Friday, February 15, 2008

Cycling on TV: Let's Get The Show Off The Road

The 2008 road racing season is about to kick off in earnest, and I for one am brimming with indifference. Our only cycling network, Versus (which we share with the other freak sports like rodeo and hockey), is gearing up to cover the Tour of California, which begins this weekend. And so begins another year of what passes for the mainstream US cycling media putting all its growth hormone-bloated eggs in one flimsy, rotting basket.

I know I’m not the only cyclist who likes to watch TV. But as cyclists, we’re completely entertainment-starved. Most of us will watch any show that involves cycling, purely for the novelty of seeing it on TV. So it’s too bad that the people in a position to put bikes on the air only focus on professional road cycling. That’s like having a sex network and only producing shows about foot fetishism. And what’s worse is that pro road cycling is a complete wreck right now, so it’s actually more like having a sex network and only producing shows about foot fetishism during a worldwide athelete’s foot outbreak.

Here’s why Versus are wasting their time and ours, and why they should be after different cycling-relating programming now more than ever:

Doping

Until cycling stops obsessing about dopers, I’m not watching road racing. You can’t invest any interest in a race without the trainer sweat mat getting yanked out from under you by some boring doping scandal, and this year’s going to be no different. Following this sport is like watching a DVD that keeps skipping--eventually you give up and watch something else.

I know these guys cheat, and I don't care. Cycling is an entire sport based on cheating. If you race or you know anything about racing, you know that it is based on doing as little work as possible. Your equipment and your tactics are designed around saving every bit of energy you can. It’s freeloading on wheels. You can’t then expect a bunch of cheaters to not push the glassine envelope when it comes to substances and chemicals.

I mean, I’d rather these guys were clean, but frankly the only rules I care strongly about are the ones about bike design. If the UCI wasn’t so strict about that these guys would probably be riding around on foiled recumbents or something. Now that would be completely unwatchable.


Backstory

There are millions of cyclists in this country, but few bike racers. And without a dramatic backstory, the only people who follow bike racing are other bike racers—who are little more than freeloaders, as I’ve already pointed out. Just ask any bike shop owner. He or she will tell you that bike racers are whiny, spoiled, disloyal people who think the mere fact that they race entitles them to all kinds of discounts and special treatment. If they can get something cheaper somewhere else, they will.

Targeting a tiny, fickle group like this is a tremendous mistake. Would you open a bike shop that only served racers? No way. You’d be out of business faster than a rib joint in Borough Park. So why devote an entire season of programming to them?

In this country, you need a backstory to get the non-racing public interested in the sport. Obviously we saw this with Lance Armstrong, the “Baby Got Backstory” of pro cycling. Millions followed his racing exploits in the post-cancer years, despite the fact that he failed to win either the Tour of Italy or the Tour of Spain year after year. But we don’t have that anymore.

Sure, Versus tried to give Floyd Landis a backstory. I don’t remember what it was exactly—something about being Amish and having to race on a wooden bicycle. That never really caught on though, and then the whole doping thing extinguished what little spark of public interest there may have been. And I’m sure Versus will try to do this yet again. But unless Mario Cipollini seriously injures himself in a tragic hair gel-related slip-and-fall and the entire world rallies behind him as he attempts to regain the use of his penis, the only people watching road racing are road racers.


Trouble

Of course, if you don’t have an inspiring backstory, there’s always the opposite tactic—negative press. But pro cyclists don’t even have the decency to get into any juicy trouble. The only trouble they ever get into is (yawn) doping. While the rest of the sporting world is impregnating strippers and fighting dogs, the craziest thing a pro cyclist ever does is to sneak into the kitchen after dinner and have a bite of dessert. And it’s this culture of docility that simultaneously makes the sport boring to the public and allows some interloper with a bloated ego like Michael Ball to take advantage of it.

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t think cyclists should start misbehaving in an attempt to get press. But remember when Jan Ullrich took Ecstasy, crashed his car through a bakery window, and was found rolling around naked in a wedding cake? Come on, that was fun.

There's a lot going on in the world of cycling, and much of it is more interesting than pro road racing. So until Versus (or someone else) zooms out a little and starts covering other aspects of cycling, I guess I'll just stick to Youtube.

159 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi

Anonymous said...

omg -- I can't believe I got the podium!

Anonymous said...

where is everyone?

Lee said...

Podium!

Lee said...

Almost-thanks anonymous!

Anonymous said...

gay

44x17 said...

I was snickering quietly to myself until I got to the part about Cipo--- Belly-laugh, snot on my monitor funny.

Anonymous said...

You are right on the button with how cheap roadies are. No loyalty at all.
How about showing some downhill, or fourcross, or better yet some cyclocross!

Anonymous said...

Thanks BSNYC for your thoughtful, insightful, and as always, hilarious post. You've shed light on the subject and I agree completely.

bother yam said...

Not an NYC resident, so please bear with me here. What's Borough Park and why don't they have rib joints?

nolucker said...

Uh, Snob, duh,,, there is a rib joint in Boro Park. Kosher, yes, but they serve ribs, you shagetz

Karl Rover said...

This is the perfect time for cycling on tv. No football or baseball, basketball and hockey are at midseason, and the Olympics are months away. That being said, Turkey Hunting will likely get better ratings on Versus.

bother yam said...

Oh, you mean pork ribs and a Kosher neighborhood.

Gotcha...

BikeSnobNYC said...

nolucker,

Well I'll be. I guess I should have said "pork store."

