Friday, November 9, 2007

Rack 'em! Five New Cycling Magazines

There are certainly plenty of cycling periodicals. Even so, I’m of the opinion you can’t be specialized enough. Sure, the gaps between magazines may be filled pretty effectively by the thousands of specialty cycling blogs and websites out there, but there’s still nothing like good old-fashioned paper. Racers may have “Velonews,” recreational riders may have “Bicycling,” and fixed-gear riders may have “Paper,” but that’s not going to cover everybody. Here are some new magazines I’d like to put on newsstands that will surely make me the William Randolph Hearst of bike publishers:

Effete Roadie Review

The periodical for people who keep their road bikes in heated garages.

Articles and features:

--"Biking & Bibbing": 10 great wine-besotted European cycling tours;

--"Say When": How high is too high when it comes to leg-shaving?

--"Throwing The Baby Out With the Bathwater": You just found a scratch on your Serotta. Of course you should sell it, but should you part with just the frame or get rid of the whole thing? Why you should do a spreadsheet before you decide;

--"Putting All Your Fabergé Eggs In One Basket": How many Colnagos can you fit in a BMW X5?

Wet, Hot & Retro

The fetish magazine for retrogrouches that makes the “Rivendell Reader” look like the 2008 Specialized catalog.

Articles and features:

--"A Nub Is Enough": A steamy pump-peg pictorial;

--Philip Roth on chain hangers, chromed stays, and sex with shikses;

--A monthly “Big Lug” centerfold. (Look for a Columbine seat lug as “Miss December”) ;

--A behind-the-scenes report from the set of “Quills,” a remake of the 2000 Marquis de Sade film being directed by Grant Peterson;

--"Friction": Doin’ it on the downtube.

Anal Retentive Cyclist

The magazine for people so afraid of damaging their bikes that they won’t ride them.

Articles and features:

--"Itchy & Scratchy": 20 things you should never, ever lean your bike against;

--"Is This Ride Really Necessary?" Evaluating risk-to-reward ratio before leaving the house;

--"I’m Melting!!!" What to do if it gets wet;

--"Velo Dentata": Your drivetrain and why you should never, ever touch it;

--"Floating On Air": 16 completely scratch-free mountain bike trails;

--"Operation Nannycam": Trust your favorite bike shop with your repairs? Think again!

Urban Freerider

The magazine for people who like short stems, thru-axles, and giant headphones.

Articles and features:

--"Dirt": What it is, why you should avoid it, and what it can do to your iPod;

--"Drum and Bass, Video Games, and Weed": The three-pronged approach to mad bike skilz;

--"Stairing Contest Part 1--Brownstoned": Riding the stoops of Brooklyn’s historic brownstone district;

--"Stop! Hammer Time": How loose is too loose when it comes to pants?

--"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Why you need 180mm of front-end travel to ride off the sidewalk.

Cycle Commuter

For people who ride their hybrids to work instead of driving them.

Articles and features:

--"Cuff ‘Em!" Six pant-leg retainers compared;

--"Precious Cargo": Why you should carry your briefcase to work in your Rhode Gear Co-Pilot Limo child seat instead of removing it when junior gets too big;

--"Excuse Me While I Kiss The Sky": Think your bars are as high as possible? Think again! One rider’s inspiring tale of how he reached heights he never thought possible;

--"Hindsight is 20/20": How to affix an automotive rear-view mirror to your 80s Bell helmet;

--"Makin’ the Seen": 75 more places to put reflective tape.

122 comments:

Chazu said...

Maillot Jaundice.

unotache said...

number two

Anonymous said...

jesus you guys are fast

thefutureofamerica said...

podium?

thefutureofamerica said...

akk, no podium.

Anonymous said...

got you in the sprint

Bobbo said...

"Crashes" - a periodical of mishaps and the riders that had them. Advertising gleefully sold to orthopedic surgeons nationwide.

Anonymous said...

"Drum and Bass, Video Games, and Weed": The three-pronged approach to mad bike skilz-
Ha Ha!

Anonymous said...

Insist you have Mad SKillZ!!!

Geoff said...

Aren't Effete Roadie and Anal-Retentive Cyclist pretty much the same subscriber base?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Geoff,

Good point, but I think having two magazines makes sense. Effete roadies do ride, but they only ride road bikes. Anal retentive cyclists don't ride all kinds of bikes.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

--"Makin’ the Seen": 75 more places to put reflective tape.

This made me shoot milk out of my nose. BSNYC, you owe me for a new keeeeeeeeeeeeeeyboarddddddddd.

leroy said...

Dang, I would read those magazines.

The trouble is that when I read I move my lips and just sprained them laughing.

Trevor said...

Who do I write the check out to for a subscription to CycleCommuter? I have a friend who would love a subscription for Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Fixie Chick
the magazine for guuurrlz on the move and the emo boys who love them

-- “so shoe me:” High top? Low top? Converse or Vans? The experts weigh in on the perfect cycling shoe;

-- “Group rides and gossip:” Making the most of the social scene;

-- Pink! Paint those rims with nail polish;

-- “Fixie feminism:” Our suffrage sisters rode bikes too!

cleaman said...

i'm a new reader. you have just won my heart and my mind.


thank you.

erik k said...

