Monday, July 28, 2008

Crisis of Faith: Bidding a Bittersweet Adieu to the Tour

Well, the Tour de France is now over. I admit I approached it with cynicism in the beggining, but after three weeks it's become a part of me, and now the place where it once was tingles like a phantom limb. Every time the mainstream media flashes a brief picture of Sastre atop the podium in between news of bank implosions and Christian Bale attacking his mom, a small, nostalgic lump rises in my throat, right around the place popcorn kernel husks tend to lodge themselves. But there are some aspects of the Tour I'll miss more than others. Here are the things I'll miss most:

Those Cervelo Commercials

Cervelo is to bicycles what Sub Zero is to refrigerators, or what Viking is to stoves, or what Weber is to gas barbecue grills. That is to say, they're expensive, well-engineered, professional-quality items which are bought by people who have little or no clue how to operate them and will never know their true potential. You can ruin a meal just as badly on a GE as you can on a Viking, and you can get dropped just as quickly on a Scattante as you can on a Cervelo. And despite what you may think, you don't look any better or "pro" on a Cervelo than you do on a Scattante either. In fact, it only serves to throw the chainring tattoo on your hairy leg into sharper relief.

So as the Breitling of bikes you'd expect Cervelo to have very serious--almost intimidating--TV ads. Maybe a baritone narrator intoning statistics as molecular structures and formulas flash across the screen. Instead, Cervelo's ads are mostly just those two Canadian guys who make them talking about their bikes in an endearing lilt. It's almost hard to imagine that people with accents like that could even be precise, let alone produce a full line of performance bicycles. It's like if Cooter from the "Dukes of Hazzard" was the BMW spokesperson. Those Cervelo commercials were the closest thing I've seen in awhile to the "Great White North" (only with less belching), and I for one am hoping Vroomen and White become the new Bob and Doug McKenzie.



Those Versus Workload Statistics

I've got to admit that Versus really upped its game this year. Not only were more riders hooked up to heart rate monitors (which I suppose may be interesting if you're a health care professional, but which I find pretty boring), but they also calculated the percentage of work each breakaway constituent was contributing to the move by counting how long each rider spent at the front. While I question the accuracy of these statistics (they didn't seem to account for the relative sizes of the riders, for example, and a large guy pulling for 30 seconds would arguably be contributing more to a breakaway than a small guy pulling for 30 seconds), I like the concept, and I'd like to see it used in other aspects of cycling as well. For example, if we take the Versus workload approach and apply it to cycling subcultures and their relative contributions of absurdity, it might look something like this:





Fixed Gear Freestylers: 32%






Recumbent riders: 37%





Triathletes: 31%


Before you quibble over these percentages, keep in mind that: 1) it's just an example; and 2) while it may seem conservative to say that triathletes only account for about one-third of the total ridiculousness here, they also only ride their bikes one-third of the time, so their contribution is actually quite formidable. And furthermore this goes to show that while statistics can be fun, they can also be misleading and difficult to interpret. Not everything can be easily quantified. (Though in the absurd FGF/bent/tri breakaway, I think it's safe to say that they've got a nice gap and are rotating smoothly. If the triathletes don't take everybody else down they may stay away until the finish.)


Matt White and Jonathan Vaughters in the Garmin/Chipotle Team Car

Some people may have watched the Tour for the bike racing, but I watched it for the precious moments when Versus would cut to the Garmin/Chipotle team car. Watching Vaughters and White in that car giving their riders useless advice in a dull monotone was nothing short of captivating. "Keep riding, Christian." "You can do it." "Only 5K to go." It was like a buddy comedy without the comedy, or a police drama without the drama. I'm sure there were more spirited exchanges, like when Vaughters told Millar that Vande Velde's raise would actually be coming out of Millar's salary, or when they pulled into a drive-thru McDonald's and White forgot to order Vaughters a thick shake, but for the most part Vaughters and White simply cruised around with the studied detachment of two guys "flossing" in South Beach in their parents' station wagon, looking for a nightclub that might let them in or some women who might talk to them. Between White's bleach-blond locks and sunglasses and Vaughters's sideburns it was like watching a slightly cheesier version of "Night at the Roxbury."