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

who likes beef ribs anyway? you all are missing out, bad. mmmmmm pigfat

Anonymous said...

A branch of Satrialie's ?

Jim said...

Oh, come on, Snob. You mean to tell me that the first five hours of TdF coverage every day, with Al Trautwig waxing on* about... um... stuff, isn't riveting TV? I find it's incredibly riveting.

As in "like having your hand riveted to the workbench and staring at your 3/8ths" box end wrench for the next half day until somebody comes home to release you."

*andonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandon....

Strayhorn said...

I'll admit that the cycling world is poorer without Ullrich. If he wasn't gaining 50 lbs in the week after the season ended, he was spotted getting blotto in some Amsterdam dive.

But the Ecstacy incident was the classic. My memory of the even (as it was covered by the Beeb) is that ht went like this:

Dope tester: "Er, Mr Ullrich, we found some amphetamines in your sample."

Ullrich: "No way. I don't take drugs."

Tester: "But the sample shows it clearly.'

Ullrich: "Oh, someone must have used that to cut the Ecstacy I took the night before."

Tester: "Err . . . "

Bobbo said...

"remember when Jan Ullrich took Ecstasy, crashed his car through a bakery window, and was found rolling around naked in a wedding cake? Come on, that was fun"

Yes, it was great fun. It made him human.

Maybe when Vs rights to the Tour expire, some other network with a clue might pick it up. Just a thought...

Cara said...

I agree with you completely. Versus still mentions Lance Armstrong like every 5 seconds, he has retired..get a new rider. I'm still going to watch the versus's coverage, and then quickly change the channel when bull riding comes on.

Anonymous said...

Don't change the channel, BMX bullriding is next!

Stevil said...

I loved when Jan loved the cake.
Ones loved it more.

O'Claire said...

For your consideration:
"July With Astana"
Spend the month of July with the Astana family. Watch as Johan, Alberto, and Levi play Wii and make runs to the liquor store. Witness the needling they recieve when older family members Tyler, Roberto, Floyd, Frankie, and favorite son Lance stop by for some summertime grilling. Don't miss the drama that is sure to be there somewere during "July With Astana."

Stevil said...

I meant 'no ones'.
Fucking computers...

Anonymous said...

Ultimate bottle cage fighting follows the BMX!

John said...

I cancelled cable, but kept the internet. Pro Roadies can not even defend their lazy titles, nothing but reruns of my fav sitcoms. I am having way more fun converting my old XTR MTB in a singlespeed as per Sheldon Brown's suggestions. Spent two hours last night making sure the threads got filed just right off the axle. Include a six-pack, so old music and poor lighting and it was better anything on vs.

WheelDancer said...

...like having a sex network and only producing shows about foot fetishism during a worldwide athelete’s foot outbreak.

That's as funny as it is true and the saddest part is that even if you took all the cycling sports they are still only a minuscule portion of the cycling world. More Americans own bicycles per capita than just any other country and they are mostly used in the missionary position without a thought that they are (or could be) athletic gear. Crying shame this amazing machine doesn't get the press it deserves.

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the day M Ball takes over espn. Just imagine the cycling coverage....

Adam said...

To be honest, I think you're kind of stuck with this. Choosing not to focus on racing leaves little else to cover. I know not everyone races, but would you really want to see recreational cycling programs on tv? What are your choices?

- Touring: a 10 hour day on the saddle, compressed into an exciting 4 hours of highlights.

- A middle aged couple on cruisers ride around the sea wall. Insanity occurs when the woman eats an ice cream cone... ON THE BIKE

- Commuting: How exciting was your commute today? Unless you get hit by a car, it's usually pretty uneventful. I guess you could have a reality tv show where someone gets eliminated when they die, and the winner gets a new messenger bag and $400.

- Fixed gear stunt show. Ten minutes of skids and wheelies, followed by 20 minutes of trackstands.

Otherwise that's about it. I would like to see different kinds of racing featured more often though, like DH, cyclocross, track, crits, etc... At least be thankful you have the Tour of California though, in Canada we have OLN, which replaces events like the Amstel Gold race with dumb Cancon like "Creepy Canada".

ayendeewy said...

but seriously. jan ullrich really got wasted one night at da club and crashed his porsche into, of all things, a bike rack. you can't make that stuff up.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand what you would rather have. I know racing is boring but what do you want to watch? Shelly commuting to work?

King George said...

Screw that, Stage 3 of the ToC is coming right through my backyard (practically), been looking forward to it all year.

I hope there is another doping scandal, it's the only thing that's have interesting is people getting all righteous about the whole thing, Vaughters looking down at his nose at everyone or those "ride clean" jerseys make me want to throw up.

Anonymous said...

Adam,

Snob wasn't complaining about all forms of racing. He specifically, and repeatedly, said "pro road racing" shouldn't be the only form of cycling broadcast on TV.

Anonymous said...

Does it have to be on tv to be real? Keep the cameras away from cyclo-cross. The cameras will just make it harder to stage races and kill the local vibe. I'd rather attend races or just read about them.

Exar said...

Wheeldancer: "More Americans own bicycles per capita than just any other country"

Are you serious? I know that 41% of all statistics are just made up, but your comment was funnier than Snob's post.

Americans have more guns, more fat people, and more people who blog about fixed gear bikes per capita than any other country - hmm, are those three things in any way connected?

matt said...

Lance was banging the singer chick while still married to his wife. That's a little juicy. Not like fresh orange or peach juicy, but like carrot juicy, in the way that you can still get some sort of juice from it, but in itself it's really a boring vegetable.