--"Putting All Your Fabergé Eggs In One Basket": How many Colnagos can you fit in a BMW X5?"

could possibly be the best line ever. For me its especially funny, because I live in Orange county and witnessing this type extravagance and absurdity has become part of my daily existence. Just the other day I witnessed two grown men arguing about how many custom time machines they could fit in the back of their Porsche Cheyenne....

Anonymous said...

"'Makin’ the Seen': 75 more places to put reflective tape" reminded me of something I saw a few days ago that I should probably share with the group.

I'm riding to work when I see this other commuter. He has a hybrid, a rack on the back, and two panniers. He is wearing a bright yellow reflective jacket, he has a reflective vest over the reflective jacket, and reflective tape on his helmet (which matched the reflective stripe on each of the panniers).

He also had a blinky light on the helmet, a blinky light on the rack, and blinkly lights on each of the panniers (none of which, of course, were synchronized). He also had a flat handlebar, but with (you guessed it) blinky light-up bar ends!

He presented such an array of reflective color and blinking lights, that I almost had a seizure and hit him.

Anonymous said...

Geoff -

The redundancy there is certainly no problem: a lot of those folks would subscribe to both, especially if they can get a discount rate.

Glad to see people are still drinking the milk while reading the blog!

GhostRider said...

Brilliant stuff! I have REALLY got to stop reading this at work...sudden, inexplicable laughter causes my colleagues to be even more wary of me!

I'm eagerly anticipating the pant-leg-cuff retention shootout.

Oh, and I better go stock up on some weed to develop my skillz...

pinchfinger said...

"The fetish magazine for retrogrouches that makes the “Rivendell Reader” look like the 2008 Specialized catalog."
Oh, for the luvagod, stop! You're killing me.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1:10 - Great addition

Anonymous 1:16 - Beautiful. I'm laughing at the image of Mr. Richard Golightly and you having a grand mal seizure and taking him out.

Nathan said...

This is brilliant, so frickin' funny!

Anonymous said...

Don't you guys have 'Cycling Plus' over there in BushWorld? It pretty much covers all the above, (with added lateral stiffness and vertical compliance).

Shane

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:16: Before you even commented on having a seizure your description almost made me have one.

All he needed was some crappy music and he'd have been a rave on wheels.

Jason said...

Let me know when you need a contributing editor for the commuter mag ... I'll take a few minutes away from applying reflective tape and bang out an article.

Jason

--
Jason Crane
RocBike.com | The RocBike Review
"Nothing To Lose But Our Chains!"

Anonymous said...

Wet Hot & Retro: there's lots more possibilities:

String Theory: Wrapping your crank arms with shellaced twine

For We Like Sheep: Wool handlebar tape best in all conditions!

Mr Brooks: We evaluate the new titanium B-18

mr.complaint said...

I guess I'll have to cut back on my riding now.

Anonymous said...

Is it still fall in the rest of the country? Do fallen leaves stuck in my spokes count as spoke cards? Could these be the new trend for the granola riders out there?

Hannah said...

I have a lot to say about pant-leg retainers, actually. And blinkie lights. Maybe for the next issue?

Anonymous said...

Velo Dentata! I may never be able to sleep with my bike again. Thanks for ruining a good thing.

mark said...

My neighbor hauls her bike around in the back seat of her Lexus. The reason she does it that way is "it's just a car." Same attitude about the bike.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:16pm,

I love that. It sounds like the spaceship in "Close Encounters," or the alien outfits Millbarge and Fitz-Hume used to dupe the Russians in "Spies Like Us."

--BSNYC

Jim said...

Might I suggest BikeTrailGuy? (BTG)

- The Ride of His Life: "I Crushed Hincapie Pulling Away From a Red Light in the Garment District"

- Slash and Burn: How to Cut Off, Scream at, and the Flee Other Trail Users

- Product Review: Packing it In: Mt. Borah Plus-Sized Bib Shorts

- Training Tips: Sinkewitz, Heras and Rasmussen Tell You How to Ride Faster, and Win Friends

- Putting Your Helmet On So It Doesn't Face Backwards, by Some Japanese Guy on a Magna

- "I'm Here, I Roller Blade, Get Used to it" - the Guy in a Banana Hammock and Skates Comes Out

AnnaZed said...

Anonymous said... 1:14 PM

I know that you are sort of kidding about blinky/reflective man, but let me tell ya after the first time a car crashes into you when you have the right of way and only a tiny red blinker in the rear (and after you emerge from the hospital, if you emerge from the hospital that is) you abandon all pride or fears about not being hip and ride in full Christmas tree mode year round – trust me on this.

Anonymous said...

Portnoy's Complaint in the post and a Spies like Us reference? You win the Internet.

/Bonus points for naming who played the guard at the secret government base who told the military guys to "have a Pepsi."

I have a few suggestions for Fixie Chick, also:

-Month-Long Fling or the Real Thing? What the bike he built for you says about his intentions.

-Bedding a Brakeless Boyfriend: Is skidding rendering him DFL in the bedroom?

-How to steal back your jeans.

quaffimodo said...

I was going to suggest a Triathalon-themed publication containing articles like "Taking Nutriton to the Next Level: We Review the Top 5 Microscopes to Inspect Your Poo With" until it struck me that there's probably one already out there.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:14pm,

B.B. King if I recall correctly. One of the Coen brothers, Sam Raimi, and some other film industry people are there as well.

I really like how "Fixie Chick" is shaping up!

--BSNYC

mamsterla said...

