Friday, April 11, 2008

Worst of Craigslist: Disparate, Desperate, Borderline Criminal Bike Love

Yesterday New York City was fairly oozing with Springy goodness like an overstuffed vernal jelly donut, and if you live here and own a bike you were out on it yesterday after work. Every conceivable type of bicycle and rider was on display, and it was a glorious sight to behold. In fact, I even got to see that rarest of flowers: the rider wearing a sleeveless jersey and armwarmers. There is no surer sign of fair weather than this, and I simultaneously wanted to rejoice and vomit. (In the end I did a little bit of both.)

Given the warm weather and the robust Pistadex of 550, it would stand to reason that there would be an uptick in bike-related Missed Connections, and a brief visit to that section of Craiglist proved that this was indeed the case. Here are just a few of the more disturbing ones:


looking for the one! - w4m (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637889623.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-11, 12:19AM EDT

I'm a bit of a workaholic, but I truly enjoy my profession. My spare time is spent at the Cards' or Blues' games, on my mountain bike, working on my house, reading and doing crossword puzzles, spending quality time with friends or my small zoo of pets. I love to volunteer for a few special causes. As far as entertainment goes, I primarily like comedies and I love a good stand-up performer. My TV must haves are Rescue Me and Weeds. I love the fiction of Carl Hiaasen, Lawrence Shames and Tim Dorsey although I am currently on a nonfiction kick. I am a huge fan of red wines, especially zinfandels and pinot noirs, and I love going out to new restaurants. I'm sarcastic as a rule, self-depricating, goofy, and sometimes too honest for my own good. My only requirements are someone with a good sense of humor and must love animals. Beyond that, I all depends on chemistry. Still interested, drop me a line.

The reiteration of the animal caveat here is disturbing. I get a sense that many a relationship has ended prematurely due to the menagerie in which this woman apparently lives. In fact, it's obvious to me that this ad was written by "Being John Malkovich" Cameron Diaz. So if you're considering answering this ad, it's a tough call. On one hand, it's Cameron Diaz, and even with the frumpy hair and wardrobe you could do a lot worse. (Kind of like getting a good deal on a nice frame because it's got a mediocre component group.) On the other hand, well, there's having to change monkey diapers. So I leave it up to you to decide.


Well done!! An exceptional showing..ladies girls and women of NYC (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637657211.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 5:07PM EDT

This is a personal Thank You to all of the exceptional ladies who graced this warm and lovely day with their warm and lovely persons..All of you should really take a bow.

I took the day to make my first serious bike ride through the city..and I wished I had a camera every moment.
The beauty with the dark hair who was just starting to feel the sun..her black curls and lovely tan skin gracing our somber air space on 13th street.(okay..i flirted shamelessly I admit it)
The beautiful women..with their teenage daughters..showing the younger generation what it takes to be ...just simply sexy!
The blondes who were having a field day with the sunshine...
The asian girl at the entrance of central park...her bare legs under her skirt recovering from the morning goose bumps..

such a day..from my observations, 10% of you just put your heads down and let the warm weather clothes be your guide from the moment you went out...just braving the morning chill(freezing your asses off)
The other 90% found the clothes of winter peeling away...

All of you finding a place to grace the sunshine..making it shine the brighter.

A truly lovely day.....from a devoutly appreciative man..

There are times I feel nothing but sympathy and compassion for the women of New York City, and this is one of those times. I can imagine nothing worse than being pursued by some leering, slavering, cat-calling letch on a bicyle, his hormones raging like buttermilk in a churn due to the weather and the sight of a little skin. This guy is definitely a Post headline in the making: "Pedal Perv Pants at Skirts." So if you happen to see a portly bug-eyed middle-aged man on a department store Magna drooling, call the authorities or simply immobilize and restrain him if you have the equipment. I realize this describes most Magna riders, but for the sake of our city's women we can't be too careful.

looking for a girl with amazing Bright red hair - m4w - 33 (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637223397.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 11:36AM EDT

Was riding my bike yesterday up 6th ave when I stopped at the red light and watched you and your amazing hair cross the street at W 4th around 3pm. We exchanged glances. I was the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf.
You were dressed in greys and blacks with a beret like hat, your day glow red hair peaking out. fair skin and an elegant nose.
Biggest mistake of an otherwise perfect day was not stopping you to ask if you'd had lunch yet when we exchanged glances. speachless.
Don't know who reads these things but if you know this girl help me find her.
thanks


It's interesting that he specifies "you and your amazing hair" were crossing the street. Was the hair not on her? Was she carrying a wig across the street on one of those syrofoam heads? Was she being trailed by a little red merkin with legs? Personally, I'd like to see these two get together since they sound like they'd make a visually stunning couple. So if you know any wig-toting women with elegant noses (and possibly pet merkins) drop this guy a line.

