Tuesday, August 5, 2008

From Upgrading to Degrading: When Bad Things Happen to Good Bikes



Further to yesterday's post, perhaps the most compelling argument against unnecessary upgrading is the unfortunate reality of bike theft. Even the most compulsive consumer among us will admit that serial upgrading is simply another form of drug abuse, and that the immediate rush of pleasure and well-being that comes from buying an exciting new component is usually followed by a feeling of emptiness and despair that only goes away with the consumption of more carbon. And when that new product is stolen from you, the pain of withdrawal is acute and all-consuming. Take this victim's plea, to which a reader recently alerted me:




Stolen Windsor with rear aerospoke brook saddle my only asset (brooklyn)

Reply to: sale-779728746@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-02, 12:25AM EDT

in front of my house they stole my fix clipped my kryptonite i have been drinking heavier please any info leading to the bike will recieve a handsome reward i lost my best friend who (frame) was partly mine

the bike is a grey windsor 52 cm rear aerospoke toshi double straps brook saddle please please if your a bike shop and someone comes in to put a brake on hold it i have the police report to claim ownership

i don't want to drown in tears
and if i find you i am going to rip you apart -DEAD ASS
646593 3308



I read this with a heavy heart, as I hate to see any bicycle owner driven to drink by theft. Doubtless though the Brooks saddle and the Aerospoke, which together surely cost far more than the rest of the bike, made the loss all the more painful. Note how the victim has invested so much of his own identity into "upgrading" his bicycle that he refers to it as his "only asset." Certainly as human beings we need to stop looking at material possessions as assets, and instead should look inside of ourselves and discover the assets within. Sure, this victim may now be without a bicycle, but no thief can rid him of his true assets, which appear to include a drinking problem and a deep capacity for rage. Plus, if he's prepared to offer a "handsome reward" he must have some other material assets somewhere.

It's also worth noting that the victim suspects the thief may bring the bicycle somewhere to have a brake installed. It's a dangerous misconception among fixed-gear riders that fixed-gear riding is so difficult it actually confounds thieves and serves as a deterrent. Stories abound of opportunists who leap aboard unsupervised track bikes, only to be thrown from them like rodeo cowboys when they attempt to coast. If you subscribe to this notion, I recommend you cancel your subscription immediately. Firstly, operating a fixed-gear (even a brakeless one) simply isn't that hard, despite what many riders desperate for street cred may think. Secondly, I have it on good authority that at a recent convention for bicycle thieves held at the Sheraton in Atlantic City, NJ included a seminar on fixed-gear riding, so the more professional thieves are more than up to speed at this point.

Speaking of riders with assets, yesterday's post also inspired some discussion as to where Cervelos now rank among the monied cyclists of the world, and one commenter went so far as to posit that they have begun to "trickle down" to the common man. This may or may not be true, but it certainly is true that they have "trickled down" into the world of internet porn. The following pictorial was forwarded to me by another reader (I swear!) and the rider's assets are certainly substantial:



Of course, because the original images were "not safe for work," I've gone ahead and added additional clothing to the model in the interest of modesty. I chose the coveted Maillot Pois of the best climber in the Tour de France, mainly because I thought the spots complemented her assets, but also because even though she's not built especially well for climbing the mountains jersey seemed somehow appropriate. Her shorts were also woefully inadequate both for cycling and for covering her posterior asset (she had a considerable wedgie), so I gave her a much more sensible pair. Finally, I gave her a LiveStrong bracelet, because what Cervelo rider doesn't wear a LiveStrong bracelet? Take my word for it--she looks much better now. But if for some reason you still insist on seeing the original photo, just click here. (Keeping in mind, once again, that it may not be safe for work, unless of course you work at "Busty Legends.")


As the pictorial continues, the Cervelo remains a central theme. Once again, I've applied the more modest wardrobe, as the original photo made our Queen of the Mountains appear to be preparing for the "pinky test." Note that she's prepared for her workout quite sensibly. She has plenty of water (a bottle in each cage and another nearby) and she's got a lovely view of the harbor to keep her occupied.

