Apparently Levi Wants To Ride

Well, the rain-soaked Tour of California ended yesterday. And speaking of things that are watered down, non-threatening stage race specialist Levi Leipheimer won the overall classification. This is highly significant, as it makes him the only rider in the event’s three year history to have won the race more than once.

However, this is undoubtedly a bitter-sweet victory for Leipheimer, as he and his entire Astana team have been banned from this year’s Tour de France. Consequently, he’s responded with a characteristically unobtrusive grassroots campaign, “Let Levi Ride.” I confess that I was initially confused when I stumbled upon the website, thinking that perhaps it was the home page of a Malaysian pop star named Letle Viride (pronounced LET-li VI-ri-day). This impression was enhanced by the photo of Leipheimer, whose black hat, bikerish jacket, and steely (or at least aluminum foily) gaze all imply he’s not going to take this whole thing lying down—even though that’s exactly how he’s taken his previous Tours.

Frankly, I find this campaign difficult to rally behind. Something just doesn’t ring true. I think there are a few directions they could have taken this instead that would have at least spoken to the issue more directly, such as:

“Let Alberto Contador Ride”

I was unable to follow the Tour de France last year due to extreme lack of interest, but according to information available on the internet Leipheimer’s teammate Alberto Contador won it last year. I’m not sure then why we should rally behind Leipheimer, who finished third. If I want to watch opportunity being squandered for three weeks I can just follow one of the French teams, or any liberal arts school graduate.

“Let Trek Ride”

The Let Levi Ride URL is actually owned by The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. This little bit of information should allow you to put a face on any fishy smell you might have detected while visiting the site. I’m sure it’s incredibly frustrating to them that they’ve sponsored the wrong team, but they could have at least been honest about it. After all, the legitimization of Tour de France participation was the only thing keeping the Trek brand from crossing over into full dorkitude. Now that they’re out, they’ll surely join other dorky companies who make bikes exclusively for dentists, like Kestrel, on The Other Side.

“Let Me Cut My Losses and Keep Quiet”

The only reason Leipheimer even wound up on the podium at the Tour last year is that all the riders who otherwise would have comprised the top 10 got thrown out. I’m not so sure he should be staring down the throat of that particular gift horse by causing trouble this year. That’s like getting a huge tax refund by mistake, and then calling the IRS to complain when it doesn’t happen again the following year.

“Let Me Ride Or I’ll Grow Disillusioned And Fulfill Your Negative Expectations Of Me”

I don’t find Leipheimer’s defiance either convincing or intimidating, and I doubt the ASO does either. Instead, I think he’d have better luck taking the self-pitying approach by making a gritty, artsy short film in which, denied the opportunity to explore his full potential, he descends into a shame spiral of drug abuse and self-pity. Such a film would not only be entertaining, but it would also make the ASO feel guilty and show them the error of their ways. The film could be available on youtube, though of course he’d also have to do a gala screening in which he gives a talk afterwards with tears streaming down his face and a snot bubble coming out of his nose.

“Let’s Standardize Bicycle Terminology”

By even caring about this whole thing Leipheimer is acknowledging that the ASO have won. Any kindergartener can tell you that the correct response would be, “Fine, I didn’t want to ride in your stupid race anyway.” Instead, Leipheimer should harness the awesome power of petitions to do something truly useful for cycling—like standardize the term for those secondary brake levers they use on cyclocross bikes. Currently, there are at least five terms that are acceptable in cycling parlance:

--In-line levers
--Interrupter Levers
--Top-mount levers
--Auxiliary levers
--Cross levers

This is more than just confusing. It’s tearing cycling apart. If Levi could put aside his petty personal interests and help us pick one of these terms, the cycling world—and the world in general—would be a much better place.