Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Mindless Coffee Zombies


As a cyclist and commuter, I’ve never managed to become completely numb to the stupidity of others. In a city of eight million people, the sheer volume of idiotic acts committed on a daily basis is almost too staggering to comprehend. One would think that I’d build up a tolerance to it eventually, in the same way that people in India can drink the water but a westerner’s face will melt if he so much as uses it to brush his teeth. But this is not the case. I’d say that at least once a morning during my commute I encounter someone doing something so stupid that the stupidity doubles over on itself and becomes a sort of perverse grace, and all I can do is watch and be amazed. (Assuming, that is, that I’m not too busy trying to survive it.)

This morning, I was riding in the bike lane at a leisurely clip on a busy Manhattan street. Things were going as smoothly as you please—so smoothly, in fact, that I should have known stupidity was about to pounce. Sure enough, from amid the cars, a woman suddenly emerged and ran into the bike lane. I don’t know how she made it through multiple lanes of fast-moving rush-hour traffic, but she did. Fortunately (for me) I managed not to hit her.

I wondered what would compel a person to risk her life like that. Was she being pursued by an assailant? Had she in fact been trying to kill herself, only to Frogger her way across the street unscathed by pure dumb luck? Had she been psychically alerted to the fact that, somewhere across town, dingoes were eating her baby? I replayed the scene in my mind, and suddenly it hit me: the coffee.

She had been holding a cup of coffee in her hand, her arm fully outstretched before her like she was handing off a relay baton. No, not like it was a relay baton—like the coffee was somehow pulling her. And her face didn’t have that look of determination you’d expect from someone who’s just risked her life; rather, she had looked at me with a bewildered expression, as though she couldn’t help what she was doing. Her lips moved, too, and while this certainly could have been my imagination, it looked like she was mouthing the words, “Help me.”

I felt like "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in “They Live” when he puts on the sunglasses and is suddenly able to see all the subliminal advertising that the aliens are using to take over the world. I thought of all the stupid things I’ve seen over the years, and I realized most of them had one thing in common: cups of coffee. The idiots who cross against the light and look right through you are holding cups of coffee. The drivers who cut across two lanes of traffic to make a left, or who blow a stop sign, or who run a red light, or who fail to start driving again at a green light, are holding cups of coffee. Even the bike lane salmon coming straight at you on their three-speeds are holding cups of coffee.

I used to think it was cell phones. But stupidity existed before cell phones. It’s the coffee.

So am I saying that cups of coffee are literally pulling people around town against their wills like an Upper East Side dowager drags her recalcitrant Yorkie into Bergdorf Goodman? Yes. What else could explain this kind of behavior? I mean, it's possible that the woman I almost hit had a liver in that coffee cup and was rushing it to the hospital for a transplant, but I find this unlikely. It's got to be the coffee. I’m not sure why this is happening or what the cups of coffee want. They may simply be virus-like, existing only to replicate themselves. This would explain why they drag people to work so vehemently. Work, get paid, buy more coffee. This would also explain the preponderance of Starbucks. It could even explain why roadies in New York City ride endlessly up and down 9W, to and from the cafe in Nyack, even on frigid, blustery days when anybody with any sense would be in the woods on a mountain bike.

Coffee zombies. Mindless coffee zombies.


124 comments:

Golzy said...

FIRST!

Anonymous said...

Coffee! Zombie till i get it/controlled by it's power afterward

Anonymous said...

Riding trails might be nice if there were any convenient one's in Manhattan (Highbridge does not count). So the cafe in Nyack is necessary to numb the pain (physical and mental) of our boring training regiment,

baybutt said...

Podium!

baybutt said...

nearly. Anyway.

You lot need to drink more tea. Much better and far less dangerous.

RB

clayton said...

you can avoid the pull of coffee by simply taking it intravenously. i do this every morning. it also saves cash. i buy the cheap shit since i can't taste it and i only need 16 ounces as opposed to the minimum of 48 ounces for ingestion. haven't slept in months. you wouldn't believe how much i get done at night between shaking spells.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:57am,

If you haven't yet, check out Cunningham.

A bit of a ride from Manhattan, but you can take the subway there.