Unfortunately, as the pictorial progressed it seemed to lose the plot a little bit, and the last few photos were woefully bereft of Cervelos. Instead, the focus was more on the model's post-workout shower routine. Frankly, she seemed to spend more time in the shower than she did on the bike! However, it must have been an intense workout, because she was so tired she was heavy-lidded and needed to lean against the glass shower door for support. I only hope she cleaned the bicycle as thoroughly as she cleaned herself.

I realize that some people out there might find this sort of thing degrading, and I certainly can't blame you. However, it's important to keep things in perspective. There is material out there that is far more degrading in every respect, and what's worse is you can find it on network television. The following video, forwarded to me by yet another reader, manages to demean cyclists and cycling (as well as any number of cultural phenomena and just about anybody within earshot) in a manner more offensive than a thousand buxom women being pinky-tested while riding a thousand Cervelos:


There's not a Maillot Pois in existence large enough to render this decent.

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cavendish!

Anonymous said...

haha

ant1st said...

First!

genersal lsmenedd said...

downgrade.

Anonymous said...

My balls just dropped!

Frenchy aka Bike Boy said...

close...but yet again no cigar...better than mary poppins though

Anonymous said...

Dtown

Anonymous said...

she's ugly

cornhole said...

broken hearts are for assholes.

genersal lsmenedd said...

i cant believe how that commercial jingle ripped off crass so shamelessly.

Jim said...

Q: Why do porn starlets stick out their pinky like that when they pose nude?

A: Because they're classy.

stevep33 said...

close, but I'm no Lawrence Orbach!

O'Bama said...

posers

g said...

Is the cop on the scooter just getting ready to clock one of the other riders and take their bike?

Cool The Kid said...

Gianna Michaels, cross promoting like the true entrepreneur she is.

And I don't see what having bad credit has to do with being relegated to a less-than-Pista bike. If you have bad credit you can still get a credit card, just with a 100.332% APR. Or you could do one of those payday loans. When the hell was the last time anyone went into any store and was thrown out for having bad credit? What a stupid commercial.

Camp Cupboard said...

upgrayedd?

Pack Phil said...

I have to admit I bought a Cervelo R3 recently. But it's really just a "gap" bike. Needed something to hold me over until my old, steel frame is fixed. (If I'm not a dentist, can I still call it a gap bike?).

And I'd buy a hipster fixie as well, if I could just get that pair of skinny jeans to fit over my quads.

gaahl said...

I've beaten Gianna to the finish a handful of times. She seems like nice ride.

Ka_Jun said...

OMG...why didn't you provide ample warning about that video?!?!?!? Okay, I'm done retching, now.

Robert H said...

You'll be happy to know that skinny jeans are getting stretchy these days. They even fit my fat ass.

ErikCrapton said...

Any guesses on Gianna's drag coefficient?

Scott said...

I think the guy in the tri-color jersey in that ad might actually be Christophe Moreau, still clinging to his '07 stripes.

Scott said...

Also, you forgot to point out that the Cervelo has lights on it, too, so she obviously doesn't use it just on the trainer.

C.P. said...

Snob, I dunno....have I just looked into the inner sanctum of Cervelos secret underground facility for their weight weenie Body Geometry Pinky Test School? How does a girl get so lucky s to be pinky tested by Vroomen AND Sinyard?

Anonymous said...

Big surprise, another fool is parted from their bicycle. Nobody and I mean nobody with any sense leaves their treasured bike out on the street in New York and thinks it is safe.

Even if the cops find his bike he won't be able to prove it is his without some info directly linking owner and bike like a social security number hidden somewhere on the bike.

Brooks saddle + aerospoke = steal this bike

c_c_rider said...

"the f to the r to the e to the e..."

can't ..get it oo out of my head noooooooooooo! thanks a lot, kill me now.

c_c_rider said...

and snob, can you delete the podium posts? they are probably hipsters anyway and they are the only blemish on your otherwise primo blog.

Anonymous said...

That video just made my balls rise back up...

Commiecanuk said...

Jeez..if the Cervelo trickles down to the common man, I'm selling my R3. I can't be a fan of anything that trickles down.