But the Tour also brought heartache, and nothing made my heart ache more than the positive drug test of my favorite rider.

Years ago, when I was merely a child, I had a baseball card collection. Even then, I had no interest in baseball, so my collection consisted entirely of players with funny names. And there was no card in my collection that I valued more than my Johnny Wockenfuss card:




I didn't know who Johnny Wockenfuss was. I didn't even know where the card had come from. I did know that the card was worthless, both because Johnny Wockenfuss wasn't a particularly good player and because the card was badly creased. But I cherished it anyway, and in moments of doubt I would withdraw it and gaze upon it like I was a penitent and it was a picture of the Virgin Mary. And that card inspired me. It may not have inspired me to be a better person, or to accomplish anything, or even to try at anything, but it did inspire me to laugh at his ridiculous name, and in many ways that's what made me who I am today.

Well, Dmitri Fofonov was my new Johnny Wockenfuss, and you may recall that he was instrumental in helping me maintain my faith in the Tour. Unfortunately, though, like Job my faith has been tested as Fofonov just became the fourth rider to test positive for a banned substance in this year's Tour. I was shocked and appalled to receive this link from a reader. Actually, I was confused before I was shocked and appalled because the story was in French, but I did run it through a translator:

L' information; Equip: The Kazakh runner of Crédit Agricole Dmitri Fofonov, 31 years, was controlled positive with a stimulant in Saint-Etienne, with l' exit of the 18th stage of the Tour de France. Fofonov, 19th of the final classification, explained to its formation to have taken a product against cramps bought on Internet. "C' is a non-observance of the elementary rules, declared Roger Legeay, general manager of l' equip French, which immediately suspended its runner. A runner cannot take any drug, without authorization of the doctor of l' equip, without him to have spoken about it. (...) C' is a proven individual fault. It is known that can arrive but this n' is not pleasant."

I had been ecstatic over Fofonov's finishing the Tour in 19th place on the GC. As a pass/fail racer unable to take anything seriously, a top-20 finisher with a funny name is far more exciting and inspirational to me than a first-place finisher with a regular name like Sastre. So to be cast down from such dizzying heights by this news was nothing short of devastating. To paraphrase a well-known poem, they came first for Beltran, and I didn't care because he didn't have a funny name. Then they came for Moises Duenas, and I didn't care because his name wasn't that funny either. And so on. Then they came for Fofonov. But by then it was too late. Because the Tour was already over and he's probably halfway to Almati on a team-issue Look by now.

Anyway, thanks for ruining the Tour for me. I had faith in you but I guess you were just foffing me off. But I should also thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. And that lesson is that a man only has two things in this world: himself, and his Wockenfuss.

108 comments:

Mark said...

Podium!

Lucky 7 said...

Kerrr-POW!!

Joseph said...

Kohl!!!!

gaahl said...

Faen! So close! Hushovd fourth?

Joseph said...

Menchov!

Joseph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clay said...

Top 10?

The one said...

flat.

ant1st said...

first

Enhancement Smoker said...

He got caught Fofon-of...

Why must I always be the Hincapie (pack-fill) of the comment podium races? Always a bridesmaid, never the bride. Looks like I ought to lay off the early-morning cheeba; it's killing my breakaway abilities!

joe said...

3rd paragraph, 10th line: "think" should be "thing"

Joseph said...

Did you catch it in the Garmin teamcar (first time trial I think)when Vaughters screamed out a loud expletive immediately following a question from Liggit? It was either Sh!t! or F*ck!, I can't remember.

*disclaimer- I grew up without cable TV so hearing a curse on live TV always gets me excited.

kentucky joe said...

top ten...missed it by this much

Robert H said...

I just peed myself.

Anonymous said...