--BSNYC

M. Weed said...

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

erik k said...

but wait, is the pull of the coffee effected buy the size of the cup? what if you are drinking espresso out of a tiny cup, as many Italian worshiping roadies frequently do? The size of the is much smaller but inversely the coffee is much stronger. What has greater effect on the pull, the size of the cup or the strength (caffeine content) of the coffee?

meenamade said...

its funny cause when i got into work this morning, it was email, NPR and then biksnobnyc. it is something i need every morning. refresh refresh refresh until i get the day's post. ahhhhh.... guiding me like a bike zombie with a hot cuppa.

Mr. C. Zombie Cetified Undead Barista said...

You have exposed us and we will get you.

Anonymous said...

Golzy, and to a lesser extent, Baybutt.
It is a comment section, not a desk-jockey crit. Podium posts are the glam-fixies of the blog world.
Stop it. -end rant-
BSNYC,
Being a wrench from "coffee-city" for 3 years, and commuting by bike then and since, I am sooo pleased that someone else finally realized that Java rules the stupid.
The worst drivers in the world are the jetta/VW bug driving, latte-swilling, blue-tooth wearing young-uns.

Golzy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

The Dingo ate my Baby! Could the Snob be an Aussie expat? Maybe you should try Roo bars on your bike if Aussie animals are becoming a problem in NY - also good (I mean bad) for pedestrians.

Maybe Rock Racing has them on their Escalades?



Roo bars

Mike said...

This quote:
"...someone doing something so stupid that the stupidity doubles over on itself and becomes a sort of perverse grace..."

is probably one of the funniest turns of phrase I've ever heard :-)

OpenYourEyes said...

Sophisticated coffee lovers know how to use their french press every morning, before leaving home, and would never be caught dead degrading themselves by the insipid chic coffee dependent scene.

Some of you out there are no doubt left feeling beat down by the snob today, but fear not: your addiction to coffee does not have to cause you embarrassment.
I am offering a Webinar on the use of the french press next week. You *can* enjoy your addiction without humiliating yourself and I will teach you how.

Anonymous said...

instant human. just add coffee.

quentin loves caddy said...

18!

mr.complaint said...

I do love coffee. I have it at home and at work but not between except if I stop at Zibetto.

I think more research needs to be done here. The UES Doyen is without coffee and needs none. That yorkie/poodle/teacup/thing in tow is just a vestage of her previous coffee cups. Not to mention much more expensive.

The Debutante here is not saying "help me" because she is out of control. She says it because you have not understood her importance. She has failed to carry herself properly. She is still in training and has not mastered MY TIME IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS and DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM! My god, she is still working!

Once she has mastered it, the rest is up to you. And you should stand back in awe.

Youth is truly wasted on youth.

the argus said...

Can yall city folk take yer bikes on the sub/LIRR/MN/NJT?

Cafn8 said...

Coffee... Good!

zombie killer said...

Caffeine is great to jump-start a long ride with, but coffee will destroy the happiness of my stomach. Even though their commercials imply sketchiness, I like to down a 5 hour energy shot before rides, they don't make you sick, and you realize afterwards that starting off on those 50 miles you were quite pleasantly energetic.

gttim said...

*Sips Coffee*

Nah.

*Sips more coffee*

bikesgonemild said...

nice quote from Dazed and Confused, M. Weed. NOW BRING IT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC: Usually I pick-up on the obscure references but, where is that zombie picture with "Obey" behind him from? They Live?

chris said...

A coffee post with no Twin Peaks reference, for shame.

Anonymous said...

Quote form Dazed and Confused??? No way!! That's the best scene in They Live-- i can only assume the massively derivative Dazed and Confused must have been quoting it too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp_K8prLfso

SeattleM&M said...

That explains those handle-bar mounted cupholders. They're really brackets for extraterrestrial pedal-assist motors!

Frogger reference, "the dingo ate your baby"? Frequent past references to Seinfeld gags and Larry David's dangling giblets? BSNYC is Jerry Seinfeld!

Aaron said...

BSNYC--
Outstanding Rowdy Roddy Piper reference! I'll wait patiently for a future post making a reference to "Hell Comes to Frogtown."

Although, I suppose yesterday's discussion of impregnation and conception would have been apropos.

Anonymous said...

They Live bank scene
apparently my movie quoting skills exceed my html skills.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend was hit by some ass who was pulling out from a drive-thru coffee shop while on her commute home. It's definitely the coffee that drives these morons to new heights of stupidity; we knew it then.

Anonymous said...