I'd love to see some 24 hour XC races on TV. Not the whole 24 hours, just the highlights and stuff.

There will be some track racing during the Olympics, right?

stack-up said...

The ASO is really going all out this year to kill the tour. If the owners of these races stopped behaving like little children, maybe sponsors like Discovery wouldn't have bailed

mojito said...

Here's how my cycling-on-tv spectatorship will go this season.

1. State utter disdain for the Versus coverage of the Tour of Cali and deny any interest in a bunch of gawdy looking lycra-clad, boorish sticks on legs.
2. OK, a bit a of English Phil has got me drawn in. And Levi and Febian do look strong don't they? Man, Cav can sprint.
3. Wow, the ToC wasn't too bad after all.
4. Huh, July already. Thank God for TiVO. FF through the flat stages, stop for crashes and sprints.
5. Mountains! I don't know. Sastre, Zubeldia,
Valverde, Kirchen, Popovych, Astarloza, Menchov, Boogerd, Karpets, Rogers, Soler, Pereiro, F Schleck, or Evans. I can't decide who's going to test positive/have an early lead and blow it/win. FF until 30 mins from the top.
6. Ah, Paris. Review the key moments with WigTraut. Cobblestones. Sprint. Wow. Thank you English Phil.
7. I'm not sure if I'll bother with this again next year.

iron fish said...

I'm not following the logic, that just because there are millions of cyclists but very few bike racers, pro bicycle racing on tv will not catch on. That's like saying NASCAR will never be watched except by pro drivers.

I think, and this has been said before, that the problem is how to present a four-hour race and make it exciting for people who don't understand the fabulous subtleties and intricacies of bike racing. (Please note slight self-mocking tone here.)

I have to admit I don't see what's so exciting about watching a bunch of cars flying around an oval track for a couple of hours, but it sure does crunch cycling in the ratings department.

FunkyLaneO said...

Mario Cipollini humor is the funniest humor!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Adam and Anonymous 1:46,

Who's your favorite bike builder? Or your favorite cycling personality? What's the aspect of cycling history that fascinates you the most?

Think about your answers. Now imagine they were going to be on TV. Would you be excited? Would you watch? I know I would.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Living in SF I'll go watch the race in Marin, but Im having a tough time deciding what to wear. Im hoping Yannick Talabardon of credit argicole notices me. Do I want to go old school? Marino wool with the Belgian colors on the real steel; or maybe as Lance/Levi groupie? Discovery channel with the Trek madrone or bike mag subscriber ? CSC with the stiff yet compliant Cervelo, or disguise myself as tourist and ride Taiwan Alu. Sorry cyclists in tight jeans on fixies are not allowed in Sausalito. Help me what do I wear/ride?

wishiwasmerckx said...

If you think that Versus tortures you, remember that in France,and much of the rest of Europe, they cover each stage live in its entirity, plus pre- and post-stage analysis and commentary.

Anonymous said...

What about the Jeep King of the Mountain Dual Slalom Series. That's Mountain Biking on NETWORK TV!

Commiecanuk said...

I'm not following the logic, that just because there are millions of cyclists but very few bike racers, pro bicycle racing on tv will not catch on. That's like saying NASCAR will never be watched except by pro drivers.

The only reason I watch NASCAR is to see the utterly obese pit crews try and run down the pit lane. But the Hardees gulping, sister-touching, Fox-watching, diabetic masses have spoken.

Cycling needs to be NASCARized if it is ever to be popular on US TV, where the attention span region of the brain has atrophied to two inbred neurons. When a rider gets too far out in front, a fatass needs to wave a yellow flag for no good reason to bunch everyone up. They need more riders, and forget mountains, just run them in tiny circles until they crash.
Finally, you need a cast member of Deliverance waving all six fingers shouting, "boogity! boogity! boogity!, let's gaw cyclin'"

We need 4-6 hours of televised round table discussion to explain the abstract of drafting, a concept Einstein struggled with for years at Princeton, and only recent solved by IBM's prototype, "big bubba".

If we let the TeeVee watching world dictate sports, we need more dopers, more hairstyles, sunglasses, Xtreme attitude, Bode Millar, poochie etc. until we reach the pinnacle of sport on ESPN...dominoes, but not just any dominoes, CELEBRITY dominoes.

In short, we need more Mike's Balls.

Matt in Seattle said...

At every crit I attended last year the MC told the crowd that if they didn't know anyone racing they should yell "Go Lance!" and that would cover all their bases. They even said it at the track BS! The flippin' track!!!

Anyhow, I was thinking of the Jan Ecstasy thing through this whole post and then you use it to pull everything together. Nice work.

Commiecanuk said...

BikeSnobNYC said...
Who's your favorite bike builder? Or your favorite cycling personality? What's the aspect of cycling history that fascinates you the most?


Trek, Lance Armstrong, and the seven TDF wins over all those guys who are now admitted dopers, but we know Lance was clean because he's from Texas and he never got caught.

Martin Van Nostrand said...

forget exctasy, the best thing about Der Jan was the fat jokes, god , I miss the fat jokes.

leroy said...

BSNYC --

You ask: "Who's your favorite bike builder? Or your favorite cycling personality? What's the aspect of cycling history that fascinates you the most?"

Yes, I'd watch a show about that. Until then, there's Dave Moulton's Blog.

Hjulcompaniet said...

What about some kind of gumball thing, doing diferent cities worldwide, with open racing so locals who can't make all the other stages can race too. Winner takes all. Common sence as the law. Ulrich doing a stage like that would have me tuned in.