By the way, the "handsome reward" offer really works. I had a stolen bicycle returned and gave the person Lyle Waggoner, no questions asked.

Andrew said...

whoever directed that bad commercial has a tleast good taste in bikes. there are soem cool rides in there

One_Yard_Shorts said...

Someone needs to tell her that it's a bike, not a turkey baster.

Anonymous said...

bikes AND boobs? thanks, this is my lucky day.
j

Bob Saccomano said...

R to the E to the T to the A to the R A to the D to the ED.

Corey said...

Ah Yes... the whole "you ride a bike because you're not good enough to drive a car" thing. Bravo, bravo Free Credit Report.

leviathan said...

Bob Saccomano:

What exactly does retaraded mean?

ant1st said...

leviathan - it's when someone is rendered stupid through radiation, i think.

Anonymous said...

I just heard an Autozone commercial on the radio, somewhere along the line the said "If you really wanna save on gas, go ride a bike" in a "Go fuck yourself" tone.

I was stunned. Why the hate?

Anonymous said...

i think camp cupboard has it right. it's all one bid idocracy.

Andrew said...

that douche rides right through a kiddie walk stop sign. that crossing guard ought to f him up.

Anonymous said...

oh good you brought back the porn...hey waitafrickinminute, this aint drunkcyclist

Anonymous said...

c_c_rider. I totally agree with you on "podium" finishers. Just see them as the losers and not the winners.

-- signed,
"Jealous non-podium finisher who also has a life"

Carlos from Philly said...

You would make a killer English prof.

Anonymous said...

As an employee at busty legends, I'll tell yah, you'd be surprised how tight-assed even our cubicle culture can be. No DP's in the lunch-room, water cooler has a 'for watersports-prep only' sign, and even our receptionist is a mere double D's (and hardly legendary imho). But yeah, for all intents and purposes, that pic was totally work safe here.

ChrisB. said...

Man do I f'n hate that Autozone Commercial.

But I know their target audience. The other day I was stopped at a light when a guy in his mid-twenties sympathetically explained "Dude you should get a scooter. They're not that expensive." I tried to explain to him that I actually like riding my bike, but I don't think he believed me.

Strayhorn said...

I can't say I've noticed that many new Cervelos on the road recently, but yesterday broomie said: Oh, and Scott is the new Cervelo for triathletes.

Just this morning I got email from a friend who is a dedicated runner and want to do a tri. And what does she want to buy as a first bike?

Yep. A Scott.

+1 for broomie.

AnnaZed said...

It should come as no surprise that free credit reports from Freecreditreport.com are not free:

http://gawker.com/5032655/cool-guy-in-ad-forgets-to-mention-he-will-cost-you-money

just sayin'...

Chris said...

Selle Italia never felt so good.

Anonymous said...

My only exception to Broomie's comment about Scott being the new Tri bike on the West Coast is that for the past year I have to drive by a Tri shop daily, and what's in the display window? You guessed it, a Scott Addict! I live in the Boston area, so like a fast moving STD we've got what you had already.
The neighborhood is known for shrinks,dentists, and architects so that might explain the fancy carbon wheels and ta da--$10,500 price tag.

leroy said...

Dear BSNYC --

Thank you for the public service announcement.

It's a sad, but all too familiar story. You go to the bike store to buy a carbon Cervelo, they check your credit report and you ride out on a rusty Huffy.

Sadder still, because as your King of the Mountain clad model demonstrates, it doesn't have to be that way.

Even someone who must make do without properly padded road shorts can still ride a Cervelo. You just have to present whatever assets you have in the best light.

But honestly BSNYC, you don't really think we're going to fall for the old "those pictures aren't mine, I was holding them for a friend" line, do you?

On the other hand, if those photos are causing your Mom to start complaining about how you have get a job, move out of your parents' basement and spend less time on the internet, feel free to blame me.

None of us wants anything to keep you from posting.

Lucky 7 said...

WOW! Deleting the podium racers is a great idea, c_c rider!!

Maybe BSNYC should also delete those comments that don't have anything to do with the content of the post de jour as well?!