Are we sure our podium winner today is not the famous Alan Dershowitz? Sure looks like him.

Jeff said...

Johnny Wockenfuss is a pretty funny name for a ballplayer, but I think he's second to Pete Vuckovich. Bill Mooneyham gets an honorable mention.

steck said...

You forgot to mention the most significant change to the Versus coverage: Bob Roll finally learned to pronounce "Tour de France", kind of (Craig Hummer says it better).

I thought that Roll had the customary American infacility with foreign languages, but no. When the Tour got to Italy, he rattled off the day's route in Italian like a native. Someone at Versus must've leaned on him to stop the "Tour DAY' France" bit.

-- Paul

pinchfinger said...

Or, how about "we recycle energy from exhaust..." ad nauseum...I thought I'd blow my brains out.
And what happened to that catchy jingo they played at the begining:"I'm gonna clear out my head..." etc. I thought that would make the top 40.
And while I'm no prud, what doping meassage are they sending when the in-car camera shows the guys "drinking and driving!" fer chrissake.
All-in-all, I'm crashing this Monday morning, suffering withdrawl symptoms...anybody got any EPO?

Anonymous said...

Joseph -- it was an F-bomb and Robbie V. looked to have grown up with at cable as well. His gap mouthed reaction was of the oh-you-said-a-swear-word variety.

Anonymous said...

Bag on them if you will, but Cervelo took almost their entire Toronto staff to the tour this year so they could watch the Alpe D'Huez stage for work.

Passionate cyclists - who are also damn good business people - employing passionate cyclists = win/win.

frilly said...

Snob, I really enjoyed the Tour also, despite Astana not being there. Thank God for the Johan fix, who all bias aside, was quite insightful. Love Fabian, especially when he inquired about doping test while getting his champagne from the team car.

And, begrudingly, Vaughters was palpable. Sorry I missed the F-bomb, that could have sealed the deal.

Was very pleased to see the Tour of Missouri commercials. Represent!

specialrider said...

Wokenfuss wishes he was Biff Pocaroba

Anonymous said...

i enjoy your blog immensely, not least because you are a GOOD WRITER, but this dangler gave me pause:

"As a pass/fail racer unable to take anything seriously, a top-20 finisher with a funny name is far more exciting and inspirational to me than a first-place finisher with a regular name like Sastre."

please ensure nothing like this happens again or i may be forced to return to browsing color-coordinated drivetrains on velospace with my morning coffee.

yrs,
grammar snob

Mongo Pusher said...

Wockenfuss...That's what my wife does after she's ridden her Scattante and then makes us stir-fry.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:42pm,

Sorry I offended you. In my defense I never really learned my grammar. I write like I "race," which is by feel. So needless to say I make many mistakes both in print and on the bike.

Anyway, it's the internet--who needs grammar? If it's accuracy you're after there's always the New Yorker. Just as pompous and twice as correct! (And plenty of diaereses.)

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget the suddenly robot-like Bob Roll. Were his hands tied? What happened to his usual in your face hand movements? Was he scared by Hummer, and truly who wouldn't be?

And the wooden and smug Bruyneel in the evening show, ugh I could have done without that. And I did, watched only the Andreu interviews.

Lastly, versus did not calculate the percentage worked by each rider in the break, it was done by the French as all the feeds were giving the same info (I was listening to eurosport and muting P&P).

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Wockenfuss on the Clear?

Anonymous said...

"And that lesson is that a man only has two things in this world: himself, and his Wockenfuss." too funny....

jza said...

"Way to go snob....
good blogging....
just keep hitting those keys. Yep, hit the one key, then another...... remember.....spacebar between each word....keep those vowels in there.....2-3 consonants then a vowel.....punctuate, Snobby, punctuate....."

Jonathan Vaughters

streepo said...

You shoud follow hockey, there are a lot more funny names.

Ron Tugnutt
Roamn Hamrlich

ant1st said...