Anonymous said...

What about Nissan Xterra challenge? Thats on ABC I think, and its a mountain bike race.

I still think it was funny when one racer, a champion in the sport, gave up the race when his cleat broke. Poor thing.

cwcushman said...

"What about some kind of gumball thing, doing diferent cities worldwide"

It could be like Fight Quest (http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/fight-quest/fight-quest.html) the riders would have to train with a local zen master and then race. Fixed gear in NYC, tri bike in hawaii, Mountain bike in the bay area...

Pol Pot said...

Funny that this post has simultaneously whined about what it considers innapropriate media coverage (toyota ad), Famous People who like Bikes (Robin Willimans and SlowHand) and then not having enough Media coverage. This whole "We want to be appreciated and accepted while not being mainstream" is a bit like being Henry Rollins, and as we know he is real silly. I had a GF like you once snob, never fucking happy.

leroy said...

Pol ol' pal --

Girl friend not happy, eh?

Are you sure it isn't you?

I mean it can't be easy being a deceased homicidal looney toon and maintaining a relationship.

Commiecanuk said...

Pol Pot said...
This whole "We want to be appreciated and accepted while not being mainstream" is a bit like being Henry Rollins, and as we know he is real silly.


He's not silly, he's just demonstrated ineptitude in a stunning variety of jobs.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha... Cipollini!

Pol Pot said...

Leroy: Thanks for the reality check, I have always had a problem with lashing out instead of looking within (kind of explains the whole genocide thing)...but I am standing behind the "Year Zero" idea, that was pure gold baby.

Anonymous said...

I was already a causal cyclist and car road racing fan. I would also watch NASCAR on superspeedways and some short tracks. Then I caught the TdF on OLN. It was good racing. It had some similarities to car racing, except you couldn't just replenish your tires and fuel with a pitstop. The team tactics and aerodynamics of it all made it quite interesting. Bicycle racing is still racing. I have never understood way Speed doesn't cover it.

Anonymous said...

Cyclocross TV coverage should include 3 knowledable, but drunk, fans with a camera in a tethered hot-air ballon. Isn't Johnny looking for something to do? Isn't he from hot-air ballon country?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Pol Pot,

I fully cop to being a whiner, and please don't hold me to consistency. Though I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting something somewhere between road racing and Toyota ads.

--BSNYC

OpenYourEyes said...

Bike Snob NYC,

Is your question about favorites a rhetorical one? Commie answered for all of us: what else is there, or has been since The Lance, Trek, and the TDF? Does cycling have anything else to offer?

Cordially,
The Fred who rides his $5,300 road bike 120 mi/season (when it's warm(but not too warm (with no chance of rain(or clouds(or wind))))).

leroy said...

Pol --

Yes, the year zero idea was big.

But really, calling yourself "Brother Number One"?

That always struck me as a little bit of a James Brown rip off.

Everett Volk said...

Hey Bike Snob,

I don't know if you've seen it yet, but if not, I think you might appreciate this:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/10/61-bicycles/

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

wow, check out the sleeves on Kevin.

Kevin Jaeger said...

Jeez Everett, I was just going to post that link to stuffwhitepeoplelike.

I think that might be the Snob's other blog. It's hilarious, anyway.

erik k said...

I'd like to watch me some pursuit racing, keirin is sick as well, people sure watch it in Japan. cyclocross could make for some good TV as well, and all those free ride guys could definitely pull in some high ratings.

Jim said...

Screw that, Stage 3 of the ToC is coming right through my backyard (practically), been looking forward to it all year.

That will be cool. Just be careful and don't get hit with any flying hypodermics.

BTW, CommieCanuck - you really don't like most Americans, do you? Sure you don't live in Manhattan? Because you do a pretty good Pauline Kael imitation...

Marrock said...

BSNYCTV...

'nuff said.

Jim said...

Canuck, my point being that the two most affluent groups of sports fans in the U.S. are, respectively, NASCAR and Hockey Fans. We're talking center mass here. One of competitive cycling's problems, IMHO, is it doesn't appeal to the mighty middle. This is the same problem most olympic sports have - throw in a compelling Lance story or a weepy little gymnast with a bum ankle, it sells. On its merits... the only cycling sports that I think could really sell are crits & track. (Aside from BMX stunt riding - X Games stuff sells really well.)

And, FWIW, a bunch of buddies of mine - yankees I knew through rugby - are the biggest pack of NASCAR fans I know. They're mostly orthopedic surgeons and lawyers. As far as I know, they aren't sister-touchers.

JimmyNick said...

"While the rest of the sporting world is impregnating strippers and fighting dogs, the craziest thing a pro cyclist ever does is to sneak into the kitchen after dinner and have a bite of dessert."

Sporting dudes impregnating fighting dogs? Man -- is THAT on YouTube? That would be even more fun to watch than them impregnating strippers.

Pol Pot said...

Snob: I repented for my outburts (see sidebar conversation with Leroy). its just sometimes you remind me of my friend Ted from HS; he was a punk rock and hated everything and everyone for not being as hardcore as he was. If I recall correctly he either ended up hanging himself with an extension cord or managing an Applebee's, either way man it was rough. So I just don't want you to burn out like Ted man, your my main source of work avoidance. Stay Gold Snobby boy, stay gold.

Robin William's Back Hair said...