I sure could do without all the extraneous comments from story toppers, complainers, roadie elitists, dentist cervelo riders, the righteous randonneurs, tri-dorks, stoned/drunk mountain bikers/alley catters, and coffee housin' internet comment board thugs. That would be SO interesting to have just you in the comments, wouldn't it?

Better yet, why don't you start your own blog and ban all the podium comment racers that you want? Can't wait to read it!!



A

Pack Phil said...

newbie buys cervelo "I am 53 and never really rode any bikes since I was a kid...Got the Cervelo Soloist Team, pretty much let the guy working at the store to guide me."

echuck said...

I had a buddy in Portland who had his bike stolen while perusing for beer in the Plaid Pantry late one night. The idiot who stole it actually posted it on Craigslist shortly thereafter! My friend called, met the guy (with some of his friends), rode it around the block, wrote down the serial number (he failed to do this when he built it), then told the guy it was his bike and gave him an ultimatum. He actually let the guy go with a warning. Lucky thief, real lucky. I have had two bikes stolen and I can tell you, the rage I felt at the time... dead thief, me in jail, sore butthole, parents in misery. End of story.

Commiecanuk said...

Annazed, that's free, as in land of the. Not as in no money.

BSNYC was not downloading those pictures for his own use, they were for research. This worked for Petey.

stoned/drunkmountainbikerstorytopper said...

I'm the shit!

ant1st said...

If it weren't for all the bike and bike stuff buying I do, my credit would be great.

ant1st said...

By the way, the only reason I wasn't actually 1st today is that I use an old morse-type keyboard. If I only had a fancy qwerty one, you guys would all be toast.

Commiecanuk said...

Morse-type? Oooo..Mr. high tech. I type by banging the heads of various sizes of mice who each emit a particular squeal into a rotary telephone receiver,the tones are then interpreted and translated to keyboard ...troke, ...troke, ...hit, "s" is dead again.

Ronsonic said...

In the long history if cycling related indignities, outrages and abuses documented by the Snob, that video is the worst.

Anonymous said...

3:31---Architects can't afford $10k bikes.

Strayhorn said...

anonymous at 4:44 sez: Architects can't afford $10k bikes.

Dude, you're doing it wrong. Any architect who hasn't yet learned to stick the words "green" or "mixed use" in his proposals (whether or not they actually pertain to the project) isn't getting with the program.

Just add the phrase "carbon neutral" to your next residential proposal, or the words "pedestrian friendly" to your shopping center plan and you'll be ordering your custom Serotta in no time.

D Cup said...

Scott,

No, I think it was Nicolas Vogondy. After his heartbreaking unsuccessful breakaway attempt he was reduced to a stutter and this video.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Ant1st & commiecanuck --

A morse keyboard or mice trained to squeal into a phone receiver?

Oooh, what I wouldn't give for something high tech like that.

No, I have to walk three miles (uphill both ways) to a small trash fire and make smoke signals that are relayed to a kid with a AOL account who will post my comments for me.

Anonymous said...

bangbros.com loves you hoes

Lucky 7 said...

Yes, stoned/drunkmountainbikerstorytopper @ 4:11,

you are the shit.

Now if you could just refresh about a thousand times between 10:43 am and 12:33 pm EDT every day of the week without getting the munchies, I might actually see a return on investment from you pulling down a podium spot.

I'm sure your excuse will be much better though...



A

stoned/drunkmountainbikerstorytopper said...

no excuses, i'm the shit!!!

wait, where did i put my bag?

damn, that's the third time today..

cool, 5 words in row that start with t!

julie jules said...

I feel bad for that guy who got his bike stolen, and if it were me I'd probably be crying too, but the last thing the thief is gonna do is go to a bike shop asking to get a brake installed. Thieves don't steal bikes to take them for joy rides. Anyone who knows how to cut a krypto lock is gonna immediately be selling the parts/bike for money, drugs, whatever. This is what they do for a living.

And that Cervelo porn thing is just disturbing.

Johnny Sprocket said...

C_C_Rider... hipsters don't care about podium finishes. They don't even know what they are. That's a roadie thing.

