Worst of Craigslist: Hot, Vernal, Allergy-Inducing Bike Love

Stopping in at the Fixedgeargallery recently, I saw something which chilled me quicker and more deeply than a Sub-Zero wine cooler chills some whiny Upper East Sider's Chardonnay:

According to the photographer, "Spring is trying to get unsprung so I took a ride up the trail today only to spot two cool fixies locked up on the Loughborough Mill sign . The Red one is a De Bernardi Track Bike with Deep V rims and rise bars, the black a Spicer with an aero wheel and flat bars. On the other side of the bench is my Raleigh fixie, which took me 26 miles r/t on the trail today instead of doing a conference call . What could the hipsters who own these be doing in the woods on a Tuesday afternoon?"

Yes, what could they be doing indeed? There are a number of possibilities, and each is more disturbing than the next. Here are just a few of the most obvious scenarios:

--They're taking a fixed-gear spirit journey in which they light a fire, speak incantations, and try to divine what the next pant style will be from the way the smoke whisps curl. (My money is on surgical scrubs fastened at the waist by a length of garden hose.);

--They're filming an independent movie called "The Blair Fixed Project" that will be the toast of YouTube;

--They're mating and will eventually reproduce;

--They're abandoning their fixed-gear lifestyle wholesale and embarking directly on the newest trend, organic farming. (Representative quote from the article: "Having a cool cheese in your fridge has taken the place of knowing what the cool band is, or even of playing in that band," she said. "Our rock stars are ricotta makers." Obviously this article annoyed me tremendously, though I confess I would kind of like to see someone smash or melt a giant cheese onstage.);

--They want to become fixed-gear mountain bikers so they're doing recon on foot. (Why must some people apply fixed-gears to every style of riding, regardless of how ill-suited it is? People have to try everything with a fixed-gear the same way teenagers have to try everything stoned. "Dude, but have you ever clipped your toenails high?!?")

--They're part of some kind of "Young Goodman Brown"-esque cabal that meets in the woods with designs to hasten the coming of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse and the Apocalyptic Alpaca.

(image by erik k)

Well, whichever way you slice it, it's olive loaf, and it's disgusting. Figuring that Spring is at least partially to blame for this behavior, I nipped over to the Craigslist Missed Connections to see what kind of bike-related depravity the seasonal change was wreaking. I wasn't disappointed. Sickened, yes, but not disappointed:

Bike Shop, Lafayette Street - m4w - 39 (SoHo) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/609301809.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-17, 3:40PM EDT

I walked in last Friday March 14th at 10.10 am in the morning, You with track bike, talking to the store person about leaving for San Francisco. Bike chain on waist (I think) - you did not hang long, looked a little rushed, brown hair wavy, medium build, I'm guessing 5'7" tall. I'm guessing arts-related lifestyle. We briefly locked eyes and I thought what a cool energy you have. I had an old school Trek road Bike. When you return from San Francisco I would love to get to know you.


Firstly, the only thing worse than referring to your old crappy bike as "vintage" is referring to it as "old school." The phrase "old school" needs to finally be consigned to the slang incinerator, where it should be placed atop the ashes of "bling" and immolated immediately. It's getting to the point where people are going to start re-using condoms and saying, "Hey, baby, check out my old school rubber!" And that's not going to be good for anybody.

Secondly, it's "10:10 am," or "10:10 in the morning," not "10:10 am in the morning!" It's also not an ATM machine, nor is it 54° degrees. I really can't stress this enough without meeting you in person and strangling you until your face is blue in color.

Finally, your shrewd appraisal of her and your conclusion that she leads an "arts-related lifestyle" does not bode well for your compatibility. Should you finally meet, I don't think she'll respond well to questions like, "Do you like rock music?," I doubt she'll like that you call a person who works in retail a "store person," and I don't think she'll think the fact that you collect comic books qualifies you as artsy. I'm also guessing she was in a hurry because she sensed you were itching to use that "old school" condom.


Brown Acura MDX on I-95 "Swim Run Bike" - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/611833997.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 6:32PM EDT

Were you driving the above today on I-95? Drop me a line if so ... please.


This is interesting. At first it seems like a romantic entreaty, but on second read it could just as easily be something else altogether. Since the driver is a triathlete, if she drives like she rides it's possible she ran over this guy's dog or something and he's trying to track her down. The ellipses before "please" also imply desperation or resignation. It could be a sensual sigh...or a despondent one. (Perhaps resident ellipses enthusiast Bikesgonewild can provide us with some insight here.)

Triathletes with cars love to advertise their perverse inclinations on their vehicles, and the "Swim Run Bike" sticker is one of the more popular ways they do it. I suspect I must have some form of dyslexia though, because all I see is "Dork Dork Dork." Generally though it's unnecessary for them to display their proclivities in bumper sticker form since it's pretty obvious when a vehicle belongs to a triathlete. It's usually some kind of "sporty" dork-tastic SUV, and it's usually got either a trunk rack or one of those roof racks that clamp the bike on the downtube because they don't know how to take their front wheels off. Or if they're hardcore they're driving an Isuzu IronMan, the car that looks like it might burrow itself somewhere in your unmentionables:

In any case, I'd advise this guy to avoid her at all costs. Let's be honest--triathletes are creepy. There's just something wishy-washy about the way they flirt awkwardly with three disciplines. They're like David Bowie's sexuality, or like people who grew up in multiple countries and who can speak three languages, yet they speak each one poorly and with an untraceable accent. "Swim Bike Run?" "Avoid Avoid Avoid."

HOT Bearded Boy on Bicycle - w4m – 25 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611902659.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 7:33PM EDT

I see you all the time zooming around billyburg on your vintage bike. My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! anyway youre hot and id love to stop and chat if i see you again. my name is Raine and im from Portland. been in brooklyn for 1 year. hope i see you again soon!!

Raine

I don't condone trolling, but I enjoy reading a good one now and again. I particularly like "Raine" because if she were real she could very well be the person the bike shop guy wanted to use his "old school" condom on. It also looks as though at least one hopeful soul was taken in by her:

re: HOT bearded boy on a bicycle - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611958984.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 8:29PM EDT

"My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! "

Jeezz girl, I'm sorry but you sound real f- dumb... no thank you, but I am not interested in stopping for a chat about "the arts" with someone who has her head up her ass. Please do us all a favor and go back to Portland. leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk. ciao.

Ah yes, "leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk" indeed.