Wrong, wrong, wrong Snobby. I do not race bikes, and not only do I watch bike racing on TV, I frequently travel to far off locations to watch bike races in person, where, because of my celebrity bike-fetishist status, I am often interviewed and appear on the TV during the bike race!... and when I get home and watch myself watching said bike race in person, which I have Tivo'd, your entire premise tacos like a carbon wheel meeting a stray dog. HA! Now where did I put my new hemp-and-twine Calfee?

KYScoast said...

Yeah Snob, it's the same in the "extreme" sport, surfing. The magazines, the films, and all that you see on TV is either contests, giant wave surfing (that does have a certain sick appeal), and surf star worship. I'm sure those covering all this stuff ad nauseum would tell the rest of us with jobs, families, and other obligations, that they're just following the money. Millions build lifestyles precariously around our sports and real life goes on whether the day's star flavor of the month lives at the vortex of a media soap opera or not. Boring...Yeah the pros may push the edge of performance in their respective sports, but the rest of us surely hold the torch.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Snob:
Watch out for that Adam. He's the BSNYC of the North.

Anonymous said...

Commiecanuck, Henry Rollins, birthname Henry Garfield? So you were expecting what, exactly?

Daniel! said...

"...is a bit like being Henry Rollins, and as we know he is real silly."

He's not silly, he's just demonstrated ineptitude in a stunning variety of jobs.


Yeah, word... He totally sucked in Black Flag. Ron Reyes was the real singer, as far as I'm concerned. And what about that book, Get in the Van? Totally lame, right? I mean, who wants to read a firsthand account of travelling all over the world in a seminal punk band during the turbulent early eighties? Boring!

And don't get me started about how right you are with the whole "stunning variety" thing... I mean, can you imagine someone other than Mark Wahlberg or Chris Brown doing music AND movies? Ridiculous!

Anonymous said...

fuck nascar

tominator said...

Rib joint in Borough Park, and Cipo's member. Two allusions which made me laugh to the point of asphyxia. These latter discussions have gotten too heavy. Just enjoy.

cyclediva said...

it's pretty funny that bikesgonewild won't post after his 'midnight escapades'...little embarrased about opening up a couple of nights ago I guess.

More 'late nite with bikesgonewild'!!!!!!!!

upperclass said...

you know what the best thing about doing well for yourself? It's riding a very expensive bike (I ride a seven) and not being crazy upset if I don't ride it 5,000 miles a year. You see the thing is, I can either go out on my fishing boat, or take a quick ski trip...be sucessful in life, and you can enjoy these things too. Or can you complain you have a beater bike and cuss the rich flabby guys on thier sevens and customs...I guess what they say is true, bad press is good press...the jealousy shines my friends...heheheh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"Backstory" is the reason I don't watch the Olympics. There's a lot of yada yada about some athlete's tragic life, having been killed by Pol Pot in Cambodia, and oh, hey, there's some sort of competition going on here, and we'll be right back to that after this commercial.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised no one has mentioned Ullrich riding through the back window of some vehicle, and then a couple days later getting completely pantsed by Lance in a time trial. That was funny.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a BMX'er, but flatland and other kind of BMX stunt riding are pretty darned entertaining.

Anonymous said...

hey upperclass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSqkdcT25ss

Enjoy your life. Don't fall off the boat.

Say hi to the Kennedy's for me.

Cycle Ninja said...

Snob,

I think if the crew at Versus has brain cells still active, they'll send a crew to cover a track race. Hell, Taylor Phinney is the hottest thing on two wheels right now (assuming he's clean). The camera crews don't have to move around on a vehicle, the fans at home would understand the concept of turning left a lot, they'd be blown away by comparisons to the banking at a track compared to, say, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and they could have a radar gun readout showing the speed of the riders in the final sprint. Of course, there are about a fraction of a percentage of Americans who even know that people race bikes on tracks, which could be problematic...

upperclass said...

That's hillarious, heading to vegas tomorrow, so no boat. Should be a good time at the Sands tomorrow.

upperclass said...

Anon,

I like this one...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LJYO3r1xw&feature=related

SD_pedalpower said...

There are so many comments it's hard to keep up. Maybe there needs to be break off blogs from popular commentors that just talk comments about Bike Snow's blogs creating even more comments. Nah, have any TV spin offs ever worked?

Keep up the good work Bike Snob, I don't know how you read our minds and write about what we are thinking.

Anonymous said...

upperclass,

glad your doing well. some of us value things in life more than money. can't take all that shit with you, but if i die to an ied i know that i spent a life defending our nation in good times and bad. that is a legacy i'll be proud to leave to my family, friends and fellow soldiers. i have plenty to live and excess for excess' sake is sinful.

ltc tim

Anonymous said...

Dude, off the bike antics? Back story? Ever heard of Symmetrics? Ever heard of Svein Tuft? Guess what he does when he wants to take a break and unwind from pro racing: he CAGE FIGHTS, like UFC style.

Anonymous said...

Fortunatly in Oz we get more bike coverage in the TV - on the foreign language channel. The commercial networks often only show doping issues. Cipo, Ullrich, Pantani, Vino make racing good fun, both on and off the bike. Car crashes, party drugs, ladies......
Lance was a bore. 7(i think... lost count) tour wins, what a snore-fest. I want riders that ride with charisma, with heart cos when I race I ride with heart as well. Watch Cadel, his face on a climbs tells the effort, not like prancing (Op Puerto)Contador.

Anonymous said...

Where is the love for Henry Rollins. After all, didn't he win the Oscar for best supporting actor for his turn in "Jackass, The Movie?"

upperclass said...

you can't take it with you, but it sure is fun while you have it!

cyclotourist said...

