From Upgrading to Degrading: When Bad Things Happen to Good Bikes

Further to yesterday's post, perhaps the most compelling argument against unnecessary upgrading is the unfortunate reality of bike theft. Even the most compulsive consumer among us will admit that serial upgrading is simply another form of drug abuse, and that the immediate rush of pleasure and well-being that comes from buying an exciting new component is usually followed by a feeling of emptiness and despair that only goes away with the consumption of more carbon. And when that new product is stolen from you, the pain of withdrawal is acute and all-consuming. Take this victim's plea, to which a reader recently alerted me:

Stolen Windsor with rear aerospoke brook saddle my only asset (brooklyn)

Reply to: sale-779728746@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-02, 12:25AM EDT

in front of my house they stole my fix clipped my kryptonite i have been drinking heavier please any info leading to the bike will recieve a handsome reward i lost my best friend who (frame) was partly mine

the bike is a grey windsor 52 cm rear aerospoke toshi double straps brook saddle please please if your a bike shop and someone comes in to put a brake on hold it i have the police report to claim ownership

i don't want to drown in tears
and if i find you i am going to rip you apart -DEAD ASS
646593 3308

I read this with a heavy heart, as I hate to see any bicycle owner driven to drink by theft. Doubtless though the Brooks saddle and the Aerospoke, which together surely cost far more than the rest of the bike, made the loss all the more painful. Note how the victim has invested so much of his own identity into "upgrading" his bicycle that he refers to it as his "only asset." Certainly as human beings we need to stop looking at material possessions as assets, and instead should look inside of ourselves and discover the assets within. Sure, this victim may now be without a bicycle, but no thief can rid him of his true assets, which appear to include a drinking problem and a deep capacity for rage. Plus, if he's prepared to offer a "handsome reward" he must have some other material assets somewhere.

It's also worth noting that the victim suspects the thief may bring the bicycle somewhere to have a brake installed. It's a dangerous misconception among fixed-gear riders that fixed-gear riding is so difficult it actually confounds thieves and serves as a deterrent. Stories abound of opportunists who leap aboard unsupervised track bikes, only to be thrown from them like rodeo cowboys when they attempt to coast. If you subscribe to this notion, I recommend you cancel your subscription immediately. Firstly, operating a fixed-gear (even a brakeless one) simply isn't that hard, despite what many riders desperate for street cred may think. Secondly, I have it on good authority that at a recent convention for bicycle thieves held at the Sheraton in Atlantic City, NJ included a seminar on fixed-gear riding, so the more professional thieves are more than up to speed at this point.

Speaking of riders with assets, yesterday's post also inspired some discussion as to where Cervelos now rank among the monied cyclists of the world, and one commenter went so far as to posit that they have begun to "trickle down" to the common man. This may or may not be true, but it certainly is true that they have "trickled down" into the world of internet porn. The following pictorial was forwarded to me by another reader (I swear!) and the rider's assets are certainly substantial:

Of course, because the original images were "not safe for work," I've gone ahead and added additional clothing to the model in the interest of modesty. I chose the coveted Maillot Pois of the best climber in the Tour de France, mainly because I thought the spots complemented her assets, but also because even though she's not built especially well for climbing the mountains jersey seemed somehow appropriate. Her shorts were also woefully inadequate both for cycling and for covering her posterior asset (she had a considerable wedgie), so I gave her a much more sensible pair. Finally, I gave her a LiveStrong bracelet, because what Cervelo rider doesn't wear a LiveStrong bracelet? Take my word for it--she looks much better now. But if for some reason you still insist on seeing the original photo, just click here. (Keeping in mind, once again, that it may not be safe for work, unless of course you work at "Busty Legends.")


As the pictorial continues, the Cervelo remains a central theme. Once again, I've applied the more modest wardrobe, as the original photo made our Queen of the Mountains appear to be preparing for the "pinky test." Note that she's prepared for her workout quite sensibly. She has plenty of water (a bottle in each cage and another nearby) and she's got a lovely view of the harbor to keep her occupied.

Unfortunately, as the pictorial progressed it seemed to lose the plot a little bit, and the last few photos were woefully bereft of Cervelos. Instead, the focus was more on the model's post-workout shower routine. Frankly, she seemed to spend more time in the shower than she did on the bike! However, it must have been an intense workout, because she was so tired she was heavy-lidded and needed to lean against the glass shower door for support. I only hope she cleaned the bicycle as thoroughly as she cleaned herself.

I realize that some people out there might find this sort of thing degrading, and I certainly can't blame you. However, it's important to keep things in perspective. There is material out there that is far more degrading in every respect, and what's worse is you can find it on network television. The following video, forwarded to me by yet another reader, manages to demean cyclists and cycling (as well as any number of cultural phenomena and just about anybody within earshot) in a manner more offensive than a thousand buxom women being pinky-tested while riding a thousand Cervelos:

There's not a Maillot Pois in existence large enough to render this decent.