was once authentic, it evokes racing for people who will never race, and it's "cute" in a completely derivative and studied way."

There's not many things on this blog that I'm entitled to an opinion on, but 'proper' Minis are one area where I can testify. I've owned an original, while living about two miles from the factory where it was made. The originals were about half the size of the current BMW '0' Series, made from comedy metal and placed the engine somewhere around your testic1es. All original mini owners smell of WD40 for the rest of their lives, as the electrics required a can-full whenever it rained. They were truly great. Here in the UK the current 'Mini' is a favourite of the school-run mum and increasingly unemployed-looking estate agents (realtors?). Its got the street-cred of a slipper.

Anonymous said...

The Mini forum is on fire tonight! These sad sacks of shit have apparently never been told to their faces how stupid their cars are, and now they're calling on their fun-tarded brethren to go out and purposefully hit bicyclists with their cars. Ya gotta love the chutzpa!

Anonymous said...

1.16PM - Me again

That's what I mean! You'd never risk a collision with something as heavy as a bike in an original mini!

AnnaZed said...

Anonymous said...I doubt that sentiment applies to the gal who writes this blog... 2008 9:30 AM

Somebody is just not keeping up.

Anonymous said...

People are simply retarded!

The Great White Hype said...

Dude, I havent read anything as one-sidedly dangerously HILARIOUS in months...that Mini Forum is a hoot!

Gold! We can all get onto the SSFG forum on BF.net and bag out Mini owners now, utilising the same "we dont understand them so we can say what we want" thinking!!

The GWH