Speaking of Johann at the tour/Astana not at the tour, it seems it all worked out in their favor. I would assume Gusev would have been on their team, and would have been caught by the AFLD, causing them to be banned from the 09 tour.

ant1st said...

What about Al Kaline (sp?) for a funny name? If you remember your chemistry (and what true cyclist is not an expert on the subject?), an alkaline is a base, and Al played baseball.

Anonymous said...

I'm not quite sure how any reasonable person would want a Cervelo after seeing those commercials. They are the lifted diesel 4X4's of road bikes. At work yesterday, I built one up an R3 for a customer with a triple and a Look Ergo stem. Bad ass.

Andrew said...

he takes cycling and makes something funny out it

he takes cycling and makes something funny out it

he takes cycling and makes something funny out it

yes those cervelo guys are passionate and the bikes are very good (but so stiff the stuff's gonna keep falling out of your jersey) but snob's got it right: it's the bozo bike of the past two years - like the Madone of the five years before that.

lata!

lata!

lata!

echuck said...

F*#k that, the best name in all of sports is the one, and only, DICK BUTKUS!

veloben said...

Not Cooter. More like Pat Brady and Nellybelle.

ant1st said...

Can somebody photoshop bozo the clown riding a cervelo?

roomservicetaco said...

Add these to the pantheon of funny sports names:

Dick Trickle
Rusty Kuntz
Garth Butcher


Personally, I could do without all the foffin-off to Lance on every occasion.

And, how Johann takes credit for every guy he ever managed (VdV, etc.) but makes no mention of guys who were caught with drugs, like Beltran and Gusev.

And bring back the time bonuses - doesn't the excitement of any sporting event scale with the number of ways to score?

dvc said...

@pinchfinger

jesus christ, exactly. it got to the point where my response time between hearing the phrase "for the perfect balance of fuel efficiency and performance" and jumping for the mute button was down to the tens of milliseconds.

just thinking about it makes me cringe.

thank god it's over.

Anonymous said...

it's funny you should say that. i almost put a diaeresis in "coordinated" but decided that was taking things too far.

Sir Velo said...

"it only serves to throw the chainring tattoo on your hairy leg into sharper relief"

Just as the viking brings my craptacular steaks into sharp relief....

and the Biemmers my ultmately bad driving into very sharp relief....

and the Hedge fund brings the absurd nature of my fleeting arc through space and time into sharp relief...

I likes my reliefs sharp otherwise I'll not feel it much....

Karl Rover said...

Who was the stoic, frowning woman sitting next to Matt White for a couple days? I thought it might be VdV's Mom, but she seemed too angry and tense.

specialrider said...

I only saw one stage(17) and I didnt see a single giant penis painted on any of the switchbacks on the climbs...although I did see a crude painting of a tall man with a pointy head and 2 round legs and no arms.

Boz said...

Howz about ex Packer linebacker Mike Hunt? I hear he didn't like to be paged in bars.

ant1st said...

I especially enjoyed seeing the "operation puerto espana" painted on the road. Not as cool as a penis, but close.

Dead Milkman said...

Jim Walewander!

Anonymous said...

so i'm little disappointed that july has come and gone without the live blogging extravaganza. what happened?

Commiecanuk said...

You missed the Canada-only cervelo ads:

Bob: Cooo-lu-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo!

Doug: G'day eh, so like, this Cervelo uses like high modulush carpet fiber for gettin' up them hills below the UCI weight minimum, eh.
Bob: An what do we do with that weight savings? The olde Scarboro suitcase, the Molson Ex 12-pack for when you reach the top and you want to wet yer whistle, eh.

Doug: Urp. Beauty. Now I have to go lighten fer tha stage, if ya know whadda mean.

#2:

Terrence: Phillip, what's high modulus carbon fiber aboot?
Phillip: Come closer Terrence and I'll show you.
Terrence: now?
Phillip: closer.
Terrence: now?
Phillip: [fart]
Both: ahhahahahahaha


Little known fact: Gerhard Vroomen is being cast as Colonel Kurtz in a remake of Alpacalips Now.