A vagina dentata reference. I am going to go smiling into the weekend even though I am working on German software right now.

Geoff said...

Quaffimodo,

There probably isn't one. Think 20 or more, with at least 10 of them dedicated to innovative products that attach to your Aerobars.

-- "Jamming your Bento Box: Can you tell the difference between strawberry preserves from Denny's and your favorite gel energy pack?"

Bike Blog Collection said...

If it weren't for the Style Man, Bicycling Magazine would really suck!

Anonymous said...

75 more places to put reflective tape... i pissed my pants!

Anonymous said...

Please add me to the release notification list for Wet, Hot & Retro. My e-mail address is r--

Thanks!

gewilli said...

gimme #3

i'll give the spoiler to the trailer article: cars give ya wide ass berth when ya riding with a trailer...

true story...

everyone should hitch a trailer up and give it a try...

and overall, all three, funny as hell

Michael Rassmussen said...

So funny I spit out my EPO cocktail!

freewheel said...

"-How to steal back your jeans."
-Anonymous 3:14pm

Sputter, ack, gasp-- so funny.

And so funny becuase it's so true. Nothing like a stroll down Valencia St. on a Friday night to really drive that one home.

Anonymous said...

Fine ideas for magazines. I'm especially interested in CycleCommuter. However, you'll have to sharpen your game to out-geek the folding and electrics crowd at A to B.

Bluenoser said...

Snob,

180mm of travel to ride off the sidewalk! Too good. I can't take it!

How about one called "Liberal Trax" a mag for NASCAR drivers, Velodrome racers and Tri-athletes with articles on what to do if they ever have to turn to the right.

-B'noser

bikesgonewild said...

...you are ON today, bsnyc, you are ON...like eddy merckx, you just simultaneously took the climbing, the points & the yellow jersey...

...there were even a few close finishers in the sprint, but hands down (in the drops), you nailed it...

Heckler said...

Jim-
"- "I'm Here, I Roller Blade, Get Used to it" - the Guy in a Banana Hammock and Skates Comes Out"

Thanks for the pathlete nightmare vision. I've needed a reason to up my Trazodone/ Black Butte Porter bedtime ratios...

t jasper parnell said...

Ha, ha, ha. My keyboard needs cleaning; blinky lights (gasp) reflective tape (oh noes the lack of coolness) gasping for breath.

Oh wait, some asshole kills a cyclist (story below) and the police refuse to charge the blind bastard because the light was dim and the bike wasn't well light enough. When I ride to work (for those of you looking to laugh) light on the helm (battery), light on the handlebars (battery), light on the fork (dynamo), two blinkies rear (battery); one solid rear (dynamo) and reflective tape on the helm and panniers; I is such a loooser; but when the car hits me its gonna be the driver's fault.

Great site, but some stuff is just not funny.

Lloyd Clarke, 43, was a member of the Cumberland Valley Cycling Club as would be expected of an avid cyclist, Lloyd typically logged over 150 miles per week on his bike. After putting in the years of hard work to earn his Ph.D. from the Systems Engineering Department at the University of Pennsylvania, Lloyd held a faculty position at the Georgia Institute of Technology, before pursuing a career in private industry-a career that eventually brought him to Incline Village, Nevada, where he was working on temporary assignment for his company. On September 20, Lloyd went for a ride on a borrowed bike. He never returned. As he was riding along Country Club Drive, a motor vehicle approaching from the opposite direction turned directly into Lloyd's path, killing him instantly. The driver, a 17 year old, was not cited. In fact, not only was the driver not cited, but the police department went out of its way to paint Lloyd as being "at fault." As the local media reported,

A 17-year-old Incline Village man who hit and killed a cyclist early Thursday evening most likely isn't at fault, police officials said Friday. According to the Washoe County Sheriff's office, Lloyd W. Clarke, a 43-year-old Maryland native, was riding down hill on Country Club Drive at a high rate of speed when a pick up truck driven by the 17 year old pulled into the intersection of Country Club and Village Boulevard. Clarke was unable to stop, and he struck the side of the truck.

We all ride, so we all know about the infamous "left hook"-as you're riding straight through an intersection, a vehicle approaching from the opposite direction turns left across your path, violating your right-of-way, often causing a collision. The left hook accounts for nearly 6% of collisions between bicycles and cars. And yet, if you hold a bias against cyclists, the possibility that an inexperienced driver turned into the cyclist's path so suddenly that the cyclist was unable to stop isn't even taken into consideration. The only possible explanation that restores some semblance of sense to law enforcement's auto-centric paradigm is that the cyclist "must have been speeding." And if the cyclist is an out-of-towner, and the driver is a local, it makes even more sense to blame the cyclist. In Lloyd's case, the police went into contortions in their efforts to exonerate the driver and blame the cyclist:

# "He [the 17 year old driver] was real cooperative, and we don't expect to have any issues with him," said Brooke Keast, public information officer with Washoe County Sheriff's Department. "It looked like the cyclist was going too fast. It's so hilly up there that sometimes you might not be able to stop."

# "Tentatively, it looks like the cyclist was exceeding the speed limit," [Captain Steve] Kelly said. "If you know that part of town, you know it's pretty steep there. If speed was the main contributing factor the juvenile most likely isn't to blame."