The girl in black on 14th st. around 2:00pm - m4w - 23 (Union Square) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/636703029.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-09, 8:59PM EDT

you: tall girl, wearing all black. standing on the corner of E. 14th st. and Union Square E. waiting for the signal to change while looking arrestingly beautiful. if the sartorialist was around, he definitely would have been photographing you.

me: long hair, in a grey hoodie, blue jeans - walking up to the corner with my bike. i turned down broadway and thought about you all the way to brooklyn.

i was running late, or i would have asked you to have a cup of coffee with me. maybe another time?

if you get this, email me and tell me what color my bike was.
"Is 'Pista' a color?"

65 comments:

pinchfinger said...

podium

Anonymous said...

2nd?

Anonymous said...

podium???

AnnaZed said...

Ok, maybe it's the weather ... or something, but I thought those were rather sweet.

bikers on net said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Yes, springtime and love is in the air....

lorna doone said...

In a City of 11 million people, getting a positive hit to one of these ads would be a miracle. Are there any statistics available as to the success / failure rate?
And why is it, that the mfw always seem to be shabbily dressed hipsters, while the gals they are ogling sound like classy well dressed professionals?
Guys, clean up your act, get a career and some cash in your pocket. Then the chicks will be chasing you.

Mark said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

little red merkin with legs - now that's funny

Anonymous said...

tramp stamp.

techb3 said...

top 11

AnnaZed said...

Ahem, "bikes on net" those are MOTORCYCLES. Ergo, you are spamming the wrong demographic you moron.

In other news, given that I am a tad bored, I looked at every single thing on Sucka Pants site and that boy is very very very good (at photography). I mean really really good. His friends seem to be idiots, but still.

BikeSnobNYC said...

AnnaZed,

Thanks for pointing out the spam. I've zapped the comment. And yeah, that Sucka Pants does take a mean picture.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

"pants at skirts" was inspired. nice post.

AnnaZed said...

I don't know lorna doone but there was this guy:

http://preview.tinyurl.com/2jcx9f

about which no one has ever decided if he was a viral scam or true love or both!

Scott said...

The "Well Done!!!" guy could just be an Italian. Hell, it's probably Cipo himself!

ka_jun said...

"I can imagine nothing worse than being pursued by some leering, slavering, cat-calling letch on a bicyle, his hormones raging like buttermilk in a churn due to the weather and the sight of a little skin."

How about this guy, Dan Hoyt?

Anonymous said...

Ladies, if a guy lays a lame line on ya, hit him with the mace first and ask him his name later.

Anonymous said...

"shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf"

What a great fashion sense he has. Like all the colors of the rainbow have thrown-up on him. What a hunk!

Scott said...

Anon 12:31,

Do you mean this or this? I think the latter is a better idea.

Anonymous said...

Scott: lol!

ZiP said...

"is pista a color?"

hahaha, money in the bank!

Anonymous said...

Scott, Thanks for clearing that up; I think the latter is better, but it may be hard to conceal in small handbags.

leroy said...

That was touching, BSNYC.

I, for one, know that I will never again look at a guy on a bike wearing a flourescent orange camo trucker hat and khaki scarf the same way.

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

I hope today's second post has more substantive content.

...just saying.

Anonymous said...

"me: walking up to the corner with my bike. .....

i was running late, or i would have asked you to have a cup of coffee with me."

If you are running late, don't you think riding would be faster than walking? Lame excuse...

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

"Pedal Perv Pants at Skirts."

Delicious!

Anonymous said...

Hey Pedal Strike Blah Blah Blah,

Just checked out your "blog"--You are in no position to criticize the content here.

Jim said...

the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but smells like a wino... then it must be. . .

bikesgonewild said...

...i feel so dispirited & let down after yesterday's uplifting & enlightened post...
...the hopes & dreams of so many enthusiastic nation builders now lay smashed in mediocrity on the very cornerstone of our efforts by this maudlin attempt at social intercourse...
...i blame not the messenger rtms/bsnyc but it seems reality is a cold hard mistress...

thefutureofamerica said...

Cipo would have been way too busy getting his Balls on some Hed to be posting to on a day like this. Cipo does not miss his connections.

mr.complaint said...

Uhm, sorry I wasn't listening. I was distracted by the "overstuffed vernal jelly donut."

I can't find Paczki in NYC.

Gotta go. I'm in love.

Anonymous said...