On the ride to work I regularly witness impending commuting-by-bike-indignity: the coffee held out in front by an oblivious pedestrian stepping into the roadway pretty much ensures that should a collision occur, my facial/frontal/groinal region will be treated to the full-on hot Starbucks experience. Can't wait!

specialagentdalecooper said...

Good, hot, black coffee!

http://tinyurl.com/2wqma7

leroy said...

BSNYC - very nice public service announcement re Cunningham Park. For roadies: ride out to the Vanderbilt Motor Speedway and then wander up to the bike path along the Cross Island.

On the post though .... I'm not sure it's the coffee. I too have noticed more clueless pedestrians lately, with and without coffee, darting in front of me.

But just in case, I'll stick to a habit I picked up living down South.

Instead of coffe in the mornings, diet Mountain Dew. All of the caffeine and none of the sugar. Heck, it's almost healthy.

leroy said...

Argus -- yes, y'all can take y'all's bike on the subway fer no extra charge.

Y'all jes' can't ride it on the subway. Too crowded.

sd said...

Leroy,
Yinz gets mighty worked up over colloquialisms... Methinks you may be hiding a little mutton in your blood.

quentin loves caddy said...

I laughed out loud when I got to the "help me" part. I once had a young woman who looked like she worked at a mediocre salon (gross artificial tan, bad highlights with split ends, strappy high heels with cheap black polyester slacks) saunter out in front of me from behind an SUV into the bike lane while I was moving along pretty quickly, yell out with her hoarse, Virginia-Slim-smoking-voice, "Oh, shit!" while shuffling her ample ass back and forth about 6in in either direction. It's funny how quickly you can figure out how little a person contributes to this world.
And Mr. Complaint: in the words of Salvador Dali, "Young people are stupid." I'm in my late 20s, but I've been through enough to add on a few years.
Good post, BS. You definitely qualify for old-man status.
If you had to choose, would you rather be old and smart (and maybe pretty cynical), or young and stupid? Perhaps only the worst Hollywood movies can decide.

Anna said...

The most heinous of the stupidly coffee dependant are those that dont even know what they're ordering. "Sir, this is a machiato, I don't know what you were expecting." He then barrels out of the shop, into the street to hunt down bicycle commuters, holding his espresso-that-he-did-not-expect out in front of him like a bomb.

Anonymous said...

mmmm coffee. it is certainly true that the world would be a better places if people would just make their coffee at home.

as for the post earlier...a coffee drinker would know that light roasts have a much higher caffiene content than the dark roast beans that would be used for espresso.

brownjoe said...

whatz wrong wit caffee an bikz !?!
i putz my espressssso in my aero botl with the sippe straw on the aero bars and ride upstream as fast az i kin.

bikesgonewild said...

...two words::: yerba mate'...

Polygraf said...

cunningham? I grew up 5 min away, and we would ride our bmxs all over those trails, back then (83/83')there were these bowls-dirt half pipes too, truly heavenly. Now we need 27 gears and full suspension to ride what we rode on a 20 inch, so sad.
"America runs on Dunkin" it should run on green tea and slim blunts!

salmon said...

Largely unrelated tot today's post except that you yet again mention bike lane salmon:
For those of you not familiar with riding in Manhattan the "bike lanes", if you can call a few stripes of paint on the edge of a narrow street a bike lane, are mostly on streets and avenues that are one way. There are very few days that go by that I don't ride the wrong way down a street to get to a destination. This is usually for a half block or so - if it's more I'll go with traffic around the block. But riding around the block in NYC gets old quick when you have to do it 20+ times a day. Given the sheer volume of folks on bikes in the city, is it possible that some if not many of these salmon are only going against the flow for extremely short distances? If so, are we still salmon?
Signed,
Happy salmon, proud salmon.

Jim said...

Since Clayton appointed me High Priest of Roadie Outrage the other day...

Here's the scoop. It's not that the people are drinking coffee.

Oh no. Not at all. Coffee, after all, is the drink of the gods. It enlivens the liver, sparks the legs, fires the membrain. As *all* true roadies know, coffee, properly taken (tiny cups, brutally strong, creamy light brown foam on the top, mini-biscotti, while ogling hot women passing by in mini-skirts and heels) is the bicycling equivalent of communion wine. It is nearly sacramental when taken post ride with other fellow communicants in The Church of the Holy Wheel. When the sacrament is practiced at a local coffee shop, the spiritual dimensions of Coffee are undeniable and clear, particularly during the feast days of Sportin'o'Haltertops (First warm day of spring); The Blooding of the Swag (club member is first to get, ride on lusted after bling, e.g. SRAM Red); and of course, Passover, which celebrates when one's wife walks by and appears not to notice that the old Trek 700 in the corner of the garage was replaced with a new $10k Cervelo SLC SL.