# "One thing I will say - the fact of the matter is, if we find he was exceeding the speed limit in a low-light situation, how do you expect the driver to see him?" Kelly said. "It was dark. It was probably hard for the driver to see him, he had no lights on the bicycle and he probably was not familiar with the area. Now obviously, I don't think it was a deliberate attempt to disregard the law. We don't have a final finding yet, but those are possible reasons why."

Captain Kelly even "stressed it was an unfortunate accident in which no one should be blamed." Note, however, that Captain Kelly was placing blame-on the cyclist. A Nevada Highway Patrol trooper went one step further, blaming all cyclists:

Chuck Allen, a trooper for the Nevada Highway Patrol, shared similar thoughts with Kelly. "Mostly you see bikes riding the wrong way, not stopping at stop signs - they fail to abide by laws motorists abide by," Allen said. "I think there might be a vision put there that cyclists feel exempt from traffic laws."

While cyclists should observe the law, this was not a case about a cyclist riding the wrong way, or failing to stop at a stop sign-it was a case about a driver violating a cyclist's right of way.

Of course, the media reported the police account.

Which is unfortunate, because if the media had conducted any sort of independent investigation, they would have noted that:

# The accident occurred before sunset, and not in the "low light" conditions the police offered as an alibi for the driver.

# The driver's line of sight visibility was excellent.

# The road grade was about 8 or 9 percent, and Lloyd had a reputation as a skilled cyclist who didn't take risks, and who was experienced at riding much steeper grades.

# Lloyd had the right-of-way at the intersection.

# "Left hooks" account for nearly 6% of all automobile-on-bicycle collisions.

t. jasper parnell said...

Sorry I forget the link; it and other equally awful crap from Mioniske on Velonews.

bikesgonewild said...

...we do get it, t jasper, v-news for one & big jonny's drunkcyclist has links to this kinda info regularly & we do attend...plenty of regional sites keep us informed as well...

..."hey, sommelier, gimme a bud light"...
..."sorry, sir, that would be the bartender's job"...

Jim said...

75 more places to put reflective tape... i pissed my pants!

Hold your water... it ain't that funny when you consider that (36 spokes x 2) + (both ass cheeks + mullet tail) = 75.

I do have some issues with the stereotypical commuter clothing scheme, which has more yellow-on-yellow than your typical Chinese porn flick.

But I also cop to putting a couple little flicks of D.O.T. approved reflective tape on the spokes of my winter fixed trainer - I blend my training into my two way commute, both ways in dead flat darkness. I'll be damned if I get killed by some schmoe just because I'm too proud to spread 6 sq. inches of tape on my beater Surly.

t. jasper parnell said...

re "we get it"

"75 more places to put reflective tape... i pissed my pants!"

"--"Makin’ the Seen": 75 more places to put reflective tape.

This made me shoot milk out of my nose. BSNYC, you owe me for a new keeeeeeeeeeeeeeyboarddddddddd."

"'Makin’ the Seen': 75 more places to put reflective tape" reminded me of something I saw a few days ago that I should probably share with the group.

I'm riding to work when I see this other commuter. He has a hybrid, a rack on the back, and two panniers. He is wearing a bright yellow reflective jacket, he has a reflective vest over the reflective jacket, and reflective tape on his helmet (which matched the reflective stripe on each of the panniers).

He also had a blinky light on the helmet, a blinky light on the rack, and blinkly lights on each of the panniers (none of which, of course, were synchronized). He also had a flat handlebar, but with (you guessed it) blinky light-up bar ends!

He presented such an array of reflective color and blinking lights, that I almost had a seizure and hit him.

I have a lot to say about pant-leg retainers, actually. And blinkie lights. Maybe for the next issue?

Anonymous 1:16 - Beautiful. I'm laughing at the image of Mr. Richard Golightly and you having a grand mal seizure and taking him out.

I love that. It sounds like the spaceship in "Close Encounters," or the alien outfits Millbarge and Fitz-Hume used to dupe the Russians in "Spies Like Us."

--BSNYC
And etc.

Yes those dopey comuters and their lights and whatnot. It is so dangnabbed funny; fools and their lights and etc ha ha. Obviously allyouall get it. How could I be so dense.

The highlarryity was supposed to mock the morons who kill the cyclist not the cyclists who die because of morons. Got it.

thejakesnakes said...

the commuter mag would be a hit in Portland. so funny.

t. jasper parnell said...

For those of you who find all this, i.e., lights, commuting and (so it would seem) one of the few cities in America in which cycling is taking seriously) go to this blog petermckay.blogspot.com and read about his unusual ride home Idgets in the Pacific Nothwest with their commuting related dopeyness. God, mocking them is a hoot. After all if others who ride cannot heap ridicule on others who ride who then will stand up for those who ride. I would suggest that we pick on the dolts and leave the rest alone. there is a difference between a bunch of lights and fool in 300 dollar jeans.

Rosie O'Donnel's Bibshorts said...

More ideas for "fixie chicks":

1) What his favorite taqueria says about your boyfriend

2) What to do when you find a Kona Stinky hanging in his garage

3) What color bike would Holly Golightly ride?

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

t jasper --

Take a deep breath and go for a ride, brother.

You took one line from a 79 line BSNYC post and somehow got the idea that folks think it's a hoot to use lights and reflective tape -- so funny that folks would even yuck it up over a couple of tragedies.

That's a leap Evel Knievel wouldn't attempt.

The humor in the line you quote (and the suit of lights observation in the comments) is not in the fact that someone uses lights and reflective tape. It's the amount.