You say foot fetish like it's a bad thing.

sh said...

More Cipo, more Cipo!
Can you work in a little somethin' about Cipo into every future post, you know, just for meta amusement?

And more Upperclass! There's been a vacuum here on the postings of late...Upperclass just filled it. We can only hope The Sands has wifi.

ltc tim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ltc tim said...

Upperclass....obviously you have this country confused with some eastern European country. Your money can't buy you class and never will now matter how hard you try.

I've known 19 year-olds with not a penny to their name who have given their lives so assholes like you can live in peace and spend your money like water.

Want to go to the desert? I think I can arrange the real thng, not some cheap imitation like the Sands. You'd last 30 seconds before you were crying and peeing your pants. Your "air of smug" is not in the least bit amusing, it is pathetic.

I don't deny anyone the right to make a fortune. That is some Americans' dream. However if what you write is true, you are truly a piece of shit. In fact, you are hardly better than the scum we hunt down in the desert. Yeah I know, "I'll sleep well in my 128 count gold lame sheets etc...". The fact that you don't even get it would be just sad, except you're just such a complete jerk.

I hope that your kids (should you have any), don't turn out like you.

And yeah, I have earned the right to judge you. I have enough debilitating injuries, enough years apart from my family, and enough friends buried to speak my piece. Really don't want to hear your reply because you are so far down on the social food chain your opinion means little if nothing.

Anonymous said...

Don't sweat upperclass, fat choads will be fat choads. Deep down inside, we all want the girls to fuck us because we're hot, not because we're fat and "successful".

Commiecanuk said...

Jim said...
Canuck, my point being that the two most affluent groups of sports fans in the U.S. are, respectively, NASCAR and Hockey Fans.


I seriously doubt that.

If UCI racing makes it to Speed/Fox, I'll sell my bike and get into curling, cricket or bandy.
Speadchanul is just like TV, except with a 12" metal spike in your striatum.

The one aspect of pro cycling Americans can't wrap their head around is if everyone in the US would stop watching the TDF and not race in Europe, I seriously doubt anyone in Europe would give a fuck. There are many sports that are doing fine without whoring out to North American TeeVee. There are also much better non-Lance bike races than the Tour day France. I hope they remain a secret.
Hard to imagine NY had 20 wood velodromes at one time.

The solution is obvious, get the American Gladiator producers onto bike racing.

Don't forget Hank's self-named band, memorable film roles, spoken word album and political talk show. He's become the Hello Kitty of the punk world.

ltc tim said...

Anon 8:30,

I know. The fact that he opens his piehole makes him all the more despicable.

upperclass said...

Guys! Just got off the tables and taking a break to check email...

Man, if the girls at the club tonight are half as hot as the talent I've seen on the tables, then it's going to be a 'bueno' evening!!

I'm up 72k and change on the hold 'em tournament...wish me luck!!!

Upperclass, out!

bikesgonewild said...

Many guys question the adequacy of the size of their penis... This is a normal and common feeling especially if you are not sexually active or are considering becoming sexually active...

...The size of a man's penis is more than adequate for its functions which are for sexual pleasure, and maybe reproduction (also for urinating -- but you're probably not as concerned about that!)...

...One thing that men can be assured of is that the size of your penis has no relation to sexual pleasure or performance. Performance is about the ability to get and maintain an erection or to provide sexual pleasure to your partner and yourself with or without an erection. Performance, then, is not really related to size -- but dependent on muscles, blood and nerve supply to the reproductive organs...

...In reality sexual pleasure is related to: a person's state of mind; to respecting their partner's needs; and their own needs. During intercourse, the opening of the vagina is normally not too small or too large for any penis because it is really a "space" that is surrounded by muscular tissue and will adapt to most size penises...

...There are also many ways to express sexual feeling besides intercourse. Sexual touching and intercourse can involve many different positions, methods, angles, pressures etc. that change the way it feels and may increase pleasure. Variation and experimentation will vary the sexual experience in ways that a change in penis size can not ! If you want to know more about increasing pleasure or your satisfaction with sexual experiences then experiment or talk to someone you trust...

...If you are still concerned about your penis size, then talk to your health care provider. You shouldn't feel embarrassed to ask questions about your own body. Everyone develops at a different rate, but if you are concerned about how quickly you are or aren't growing -- or if you notice anything that is you feel is unusual about your penis or testicles -- again, don't be embarrassed or shy to talk to your health care provider. Remember, that old saying... it's not how long your pencil is -- it's how you write your name. Or, "it's not the wand it's the magician"!!!

Anonymous said...

ltc tim it's great to see you step in every now and again. every once and awhile the 5% sees what happens when the other not-so-well-off 95% get pissed off. Isn't that how america started. What do I know though I'm just a underprivileged canadian.

I see that Snob has the new form of junkmail invading his blog now. where they rant and promote using a regular commentators name. Feel bad for bikesgonewild.

ltc tim said...

anon 12:23,

yes, its sad that the best people can aspire to is living their fantasy life online. apparently hijacking bgw's name is running a close second. i keep rereading our bill of rights but neither is in there anywhere. in other news, underclass is up $720 in monopoly with his 8 year nephew.

Anonymous said...

wow. the comments have become boring. like this one.

i wonder why people post when they have nothing to say. like this post. boring.

beth h said...