"Dees men, dey came...dey came on bikes without gears..dey came with faggy top tube protectors...the horror...the horror..."

Jim said...

Counterpoints

Cervelo - just as you can be really bad on a Cervelo and it doesn't help you, you can be really awesome on one and it probably doesn't make a difference either. See, e.g. Fabian Cancellars & Jens Voigt who would probably still destroy other pro riders even if they were stuck on a matched pair of dogpoo brown Surly Puggsleys with Big Dummy attachments and panniers, carrying a half dozen of Jens' 6200 kids on the back.

Versus Workload - yeah, real good stuff. That shit is how to make people who train with power hit the f***ing roof, repeatedly. You're going to give Hr and wattage, but not power/weight or Normalized Power? This showing 50% of the dataset is like watching a football game and getting the time of possession stats but not the score or down, or an olympic weightlifting competition where they don't tell you how much weight the competitors are lifting. Typical mentally geared-down coverage for the 10-days-of-the-year race fans, and infuriating to the enthusiasts; get the graphic off the TV if it isn't going to say anything useful.

White & Vaughters - Bob Roll had the definitive word on their participation. The purpose of the Tour isn't about the riders; it's a test to see which team's cellphone is most durable. Fear of in-camera cars catching untimely cellphone failures is probably why T-Mobile dropped out this year. "Can you hear me now, Jan? Drop the syringes, the Gendarmerie is coming. Jan? Jan? Hello? Jan? Dammmmit!"

The in-car camera is also instrumental in the competition for the TdF's little known Turtleneck Jersey, a sought-after earthtone mohair sweater which goes to the most besideburned Directeur Sportiff. If the race is close the tie breaker event is Faux Intellectual Navel-Gazing. This year, it was a spectacular performance by Vaughters, who dominated the event in a way that it had never been dominated before.

Fofonov - well, you told us his name sounded like a synonym for wanking... you shouldn't be surprised.

Commiecanuk said...

I learned a lot from this year's Tour de France on Vershit.
I learned that you can have a Bowflex body, and still be a loser.

Commiecanuk said...

It's a myth that Vaughters only wears turtlenecks. The truth is he has thick body hair that he had knitted to look like a turtleneck, that, and the sideburns are a side-effect of too much EPO and HGH.

Anonymous said...

cervello only sent them for the Alpe D'Huez stage? My bike shop sent everyone out to that stage, and we just build other people's bikes.

AH said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ONLYTHEPUNKCANSAVEUSNOW said...

never mind Cervelo, you should have seen the amount of Storks and Isaacs being ridden up Alp d' Huez on Wednesday by overweight middle aged Euromen.

CycloTube.com said...

The really scary/sad thing about the triathlete photo is that, of the three models, the dude seems to have the largest chest. I guess that's why he's wearing a sports bra.

ant1st said...

To all those who criticize Vs's coverage of the tour - it's better than nothing. They could do away with the incomplete stats ,the crappy announcers, and the lycra-clad cyclists and just show reruns of tap out all july. We can bitch all we want about the coverage being dumbed down, but the reality is, we don't have enough eyeballs to justify a hardcore cyclists' coverage of the tour. Take what you can get, or don't. I for one am grateful I get to come home every evening and watch what I read that morning on velonews and cyclingnews. Then watch it again with bob roll uttering hilarious, even if not exactly sensical, shit.

Anonymous said...

The tri-guy's package doesn't seem any bigger than the ladies.

leroy said...

Wait, you mean that wasn't Waters natural hair color? Isn't hair dye just another form of drug enhancement?

I am so confused.

But one thing I know: Pinchfinger is right about those Saab ads.

I now writhe in agony every time I hear "we recycle energy fom exhaust."

Honestly, the last thing I want is to be behind some guy on a Cervelo trying to gain extra energy by expelling exhaust.