Seventy-five places, get it?

It's like the guy who goes to the psychiatrist and says "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like pancakes." The doctor replies "That’s perfectly normal; I like pancakes too." The patient responds: "You do? You gotta come over to my place, I got a basement full of them!"

I commute on a road bike in the dark. I use two lights on the back and one on my bars.

I bet most folks commenting here ride in the dark with some light or reflector.

And if you look at the comments in Peter McKay's earlier blog about his unusual commute, you'll see some of the folks who comment here wishing him a speedy recovery.

So take a deep breath, go for a ride. No one thinks a tragedy is a hoot. No one thinks taking a precaution or two or three or four is funny.

But 75? I gotta ask ... how do you feel about pancakes? Oh man, you should see my basement.

t jasper parnell said...

"Take a deep breath and go for a ride, brother.

You took one line from a 79 line BSNYC post and somehow got the idea that folks think it's a hoot to use lights and reflective tape -- so funny that folks would even yuck it up over a couple of tragedies."

Yes of course and the highlarritee in the comments (see post above) about well-light commuters and the various outrages of glow-the-dark pant clips are what? Several more lines supporting a stupid critique of folks on bikes trying to avoid getting hit by morons in cars. Sorry and oh noes about my taking seriously the statements referenced above. Allyouall were just kidding, got it.

You are right, of course, after all, if cyclists don't ridicule the stupid looking folk on a bike in spandex or insisting that lights a blinkin' don't look dopey no one will. After all however will the nonbiking world stop mocking cyclist if we don't mock ourselves.

Indeed, the onliest way to make the point that a bike is meant to function as the most efficient means of human-powered locomotion is to imply that one has many more points to score against those who wear glow-in-the-dark pant clips.

And leaps of faith based on fellow riders having fits because of lights a blinking are way off base because somebody sympathized with a biker getting shot. right. Certainly and you bet.
Thanks for setting me straight, brother.

leroy said...

But t jasper --

You didn't answer ....

Do you like pancakes too?

bikesgonewild said...

...ok, leroy, i was enjoying your post until i got to the line about the basement fulla pancakes...broke out laughing, dude, i almost peed a little...

...re: our new friend...time & place for everything especially w/ formats in place... see my last comment about the imposed upon sommelier...

Kalgrm said...

t jasper parnell,

If you're looking to be taken seriously, this is the wrong place to make your point. Nothing written on this site is serious - the original blog, the comments, most of the people .....

Your message is a valid one, but you're on the wrong forum. By stating it here, you consent to living with the fact that nobody will take you seriously either.

Sheesh, no wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans don't get irony.

Graeme

ifjeff said...

Clever magazine topics, may I add one? How about a hyperactive training specific magazine for non-racers who are dedicated to spuriously established training modalities and potent esoteric derived intervals that are so complex and redundent they ride in circles until vomiting a liter of $100 per gram energy drink all over their Castelli's, you may also include the endless possibilities for discusison on lycra, wind resistance and the role of body hair drag on 10k downhill TT and close with a crafty "off the back" section that discusses how ceramic bearings can offset your genetic inferiority.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, holy shit! Safety is not cool. Responsibility is not cool.

Wearing a helmet. Not cool.
Wearing earplugs at a concert. Not cool.

Smoking is cool. Driving 90 mph thru twisties is cool. Fucking without condoms is awesomely cool.
What is the coolest drug? That right, the most dangerous and addictive: Heroin.

Safety and coolness are polar opposites.

Most bicylclists are huge nerds.

AnnaZed said...

"Most bicylclists are huge nerds."

Yes, yes we are, bless our pointed heads.

Just to be clear - jokes on this site about the uncoolness of saftey gear are ... well... they are jokes.

Besides coolness being chiefly an adolesent comcern doesn't interest me that much anymore - except when listening to Miles Davis.

Karl Rover said...

It's a fine line between being clever or stupid

bikesgonewild said...

...annazed...sketches of spain, whoa...live/evil, whoa-er...in a silent way, maybe whoa-est...

...i drift alight in reverence...

clintpatty said...

Should I feel bad for being a commuter and finding the proposed mag funny? It's pretty cool that many commuters come to the same conclusions about the bikes the ride and especially how they want to look. It isn't as dependent as much on what the other people think like fixed gear hipsters. There's still that oh cool dude factor when you meet someone with a similar bike, though. Here is a picture of me being highly reflective and sporting the SMV emblem.

Jim said...

Jebus Clint, it's okay to be seen, but no matter how bad they get, we are't allowed to immolate motorists using enormous reflective triangle-based lasers.

Not yet, anyhow. Not yet.

Anthony said...

My how the number of comments has grown... this is my favorite post so far. I swear the wit bites harder every day. Nicely done.

Anal Retentive Cyclist said...

I used to think you were funny.

mander said...

Come on commuter geeks, lighten up. the fixed gear hipsters have learned to love bikesnob, why can't you?

Heckler said...