Are you telling me that the guys who rode the first Tours (in conditions that would neuter today's so-called men) were all doping? Today's riders couldn't possibly compete under the same conditions (fixed-gear bikes, totally self-supported both mechanically and in foraging for food at roadside picnics and cafes, etc. etc.) and hope to beat those "hard men". Today's riders are wusses by comparison, and THAT's why they don't capture the imaginations of the average sports viewer.

urchin said...

There may not be a ton of carousing going on in the pro peloton these days, but for the aesthetically sensitive cyclist, there's more than enough moral decay to go around, thanks to Rock and PaintASkullOnIt racing. Velo news has a few photos up today--yeesh!

Anonymous said...

Got toasted by a female 'fixie' at the crest of a hill at the end of my commute last week. Taking a breather and whoosh.. in a whirl of chopped bars and cut off combats.. the shame

Anonymous said...

Commiecanuck, so far as I can see, the exclusive reason why Henry Rollins is a celebrity is that he has a really thick neck.

Peter said...

hank is a geek... in a bad mo-fo's clothing

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this one, bikesnob, thanks.

Would love the media to focus more attention on biking than the little bit it gives to pro racing.

Andy Pandy said...

Problem solved. Get the drug tour going, but not on those feeble gonad shrinking ones but the party ones. Unleash the full crazed peleton onto a veledrome with bitchin high banks and the last one standing wins. I would pay and stay to watch that. Now do I get the Latern Rouge ..... sweet

urchin said...

Spell it lanterne rouge unless you are too pissed off at the French right now.

and no, you can never be lanterne rouge...

and you can never be an islander, to pick back up on the Jaws quote-fest from a few days ago.

Wow, this is dull. Snob, you don't take this Monday off, I hope?

Anonymous said...

speaking of penises (penisi?), upperclass does have a small one, but still, he was funny

agentdetroit said...

chavo!

Andy Pandy said...

Look what happened whilst we were debating the finer points of the french language that imposter AgentDetroit snuck back to bring up the rear. Anyhows you can have my E as I have a bag full of them

upperclass said...

Back from the Sands, man what a killer time. Where else can you stay in a room with it's own basketball court...bitchin. Let's just say I scored a few slam dunks over the weeknd (know what I'm saying, fellas)

Probably going to put an order in for a Seven IMX next wk...might be going south in the near to ride..also be nice on some of the local hike and bike trials.

You know what I love about being sucessful...Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases.

Upperclass...out!

Stompa said...

STomparillaz are proud supporters of Xtra cycle monster truck racing.. ideally two on two with gladiators standing on the xtra cycle decks with the big q-tip things trying to knock each other off.. tv coverage welcome as long as the tv crew is also on teh back of an xtra cycle and liable to get knocked in the camera head..

Anonymous said...

I guarantee that if "upperclass" really was upperclass, he wouldn't be posting comments on a blog. Just another internet troll.

Vegas Kid said...

I trust that you all know that you are being waltzed around by the willy by Upperclass. The Sands was imploded in 1996 to make way for the Venetian. The Hardwood Suite (the one with the basketball court)is at the Palms.

Cyclingredbikes said...

Nicely put Vegas Kid, Now everyone go ride your bikes!!! Surely everyone needs to work on their trackstand, learn how to get through a rock garden, or beat your buddy up a hill climb. Regardless, Go F***in RIDE!!!

upperclass said...

Ahhh my naive lower-middle class friend. While the new casino may not be called the Sands to me, I will still always call it that.

Gotta go, the market is on a tear, Bra!

Anonymous said...

I miss the days when cycling garnered 10 minutes of coverage a year on Wide World of Sports

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

Are you serious? A show about my favorite frame builder.........

Some 12 year old diseased girl in Taiwan with four half burned off fingers in the Fuji Advanced Sports Inc. factory for 17 hours straight?

A show about bike building would be far more boring to the general public than a half hour show about freeloaders in spandex.

The only way to make cycling more popular on television is put the show on in Europe.

Anna said...

Adam, the fixed-gear stunt show's been done, it's called MASH, and it's almost two hours of that, set to deliciously obscure underground music, and even includes another hour or so of bloopers (ie, epic scooter-cam crashes) I think you're right about there not being any other choice for cycling tv, though it does make me sad.

Anonymous said...

Dear God,
Please save us from the comments on this post. Please, God, make BSNY post again soon so that the comments section is no longer filled with fantasy posts by right-wingers pretending to be warriors or rich guys. Please, God, make them get their own blogs and save this one for the rest of us.
If you do, God, I promise to do all my hill repeats.
Love,

Jim

Anonymous said...

I'm having trouble with the emphasis in your sentence..

While the rest of the sporting world is impregnating strippers and fighting dogs, the craziest thing......

Are they impregnating strippers and impregnating fighting dogs.

I'd pay to see that on Versus anyday.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Vegas Kid --

You interrupted my important academic research on pasta imagery in Garfield comics for the news flash that commentator Upperclass is just shining folks on?

Hmmmph.

Jim -- I did my hill repeats yesterday. And still nothing.

Anonymous said...

Snob, ok. you're right again. how pathetic when I look forward to how you'll react to this circus. ...however If some of your charges ever came to pass you'd have to find new stuff. Until then I look forward to your next screed !

Jim said...

Interesting. I had no idea riding my bike was so f***ing political. Ahh. Good thing, I guess. It seems really clear to me that no area of life is so perfect, that it can't be made much, much better by injecting politics into it, preferably with some really strongly (and mostly anonymously) expressed beliefs.

I'll have to remember to ask people for their party affiliation on the next group ride...

ltc tim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ltc tim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ltc tim said...