Now excuse me, I'm having a strange urge to bolt out of a business meeting, go for a run and drink a sports beer.

Wonder what that's about.

Stefan said...

Hope you did not miss the broken saddle tube at Jens Voigts Cervelo on Sunday.
[http://www.bikeforums.net/archive/index.php/t-446426.html]

ant1st said...

Stefan - that was interesting. Jens is a badass. I dont think anyone can make a seat/seatpost strong enough to withstand the awesome power of his gluts. I bet Frilly was turned on!

Roadent said...

"The Breitling of bikes" how incredibly apt and cross-luxury-consumer-category precise...If you're sick of the commercials, move to Toronto and come out on the local Sunday ride - some weeks they won't let you in unless you're riding a SC-SLC-SSC-LS-SS-3 (which is OK, actually, given all those hairy legs and distressingly undersized CSC jerseys...)

spokejunky said...

You should have fun with this one...2008 NYC Critical Mass Rider Hockey Check . After watching all the way through go back to 00:32 and watch someone take off with his ride.

Anonymous said...

Not sure how this happened: a discussion of diaereses without any tp or wiping.

Grammar, be damned. Let the bitterness continue.

BTW, that's what I love most about BR's, "Tour DAY France". I saw a comedy routine he did at a bike show a couple years ago. He assured us all that he is well aware of the proper pronunciation.

It turns out Bob Roll dishes bitterness, in every expression of French he encounters, dating back to his expierences in said race with the 7-Eleven team.

ant1st said...

spokejunky - that's awesome. I wish I lived in NYC.

frilly said...

Yeah, actually I kinda was turned on. He is a beast in a sadistic sort of way.

By yesterday, I was just in a daze. All of those shots, from behind, of the peloton dancing on the pedals. Good grief, I didn't know where to look, it was sort of overwhelming and, at some point, I think I may have started to drool!

I have a little over a month before ToM to recover. Then, like BGW said, they'll be over 140 of 'em delivered right to my front door. Mmmmm.

Jim said...

>>>Take what you can get, or don't.

You're so right. How could I have been so wrong... It's VS Tour de France coverage, you fukkin pinkos... Love it or Leave it!!!!

From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one. From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one. From now on, I'll sit there through that Saab ad without complaining, you know the one.

And when they run that Autozone ad reminding me that only lame-oid teenage dorks ride bicycles, I'll be grateful that they don't feature my picture in the ads, and that Al Trautwig's replacement was at least aware that bicycles have two wheels, and pop-cycles don't have any. And when Phil Liggett calls Denis Menchov "Alex Vinokourov" or "Sarah Hammer," I'll bite my tongue and send an email to VS saying, "please sir, may I have another?"

Never again will I be ungrateful or complain about television coverage of cycling. If I've learned anything in life, it's that sitting there and taking abuse ultimately leads to an improvement in my situation, so I have reason to believe that if I just put up with whatever VS does, eventually, coverage will be damn near as good as riding in the Commisaire's car. Frankly, I'm ashamed of myself. It's not like I have a constitutional right or something to voice my opinions in public or anything like that...

Lucas said...

You all should know by now that Jens only breaks seat posts because he has a heart of a lion.

Can anybody tell me what happened to Troutfish this year... EPO posession? Driving his Saab Turbo? Got busted mooning the riders on the ride up the Alp?

My sanity depends on an answer and Roll needs a better keeper than Hummer.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Was Vaughters covering up a particularly nasty hickey with that tested-to-minus-30-degrees turtleneck in the middle of the sweltering French summer?

that's MISTER Asdf to you said...

Haha, you're from Brooklyn and you're making fun of someone else's accent? That's the funniest thing I've read here in ages.

Anonymous said...

I rather enjoyed the Tour and the Versus coverage... Phil and Paul were hung over, though on a few occasions I think Phil was just plain drunk... Jonathan Vaughters dropped that F Bomb on goody-two-shoes-talks-way-too-fast-and-excitedly-like-a-new-puppy Ventura and it was a thing of beauty ... the French actually went on breakaways and even WON , Frank Schleck gave us bitter jealous drama and arrogance against his own team mate and finally, a diminutive and sweet grandmother from Spain won the Tour.

i will miss it all so much.

