Trackstar Champion Scarf
One of the first things you learn when you start riding, just after how to fix a flat and not to wear underwear with your cycling shorts, is that it’s extremely dorky to wear pro team kit, grand tour leader’s jerseys, or World Champion stripes while you’re riding. (Unless of course you’re on a pro team, are leading a grand tour, or are a World Champion, in which case it’s only mildly dorky.) It would follow then that wearing a scarf in the World Champion colors is completely unacceptable, unless you’re an actual World Champion with questionable Euro tastes who’s susceptible to chest colds. (Or maybe some kind of drunken Belgian superfan.) Apart from that, all the scenarios in which this scarf might be worn are almost too awful to contemplate. If you’re wearing it on the bike, you’re committing a double crime: wearing the World Champion stripes; and wearing a scarf of any kind while cycling. If you’re wearing it off the bike, you’re just a peacock of dorkitude. In any case, I’m issuing a recall on the Trackstar Champion Scarf, as wearers are at risk of strangulation by me.
Primal Wear bRide 2B Women’s Jersey
A reader recently forwarded me this item, and so I’m issuing a recall on it effective immediately, as any woman who dons this jersey is at severe risk of sudden and complete loss of dignity. I imagine this jersey being worn aboard a recumbent that’s got a “Just Married” sign on the back and is dragging a bunch of soup cans. I have to hand it to Primal, though, for only they could reach this deeply into the cauldron of bad taste and withdraw something even worse than the tuxedo t-shirt. As a company, they’ve also managed to successfully show what the world would be like if terrorists detonated a bomb that somehow destroyed all irony while leaving humor intact. And perhaps most amazingly, this may be the world’s only jersey with an integrated tramp-stamp.
If cycling were an orange, roadies would take that orange, put it on a juicer, squeeze all the pulpy, delicious goodness out of it, and then eat the rind. And this is most apparent in their use of Power Cranks. When I see somebody out there on a bike with Power Cranks doing his idiotic prostrations, both his pedals in the 6:00 position as his lycra-clad taint bears the full brunt of his weight, I don’t know whether to laugh or just run him off the road. Users of Power Cranks cite performance gains, but it’s pretty obvious to me that once you’re determined enough to use something this stupid you’re going to somehow milk performance gains out of anything. As such, I’m issuing a recall, since these cranks are obviously broken. Duh. Not only that, but they cost like $1,000. If you’re considering these malfunctioning pieces of garbage do something smart and buy a mountain bike instead. Not only will you learn how to pedal, but you’ll also learn how to handle your bike. (And you might even have some fun.)