Rack 'em! Five New Cycling Magazines

There are certainly plenty of cycling periodicals. Even so, I’m of the opinion you can’t be specialized enough. Sure, the gaps between magazines may be filled pretty effectively by the thousands of specialty cycling blogs and websites out there, but there’s still nothing like good old-fashioned paper. Racers may have “Velonews,” recreational riders may have “Bicycling,” and fixed-gear riders may have “Paper,” but that’s not going to cover everybody. Here are some new magazines I’d like to put on newsstands that will surely make me the William Randolph Hearst of bike publishers:

Effete Roadie Review

The periodical for people who keep their road bikes in heated garages.

Articles and features:

--"Biking & Bibbing": 10 great wine-besotted European cycling tours;

--"Say When": How high is too high when it comes to leg-shaving?

--"Throwing The Baby Out With the Bathwater": You just found a scratch on your Serotta. Of course you should sell it, but should you part with just the frame or get rid of the whole thing? Why you should do a spreadsheet before you decide;

--"Putting All Your Fabergé Eggs In One Basket": How many Colnagos can you fit in a BMW X5?

Wet, Hot & Retro

The fetish magazine for retrogrouches that makes the “Rivendell Reader” look like the 2008 Specialized catalog.

Articles and features:

--"A Nub Is Enough": A steamy pump-peg pictorial;

--Philip Roth on chain hangers, chromed stays, and sex with shikses;

--A monthly “Big Lug” centerfold. (Look for a Columbine seat lug as “Miss December”) ;

--A behind-the-scenes report from the set of “Quills,” a remake of the 2000 Marquis de Sade film being directed by Grant Peterson;

--"Friction": Doin’ it on the downtube.

Anal Retentive Cyclist

The magazine for people so afraid of damaging their bikes that they won’t ride them.

Articles and features:

--"Itchy & Scratchy": 20 things you should never, ever lean your bike against;

--"Is This Ride Really Necessary?" Evaluating risk-to-reward ratio before leaving the house;

--"I’m Melting!!!" What to do if it gets wet;

--"Velo Dentata": Your drivetrain and why you should never, ever touch it;

--"Floating On Air": 16 completely scratch-free mountain bike trails;

--"Operation Nannycam": Trust your favorite bike shop with your repairs? Think again!

Urban Freerider

The magazine for people who like short stems, thru-axles, and giant headphones.

Articles and features:

--"Dirt": What it is, why you should avoid it, and what it can do to your iPod;

--"Drum and Bass, Video Games, and Weed": The three-pronged approach to mad bike skilz;

--"Stairing Contest Part 1--Brownstoned": Riding the stoops of Brooklyn’s historic brownstone district;

--"Stop! Hammer Time": How loose is too loose when it comes to pants?

--"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Why you need 180mm of front-end travel to ride off the sidewalk.

Cycle Commuter

For people who ride their hybrids to work instead of driving them.

Articles and features:

--"Cuff ‘Em!" Six pant-leg retainers compared;

--"Precious Cargo": Why you should carry your briefcase to work in your Rhode Gear Co-Pilot Limo child seat instead of removing it when junior gets too big;

--"Excuse Me While I Kiss The Sky": Think your bars are as high as possible? Think again! One rider’s inspiring tale of how he reached heights he never thought possible;

--"Hindsight is 20/20": How to affix an automotive rear-view mirror to your 80s Bell helmet;

--"Makin’ the Seen": 75 more places to put reflective tape.