This coffee drinking rite must be respected.

Sure, there are lesser religious rites which we respect. There's The Church of the New Reform Taco Wheel - the mountain bikers who drink it, revolutionarily, pre-ride. There's the Temple of the Rolling Wanderers - touring riders and randos, who drink it mid-ride. There are even those who observe the strange, some would say cultish right, Holy Tabernacle of the Bike-Borne Cupholder. Yes, the bike commuters.

But all observe the rite in some respect - as sacramental issue to be used in conjunction with that other object we worship, the bike.

Very simply put, the satanic folks in the four wheeled vehicles are committing a great sacrilege when they load up on coffee. The coffee knows this - it does not like being used in the vehicular equivalent of a black mass - drivers should stick to a more fitting drink like luke warm sea water or beer - and the coffee simply moves to try to reunite itself with its natural object of affection, the bicycle and its rider.

So when the pedestrian runs into the street, arms outstretched, and gets in your way, it was dragged there by the coffee. So too the car that turned left in front of you - the coffee made it do it.

Do not hate the pedestrian or the driver, oh brothers, for they know not what they do. It is not personal - that coffee merely wishes to get to where it belongs, in the hands of an appreciative rider, preferably one sitting outside at a cafe on a warm day.

Always respect that coffee. It's the reason most of us ride.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

It is not only the coffee but the need for and anticipation of the coffee that presents a clear and present danger. In coffee-drenched Seattle, the most dangerous place to be on a bicycle is in the bike lane between a car driven by someone who must have their latte and an empty parking spot in from of a Starbucks. The second most dangerous place to be is in the bike lane next to a car that has just been parked in front of a Starbucks by someone who needs their latte so desparately that they don't have time to look before they swing the door open. The third most dangerous spot is in the bike lane next to a car driven by someone who's got their latte but is now late for work and tears out into traffic like a police car from a Dunkin Donuts parking lot.

Commiecanuk said...

I hope the salmon analogy doesn't mean people are ejaculating all over Broadway...but that would explain the stickiness.

salmon are idiots said...

I think you are onto something with this coffee + human = stupidity theory. An angry driver threw an entire cup of DD coffee (the worst kind) at my club last year when we didn't surrender the road to him, and now I wonder......did he immediately get his brain back and think, "oh god, what did I just do?"

Probably not.

Anonymous said...

Lewis Black has all this coffee thing figured out.

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/05/a_cup_of_joe.html

HeartlessNomad12 said...

Should come to Seattle, the Starbucks capital

Anonymous said...

Oops:

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/05/
a_cup_of_joe.html

Judi said...

Always respect that coffee. It's the reason most of us ride.>>.

************

Yea Jim - what is it about coffee after riding in the cold? YUM!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Polygraf, Cunningham is way more fun with one speed and no suspension, no matter what your wheel size. Nothing sad about getting real, purpose-built mtb trails in there. The bowls are still there, just overrun and wrecked by decades of moto and atv abuse. Nice new dirt jumps though if you want to dust off that old 20. Change isn't a bad thing.

Highbridge has been in good shape this winter too, although I can see why roadies might be scared to ride there...

Sprocketboy said...

Jim, I thought that BikeSnob's posting was brilliant (recalcitrant Yorkies and all) but you have added so much to the Coffee Truth.

A year or two ago I read that Nestle was trying to find a way to get Italian consumers to accept take-out coffee and walk to work with it. There is no way to do this and maintain la bella figura so Nestle was retrenching and attempting to start them with bottled water first. But just thing: what would Mario Cipollini do?

Jim is right: coffee should be consumed sitting down, from tiny cups with the perfect crema, while sitting under umbrellas in Renaissance-era public squares where you can ogle lovely women in miniskirts, your Pinarello propped up next to you.

Paper cups; oversweetend tea in aseptic packaging; Strange Pastries of Fear; Coffee Zombies--that Mr. Starbucks has a lot to answer for on the road to worldwide dominion.