Anonymous said...

You failed to mention the nude woman in the crowd at Huez. She is there every year and has been on TV, even CBS, every year because it is very hard to see her unless you know exactly where to look. I know. And I ain't telling.

Mustached in Kenosha said...

Oh I saw her too but I didn't know she was there every year. Next year I'm going to tape it and save it. I'm a lesbian time trialer and, well I am sure you can see my interest. Thanks for the tip, er...tips.

PompousWindbag said...

I could take the Saab ads...
I could take the Cervelo ads...
I could take the Bobke-isms...

But if Paul Sherwen said "Big Jens Voight" one more f'ing time I was going to put my foot through the screen!

jhawkwx said...

Pompouswbag, but he's got a heart of a lion...

Johnny Sprocket said...

Ever noticed how on a group ride, the fattest guy always rides the Cervello?

Anonymous said...

"If I've learned anything in life, it's that sitting there and taking abuse ultimately leads to an improvement in my situation"


isn't cycling all about sitting there and taking abuse? i mean, ok, sometimes you do get out of the saddle but still...

iv said...

Thanks for your insight and wit. Regarding your point about Versus, as well as Versus is doing its job, viewership of the Tour was down 18% this year compared to last year. This is significant. In the world of media strategy, this means the event is losing relevance and there is dwindling reason to watch it. This will effect how American teams get sustainable sponsors, how Versus gets sustainable advertising and how frequently American cycling fans will be able to see cycling on Versus. Cycling fans will see less of cycling, potentially, and fewer potential cycling fans will be exposed to the sport. Unless we do something about it.

Here's the link: http://www.medialifemagazine.com/artman2/publish/Sports_TV_52/One_nasty_
spill_for_the_Tour_de_France.asp

Wahington Park on a Tuesday Night said...

Or as Phil Liggett says "A gentleman they call Lance Armstrong coming down that Champs de Elisee like a grand pre motor car".

Typical Brit.

Anonymous said...

It's "prix," you prick.

Andy Pandy said...

JZA 1.03 PM , with all of those ……’s I could start to believe that Jonathan Vaughters is BGW ???? just dauntin and scary at the same time !!!!!!

And because I had a Cervelo 5 years ago which Mr Cervelo kindly upgraded to a R3 does that mean I am a fat habitual coffee shop dweller.

Anonymous said...

Is there chamois in those swimsuits? Essence de low tide, probably? With RTMS validation as hardest working cyclists, the triathlete sector of your readership has surely been gliding around in a cloud of fit, smug self satisfaction ever since reading today's post. The recumbent crew, meanwhile, is just not surprised that someone else doesn't recognize the heights of practicality and comfort long known to their tribe. The FGFs, rising stars in the field, have too much going on to feel one way or the other. Also, it may be that they don't recognize the rider in the photo as one of their own. For one thing, the skidding posture is very basic. Boths hands are on the bars, a tight denim-clad leg is not hooked over those bars, and he appears to be wearing both socks AND cycling shoes. Speaking of handlebars, look at those curvy things. Aside from the bar tape ruining the minimalist aesthetic of the bike, there is just no way to spin those babies. And finally, that cabron has been a messenger in Texas for at least 13 years, for whatever that is worth.
-Brian

Lucky 7 said...

At first glance, I thought that Johnny Wockenfuss card was a promo poster for a new Will Ferrell sports movie slam. He's done ice skating, soccer, basketball, and car racing flicks, so why not take a turn at baseball?

The real question is when will Ferrell get those sideburns in gear to do a cycling movie? "The Girl from EPO-nema", for instance...




A

frilly said...

andy pandy, I hope like hell that Jonathan Vaughters isn't bgw. That would be tragic.