Had to add to the "lighting geek" theme. Had a 10.5 mile commute to work through crappy areas on crappy pavement usually around 0400. Ran a Nightsun Team Max (45w fullup)and their 10w helmet lamp, plus the matching red dwarf level taillight, reflective bands, fluorescent clothing- all to no avail. Would get buzzed constantly. Got in the holiday spirit at one point and wrapped the seatstays/ top tube with two sets of battery powered xmas lights. Ran them for two weeks, and never got buzzed/ brushed. Even the so-called "regulars" left me alone...
'Course now I've upgraded to an HID (sometimes 2 just to be a total dick), a ten LED blinky under the saddle seat, plus a blinky on the back of the helmet. Much more respect, and I believe there's no such thing as "too much light". I also noticed with the HID that cars pretty much freeze in the approaching intersection (And no, I am not fast). Doesn't matter what "you" think, that's your opinion of my life which you haven't lived, nor I yours. Let's go have a beer. "t jasper parnell" - as the man said- "Lighten up Francis". The assinine attempt on Peter Mckay's life was covered quite well on Big Jonny's "Drunk Cyclist":http://drunkcyclist.com/wordpress/2007/11/04/ blog, which covers a broad range of subject matter. I come to this blog, as I'm sure many others do to get some good humor after taking in those types of stories. Let it go.

Ha, h

t jasper parnell said...

"Sheesh, no wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans don't get irony."

There is, of course, a difference between not getting and not finding the attempt successful, ainna?

Anonymous said...

how about 'Group Snub - the magazine for myopic group rides'

- how to not say hello
- riding 4 across on a two lane
- how to whiplash newbies off the back in corners

...and so on. sure to be a hit!

Travis said...

If everyone would wear Hi Vis, would it stop becoming Hi Vis?

Bluenoser said...

ifjeff,
Body hair, downhill TT's, ceramic bearings. The real stuff of freds. It's too good.

anonymous,
The group snub. How about the "Nobody gets dropped" rides where the're warming up on trainers when you get to the parking lot.

You could have Phil Liggett do an bit on just how many miles does the elastic stretch before it breaks... 10 miles? 15?

-B'noser

t. jaspser parnell said...

"Let it go" Having arrived at new understanding of why I was so wrong about the funniness of mocking multilighted cyclists, I am wanted to post this as an appology for "not getting it."

In these comments I was found guilty of not getting irony because I am an American. This is an example of what we could call the “nationalism fallacy.” There are, of course, many variants: Germans are militaristic order followers, the French cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and elite British men are class-ridden snobs and homosexual in large part because they drink tea and attended Eton or some other public school, where buggery is part of the curriculum. Of course no one “really” “believes” in these fallacies and they are only deployed for humor’s sake. For example, Bikesnobnyc, whose “irony” I do not comprehend, is an American and an “ironist.” Therefore, some Americans must “get” “irony.” Oddly enough Soren Kierkegaard , the self-proclaimed “Master of Irony,” was from Denmark in northern Europe, an area, various national fallacies assure us, free from funny bones and irony.

The claim that I do not “get” “irony” falls afoul of another fallacy or, in any event, an unproven assertion. To wit: Bikesnobnyc is an “ironist.” The humor here could be “ironical” if the intention were to skewer the attitudes that find others guilty of various crimes against “taste and decency,” as a great medievalist put it. In other words, if Bikesnobnyc wrote to mock those who mock others he would be using mockery of others found guilty of violating “objectively true” standards of “taste and decency” to mock those who mock others who fail to follow “objectively true” standards of “taste and decency.” But clearly that is not the point of the various posts nor yet the various comments appended to the various posts.

The two of the dominant comedic tropes in play on this blog are “Old Foggyism” and “Logical Consequentialism.” (NB. The best discussion of these comedic tropes is Schopenhauer’s “Comment on Aristotle’s Rhetoric”; however, Hegel provides an interesting if flawed interpretation in his “Toward a Metaphysic of Old Foggyism.”) “Old Foggyism,” of which Abe Simpson is the leading example, hinges on finding the youth of today in their fads and related whatnot abhorrent: expensive jeans and cheap beer, fashion over function in the creation of “fixies,” paying more than an bike is worth because of the “rep” one gains from the possession of a specific brand or style and so forth. Some mistake “Old Foggyism” for cruelty when the attitudes or desires skewered are romantic longing or such; this is wrong. It is important to ridicule lonely young people who seek romantic partners with language or methods that are strange to the foggy (Schopenhauer, 12, 74, 100, et seq.).

“Logical Consequentialism” takes an attitude and submits it to reductio ad absurdum thus showing its inherent irrationality: many people spend a great deal on material objects and then become so enthralled with the material object that they refuse to use it for its intended purpose. So skewered are those who spend 9000 or more on some kind of a carbon bike and then refuse to ride it because it might become dirty. Like most people, I like this trope the best; in large measure because I don't know anyone like this.

In the case of lights and commuters the comedic trope deployed cannot be “Old Foggyism” as those skewered are skewered because of their lack of hippness and commitment to function over fashion. It must, therefore, be “Logical Consequentialism.” What is the attitude of those who cover their bikes and persons with lights blinking and solid as well as reflective tape and clothing made of hi vis material? Fear of death by motorized vehicle. Clearly cyclists who fear death by motor vehicle are worthy of mockery because the logical consequence of their irrational fear of death by motor vehicle leads their heightened visibility. QED

Having worked my way through this labyrinth of humor, I now understand why I was so justifiably chastised for not “getting it.” Thanks for taking the time to set me straight.

Anonymous said...

As a safety-conscious commuter/plodder, I have to add one thing to this discussion:

t jasper parnell is obviously mentally ill.

I hope that he gets help from a mental health professional, or at least a copy editor.

Anonymous said...