And at least with Gianna, a 'stage win' wouldn't take four hours... more like four minutes. That's my kind of hill climb !

Anonymous said...

For all of you haters, I'm a beginner (one year) triathlete and I'm on my second Cervelo. The first wasn't carbon, so I had to upgrade in the spring.

While it may feel good when you pass me on the course, it feels even better for me, post race, when I'm putting my bike on the roof rack of my 911 C4S while you're trying to get your bike into the back seat of your Honda Civic. Something you'd never know, chicks dig carbon frames and Porsches, especially in combination.

Ride on, Mr. Hater of Success or your lack thereof.

Andy Pandy said...

Hey that is my cervelo with my soon to be ex girl friend

broomie said...

I feel like I'm in a dream. I scored a point which brings me to 1. I managed to evoke a response without offending anyone, which is cool, but best of all..I got see Gianna without having to renew either my Bangbros or Naughty America accounts!

oops, I said too much!

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:48: Sorry you got shortchanged in the male endowment department. You have obviously compensated well for your "shortcomings." BTW, do you know the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Spokes... said...

Sweet tat!

Anonymous said...

I don't get why anyone would CHOOSE to try and live the bicycle life in New York City.

Anonymous said...

anonymous porsche driver...pride comes before the fall and it appears that is what your good at...getting passed

iwishiwasntadentist said...

I wish they would come out with a cervelo edition of the Audi A4

Anonymous said...

Yes, the ride is all summed up in the parking lot and not on the road. I'm sure all the effort that you put into your car and kick-ass country club lifestyle really paid off on the hills and on the straight aways. The time spent on perfecting your rhetorical skills (read: bull$hit) in the smoking lounge, the intense cell-phone business dialogues at inappropriate times and places and the way your kids behave all more than compensate for your lack of actual manpower and conditioning. You go Mr. Fancy Pants, your 50K awaits.......

g said...

I'm not sure what's more offending:
the fact that you are a smarmy pos tri-geek
or
that you apparently put a f-ing roof-rack on a porsche.

Anonymous said...

Cervelo has an interesting product placement protocol.

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!!!

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with the "podium" comments? It's just a bit of harmless fun aint it. C C rider you need to lighten up or is it because you've never got on the podium?

Commiecanuk said...

anon 7:48:

Chicks really dig guys who need to compensate and have a massive debt load by 35.

Anonymous said...

anon 7:48:

You make it sound like material possessions are hard to acquire. A lot of people choose not to go to law/med school or work boring but profitable desk jobs because we'd rather lead a fulfilling life than fill our bank accounts and buy shit.

Well, maybe not a lot of us but I certainly do - I've found money to be the easiest thing in life to acquire. Having time to do what you want, not putting yourself in stressful situations, and feeling like you're actually doing something with your life besides playing the capital/material game makes me feel a lot better than a Porsche ever would, especially an AWD version. Have you no taste? Jesus man. Thats like putting training wheels on your Cervelo.

-owner of a mid-engined automobile that puts power down correctly and bicycles that do not have training wheels.

Bkeslob 80220 said...

CC - Hipsters on the podium? You really think they get up that early?

c_c_rider said...

you guys are right, hipsters don't get up that early and certainly don't know what a podium is. so perhaps the podium posters are those guys who obsess about their powertap data.

ChristopherPaul said...

to anon 7:48 PM

I stuff my bike in the back seat of civic to reduce the drag while I drive home at 35mph. Anyone's question would be, why would I stick a bike on the roof of a porsche that could do 4x's that? Be more bad ass & leave the car parked and try riding to where ever your "training" & get some good use out of all that lycra and $200 oakleys. don't forget to shave.

Anonymous said...

ok so I owned that bike in the freecreditreport ad. The green Raleigh cruiser.

Bitchin.

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Runescape Gold said...

I need to disclose I bought a Cervelo R3 recently. But it is actually merely a "gap" bike. Needed a thing to keep myself around until our outdated, metallic frame is fixed. (If I'm not a dental office, may i nonetheless refer to it a gap bike?).

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