Sorry about Cadel. That could have been an awesome set up for another AC/CE battle.

Philip Williamson said...

Those triathletes... no lady parts and no man bits. Weird.

Andy Pandy said...

Frills, it is like your Pez sox, easy come easy go. As for any future CE/AC contest, well we will call it a non contest as AC can accelerate, specially with Pink Ladies chasing/ lusting after him

Ron said...

Bob Roll pronounced "Tour de France" correctly. Well that must have ruined my friends' drinking game this year. "Tour DAY France" was a rule, and you could guarantee to get pretty tossed on that one alone.

Anonymous said...

trust Americans to think a Dutch accent is Canadian. Gerrard is from Holland nimrods.

old redneck fart said...

Holland, Canada, whatever.

Commiecanuk said...

anon 5:23 am

You are obviously punchy without sleep, but Vroomen has been a Canadian citizen for 20 years.
Regardless, Canadians prove to be a clueless as yanks with CBC reporting that a "Canadian-made" bike won the TDF. Not a single part on any CSC bike was made in Canada, which is worse than Trek calling itself "made in USA" when all they do is the frames.

As for the "Breitling" tag, at least Breitlings tell time correctly, as opposed to the 2X more expensive Colnago, or Rolex of bicycles.

blitzgren said...

You'd think Cannondale would hire more than a 9 year old with similarly aged recording equipment.

Anonymous said...

Rediculous or not, the short triathlete female on the left could lead a paceline I'm second in any day.

I'd suck that wheel like a malnoureshed African kid trying to get the last bit of sauce of a buffalo wing.

I've only been behind a female triathlete once and it was one of the longest, fastest rides I'd been on. Never fail to appreciate the motivation of a well-toned woman on a bike in a bikini.

Neil said...

This was my favorite moment of the Versus Tour broadcast: http://vimeo.com/1306780.

Also, although not amazing, Craig Hummer was miles beyond Al Trautwig in commentary and hosting.

Surly Bastard said...

Have they always had two wheels?

- Al Trautwig

Surly Bastard said...

Have those things always had two wheels?

- Al Trautwig

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Where's my snobbishness?

edgaralgernon said...

Hi my name is paul and I own a Cervelo (R3)...

No I don't race. Yes I suck at climbs. Yes the club I belong to leaves me in the dust.

But it is fun to ride... Only other positive was I did more winter training just to justify paying a ridiculous amount of money on a bike.

Anonymous said...

If Cérvelo is the Breitling of bikes, then what is the Swatch? What is the Casio? What is the Patek Phillipe? If you extend this watch analogy and give us a tour(neau) of bike brands you might come up with something both funny and insightful.

AMRcyclist said...

"...That is to say, they're expensive, well-engineered, professional-quality items which are bought by people who have little or no clue how to operate them and will never know their true potential."

BSNYC,
We don't get the Cervelo commercials around here but your statement might be based just on what you see within the boundaries of the NYC cycling scene...
Crap!
AMR

Anonymous said...

Apparently to "Fofonov" is to do something else when locked in the bathroom too long.
"Speaking to the anti-doping prosecutor, I took full responsibility for my actions,” Riccò told ANSA. “Prior to the Tour, I made a mistake; I Fofonoved a product that everyone was talking about.”

Anonymous said...

"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;

And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;

And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;

And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came...


You write great stuff. But please don't mock a memorial to the most horrific tragedy in modern history.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the late post, but I wanted to point out that the female triathlete on the left appears to have an erection.

Anonymous said...

triathletes the funniest picture ever

steck said...

On last night's CBS 60 Minutes, they had a segment on Bill James, the fellow who runs statistics for the Red Sox.

At one point in the segment, the camera panned over a page of stats for individual baseball players. I was amused that one of those players was ... Johnny Wockenfuss.

I'd seen this segment when it originally aired, but did not take note of Wockenfuss' name. Because I'd read this blog post recently, the name cried out to me from the screen.

Funny how these things work.

-- Paul

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