What a great idea these people have!
I hope you don't mind me trying it here:
Dear girl/lady with light red hair (may have been the light, so if you don't have red hair, I apologize) who read this blog just minutes before me,
I know you're out there and I think that you know I'm out here too.
If you can tell me what color my denim jeans are, they're yours!
Please respond soon as I'm about to ride.

~Lee

OpenYourEyes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OpenYourEyes said...

I thought there was someone who comments on here that met their spouse on CL, isn't there?

Here in Denver there are about 48 people that commute via bicycle, so missed connections regarding such is really not possible. It is great fun to live vicariously through you all.

Seriously though, Magna riders- you'd think they never saw a sleeveless shirt in their lives. The second the weather warms up and all the fair-weather fit-sters come out of the gyms the homeless pervs start going crazy. Their filth encrusted down coats come off and they start cajoling and hollering to the lovelies out running, and if they could walk a straight line- hell, stand for that matter, it might be worrisome. Yes, as sure as the robin coming home from Capistrano, Magna Men in booze-soaked pheromone hysteria is always a sure sign of spring here in the mile high city.

Anonymous said...

Isn't the whole sleeveless jersey with arm warmers a triathelete thing - which makes it even more painful.

Anonymous said...

Pista is a color now, it is what the greasers of the 50's referred to as chrome. In this day in age it is the same thing but more commonly recognized as "Pista."

Anonymous said...

OT, but there must be something in the water in Phoenix, this is... I don't know, a sure sign that the end is nigh.
http://phoenix.craigslist.org/bik/638800680.html

Anonymous said...

All I know is one shouldn't start a personal ad with "i'm a workaholic" and then blabber on about all of your hobbies. It reads "I have no friends, girls aren't interested in me, so when the office shuts down for the day and I'm forced to go home, I read books and play with animals that don't have the cognitive function to recognize i'm a loser, otherwise they too would leave." or something like that

Anonymous said...

Triathletes prefer arm warmers with short tank-tops... which is even more ridiculous than sleeveless jerseys.

ssobiek83 said...

BSNYC,

I am stunned that you didn't comment on "the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf."

Maybe it is just too perfect and should be left alone to speak for itself.

And "Pedal Strike Force Agent Down," don't be bitter because you ride a Magna.

Nick said...

"The beautiful women..with their teenage daughters..showing the younger generation what it takes to be ...just simply sexy!"

I need a shower, with comet and a scrunge.

Nick

Anonymous said...

I wonder if those people just put "bike" in the post so it would get featured on the world famous BSNYC and get more exposure.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else sick of these Craiglist related posts? I can't even get through them anymore

Anonymous said...

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/bik/639054382.html

SkidMark said...

wtf is that guy talking about on the Toronto CL? Bomb ass, thingys that hold your feet in?? I assume he only wants to go downhill, since he doesn't want to pedal. What an awesome post!

Anonymous said...

OK the Toronto guy is "a shade under 5'4" " and wants a 60cm frame? What's he going to do lie on his side, slide the frame between his legs and ask some passer-bys to flip him upright?

Back to bed.

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

RE: anon 1:43

--no offense meant, I like the content here...

and
RE: Ssobiek83

I love the Magna, but unfortunately I had to sell mine to make room for all my Huffys and Murrays

Jonathan said...

that toronto CL thing: clearly taking the piss. baiting for some RTMS attention.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fleshblocks said...

if pista were a color it'd be lime green

AnnaZed said...

Anonymous 7:35 PM

Er ... um .. no.

agentdetroit said...

pedal strike force agent down

but do you have a huffy as sweet as mine?
http://flickr.com/photos/agentdetroit/2110513663/

leroy said...

Dear Anon 7:35 PM --

What Annazed said.

Annazed --

Thank you.

trevor said...

\

techb3 said...

feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

Greg Burns said...

You're a funny guy. I like reading your posts. You must spend 8 hours a day coming up with this stuff. Very entertaining. Don't stop.

sd said...

Greg Burns,
I just perused your blog, and I have to ask, how do you keep it up? Blogging that kind of volume must take a lot out of you, day after day. I am impressed, sir. Please try to keep the quality and quantity up, as I will be checking back often to keep up with your writing.

Regards,
A fan

Anonymous said...

Minneapolis/St Paul PistaDex at $520. Spring is in the air!

.BWJ. said...

Wait...if he was running late, why was he walking his bike?

Anonymous said...

Hate to be the nit picker here, but grammatically speaking the use of "it's got" is redundant, not to mention grating to read/hear. The correct term is "it has". Please, if you are going to pass judgement on others for wording at least a. recognize your own hypocrisy or better b. elevate your standards and use proper English instead of reading like one of the folks you chastise.
Keep up the good work otherwise though!

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