Prolly said...

YES! They Live is fucking awesome.

Biiiiiig ups on that reference.

mdtseven said...

A reference to Roddy Piper? That's King Size work, Sir.

M. Weed said...

I do believe tea is in some ways superior to coffee. It seems to resist gross commercialization a little more strongly....

[from a Philly Inquirer editorial]: Starbucks' nomination for a Nobel Prize in Economics:

Starbucks.
Discovered in the 1980s how to make otherwise rational agents, pursuing targeted short-term interests in an open marketplace, pay more than $4 for a cup of coffee. Seattle headquarters noted that the firm had been responsible for the largest shift in discretionary income in modern capitalism, and had been coincidentally nominated by more than 12,000 entities around the world. Instructed Scandinavian employees to double syrup allotments in all Swedish lattes.

Jim said...

trying to find a way to get Italian consumers to accept take-out coffee and walk to work with it.

Get an Italian (or almost any European) to walk with food & drink in their hands? Might as well try to talk a fish into taking up sun bathing.

serial wrecker said...

recalcitrant
thats a pretty expensive word you snuck in there via the last paragraph...nicely done

broomie said...

(sobbing)
Yes its true. Coffee is our Dark Master. It gives a select few manic Jedi like powers, the rest become our mindless servants.

Yes, people are ejaculating all over the road on Broadway, I'll show you sometime how the salmon get fertilized by it! And, if you take away the cars the streets smell like pee.

Green tea and blunts won't make people smarter. They'll just walk into traffic wearing more comfortable clothing.

FYI. Starbucks only owns about 2% or the worlds coffee. Nestle owns about 80%.

Anonymous said...

Salmon,

If we cross paths while you're going the wrong way in the bike lane, I'm inconvenienced the same amount whether you're going one block or twenty. The only thing that changes with the distance is the total number of people you aggravate.

I'm not bothered by a little rule bending here and there, but not when it's at someone else's expense.

-Russ

curmudgeon said...

Hey Salmon,
If you want the same rights to use the road, respect the same rules. I'm sure you'd be quite outraged if motorists decided they didn't want to be similarly inconvenienced by having to go around to go one or 2 blocks. Not to mention that you are increasing your odds of having a crash and putting others in danger, who suddenly have to make room for you.

Dan K said...

First, I must say, coffee is great. I’m painted to even have to join in on a post that is anti-coffee, much less make a post that could be construed as anti-coffee. That said, my personal safety is important to me, and not having my face/frontal area/especially crotch scalded is also very important to me. I also believe that people learn well from physical pain and the threat of physical pain can be a great deterrent to the oblivious “me first and to heck with you” moves that are all too common. Lastly, my bikes are all fairly rugged. Personally, if I encountered someone stepping into the bike lane I was riding down right in front of me, holding a coffee out to announce their intent to cut me off and scald me if I can’t avoid them, I’d ghost ride the bike right into the offender. If enough of you New Yorkers did that, you might find yourself being assaulted with scalding beverages less often. That, or you may find yourself shot. Hm…

Oh, and “bike lane salmon” is literary genius. Props.

Anonymous said...

So that explains why I am the only sane, common sense thinking person left on this rock -- I don't drink the crap.

Vote Fred Thompson!

Cycle Jerk said...

I have never had a cup of coffee or tea in my life...

I need to find some other excuse that justifies all the idiotic things I do.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Oh my god--literal bike lane salmon!

--BSNYC

leroy said...

Yikes!

Those really are bike lane salmon!

SD -- I'm a Southerner by marriage. It's one way to make sure my kids don't have Brooklyn accents.

Polygraf said...

Anon 2:57,
First, i don't own a full suspension.
Second my 20" is not dusty cause i ride it often. My ultimate point was remembering how simple those days were.
As mentioned I grew up 5 min away and my folks still live there, went to high school down the block, Cunn. and Highbridge(was there opening weekend) are ok at best.
I ride trails to get away. Broken glass and being able to see traffic is not my idea of getting away.

cogxxxtreme said...

Yo Yo I be the cogxxxteme,best get off me, love my coffee, only things hotter, be shorty wit da tits I bought her, wakes me right up, cock from her tits, mind from a cup, cupa joe and a ho, dats how I roll, hand to mouth dats how they go, she start wit her hand an end wit her mouth, thats the kinda mocha I'm talkn about. I giver da cream, I pour another cup, Yo dats how Cogxxxtreme wake up!