Someone clearly spent most of his life to date in Academia.

That, and a dollar, will get you on the subway. Oh wait; no, it won't...

Kevin Jaeger said...

I think bikesnobnyc is paying t Jasper Parnell to keep this thread going.

Being a commuter with ample amounts of reflective tape and blinky lights myself, I found the little jab at 75 new places to put reflective tape rather apt (and for a moment I wanted to peek at the article to see if there were any spots I'd missed - but then I went and counted the pieces of tape on my bike and various accessories and decided I probably wasn't missing any of those coveted secrets after all).

So if you are being paid to be bikesnob's straight man, you're doing a fine job. On the off chance you're actually offended by the humour here, you seriously need to lighten up.

bikesgonewild said...

...t jasper parnell, bsnyc is hilariously astute, but you wanna pretend you don't "get" it, you insufferable prick...

...in regard to you, the people on this site have been more than tolerant & accepting...

...i, however, just lost both my patience & my passion for acceptance through listening to you whine...

...it's become obvious by the thread of your posts that you wish only to impose on others, by feigning ignorance, while you protect yourself by speaking of "concern" & "safety" w/in the cycling community...

...in other words, we as cyclist's are being used & you are trying to dupe us...

...by the way, i offer you my deepest cutting insult... you're not a real cyclist, you're just a guy who rides a bike...

...you utilize everyone's response as a platform for trying to resolve your inner conflicts about just how intelligent you suppose yourself to be...(& you are one conflicted bitch, dude)

...you also utilize schopenhauer because within his philosophies you've found a little niche...your justification for the quasi-intellectual, boorish approach you take to life...i'm sure you see yourself as some form of "schopenhauerian genius" w/ great intellectual predominance over the will of others...

...wrong, bucko...i'll reiterate, you're simply a churlish, insufferable prick with the obvious capacity to comprehend, but not the desire to, because this way people give you the attention you so desire...

...anyone is welcome here but i might suggest that you find a site offering the psychological conflict you crave...once you've found your "intellectual peers" & resolved some of your anguish, hey, come on back & have a chuckle w/ us simple folk...

Anonymous said...

I leave allyouall alone but I suggest that you look up Confederacy of Dunces and Schopenhauer's Comment on Aristotle's Rhetoric, the first is real the second is made up. I was only being "ironic."
tjp

Travis said...

Dam, I knew my Private School was bad , we never had buggery classes at mine... hence I'm still anal retentive

Anonymous said...

"...Comment on Aristotle's Rhetoric, the first is real the second is made up. I was only being "ironic.""

He feels superior now. Mission Accomplished. (Until he starts to feel inadequate again; then he'll come back to reassert himself.)

Danimal said...

the neat thing about borderlines is that they end up pissing everyone off. It's a cool trick. Then they cut themselves.

Do we need to stage an intervention, t jasper parnell?

Or (or) perhaps there are more insidious motives... "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Anonymous said...

I think the comments spawed a new magazine:

t jasper parnell's review

-- Referencing every comment in a reply, how to avoid carpal tunnel.

-- That's not funny.

-- Let me tell you again why that's not funny.

-- Ask the pseudo-intellectual why this topic is devoid of mirth.

-- How to avoid aspyxiation during episodes of anal-cranial inversion.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, danimal, interesting stuff... vizzini's quote, supposedly credited to general dougie mac while advising jfk in'61, before things got nasty...

...in the flic, vizzini rants his soliliquy, drinks w/ assurance & then drops dead...oops...

tosacrosser said...

And now for a real new cycling mag: www.cogmagazine.com

Born and bred Milwaukee.

sumadis said...

me thinks all of these mags already exist, minus the cheeky articles.

Anonymous said...

I propose one more mag titled "Bike Flipper: maximizing profit by taking advantage of the fashion-conscious and naive"

-How to spam ebay and craigslist ads with keywords to maximize return on that $10 yard sale POS

-top ten hacks to bling that dumpster bike into a true winner

Anonymous said...

has bikesnob covered these awful bags yet? google sidebar ad...

http://kriegcycling.com/bags.aspx

Bluenoser said...

Those bags are... well... ummm... colourful?

-B'noser

BikeSnobNYC said...

T. Jasper Parnell,

In the spirit of ruining something by explaining it, two things are going on in this post: 1) certain types of cyclists we all recognize (in ourselves and in others) are being charicatured; and 2) the typical specialty magazine format is being parodied. The idea of someone actually writing or reading an article about 75 more places to put reflective tape (which implies not only that you'd need to be told where to put it but that you also already read an article that gave you 74 places to put it) strikes some of the less compulsively analytical people among us as funny, mostly because of the hyperbolized number.

If you think less when you read this site you might enjoy it, and I hope that you do. But if you're looking for something to dissect and critique you might want to read something else.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Sob et al, great reading, the post, and a lot of the comments. You have forgotten the 1970's plastic crowd, the guys who get pleasure from owning cheapo moulded parts out of Italy, be it brake levers, shifter levers, saddles of else. The saddle freaks are the best, they pay 500 bucks for 50 cent pleather coated Italian nylon saddle shells. This is one big market, and a saddle being something you put your buttocks on, it could be pretty anal. Plus "How to massage the nose of your Idéale 2000 suede coated saddle to perfection with your scrotum" and stuff. Here's a link to a saddle I've designed for these guys, I'm taking subscritions right now, 550 bucks shipped. http://membres.lycos.fr/partspeekers/hpbimg/saddlegreen2.jpg

Ol' Cowpoke said...