Jumbo,

Thank you for moderating this forum. Is it your day to answer the phones and issue pronouncements from ontop Olympious?

I guess it really bothers you that much, that someone other than one of the other "uber-regulars" speaks their mind. You immediately attack them, the sacrifices of their family, and what they've spent their entire life protecting so jerks like you can enjoy their freedom; even if they have no clue as to what it is.

I gather from your comments that in addition to being in charge of this comments section, you are the political commisar of your ride. How very nice! A true unsolicited, unwanted, unqualified, volunteer. Keep on monitoring big guy.

spellcheck said...

the correct spelling is Olympus.

Thank You.

ltc tim said...

spleczheck

Olym-Pious

Anonymous said...

More clues to BSNYC's identity:

No post on President's Day? He's gotta work for some government agency or bank.

This would also explain why he's able to upload new posts in the middle of the work day: those people work less than Road Crew supervisors.

Jim said...

LTC Tim, evidently your Sarcasm Detection Unit is early cold war vintage, either that or you ditched it along with your common sense and the bags on the MREs, in order to lighten your load and strike marauding trolls just a little bit faster and harder.

I yield to no man in the Irritating Right Wing Political Crank Sweepstakes, and would happily throw down my political creds if you want to ping me on a private email, but I try hard to keep my politics separate from my riding, because I completely reject the notion that the Personal is Political - a proposition that seems to be poisoning the political well in a lot of countries these days, not to mention a lot of personal relationships. I just don't buy the notion that if we disagree about stuff, including some pretty major issues, that you're evil. There are evil people out there, I've met some, and not many people fit that category.

Trolls on the other hand... If you want to bait trolls, it's fine with me. But I will point out that most political trolls - as distinct from people who can discuss political differences like mature adults - most trolls appear to do it only do it because they are 27, live in their parents' basement and can't figure out how to smuggle transvestite S&M hookers into the house, so getting digitally screamed at is the next best thing for getting a quick thrill.

Plus arguing with trolls about anything is like wrestling a lonely pig. You get covered in shit, while the pig gets off on the attention. Seriously, why stoop to do it?

pinchfinger said...

Sheesh, A whole blog about Versus, the TdF, bike racing, and NOT ONE mention of Bobke!
What's up with that?

bikemojo said...

Private Tim,

Why do you feel the need to bring up your military credintials in every single post you make?

By the way, only the Creator has the right to judge, sorry you can't just 'give' yourself those rights...or are you Jesus?

ltc tim said...

bikemojo,

because unlike working at walmart, it is who i am. sorry if writing in every 6 weeks or so burns you so much. bragging would be like listing, commands, awards, degrees, and other achievements. those things are kept private.

and i will call an ass an ass, even if he is living in his mommy's basement.

jimmy-boy,

check your email before running your mouth.

ltc tim said...

and bikemojo...did you hijack the real bikemojo's name? is this another bgw?

btw, calling me a private is certainly no insult as anyone who has actually served would surely know. what an ignorant statement you elitist.

ltc tim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
crispy said...

BS: you still alive? Where's our Monday goodness?

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, let's get a new post so the crazies will quiet down. Thanks!!!

Anonymous said...

jim = pithy wisdom
ltc tim = ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder)

agentdetroit said...

pinchfinger

what about frankie?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/agentdetroit/2258200538/

Jolan said...

Anna:
"Adam, the fixed-gear stunt show's been done, it's called MASH, and it's almost two hours of that, set to deliciously obscure underground music"
Obscure music?

Blondie and Bad Brains are obscure?

Since when?

Der Blaue Reiter said...

riot, you clones! ri-ot ri-ot! tear down these virtual walls!

Nick M. said...

Absolutely stunning writing, by far your best so far. If you're looking for mass participation sport on TV, I got an idea will make you rich: you organize your own tour and market the rights: Fixed gear Tour de California with up to the eyeball crack cocaïne doped riders on no brake junkers. Spectacular, no ?

Otherwise, I guess the answer to all the issues you have raised boils down to this: 99% of bicycle racers have a flat EEG.

Ka_Jun said...

http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/postedsports/archive/2008/02/16/2nd-short-x.aspx

Hey, check this dude out.

Kelsey said...

BS-

Really? President's Day off? bummer.

Robert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

hey that is a nice bubble you got there...so tell me, where do you pee it that bubble you live in?
I like you, you make me laugh. Silly Newyoka... I think I will read your blog more often after that silly rant.

Dynafan said...

Hum... interesting and you even have an ad by versus.com on your blog page... very interesting.

bluecolnago said...

bob roll is still the king.

the clown prince of professionl cycling.

long live the king!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...lets see maybe vs. can broadcast bike polo and all the trendy freds who look really cool riding one speeds can harp over the dumbest sport on the freakin planet. As for lazy road racers...I have to disagree. How many people do you know spend 20-30hours a week on the saddle? I don't know too many and the ones that do thrive on being opportunistic and sneaky...that's the beauty of the sport, tactics, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. It's beautiful! Losers keep coming back for more in the faint hopes that they'll make that sneaky, opportunistic move that gives them the result that they've worked oh sooo hard for. I'd much rather watch a tactical battle in the mountains or a Millar breakaway with a mile to go than the Iron Man Hawaii, RAAM or any other off the wall half-breed bike sport that some halflete gets the glory and a big paycheck. Please keep the wheels and cameras rolling and support the riders that work for meager paychex and put in endless hours to live the 12K dream. Maybe one day the couch jockeys will figure it out...probably not.

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