Polygraf said...

what?

leroy said...

Jim -- I have a whole lot more holidays to take off based on your post! Thanks!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Cogxxxtreme,

Your lyrics have so much flow salmon try to swim against them.

--BSNYC

clayton said...

anon 1:47: dark roast has more caffeine by weight, but less by volume (the beans expand during roasting). the difference then depends on whether or not one measures beans by weight or volume when making coffee or espresso. ultimately, i think the difference is too small to notice for most.

Jim: i made fun of roadies earlier today. sorry for not asking your permission. who do i make the check out to?

Anonymous said...

cycle jerk,
"I have never had a cup of coffee or tea in my life...
I need to find some other excuse that justifies all the idiotic things I do"

Live a little.

Everyone's doing it.

C'mon, we won't tell...

clayton said...

nevermind. just read up. i had it backwards. dark roasts shrink during roasting (duh) but they barely lose caffeine and since they shrink more beans are used per drink. in other words, while they have a measurable though tiny amount less of caffeine per bean than a light roast, the drink will typically have more caffeine when made with a dark roast.

cogexxxtreme said...

Word!
yo I got.......
more flow then a visiting aunt, more flow then a maxi can stop,
higher level of hip hop, period.

Little Billy said...

Mommy, Daddy! Cogsexxtreme is using naughty words!!!!!

M. Weed said...

Cogexxxtreme is all out of bubblegum!

cogexxxtreme said...

Yo, check this out:

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

Marrock said...

Ok, just read coggy-zippy-what's his name's post there and I think my universal translator is broken because that was complete and utter gibberish on the level of one of president monkey's speeches.

Anonymous said...

wow....um...nice change of pace on that last one.


Nancy boy!

baybutt said...

cogsexxxtreme must live on the "West Side" of town

I hear there are gangs there.

justacoolcat said...

Now combine this post with the last one, a pair of those glasses, and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and we have the makings for an epic film.

Anonymous said...

This comments page is a fucking wild scene.

bikesgonewild said...

...c3xe wuz relating a love story...

...the proof is in the puddin' & shorty wuz puddin' it in her mouth cuz she be lovin'...

quentin loves caddy said...

anon 4:17 . . .
are you fucking crazy or are you just stupid? Sanity and common sense? What? I believed you until you called coffee crap and then said to vote for Fred Thompson. Please move to a different rock.

leroy said...

Salmon swim gainst the flow, to drop the roe, don't be sayin' they's ho's, cause it's the most natural of urges I knows.

But on a bike, it be dumber than dirt, some po' fool could get hurt. If that po' fool be me, salmon you best have yo health insurance paid up, cause you gonna get laid up. Yo' flow hoppin', roe droppin' days will be done, that be straight up.

You'll be dearly departed. Yo' dead salmon stink will be worse than this verse or that time Cogxxxtreme's doggie done farted.

******************

Hmmmm. It looks so easy when Cogxxxtreme does it.
That guy just may be some sort of genius.

Fred Thompson said...

If you don't vote for me, at least admit I'm a good actor

Anonymous said...

cogsexxxtreme = cogswetdream

Anonymous said...

cogxxxtreme,

when does the album drop?

cogExxxtreme,

lame!

The Great White Hype said...

Like others, I give you HUGE props for the Rowdy Roddy Piper reference.

Somewhere, someone is saying "gee, bikesnob is showing his age". Wait a second, thats me.

I was in my LBS and saw one the mentioned handebar mounted coffe cups. It was bigger than my regular ride bottles, and they're 700ml.

Jim
The GWH

Anonymous said...

I hate to do this but one word is all it takes to destroy the credibility of this theory:
Utah

broomie said...

Against my better judgement I feel compelled to point out that even that fish is swimming with the flow of traffic.

As far as I can tell, Coggswhatsittreme's rhyme is some sort of ode to autofellatio..Which means he probably has one huge c***. In which case I am very impressed since I can barely touch the tip of my own on a good day. That and a love of Sound of Music makes me a Coggsy fan. Shame Rolf turned out to be such a prick.

erik k said...

so light roast coffee has more caffeine than dark roast coffee, interesting, and if Jim theory about coffee is right that would explain whey the snob is constantly having to avoid moving obstacles clenching coffee and a why an entire large cup of DD coffee was drawn to the pack that, "salmon are idiots" was ridding in

Andy Pandy said...