Well, I reckon we about run this one into the ground. Let's move on.

99th comment said...

...Don't stop, we are almost up to 100 comments. Is this a new Bike Snob record?

I cannot believe y'all took T Jasper so seriously. He referenced Abe "We used to tie an onion to our belt, that was the fashion then" Simpson in one comment. That is when I knew the joke was being hit right back at us.

Bluenoser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

--"Drum and Bass, Video Games, and Weed": The three-pronged approach to mad bike skilz;

I wrote that article!

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, # 99...lemme beat a dead horse here for a nano-sec...re-read the post that references 'grampa simpson' & you'll see he wasn't joking, tjp was using the reference to reiterate his irony / not irony point...

...guy was serious as a heart attack & really was trying to get the goat of anyone paying attention...

...ok, now i'm gonna use a little tp myself & flush any further related thoughts to where they belong...

leroy said...

Oh honestly, let's not over-analyze Mr. t jasper.

This could be nothing more than a poor fellow cyclist who got his chamois in a twist when he belatedly discovered that the last 15 of those seventy-five places for reflective tape double as an effective, albeit uncomfortable, depilatory.

We should cheer him up.

How about a sing along? There ain't no one who can stay grumpy at a sing along.

Heck, seeing as he's into philosophy, we could sing bout philosophers.

Here's one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=653s-FBXpTA

anonymous-julie said...

Krieg was making chalk bags for rock climbers first: http://www.kriegclimbing.com/
In climbing, the concept isn't new.

bikesgonewild said...

...by the way, bsnyc, aren't you kinda rubbing yer new-found success in our faces w/ that photo of yer new digs ???...nice pool but palm trees in brooklyn ???...

Dr. Ive Seenthisbefore said...

If you guys are really interested, Google t jasper parnell; his mild insanity is on display on blogs all over the place; he has a comment about everything, typically contrary.

Anonymous said...

I think T Jasper is the perfect candidate to take over Bike Snob Chicago...

Kalgrm said...

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." - E.B White

Oh, the ironicallity of it ....

Cheers,
Graeme

Adrienne said...

Jeez, guys! I read the original post at work on Saturday, just before quitting time, and it had quite an effect. I laughed, I cried, my co-workers got slightly wierded out and I forgot to don my trusty reflective wrist bands until a mile into the ride home.

I hadn't originally intended to post because surely this topic would have died a natural death by the time I could get to my home computer. Thanks for keeping the discussion warm, folks.

the great mediator said...

Look, Ya'll, this has got to stop. If we keep it up Bikesnob won't have to (won't want to) write another thing.
Peace and love to t jasper Parnell

leroy said...

Oh all Mr. t jasper needs to realize is that enjoying Toole's "A Confederacy of Dunces" is healthy; adopting the persona of Toole's protaganist Ignatius Reilly is, as the kids say, "eh, not so much."

Peace to him.

gttim said...

Fixie Chick
the magazine for guuurrlz on the move and the emo boys who love them

-- “so shoe me:” High top? Low top? Converse or Vans? The experts weigh in on the perfect cycling shoe;


Pumps!

Anonymous said...

I'm a commuter also and since I've only recently started biking again after many years out of the saddle I'm terrified of the cars I share the road with - okay, actually the drivers I share the road with.

Because of this I'm guilty of over-reflecting. Still, I thought the joke about 75 more places was brilliant. I've just about learned that unless you've figured out a way to convert a 1-million candle-watt spot light into a blinky the mouth-breathing, drunken masses aren't going to see you regardless of how many reflectors you have.

t jasper parnell: ease up man, take a nap, work on wrapping your tubes with reflective tape, sure no one will see it, but you can never be too safe, right?

Anonymous said...

I'm a commuter also and since I've only recently started biking again after many years out of the saddle I'm terrified of the cars I share the road with - okay, actually the drivers I share the road with.

Because of this I'm guilty of over-reflecting. Still, I thought the joke about 75 more places was brilliant. I've just about learned that unless you've figured out a way to convert a 1-million candle-watt spot light into a blinky the mouth-breathing, drunken masses aren't going to see you regardless of how many reflectors you have.

t jasper parnell: ease up man, take a nap, work on wrapping your tubes with reflective tape, sure no one will see it, but you can never be too safe, right?

Anonymous said...

Yo,yo,yo, how baggy do you go...everyone knows it's tight girl pants now get with the times your like so '05. werd

Anonymous said...

Do any of these mags have a section called:
The Fall of the Month? This section is devoted to recognizing:
1. The most dramatic crash
2. The one with the most injury
3. The one with the best story
and other things.

mtb in nyc said...

Urban freeriders? That mag folded in 2005. They're all reading "BMX Reaction: The magazine for tight pants riders on 26's who wish they were on 20's"

n8 said...

Anon 10:03

I bought my first pair of girl jeans in 02.

Girl jeans where over execpt for posers by 05.

Ridiculously expensive guys jeans that look like girls jeans are the new girls jeans.

unless you wear girls jeans to be ironic. that’s still cool.

its very confusing.

Watch for boxing boots to take over Vans(not to be confused with the short lived wrestling shoe craze of 99)

Harry Davies said...

A possible article for: Wet, Hot & Retro

Bike sex man placed on probation

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