So Karl M was wrong and caffeine is the opiate of the masses. What ever floats your boat. Perhaps RapMaster Cogs has snorted just a little too much up one of his orifaces

Polygraf said...

Cogxxtreme is really Snow representing thugs in Canada.Damn.

Anonymous said...

those actual bike lane salmon are at least going the right way.

anonymous 7:36pm said...

damn.. i was beat to the punch

cogsexxxtreme said...

here's a little diddy (like my diddy) for you Broomie....

I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

peace out bizotchezzz

broomie said...

Coggs you are too cool!

I love to sing that song when I get together with the boys to shave our legs. I'll send you picture message of the fun sometime.

Andy Pandy said...

Yo da penny just dropped
Cuz his career done flopped
Me man Da Cogs wild boy is really be
Grand Master Flash Run BMC
Crossin to get some new street cred
Out of the blue his old skin shed
Hangin now with da kool fixie crew
Crusin and slammin down a brew
Bitches swoon , hoodies a must
All bike porn and bike bling lust
Round his neck a 10 speed chain
New props new crew new fame to claim

Ups to my inspiration Ali G

mr.complaint said...

What is a small medium or large cappucino? Is there really such a beast?

If you're bored in NY try the Old Put or the Old Croton Aqueduct. Start in Van Cortland and ride your cross bike. Before the weather gets nice.

http://tinyurl.com/2xl2qg

WRXJohnny said...

Long-time reader, first-time caller.
I heart coffee.

Jim said...

Clayton writes: Jim: i made fun of roadies earlier today. sorry for not asking your permission. who do i make the check out to?

After a bike ride of any sort, Clayton, go to your nearest locally owned, organic bean, fair trade coffee shop. That kind of shop will have big burlap sacks of coffee beans off to the side. Drop to your knees in front of the sacks. Inhale that sweet, rich, Colombian/Indonesian blended incense deeply, then confess your faith at the top of your lungs, saying, "Oh dear God, I love coffee. And roadies aren't bad either."

For your penance, approach the barista and say, "two triple espressos, please." Tip the barista mightily, that you might be forgiven.

Roll in peace, and sin no more, my son.

Anonymous said...

I have a penchant for coffee enemas. It's just a bit tricky steering when doing so.

sprider said...

Jim,
You slay me! I want to join your church, o preacher of all things right with bikes.

Anonymous said...

106!

Yeah!

Giles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Giles said...

I had thought that the association between coffee and evil was already established, with Dethklok's Sell-out to Duncan Hills

JoelMatthews said...

Jim:

Darn near perfect couple of posts. And this from some goof who argued with you over some fool issue a while back.

I'll accept trading the 700 for a Cervelo. But the 959 stays man.

salmon said...

Folks responding to my salmon comment - do you even ride in nyc? I find it inconceivable that anybody riding in manhattan doesn't go the wrong way down a one-way street once in a while. It's not impossible but it's hugely impractical not to do this. I'm not talking blocks an blocks against traffic, I'm talking a half block or a block to cut over to an avenue, etc...
I'm standing my ground on this one - and just being honest. If you haven't ridden in manhattan, sorry but your responses don't apply. I agree that riding against traffic is generally a terrible idea but you too would bend the rules if you saw the streets I'm talking about.
snob - be honest, have you never ridden the wrong way in the city? I think you have...

The Great White Hype said...

Andy Pandy:

Run BMC...gold...

Jim
The GWH

Anonymous said...

bikesnob = racist against coffee

Anonymous said...

How about:

I am sixteen going on seven months
And I'm beginning to show
My Daddy asked me who the father is
I told him I don't know

Anonymous said...

You are right to dismiss the possibility that the lady is carrying a liver for transplant in that coffee cup. Livers weigh around 6kg (1 stone) and are heftier objects than the anatomical amateur might think...

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Don said...

In Lethbridge we push the coffee against the wind. It's a better workout.

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Jim said...

Bikesnob, you truly are a prophet! Judging by this Dunkin Donuts commercial, it seems people ARE actually being dragged around and controlled by coffee!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbZKULIJwEE

Interestingly, it seems they are also controlling children (too young for the lure of java) with donut tractor beams...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOydrJgmO_k

What lotto numbers should I play this week?

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